Changeology Clinic: Radical Permission to Disappoint Others

*On alignment, approval, and why the most honest choice often looks wrong to everyone else*

I thought I was just (procrastinating) planning a birthday party for my twins. Every time I thought about the party, I found myself knee-deep in shoulds: good-mom expectations, Pinterest-perfect pressure, and the quiet panic of wanting to do it “right.” 

Shouldn’t a “good mom” want to plan a big, fun party for her kids? Shouldn’t a “good mom” get excited about it?

By the time I’d debated cake flavors, shade tents, and guest lists, I realized the party I was planning had nothing to do with my kids’ joy and everything to do with other people’s comfort and expectations, and with my own "shoulds."

It was at that point that I realized that my procrastination was telling me something. I didn’t want to plan or host a big party. 

So I did something that felt completely countercultural: I didn’t throw the party. I made a different choice. A few humans our kids love, a day at the pool, and homemade ice cream…and it turned out to be one of the most joyful, aligned, and connected experiences of my life, both for me and for my kids. 

This Changeology Clinic episode isn’t really about parenting. 

It’s about the invisible expectations that shape your decisions, and how terrifying it can feel to choose what’s true for you instead. 

It’s about what happens when you stop twisting yourself into someone else’s definition of “good.” 

It’s about that moment you realize that being authentic might cost you approval…and decide to do it anyway.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

• How “good” quietly becomes a performance
• Why procrastination is often your body’s way of saying “this isn’t it”
• What alignment actually feels like (and why it often starts as guilt)
• Three coaching questions that will help you make the choice that’s true over the one that looks right
• Why disappointing people might be the most honest--and rebellious--thing you ever do

The REAL Change Kickstart is a 45-day 1:1 coaching intensive designed to help you:

• Identify the behaviors keeping you stuck
• Unlearn what is no longer serving you
• Create new patterns that align with what you truly want

Click here to get started.

Interested in longer-term support for making a significant change? Send me a message at meg@megtrucano.com to get started.

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Transcript

@0:14 - Meg Trucano 

Welcome to today's Changeology Clinic. And today I'm going to be sharing something a little more personal to highlight something I see pretty often in clients.

So settle in for a little story because it's a good one. In the weeks leading up to my twins' third birthday, I received tons of questions from friends and well-meaning acquaintances.

What are you going to do for their birthday? The truth was that I had been seriously procrastinating because of all the options, right?

What themes should we have? Dinosaurs and donuts? Explorers? Cocomelon? Can you. go. Moocorns, mermaids, what should we do? Should we rent a bouncy house for our backyard?

Well, it's going to be hot. August in Virginia. Then we would need more shades. Maybe we have to bring out the baby pool.

Maybe we need to get some more umbrellas. Maybe get some big fans. Plus, we'd have to rearrange our indoor space in case it rains to accommodate lots of people and kids running around.

And should we cater the meal? Should we have one or two cakes? They're two separate people, but should we buy them?

Maybe it needs to be an ice cream cake. Their birthday falls on a Monday, so should we do Saturday or Sunday party?

You know, who should we invite? Do we have any allergies to be mindful of? What kind of drinks should we get for the adults?

And how about the kids? Should we just do Capri Sun or should we do something a little healthier? And on and on and on, right?

And if you feel stressed out listening to me mentally plan our twins' birthday party, you get a sense for how I was starting to feel.

stressed out. Stressed the hell out, okay? My husband and I love to host, but we tend to prefer hosting smaller, more intimate groups of people, and this was starting to feel pretty big, right?

It was starting to stress me way more out than it needed to, and it got to the point that things had gotten out of hand planning-wise, right?

And if I'm being honest, pretty out of alignment with what the intended purpose of having a birthday party should be about, and that's to celebrate our twins' birthday.

Our party planning had gotten way more into what to do to make our guests happy territory than what would our kids actually enjoy territory.

So I began to flirt with the idea of not having a traditional birthday party situation, and immediately... My brain threw up all sorts of shoulds in response, right?

So a lot of them were around being a good mom. Like good moms should want to throw birthday parties for their kids and be excited about it, right?

Good moms should be creative and have a party that excites both kids and adults, right? Good moms should make the birthday party special and memorable for their kids.

But mostly, mostly, it showed up as feeling like if I didn't throw a huge, exciting, themed birthday party, that it would mean something about how much I love my kids or how I should set aside the stress and discomfort and annoyance of planning a party for the sake of my kids' experience, right?

So I thought about it for a bit, and then finally, I broached the topic with my husband. Should we even have a party?

party? party? So let And he looked at me like I was crazy at first, but then he sat with it for a few minutes and I could totally tell that those same shoulds were running through his head.

What would it mean about us as parents if we didn't throw this birthday party? And then I pointed out to him that when I had asked our kids what they wanted for their birthdays, right, to get an idea of a theme maybe or what flavor cake they wanted or what kind of gifts they wanted, who they wanted to invite, they consistently said 10 scoops, I presume, of ice cream, but that was consistent and emphatic and made absolutely no sense.

But they were three, right? They were going to be turning three. And it was at that point that I realized our kids did not care about having a giant birthday party.

They wanted ice cream and they wanted to be surrounded by loving people who would celebrate them. So we decided that

So that we were not going to have a birthday party. Instead, we invited a couple of close family friends and my kids' former nanny and her boyfriend and sister, who babysit for us all the time, to join us if they wanted to, not, you know, an obligation, at a local water park and then back to our house for ice cream to celebrate.

And I ended up having to confront what my deep-seated shoulds were telling me to do, which was have a big party and be excited about having a big party.

And I decided to do what was countercultural and unexpected, but more aligned with what my kids and I actually wanted.

And here is what happened. We spent four delicious hours at a local water park with our kids and our dear friends.

And there were seven adults to the three kids in attendance, which meant. That all the kids were showered with adoration and love and excitement, and when one group got tired, they would tag out, and another group would tag in, and the kids experienced just uninterrupted love and excitement.

And, you know, the kids had the best time because they were doing something that they loved, which was playing with people they love at the water park, you know, with adult friends that love them back, and what's really cool is that at times I got to sit back and actually observe my kids having the best time getting tossed in the air, going down the water slides, without having to be directly responsible for them because other adults were taking Taking them down the slides and playing in the sand and doing all that stuff.

So I actually got to observe our kids having a great time. And that is so rare, I think, in parenthood, you know, and I made the observation to that these adults.

So we excitedly came to spend time with us and our kids because, you know, they hung out with our kids way more than they hung out with us, which is the point, because they love them.

They love our kids. And as a bonus, you know, my husband and friends and I got to take turns going down the, you know, very fast, very fun water slide, knowing that our kids were safe and covered, which meant that we got to have fun instead of just kind of managing the kids and ensuring their fun and safety, right?

And I think the kids really appreciated that, seeing us, their parents, having fun, because that's going to become a memory for them, giving them permission when they perhaps become parents to enjoy themselves, right?

And at some point, I was so overcome with gratitude and joy that I told my husband, like, how lucky are we that these adults chose to spend their day with our family and are genuine.

We had homemade ice cream that I had dyed pink, per my daughter's request, and a cake that our former nanny lovingly made and decorated with little dinosaur and doggy figurines she got, and we ate, and we laughed, and we played until it was time for our kids to go to bed.

And we said goodnight to our guests, we said thank you for joining us, we went upstairs to do bedtime, and our guests hung out for a bit, finished their drinks, and let themselves out.

And to me, this is a huge marker of trust and intimacy that we can be totally plugged into our family life, be in our schedule, and our tribe weaves seamlessly in and out of that schedule.

And to me, that's hugely special. And here is why I am sharing. This experience with you. If I had acquiesced to the cultural expectation of having a themed birthday party for my twins, I would have missed out on one of the best experiences I've had as a parent so far.

If I had not opted to make the more aligned choice for me and for my family, I would have been stressed out, probably wouldn't have had as many fond memories because I'd been, you know, I'd probably be attending to the needs of our guests and managing kids, and it's just a whole different vibe, right?

My kids would have probably had fun, but definitely not as much fun or undivided attention as they got when we made the different choice.

And I'll be honest, I was not sure how it was going to turn out. You know, would it be special enough?

Would it convey that we love them so, so, so much because we didn't do what? All their little friends as families do to celebrate birthdays, right?

It didn't look like that. But I decided to lean into the different choice because it felt more aligned. And as a result, that aligned action led to us all having a spectacular time.

I mean, when was the last time you had a truly spectacular time at a kid's birthday party? It's very infrequent, right?

And this is the point. But sometimes making the aligned choice for yourself might feel like you're doing something wrong.

It might seem totally weird to other people. You might feel compelled to justify or explain yourself as to why you're making that other choice.

And I'll be honest, I did. I got some raised eyebrows and some quizzical looks from people that I told we weren't going to have a traditional party.

But the only way. But For you to have delicious, unexpectedly beautiful moments like what I experienced for my kids' birthday is to act in alignment with your authentic desires.

I authentically did not want to plan or host a party. And this was pretty apparent because I kept putting it off, right?

Kept procrastinating. I wasn't excited about it, and it felt like it was work that I had to do. And I just didn't love that energy, right?

I didn't want to begrudge my kids' birthday. And my shoulds told me that I needed to subvert that feeling and step up and just do it for the sake of my kids.

Acting in alignment with your authentic desires is hard. So much of what we actually want for ourselves and our families and our experience of life is not what we see depicted.

In doing. Thank Movies, in books, in the media, in our friends' lives even, right? And I think often we make decisions that are out of alignment for us because we feel like it will cost us something to be ourselves.

To act in accordance with what we truly want or need will cost us something. But it's only in taking that aligned action and moving beyond that fear of loss or discomfort that you can create exceptional experiences like what you crave and what you want for your life.

This is the way. So, for today's Changeology Clinic, here are some questions that you can meditate or journal around that might give you some clarity on whether you are actually authentically aligned with your desires.

Okay, question number one. If you're being really, really honest with yourself and literally know… If one else would know about the choice that you make, what would you decide?

When no one else is looking, what would you pick? Second question, where are you dragging your feet or procrastinating or otherwise feeling uninspired for an event, a person, a decision, or a big change?

This is a sign that you might be out of alignment and that procrastination you're experiencing is how your brain deals with that cognitive dissonance.

I want something different, but this is the choice I feel like I have to make. So I'm just going to procrastinate making the choice at all, right?

You know, I was super stressed and not very excited about planning a party, but I was super excited to celebrate my kids in a different way.

I was beyond excited because it was aligned. Okay. Third and final question. to ceap counterparts. Okay. Bye. Bye. Where might you be making assumptions about other people's reactions or behavior or consequences of making a decision?

Where might you be making assumptions? This is important to consider because so often we allow our assumptions of what we think will happen, of outside factors, to dictate the decisions that we make.

This could be the insidious shoulds that I've talked about before on previous episodes, or it could be assumptions about how another person will behave or think or what they might say.

And a good exercise to try here is to dream up the best case scenario of making an aligned choice, right?

So making the choice that you would make if nobody else was looking. Maybe you get praise or excitement from others after making a decision, right?

Maybe that's the best case scenario. And then outline the worst case scenario. What possibly might happen? Other people might disapprove.

Some people might be really nasty to you about making this call, right? The reality will likely fall somewhere in between.

And in many cases, and in the work that I've done with clients, it happens that it's far, far, far closer to the best case scenario than to the worst case scenario.

And what happens more often than it doesn't, is that when clients make aligned decisions, it actually inspires other people in their lives to do the same.

So we really need to call out these assumptions and bring them to the surface so that they don't hold so much power over our decisions and we can more clearly hear our authentic desires when they come through.

So, I hope that this story gives you permission to act in alignment with your authentic desires, because your authentic desires are there for a reason.

And if you continue to ignore them or subvert them, you run the risk of living a life that's not really yours.

And when you're looking, you know, at the mountain ahead, you know, of you that represents making a big change, you might feel tempted to make the decision that anyone else would logically make in your shoes.

But you're not them. And they're not you. At the end of the day, I wanted to make a choice that felt good to me, even if it meant awkward or uncomfortable conversations with other people that would not have made that same choice.

And it did. There were a couple of awkward conversations. But I hope you feel empowered to do the same, to act in alignment with your authentic desires, both in your daily life and as you begin the journey toward making any kind of change.

So that's it for me today. Thank you for listening. To the Changeology Podcast, and I'll see you in the next one.