'Hey, Girl': From Coma to Comeback with James Leo Ryan

How do you hold onto hope when there seems to be none? James Leo Ryan shares his journey as a caregiver after his husband, actor Rodney To, suffered a ruptured brain aneurysm that nearly took his life. Nearly three years later, Rodney is defying the odds with his signature sass intact. This episode explores the power of caregiving advocacy, learning to show up for people in crisis, the strength hidden within all of us, and why "be your own quiet miracle" became James's guiding philosophy through the darkest and most beautiful moments of their lives.

In this episode they explore: 

• What it truly means to have hope against all odds
• The gut-wrenching decision: funeral clothes vs. tracheostomy against medical advice
• What caregivers actually need (hint: it's not "let me know if you need anything")
• Why advocacy is not complaining – and how to set boundaries with medical professionals
• How to truly show up for someone in crisis 

You can follow Rodney’s journey (now at home!) with James on his instagram. 

Watch the hilarious Rodney To as the vet in Foster’s short film 5 Stages of Grief.

If you would like to contribute to Rodney’s recovery at home, you can donate to their GoFundMe here. 

If this episode spoke to you, you will love How to Be a Rebel with Dr. Reid Wilson where we explore standing up against systems. You can also watch the episodes on YouTube.

If you enjoyed this episode, take a moment to follow Beauty in the Break on your favorite podcast app and leave a review—it really helps!

Reach out to the show—send an email or voice note to beautyinthebreakpod@gmail.com and be sure to follow on Instagram and TikTok. 

Cesar Cardona:

• Receive his newsletter Insights That Matter
• Get guided meditation from Cesar on his website 
• Listen to music from Cesar + The Clew on Apple Music and Spotify

Foster Wilson:

• Buy her poetry book Afternoon Abundance
• Learn about her postpartum services
• Receive her newsletter Foster’s Village

Created & Hosted by: Cesar Cardona and Foster Wilson

Executive Producer: Glenn Milley

Special Guest: James Leo Ryan

This episode is brought to you by Arlene Thornton & Associates

Transcript

They said that we need to make decisions that Rodney wasn't going to make it.

His brain was going to swell and he was going to pass away.

It's vulnerable writing and you're really speaking to the core of what it means to be human.

And I think the first words out of his mouth were, "Hey girl". Welcome to Beauty and the Break.

Here we explore stories of how barriers are broken both within ourselves and within the world.

I'm Foster Wilson and I'm Cesar Cardona. This is a home for you.

Questioning the rules you inherited and choosing your own path forward.

We are here with you on this messy and courageous journey. Let's dive in.

Welcome, welcome to Beauty and the Break.

Wherever you are in the world, I am glad that you are here with us.

And I am very glad that you are here with us today, James Leo Ryan.

I am so glad to finally meet you like as face to face as this possibly could be.

Thank you.

Welcome to the show.

Thank you so much. Thanks for having me.

I'm happy to meet both of you as well.

James, can you tell us what's beautiful in your world today?

First of all, what a lovely question.

Thank you for that.

I wish that we could all kind of wake up and reframe how we might think today is going to go

by asking ourselves that question.

So thank you for that.

I'm also an actor.

I remember that I used to like Mondays because there was possibility.

Maybe I would book a job.

Maybe my agent would call.

There'd be something.

And I tried as much as I could to kind of lead my life that way.

And I sort of lost sight of that in all of kind of what's happening right now.

But lately, I've been waking up with the feeling of possibility more and more.

And that's been my that's that's what's beautiful for me these days.

Kind of having that back again, feeling that possibility.

I love that so much for a little backstory.

So you and I have never met in person, but your husband, Rodney To, is a wonderful actor.

I directed a short film called Five Stages of Grief.

Rodney graced us with his hilarious, beautiful interpretation of the vet in this sardonic

dark comedy.

I want you to just tell us a little bit about Rodney.

Sure, I'll tell you how we met.

We met in New York about 19 years ago.

We happened to be on the same subway car.

Didn't think anything of it.

And then we were both going to a funeral.

And we ended up then kind of meeting afterwards at the funeral at New World Stages

in Midtown Manhattan.

Met him, thought nothing of it.

Three days later, I was back in LA.

And I walked into a restaurant and I heard someone say, hey, and I looked and it was Rodney.

And I sort of kind of could place him, but not really.

And he reminded me that we had met.

I go, that's where I word now both in LA, you know, to see you again.

And then four weeks later, I was doing a reading of a new play and who walked in Rodney.

So it's so kind of strange who became friends first.

Rodney is just, you know, what draws me to him.

I don't know if you know this, but he was a chemistry major.

And I know he's super smart.

He probably would never let anyone know that.

But he's he's just has a brilliant mind.

And, you know, not only kind of book smart, but clearly his comedy is really smart too.

Interestingly, Rodney and I are both super social.

I mean, if we could be out every night, we would be with people and friends.

And when people would sometimes cancel, like a last minute and say, oh, I've got a,

I got a migraine, you know, of course, you'd be like, oh my God, you know,

take care of yourself, turn off the light, take care of you.

Then together we'd be like, oh gosh, why can't why can't they just rally?

Why can't they just rally? karma,

Because then we get to a certain age and both of us have got like these chronic migraines.

So it's not unusual for either one of us to go for a day or two having kind of a migraine.

And that's what we thought it was with Rodney.

He was having a migraine.

Then like on the third day, he thought maybe he had pulled something ended up that it was

an aneurysm, brain aneurysm.

And then when he was on the operating table, they did a, we're going to put in a coil.

And one of the risks of that could be clotting.

And so they gave him a blood center, which is also standard.

And then kind of worst case scenario happened and it ruptured.

And that's, that's what happened.

He was in a coma for a while for a month and a half.

And then we moved him to Barlow respiratory hospital, which is outside of Dodger Stadium.

And they considered him vegetative during that time.

To keep in mind that during all of this, you know, I was there for those 46 days in the ICU.

I was with him.

And so I had a clear picture of all those vitals and could see if he was ever in distress.

But I was constantly like, you know, doing range of motion.

And I was exercising.

I was talking to him, hoping he could hear me.

When we moved him, I was doing the same thing.

The speech therapist and occupational therapist and physical therapist came the day after we arrived

and said, well, there's nothing we can really do.

He doesn't participate.

And so this didn't come anymore.

They told us that the news was super dire and his outcome didn't look good.

But I would, I would sometimes, you know, would sleep with him and I'd wake up feeling something.

I thought, is this my imagination or am I feeling a thing?

I would tell the doctors.

I was mostly dismissed.

But I knew that there was something before we went to Barlow.

He was able to just sort of wriggle his toes.

And, you know, I pointed out to the doctor and the doctor, the surgeon at that time said, well,

it's not, it's not voluntary.

So it was just really dire.

Let me ask you, they were saying these things that it's not voluntary because he was in a coma?

Yes. And, you know, we had taken him off of any kind of sedation.

So he did open his eyes.

He wasn't tracking.

So he, he wasn't in a state where he could really communicate, even though I constantly talked to him

as if he could and I was trying to, you know, calm him.

And, but yeah, they said that that was not, that was involuntary movement.

In my mind, that was a huge step because it's coming from here all the way to his toes.

So when we got to Barlow, I just kept working with him.

Then slowly, a hand would move a little bit, you know?

So I just, I always saw hope.

And I think that was one of the things, you haven't asked me this, but I just know that just given the

title of this podcast, I think that was a big, that was a barrier for me, kind of a systemic barrier.

Is this false hope or, or not?

And I decided that it was not.

And I kept on, you know, kind of working with Rodney and I'm happy that I did this.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

It's been two and a half years.

Yeah. It'll be three, three years, May 20th.

I want to ask you, throughout this entire time, you've given us the actions you were taking,

the things that you were doing to work with him, the body movements and the hope and

what was going through your mind from, from day three when you went to the hospital,

up until you woke up out of the coma.

What were some of the emotional changes that happened for you?

They said that we need to make decisions and that Rodney wasn't, wasn't going to make it.

That his brain was going to swell and he was going to pass away.

So we had last rights.

I went home and I picked out his funeral clothes.

Organ donation was sniffing around pretty hard.

It didn't, you know, it didn't, none of it seemed real.

You know, I asked them if they would please, if it wasn't going to hurt Rodney,

if they would take him off the sedation to see if he would open his eyes.

And when he did, I just, I don't know, that just told me something.

So I told organ donation to back off.

I had to make a decision whether he was going to be pegged and triked,

you know, for a G2 proceeding and triked for breathing.

Truth be told, as all the professionals did not, I see you are telling me,

like, don't do that.

That's not something probably that you should, you should do.

And if somebody listening doesn't know what that is, it's the,

checking out to be correct, it's putting, opening the windpipe so you can apply a tube and,

for breathing, right?

Yeah.

So that was a lot of stuff, like, what am I putting him through more pain?

I guess I hadn't closed the door and I didn't feel like it was just wishful thinking.

I was, things were real, like him, those impulses were real, his moving his toes were real.

So what I did, I said, let's, you know, I talked to his family as well.

Let's do a tracheostomy and a, and a peg and let's just see where this takes us.

And it's proven to be the right decision.

So interesting because when I found out about what had happened, I was at the screening at

Panavision for the film that Rodney was in for five stages of grief.

There were other cast members there.

And I remember being like, it's so odd that I never heard from Rodney about whether he could

attend the screening or not.

That was when one of the other cast members pulled me aside and told me.

And at that point, I believe he was still in the coma.

The irony of going in to watch this film that is about grief and about loss and Rodney's there

on the screen, hilarious, doing his bits that he does and just, I mean, he improved some

things on the day that I'm just still blown away by his performance in that movie.

But to hold both of those things at the same time.

I know that you have talked about recently about like trying to hold two things at one time.

What was that like then?

And what is it like now?

Sometimes I look at Rodney and I just am super sad because I don't want this for him.

And he wouldn't want this for him.

You know, and then I think about how far he's come and how far he's still going every day

about midway through when we were at Barlow Respiratory Hospital, kind of case worker called

me in and said, we have to talk about Rodney's discharge.

And I said, why?

He's like, he's slowly doing things.

And she said, well, we haven't seen it.

And I said, well, you've not sent anybody down from therapy to take a look.

But I've been working with Rodney and he's actually able to kind of move his hands and

move his fingers.

And she gave me a list of nursing homes.

And I said, he's not going to go to a nursing home.

What are my other options?

And she said, well, these places called neuro-restorative homes, but Rodney can't

participate in any therapy.

Basically, he wouldn't be able to get in.

I'm like, challenge accepted.

So I started working with Rodney and maybe three days after that, someone from this

organization, neuro-restorative came.

Thank God I've been documenting for myself just Rodney's stages of recovery.

So I showed her a couple of things and I asked her if I can show you more of Rodney's progress.

Is there a possibility that we could get Rodney into neuro-restorative?

And she said, yes.

So I did.

He worked really hard and that's where he ended up going.

He went to this facility and that was the first time in three months that they actually

sat Rodney up.

Prior to that, he was strictly in bed.

It was still strengthened him and he didn't just collapse.

Then they put him on what's called a, I think it's called a standing board.

Well, usually they start at maybe a 30 degree angle, but Rodney's legs were still super strong

and they kept bringing it up and he was able to hold himself.

So we started going through really intense therapy, still a feeding tube and still tracheostomy.

Wasn't really talking, but he was, he was doing things and he was beginning to track

a bit with his eyes.

Slow progress.

He was there for a year and a half and then I moved him to acute care at Northridge Hospital.

He was there for four months and that's really where things started changing for Rodney.

This is about 10 months ago.

The doctors back in ICU, all these brain specialists said, pretty much you're going to

figure out what Rodney's condition is going to be six months into a brain injury, a traumatic

brain injury.

But Rodney really, it's been the last eight months.

Now we're going on almost three years that the progress that Rodney has made has been phenomenal.

So when he got to the acute center, super intense therapy, I wasn't sure, but he just started

doing really well walking with a walker, being able to self propel in a wheelchair.

The strength that was coming back was kind of amazing, but what was really great was cognitively,

how that all of a sudden, just one day, and I think the first words out of his mouth were,

"Hey girl" you know like to a nurse who walked by.

Oh, not to you?

Not to me.

I thought he was talking to you.

I was there, but listen, when we're not on this podcast, I'll tell you what is one of his first

words to me.

But anyway, just really talking, answering orientation questions, not consistently correct,

but beginning to answer these orientation, you know, where are we, what's happened.

Anyway, he continued, the progress continued.

Now we're here up in Bakersfield at a place called Center for Neuroskills.

The therapy has gotten more intense and he's been stepping up to the plate and now he's able

to walk really with, of course, we're spotting him from behind, but he can walk up, you know,

16 stairs and back down.

When I up to five sets of that, I can actually have conversations with Rodney.

I'll tell you that right now, what can be pretty common with brain injury, I've discovered so

many things.

Rodney's always been a provocateur, Foster, you probably know that he's a provocative person.

He likes to get a laugh that has not changed.

It's just right now, we're kind of working on that filter because he doesn't have a lot of

filter, which can be very funny to some folks and to me as well.

Some of the things he says out loud are things he'll sometimes say to prior to the injury,

behind closed doors, he'll say something just to get my reaction.

And I'll say, Rodney, what you shouldn't be saying that, it'll be like, why are you laughing?

So he's kind of that same person, just extremely unfiltered that we kind of have to manage that

a bit.

But I think that the next step is we will be leaving here.

And I think what Rodney really needs, he just stepped in home in almost three years.

He needs to be home and he needs to be with our community.

We've had such an amazing supportive community.

Incredible.

And we need to have the house full again with people.

Yeah.

I found a neuro gym where he can also continue therapy.

And stuff I've learned, you know, I mean, God, who knew?

You'd have to end up being like an honorary doctor at some level here to...

I don't know if I'll call me that.

Very least somebody who was willing to look a doctor in the eye and say, you know what,

I'm going to do this instead.

That takes bravery.

That takes some strength.

It makes me wonder if you at any point felt any animosity towards these professionals who

are trying to tell you one thing and you're experiencing another.

Yes.

Yes.

And I tried not to.

But yeah, I had to set some boundaries on how I was spoken to.

I try always to lead with kindness.

But after a while, when there's dismissiveness, I'm human, sometimes I would react a certain way

on how I was being spoken to.

I also had to kind of let people know as he's gone from one facility to the other.

And I've experienced kind of where he is and what who he is.

I know what Rod is capable of.

And I had to be really clear with my expectations.

I didn't want to have any...

I don't like having any animosity toward anyone.

But I've had to put...

I have had to kind of put my foot down on some things, you know.

I'm reminded of the birth world as well.

As a doula, you know, we step into the medical industrial complex to give birth

a very natural physiological occurrence.

And we're so grateful for modern medicine to really intervene when it's necessary.

And at the same time, I find that a lot of medical professionals are pushing more interventions

and are pushing people to induce at 39 weeks unnecessarily.

It's something that I have to help my clients advocate for themselves.

Because there's two things at play here.

Yes, we of course want all of this medical information.

And of course, we want to do all of the best things for Rodney.

And also the other piece is that you know Rodney better than anyone else.

Because Rodney can't advocate for himself in this very moment.

And so the same with a birthing person who they know their body better than anyone else.

They know their baby better than anyone else.

And, you know, their partner comes into play as well.

And there's advocacy.

It doesn't have to be one against the other.

There's an advocacy component to try to how can we all work together for the same best outcome possible.

And I think both sides need to kind of reframe how we're dealing with these situations.

Absolutely.

You know, I've had some legitimate strong advocation to do.

And someone said, you know, they used the word complain.

And I said, I think that's an issue right there.

I think that you need to reframe that it's advocating.

And I think that's something that I had to kind of break through is knowing I'm not complaining.

I'm not trying to be a pain, but I know Rodney and I see what I see.

And I'm going to call it out.

And that's advocacy.

And I think that that's for anybody who's advocating for anybody in any situation.

Whether you've got a parent in a facility or anybody.

I think it's super important.

Advocacy is so important.

Some people have been in the healthcare business a while.

They get complacent.

They are holding on to things that maybe were from a while ago.

You know, maybe they're not keeping up to date with what's going on.

Maybe they don't even have any been looked at, for example, with Rodney looked at his case to see what happened.

Where is he advocacy is so important.

And it's so hard if you're someone from the Midwest, if you don't like confrontation, you know what I mean.

I've become a different person because of this.

I'm just doing, you know, Rodney would do the same thing.

And I just think it's so important to know that you can be a strong advocate for somebody else.

And it's not crossing a line or complaining.

I tell my clients, it's your mama bear coming out, right?

Mama bears are protective of their youth and they're not mean or aggressive.

They're protective.

And sometimes you have to step into that role.

And I think a lot of people can relate to having to advocate for someone in their life.

Even though that feels kind of uncomfortable at times and it's not something maybe they're used to.

It doesn't sound like something you had a lot of practice with previously.

I did. I just all of a sudden I've become this other person.

The loudest person to kind of come up.

Yeah.

Well, I do fundamentally believe that we all have this strength that's within us.

Whether you are advocating for somebody or you are the person walking up these flat of stairs post coma.

The strength lies within every single one of us.

Sometimes in your case, we had to be pushed to it.

You know, you have to be forced into being this individual torch bearer for the person who can't speak for themselves.

Right.

Physically cannot stand up for themselves.

So let alone figuratively stand up for themselves.

But I do think we all have it within us.

I think that also there's a point that you have been turning this lemon in your life

into the lemonade of your life where you've been posting on social media about the progress that he has made.

Using humor, by the way, as well to go back to what you were saying earlier about him.

The first words he said was, hey, girl, I love I'd love to read something from me that I saw in one of your posts.

It was a video of you with Rodney walking up some stairs.

It's the progress that's been made here.

It's the strength that he shows.

Your post has him walking up this tall flat of stairs as outdoors and your caption says the good news.

Today, Rodney powered through another three set of 32 stairs.

Riding the wave of excitement, I decided to give Rodney a little stair show as he rested between sets.

In other news, I was booed and roasted.

And I was the good news.

Today, Rodney's last set going up the stairs was with no assistance.

In the midst of my feeling of awe, I told Rodney that I was obsessed with him.

In other news, Rodney told me to take a number.

And then this is my favorite part.

The good news, Rodney's progress is real.

In other news, so is Rodney's sass.

Yeah.

Now that, that is how you show strength, power.

And if I may say, that's how you turn to the darkest things in our life and recognize the humor within it.

Some of the power is relieved from it, is removed from the devil in front of you when you look at him and say,

oh, wow, what pretty horns you have.

There's such a wonderful way that you've handled this by first off writing about it and the advocating about it.

And then in addition to that, you are turning to humor and information and sharing it with the world and being vulnerable with the world.

These sort of things are the strengths that had us want to bring you onto this show because it's a beautiful thing of yours.

Thank you.

That's really sweet of you.

Thank you for that.

I, you know, I said that I've always journals and then I stopped.

I started writing again and I decided that maybe some of those I would post some things and that would kind of be the answer to how and how I'm doing.

We've got so much support, such a beautiful community.

And that's where it sort of began.

Sometimes I would look back and I would kind of cringe, but and think,

I certainly never ever want to exploit Rodney in any kind of any kind of way,

nor am I trying to garner any type of sympathy.

Thank you for saying that, you know, I'm still kind of mixed about that and what I'm doing.

Well, let me just say your intention is so clear and for me as an outsider, so not part of Rodney's inner circle or your inner circle at all.

Of course, anyone who has heard about what happened is curious to know more and updates and how are you and is concerned about you.

I mean, me in particular, I was so concerned for you because you say you don't want sympathy or

the focus to be on you, but to be a full time caretaker for now going on almost three years with someone

suddenly is a huge feat and people burn out and it's very, it's a very real and heavy

thing to carry. And when I and I found this like treasure trove of beautiful writings, I think you're under playing it a little because it's actually

just a stunning capture of humanity and a journey and it does feel like a journal.

I would like to read something you wrote.

There's a heartache that doesn't always shed tears, that doesn't always bellow, that doesn't always exclaim.

There's a heartache that keeps you up at night, that sits heavily on your chest, that silently revises who you are.

There's a heartache that perpetually reminds you that so much has changed, that callously and quietly forces you to face the possibility that things may never be the same again,

that allows you to smile despite the pain.

There's a heartache that most everyone will experience at some stage in their life,

perhaps more than once, and the loss and longing in that heartache may never seem fair as it inevitably rewrites your story.

And I think we've all been there, at least everybody on this call, and maybe everybody listening as well.

What comes up for me is when I listen to this and listening to you speak as well is if I'm a listener here,

my first thought is where does he get the strength? Because I'm putting myself in your position, right? And we all have the strength, you know?

But where do you actually turn to go back to the well to gather more? Where does that come from for you?

You know, I just read something really like two days ago, and I feel kind of the same way. It was Jay Leno was taking care of his wife,

Mavis. I think it's early onset Alzheimer's, but I'm not exactly sure. Someone said, you know, you're so strong.

Where do you find the strength? Because he answered exactly probably how I would answer. Like, I don't really feel very strong. I'm not, I'm not really strong.

I'm committed to Rodney. You know, when he said it's not strength, I'm married. I don't, I can't imagine any

anything else. When someone has said to me, you're strong. I just say that you would do the same thing for, you know, your loved one.

I don't, I don't know. I don't, I can't claim that I'm strong because I don't, I don't always feel like I'm very, I'm very strong truly.

Like I've had so many missteps and fumbles and I guess we're all just doing their best. I mean, we don't ever expect it. So.

Oh, my friend, if I may say there is strength and humility.

Ah.

So it's very beautiful of you to say that. Thank you. It makes me wonder also, is that where your head is in the phrase?

Because you wrote this once, all love requires action.

Yeah.

Yes, I don't even know. I don't even know if I can explain that really. I feel like it's about the action.

You can say it, you could say I love you, I love you, I love you, but

it's a hard one. It's, it's a, it sounds like I'm saying you need to prove it.

I don't, I'm not necessarily saying you need to prove it, but it doesn't sound that way to me.

What came up for me when I see that is that, what's the Frankie Beverly May song? Love is the key.

And there's a ton of songs that always talk about love being this

continuous vessel that just never ends. Right. For me, it read like,

and this is your writing, of course, but for me, it read like love requires the action

because otherwise, where else is it going to go? It's

outputting in the world is how it came across for me. That's exactly right.

It's a, you explained it beautifully. This is something like, because it's, it's not about like having to prove it.

Action doesn't mean you're proving anything. It's, it's exactly what you said. Thank you.

Yeah. What have you learned about love and partnership in these last three years?

Well, again, because they haven't had a chance to really step away, I'm not sure yet.

So Rodney will come home at the end of this month and then he'll be home.

I guess we're going to find out what really, what that balance is between

partner and caregiver. I mean, I feel like I've always been a caregiver and so has Rodney in all of our 18 years.

I try to take a nap with him every afternoon and we hold hands and we talk to each other and

you know, that intimacy has been so beautiful. I don't know what I've learned about love.

I guess you're in the messy middle of all of it as we all are all the time. Right. Yes. And sometimes I don't feel like it's messy at all.

I think it's just perfect when we're in a moment and we're listening to some Yeruma,

just beautiful Korean piano composer and just holding hands and just listening and just talking.

You may as well be back in Studio City.

You say, um, be your own quiet miracle. What do you mean when you write that?

Rodney is a, is a miracle and he's worked so hard.

It was a time that he wasn't speaking and he was just quiet and he was proving himself every day.

Quietly, you know, miraculously.

It's moving to me. You know, I write these things and I mean them and I don't know everything makes so much sense in my own head.

I'm much more introverted than people would probably know and

I would much rather write than

speak. You know, it makes me nervous to be on a podcast like that's this, you know,

but you guys have been so wonderful and gracious. Thank you so much. Yeah, some things I just

say through my, my writing and it makes so much sense to me.

I feel that really strongly. I mean,

if you read one of my poems back to me and asked me to explain it, I probably wouldn't so

because yeah, I mean to me, I think what's so

beautiful about your writing, which

to be clear has all existed in Facebook and Instagram posts, right? But I really hope that you compile all of the writings into a book.

Someday for people to be able to read all of it

and it's incredibly vulnerable. It's vulnerable writing and you're really speaking to the core of what it means to be human.

To me, this line "Be your own quiet miracle"

I mean, it makes me think of these little moments of the two of you lying in bed together and talking quietly or being

quiet before he could speak again

and just being with each other. It's like everything gets really precious and really

small and like all of humanity is down into this one tiny, tiny little moment that you can hold in your hands. And maybe that's all that matters.

I love that. Thank you.

And that's really flattering of you to say that too about a book. A few people have thrown that by way.

I don't know. Maybe, maybe.

Well, James, I'll be your manager on this and make sure this gets out in the world. Because for me, it was like, it was like,

I got to experience far more of your

of your experience and what Rodney was going through

than I would have ever gotten to do

me in my proximity to who you guys are, right? Right. And I feel

very grateful for that. There is a whole world in my head that imagines

this experience. I've read it over months and months and it makes me think about

if something like that happened to one of us and what we would be like in that and

how one of us would show it for the other. It makes us think about all of the things that are so

vital and

important and

real and human.

I'm grateful and whatever doubts you have about posting, I feel like I just want you to know that I'm grateful

that you've done that and kept that log. I imagine it will be

glorious for Rodney to read if he hasn't already, you know, and it will be great to have his perspective on that someday as well, right?

Yes.

You have written very beautifully about Rodney as well and his humor and I just want to read a couple of lines here. You said

he doesn't ask or need permission to shine. He just does.

He owns his light, his sparkle and embraces it. He shares it freely.

Generously, it makes him who he is.

I challenge each of you today to follow Rodney's lead. Unleash your inner sparkle and give yourself and everyone around you the gift of sharing your brightest light.

We all deserve to shine, all of us.

Yeah.

Somebody's listening here right now going through something similar to you.

What is something that you'd want to express that we haven't been able to cover?

You know, for a very long time, I really meant it. Like when people were going through something,

how can I help you? Like, what can I do for you? I'm here. I'm right here. Call me and I meant that.

And something that I've learned in this experience, I guess I've learned about showing up really means not by showing up for Rodney,

but showing up for someone who might be grieving, someone who's going through something. It's just doing it.

Not asking them anything from them. I'm going to be in your neighborhood at five o'clock and I have

Matzo Balsu. Who do I leave it with? I've met friends who have shown up in this way. I've got two hours.

Where do I get the key? Because I'm going to come and do your laundry.

I've learned and I've got countless people that have done that and it makes me, it shames me when I think,

God, have I really, really shown up? Have I really shown up? Or have I just said, and I mean it when I say,

call me if you need anything. But I don't know. Now I think, because I'm not going to call.

You know, I'm most likely not going to reach out and ask. So something that I've learned is really show up.

Makes a difference. It's true with new families too.

When I work with new parents, the best thing to do is to give them no choice in the matter

except to say exactly what you said. I'll be there to do your dishes at four o'clock today.

Do you want me to knock or just let myself in? Right? I think and tell me if this is right.

But I think in caretaking, when something requires so much of your brain and your body,

that to make an additional decision about, oh, a good time to come. Or here's what I would like.

I'm going to make her a quest of you, this kind of soup. You don't want to put any burden on anyone

else and you don't have the capacity to even make that decision. So for someone to give you like a

very easy yes is such a gift. I've learned that I've actually in this process, I've called

some of my friends and I've said, I meant what I said when you were going through this,

but I could have done better and I'm sorry, I could have done better. How come I didn't know that?

How come I didn't know just to say that? Sometimes it's kept me up at night when I think about that.

Because I, because I honestly, I know that people honestly really do want to help. But as you said,

it's also like I sometimes I just don't have the bandwidth to think about, I don't want to make

the decision for that. You can, you know, I don't want to tell them what I need. I guess that might

be something too. And I've got to work on that. Like you don't have to be super spouse. You don't

have to be, you know, don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. I did start doing that as

far as when I would go teach, I just didn't like riding to be alone. I just always wanted, there's

someone to be there with him and to hang with him and engage with him. So I would ask people,

I'm going to be gone from, you know, these three hours on Tuesday, can you come in or maybe we

can split it? Can you come in and like hang with Rodney? So it's not a weakness to ask for help.

And I'm really having to say that out loud so that I keep remembering that for me,

because I, I don't as often as I probably should. A lot of us have that same, that same sort of

block that we, we try to be the super person who can hold it all. And my previous therapist

once she told me that her favorite card, her Tarot card she had was of bravery. She said,

what she loved about it so much was that the woman who was wrestling the tiger, the lion, excuse me,

wasn't standing over the lion with her chest out. She was in the middle of trying to tame the lion.

She was uncomfortable. She was in the space of battle, of tug of war and back and forth and

winning and losing and all of those things. She said, that is what courage is. That's what it

actually is. And I think all of us are kind of going through that same sort of cycle of, I want

to be the one who can hold on to this and like you say, super spouse. I think more, more than not,

we can also turn at the same time and say, oh, how do I, how do I ask for this, this help? How do I

surrender a little bit to this space? I think we all have that. You're not alone in that way, my

friend. I think we all have that ability to want to hold it all and to stand over the lion with

our chest out. Right. We need our community now more than ever. That's my fundamental belief is

that that's one of the principal things that we need in this life is community. So I am so glad

that I think by the time this airs, Rodney will be home and I'm glad for him to have a new chapter

and for both of you to get to have that with your community around you. Thank you.

Thank you both. Thank you so much. Thank you for being here today, James. We really appreciate it.

And as usual, please be kind to yourself. If this episode spoke to you, take a moment and send it

to someone else who might need it. That's the best way to spread these conversations to the people

who need them the most. And if you want to keep exploring with us, make sure to follow Beauty in

the Break wherever you get your podcasts. We'll see you next time. Beauty in the Break is created

and hosted by Foster Wilson and Cesar Cardona. Our executive producer is Glenn Milley, original music

by Cesar + the Clew.