Overcoming People Pleasing (Ep.65)

This week we dive deep into the hidden cost of people-pleasing,  the guilt, anxiety, and self-abandonment that so many women silently carry.

From saying yes when your body is screaming no, to the deeper nervous system patterns behind fawning and approval-seeking, this solo episode explores why people-pleasing happens, how it impacts our relationships and wellbeing, and what it really takes to step into sovereignty.

Hannah shares personal stories, insights from a recent women’s circle, practical boundary-setting tools, nervous system regulation techniques, and compassionate guidance for anyone ready to stop abandoning themselves to keep others comfortable.

If you’ve ever felt exhausted from over-giving, afraid to disappoint people, or resentful after saying yes when you meant no, then this episode is for you.

Topics include:

• People-pleasing vs. the fawn trauma response
• Fear of rejection, conflict, and abandonment
• Why women often struggle to say no
• Nervous system regulation & grounding techniques
• How to build your “refusal muscle”
• Choosing authenticity over approval
• Learning to honour your own needs without guilt

A conversation about reclaiming your voice, your boundaries, and your life.

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Transcript

0:00

Yes, welcome to the Holistic Health Sisters podcast with wellness and real-life sisters Hannah Carr and Sarah King from the Holistic Health Collective. In this podcast, we're going to be sharing our passion for, of course, holistic health, but also spirituality, healings, hormone, plant medicine, seasonal living, our love of nature, and our love of community. So we're gonna invite you to take a pause and take a nice deep breath. And join us on a path of healing, of self-discovery and self-love, and of stepping into the brilliance of who you really are. This is a podcast for the seekers out there, those of you who know there's more to life than just surviving or going through the motions, and you want more. More health, wealth, happiness, love, compassion, connection, trust, surrender, and more faith. And you want that for others too, so we can make this world a better place for us all. So go and grab a cup of ceremonial grade cacao and join us as we explore what moves through us, that which is divinely led, so we can all move from fear towards more faith. Thank you so much for being here with us today Welcome to this week's episode with me, Hannah Carr. It's a solo episode, and we are diving into the subject of people-pleasing. And it's definitely a subject where women in our audience tend to be people pleasers, probably because Sarah and I have been ourselves, probably are still to some point recovering people pleasers perhaps we could call it, becoming more sovereign. So women in our audience tend to really resonate with this topic, and I've literally just finished a women's circle at my house. So I run these every other week in blocks of six. And this subject came up, okay? So there was a lady in our circle who every fiber of her being was screaming at her to say no to an invitation, but she felt an obligation to say yes. So she was feeling that internal battle of being more aware of what her own desires are, and that's the first step is often, as people pleasers, we can just say yes to something without even knowing whether we want to do something or not, and then realizing that we're roped in. However, you can always go back on your decision, just to put that in there too. So becoming aware is really the first step on, on what you really want. But then when you do know what you want, and you do feel that there's an obligation, there's this internal battle that usually involves a lot of guilt, right? And guilt or shame, are not feelings that we like to sit with at all. And often, as women, we will self-abandon what we want to please someone else to fulfill that obligation. And so this episode really is for all you people pleasers and those of you who perhaps would like to step away from that a little bit more. And you may notice in the perimenopause and the menopausal years, a lot of women are less prepared to put up with shit, basically. So you'll feel... You might blame it on, "Oh, it's because I'm perimenopausal or menopausal," but usually this is a really welcome step to, to step into your sovereignty, right? To be led in your life and what you want. So let's just start with talking about what is people-pleasing. You probably know, but just so we're all on the same page. People-pleasing is the chronic habit of prioritizing other people's needs, feelings, and expectations at the expense of your own. And what I'd add there is often we think we know what other people's- needs, feelings, and expectations are, and that might be based on history. But it's quite good to question that because what I've found is as I'm accepting more and more parts of myself and working with what I truly want, and I'm accepting that in myself, people around me are really accepting of who I am as well. So often if you get a lot of pushback from something, a great example, I remember one for myself, is when I first... I g- I was gonna say when I first stopped drinking. Do I wanna put that out there that I will never, ever have a drink again? Possibly not, but at this stage in my life I'm definitely not drinking. And in the beginning it was hard to say no 'cause there'd be a lot of peer pressure and people questioning you why, or you might go, "Oh, okay," and you agree to drink because they wanted you to. But actually, as soon as you become really confident in your own decisions, people can hear that in your voice and they actually don't question you. My husband stopped drinking quite, quite a few years ago, and he rare- he doesn't get asked. People don't try and pressure him because he's very confident in his own decisions. People can feel that. So as and when you start to say no to things, if that's what your soul truly desires, if you come from a place of self-acceptance, other people are much more likely to accept that as well. So going back to people pleasing, often it looks like kindness or generosity, but it's actually typically driven by an internal need rather than just a genuine choice. So it's not really about being nice, in quotations, it's usually a learned coping mechanism or an automatic response to stress, or we could even say trauma, right? And the reason for that is there'd be maybe worries underneath the thought of saying no. So you might have fear of rejection or abandonment. So most people pleasers believe that if they stop accommodating others' needs, they're gonna be disliked, criticized, or abandoned. What I've come to realize for myself with regards to this is if someone does dislike me or criticize me or abandon me, I've realized they wasn't the right person to be in my life in the first place. So you've almost got to get comfortable with the fact that is a potential, and if it does happen, that you're comfortable with it or learning to get comfortable with it anyway. The other thing, if it's not a fear of rejection or abandonment, is it can be an avoidance of conflict, right? So people pleasers often like to keep the peace and avoid the intense anxiety that comes with disagreements or someone else's anger. However, what I will say is people pleasing can actually bring up a lot of anxiety in itself if we've said yes to things that we don't really want to do It can be linked to low self-esteem. So obviously, if you don't value your own needs, then you may be seeking external validation so you feel okay or worthy with love. So other people are saying that you're good, so you feel good, but it's not very long-lasting, right? And it is also known to be part of. The fight, flight, and freeze response? There's a fourth response which is called fawn. And in psychology, fawning is a trauma response, so similar to fight or flight, but it's where a person instinctively appeases others to create a sense of safety in an unpredictable or volatile environment. So usually it's that you're keeping yourself safe, and that will probably be rooted in childhood. So keeping yourself safe from something in childhood. It's a learned response that then goes on the automatic. And if it's not actually trauma, it can just be childhood conditioning. So it can stem from growing up with parents who their love felt conditional, okay? You had to be good, and that's the only way to get their attention or avoid punishments or get some validation from them. All right, so let's look at some common signs to know if you are a people pleaser or not. So the first one is you have a difficulty to say no. Even if you're exhausted, even if you haven't got the time, even if you really don't want to do the thing, you find it hard to say no. Another sign, and you might notice this one in others more than yourself, but is apologizing excessively. So even when things aren't your fault. The British, we love that word sorry, don't we? When I went to America last year, I noticed that if they, someone wants to get past you, say, in a supermarket or out and about, they say, "Excuse me." Whereas in England I've noticed we're more likely to say, "Oh, sorry," "Sorry, I need to get past." Like you're an inconvenience, right? Another one is that you feel responsible for other people's emotions or reactions. Also a common sign is changing your personality or opinions to match the people that you're with. So you might find that you hold your voice back, or you don't really say how you feel or share your opinion until someone else has because it brings a feeling of safety, sort of safety in numbers. And the last common sign is you're neglecting your self-care because you're over-committing to helping others. So this is for those of you who say, for example, you never have time to exercise or eat healthy or perhaps just do things that you love, maybe even just som- something as simple as getting walks in because you're running about looking after everyone else Okay. The impact of people pleasing is in the short term, yes, you do get approval, but chronic people pleasing often leads to emotional exhaustion. So you might notice in yourself or others that they're not... They're a bit checked out. They're, like, not fully present. They're not what I call is alive behind the eyes, because they might be at this event or this situation where they don't really want to be, so they're putting on these huge masks. Okay? And another impact is resentment from that. So you do this short-term approval, but that's what you gain, but you have longer term resentment because you're actually having a little bit of your own identity that's being lost. And it can damage relationships. It doesn't seem like it does in the short term, but especially if you're spending any time with anyone who's done any work on themselves, they know when something's lacking authenticity. So if you say yes to something because you feel like it's the right thing to do, but you don't really want to be there, when you turn up, like I said, you're not bringing that energy. You're not bringing that aliveness. You're not bringing that gratitude or that excitement. You're doing this checked out, this kind of going along with it, this masked version of you, not the best version of yourself. And people can feel that. They can feel that lack of authenticity. It's unlikely that in those situations you're gonna be very vulnerable or share what's really going on for you in your life. So you're creating these situations or you're saying yes to these situations where you're keeping everything very surface level, and there's nothing wrong with that. If you enjoy that and you want to be doing that, there's absolutely no judgment here. I don't... Actually, I'm getting to the the point where I'm really leaning into there's no right and there's no wrong, but what's right for you? What feels right for you? What is your soul saying yes to? So when your relationships lack authenticity or, say, you've gone to this eve- event and you can't really be authentic because you don't really wanna be there, so you're wearing this pretend mask of, "Yeah, I do wanna be here," when you don't, others can actually find you hard to trust if they feel that you're only saying what they want you to hear. Do you know when you ask maybe a friend for an opinion on a dress or an outfit or something like that, y- you wanna go to someone who you know will tell you the truth, the hard truth. If it doesn't look good, you want them to tell you, right? And we can feel when people are just going, "Yeah," but they don't really believe it. So let me tell you a little bit more about that fawn response, okay? So in psychology, fawning is considered the fourth fear response. So like I mentioned earlier, you've got fight, flight, freeze, and this one is the one that describes appeasement. So you're s- staying safe from a perceived threat, and that perceived threat might just be judgment, okay? Or disagreement. Judgment or disagreement. So the premier- the primary difference between just people pleasing and this fawn response lies in the motivation and the intensity of the feeling. Okay? So people pleasing, so like a social habit. It's like you've learnt it from society. And it feels I want them to like me," or you might feel a bit guilty or awkward or socially anxious if you say no. And usually the c- the conscious decision to say yes... And usually you are conscious of the decision to say yes, even if you gr- regret it immediately afterwards. But if it's more of a survival strategy, so more of a fawning response, which is often linked to trauma and wired to your nervous system, this develops in childhood when it wasn't safe to say what you really felt or what you really wanted. Perhaps you had an abusive or volatile parents so you learnt to merge with the needs of the parent or the more powerful person to prevent harm. And that kind of internal dialogue is, "If they don't like me, something bad might happen." Okay? Or, "I'm only safe if they are happy." The feeling, instead of just guilt, it may be like more of an alarm going off in the body, more a sense of dread or even a sense of disassociation, so like you're numbing out of your own body. And the response is so automatic, you've probably said yes before you've even had the chance to consider whether you wanted to say yes or not. It is important to recognize the difference because fawning can often require a little bit more support. So Sarah's a trauma-informed coach, she could help with this or with things like somatic therapy or therapies like EMDR, which can help your nervous system to realize it's finally safe. And there's lots of different type of therapies out there that can help. It might not be the first port of call, so you might try... I'm gonna go through some tips in a minute to start with. So you might try some of those, and if you feel like, "No, I really can't do this alone," it might be that you need that bit more support But generally, for whatever reason you're doing this automatic response of saying yes when you really wanna say no, overcoming people pleasing is a gradual process. That's what I've really found, and Sarah's really found as well. It's retraining both, both your mind and your nervous system. It's both. Because that fawning is an automatic survival reflex. So success comes from slowing down, okay? This is the number one tip, is you need to buy yourself time. So no impulsive responses. The most effective way to interrupt the automatic yes is to create a buffer. So instead of going, so have a few statements that you could have ready. You might need to practice them. Do a little bit of role play with a partner or a friend or yourself in the mirror, and you're gonna practice giving yourself space. So you could say to someone, if it's face-to-face, "Thanks for the invite. I just need to check my calendar before I get back to you." You could just simply say "Let me think about that, and I'll let you know by," Wednesday, whenever you want to say. And what I'd love to say here as well is it doesn't matter whatever you've been invited to, if your diary is free, that doesn't mean that you're obliged to go. I've certainly had this in the past what can I say if my..." If it's easy for me to say no if I'm busy, it's almost like a little bit of a cop-out because you're not practicing your you're not practicing your no, but your diary is doing it for you. So this is building up nervous system regulation and safety in your body to be able to s- to be able to say no, and to do that even if you've got an empty diary. And if and when you do say no, there needs to be no explanation given. So I've just been asked if I could help a particular company with something. I reflected on it for a little while, and then my answer was, "No, thank you." I didn't give any reasons why, and this is a new practice for me in getting comfortable with that or getting comfortable with the uncomfortable sometimes. But we don't need to give a big, long story about why we can make something or why we can't. We can just say, "No, I can't make that. Thank you for the invite." Sometimes what I do if I've wanted to decline an invitation because I feel that it's a bit, let me think of the word, a bit commercial maybe. I could use that word. And I feel like I like in alternative events, then I might say to someone, "I can't make that. But could I... I'd love to invite you out for-" I'd love to invite... i'd love to pop round to yours. Maybe we could go on a walk. Maybe we could go to the woods. Maybe I could hold a ceremony for you. Maybe we could have cacao together, or maybe I can contribute towards the event, so maybe I could send something or make something in a way that can help out. So I still feel like I'm part of it, I still feel like I'm contributing, but I don't feel like I'm having to abandon part of myself to go to, for an example a, a- an event that in- involves a lot of drinking, which is not my scene these days. So if you feel like you would like to give this a go, then you can start with the ho- the low-hanging fruit, right? You need to build your refusal muscle in a safe, small scenario where the consequences of a no are minimal. So this proves to your nervous system that you won't be abandoned if you decline. So you could start by saying no to a small invitation. For me, I could practice this, for example, with my husband first. He might me out, might invite me out on a date. In fact, he did. I'm gonna be busy doing something this weekend, and he's already asked me would I like to do something on Sunday, and I don't know if I have the capacity to, so I haven't said yes. I've said, "I don't think I'll have the capacity. Can we do something next week instead? And if that changes, then I can let you know." So you could say no to a small invitation. What are the ones that you're currently saying yes to? Perhaps it's drinks at work or perhaps it's, I don't know, helping a friend out that it feels very one-way or perhaps it's you're saying yes to a family thing that you don't really want to go to. And like I was saying earlier, people can feel that. If you're showing up with a real enthusiasm and an openness, people love to spend time with you. Otherwise, people can feel, and you can feel it in others, if people are closed, not really engaging, is that really the kind of yes that you want to be giving for them and for you? You could try declining a promotional offer at a store. Oh, I was in a restaurant yesterday, and they had a special deal on a lunch. I or- ordered my lunch, and then they said, "Would you like the deal where you get the lunch and the drink?" And I said, "I don't want any of those drinks." And they said, "But it's cheaper." I said, "I know it is, but I don't want any of those drinks, so thank you for offering, but no." Now, you might find another way around that, but that kind of thing like a three for two in a supermarket. Maybe the cashier might tell you, "Oh, you've missed an offer." You can just say, "No, thank you." How about expressing a different opinion about something minor? What about a film that's out or a food dish or something like that? You sharing your honest opinion without being attached to needing to prove your point or being attached to needing to be right. But you could just say "Oh, I see that differently," or, "My experience is..." And see if you can get into these open conversations. The next step, I've covered it, it's using simple, direct language. You do not need to overs- overexplain. You do not need to apologize excessively when you're setting a boundary otherwise it can seem like a negotiation. And sometimes if you say "Oh, I can't do that date," people will then come back with, "Oh, that's okay, we can change the date," when you didn't actually want to make it anyway. You would state your limit clearly without the story behind it. "I'm not available for that right now," or, "That doesn't work for me," or, "Thank you so much for thinking of me, I can't this time." Another piece of work that's definitely worth doing is identifying the thoughts which are behind your drive to need to say yes. That would be something like you'd get your journal out, you'd sit down, and you'd just ask yourself, "If I say no," what is the story in your mind? And you might need to dig a little bit, but you might feel like, "They hate me," or, "I'm only valuable if I'm helpful." Or, I don't know, just I should. But try and dig a little bit deeper than I should. I should because it will seem like I'm being rude. It will seem like I don't love them. It will seem like I don't value them. What is the hot thoughts that drive your need to please? And then you wanna question yourself on that. You wanna ask, "Is this true?" And your automatic answer might be yes, but again, try and dig a little bit deeper. You might ask yourself, "What is the actual evidence for this thought?" Or, "What is the worst that could happen, and can I handle it?" I also really the wor- the work of Katie Byron, and she asks four simple questions, you can look them up on the internet, around investigating thoughts. I find it really helpful. In fact, some of her content, her podcast I think she's probably on YouTube. I've read a couple of her books actually. All really worth a watch, listen or read. And the big work that's really gonna help you here is the somatic steps or AKA grounding your nervous system. Okay? So when you feel like that fawn response is kicking in, which might feel like a racing heart or this urge to appease, your body thinks that it's in danger, and it's for you to signal safety so you can think clearly. So again, the best thing is the pause, right? Can you step away, even if it's briefly? I just need to use the bathroom, or I just need to check my calendar, I'll be back in a minute. You need a moment to take a breath. In fact, I read a book and it was written by a lawyer, and he said your breath should be your first word." Because you are much l- less likely to defend yourself or get stressed, move into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, and you're more easily able to regulate yourself, and this does take practice. There's some other techniques that you can use. There's one called the 54321 technique, if you ever heard of that one. And what you can do is when you're in a room, you name five things that you can see. What this technique really does is it brings you back into the present moment rather than being in your head in the stories. So you name five things that you can see. So where I'm sat here, I can see, my laptop, a microphone, some books another computer screen, a drum kit actually. So I'm just gonna lay worm in my head. And then four things that you can feel. So I can feel my cardigan on me, I can feel my socks over my toes, I can feel my chair underneath my bottom, and I can feel my, my trousers around my waist. Three things that I can hear. So I can hear my own voice, I can hear the traffic outside, and occasionally I can hear my phone buzzing or maybe I could hear my husband or my dog downstairs, for example. Two things that you can smell. I put some Agva on my hands earlier, so you might be able to smell some perfume or, a cleansing tool that you've just used, and I blew out a candle earlier, and I can still smell that as well. And then one thing that you can taste, and I've recently had some lemon water, so I can taste a little bit of lemon in my mouth. And it doesn't matter if you can't find, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 things. The fact that you're just pausing and doing a few of those is bringing you back into the present moment. Another technique orienting yourself is simply just to look around the room. You could look for three circular objects or one beautiful thing. So you're bringing yourself back into the present moment out of the mind Some other techniques that I really is simply, you can do it with me now, maybe not if you're driving. If you're doing anything other than driving, but just giving yourself a hug. So putting your hands around your arms there and just stroking your arms. Or you can bring, cross your hands across your chest, and it's called a butterfly tap. You tap your hands onto your chest, and that really helps to regulate you. So there's lots of techniques that you can use. It's to really, first of all, be the observer of your own experience. So you want- when someone asks you a question, you want to take the pause, and you might need to practice a few responses. I'll let you know." Then you want to, if you can, be the observer of your own thoughts. So your body will have an instant yes or no to this invitation. And before your mind's getting involved or if you take that pause, can you tune into what your body wants? And then have you got enough self-love, self-acceptance, self-respect to value yourself and say no if you do not want to go to that event? And whatever way you do that, without too much explanation, there will be discomfort. I've been through this. I go through this. But expect to feel guilty or expect to feel anxious. This isn't a sign that you've done anything wrong. It's just the feeling of breaking an old habit. So some of those nervous system grounding things that I just mentioned, when you give your no, allow yourself to sit there, feel that, the feelings which are coming up, which might be that guilt or anxiousness or whatever the feelings are, and then maybe connect to the breath or do the butterfly tap or give yourself a cuddle and know that it's okay. And remember, if people start to fall away, maybe they were not the right people for you anyway. So are you willing to choose short-term discomfort, the discomfort of saying no, over the long-term resentment? So the long-term resentment of saying yes when you did not want to say yes. And I'd just like to add here as we're getting towards the end of this week's episode is when you say yes to something, you're saying no to something else. So say you say yes to an event on a Saturday night when you didn't want to, you might be saying no to an early night. Perhaps that's something that you needed. You might be saying no to home cooking and nourishing your body. You might say, b- simply be saying no to curling up on the sofa and maybe you've got some guilt around that, but perhaps that's what you needed on that Saturday night. Now, for anyone who's getting to the end of this who's feeling like they really don't resonate with this, they're not a people pleaser and they have no problem saying no, maybe you're the other way around. It's not the same for everyone. Some people will automatically say no to things and not take risks to be open to trying new things in life. Sometimes when we say no thing, to things automatically, we're actually playing it a bit small or we're trying to stay safe, and y- your challenge might be to say yes to more things. Have you ever seen that movie? Is the movie called, is it called Yes Man? Or it's called Maybe the movie's called Yes. But this guy has to basically say yes to everything. And as those invitations are coming into you, perhaps from the universe, they might be exciting things that are gonna help, your life and your progress. So it's for you to d- discern whether you're challenging yourself by wanting to say yes to m- more things, or perhaps your medicine that you need most right now certainly has been, as I said, for me and Sarah, is to say no to the things that we don't want to and then yes to the things that we do want. So that might be that you want time to go on more walks at the weekend, or time to hang out with some family or friends that you don't get to see very often. Or perhaps you're learning to spend more time alone, and every time you say yes to something else, you're saying no to time by yourself and really getting to know the deep- deepest version of you without all of the conditioning. So I'd love to hear from you. Give me any feedback, right? Whenever you said yes to something and you really wish that you didn't, send me a Instagram message. We're @holistichealthcollectiveuk, or you can drop us an email, hello@holistichealthcollective.co.uk. And I'd love to hear your stories. Or perhaps you said no, you felt the discomfort, and everything was fine. That's been my ex- that's been my experience recently. When I've said no to things, it's been 100% fine, but I had to get okay with it in the first place. So giving you permission to say no to the things that you really want to say no to, so you can say yes to the things that you really want to say yes to and that you've got the time to. So right at the beginning of this episode, I mentioned women's circles. It's something that I've been running for many years now. We've been doing it for six years as part of the Holistic Health Collective in our online membership called The Healing Portal, and you can join us in moon ceremonies twice a month. All the information's on our website. Or if you prefer things in person- I'm not too far from Maidstone in Kent, and I run my events around this area. And Sarah's not too far from Margate in Kent, and she runs events in her area too, where we run women's circles. I also run singing circles, and we run dance events, and Sarah runs yoga events down by Margate as well. So just visit our website, www.holistichealthcollective.co.uk, or just drop us an email with what you're interested in. Not everything's on our website. Some things are a little bit more on the low down and you need to message us to find out about those things. But we'd love to welcome you if you feel like you're ready to slow down, to learn some nervous system regulation techniques, to come to some community events, to get to know yourself at a deeper level. We would love to welcome you. Thank you so much for joining me on this week's podcast, and we will be back next week with a moon update. All right. Lots of love Thank you a million times over for joining us on this podcast episode. You can support the show by giving us a follow on any podcast platform you're listening to this on. If you already follow us, then thank you so much, and maybe share this episode if you think of someone, if someone comes to mind where you think they'd really benefit from listening to this. This is one way that we like to spread the love with our friends, is sharing podcasts or playlists to let them know that we're thinking about them. So just send it on to them with a few words about why they might enjoy it. And if you'd like to check out any of our in-person events or retreats or our online offerings, head over to our website, www.holistichealthcollective.co.uk. We'll see you on the next episode.