Changeology Clinic: How to Cultivate Self-Trust (For Real This Time)

In this episode of the Changeology podcast, I tackle one of the biggest roadblocks to making meaningful change: self-trust. If you’ve ever found yourself second-guessing every decision, deferring to everyone else’s comfort, or drowning in endless research instead of acting, this conversation is for you.

I dive into why so many women learn to distrust their own voices and choices, and why building self-trust is the cornerstone of creating any real change in life.

This episode is packed with practical, psychology-rooted strategies you can use today to strengthen your self-trust muscle and start reclaiming your agency. If you’ve been waiting to feel more confident in your own decisions, this is the place to start.

In This Episode:

• Why self-trust is a skill (and not something you’re born with or without)
• How treating your intuition like a best friend changes everything
• Small acts of rebellion that disrupt the insidious “shoulds” running your life
• Why boundaries are really just promises to yourself—and how to keep them
• The surprising way people-pleasers often sabotage their own boundaries
• How every firmly kept boundary is a vote for yourself and your priorities

Book a free 30-minute Clarity Call here to cut through the noise and bring next steps into focus: https://www.megtrucano.com/book-a-call

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Transcript

Welcome to the Changeology podcast. On today's Changeology clinic, we're tackling one of the biggest roadblocks to change, self-trust. So if you've ever second-guessed every single decision or deferred to literally everyone else's comfort or gotten stuck in endless data collection mode, this one's for you.

And I'm sharing three concrete strategies to help you flex your self-trust muscle because that's what it is so that you can reclaim your agency and start directing your life with confidence.

So let's get started. started. let's get started. So let's get Many, many, many of my clients report that they struggle with trusting themselves, and this can look a lot of different ways, including deferring to everyone else's needs or comfort at the expense of your own.

It can look like second-guessing every single decision or path, but we have to be gentle with ourselves when we find ourselves in self-doubt because, as my mother would say, we come by it honestly, okay?

We got there because we place other people's needs above our own, right? Or we default to the conditioning we've received that has us literally serving other people first without listening to what we need, right?

And if you're a woman, this is part of the conditioning that you have received just by virtue of being someone socialized as a woman.

So today, I'm going to share with you three strategies that you And that's why we're here. That's the goal, right?

When you desire to make a change, it's because you want to operate differently within your life or to feel differently within your life, right?

We're not making change for the sake of making change. We want things to be different. So in order to feel differently about your life, you have to feel like you're capable of making a change to get yourself there, right?

You have to exercise agency over your decisions. And trust them. And remember that, like most things, self-trust is a skill.

You learn it. You practice it. And like a muscle, when you practice it and use it often, it grows and becomes stronger.

So when you don't trust yourself, it's sometimes really hard to see the why. You wonder, why can't I just trust myself to make this decision?

You can't really remember when you stopped trusting yourself or think of a moment that it happened, right? So maybe you even start to think it's something that you're born with or comes more easily to some people, and you're just the only person who just doesn't trust themselves.

Not true. But again, like most things, self-trust is something you have to practice and cultivate intentionally. And this is awesome news for you because it means that you can practice.

Practice it and develop it. So that's what the following recommendations are kind of geared towards. So here are my three concrete accessible ways that you can start to increase your level of self-trust today.

Okay, first strategy, reframe your relationship with yourself as being your relationship with your best friend, okay? It's really hard when it feels like you against the world, right?

But if it's you and your bestie, it's different. So think about the last time you had a gut feeling or intuition or even a mere thought that you wanted to do something specific or do something in a particular way.

And instead of doing it that way, you deferred to someone else's suggestion or way they thought you should do it.

So when you do this to yourself... ... It can be really easy to say, well, you know, this person had a really good point.

Or maybe it sounds more like, well, this person is obviously more of an expert than I am or has more experience with this.

So, of course, I would defer to their opinion. But when you think about your intuition as being your best friend chatting to you, she recommends something to you and you say, oh, that's nice, dear, but I'm going to follow so-and-so's advice instead.

Does that land differently? It totally does for me. You're essentially ignoring the wisdom of your best friend. And after a few rounds of treating her like this, she offers your wisdom, you defer to other people, she is not going to stick around and tolerate that .

This is another kind of side effect of low self-trust is eventually you are not going to be able to hear that voice at all.

You treat your best friend that way and she's going to stop talking to you. So the next time you are faced with a decision.

decision. get it. What happens with Even if it's just where to go for dinner. And honestly, sometimes that's the biggest decision we need to make in a day, right?

See if you can hear your inner voice. See if you can hear that intuition, that preference coming out. And see if this perspective shift of regarding that voice as the voice of your best friend changes how you show up for yourself.

I bet it will. Give it a try. Let me know how it goes. Okay. Second strategy. Flex your self-trust muscle by engaging in what I like to call small acts of rebellion.

I love this one. If you're a people pleaser, hand raised, or if you were raised in the school of the good girl, this one is definitely for you.

Everyone, absolutely everyone has operating rules that govern how they show up in the world. And I like to call these the insidious shoulds because

Because until we identify them, they're just running in the background, running the show, and very often without our permission or consent, right?

It's a collection of rules that we pick up from various influences as we go through life. They come from cultural expectations, from gender expectations, from religious upbringing, from our parents' perspectives.

You know, and again, they're rules that operate and govern your life, but often without your knowledge or permission. So it's super important that we identify those.

These are the kinds of messages that say something like, okay, I really should host my family's big holiday celebration this year because everyone wants to see my new baby, and of course I need to do this.

When you absolutely do not want to host this year's holiday celebration, right? So here's where the small acts of rebellion come in.

Now that you know self-trust is a muscle and a skill that you can So if saying no to hosting the big family celebrations this year feels way too big to start with, which it might, start really small.

So here are some ideas. Maybe don't finish that book that you're not really into. Even if you've paid full price for it, and even if everyone else says it's amazing, life's too short to read books.

Put it down. Start something else. Make a meal you want to eat. And if no one else likes it, okay, they can cook for themselves.

Maybe let the laundry win. Maybe let it sit unfolded for a couple more days while you actually do something different.

Maybe you take a walk without your phone. Maybe you buy yourself flowers, even if you feel like it's an indulgence that you can't afford right now.

And in my experience, yes, there is. Yes, there is. There are things that money, in my experience, most people can actually afford the flowers.

Okay. It's just that they think they're not worth it. They think that this is an indulgence that they are not worth.

Buy yourself the damn flowers. Okay. So these small acts of rebellion do not have to be serious. Okay. They can be fun and absurd and playful.

And I'm going to give you a couple of examples from people in my life. My best friend and absolute hero will occasionally say it and have Bailey's over ice cream for dinner on a random Tuesday.

This is a signal to her family that she is not cooking and that they are to fend for themselves for dinner and leave her alone until further notice.

next Bye. Bye. Bye. This is why my friend is a badass, okay? What are the rules that say you have to make an elaborate meal for your family every night?

Sometimes it's Bailey's over ice cream day. Another one of my best friends bought a bag of googly eyes and keeps them with her at all times, right?

And she sticks them on things when the mood strikes her and it brings her such joy and amusement. And it really amuses other people too, right?

She gets the biggest kick out of revisiting places and finding the googly eyes where she originally put them. And it was really, I worked with her and it was really fun to go through the office and see where she had been because the googly eyes were there.

So it doesn't have to be a big serious thing. It can be fun and stupid and absurd because that's what life is about is enjoying the fun parts.

So I hope that does give you some good ideas to start with. But if you're still feeling uninspired, throw this prompt in.

The chat GPT and see what it spits out might give you some interesting ideas, but the whole point of small acts of rebellion is to begin centering your own wants and needs with small, low risk micro decisions that create space for intentionality and choice.

And this is the process that makes space for self trust. You're finally paying attention to your best friend again, and she's super into it.

OK, third and final strategy, set and keep boundaries, a.k.a. promises you make to yourself. In my work with clients, boundaries often come up as a source of frustration, and I think it's because there's a lot of misconceptions about boundaries, what they are, how to set them, how to keep them, et cetera.

So let's do a little boundaries. describe it as Europese, fibrosis, gondors, your Boundaries are really just energetic lines that you draw around yourself to protect what you value and prioritize, including your time, energy, space, money, well-being, all the things.

And they define where you end and others begin. You are saying, this is mine. This is what I value and prioritize.

Beyond that, you can do whatever you want to do, person outside this boundary, okay? And again, boundaries define what you will do in a specific circumstance.

But they are not a way to control or manipulate another person's behavior or emotions. So let me say that again.

Boundaries are not a way for you to get someone else to do or stop doing something that bugs you.

Boundaries are me... me... I'll use an example that I like to use a lot to clarify this. Let's say your mother-in-law likes to stop by your house unannounced whenever the mood strikes her to see the grandkids.

And it ends up more often than not being super disruptive to your schedule. Okay, but you need your home to be a place where you and your family can rest and recharge and be on a damn schedule.

Okay, and she brings an element of chaos into that space without letting you know and without offering to help with anything.

Okay, so you decide to set a boundary that if she comes over without calling first, you will not be available for her to come inside.

Maybe you don't answer the door at all. Or maybe you answer the door and say, oh, sorry, this is a really bad time.

But hey, if you call next time, we can prepare and we can make a visit happen. Okay. Note that this does not mean

That setting this boundary will prevent your mother-in-law from coming by unannounced. In fact, she might test this boundary, especially if it's new, especially if she's been pretty entitled in the past, okay?

Your job here is to, one, tell her that this is the new way things are going to work. No fair holding someone on a boundary that they don't know about, right?

And second is to hold firm on that boundary. And this is how you build self-trust. You are making a promise to yourself by saying, hey, I value my space and my time and my energy for rest and recharging and my family time, okay?

So self-trust is not developed in the setting of the boundary so much as it is in the holding or the keeping of the boundary, okay?

So when you keep these promises to yourself, you tell yourself, You tell yourself! So Your best friend, that you can be trusted to keep what you value and prioritize sacred and safe from forces that want to disrupt it, right?

But when you also, when you hold firm on those boundaries, you show yourself and everybody else exactly what you value and prioritize.

What's important to you? So this is signing off at 5 p.m. when you say you prioritize family time and having dinner with your family every weeknight, even when your beloved colleague asks for another review real quick of that proposal right before you sign off, right?

That is showing yourself, firstly, and everyone else what you value and prioritize. And interestingly, in most of my, my work with clients, it's not so much that other people kind of actively press on or cross or test their boundaries most often.

And their boundaries are violated by themselves because they think or assume another person will have a negative thought or reaction, and they don't want to deal with that, right?

It's, okay, fine, just this once, I'll review this proposal, right? And pretty soon, that becomes a habit. And pretty soon, that demonstrates to your best friend that actually what you value and prioritize is really not as important as what my colleague values and prioritizes, right?

So every firmly held boundary is a vote for yourself. You're respecting yourself and your own boundaries, which then teaches other people to do the same.

They will respect you more when you hold firm in your boundaries. It feels totally counterintuitive, but it is exactly what happens, okay?

This is truly the secret to building self-trust. Self-trust is about you and your relationship with yourself. And that seems very self-evident.

But we It really does come down to that. So each of these strategies will help you reframe yourself and your best friend as the center and most powerful and important part of your daily life because you are.

You are. And this agency is one of the most crucial elements in making any kind of successful change. If you want to feel differently about or in your life, you have to change something about what you're doing.

And you have to feel like you are capable of making that change and trusting yourself through that process. So I hope this has given you some good ideas about how you can begin to practice and flex that self-trust muscle.

And, again, trusting yourself becomes more easy and fun as you get into it. Start treating yourself like you're your own best

And throw in some small acts of rebellion every day. They can be fun. They don't have to be serious.

And set and keep the promises that you make to yourself. Keep your boundaries because that is what creates the foundation for self-trust.

So thank you so much for listening to this episode of Changeology Clinic, and I will see you in the next one.