Instant Experts S2 - Ep 61 - IT’S THE WORLD CUP! OF CROOKS, F*CKWITS & MORONS!!!

Video version is here!: https://youtu.be/cttdj8n31xw

This week, the Crooks, F*ckwits & Morons line up in their traditional 4-3-3 formation, as we celebrate the start of the world Festival of Fooootball:

    1.    Trump slips a fart past the keeper and a shart past the diaper in another explosive press conference! 

    2.    Meanwhile, NBC's attacking centre-mid Kristin Welker bamboozles the USA’s ageing right winger with confusingly simple questions about elections!

    3.    Dynasty sweeper-keeper Linda Evansyahu plays out from the back before declaring Total Football on The Colbys

    4.    And the hapless Wests Tigers slump to a 68-0 defeat - which is disastrous whether it’s soccer, rugby league, curling or hurling!

Grab the nachos, dip and a frosty can of Labatt’s as we review the form of all the key players: 

    •    Alexis Trumpington: this box-to-box midfielder runs one way then the other all day. Confident she’ll beat Iran for the 39th time this summer 

    •    Blake “The Ayatollah” Carrington: smooth as silk on his best days, this enigmatic performer tends to go missing in the big games  

    •    Keir Starmer: showed early promise but now unclear on his best position. Is it centre forward, left back - or do we need a replacement from the bench?

    •    Anthony Albanese: dour midfielder naively hoping for magic from Australia’s error-prone, deep-lying playmaker, JE Chalmers

    •    Anika Wells: Aussie Sports Minister looked a certain starter for The Socceroos before a breach of team protocol saw her left at home

It’s another bumper episode of Instant Experts, in which we try to pick a winner from a whole bunch of losers: 

    •    Belfast tries radical Cup-eve tactics change with racial violence replacing traditional sectarian approach. Will the coach get knifed like that poor bastard on the street?

    •    Small child who witnessed repeated Wests Tigers slaughter misses the World Cup to go to Gaza for rehab: “I’d love to watch the pool stage - and Round 15 - but I need to focus on my recovery”

    •    Victorian State coach Jacinta Allan parks the bus with a 5 man backline of C, F, M, E and U, and just the one striker: a convicted child molester but hey, he was ALP Footballer of the Year

    •    Meanwhile NSW Premier Chris Minns is controversially left out of the episode after talking way too much common sense about the effects of excessive tax on revenue and the market for illegal tobacco 

All in the comedy podcast with the latest news, explained by idiots - The Honk and Henry Lee (Vic Dept of Families, Fairness & Housing on stress leave from that time they had to work in the office (10:04-1049am, Tues April 9, 2003))

Say hi to us by email at: gday@instantexperts.com.au 

Or be heard everywhere from one part of West Sussex to another part of West Sussex with a voicemail to play on the show, right from our home page!: www.instantexperts.com.au  

All complaints to: stokesy@mbargo.co.uk - but only in business hours. Or at 2am.

Audio episode produced, mixed and compiled by Junior

Video episode designed, assembled and edited by the Guantanamo Babe

Digital design and social media also by Guantanamo Babe 

Episode edited by Honk, with assistance from Tallahassee Regional Airport Male Toilets Cubicle 7's Austin Franco (shh, don't tell him Honk's a k*ke!). 24/7 c*caine by Mohamed Skaf. Award-winning childcare by Cameron Bloomfield

Thanks to Limestone Digital, Prague, for the proofreading

No thanks to that little Tigers shit with the Sharks fan sister for being the f*cking kiss of death

Full performance by Tony Award winner Joshua Henry of song from the musical 'Ragtime' on NPR's 'Tiny Desk' is here (starts at 16:23): https://youtu.be/1XQtMnPz1AQ?si=7lx0ogXLytfxdfGc&t=983  

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Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:07

This week on instant experts, tired Trumpy snoozes through another week. Hey, those late night dinner, the episodes take their toll, all right. The World Festival of Football kicks off in the US.

SPEAKER_06 0:20

And we explain why Iran only has nine players.

SPEAKER_05 0:24

And at home, our beloved West Tigers achieve a new low, even for them.

SPEAKER_06 0:30

Pull the boots on, Henry. They need you.

SPEAKER_05 0:33

Welcome back to Instant Experts World Cup Edition.

SPEAKER_06 0:37

World Cup of crooks, fuckwits, and morons.

SPEAKER_05 0:40

Certainly is. And it's all the latest news explained by idiots. Here to keep you sane in a crazy world. I'm Henry Lee, and as always, I'm here with my dear friend, the Honk. Honky, welcome.

SPEAKER_06 0:52

Henry, my dear fellow, a pleasure to be here with you, as it always is. And where are you dialing in from this week, Honk? Well, thank you for asking, Henry. This week, as you mentioned, is the start of the FIFA World Cup. So to celebrate, I'm in the Silvio Berlusconi room at the Bangaber Club. I am surrounded by newbar women and old Italian crooks.

SPEAKER_05 1:11

I think the old Italian crook who ran FIFA was actually Sep Blatter, not Silvia Berlusconi, but I hear what you're saying.

SPEAKER_06 1:17

I think Seph Blatter may have actually been Swiss. But FIFA is now definitely run by a young Italian crook called Gianni Infantino. We say young because he's only 56. He's the one who's constantly sucking up to Trump, having previously sucked up to Qatar and Putin, who hosted the previous two World Cups.

SPEAKER_05 1:33

That's right. And don't forget Saudi Arabia coming up in 2030. Watch out for those bone sores pillet. Gianni Infantino is a great name, though, isn't it? Sounds a lot better than the English version, which would be, I think, John Child.

SPEAKER_06 1:46

John Little Child, right? Yeah, probably right. But yes, now this show is about, as we always say, crooks, fuckwoods, and warards. And with the possible exceptions of the International Olympic Committee and the Trump Cabinet, FIFA has more of those than anyone else.

SPEAKER_05 1:59

Indeed, in many ways, Honk, they are the traditional owners of the category. And as such, we should acknowledge them at the start of the show. So to FIFA crooks, past, present, and emerging.

SPEAKER_06 2:09

Always was, always will be, total fucking shunks.

SPEAKER_05 2:14

Now, Honk, on in the news, what caught your eye this week?

SPEAKER_06 2:18

Oh, well, I mean, it's so much to talk about, including the World Cup, particularly the chaos caused to it by the Trump administration. But I want to start somewhere different if I can. I'd like to start with some feedback for you. I see. Uh where's this one going, Honko? Henry, don't be defensive. Feedback is a gift. At least that's what they said to me when they told me to stop calling people cunts at work. Which job was that? All of them. There've been a few. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I think you need to smile more.

SPEAKER_05 2:47

What are you talking about?

SPEAKER_06 2:49

You're a young, handsome guy, but you're always grumpy. I smile all the time.

SPEAKER_05 2:53

I'm smiling now.

SPEAKER_06 2:54

Except when other people are talking.

SPEAKER_05 2:57

That's only when the crooks fuck with some morons, hockey.

SPEAKER_06 3:00

Cunts, I think, is the word you're looking for. But seriously, Henry, just try and take it on border, right? I was inspired here by Trumpy, as you might be by the CNN reporter, Caitlin Collins.

SPEAKER_05 3:10

Oh well, I love Caitlin Collins. She's my spirit animal, at least one of them.

SPEAKER_06 3:15

Yeah, she's a very good journalist, does her homework, asks the hard questions, doesn't take shit from anyone.

SPEAKER_05 3:19

Yeah, and especially Trump.

SPEAKER_06 3:21

That of course drives him crazy. He, as we know, he hates people who stand up to him, hates women who stand up to him in particular. And his solution is the lamest old guy one imaginable. Check this out from this week.

SPEAKER_04 3:32

CNN's a very corrupt organization with a corrupt reporter standing right there. Never smiles. She never sweet a young, beautiful woman, never smiles. I never see a smile off her face. I see her standing there with hatred in her eyes.

SPEAKER_05 3:46

Oh my god. She didn't even ask a question, Hawk. She's just standing there, presumably trying very hard not to shoot him.

SPEAKER_06 3:54

And that wasn't even Trump's worst of the week. He was doing a sit-down with another journalist, Kristin Welker from NBC's Meet the Press, and he started doing his usual shtick, you know, alleging election interference. Which he always alleges when he loses an election, never when he wins one. Of course. And it's happening again in California, where there have been primaries this week for the coming elections for Governor of California and for the mayor of LA.

SPEAKER_05 4:14

And now, Honky, fun fact, you know that Trump has never beaten a man in an election.

SPEAKER_06 4:19

That is very true. I love that stat. Fascinating. Very telling, too. Anyway, Trump he was complaining because it looked like the Republican candidate for mayor, the former reality star Spencer Pratt, wouldn't get through. And in fact, he didn't, even though California skewed heavily Democratic in recent years. Trump says it's rigged. But look at how it goes after the journey when then she stands up to him.

SPEAKER_04 4:41

The election was rigged. It was a dirty election. And it's happening again right now in California. Right now, it's looking look at what's happening in the place.

SPEAKER_08 4:57

No, they're crooked. And they're urging the votes to become a crooked. That's how they're going to be able to do it.

SPEAKER_04 5:01

You're crooked, your press is crooked, and meet the press is crooked. Really when you put it right into the hands of you're either crooked or you're stupid. Your elections is good. We're like a third world country. Your elections are crooked, and you're crooked, and leave the press is crooked, and so is ABC and CBS and CNN. You're one-sided crooked network. So let's call it quits, because I've had enough. Thank you, darling. Have a good time.

SPEAKER_05 5:29

He really is a very charming fellow, isn't he, Hunk?

SPEAKER_06 5:32

To be fair to Trumpy, there could be another explanation for why he stormed out. Well, he was sundowning. Maybe that too. Even money, right, as we've said many times, he's got early stage dementia. But there is some speculation he actually ran off the set because he had shat himself. As reputedly happens to him often when he gets angry. Now we're gonna we're gonna spare you there's a prudostile frame-by-frame analysis, but that is the very strong rumor.

SPEAKER_05 5:58

Very, very strong odor as well, presumably.

SPEAKER_06 6:01

Now, speaking of which, what we do know, Henry, and we talked about this last week in the context of BJ Vance and Pete Heggs experiencing extreme flatulence while meeting the press. Yeah, you said that they were like the Joe Frazier and Ken Norton of Farting. That's right, seeking their title shotslash shot against the man himself, the big boss, the nappy weight champion of the world, Dolph Medali. And and here is what those guys are up against. This was Trump in another presser this week.

SPEAKER_02 6:28

Again, uh working through all the permitting to drive towards that so that we can be selling clean, reliable energy to our allies in the Pacific uh who want to do more trade with us.

SPEAKER_05 6:37

He's not a senile old coot at all, Honk. And frankly, I resent that suggestion. Apologize. But honky, Fartgate was not his only snooze on the job this week. It's finals time in the NBA, the National Basketball Association, and the New York Knicks are in the finals against the San Antonio Spurs. Now, Honk, I know you know this, avid sports fan that you are, but the Knicks are one of the biggest teams in the NBA, being the original team from New York. But they never win, so they're kind of like the Yankees fan base, but with the Mets record. Anyway, they're in the finals right now, trying to win their first title since 1973 when Phil Jackson was in the team. Now, Phil Jackson later became more famous as a coach of the Chicago Bulls and then the LA Lakers. And then, of course, of Last Dance fame, the Netflix documentary.

SPEAKER_06 7:23

Ah, yes, that's where I know the name from.

SPEAKER_05 7:24

Anyway, as we know, Trump isn't normally interested in things that aren't himself, but he does actually appear to be something of a Knicks fan. He was certainly seen at the games a lot back in the day when he was a man about town in New York City in the 1990s.

SPEAKER_06 7:37

Was that him or was that the mysterious John Barron?

SPEAKER_05 7:41

That's right. Anyways, fast forward to this week, and Trump decides he's gonna head down to Madison Square Garden and check out game three of the best of seven finals. And that's a big deal because it requires basically shutting down the entirety of midtown Manhattan for security reasons. Yeah, right. Cost a lot of the bars there, a heap of money that are having before and after watch parties, etc. But you know, fair enough, he's the president, he's entitled to relax now and then, he's probably a Knicks fan, and he wants to see the game. So he turns up with his granddaughter Chitrump and then promptly falls asleep. There's a video of her trying to wake him up. It's like the wiggles wake up Jeff waking up unsuccessfully.

SPEAKER_06 8:21

And of course, the other thing that happened is that the crowd moved the fucking shit out of him before the game. And mind you, he's never been popular in New York, presumably because they all know him. Have a listen, have a look at this.

SPEAKER_05 8:51

Maybe the booze were like ASMR for him, you know, just a bit of white noise to calm him down and get him in that in a pre-sleep frame of mind.

SPEAKER_06 8:59

I'm gonna get the shit boo out of bed and I find them I know I find them very relaxing. Speaking of booze, that's kind of what's happening America wide, of course, with Trump's approval rating absolutely tanking. For viewers, here's the graphic. He's currently at minus 34 in the approved disapprove of his handling of the economy.

SPEAKER_05 9:14

His first time, clearly, people thought he was doing a good job. Now, not so much. But hook, that's probably no surprise when he says things like this.

SPEAKER_07 9:22

Are you concerned, Mr. President, about the latest inflation number which came out this morning?

SPEAKER_05 9:27

Could that be a numbers which triumph? You know what I really love?

SPEAKER_04 9:31

I love the inflation. You know why? Because as soon as this war is over. You know, I can say it now. Something you didn't know. Do you know we've been taking out millions of barrels of oil? Nobody knows it. You know who doesn't know about it? Iran until right now.

SPEAKER_06 9:48

Sorry. Did he just say he loves the high inflation numbers, but don't worry about it because we are stealing Iran's oil?

SPEAKER_05 9:55

He did. That's exactly what he said. How's Iran going, by the way? You're our man in Hormuz. What's the latest?

SPEAKER_06 10:03

Well, the answer would have been different if you'd asked me three minutes ago, or if you asked me three minutes from now. Pretty much it's just another week on Dynasty Middle East edition, I think you'd say, Henry. Alexis Trumpington, the Ayatollah Carrington, and Linda Evans Yar, who are going at it again like banshees. Torrid, it's steamy, it's got it all. What's what's happening in that steamy love triangle now? Last week, as we said, Israel stopped attacking Hezbollah and southern Lebanon because Trump freaked out. That's the Blake. I don't want you to see her anymore. Exactly. Then this week the US loses a helicopter because it hit or was hit by an Iranian drone.

SPEAKER_05 10:36

That drone is no good. Just a two-bit piece of machinery trying to destroy our marriage, Blake.

SPEAKER_06 10:41

Then the US itself breaks the ceasefire and attacks Iran. I knew it! That whore. It is unclear if that was about the helicopter or negotiations taking too long. Trump said it was both. He just needs some time alone, Hongk. Just need some Blake time. The Aetolla is Blake, Henry. Trump is Alexis slash Joan Collins.

SPEAKER_05 10:59

I'm so confused.

SPEAKER_06 11:00

Now, Iran, that's Blake the Aetola Carrington, celebrated the U.S. attack, that's Alexis, by firing missiles at Jordan and Bahrain and then fully closed Strait of Hormuz again. Jordan and Bahrain, those sluts. Blake the Aetola hit on them. They were just standing there. Right. So who are Jordan and Bahrain on Dynasty? Good question. I reckon they're like the Colbies. Remember the Colbies? Like nothing to do with the main plot, but kind of angling for their own show. Like Fallon might be Jordan. Anyway, the very latest overnight, as we record, is Trump now claims to have stopped US hostilities again, citing alleged progress in peace talks. Short answer is it's systems normal in the Middle East.

SPEAKER_05 11:39

Systems normal, all fucked up. You know that's where the word SNAFU comes from, by the way. Yeah, I think I did. Yeah, the US Marines coined it in World War II, sometime between Pearl Harbor and Iwo Jima. That's actually a pretty good analogy for the Middle East in general, isn't it? It is. Now, speaking of such exotic locations, Honk, it is time for our weekly shout-outs to listeners. We have loyal listeners all over Australia, of course.

SPEAKER_06 12:04

Yes, it was a bumper week for us last episode, actually. One of our biggest ever. In fact, top five. Tons of listeners in all the mainland capitals in Australia, including Darwin. So thank you very much, all of you.

SPEAKER_05 12:14

And a special shout out, Honk, to our listener in Bendigo.

SPEAKER_06 12:17

Now your dad lives in Bendigo, doesn't he?

SPEAKER_05 12:19

He does, but it's not him. I told him your foul language would put him off, so he doesn't listen to the show. Get fucked. You not your dad.

SPEAKER_06 12:28

I'll tell him you said that. He's an old grub. And I know where he gets it to. The tree does not fall far from the apple. You know, I think you should smile more.

SPEAKER_05 12:38

Hog, we also have regulars all over the world in places like Vancouver, where I'll be on Monday night. So if you're around listener, get in touch.

SPEAKER_06 12:44

Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're busy.

SPEAKER_05 12:46

No, I don't seriously, Honk. I would love to have a beer with our Vancouver listener.

SPEAKER_06 12:49

Okay, who is she?

SPEAKER_05 12:50

What's going on? We've got Richmond on Thames, another regular.

SPEAKER_06 12:54

Well, that'll be Henry VIII, right? Never misses an episode.

SPEAKER_05 12:57

Well, he loved your thesis about him, Honk. It was very complimentary. And the city of Westminster.

SPEAKER_06 13:04

That'll be Keir Starmer saying what we said about him. I think he'd have more confidence, wouldn't he? You mean when he's the Prime Minister? Yeah. Instead of listening to this show to see what we think. When you're getting your ass handed here by Nigel Farage. You're impartled to a wobble, aren't you?

SPEAKER_05 13:18

Honk. We also have new listeners in Adachi in Tokyo. I actually tutored a kid called Adachi back in the 90s. I wonder if that's where the name comes from. What the fuck is this? This is like a diary of the 90s. What is this? They were lovely people, the Adachis. They used to give me these exotic, super packaged little Japanese snacks. Suppose that the exotic snack you're trying to hook up with in Vancouver. We also have Villain Waiver del Rio Segura near Murcia. It's about halfway between Barcelona and Gibraltar, sort of near Halicante.

SPEAKER_06 13:48

I know women actually from both Murcia and Alicante.

unknown 13:51

Right.

SPEAKER_05 13:52

But I'm the Horn Dunk. And Honky, we also have a listener in Wilmington, North Carolina, traditionally a port city, but now also home of the largest domestic television and movie production facility outside California.

SPEAKER_06 14:07

That is right. Movies made there include blue velvet and shows like the classic Dawson's Creek. John Michael Housen reporting there. Thank you very much. But Henry, listener of the week, is Ian Bishard, who got in touch via Instagram to say, quote, love your weekly roundup of the important stuff, except your roundup of the domestic budget, from Hurst Pier Point in West Sussex. Good work, fellas.

SPEAKER_05 14:28

Thank you, Ian. Hurst Pier Point. It's about two hours south of London, 20 minutes north of Brighton, and home of a very well-known school of the same name, Hearst Pier Point College.

SPEAKER_06 14:38

Well known by you, no doubt. Connoisseur of Pheasant Shooting, Country Estates and the Hunt.

SPEAKER_05 14:42

Well, I spent a year near there in West Sussex in 91 at Lansing College. We used to play Hearst Pier Point at cricket.

SPEAKER_06 14:48

You're more like Polo's nipple chase and shagging the help, right?

SPEAKER_05 14:52

Don't listen to him, Ian. He's just jealous.

SPEAKER_06 14:54

Next week, listeners, Henry runs through all of 1993, one minute at a time.

SPEAKER_05 14:59

That was a great year, 93. All right. Time for quick shots, Honk. I get the hint. And the Australian budget conniptions continue.

SPEAKER_06 15:08

Yes, and with apologies to Ian from Hearst Peer Point for our continued coverage.

SPEAKER_05 15:12

Well, this week, Treasurer Jim, the pirate charmers, was making noises, Honk, about creating a special capital gains tax 50% off deal for startups. This is in response, of course, to widespread anger over the government scrapping the 50% discount of the last 27 years and replacing it with straight indexation for inflation and a mandatory minimum 30% tax, which in layman's terms means increasing capital gains tax from a range of 0 to 23.5% to a range of 30 to 47%, which for the mathematicians is an increase of between 100 and infinity percent.

SPEAKER_06 15:44

I'm not like the economics correspondent on the show, but why the fuck do startups get a carve out? Shouldn't the carve out apply to all businesses or none?

SPEAKER_05 15:51

100%. There's absolutely no logic to it at all. It's a classic bad political reaction to bad policy. In fact, Honk, I'm so mad about the whole thing that I spent the long weekend writing a submission to Parliament on it. You'd actually be writing strongly worded letters to the paper.

SPEAKER_06 16:07

I also did write an article for the paper this week. This is officially old fight behaviour, which you actually have been for over 30 years. Hey, it's not a crime to be mature, Honk. You should try it sometime. I don't think that's happening anytime soon to you. The thing I like in all of this tax stuff was Albo, the Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, appearing in a joint press conference with New Zealand Prime Minister Christopher Luxon. They asked Luxon about capital gains tax, which New Zealand has never had. Now bear in mind, Albo is standing right beside him, and here is what Luxon said.

SPEAKER_02 16:41

We've got a recovery underway, uh, and we just think of CGT being introduced to New Zealand now is uh would be a wrecking ball through our economy.

SPEAKER_06 16:48

You know you're fucked when New Zealand won up to your economics. So those those keeping score, that's now Australia seven million, New Zealand won.

SPEAKER_05 16:55

But actually too hung uh the the second one's later. Uh all right. Now we'll get to sports shortly, but in keeping with World Cup tradition, it's chaos in the US before a ball has even been kicked. So I'm not saying that Trump and ICE and the TSA are a bunch of shocking racists, but here is what has happened so far. Firstly, a referee from Somalia called Omar Artan has been denied entry to the US entirely. So he can't referee in the World Cup, the poor bastard. Immigration, where's your eyes, mate? Honk, they've been doing it all day. Also, 15 Iranian staff and officials have been denied visas. I mean, there are usually plenty of hangers on at these things, but still it seems a bit excessive. I was with you on the Somali ref, but these regime guys from Iran can surely get fucked, can't they? But that's not all, Honk. The Iranian team is not allowed to spend the night on US soil. What? Which is a bit of a problem because they have games in Seattle and LA. So they have to they have to fly in and fly out on the same day, which is basically unheard of in modern professional sport. So where are these poor bastards based? They're based in Mexico, just over the border in Tijuana.

SPEAKER_06 18:02

Well, maybe they can climb the wall. Or smuggle over the border in disguise as a huge pinyata suck with coach address as a wedding gift to Don and Batina Trump Jr. But the good news, Henry, is not only did the Australian Socceros team get to the World Cup unscathed, we are only sending one government MP from Australia, and it is not the Sports Minister, Annika Wells. That's the one just busted this week for rotting her publicly funded travel. Uh, busted again. And this one, by the way, the details are shocking. She was busted using Commonwealth government cars, that is, government limos, to get around the largely traffic-free capital city of Australia, Canberra, at a cost of taxpayers of $337 a ride, even if it's like a five-minute, 10-minute trip instead of using a cab or Uber. And this, by the way, is after she had to repay in the last month $10,000 to taxpayers for a range of other travel breaches. And that is after she billed taxpayers for her husband and kids traveling to the Australian resort of Threadbow for a ski trip, which amazingly turned out to be within the rules because the rules fucking suck.

SPEAKER_05 19:00

Well, I'm glad she's not going. And it's probably good that Anthony Albanese's not going either, because when the government is jacking up taxes across the board, it would not have been a good look to us taxpayers.

SPEAKER_06 19:11

Interesting that he's not going. That's quite good politics. Well, that said, it might not have cost taxpayers anything for Albo to go, of course. I mean, he might have gotten one of those free first-class quarter trips he likes to ask for. That's right.

SPEAKER_05 19:21

He could have had all his meals at the Connors Chairman's Lounge alongside his son, who was, of course, made a member of the most exclusive airline club in Australia at the tender age of 23. The services too are what?

SPEAKER_06 19:33

Gaming and frantically jerking off to horny Dutch MILFSA in your area. NL.

SPEAKER_05 19:37

Well, it is intergenerational equity honk, father and son both getting into the chairman's club.

SPEAKER_06 19:42

All right. Final quick shot. After last week, I've promised not to depress the fuck out of you, Henry, or our listeners with too much horror in our cunt of the week segment. So you're putting it here now. Pretty much.

unknown 19:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 19:53

We talked last week about the riots in the UK over the horrendous death of that 18-year-old kid Henry Nowak, while the kid was in handcuffs on the ground with police disputing his desperate cries that he'd been stabbed, in fact, fatally. The kid in that story was white. His assailant was, you'll recall, a mentally unwell guy who happened to be Sikh and who lied to the cops and claimed the white guy had racially assaulted him.

SPEAKER_05 20:12

You said it was the worst thing that could have happened with a failing UK economy, rising far right party and reform UK, blaming everything on immigration. But it actually wasn't the worst thing that could have happened, Hog, was it?

SPEAKER_06 20:23

The worst thing would have been for it to happen again this week, which it actually did. I saw the news about one Belfast guy stabbing another Belfast guy. My first thought was, well, that's just, you know, Protestants and Catholics keeping their hand in case it all. In case it all goes to hell. But in fact, the story is it was a deranged Sudanese guy attacking a white guy, stabbing him in the chest, back, and face. The guy has lost at least one eye, severely injured in the other, has lost his nose, also. He's in a medically induced coma. He would have been beheaded, this poor guy, had it not been for incredibly brave onlookers who attacked the crazy guy, including with curling paddles that used to pick up the curling. I think it might be hurling honk. My knowledge of the Irish indigenous sports is not what it was.

SPEAKER_05 21:07

Hurling stick's called a hurley, by the way. But turns out the Sudanese guy was actually a legal refugee. But especially after exhortations by Elon Musk and far right UK activist Tommy Robinson, the guy behind the recent Unite the Kingdom rally, riots have broken out in which residents of some Belfast areas had their doors kicked in by masked men who burnt down their homes. The residents, sadly, were black, but not all of them, but of course, it doesn't take too much for Belfast to reignite.

SPEAKER_06 21:35

No, and in fact, it's not just that this is the worst thing that could have happened after last week in the UK. It couldn't have happened in a worse place than the city of Belfast. Because this terrible event also plays into all these ongoing tensions about an unreunited Ireland. The Sudanese refugee, it turns out, came to Northern Ireland via the Republic of Ireland, which of course is part of Europe, a border with free travel over it, and of course, a border that would not exist at all if Ireland was one nation. Plus, there's some indication that might. Men to burst into the houses and set them on fire may have been loyalist paramilitary, that is Protestants.

SPEAKER_05 22:05

Well, let's face it, these guys have got the ski masks in the bottom drawer ready to go at any time.

SPEAKER_06 22:11

The Protestants are very upset and deny these allegations and they're furious because the allegations have been reported by a very prominent Catholic journalist, and away we go all over again. Like in the Henry Nowak case we talked about last week, the victims' family has pleaded against racism for calm, but yet again, what you've mostly seen is politicians blaming each other. Reform UK, as you talked about before, are blaming the whole thing on the Labour government being too lax on immigration. In fact, it turns out the Sudanese guy entered the UK when the Conservatives were in power, and the Home Secretary was Suela Braverman, who, of course, this year defected to Reform UK. It's such a depressing shit show that frankly, to me, only a sports report from the great Henry Lee could possibly help.

SPEAKER_05 22:48

Well, unfortunately, Uncle Henry is here. Oh, thank God. We talk about our beloved West Tigers a lot on this show, possibly too much, especially with the World Cup starting an event of genuine global interest rather than of interest to people of the inner west of Sydney. But we do think the Tigers are emblematic of shithouse football teams all over the world. So we hope listeners in foreign jurisdictions understand where we're coming from.

SPEAKER_06 23:09

Foreign jurisdictions like Melbourne, where they only watch AFL and think rugby and rugby league are the same thing.

SPEAKER_05 23:13

Hey, you said that. I didn't say that. But it's true. Anyway, as regular listeners know, that West Tigers have put us through the ringer already this season. They started with five wins in the first seven games, happy days. They were briefly second on the table, and then they got flogged three weeks in a row, 52 to 10, 44 to 16, and 46 to 18. We did win the game after that, though. Then we talked about that game last week, but we also previewed the big test, the game against the Penrith Panthers, which was last Sunday. Panthers clearly the best team in the RL. They've won four of the past five titles, and they've only lost one game all year. We both thought that we the Tigers had no chance.

SPEAKER_06 23:50

In fact, you said you were going to check the score before watching, did you?

SPEAKER_05 23:52

I was going to, but I felt too guilty after last week's show that you shamed me into watching. And what happened? Penrith 36, Tigers nil.

SPEAKER_06 24:01

I knew we'd get thrashed. Although that's actually a little better than I expected. I couldn't bring myself to watch it actually.

SPEAKER_05 24:06

The only problem is that was just the first half. It was so bad I literally had to switch it off and lie down. To be fair, the second half was a slight improvement. We only lost the second half, 32-nil. Wait a second. That means we lost 68 nil.

SPEAKER_06 24:26

I actually knew that because when I went to check the score, my phone started bleeding. There was one other delightful twist, too. Remember a few weeks back when we lost horribly to the sharks?

SPEAKER_05 24:36

That's the game where our star player busted his shoulder in the act of scoring a try, the most West Tigers thing ever.

SPEAKER_06 24:41

The game that you mentioned, we lost 52-10. Although they seem like the good old days up to 68-0. Anyway, there was a picture from that game that went viral across Australia. It was a young kid in his tiger's gear brought to the sharks game by his sister, who was in her sharks gear. And we'll show the footage for those who are watching this. And the poor kid is in absolute tears. I mean, he's absolutely devastated.

SPEAKER_05 25:02

I felt his pain, Honky.

SPEAKER_06 25:03

I was that kid, and to be honest, I still am that kid. Anyway, the tigers see the clip of the kid crying. To make the kid feel better, they invite him to another game as their guest of honour. Okay. Can you guess? Should I have a bad feeling about this? It was this game against the Panthers, which we lost 68-0.

SPEAKER_05 25:22

So this kid is down 120 points to 10 in two games. His average loss is 60 to 5. Little shit in a fucking jinx.

SPEAKER_06 25:33

I'll tell you that it's lucky kids. It's lucky kids can't be part of cunt of the week. I'll tell you that. Only good news is the Tigers have a surefire plan to turn things around.

SPEAKER_05 25:42

What's that Israel Falau? I heard he offered to play for the Tigers this week.

SPEAKER_06 25:46

No, no, they turned him down.

SPEAKER_05 25:47

Why is he too old?

SPEAKER_06 25:48

No, no, too good. The guy scored 150 career trials in rugby and rugby league, plus he played professional AFL. We can't have that at the Tigers. You get a hold of yourself. No, the surefire foolproof can't foul turnaround plan is me as guest of honor this weekend. You, guest of honor, elite sportsman that you are. Well, no, but unlike you, Mr. Henry, you fair weather, check the school first and go to sleep at halftime flake. My son and I are Tigers members. We're part of the Guard of Honor this Sunday at Lycard Oval. We get to clap the players onto the field.

SPEAKER_05 26:19

That's actually awesome. Although I know for the record that your son, my godson, literally has an Instagram account called Depressed Tigers fan. So this one could go either way, Honk. Even if they're 21, or in my case, 53. Yes, indeed. Couple other sporty quickies.

SPEAKER_06 26:32

Tennis great Serena Williams made a comeback. Honk, you've been reading the sports section again. Actually, I saw this one in Women's Wear Daily. The 23-time Grand Slam champion played doubles at the Queen's Club this week in her first pro game in four years. She's known, of course, for her fashion Serena, and she wore a pleated pink skirt, white tank top, and pink jacket from Nike, plus air zoomed vapor X shoes, also from Nike.

SPEAKER_05 26:54

First of Met Carla Honka, now this, are you getting paid for these promos?

SPEAKER_06 26:58

Do you mind? The woman is 44. She came back so her daughters could see her play. I think that's a nice story.

SPEAKER_05 27:02

That's fair. She's a great player.

SPEAKER_06 27:04

The other nice little quickie story, if you're an Australian cricket fan, as I know, Henry, you are, is that the England cricket captain Ben Stokes was busted this week in another nightclub incident.

SPEAKER_05 27:12

Yes, but he was found not guilty last time, Honky. Let's just remember that was a punch up in Bristol in 2017 outside a nightclub called Embargo with no E, just Embargo. And he beat the rap.

SPEAKER_06 27:25

As well as a couple of locals, right? This time it looks like he was attacked though by a drunk rugby player.

SPEAKER_05 27:30

Honk, are there any other kinds?

SPEAKER_06 27:32

Well, fair point. The real issue here, though, is the England teams had had midnight curfew since their last nightclub incident, which was in New Zealand before the last Ashes tour. And this new incident happened after that time.

SPEAKER_05 27:43

Honk, don't be approved. England's entitled to celebrate. They actually won a match. Ironically, it was against New Zealand.

SPEAKER_06 27:49

Further irony is Stokes would likely have been replaced as captain for the next test against New Zealand by young gun batsman Harry Brooke, except that he was busted last year in a nightclub incident, too, which was in New Zealand.

SPEAKER_05 28:01

He was the one, that's right, that was responsible for the curfew. I wonder what the Kiwis make of all this.

SPEAKER_06 28:07

They won't be thrilled, you'd think, especially given the biggest irony of all, which is that Ben Stokes is not English. He's actually from New Zealand. That's right. But they'll be right, Bru. They're two people getting pussed. Celulating the lack of CGT. You've got him in South African. Hard to tell. Last thing, we forgot to thank one listener before, my apologies, who this week, this guy heroically used a fake name to comment on a video of ours saying that we like to quote suck and also but the next word rhymes with luck, each other. In his honor for this commenter, I wanted to mention Kane Evans, former Australian rugby league star, who this week came out as gay. He said he'd known since he was 15, and from that age, he'd had three goals. He said, This was tragic. His three goals in life from the age of 15 were play rugby league, buy his parents a house, and then top himself.

SPEAKER_05 28:53

Oh my god, wow.

SPEAKER_06 28:54

And in his denial, he ended up an alcoholic, a drug addict, and homeless until he came out, which he said has freed him.

SPEAKER_05 28:59

He was, of course, second NRL player to come out after the great Ian Roberts in 1995. Probably the best prop of his day and a very tough player.

SPEAKER_06 29:06

And if Kane Evans feels freer by coming out, maybe other people, certain commenters, might feel a bit liberated too. I think there's something. I think in the comments about our personal life may have been a bit of a cry for help. What do you reckon? And with that, it is time for some even bigger cunts of the week. Music, please. Okay, Henry, a couple weeks back, we covered a former employee of JP Morgan and his ridiculous you'll remember sexual harassment story, where he asserted that his female boss exposed her breasts to him with the unforgettable line, quote, Bet your wife doesn't have these cannons.

SPEAKER_05 29:48

A line which my girl Honky, conservative commentator Megan Kelly, noted that no woman would ever say.

SPEAKER_06 29:54

Except Henry, perhaps one, because to kick us off this week, I give you our drunk cunt of the week. A British Airway stewardess stood down just a day or so ago for being drunk at a hotel in Belfast. Out of booze, she staggers down to the now shut bar and for a last bottle of wine, lifts up her top and says, quote, have a go at these fun bags.

SPEAKER_05 30:17

In exchange for the bottle of wine.

SPEAKER_06 30:19

Yeah. Gentleman is the barman decided he would not. And the woman and her BA crewmates were so hammered that they were banned from flying the next day.

SPEAKER_05 30:26

In fairness, Honk, I thought that was a pretty strong opening offer. Now lesser men would have lesser men would have taken it. Have you got any real cunts, Honk?

SPEAKER_06 30:35

I have a good anti-Semitic cunt of the week. New York Cornell University student Austin Franco, this is a doozy, applied for a graduate job interview with a company via the platform Handshake that he declined when he was offered the interview because he was, quote, not interested in working for a Jew. Wow. Good luck joining Vanilla Ice on the blowjob night shift at Tallahassee Regional Airport, pal.

SPEAKER_05 30:57

Hopefully none of them are circumcised, Honky. Might be off his tee. Honk, I'd like to nominate 59-year-old Jeff Wall to our top 10. He was busted by Air Canada this week, where I'm going next week, for having captained who knows how many flights for the airline over the past 17 years, all without a fully valid pilot license. Mind you, he's come this far, so he's kind of past the test.

SPEAKER_06 31:23

And the good news for Jeff's practical test. The good news for Jeff is he may have been fired by Air Canada, but the good news is Jet Star are hiring and they don't and they don't need licenses. Now, we haven't done a lot of AI.

SPEAKER_05 31:38

The only question is can he fly it in theory?

SPEAKER_06 31:40

Yeah, I reckon if I had to, I could do some heart surgery at St. Vincent's Hospital. But I don't have a fucking medical license, so I don't think I will.

SPEAKER_05 31:46

You don't care down with the patient, though.

unknown 31:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 31:49

Now, we haven't done a lot of AI on this show, but I believe you have a doozy there too, Henry.

SPEAKER_05 31:54

I do. A Prague-based software company wins good cunts of the week, and the recipient of their letter wins lucky cunt of the week. So somebody had applied to the firm for a job, and they got this reply. Thank you for taking the time to apply. We're not moving forward, but I want to be specific about why. You deserve better than we decided to pursue other candidates. Firstly, your cover letter reads as AI generated. We asked for three sentences about a hard bug you fixed. We got four paragraphs about your quote, holistic approach to software craftsmanship. I stopped reading after quote. Two, our company name was misspelled as Limestone Digital. That's L-I-M-E-S-T-O-N. Twice in the same paragraph. In a cover letter that insisted, quote, attention to detail was a core strength. None of this is unfixable. If you reapply with something that shows that you wrote it, then read it before sending, we'll review it again. No cooldown periods, no hard feelings. Kind regards. I'd like to see that format extended to relationships. I'm breaking up with you, but I want to be specific. You're boring, inattentive, and about a bit. Kind regards. It's a bit harsh to tell me that on the show. Hey, hey, you tell me. Feedback is a gift.

SPEAKER_06 33:08

But Henry, for our two top cunts this week, we are back in Australia, and they have done our nation proud. Mohammed Scaff is a name that will live in infamy here in Australia. One of two brothers jailed for multiple gang rapes of teenage girls over 20 years ago in Sydney. Mohammed served 21 years jail, got out in 2021, and in those five years since, has he done anything productive? Did he start a business? Well, actually, yes, he did. Was it legal? Well, because he's just been busted as the ringleader of a massive Sydney drug ring. He was caught with phones this week, monster amounts of cocaine, and a quarter of a million dollars in cash.

SPEAKER_05 33:42

Hunk, is that the notorious NDIS ring? Or is that a different scam?

SPEAKER_06 33:47

Sadly, a different one. Mohammed Skaf, you are a gang rapist, an inveterate criminal cunt, and worst of all, busted coke dealer, you have ruined my weekend. And yet, Henry, and yet, nothing compared to our winning cunts of the week, and they are going to warm your little Melbourne heart. Nothing, listeners, gets Henry more excited than how terrible the Victorian state government is. Now, at this point, most of Victoria agrees. Victoria is a super pro-Labour state. At the moment, Premier Jacinta Allen's government is on a paltry 25% of the polls. Next state election is only five months away, and there's speculation that Jacinta Allen might get replaced. This week, Allen faced sexist trolling with the slogan Ditch the Witch, previously used against the Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard. Not only uncool, but irrelevant. Problem isn't that Jacinta Allen is a woman. Problem is she's fucking shithouse. And this example is truly beyond. It has just come out that in December 2024, Jacinta Allen's Victorian state government gave a state community award to a repeat child sex offender. His name is Cameron Bloomfeld. I'm shocked. He was Cameron Bloomfield, he was named Victoria's Disability Pride Champion. In fairness to Cameron, nominees had to submit a police check. Cameron Bloomfield admitted being convicted five times in 20 years of the following. Indecent assaults, committing an indecent act with a child under 16, and trying to procure sex with a child under 16. How he thought he'd win is unclear to me. But the Victorian Department of Families, Fairness and Housing missed every single one of his disclosures. It took another year until December 2020. Rosted year off. It took till December 2025 for the department to discover their fuck up and rescind the award. It only came out this week because Bloomfield's been appealing against being jailed again this year for breaching his reporting obligations as a registered sex offender.

SPEAKER_05 35:37

Holy mother of God.

SPEAKER_06 35:46

You are our undisputed cunts of the week.

SPEAKER_05 35:50

Oh, that's outstanding, Honkin. And a pretty good summary of Victorian governance in my view, although this one's arguably not as bad as wasting $15 billion bribing the CFMEU. But we'll let listeners decide. It's a five finally balanced point. Okay, folks, that's all we have time for. Thanks for joining us and for all your great support lately and throughout all 60 episodes of the show. If you're hearing us via audio, remember you can also watch us on YouTube. It was a big week on YouTube this week. You can drop us a like or a comment there. You can drop us an offensive remark as one of our viewers did. We love to get them. The YouTube link is in our show notes.

SPEAKER_06 36:25

Now on Spotify, you can either watch us, or if you're worried, you'll be driven too wild with desire at seeing young Henry smile. You can just stick to Spotify audio.

SPEAKER_05 36:34

Projecting again, Honky. You can find us in all the usual locations: TikTok, Instagram, YouTube for short clips. And please share us on your socials, particularly your WhatsApp groups, and rate us on Apple Podcasts and Spotify to help us grow the show.

SPEAKER_06 36:45

Yes, indeed. Our show notes are available wherever you get the podcast. From the show notes, you can directly send us a text or an email or a voicemail that we'll read or play on the show, or you can send us a question for our new Ask the Expert segment that we tried last week. And also, as we always say, please read our show notes for extra jokes so bad that Henry and I, and he doesn't know this yet, we just won an award for them from the Victorian Department of Families, Fairness and Housing.

SPEAKER_05 37:09

Penny a police check by Muhammad Scuff. We'll be back next week. NDIS provider to the stars.

SPEAKER_06 37:16

Now we'll be back next week at the usual.

SPEAKER_05 37:18

Did you know there are 188 NDIAS providers in Liverpool alone, the suburb of Sydney? Big suburb. A lot of troubles.

SPEAKER_06 37:27

You do that much coke, you end up disabled. Now, ladies and gentlemen, we'll be back next week at the usual time of ASAP, Saturday Australian Eastern Standard Time.

SPEAKER_05 37:36

I'll be broadcasting live from Canadia Hockey.

SPEAKER_06 37:38

Very exciting. Which I'm looking forward to. But before we go, a little more fun. Yes, this week with the Tony Awards, which celebrate US Theatre, I was going to share a bit of Joshua Henry, who won Best Actor in a Musical and has become a megastar for his role in the revival of musical ragtime. Here is just eight to ten seconds off his truly incredible voice. We'll post the rest to our show notes.

SPEAKER_00 37:57

Go out and tell our story. Let it echo far and wide. Make them hear you. Make them hear you.

SPEAKER_06 38:11

But then I heard comedian Matt Harbert, who a few years back did something very unusual. He decided to re-record the complete score of the smash hit musical Hamilton, but entirely in the comedy voice of Adam Sandler. Voiciness. We're going to play you a bit of Adam Sandler's version of the show's love song to newborn children, Dear Theodosia.

SPEAKER_05 38:32

And from me, a little bit more New Zealand shit canning Australia. We deserve it. And we're going to get it from New Zealand's finance minister, Nicola Willis, who's openly trolling the Australian government's new capital gains, tax changes, and telling Australians to come on over.

SPEAKER_06 38:48

That was the Kiwi Tourism campaign for a while, wasn't it? Stay Where You Are New Zealand. I'm coming over.

SPEAKER_05 38:52

It was. And she mentions the notorious Australian campaign, too. It's it's really good stuff. I loved it.

SPEAKER_06 38:57

So enjoy the Kiwi Finance Minister. Then Adam Sandler singing Hamilton, and we'll be back next week because as the great Henry Lee always says.

SPEAKER_05 39:05

You really do enjoy a lavish musical, don't you? Stop being so racist. And stupid never sleeps.

SPEAKER_01 39:14

Australians looking to start or grow a business have an epic opportunity. And that opportunity is to do it in New Zealand. No capital gains tax, very simple tax system, broad base, low rate. We keep it simple. Where the bloody hell are you? If you're in a hobby, come over.