EPISODE 12- Dementia, Denial, and Doing It Right: How Aging Life Care Managers Support Families

What happens when memory loss or confusion begins affecting everyday life—but the family isn’t ready to accept it?

In this episode, Jamie Callahan talks with Maria Kane, a certified Aging Life Care Manager with 47 years of experience. They discuss how care managers help families navigate complex situations related to dementia and aging—especially when denial, safety concerns, and difficult decisions are in play.

Maria shares:

• How she supports both the individual and the caregiver
• The signs of cognitive decline that families often miss
• How professionals gently move the needle toward diagnosis and care
• Why having an objective third party can reduce conflict and improve outcomes
• Her holistic, relationship-based approach to long-term support

Whether you're just starting to notice changes in a loved one or feeling overwhelmed with decision-making, this episode offers grounded insight and real-life examples to help you move forward with clarity.

📞 Questions? Call Team Senior at (541) 295-8230.

Transcript

Jamie Callahan
Hi, this is Jamie Callahan with the Team Senior Podcast. Our goal is to simplify aging. Society grooms us to plan for retirement, but what about life beyond retirement—where the rubber meets the road? Perhaps you've had a stroke or been diagnosed with cancer. Maybe you're forgetting things and now you have dementia.

That's our area of expertise, and we are here to share our insight.

And now, the Team Senior Podcast.

Hi, this is Jamie Callahan, and I am super excited to introduce our guest today. She is an aging life care professional and has been doing this work for a very long time in Southern Oregon.

To start, can you introduce yourself and tell us a bit about your background?

Maria Kane
Yeah, so my name is Maria Kane, and I started 47 years ago this June. I started as a CNA—a certified nurse's aide—in a nursing home up in Raleigh Hills, Portland area, and came down to Southern Oregon in the early '90s to start a memory care here.

My education: I have a master’s degree in exercise physiology with a minor in psychology, and a bachelor’s in both. I’m additionally credentialed as a certified care manager and a certified behavior consultant.

A lot of my career has been managing assisted living and memory care. My heart is definitely working with people with dementia.

Jamie
I love it. Maria, I've known you for a long time, and I have the utmost respect for you. I've worked alongside you with several clients, so I know what your capabilities are, and I'm excited to share that with everyone today.

What are the main types of services you’re providing to families right now?

Maria
We really get to do a deep dive. We help with doctor's appointments, driving safety, and navigating changes in living situations—usually with your help when we do that. We can support the emotional side of those transitions too.

But we go deeper than that. Beyond just providing services, we really develop a relationship. We can be there for the long haul through all the changes they might face.

We work on getting to know this human being—not only their immediate needs or a potential crisis, and how to navigate that—but who this human is, what matters to them, what makes them tick, what makes life full, and how do we partner with them to have the most full, abundant life possible.

Jamie
I love that. I'd love for you to give us an example of a person or family that you've helped in that way.

Maria
A woman in Ashland comes to mind—though there’ve been many. She was going to her mailbox several times a day, getting upstairs, not remembering, big fixation over the mail. She was also driving and hitting things—not realizing it. Thankfully, it was other cars, not people.

Her daughter lived in England and was notified that she was having struggles. Their relationship had changed because of the mother’s confusion and the daughter not understanding what was happening. It felt personal when her mother said, “I don’t need your help.” She felt like she was doing something wrong.

She came over to the U.S., met with me. We set up a system where I became the boots on the ground, got her legal guardianship, and at one point—this just about killed me—her mom called and fired me because she thought I stole her mail. Even though she’d agreed to have her mail go through me, she didn’t remember.

But it went uphill from there.

Jamie
That’s something you help families with—not just the individual with dementia but helping families understand the impact on their relationships.

Maria
Absolutely. Role conflict is hard no matter how it shows up. I love the saying, “My mother knows how to push my buttons because she’s the one that sewed them on me.”

We’re just far enough removed that our buttons don’t get pushed the same way. Not to say I wasn’t upset when she called me about the mail—but it would’ve been much worse if that had been my own mother.

We ended up helping her give up driving, move from her home to assisted living, and later to memory care. I got to be there holding her hand when she passed.

Jamie
That’s so amazing. One example you gave me before was taking someone to the grocery store—not for errands, but to observe how they move, how their memory works. You use casual settings to assess people, right?

Maria
Yes. We adjust our assessment style to what that person is willing to do. A lot of people don’t want to sit there and be asked, “What day of the week is it?” or to count backward from 100 by sevens.

You get some scores, which can help if you’re qualifying someone for services—but you get a much better idea of how their memory loss affects them by seeing them in real life.

Jamie
Sometimes an individual can appear physically healthy. How do you help families determine whether dementia is in play?

Maria
Beyond the physical appearance, when people process loss, denial is a common coping mechanism. It serves a purpose—but not forever.

So I get to know the person. There’s a tool called the Brief Cognitive Rating Scale that’s based on conversation and observation. At the same time, I’m building trust. I can gather a lot of good information that way.

We try to get past “guest behavior.” When people are under pressure, they perform. Their front brain lights up. You can see it on an MRI. So someone may perform well for an hour, and then collapse for the rest of the day.

You can’t just assess based on one hour. You have to show up at different times and situations.

Jamie
Once a family hires you, what types of tasks or responsibilities can you handle?

Maria
We go to doctor’s appointments, take notes, connect the dots, get prescriptions, set up follow-ups—make sure all the loops are closed. And make sure the family knows what’s going on.

Jamie
That’s such a tremendous value. What tools, resources, or strategies do you wish more families knew about?

Maria
In our complimentary consultation, we assess the situation. If they don’t need us but need something, we give them the resources.

I always recommend:

• aals.org – the Alzheimer’s Association
• Oregon Care Partners – they have lots of classes. I teach the challenging behaviors class.
• Local support groups and educational classes offered by communities.

Jamie
You’re not just helping the client—you’re supporting the whole family system. What else do you want people to know?

Maria
We also assess caregiver burden. 65% of the time, the caregiver predeceases the person they care for. We take a holistic approach to support everyone in the situation.

Jamie
That’s such a powerful—and alarming—statistic. But you are not a caregiver yourself, correct?

Maria
Correct. We work with caregiver agencies and registries. We help coordinate care, coach caregivers, and support the process.

Jamie
What’s one key piece of advice you’d offer families dealing with dementia?

Maria
Having a professional in there helps families understand why their loved one is acting a certain way. It’s not that the person is trying to be difficult—they’re having a difficulty.

We can gently tease that out, help preserve the relationship, and make it meaningful, even if it’s different than before.

Jamie
Sometimes, being the spouse or adult child is the trigger. That’s hard.

Maria
Yes. I remember when my dad—he passed from Alzheimer’s in 2014—called me after catching the kitchen on fire. He explained how he put an Eggo waffle on a paper plate and then into the toaster.

Even though this is my profession, I told myself, “It’s not dementia—he’s explaining what happened.” Denial. I wish I had a me, back then, to lovingly say, “It’s okay. Let’s just address it.”

Jamie
You work with doctors and specialists. Do you help families navigate a diagnosis?

Maria
Absolutely. I often administer screening tools (like SLUMS or BCRS), and I can report that to the doctor in a respectful way. It helps the doctor assess the next steps.

Jamie
I imagine it carries more weight coming from a professional than just the adult child saying “Dad’s forgetful.”

Maria
Unfortunately, yes. We can often move the dial faster—not because the family’s not credible, but because of time constraints. Doctors only get a few minutes, and the patient is in guest behavior mode.

Jamie
And you don’t want to talk about your loved one in front of them. That’s so tricky. Do you see PCPs deferring diagnosis to neuropsychologists?

Maria
Yes—and it takes months to get in. That’s where we can help families start moving forward now instead of waiting. I do the background work and often help the doctor feel confident enough to offer at least a general dementia diagnosis, which can open doors for care options like memory care.

Jamie
Maria, we have to wrap up, but I think you’re amazing. I’m a huge advocate for what you do.

Please tell people how to contact you.

Maria
The best number to reach me is 541-797-2000, or by email at marya@abundantlifeteam.com (that’s Marya with a “Y”).

Jamie
And of course, if you’re not sure what step to take, you can always call Team Senior. We answer the phone—even on Christmas morning.

If you ever get our voicemail, we’ll call you back right away.

Thanks so much, and we look forward to talking with you again.

Outro
Thank you for listening to the Team Senior Podcast. We're here every week sharing new and relevant information. Remember, we’re just a phone call away.

Team Senior: 541-295-8230.
Again: 541-295-8230.

Until next time, this is Jamie Callahan.