Making Space in Your Brain for Lovemaking 🧠

Your brain is your most important sexual organ.

As you go through your days, weeks, months, and years, you need to make space in your brain for relaxation, creativity, fun, and pleasure... if you want to have those in lovemaking.

You have to learn to periodically value other things more than productivity.

-Connection

-Rest

-Play

-Delight

A woman in a chronic stress state is not going to be able to enjoy sex very much. 

In this episode, Sarah shares some examples for how you can slow down and connect with yourself ....and with your husband!... in order to create the foundation you need for good lovemaking. 

MORE RESOURCES

Free Enhancing Marital Intimacy Guide for Catholic Women: 9 Skills for Body, Mind, and Spirit (for married and engaged women)

Do you want to know what is allowed for Catholics in the bedroom? The "What's Allowed List" answers 20+ questions about what is licit and illicit. ($10)

Model-free lingerie! Get 10% off with my affiliate link for Mentionables.

Transcript

0:51

Your brain is your most important sexual organ. I'm gonna say that again. Your brain is your most important sexual organ. So ladies, it is really key for you as you learn to enjoy love making, to create space. In your brain for left making. You need to scoop aside like part the Cs of all the to-dos so that you can have some bandwidth in your brain for thinking about sex and being open and receptive to it. And this is going to take changing your beliefs and your habits now. I'm a practicing Catholic. I'm a moral theologian. I love and uphold the teachings of the church. So I want you to believe the true and good and beautiful teachings of the Catholic Church on sex, but your beliefs about yourself as a good woman might need some changing. For example, you might think I'm just, I'm a good woman. I'm a better woman. The more that I'm doing things for others, like that's how I earn my value, my goodness as a woman. So the more that I'm doing, the more that I'm taking care of everything. That is how I can have my sense of my own worth. And this can lead you down this road of hyper functioning and you're never gonna feel up for sex and for love making and for pleasure, because as I've said before. Libido, pleasure, arousal, all of that is filed under your parasympathetic nervous system, which is what you are experiencing when you're in rest and digest. When you're playful, creative, relaxed, fun. That is the, the state of being. The state your nervous system needs to be in. In order to experience pleasure in love making and when you're in fight or flight, when you're taking care of all the things, you're hypervigilant, you're just focused on your to-do list, you're getting tasks done, then you're often in chronic stress and that's in your sympathetic nervous system. And God wisely designed us women so that you know when we're, we are in survival mode. We're just, we've gotta get all these things done. Deadlines, tasks, then our nervous system is not conducive to pleasure. So that's how, your brain is in charge of your nervous system. So if you can work on. Valuing playfulness, rest, creativity, relaxation, making at least some space for that. In your days, in your weeks, in your months, in your years, you're gonna be able to set the stage for. Enjoying love making more. And so what could that look like in your weekly schedule? This could mean one or two nights a week or nights. You are not trying to get anything else done. You're not gonna be working on your online bill pay. You're not gonna be trying to get caught up on laundry. If you have one night a week where nobody in your household has activities, that's your night. You just claim it. And this could be a night just for you to relax. That's one way to do it. You just do something fun. Maybe you just read a book or watch a movie, or do a hobby or a craft or just go for a walk or take a long soak in the bathtub. You get to decide what sounds nice to you. Another way to do it would be you do this. In tandem with your husband, you two do something together that's fun, relaxing, creative. It's a date night or it's a, just sitting and chat night or movie night with each other. But you're not trying to be productive. That's the main thing. You just have to switch off that productivity focus for a while to give your libido a fighting chance at coming out to play. I'm bringing this up because this has been something that's come up in my private coaching with students in my delight as well as in our group calls that several women in this spring cohort that I'm now in the midst of have shared with me that learning this has been a big game changer for them when they've realized that their brain is their most important sexual organ and that they need to make space in their brain for love making, that they need to create, space to, to value. That precursor, which is that playful, restful, relaxed state. Like, when's the last time you've laughed with your husband? When's the last time you did something creative? When's the last time you did something fun for you? And I don't mean scrolling, that's a numbing behavior. I, I don't mean, scrolling on Instagram or on the internet. That's just. Checking out, and it's not relaxing your nervous system, it's stirring it up further so your, your nervous system and your brain are getting even further spun around in that, stressed state. Even though you feel like you're off and you're checking out while you're scrolling, actually, that's not the physiological response. If you wanna be watching a movie together while you're cuddling, that's different from. Actively scrolling So I just, I hope this can help you. Look at your week, look at your day. Do you have a time in your day when you can put your feet up a little bit figuratively Or literally. So in my days I like to take a break in the late afternoon and drink some tea or have a snack and read from my well-read mom literature selection of the month or whatever, novel I'm reading, um, or go for a walk by myself. Those are two things that are really restorative for me. Or go play around in my garden and dink around, pull a few weeds. Think about, you know, switching a plant from one place to another, dreaming about, where I'm gonna grow, what this season. That's another thing that's really restorative for me. So what is it for you? Maybe you've just been in the trenches of motherhood or your career and you've never even thought about that. What do you like? That's uniquely personal and it's really special. And this is, this is part of you really blossoming into the whole woman that God has created you to be. And this is part of holiness too. Look at religious sisters and nuns in community. In their rule. They often have it prescribed into their day, a 30 minute period of recreation. How many busy moms with young kids can say they've got 30 minutes in their day when they just. Relax and laugh and hang out. But you could, you could make that even with young kids, you could have 30 minutes where you're all together and you're just, you're doing something fun together and you're not trying to be productive or get something else done. You could just enjoy time with your kids. Um, but with your husband, especially for us married ladies, like how can you find non-sexual just times of enjoyment with your husband? And if you don't have that. If you don't have enjoyment in anywhere else in your life, with your husband or by yourself with a hobby or doing something that you like, how is it that you think you would be able to find pleasure and enjoyment in sex? You don't have the muscle. It's not there, right? So you need to practice this outside the bedroom, so then you have a greater capacity for it. Inside the bedroom or wherever you're going to be making love with your husband. It doesn't have to be just the bedroom. So I just encourage you to look at that in your day. Do you have a little bit of time in your day to unwind? Without scrolling. In your week, I talked about that. In your month, can you schedule something fun for yourself, something a little bit extra or with your husband, like a fancier date, or, not necessarily fancy, but just a little special, something tried and true, something a little novel. You could go out to dinner or a movie. Of course you could go on a walk in a nearby park. You could. Go see a live performance of something. You could go to a museum and take in some art. You could hang out with friends and do a double date with friends that actually boosts a bunch of oxytocin and then come back all energized and you can decide about do you want to link date night to sex, or do you wanna keep those separate? Either way, it doesn't matter. You can do it either way. But I do think you should have dedicated time for fun and relaxation and pleasure in your life, just largely speaking, and time for relaxation and fun and pleasure. That's nonsexual with your husband so you can connect and grow your emotional connection. Then also when it comes to love making, then that relaxation, that pleasure, that space in your brain, you've made that emotional connection with your husband. That's all the foundation that needs to be in place. For your love making to be enjoyable and connecting and not just a chore for you. So I hope that's helpful for you, and I just encourage you to think about how can you make more space in your brain for. Enjoying love making. What do you need to change about your beliefs? Where can you soften the rigidity? Where can you let up a little bit on the pressure that you're putting on yourself to get everything done? Know that God delights in you and that you are his beloved daughter.