Instant Experts - S2 Ep 60 - "BIBI COME BACK!" TRUMP'S WORST WEEK EVER! (Since Last Week, and the Future)

Video version here!: https://youtu.be/Avo7WntdLQk

It's chaos aplenty this week, as the world’s Crooks, F*ckwits and Morons redouble their efforts!:

1. Trump headlines his “America 250” concert after Gary Glitter, Rolf Harris and Roman Polanski pull out citing ethics concerns 
2. Court orders JFK’s head replace Trump’s on both sides of new commemorative $250 bill
3. Aussie radio exec grabs presenter’s ass with a hunger not seen since our days on The Whaleship Essex; and
4. Vice Prostate BJ Vance loses bowel control at White House meet in preparation for 2028 Presidential run

Grab the remote and enjoy the greatest hits of Linda Evansyahu, Bret Michaels, Young (at heart) MC plus the solo debut of Millo Vanillo, as we review who did what, to whom, in which exotic location: 

• Trump's “1776 Fund” dies an ugly death as Senate Republicans rise from the undead to kill it, Mitch McConnell presiding
• Newly free Kilmar Abrego Garcia plans first holiday: "I can't decide between Robben Island, St Helena and Alcatraz!"
• Jeff Bezos blows payload as his rocket explodes prematurely: "I couldn't warn the Caribbean Seamen!"
• US National Intelligence Director Bill Pulte rejects qualification critics: "F..k off, I went to Scots College!"
• I Once Met A Girl from Nantucket to hit big screen, OnlyFans - the moving love story of Donald Trump Jr. and Bettina WhoGivesAShitovich
• Russia protests Ukraine bombing of St Petersburg: "They ruined Putin's visit to Davo's!" 

It’s another bumper episode of Instant Experts, in which we explore the c*nts of the world, the C*nts of the Week and the exciting world of fooooooooootttballlll:

• Our plucky Wests Tigers, with their $3 salary cap, lose NRL Rd 14 to Penrith Saint-Germain, a narrow 78-0. Can Qatar please buy us immediately?
• English football hooligans hail North America ‘26 their best chance since ‘66 to glass the Scotsmen, stab the Mexicans, shiv the Brazilians. If only they can bomb the Croatians, shoot the Ghanaians, and drown the Panamanians first! 
• And Henry needs a double Costco tequila shot to get through Honk’s morbidly grim C*nt of the Week 

In the comedy podcast with all the latest news, explained by idiots - The Honk & Henry Lee (UK Police delayed making sure Jack The Ripper's hands not too sore from stabbing all those homeless Whitechapel prostitutes) 

Say hi to us by email at: gday@instantexperts.com.au 

Or be heard everywhere from Baden to Wurttemburg with a voicemail to play on the show, right from our home page: www.instantexperts.com.au 

All complaints to: tulsi@dgafnomo.gov.ru

Audio episode produced, mixed and compiled by Junior

Video designed, assembled and edited by Guantanamo Babe

Digital design and social media also by Guantanamo Babe 

Episode edited by Honk, with assistance from Halle Berry & Colonel Angus. Special thanks to Roger Maianus for the last-minute supply of his huge clock for timing purposes  

For Newcastle 2HD radio boss grabbing on air talent's butt: https://www.news.com.au/entertainment/tv/radio/aussie-radio-boss-stood-down-after-allegedly-groping-employee-at-awards-night-in-sydney/news-story/b6c1945d3726e0668b5a1bee09d7c734?amp

For Florida woman's Costco tequila shots + accompanying social media comments: https://www.instagram.com/p/DY7kW11MOQG/?igsh=NXh4dmJ6YnhmNnho

For Germany's Hotel Zum Hirschen being Nazi c**ts: https://www.instagr am.com/p/DZHm05ZoD7I/

For Sterling Nasa being a legend at Sydney 'La La Land' live concert/screening: https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2026/jun/01/audience-member-replaces-ill-keyboardist-sydney-la-land-justin-hurwitz

Instant Experts proudly audited by KPMG Australia. Our books can be found on the Dark Web between PwC’s tax advice and The Trump Family’s tax returns. Call them for all your confidential financial needs, unless you’re 8 in which case call Don Jr’s wife’s Dad and ask for Jeffrey

When visiting Nazi Germany, Honk & Henry stay exclusively at Hotel Zum Hirschen

When stuck overnight at Maroochydore Airport, Honk & Henry have booked exclusively with Jetstar

Don't miss 'Aussie' Jon Ossoff v Donaldhmed Ali for the WBC Nappyweight Championship live at 'America 250'!  (BJ 'Depends' Vance v 'Huggies' Pete Heggo on undercard)

Watch or Listen anywhere! https://linktr.ee/instantexpertspodcast

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Transcript

SPEAKER_07 0:07

This week on Instant Experts, Trump has a shocker, even by his standards. Every week a new low. The West Tigers have a win, and we were there to see it.

SPEAKER_08 0:19

You only watched when you knew we'd won.

SPEAKER_07 0:22

It's true. And it's quick shots, but in Costco in our cunts of the week. It's like cunts Cluedo. Welcome back to Instant Experts, episode 60, first week of Winter Edition. It's all the latest news explained by idiots, here to keep you sane in a crazy world. I'm Henry Lee, and as always, I'm here with my dear friend, the Honk. Honky, welcome.

SPEAKER_08 0:47

Henry, my dear dear fellow, it is even this week a pleasure to be here and to see your smiling face.

SPEAKER_07 0:53

Where are you watching from this week, my friend?

SPEAKER_08 0:55

Well, I'm hiding out in my own little instant expert's bunker in Sydney. You know, we always joke this is a show about crooks, fuckwits, and morons, but uh this week they finally got to me. The world is just it's just too depressing. Let me give you an example. Yesterday I was pretending to exercise in Centennial Park here in Sydney.

SPEAKER_07 1:11

You're exercising. Things are diaholics.

SPEAKER_08 1:13

Pretending, pretending. Let's not let's not go crazy. So pretending to exercise Centennial Park in Sydney, and I see a park staff guy walking the wrong way down the cyclist track using a leaf blower in Centennial Park. The whole fucking park is leaves, and that is how I feel this week.

SPEAKER_07 1:28

So at the risk of triggering you again, what horror show caught your eye this week?

SPEAKER_08 1:35

It's worse than that. A horror show caught my ass and yours. I'm talking about this scandal from last week's Australian Audio Award. Sorry, the other scandal, on top of the one where we were robbed in our category. I don't know if we mentioned that.

SPEAKER_07 1:50

Yeah, we might have.

SPEAKER_08 1:51

So the other scandal is the boss of the Newcastle radio station 2 HD, a guy called Guy Ashford, has been stood down after a presenter on his station, a woman named Sherilyn Darcy, won the award for best radio newcomer. Ashford rushes the stage. I don't think he was giving an award, picks her up, and slaps his hand all over her butt. Listeners, we'll post the image to our show notes.

SPEAKER_07 2:14

It was dead set 1987 up there. An ass grab and a half. In fact, I thought it was a long weekend. I thought it was double ass grab and a half. It was, I mean, I literally thought either they're married or this guy is in deep shit. The ferocity of that ass grab pretty much wasn't deep shit.

SPEAKER_08 2:31

Thank God they didn't serve any curry puffs in the canapes. My only solace this week is that it was quite possibly the single worst seven days of Donald Trump's presidency, either of them. Wow. Low praise indeed. The vice prostate BJ Vance arrived for a speech in the White House this week, and right away you could sense his deep anxiety.

SPEAKER_07 3:02

What happened? Was he asked for his opinion on how things are going? That almighty fart was picked up in the hallway before he even entered the room. We played one of Heger, the Secretary of Defense, Pete Heggs at Letting One Rip on Stage in episode 53 a few weeks back. This one, I have to say, is even more impressive. Luckily, the Trump administration doesn't recognize the UN, otherwise, they'd be accused of using chemical weapons on their own people.

SPEAKER_08 3:25

You would think Vance of all people. The guy served in Iraq. Shouldn't he know better? This administration, though, you mentioned Heger now, Vance. It's like the flatulence equivalent of that classic 1970s heavyweight boxing era. You know, you've got Foreman, Fraser, Ken Norton.

SPEAKER_07 3:39

They all furiously try to fart their way to a title shot. Title shot. Okay, it's the undisputed mappyweight champion of the world, Donald Med Ali.

SPEAKER_08 3:51

That's just clay, if you really wanted to annoy him.

SPEAKER_07 3:54

Now, Hocky said it's been Trump's worst week. Where do you want to start?

SPEAKER_08 3:57

Let's start with a fun one, perhaps. Earlier in the week, Trump's name was ordered off the Kennedy Center, so the tradies literally have to get up on the ladder and prize it off. In fact, there's video of exactly that.

SPEAKER_07 4:09

What happened?

SPEAKER_08 4:10

So a court found that a decision to change the name of the Kennedy Centre, which was built as a living memorial to the late President John F. Kennedy, could only be made by Congress, which established that living memorial.

SPEAKER_07 4:21

Trumpy won't like that one, honky. He loves nothing more than putting his name on things.

SPEAKER_08 4:26

It's not like he earned it like JFK didn't. Poor Bastard got shot in the head.

SPEAKER_07 4:30

Hey, I'm with you. RFK got shot in the head too, and he got nothing except an anti-vax nut job son.

SPEAKER_08 4:37

Who is a living memorial to selling out, turned from Democrat to independent to Republican as soon as they offered him a job, right?

SPEAKER_07 4:44

Yeah, spot on. What else, Honky?

SPEAKER_08 4:46

You'll enjoy this. The 1776 fund is officially dead. That was the $1.776 billion slush fund Trump created by suing the US government as a citizen. This one stunk so badly. The genuine presidential bowel explosion, even the Republicans objected.

SPEAKER_06 5:00

Oh dear God, Honk, they're alive. Where have they been for the last 15 months?

SPEAKER_08 5:06

The Republican senators are so alive they left town. That's what happened. Rather than authorise the funds, they left Washington before the vote could be held and refused to vote. And they also held back, quote, security funding for the White House unless that slush fund was binned. And that's a very sensitive topic for Trump, given that A, that's basically his ballroom funding. They're building a massive bunker with all the trimmings underneath the White House, putting the ballroom on top. Yeah. And B, cutting his security funding is a huge concern, also, because everyone's trying to fucking shoot him the whole time. And for good reason. So is that it?

SPEAKER_07 5:37

Is that all Trump's fuck-ups for the week?

SPEAKER_08 5:38

He's just getting started, mate. Next up is Trump's 250 concert event. That's the one that's supposed to celebrate 250 years since the US declared independence, but which is now effectively cancelled after virtually all the invited musical guests dropped out, including Poison's Brett Michaels, the Prince sideband Morris Day and the Time, Young MC, Buff to move. The Miming Scandal duo Milly Vanilli were meant to perform. One of them is dead. I think vanilla ice dropped out too. You know how many more blowjobs? Vanilla Ice is gonna have to give a train station toilet now to cover the fee. That's how much he hates Trump.

SPEAKER_07 6:15

Surely that would be Milly Vanilli honk if their finest work was done, open mouthed in silence.

SPEAKER_08 6:22

Brett Michaels, I think, also did some fine work on a sex tape at one point, didn't he? Might have been Pamela Anderson's first effort.

SPEAKER_07 6:28

I wouldn't know anything about that, honky. I really did think that video cassette was wildlife at the Amazon. Your Honor.

SPEAKER_08 6:33

Trump, of course, has tried, as he always does, to put on a brave face. He's announced himself as the headline act for this concert. Since he's also trying to put his face on a special commemorative $250 bill, despite we've covered this before too, it being against US federal law for a living person to be on any US currency.

SPEAKER_07 6:51

Yeah, that's just crazy. I mean, a $3 bill I could believe, hunky. Such a shank that would be entirely appropriate.

SPEAKER_08 6:58

That is not all. Peace talks with Iran appear now to be suspended. And Trump's claiming he got bored and called them off because they were taking too long. Meanwhile, Iran says it has. Meanwhile, Iran says it has ceased all negotiation with the US, which it pretty clearly has. And instead, just a few days ago, it struck Kuwait Airport where it killed one tourist and it injured 60 odd people. Except all that catastrophe is nothing. We've talked before about how the Iran War is basically like one long season of the classic soap opera dynasty, except with serious real-world implications.

SPEAKER_07 7:31

Yeah, I don't remember Joan Collins and John Forsyth fighting over the Strait of Hormuz. Blonde and Brunette Honk, the US and Israel, ice and fire, all fighting for the love of one man, the iatolic character.

SPEAKER_08 7:52

So what's happening? There was a huge bust-up this week between US President Trump and the Israeli PM BB Netanyahu because Israel kept bombing southern Lebanon while Trump is trying to have peace talks with Iran. And don't forget Iran fund Hezbollah, who Israel is fighting against in Southern Lebanon.

SPEAKER_07 8:08

Yes, but the complication is that Iran said peace in Lebanon is part of the deal. I mean, we don't have anything to do with Southern Lebanon, obviously, but you need to stop bombing our guys there that we're funding.

SPEAKER_08 8:17

Absolutely right. So the sources say that on this call, Trump was screaming at Bibi, including phrases like, what the fuck are you doing?

SPEAKER_07 8:25

To be fair, Bibi might have asked Trump the same question, Honky. Because that's not clear.

SPEAKER_08 8:30

Trump apparently went on to say, if it wasn't for me, you'd be in prison. Again, Honky, are you sure Trump said that to Netanyahu? Not the other way around. It's just not clear, is it? I mean, one of them said it to the other, that's all we know. And in both cases, the statement would be justified.

SPEAKER_07 8:47

It sort of feels like Jones put on a blonde wig and Linda's put on a brunette one, and now they've tumbled into the pool and no one knows who's who.

SPEAKER_08 8:54

Not just tumbled into the pool, they're tumbling into the pool off the top of a balcony through the chandelier into the pool. It's turned into a giant wet t-shirt competition, and everyone is hoping they start making out at the end.

SPEAKER_07 9:07

Indeed. Well, in that vein, Israel did call off the strikes on Lebanon after Trump's phone call, uh, if that's what you're driving at.

SPEAKER_08 9:16

So yes, except there was a ceasefire. I actually saw this on a news site, the summary by time. It said Israel and Lebanon agree to ceasefire 9 31, 1146. He's balah, Bob's Israel, Israel, Bob's Hezbollah. Anyway, I myself still hoping for a dynasty themed adult movie with a let me put it delicately, with a sapphic theme. But if I have to settle for peace in the Middle East, it'll have to do.

SPEAKER_07 9:39

Linda and Joan, God bless them. Okay, Honk. Uh great opening salvo. Now it's time for shout-outs to listeners. My favorite part of the show, and we have loyal listeners all over Australia, of course, and around the world. Regulars in places like Nairobi and Kenya, who've been with us from the start, but a big audience there this week, even more than usual. Dublin and Ireland, ancestral home of the Lee family, of course. The O Lee, surely.

SPEAKER_08 10:04

You're not secretly English and not telling us, are you?

SPEAKER_07 10:07

My great-grandfather's house was burnt down by the IRA. Okay, but don't jump to conclusions.

SPEAKER_08 10:12

I wouldn't dare. Not within 20 feet of my car.

SPEAKER_07 10:17

And singing in Baden-Wurtemberg in the southwest of Germany. For some reason, Honk, we're very big in Baden-Wurtemberg.

SPEAKER_08 10:25

We are bigger than the Black Forest, Mercedes, Porsche, Heidelberg Castle, and the source of the Danube combined.

SPEAKER_07 10:31

Oh great features of Baden-Wuttenberg, of course. But Honki, new locations, many and varied, include Marseille in Bouche-du-Rhône. We like to test our French every week on the show, don't we, Honk? How was that?

SPEAKER_08 10:44

Uh Pigeon French, I think you mean.

SPEAKER_07 10:46

Isn't it Pigeon? Merci, merci beaucoup, Honky. We've got Scandichi in the province of Florence. I think you mean the Provence of Florence. And finally, Nantucket, right there off Cape Cod in Massachusetts, one island east of Martha's Vineyard, playground of the rich and famous. And home, of course, honky of Captain Ahab and the good ship Pequod in Moby Dick.

SPEAKER_08 11:13

I once knew a girl from Nantucket. Probably not one for the show.

SPEAKER_07 11:17

Yeah, indeed, there once was a girl from Nantucket.

SPEAKER_08 11:20

But it's also home of the real whale ship Essex, on which the Pequod, the ship in Moby Dick, was based, right?

SPEAKER_07 11:26

Whose name rhymed with Massachusetts.

SPEAKER_08 11:30

I was trying to be subtle, all right? You never know, she might still be there. The Essex, of course, was sunk by a sperm whale, which I think they were trying to hunt in 1799, I think it was. The only problem was these guys were 2,000 nautical miles from land.

SPEAKER_07 11:44

Yes, I read that book, The Wreck of the Whale Ship Essex, on your recommendation many years ago. Just remind me what happened.

SPEAKER_08 11:50

It's a really pretty terrifying story. So the SX, as I recall, was the main ship. When it was wrecked, the 20-man crew was forced to make maybe Dick, wasn't it?

SPEAKER_07 11:58

Basically.

SPEAKER_08 11:59

Wrecked by the angry sperm whale, which they were trying to kill. Which Melville based the book on.

SPEAKER_07 12:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 12:04

Which Melville based the book on. So when the SX was wrecked, the 20-man crew are forced to make land, I think, in three whale boats with the food and water they could salvage, which was not much, ships going down. After a month at sea, they landed on Henderson Island, which is in the Pitcairn archipelago, but which makes Pitcairn look like fucking New York City.

SPEAKER_07 12:21

Yeah, the mutiny of the bounty was about 10 years earlier, so Pitcairn was inhabited by then, I think.

SPEAKER_08 12:25

Yes, the inbreeding had begun. And it's continued.

SPEAKER_07 12:28

It ears.

SPEAKER_08 12:29

Yeah, anyway, three men from the Essex elected to stay on Henderson Island, from which they were rescued, I think, in April 1821. But the remaining 17 guys decided to set off again for the coast of South America.

SPEAKER_07 12:40

I've got a bad feeling about this, Honky. That's a very long way.

SPEAKER_08 12:43

Yeah, the men suffered severe dehydration, starvation, and exposure on the open ocean, of course, and the survivors eventually resorted to cannibalism. By the time they're rescued in February 1821, three months after the sinking of Essex, only five of the 17 are alive.

SPEAKER_07 12:58

But the other the other 12 were delicious. Delicious. I just realized our timeline took about 22 years. I must have got a year wrong there. But anyway, it's a cannibalism on the high seas, a great story. And honky, we had lots of messages from listeners. Last show we covered Trump not turning up to Donald Trump Jr.'s his own son's wedding to Bettina who gives a shitovic, who whom we also sledge for being described as, quote, a model slash socialite slash philanthropist, unquote, and inferred that she must have had a rich daddy. Well we did, and she does. Yes, because show regular Lady Rebecca from Centennial Park pointed out that Bettina, who gives a shitovich's daddy, was also, wait for it, Jeffrey Epstein's banker.

SPEAKER_08 13:44

No way.

SPEAKER_07 13:46

No way. He was that his personal banker.

SPEAKER_08 13:50

Fuck. So that finally explains why Trump senior didn't go to the wedding, right? He'd have to sit at the parents' table and be told, hey man, it's good to see you again. And yeah, and yeah, and your face for the first time.

SPEAKER_07 14:01

Yeah. How are the kids? No, not those ones. Your kids.

SPEAKER_08 14:06

I've got a couple as well. The ginger ninja wrote back to us saying that you're still wrong, Henry, on bonds. And then you wrote back to me saying you're still right. So I think we might just call that one a draw.

SPEAKER_07 14:15

Hey, Honk, I thought I was wrong once, but I was wrong.

SPEAKER_08 14:19

Big thanks also to another regular listener, Chainsaw Pete from Newcastle, for his feedback on our unprompted Liberal versus Labour battle royale top of last week's show. He wrote a quote, love today's episode. The part where the two of you disagreed over Labour slash the budget was brilliant. When you two disagree, our dingbat listeners get to have our own half-baked opinions represented by at least one of you.

SPEAKER_07 14:40

I object there, Honky. My opinions are fully baked, Chainsaw. Can I call you Chainsaw? We're only half baked because Honk's opinions are red raw.

SPEAKER_08 14:49

Henry drowning in a pool of humility over there. I'm throwing him an anvil.

SPEAKER_07 14:54

Okay, last one, Honky. And my sister, sister Lee, has suggested we start a new advice segment working title Ask the Experts.

SPEAKER_08 15:04

Other working title, bad ideas.

SPEAKER_07 15:07

And she writes, question Is it bad form to have laughed out loud at Jeff Bezos's rocket blowing up on the tarmac? Am I a bad person or can I enjoy my Schadenfreude in peace? Hulk, what say you?

SPEAKER_08 15:20

We had a very good laugh last year, didn't we, about Elon Musk's rocket blowing up, so I don't see how this is any different.

SPEAKER_07 15:25

Yeah, that was the one that took off over the Gulf of Mexico and blew up over the Caribbean Sea. We covered it in, I reckon, episode seven.

SPEAKER_08 15:32

Yes, uh I think it rained debris all over the Caribbean seamen, didn't it?

SPEAKER_07 15:37

Whose rocket was bigger before it exploded?

SPEAKER_08 15:40

Musk's or Bezos's? I don't know, but I feel like the the Caribbean rocket was bigger than both of them.

SPEAKER_07 15:46

Okay, well we'll leave that there, but I wholeheartedly agree. Have a laugh at this one and move on.

SPEAKER_08 15:51

Yeah, sometimes the Caribbean semen rains down on the debris. Did you know that?

SPEAKER_07 15:55

I might have seen that movie. Was Brett Michaels also in it?

SPEAKER_08 15:59

There's one based on the Wellship Essex where the crew has to eat the Caribbean semen.

SPEAKER_07 16:08

Good lord. Okay. Okay, time for quick shots.

SPEAKER_08 16:12

Yes, yes, a couple more of the world's crooks. Yes, a couple more of the world's crooks fucking. We killed Henry. Yes, a couple more of the world crooks fuck with some morons before, thank God we move on.

SPEAKER_07 16:24

Do some Australian crooks fuck with some morons, hopefully.

SPEAKER_08 16:26

That's what I meant. Yeah, yeah. So in the past fortnight, um Tulsi Gabbard resigned. Now she was Trump's director of national intelligence.

SPEAKER_07 16:34

Yeah, we use that term loosely. Uh resigned and intelligent.

SPEAKER_08 16:37

Yes, indeed. A combat veteran she was and former Democrat congresswoman from Hawaii switched teams when she saw a chance to get a rails run with Trump. She did very little useful in office, I think you'd say. But in fairness, she was opposed to Trump's expansion of foreign policy, Iran, Venezuela, etc., and she ended up getting sidelined for it.

SPEAKER_07 16:54

She did, but she was also widely regarded, Honka, as being pro-Russia. And she was certainly often quoted on Russian state TV. And in fact, at one stage referred to Russia's legitimate security concerns in relation to Ukraine.

SPEAKER_08 17:06

Yeah, I am concerned they will intercept my fist with their face.

unknown 17:10

Indeed.

SPEAKER_07 17:11

Now I'm not sure if uh Tulsa Gaubard ever quite reached friend of the show status in the same way as Christy Noam or our Pam Pam Bondite. She was probably not quite as appalling, right? No, in a in a kind of a midgets high jump kind of way.

SPEAKER_08 17:25

But she is gone all the same. This one was apparently legit. Her husband has a rare form of bone cancer.

SPEAKER_07 17:30

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's not good.

SPEAKER_08 17:32

Probably also not good that of the four cabinet members who've been boned or quit, our Pam, Christy Noam, Dodgy Labour, Cherry, Laurie Shovers, Derema, and now Tulsi Gabbard, all four of those, of course, are women.

SPEAKER_07 17:42

No, Honk, but in fairness to Trump, the women he hired have been a bunch of crooks, fuckwits, and morons, equally to the men. So it has been equal opportunity in that regard.

SPEAKER_08 17:51

And the blokes mostly aren't smart enough to realize they're doing a shit-ass job, right? I'm thinking of Heggo, Pete Heggseth, of course, but you could throw a few others in there as well.

SPEAKER_07 17:58

Yeah, indeed, whatever happened to Scott Besant, Honky, Trump's Treasury Secretary, is he still alive? I mean, with inflation rampant and Trump's tariffs ruled illegal. You'd hope that Besson is now eating dung from a dumpster somewhere on the Potomac, wouldn't you?

SPEAKER_08 18:12

Funny you should ask. Trump has announced his replacement for Tulsi Gabbard as director of national intelligence, and this new guy definitely has none. He also has no experience in actual national intelligence either, which is a legal requirement for the job. So quite how this works is unclear. So he is Trump's getting this 38-year-old federal housing finance agency head, a guy called Bill Poulty, who's qualified in the usual way.

SPEAKER_07 18:35

He's a rich fuck and he's a massive donor to Trump.

SPEAKER_08 18:38

Yeah, and he's aced his current job, which apparently he's proposing also to keep the Federal Housing Agency job on top of his director of national intelligence role if he gets that. So he has used his housing role so far. One, to improperly access New York Attorney General Letitia James' mortgage records to bring charges against her in revenge for her successfully bringing fraud charges in New York against Donald Trump. The charges that were brought against Letitia James failed. He also fired his own department's internal ethics watchdogs for going after Trump allies.

SPEAKER_07 19:10

Nothing to see here like firing the ethics watchdog. But even by Trump standards, Poulty is unusually appalling. Poulty's money comes in the usual way from his family's fortune. They build homes across the US, but the family hates him so much they boned him from the board in 2020. You haven't spoken to him in six years. So he needed a job and went to Trump.

SPEAKER_08 19:31

Now that brings us back, you asked, to Scott Bessant, who this week, Secretary of the Treasury, faced this question in the Senate from North Carolina Republican Senator Tom Tillis. Scott Bessant then tried to worm his way out of this answer in the same hearing, but here was Scott Bessent's own ringing endorsement of Trump's new Director of National Intelligence, Bill Poulty.

SPEAKER_02 19:51

I do have one awkward question to ask you, real quick, and then I want to get to some of the trends and how you're going to work on them. Did you actually tell Poulty you were going to punch him in the face? No, sir. I actually said it was going to kick his ass. Good. Okay. Good. I share the emotion.

SPEAKER_07 20:10

But of course, he is spot on. Now, Hulk, we did mention Tulsi Gabbard, so close to the Kremlin, she earned the nickname Russia's girlfriend. But let's home in on the actual Russian war with Ukraine. Russia has been ramping up its air attacks in recent months. This week that included zircon missiles that are at most ever used in one attack, powerful enough to destroy aircraft carriers. And none were intercepted because they're almost impossible to shoot down. Result 23 Ukrainians dead, 151 injured. Civilians, of course.

SPEAKER_08 20:44

And the reason they're doing it, Russia, is because they're losing, right? 35,000 Russians, I saw, were killed or wounded in the month of April. Ukraine that month also took back more land than Russia did. And that was the first time that ever happened.

SPEAKER_07 20:56

Yeah, they're well on top on 60% of those casualties are deaths, which is extraordinary. And in fact, on Wednesday this week, Ukraine undertook massive strikes on St. Petersburg, just hours before the St. Petersburg International Economic Forum was to start, which is basically Putin's version of Davos, where Putin himself was due to speak.

SPEAKER_08 21:16

By the way, stooges from about a hundred countries, including the United States, are at that conference. I don't know if you know, including such great international economic minds as the far right Jew hating nutbag influencer Candace Owens and the Manosphere sex trafficker Andrew Tate.

SPEAKER_07 21:29

I'm not sure if it's stooges from a hundred countries or a hundred cunts from various stoogeries. The good news is the US has finally come to the rescue, Hokie. Well of Ukraine? No, of Putin. Oh, thank God. Thank God, yeah. They're mate. As we've said before, the US has lifted sanctions on Russian oil, which coupled with the oil price spike in Iran, where Russia is reminder, helping the Iranians attack American positions. That lifting of sanctions and the high oil price is pumping a billion dollars a day into Putin's coffers. I mean, it's absolutely Absolutely nuts, what the US is doing.

SPEAKER_08 22:01

That's just staggering, isn't it? The only bright spot here is that also Wednesday this week, Republicans and an independent in the US House of Reps crossed the floor to support a bill imposing new sanctions on Russia and increasing aid to Ukraine. That still has to get through the Senate and pass Trump. But it's a clear sign of standing up to Trump and his shameless support of Russia for who knows exactly what reasons that, if said out loud, might get us so circon misholding the butt, too.

SPEAKER_07 22:27

Yeah, indeed. Well, the world sucks, honky. It's time to reward listeners and viewers with some lighter fare.

SPEAKER_08 22:34

Yes, your beloved Henry's beloved supports section is incoming. But first, entertainment. We don't do it often, but movie star Halle Berry was on the NBC Today show this week, and she took the opportunity to remind us all of the huge importance of really good diction.

SPEAKER_05 22:47

Do we have time for one more? One more, one more. Biggest ick. Biggest ick. It sounded like the word biggest with the word. That's enough. I said he's not. Yes, I did. Yes, I did.

SPEAKER_07 23:35

Tell you one thing, Hog. It's a good day to be van, whoever he is.

SPEAKER_08 23:41

And if he's not, mate, I'd bothering right now. Don't want to juic it, but it's looking good.

SPEAKER_07 23:46

I'm sure he has a very nice personality as well.

SPEAKER_08 23:49

Yeah, great personality.

SPEAKER_07 23:50

Okay, Hogg, time for sport. And I'm pleased to report that the West Tigers, our beloved shit house football team, had a win.

SPEAKER_08 23:58

Now, did you watch it?

SPEAKER_07 23:59

Well, I did, honky, but it was, I've got to tell you, a little bit of a circuitous tale. No, no, you watching a West Tigers camp. Circuitous, I can't believe it. Please go on, go on, please. Firstly, I was on a plane when the game started. Yeah. So that was a problem. Then I accidentally saw the score and saw that we were up 10-0 when I was checking to see the kickoff time.

SPEAKER_08 24:16

A real Tigers fan would have known the kickoff time, but go on, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 24:19

Yeah. So then on landing, I get a text from you that says, quote, FFS, for fuck's sake, more torture this game. Which of course Honk breaks every known protocol of men texting each other during sports matches, including ones we uh have agreed directly, which of course is to check if the other person is watching before dishing out spoilers.

SPEAKER_08 24:40

Once again, a real targets fan would have been watching live like I was.

SPEAKER_07 24:44

Anyway, I foolishly assumed you know what you're talking about. So to save myself the pain of a fourth loss in a row, I checked the score before watching. I saw that we won and had a very relaxing and enjoyable couple of hours. I even misremembered the final score, Honk, so the ending was still a surprise. But this week, Honk, we are playing the team that's won four of the last five premierships, the mighty Penrith Panthers. We have no chance. I agree, and I will definitely check the score before watching.

SPEAKER_08 25:10

By the way, my text to you, for fuck's sake, more torture this game, is not a result giveaway.

SPEAKER_07 25:15

It was a spoiler honky for sure.

SPEAKER_08 25:17

For fuck's sake, more torture this game means the game is ongoing. Quote, did you watch the Tigers with the reply no, but someone just told me we won. Full stop. I didn't give the result away, did I? End quote, that's a spoiler. Well, that was also you. Oh yeah. That was me.

SPEAKER_07 25:35

Sorry, forgot about that. Now, Hogg, the other big news in sport this week was in world football, i.e. soccer, where plucky Paris Saint-Germain was defending its UEFA Champions League title. And Hogg, as I know you know, the Champions League is the Club Football Championship of Europe. Formerly the European Cup, the most prestigious club title there is. And uh PSG, as the team is nicknamed, beat newly crowned England champions Arsenal on a penalty shootout.

SPEAKER_08 26:03

Please, I didn't miss a minute other than the first 120 and the shootout.

SPEAKER_07 26:07

You missed it like Arsenal missed the last penalty, Honk. They did, they missed it. I mean, I know, I know. Can you can you believe it? You wouldn't read about it. It's actually a heartwarming story, Honk. Some would say it would have been more heartwarming had Arsenal won't London Club first English title for 22 years, long-suffering fans. Him winning the domestic and European double would have been a dream come true for Arsenal fans. Except I go for Liverpool and we sacked our manager because he lost to Arsenal and PSG for that matter. So I don't care.

SPEAKER_08 26:33

So what then was heartwarming about Paris Angela and PSG winning?

SPEAKER_07 26:36

Well, Hawk, in these troubled times of global instability where we're all just looking for something to hold on to, PSG proved that there are still some things money can buy. Specifically football championships.

SPEAKER_08 26:50

Don't want no underdogs triumphing against all odds, do we?

SPEAKER_07 26:53

That's right, those underdogs arsenal scraping by with a wage bill of 413 million euros per year. How much does Paris Saint-Germain spend? 535 million euros. That's 866 million Aussie dollars a year for a squad of 24. The top guys and the team hawk have to get by on 300,000 euros.

SPEAKER_08 27:14

Half a million Aussie per week. Listen, with inflation like it is, that is barely enough to cover gas.

SPEAKER_07 27:20

That's true. We've got to pay for the trains again now in Melbourne. So there's that as well.

SPEAKER_08 27:25

Luckily, the Fair Work Commission just put up the minimum wage, 5% here in Australia, and our federal treasurer Jim Chalmers claims to have cut tax by $5 a week. So if the Paris Saint-Germain players can somehow just hang on, eat crackers a couple more days, there are better times ahead. Who owns Paris Saint-Germain, by the way?

SPEAKER_07 27:42

Oh, it's a little French not-for-profit cooperative called Qatar. Qatar Sovereign Wealth Fund bought PSG in 2011. That's a core plank of their globalization strategy slash sportswashing. Aby Derby bought Man City in 2008, and Qatar basically copied the idea.

SPEAKER_08 28:01

Hey, a little LNG in the tank makes the plays run just that bit faster.

SPEAKER_07 28:05

And then the Saudis bought Newcastle United also in the English Premier League.

SPEAKER_08 28:10

Interesting. How did their footballers go when their legs have been chopped off with a bone saw out of interest?

SPEAKER_07 28:14

Well, they've got a big squad, Honk. The other thing about the win, though, were the celebrations. PSG won the UEFA Champions League last year as well, but the fans still celebrated with vigour.

SPEAKER_08 28:25

By vigour, I assume you mean writing.

SPEAKER_07 28:27

How did you know?

SPEAKER_08 28:29

Well, soccer, isn't it?

SPEAKER_07 28:30

Oh, fewetball, honky. Futball. But yes, following PSG's win, nearly 800 people were detained, 50 police injured, a couple of deaths, smashed windows, burning cars. The Champs-Elysée was a mess.

SPEAKER_08 28:43

I've got to say, I'm excited the hooligans are informed for the World Cup, which I think starts next week, right? That's the event every four years where the countries of the world play off to find the best football hooligans from all over.

SPEAKER_07 28:55

Hockey, England hasn't won the World Cup since 1966. If it was a hooligan event, they'd be a show in.

SPEAKER_08 29:00

I don't know if these English hooligans have still got it, the fucking pussies. There we go. That ought to do it. Anyway.

SPEAKER_07 29:06

What's that knock on the door?

SPEAKER_08 29:08

Anyway, sounds like those PSG fans would fit right in with our next segment. That is, if it wasn't for all the other cunts of the week. Music, please.

SPEAKER_06 29:23

I'm a cunt.

SPEAKER_08 29:25

Okay, Henry, let's start it off with a fun one. Salute to a couple of good cunts. These are the cunts that make the world a better place. Like this woman arrested this week after pretending to work at a Costco's in Tampa and Florida. She turned the sample station into an impromptu happy hour for shoppers. She entered the store dressed in black pants and red polo and a fake badge reading beverage team. Then spent an hour handing out tequila shots in tiny ketchup cups, pairing liquors with frozen snacks, telling customers it was a tasting event when she was confronted. She even pitched, quote, bottomless sample Fridays to management. The cops arrive, she gets escorted out yelling, who's ready for round two while everyone claps and cheers. One shopper joked, quote, I honestly thought Costco was just evolving. This is a true true story. We'll put it up on our show. We'll put it up on our show notes. It is worth reading just for the hilarious Instagram comments.

SPEAKER_07 30:21

Well, God bless that.

SPEAKER_08 30:22

Nod two to booking.com, which has kicked off all its platforms, the German hotel, Hotel Sum Hirschen, for cancelling the booking of some Israeli guests with the following message quote Sorry, there are no Jews allowed in this hotel.

unknown 30:37

What? The hotel Christian.

SPEAKER_08 30:40

It's up on screen for viewers. We'll put this on the show notes too. The hotel has tried to explain they're not anti-Semitic. Get this. Here's their explanation. It's a corker. They're not anti-Semitic, they were just being inundated with fake bookings, which they believed were all coming from Israel.

SPEAKER_07 30:54

Well, obviously, that's because Israeli Jews control the media, including the social media. Okay, everyone knows that. Acquitted, Your Honor. By the way, these guys at the hotel are gonna they're gonna love 1944.

SPEAKER_08 31:05

And 1945. Now, Henry, we know firearm violence is out of control of the United States. We've talked about the stats in detail on the show, but never did I think I'd report to you about an American being shot by a dog.

SPEAKER_07 31:20

Was it Christine Homes dog firing back?

SPEAKER_08 31:23

It's not true story. Washington Post this week. Some dumb Nebraska cunt is at a convenience store, leaves his dog in the backseat of his truck, the dog steps on a loaded rifle. This dumb cunt also left in the backseat. The rifle shoots a woman out the window who stopped at a traffic light.

SPEAKER_07 31:39

What? Don't jump to conclusions, Sog. If there'd only been a good dog with a gun to stop the bad dog with a gun, we wouldn't have this problem.

SPEAKER_08 31:49

So true. Now, Henry, earlier we promised listeners and viewers some quality Australian crooks, fuckwits and warons, and gift with purchases, they say in the biz, they're also cunts this week. Take us through it, please.

SPEAKER_07 32:00

Well, indeed, and I love this one. We have to start with the country's allegedly leading audit for firm, KPMG, one of the big three or four, whose boss and another senior partner were fired this week after it came out that KPMG illegally used the confidential information of one of its top clients, Len Leees, the big Australian construction firm, to secure audit work from the bank Westpac and from Macquarie Bank. The Macquarie Bank contract worth $75 million.

SPEAKER_08 32:27

Jesus Christ, wow.

SPEAKER_07 32:28

That's obviously an absolute no-no for professional services firms. And KPMG was denying the story until two weeks ago when it was revealed in Parliament thanks to a whistleblower. KPMG Australia is now under investigation by the federal regulator. And of course, the last time, if this sounds familiar, Honk, that this happened in Australia was to the consulting firm PWC, then led by the penile exposer Luke Sayers, of course, which was banned from further work with Australian federal agencies, had to sack hundreds of innocent unrelated staff and lost most of its customers to KPMG. And this one's far from over, Honk.

SPEAKER_08 33:08

Another pet hate of yours, mine, and pretty much every airline passenger in Australia, I think, Henry, is Jetstar, the low budget arm of Qantas.

SPEAKER_07 33:14

Well, I think more accurately, that would be every would be airline passenger Australia, Honk, because I'm not sure any Jet Star flights ever actually taken off.

SPEAKER_08 33:22

I had one take off once, except that it got cancelled while we were in the air. We crashed into the Pacific, had to swim. The only meals were served to the sharks. It was shit house.

SPEAKER_07 33:30

It landed next to the whale ship Essex. Jet Star, I'm glad you survived. Jet Star had a shocker this week appearing before an Australian Senate committee into a proposed new aviation customer charter. Jetstar's boss said, and get this, if they had to comply with minimum service standards to passengers, they'd go out of business. Although maybe that's the idea. Jetstar's boss also said it wouldn't be fair to blame Jetstar for things beyond its control, like takeoff and baggage delays. Surely they are Jetstar's fault.

SPEAKER_08 34:04

No one else takes off hours late, if at all, and loses bags, quite like Jet Star, and I see the only people who lose luggage worse than Jet Star are the guys on the platforms at Auschwitz, which to this day. At least the trains left on time. Still the worst customer service I ever experienced, and I couldn't help but take it personally. I don't know what it was. I saw Jetstar's boss was also worried about Jetstar being held responsible for delays by its code chair partners.

SPEAKER_07 34:32

Do they have code chair partners? Who the fuck wants to partner with Jetstar? We're going to get you nearly to your destination. And then we're going to cancel the flight and you're going to wait for nine hours.

SPEAKER_08 34:41

Total cunts. Now, Henry, while bashing easy Aussie targets, it would surely be remiss of us, irresponsible, not to mention a true friend of the show, Scots College. The $55,000 a year, that's what it costs now. Private school here in Sydney. Who could forget their past smash hits, like forgetting to pay its staff, then trying to get out of it by saying, yes, we did, only no they didn't.

SPEAKER_07 35:02

I love the castle, Honk. Remember the huge castle they built on school grounds that they made parents pay for, not just with school fees, but then by charging them involuntarily a fee to attend its opening, whether they were there or not.

SPEAKER_08 35:17

It's impressive. But it's really impressive to sort of be out of the charts for a few years and then to come back. And now Scots College is back with another smash hit, Henry. Last year, Scots College's HSC results, that is the end of high school exams results in the state of New South Wales, their ranking saw them drop from 40th in the state to 80th in the state. The headmaster has written to parents calling the criticism, quote, uninformed.

SPEAKER_07 35:42

It sounds to me like the students were the ones that were uninformed, Honky. Otherwise, I would have done a little bit better. Didn't they? Did they not drop from 40th to 80th?

SPEAKER_08 35:50

He claims also that Scots could have taken the easy route he said of teaching easier subjects to boost student marks. Or just teaching hook. I don't know about you, Henry, but that idea of easier subjects, I'd get on that, pal, because somewhere in your supply chain are some clearly pretty fucking dumb people. And yet, Henry, and yet, none of these crooks fuck with dormorons, even the Australian ones, is our cunt of the week. That honour goes this week to one of the saddest and truly most outrageous stories we have ever covered. This is I am front page news you may know in the UK. It is the UK's biggest national story in years. I would say no bigger story, maybe since the tragic events of 7-7 in London, the bombings. So the story is this an 18-year-old white kid named Henry Nowak at University in Southampton was alone, not drunk, he'd had like one drink one night in December 2025 when he had an altercation with a 23-year-old named Vikram Sigwa, a guy with an unhealthy obsession with weapons, who, as a Sikh, as it happens, was legally carrying a ceremonial dagger. Henry Nowak is stabbed four or five times. Vikram and his brother call the cops and claim they have been the victims of a racially motivated attack, which was later established they absolutely had not been. Not true at all. The cops arrive. Henry Nowak, the white kid, is lying on the ground. They handcuff him and have a listen or a look to the next 15 seconds of this pixelated police video. The first voice is Henry's, the second is one of the cops, and content warning. This is really shocking stuff.

SPEAKER_01 37:25

I'm running around a corner. You've been stabbed, whereabouts?

SPEAKER_07 37:34

It's just terrific. I remember I actually remember when it happened now, now that you tell the story.

SPEAKER_08 37:38

The cops did not bother checking for stab wounds. The kids' wounds were not survivable, but Henry died on the ground in handcuffs while the police focused their concerns on his killer. Now, the killer, you'll be pleased to know, was just this week sentenced to at least 21 years in jail. But of course, as we've talked about lately, for the UK, the timing could not be worse. Failing economy, total lack of confidence in the current government, a rising far right. We've also talked about who blame immigration for the UK's problems. Riots have begun and continue against police who've been injured, and they're ongoing as we speak now. Nigel Farage, the leader of the Reform UK party, who we've also talked about, has used the murder, predictably sadly, for racist purposes, asserting the cops have now been indoctrinated to believe any claim of racism made by a non-white person against a white person. Bizarrely, the person to emerged most like a leader from it all is the deeply unpopular Prime Minister Keir Starmer. This was him this week in the UK House of Commons. We've given him a lot of shit on the show, but this really is the speech of his life. Have a look and a listen.

SPEAKER_01 38:43

They have lost their son in the most appalling circumstance. They make a simple plea of us as human beings to please not exploit that. That is their plea to us. We all need to reflect on those words of Henry's father. My response, and the response of others, to be fair, has to be focused on the lessons to be learned so we can deliver justice. His response has been to appeal for rage. Rage. That's his response to a father who's lost his son and ask for that not to happen. Exploiting this tragedy to create grievance and division would be wrong in any circumstances, but to do it when the family are expressly saying, please don't, is unforgivable. It shows exactly who he is.

SPEAKER_08 39:43

No, and look, the stabbing and the lies of the police by the killer and his brother are obviously unfathomably evil, and he got what he deserved, 21 years at least. But the cop's treatment of the dying boy is totally incompetent and unforgivably cruel. The investigations into the police conduct are, as you'd expect, underway. But Vikram Sigwa, the UK Southampton police, you are by a million miles our dual winner, cunts of the week. And I think you know what song you both get for it.

SPEAKER_03 40:10

Go for Jesus Honk, that was heavy stuff, man.

SPEAKER_07 40:25

Can we go back to the you know the light-hearted things like the dog shooting the lady? Unless, of course, you want to take us through the complete history of great British mining disasters. Soundtrack by the Bee Gees. That's that's all we have time for. Thanks as always for joining us, folks. You can watch us on YouTube if you're not already. Drop us a like or a comment. We love reading comments. The YouTube links in our show notes. You can also find us on all the audio platforms, of course, but you can watch us if you want to on Spotify, on video, or perhaps just understandably stick to audio. Find us in all the usual social locations, especially TikTok, Insta, and YouTube for our short clips. And please share us on your socials, including your WhatsApp groups, and rate us on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. It really helps grow the show.

SPEAKER_08 41:09

Yes. Also, as we say, check out our show notes wherever you get the podcast. From those show notes, you can send us a text, we'll read it. You can send us a voicemail, we'll play it. And also use that voicemail or a text or an email also on our show notes to join our ask our experts advice new thing, like Sister Lee did. We'd love to hear from you. And do read our show notes, as we always say, for extra jokes so bad that, in fact, good news, Henry and I have just been offered co-head of English at Scots College.

SPEAKER_07 41:33

I thought we'd be in the French department honky, but you know. Better luck next time. All right, we'll be back next week at the usual time. ASAP, Saturday, Australian Eastern Standard Time.

SPEAKER_08 41:46

Yes, but before we go, a little video, comma, audio to show there is still beauty in the world. So not more crooks, fuckwits, and morons, something a bit more uplifting. Sterling Nassau, those in Australia may have read about, is a 21-year-old uni student. He was in the audience last Saturday night in Sydney among 2,000 people for a live orchestra performance accompanying the musical film La La Land. The Oscar-winning conductor, who was the film's composer, Justin Hurwitz, suddenly announces the orchestra's keyboardist has fallen ill, and he asks if there's anybody in the audience who can sight read and play the rest of the show. And Sterling Nassau nervously puts his hand up, he goes on stage, and it is absolutely amazing stuff.

SPEAKER_07 42:25

How fantastic. So he's going to be Aussie John Ossoff. And he certainly made me feel better about Donald Trump's shameless egomania with his memorable explanation.

SPEAKER_08 42:47

So do enjoy these two uplifting or hopefully uplifting pieces, and we'll be back next week because as the great Henry Lee always says.

SPEAKER_07 42:57

Now Hunk, you know this is a comedy podcast, right?

unknown 43:00

Fuck it.

SPEAKER_07 43:01

There's always something I forget. Sorry. It's not a pet or other kind of crematorium. Just take the tone light with you.

SPEAKER_05 43:08

Anybody like an amazing state reader? You can say read? Say read. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 43:59

Building a money.