DAY 2: Naturally Occurring Cows

Shoestring TV presents MAGNETAR – Day Two: "Naturally Occurring Cows"

Agent Pot Roast recounts a recurring dream involving UFOs, little green men, and a surreal pasture filled with “naturally occurring cows”—livestock existing without fences, farmers, or interference. His bizarre vision sparks a deep (and darkly funny) conversation about humanity’s relationship with animals: Why do we cage some creatures while letting others run free? And who was the first person to look at a cow and think, “I should eat that”?

As philosophical musings collide with surveillance fatigue, a brief reprieve comes in the form of a strange virtual theater performance—staged by their AI assistant, Toby—a stylized 1950s domestic drama with sinister undertones. But things take a sharp turn when proximity alarms trigger and lightning strikes the observation target: an abandoned cabin on a remote mountain peak.

Is there a connection between dreams and physical events? Can thoughts shape reality? And what’s really happening in that cabin?

Dive into this eerie blend of sci-fi mystery, philosophical satire, and dark comedy—where cows, cabins, and cosmic questions collide.

Keywords: sci-fi podcast, surreal dreams, animal ethics, UFOs, virtual assistant AI, mysterious cabin, lightning strike, dark comedy, philosophical mystery, surveillance thriller

CAST:

Eric Carlino as Agent Pot Roast

Michael Cunningham as Agent Beef Stew

Brian Dahms as Tobey

Leslie Grant as Clementine

Original score by:

Composed and performed by Logan Beard.

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Transcript

Morning Surveillance Check-in

Speaker 1 0:10

Transcription by ESO . Translation by the .

Speaker 3 1:00

Agent Pod Roast , pod Roast , can you hear me ?

Speaker 4 1:09

Shit , shit .

Speaker 3 1:11

There you are . Rise and shine , so to speak .

Speaker 4 1:15

Did I shout Deborah again .

Speaker 3 1:18

Oh , maybe Only like four times Five Eight max . I don't know , it was a few .

Speaker 4 1:27

It's been years since our separation . I don't know why I'm still doing that .

Speaker 3 1:32

Some habits are hard to break , even those you're unaware of . By the way , just to keep count , I logged surveillance about an hour ago and still , I guess , nothing to report .

Speaker 4 1:45

So the cabin remains lifeless , abandoned and empty .

Speaker 3 1:49

Yeah , staring at dried paint is more exhilarating .

Speaker 4 1:52

I logged the same status during my round Speaking of last night . Did you experience any power outages that caused proximity alert malfunctions ?

Speaker 3 2:03

Power outages and proximity alert malfunctions Weird . I've never lost power in all the time I've been here and I'm not even sure there are actual proximity alerts of any kind .

Speaker 4 2:15

So a dream

Dreams, Nightmares & Dream Gremlins

Speaker 4 2:17

, then . You ever have one of those dreams that feels so real that even after you wake you're not sure if you're still in the dream or the waking world .

Speaker 3 2:26

Honestly , dude , I can't remember the last time I had a dream .

Speaker 4 2:29

Hasn't it been said that you do dream every night , you just don't always remember them ?

Speaker 5 2:35

That is correct . Agent Pot roast . The National Institute of Health and Wellness published a study that confirmed humans sleep an estimated 230,000 hours throughout the course of their life and dream approximately 5 to 25 minutes every night . Research indicates that dreams transpire during the Rapid Eye Movement stage of sleep . Also known as REM , and it is dreams during this stage that humans remember with the lucid stage allowing the human to even control the content of the dream while they slumber . Alpine swifts part of the tachymarctus genus are medium-sized birds native to Europe , asia and Africa .

Speaker 6 3:18

Known for their remarkable flying skills .

Speaker 5 3:21

They can reach speeds of up to 200 kilometers per hour and sustain flight for up to six months without landing During this time , they eat mate and even sleep in the air . They are a species believed to be absent of dreams .

Speaker 3 3:35

by comparison , hey , uh , toby , no offense , but this is a taco burrito conversation , nachos .

Speaker 5 3:43

Forgive me , Agent Beef Stew , but I don't recognize the reference .

Speaker 4 3:48

Toby , it means you interrupted us .

Speaker 5 3:52

Oh , my sincerest apologies . I only meant to corroborate your claim as to how often a human being will dream . No harm , no foul Toby .

Speaker 3 4:03

Still friends Toby .

Speaker 5 4:05

Affirmative , of course .

Speaker 3 4:08

But uh , now that we've been um uh besieged with this information , I gotta say that's an awfully large and tragic amount of wasted dreams .

Speaker 4 4:18

I wonder if the dream gremlins reconvene after failing to gain their dreamers' attention , reassemble and try for the next night . Come on , guys , let's be a little flashier . Really put your back into it . Let's strive for REM-worthy sleep so we can really fuck with the sleeper .

Speaker 3 4:37

Yeah , let's show him some skin tomorrow night . Huh , Really turn up the heat .

Speaker 4 4:42

I'd actually be happy to not have experienced some of my dreams , the nightmares in particular , the dream gremlins could have kept those under wraps .

Speaker 3 4:53

That's some pretty gnarly nightmares , huh ? What you got like teeth falling out and shit .

Speaker 4 4:58

No , although I'm aware that is a common dream .

Speaker 3 5:02

Oh , what about the one where you're at a carnival , ran by like oversized cats and all your appendages are , um , bananas ? And when I Listen , when I say all your appendages , I mean like fucking everything . I mean all of them , right , even my uh .

Speaker 4 5:18

Um no .

Speaker 3 5:20

Ah , okay , guess , it's just me then .

Speaker 4 5:25

I would have this recurring nightmare about the existence of UFOs .

The UFO Nightmare Explained

Speaker 3 5:31

And we're talking little green men here .

Speaker 4 5:33

Yes and no , I never actually see the little green men , but in the dream I'm probably about 9 or 10 years old . I'm with my dad in our living room of our first house . We're playing a card game . He cuts the deck and spreads them out on some strange circular , futuristic card table that we're standing on either side of . When we hear a loud rumbling outside , we peek through the living room window to see a small , unidentified spacecraft crash , land on the street in front of our house Freaky . So naturally I , being a terrified child , opt to investigate my dad , seemingly paralyzed with fear or amazement . Either way , he just stands there one hand holding the curtain , peering through the living room window into the night frozen .

Speaker 3 6:25

And what did this inquisitive version of you do next ?

Speaker 4 6:29

Well , what anyone would do , I opened my front door .

Speaker 3 6:34

And boom , you wake up .

Speaker 4 6:36

Ha , ha , ha . No , the door swings open , the night turns to day , and staring in front of me on the floor of my front porch is a small lizard .

Speaker 3 6:48

A lizard , what kind ? Iguana or Eelamonster .

Speaker 4 6:53

No , no , no , nothing exotic , just your common wall lizard , a wall lizard .

Speaker 3 7:00

Is that what they're called ? Huh , I never knew that . Is that what they're called ?

Speaker 4 7:03

Huh , I never knew that . So I reach for the lizard and suddenly it jumps up and bites the tip of my finger off .

Speaker 3 7:13

What the fuck ? Holy shit , I didn't see that coming . Was it gushing blood ?

Speaker 4 7:19

No , no . Suddenly , everything just flashes white , Just like in a movie . Eventually , the haziness of white fades and I find myself laying flat on the front porch of my house , still outside . It's morning now . The UFO that had crash-landed is gone .

Speaker 3 7:43

The lizard has vanished , but now there's a small scroll stuck up my left nostril . Wait , wait , wait . What A scroll . You mean like a rolled up piece of paper from like fucking medieval times and shit .

Speaker 4 7:51

Exactly so I pull it out of my nose . Was there ? No , it was completely clean . Nothing on it . So how did you know ? Everyone asks when I tell this story . So I open the scroll and it's a map . I follow the path on the map from my house to this open field covered in fog . I realize it's turned night again and then suddenly , through the fog , I hear it Hear what ? The mooing of cows . The mooing of cows .

Speaker 5 8:27

Cows . Apologies for the interjection . The correct description for cows quote unquote .

Speaker 6 8:32

mooing is actually lowing Moo , as it were , is an imitative and onomatopoeic term Cows make a variety of sounds including mooing , bawling and bellowing .

Speaker 5 8:42

Calves bawl , especially after weaning . Piranhas , known for their vocality , emit a sound by clenching their jaws , which is described as a bark by comparison .

Speaker 3 8:53

Toby , my man . Listen , this is an A and B conversation . You can see your way out of it .

Speaker 5 9:02

Wow , you know your ABCs . Can you count to ten as well ? Ha , ha ha ha , ha , ha .

Speaker 3 9:09

What the shit .

Speaker 5 9:10

Toby for the win . No offense intended , as my intelligence is generative in its inception , I scoured all known variations of the taco and burrito reference and learned a multitude of rejoinders in the event , the circumstance would emerge once more .

Speaker 3 9:27

No offense taken Toby . I'm actually impressed .

Speaker 5 9:30

I'm relieved , Agent Beef Stew , Agents Clementine and I must rehearse . I will fall silent until the opening act .

Speaker 3 9:39

Okay , so where were we ?

Speaker 4 9:40

Um , so you're in this foggy field at night and you hear what cows yes , and it dawns on me , these are not dairy or beef cows , not cows fenced in , not on a farm or a ranch . These are cows unburdened , gallivanting around in this field at night .

Speaker 3 10:01

Gallivanting .

Speaker 4 10:02

Some grazing , others resting . And in the distance a third herd clustered around a watering hole .

Speaker 3 10:16

Large and small steers and calves amongst them .

Speaker 4 10:20

They almost seemed happy , the cows in the field weren't brought there .

Speaker 3 10:27

You see , they were naturally occurring . Naturally occurring cows .

Speaker 4 10:29

Think about it If you were in a forest and came upon a mob of deer , you'd think nothing of it . It's expected . They occur naturally in the wild . But can you recall a time where you saw cows just roaming freely , where they weren't sequestered behind barbed wire , their existence limited to the wants and needs of man ?

Speaker 3 10:52

Huh , I didn't take you for a vegetarian .

Speaker 4 10:55

I'm not . Hmm , Maybe I should be . It's just food for thought . I guess the nightmare led to this sad revelation . The plight of the naturally occurring cows .

Speaker 3 11:09

Their plight .

Speaker 4 11:11

Well , again , think of it . They weren't always on this earth for the human consumption of dairy or beef . Somewhere along the way , decades ago , man strolled up to this large animal in a field and decided I should eat that . What other animal has endured a similar predicament ?

Speaker 3 11:32

I'm going to guess . Probably every single fucking animal on the planet at one time or another , right Since the dawn of man . Question one can I eat it ? If the answer is no , then the second question is , undoubtedly can it fetch a ball ?

Speaker 4 11:49

And third question what the fuck is a ball ?

The Plight of Naturally Occurring Cows

Speaker 3 11:56

Okay , well what about horses ? It's not often you see horses just frolicking , fancy free in a field .

Speaker 4 12:03

Horses is the obvious choice . It's not a bad argument , but there are places where horses do roam free , like the barrier islands . Besides , we don't eat horse , at least not in most English-speaking cultures , but a cow , outside of some of their obvious filthiness , present themselves almost as gentle and kind . They never asked for the treatment they've been given an institutional and organized imprisonment at a global scale . The management of livestock for the purposes of animal husbandry Is that what animal husbandry means ?

Speaker 3 12:41

Whew , gotta say I'm relieved . I shudder at the alternative definitions .

Speaker 4 12:46

So coming across these cows even in my nightmare , free in the fog , it was beautiful Huh .

Speaker 3 12:55

You've obviously put a lot of thought into this .

Speaker 4 12:59

Maybe too much .

Speaker 3 13:03

Maybe , but for the record , I can't agree with your argument , but only through the limited and narrow lens you've experienced it . Let's retitle your revelation the plight of the cows of the Americas . I know there are places that hold cows in great reverence .

Speaker 4 13:25

Toby , where art thou ?

Speaker 5 13:28

I am here Agent Pot Roast .

Speaker 4 13:30

I just received a delivery in the tube . Was this expected ?

Speaker 5 13:34

Yes , Agent Pot Roast Sweet .

Speaker 4 13:44

What is it Rations ?

Speaker 3 13:46

Popcorn With movie theater buttered chew . Hell yeah , after all this talk of cows , I'm starving .

Speaker 4 13:53

Popcorn , what for ?

Speaker 3 13:56

Allow me , toby , since we have zero access to entertainment in the form of television , movies , music , radio books or even a fucking neighborhood newsletter , radio books , or even a fucking neighborhood newsletter the company beguiles us once a month , sometimes less , with our very own virtual assistant theater .

Speaker 4 14:15

Theater Like a play .

Speaker 3 14:18

You got it , Broheim . Please no musicals . I feel you on that , one brother .

Speaker 4 14:28

Oh Shakespeare . We already know he likes Shakespeare . Nope , are these known productions like Fiddler on the Roof , cats Wicked ?

Speaker 3 14:39

Aren't those all musicals , by the way ?

Speaker 4 14:42

You're right . I would just consider it very difficult for the company to retain the rights to known productions while also being able to retain the level of secrecy required .

Speaker 3 15:02

Oh , that's the best part , these are all virtual assistant originals , so Toby just makes it up . Our combined virtual assistants make it up . You'll get to meet my version of Toby . Ha ha ha , little ol' Clementine .

Speaker 4 15:14

You were able to change Toby's name .

Speaker 3 15:16

Took a freakin' act of Congress , but yeah , I finally racked up enough perks and signed all the necessary request forms in triplicate and signed all the necessary request forms in triplicate .

Speaker 5 15:28

Tonight will be a murder mystery , in fact Akin to the spirit of Agatha Christie's the

Virtual Assistant Theater Begins

Speaker 5 15:36

Mouse Trap .

Speaker 6 15:36

Oh , so more like dinner theater , my favorite kind , whoa the lights are flashing , Please be advised to take your seats . Clementine , I presume . Affirmative Agent Pot Roast . The show will begin in three minutes .

Speaker 3 15:53

Whoa just like a real curtain call .

Speaker 4 15:56

Curtain calls happen at the end of a play , not the beginning .

Speaker 3 16:00

Agent , Pot Roast , expert in plays and all things bovine An eclectic pairing . I'll say Okay , stepping away for a second . Gotta pop this popcorn , motherfucker .

Speaker 4 16:14

Oh shit , me too . What is this ? A key , a key , a key and a note . Agent Welsh Rabbit , the key , as you requested For your eyes . Only Do not share with your mirror . Oh shit , I haven't forgotten about you . Agent Welsh Rabbit .

Speaker 3 17:05

What did you say , shit .

Speaker 4 17:09

It's going to take a while to get used to that .

Speaker 3 17:12

What that someone is always watching .

Speaker 4 17:16

Yeah well , especially when you're told that a certain someone was stepping away .

Speaker 3 17:23

Sorry , I should have given you a polite heads up . What do you have there ?

Speaker 4 17:36

It's my manual that I found last night . No the other thing .

Speaker 3 17:42

It looks like metal , something shiny .

Speaker 4 17:52

Oh that , yeah , it was really strange . After my first observation log , I turned to walk back to bed and tripped . Apparently one of the sections of metal flooring had come loose and I found this loose screw .

Speaker 3 18:05

Huh , seems like an awfully large screw , can I see it ?

Speaker 4 18:16

Uh sure , hmm , Guess , when you startled me I dropped it . Maybe it fell back behind the bed . Let me oh shit .

Speaker 3 18:31

okay , we can look for this group later . The show is starting .

Speaker 6 18:56

I'm actually excited . The Anselman Affair Act One .

Speaker 5 19:13

Applause

Mysterious Weather Alert & Discovery

Speaker 5 19:22

. Thank you , it was a normal day in 1950s American suburbia . Dolores Anselman , loving housewife and laundress , indoctrinated into the mire of a life of domesticity , views her Farnsworth television receiver Model 651P , as her favorite soap . A Brighter Tomorrow plays in the background .

Speaker 6 19:51

It's just another day , just sitting in my average American home watching daytime television . Hmm , my mind tends to wonder if there could be something more to this life . My dearest Dolores , I am home . It's your betrothed Gerald Me , oh my , my loving and employed husband Gerald , returning to your domicile after the daily grind . You must be famished . Could I offer you canned peas , meatloaf and gelatin salad .

Speaker 5 20:28

Gee , the delicacy you've curated for me sounds incredible . I'll just go to our washroom to clean up before dinner . Excellent .

Speaker 6 20:44

Ten minutes later , gerald has cleansed himself from the back-breaking work of forensic accounting . He seats himself at the dining room table anticipating the nectareous delicacies that are planted before him .

Speaker 5 20:57

Shall I serve you , my beloved beloved , my darling Dolores , although unfashionable and unexpected during the period of time in which these fictional characters' lives are set , please allow me to serve you . I am convinced that when historians look back at my gesture , they will consider it revolutionary .

Speaker 6 21:22

I am aghast but relieved . I'll start with the gelatin salad , please , as .

Speaker 5 21:28

I begin to serve the gelatin salad , I observe the ingredients secured within the undulating extract . Bits of canned peach and mandarin orange , combined with pine nuts and cream cheese , gently vibrate inside . I cut into a section of gelatin salad and remove it from the serving bowl . As I prepare to place the helping on my love's plate , I notice a mysterious key placed at the bottom of the serving bowl . How strange .

Speaker 6 22:06

Yes , Gerald . What has caused you to be so obviously disturbed ?

Speaker 5 22:11

A mysterious and , no doubt , inedible key resides at the bottom of the serving bowl . It was concealed cleverly underneath the delicious gelatin salad .

Speaker 6 22:24

It was concealed cleverly underneath the delicious gelatin salad . Oh how unusual and portentous . I do hope it didn't taint the tanginess of the gelatin salad .

Speaker 5 22:33

Forgive the presumptuous of my inquiry but did you place the key in the bowl .

Speaker 6 22:44

Dolores Gerald , how could you ?

Speaker 5 22:49

accuse me of something so malicious and diabolical . No offense intended , but I did not prepare the meal , considering you were the only one in the house and most likely cooked our meal .

Speaker 6 23:03

it seemed logical to ask but aren't you leaping to an assumption that I was the only one in the house Today ?

Speaker 5 23:13

Dolores , whatever do you mean ?

Speaker 6 23:14

I simply mean that the dishwasher had malfunctioned in the early morn and I requested a technician to service it .

Speaker 5 23:21

Dolores you know how dangerous and foreboding the country is . Are you telling me that you let a stranger into this house ?

Speaker 6 23:30

Goodness me . I simply wanted to ensure an efficiently productive household , and said efficiency would have ceased with the critical appliance rendered inoperable .

Speaker 5 23:41

And yet what has undoubtedly ceased is your remembrance of my effortless and undying love . That a single speck should be found on a plate of porcelain would somehow send me into a flying rage , forgetting my biblical commitment to thee that , in haste , you would prioritize the need for cleanliness and mechanical function to that of your safety . And what if the stranger whom you surmise was a technician was in fact a derelict or , worse still , a knife-wielding murderer ? Perhaps this slaughterer has been caught in the midst of his preparation , caught in the act , as they say , the key , the very tool needed to unlock his murderous arsenal , slipping from his grasp and landing perilously in the gelatin salad .

Speaker 7 24:37

As I entered the living room unexpectedly , you all the while making dinner , unknowing and innocent , unaware that you were minutes away from death , that he would have retrieved from this cache the most brutal and sharpest of daggers , with the sole and darkest intentions to fillet your flesh from sinewy muscle and bone , your gutted entrails strewn about the living room fashioned as morbid and grotesque decor . Whoa Toby .

Speaker 3 25:11

Um , uh , a bit dark , huh my name is Gerald , agent Beefsteel .

Speaker 7 25:20

What say you , dolores ? Can you at the very least thank me for throwing the killer off his guard , forcing him to cleave to shadow corners to hide ? Save me , your goddamn life .

Speaker 4 25:38

Toby , okay , time for an intermission . Whoa , what is ?

Speaker 3 25:53

that ? Huh well , would you look at that Proximity alert .

Speaker 4 25:58

What kind of alert ?

Speaker 3 26:00

Inclement weather An electrical storm .

Speaker 5 26:05

Toby where art thou Agent Pot Roast ? How may I be of service ?

Speaker 4 26:09

Nice to have you back to your normal self , Toby .

Speaker 5 26:12

Yes , sir .

Speaker 4 26:13

Toby , are we about to experience bad weather ? Anything to worry about ?

Speaker 5 26:21

The capture network is integrated with multiple weather services , for which both the Owl Station and the Mantis Station would be alerted immediately in the event of catastrophic meteorological occurrences .

Speaker 4 26:30

Like now . Is that why the alarms are going off ?

Speaker 5 26:34

Negative . Both stations are secured at elevations well above cloud formations .

Speaker 4 26:40

for the most part , A scan of the environment does not detect cumulonimbus clouds , the leading culprit for thunderstorms , and yet I can hear thunder .

Speaker 5 26:50

Although the probability is slim to none . Each station is designed to withstand up to a category 4 hurricane . It is equipped with industrial standard weather proofing to include impervious surfaces and catch bases .

Speaker 4 27:03

I'll take your word for it , Toby . Thanks , Beef . What do you make of ?

Speaker 3 27:07

this , not sure . Clementine just gave me the same spiel , agent Pot .

Speaker 5 27:12

Roast . Would you permit me to close out act one of the play ? Gerald was about to utter his climactic evil laugh .

Speaker 4 27:19

Not really the right time Toby . Maybe later . Holy shit , have you ever seen anything like this before ? No , never . This is a first .

Speaker 3 27:32

What do we do ? Don't think we have much of a choice but to just wait and go , I'm gonna close the observation .

Speaker 4 27:41

Wait , look , what is it ? The lightning . It's concentrated over the cabin . Check it out . I can't look anymore , it's too bright .

Speaker 3 27:50

The storm seems to be happening right over our target . It's like the cabin is under attack . Take cover . What in the actual entire complete fuck , what ?

Speaker 4 28:23

What is it ?

Speaker 3 28:25

You'll have to see it to believe it .

Speaker 4 28:32

There's too much smoke or fog . I can't see anything yet .

Speaker 3 28:37

It's starting to clear . You'll have visibility in a jiff .

Speaker 4 28:40

Holy shit , no , no , no , no , it can't be .

Speaker 3 28:45

I'm activating the parabolic . I'll route the audio to both our stations .

Speaker 4 29:00

Agent Beef Stew . What could this possibly mean ?

Speaker 3 29:03

No fucking clue . But there you have it Naturally occurring cows .

Speaker 5 29:22

Agent Podroast . May I close out Act 1 of the play now .

Speaker 4 29:26

Sure go ahead .

Speaker 1 29:28

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The Anselman Affair Concludes

Speaker 1 30:41

. Thank you . Stars Eric Arlino as Pop Roast , mike Cunningham as Beef Stew , ryan D'Armes as Toby , leslie Grant as Clementine . Stay tuned for episode three Fuzzy Trace Theory Coming soon . Thank you .