How Chosen Family Helps Us Heal and Grow Together

Episode Overview

In this final Pride Month episode for 2026, Chris and Jen dive deep into the essential concept of chosen family and why creating a supportive community is vital for mental health, healing, and personal growth. While navigating life's everyday moments—from bad hotel mirrors to hilariously botched dog-grooming sessions—the hosts explore how our nervous systems naturally scan for safety and connection. This episode highlights how chosen families serve as an emotional anchor, particularly within the LGBTQ+ community, by offering unconditional love, a soft place to land, and the freedom to evolve into your truest self.

Three Pivotal Points

The Science of Co-Regulation and Safety: The human brain and nervous system are continuously scanning for signals of connection or rejection. When biological families reject an individual—a hardship disproportionately faced by the LGBTQ+ and trans communities—the subconscious seeks out parental roles or familial packs elsewhere to find safety and reduce chronic stress.

The True Meaning of Allyship and Representation: Visible support, such as wearing pride gear or designing inclusive accessories, acts as a crucial beacon of safety. True allyship and chosen family mean "picking up the torch" for one another, creating an intentional, secure environment where loved ones do not have to live on guard.

Rewriting Your Narrative Through Belonging: Embracing a chosen family allows individuals to utilize neuroplasticity to retrain their brains, replacing old, harmful internal scripts with positive affirmations. Ultimate belonging isn't about changing who you are to fit in; it is about surrounding yourself with people who celebrate your evolution and invite you to pull up a chair to their table.

Website - www.chrisandjenitm.com

Email - connect@chrisandjenitm.com   

Voicemail and Text available at 940-278-8129

Merch - https://chris-and-jen-itm.printify.me/

Store - https://www.fabulousfavoritefinds.com/

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Technical Challenges

02:59 Exploring Podcasting Tools and Techniques

06:00 Cultural References and Humor

08:58 Song Lyrics and Their Implications

11:56 Squirrels and Nature Observations

14:56 Family Dynamics and Chosen Relationships

18:32 Travel Choices and Challenges

27:16 Gratitude and Family Connections

39:05 Understanding Chosen Family

48:50 The Importance of Representation and Allyship

53:24 The Importance of Supportive Relationships

56:28 Creating Safe Spaces for Authenticity

01:01:43 Navigating Emotional Safety and Co-Regulation

01:07:13 The Role of Chosen Family in Healing

01:12:39 Understanding Love and Acceptance

01:18:10 The Power of Affirmations and Self-Belief

01:23:31 Building Your Chosen Family

01:30:41 Belonging and Authenticity in Relationships

 resources

Support for LGBTQ+ communities - https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Building Resilient Communities - Book - https://www.amazon.com/Building-Resilient-Communities-Strategies-Strengthening/dp/1234567890

Chris and Jen ITM Podcast - https://youtube.com/@ChrisandJenITM

The Help by Kathryn Stockett - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0015DYM8Q

Neuroplasticity - Brain Science - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/neuroplasticity

Frank - Personal Care Product - https://chrisandjennitm.com

Pride Kelso - https://pridekelso.org

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Have you ever looked around at the people in your life and realized that family isn't just about sharing DNA? It's about sharing space, sharing truth. And occasionally having someone love you enough to tell you that you've got lettuce in your teeth. Human brains are wired for connection, but what happens when the circle you're born with doesn't see or celebrate who you truly are?

SPEAKER_03 0:29

So that's why like that feeling of acceptance and being understood is really important if you can't find it amongst the family you're born into, finding people who you can have those connections with. The idea of co-regulation and your nervous system's ability to lean on others in times of high stress to help find that peace and that grounding. Whenever we have close relationships, that can help lower those stress responses and help us show up a little bit more balanced whenever we're going through difficult experiences.

SPEAKER_02 1:01

Today on Chris and Gen, we look at how chosen families serve as an emotional anchor by offering unconditional love, a soft place to land, and the liberty to become who you are truly meant to be. We're unpacking what it means to invite those who you want around your table, choose your own pack, and turn up the dimmer switch on your authentic self. Let's get into it.

SPEAKER_03 1:34

Welcome to Chris and Jen in the morning, where self-care meets real life. I'm Chris.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

And I'm Jen.

SPEAKER_03 1:41

And welcome to our final Pride Month episode. Yeah, this is the last time for 2027.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

I mean, we'll be back 2027. Yeah. Is that a promise or a threat? We're not sure. But you know. But yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:58

Stick around and find out.

SPEAKER_00 2:02

This is this is the final episode of Pride Month. Not that Pride ever leaves us. Not for us. Um, we are so grateful to have this opportunity to be able to celebrate pride because it does mean so very much to us both.

SPEAKER_03 2:18

Yes. And uh we're wrapping up this um year's um month talking about chosen family. And, you know, family can be the people who, you know, we share our DNA with, um, the people we grew up with, but really family can also be the people who see us, celebrate us, challenge us, uh, and remind us that um who we are when we forget or we're having a hard time finding ourselves. And so um I know that for me, that is you and Ace, and I love y'all.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

And I'm so you would choose to be stuck in an elevator with me.

SPEAKER_03 2:55

An elevator? No. I feel like your anxiety level would be in, you know.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

Well, well, you're my family too.

SPEAKER_03 3:03

Framily.

SPEAKER_00 3:04

I'm gonna get you a little friendship uh necklace that just says family.

SPEAKER_03 3:12

And I would wear it with honor.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

With pride?

SPEAKER_03 3:15

With pride too. That too.

SPEAKER_00 3:18

Yeah. Um, no, I love this topic because um you definitely, you and Frank have become, you know, our our chosen family and have helped us understand what this uh really feels like, not just what it sounds like. Um, and so I love that we're gonna talk about this today because it's applicable, I think, for everybody. Um, but also, you know, super applicable when we talk about pride, unfortunately, because so many people that, you know, are a part of the LGBTQ plus community don't have the level of like support and um, you know, like family that um that they need and deserve to have. And so I love that we're gonna talk about this because, you know, I'm big on the concept of having agency and getting to put ourselves in the driver's seat of our life. Um, shocking that that would be something I really gr gravitate towards. But um, you know, you can't choose um who is within your family circle. Um, and you know, even sometimes like you lose family members um and and you still need somebody even after they pass on. And so um, even though you can't choose those things, you can still, you know, have a chosen family and um continue to surround yourself in that safe place. So love that we're gonna talk about this today.

SPEAKER_03 4:44

Yes. And um, you know, we are building this community. We've talked about this many of times. Um, the we started recording these conversations because we felt like there was, you know, meaning and purpose that came out of them. And so we're we we have put it out on the internet now for everyone to join in that conversation. So please um follow, subscribe. We're on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, um your favorite podcasting platform. We're likely there. Um, and we want you to join this conversation because this is the world how we see it. But we also know that we sit in very, you know, different seats than what a lot of people do. So um, you know, we encourage everyone to to come on and and comment and share and and share your perspective because that's that's what helps provide a well-rounded perspective.

SPEAKER_00 5:36

Yes. Like, subscribe, join in the conversation, and um and we'd love to learn from you as we are in our own growth journey. So um let's start out with gratitude. And um, I'll kick us off. I um yesterday got to go shopping with my kid and um my kid who's in college, but will always be my kid. And um, I really that was just such a a fun moment, like going into stores, um, picking out clothes, um, shoes, trying stuff on. Um, I just really enjoyed it. And I am incredibly grateful to have these moments together where we get to sneak away and just spend a little bit of time um, you know, having a little fun together. So um so important. Yeah. Just one of those little moments in everyday life that I just was really grateful uh to get to have.

SPEAKER_03 6:39

So what a what a great day to look back on.

SPEAKER_00 6:43

Yeah, it really was.

SPEAKER_03 6:45

Um my gratitude moment is um for Frank, and I know that I have used him as a gratitude moment before, but your gratitude journal that you got from Chris and Jen.

SPEAKER_00 7:00

That'sm.com is just full of Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank.

SPEAKER_03 7:06

Exactly. Well, so I've shared with you Frank fell a couple of weeks ago and fractured his wrist. And so um what he has been able to do is a little bit more limited. And one of the big things we really wanted to get done over the last couple of weeks was um give Ollie a trim and give him a bath. And it Ollie uh like was still in his winter uh era, so he still had really long fur, and the days that it was warming up here, it like he would just be laying on the floor panting, like so hot. And so, like, because of um Frank fractured his dominant um wrist, and so like he doesn't have the dexterity that he usually would. And so I was tasked with grooming Ollie, and this was the first time and hopefully the only time I will have to do this, because um, I think I did good with like the clippers part of it, like you know, the part. My gosh, like you really had to Yeah, yeah, but then there's like the part with the scissors to like get his face right, and that poor little dog, I look like I butchered him. Like there were like long pieces here, and I'll send pictures, but I can't believe you didn't send pictures in the moment.

SPEAKER_00 8:25

Like that's what I would have done.

SPEAKER_03 8:26

I was stressing out, like Frank was taking pictures, and I was just like, oh my gosh, I just but I don't I don't know what I'm doing, and you know, I don't want to hurt him, and I don't like he did really, really good. I mean, in the like he for the most part was helpful, but there were definitely parts that I I um I feel bad that I didn't do a good enough job. So, anyways, all this to say I will not be becoming a uh groomer of animals anytime soon. Keep my day job. Uh and then we gave him a bath, and I I think I did well on the bath, like, you know, got him sudst up, all the things. So he smells better. No, absolutely not.

SPEAKER_00 9:08

He doesn't even like um Does he go silent or does he yap at you?

SPEAKER_03 9:13

Oh no, he he turns into a little crocodile. Like he doesn't want to be in the in the water.

SPEAKER_00 9:18

No crocodiles like water.

SPEAKER_03 9:20

But like he's sort of when you're trying to like wash him, he's like wiggling all about and like he will kind of like reach back at you. Yeah, if if you're doing something he doesn't appreciate. So he's sassy little man. So my gratitude moment is Frank, and I cannot wait for his wrists to be healed, and um he can go back to making Ollie look adorable. Um, because I I he looks cute, but uh that's because I love him and he's my little he's my little puppers.

SPEAKER_00 9:50

Well, I love that too. And Frank um definitely is he's such a good caretaker. He's such a good talk to that.

SPEAKER_03 9:58

He absolutely is.

SPEAKER_00 10:00

Um so let's talk about chosen family. Let's get into it.

SPEAKER_03 10:06

Let's talk about the chosen family.

SPEAKER_00 10:08

And you know, we talk a lot about how the human brain was never meant to do life alone, um, this need for connection. Um, so let's talk a little bit about that, maybe from a different angle or in a little bit more depth.

SPEAKER_03 10:22

Yeah. So um we've talked about in many of episodes how we have evolved as the human species as um needing these groups of people who help support us, who we go through life. And, you know, a lot of that is um f to help us survive and to continue to evolve into who we are today. Um, but because of that, our brains are constantly scanning um for signals of connection or rejection amongst people. And I know your people are maybe thinking, like, well, why would we be talking about that with family? Well, sometimes, unfortunately, like those connections aren't um always there with the family you're born into. And whether that's because of the life circumstances, whether for the LGBTQ plus community, sometimes people subscribe that it's a choice. Um, so people are people say like, oh, you're you come out as gay, like, well, that's a choice. And so, you know, for whatever reason, um, for whatever reason, whether it's religion or politics or whatever, you they then get rejected from their families. And so that as we are humans, like that puts us in a vulnerable state. And that makes our brains go into this place of, oh my gosh, how am I gonna survive?

SPEAKER_00 11:45

Yeah. Um well, and let's like beyond the just be I shouldn't say just that, but beyond just the the like gay perspective, like let's talk about the trans perspective in that, right? I mean, I think even more people believe that that's a choice. And like, yeah, it's a choice what clothes I choose to put on, whether, you know, no matter my gender identity, but it's not a choice how you feel on the inside. And getting the opportunity to see this like firsthand has helped me even more deeply understand. Um, but like it's it's a choice to care for yourself. It's it's not a choice how you feel inside. And if you are think it is, but you're open to like trying to see or understand that better, like go do some research. Um, you know, spend some time with some trans people so that you really understand um in a supportive way what what it's like. Uh, because it's not a choice.

SPEAKER_03 12:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:55

It's a choice to stop hiding, is the choice that's being made. Um, and you know, I do think that this like feeling of alone or isolation, even within family, I know that it is absolutely not um exclusive to the LGBTQ plus community. This is something that relates, you know, for many people, unfortunately, um, for a myriad of reasons, whether they grew up in a family that wasn't able to or didn't choose to love them and care for them, or um whether they've made other choices in life that their family didn't agree with, whether it was like profession or um who they chose to love or um, you know, just religion or you know, any of those other reasons we see people kind of separate from their family and not have that support. Um, and everyone deserves to have a family. So the good news is we get to choose. We get to choose our family.

SPEAKER_03 13:59

And so that's why like that feeling of acceptance and and being understood is really important um if you can't find it amongst the family you're born into, finding people who you can have those connections with. Because we've talked in earlier episodes about the idea of co-regulation and your abil your nervous system's ability to um lean on others in times of high stress to help find that peace and and that grounding. And whenever we have close relationships, that can help lower those stress responses and help us show up a little bit more balanced whenever we're going through difficult experiences.

SPEAKER_00 14:39

Well, yeah, and you know what's really interesting is if you if you don't identify and get this need met for yourself to have this familial um kind of package, um, and you don't kind of work through the issues of not having the support that you need, then subconsciously you start looking to others and putting them in these maternal roles, paternal roles. Um, a lot of times this happens like at work, and you start looking at, you know, boss situations, like in this um parental sort of way versus um, you know, in a in a way that might be healthier. Um and then that that starts to negatively impact um not just your home life, but your work life. Um, it can happen in friend groups, it absolutely happens in religious settings. And so I think the important thing here is like we do need this. Like humans exist and coexist in family packs for a reason. And um, it's it's a part of what we intrinsically need. And so when we're not getting that need met for a variety of reasons, we will subconsciously seek that out until we've like dealt with those issues.

SPEAKER_03 16:02

Yeah. And I think what's really interesting about what you just said is all those different places that we're in, right? Like whether that's work, whether that is at school, whether it's within friend groups, our nervous system is constantly scanning and asking, am I safe here? And it is trying to find those connection points with people, or it's like, I have to protect myself. And like this is where us being mindful of our the awareness that we speak of, that our our brains and our bodies and our nervous systems are doing these things is important. Because if we can't find people that we feel that connection with and that's safe with, we're we're likely living at a higher stress rate. Yeah. Um, because we're scanning for safety.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

Well, and that's a big part of why I choose to wear pride, um, particularly being here in Texas, where um you don't see it in the, you know, maybe if you're in a certain neighborhood in downtown Dallas, but like out in the suburbs where I live and you know, call and exist, um, you don't you don't see support here. In fact, often you get the opposite of that. And I think it's um it's part of why uh, you know, Pride Kelso was such a big deal, um, and why we we have been such advocates and supporters of Pride Kelso is representation matters. Like I wear, I choose to um wear my my Kate Spade Pride bag or my um Apple Watch. I don't have that on today, but it's a uh a rainbow band or the shirts that I wear, um, like the hats that I wear. I wear it because it is so important for me to represent to others that you're safe with me. You belong here. Um, because everyone needs to feel that support. Um, that's a big part of why uh like the the shirts and hats and um like life accessories that I design at fabfavefinds.etsi.com are pride-oriented because I just feel like I don't see enough of that. And people need to see it more. Um I always try and wear those shirts when I go through the airport. Some of it is subtle, some of it's more inclusive beyond pride, but some of it is like very like specific to um, you know, people that are a part of the LGBTQ community because I just feel like everyone needs to see that they are accepted and loved for who they are.

SPEAKER_03 18:46

I mean, so we did an episode last year uh during Pride Month around allyship. And that is actually one of the ways that people recommend, like if you are an ally, like find a way to show people like you are a safe space, and whether that's wearing a pin, whether it's wearing a shirt, a hat, like finding something that helps people understand like this is a safe space for you.

SPEAKER_00 19:07

Um Yeah, you belong. I'm gonna carry your torch um because you deserve it. And I think that's what family does, right? They um, you know, whether they feel like they relate to it or they don't, they they pick up the torch and they carry it. Um, and I think being a mom, this is something that, you know, I've learned is like I will I will do anything for my kid, anything. And um, you know, everyone needs somebody to have their back in that way.

SPEAKER_03 19:37

Well, and unfortunately, there's there are people who do not subscribe to that. And that's hard. And that's why this idea of chosen family has has gained momentum over the past, I would say, decade is because people started to see like, oh, well, if I'm rejected and pushed away from the family I was, you know, born into, I have a choice to then go create that group of connection and people who can support me and pe and it's not always like, you know, as a as a member of the LGBTQ community, that doesn't mean you just surround yourself with other members of the LGBTQ community. Like you, you, you are likely branching out and you are bringing people along. Like you, for example, you are an ally, like yet I still consider you part of my chosen family. Like you find people who are your support system and you begin to adopt them.

SPEAKER_00 20:31

If you will let's be clear, I am a part of your chosen family because I am just hilarious. Hilarious, multi-talented, just very entertaining.

SPEAKER_03 20:45

It's true. You are, and that and I think that like you've you look for connections with people and who you can laugh with and who do bring a level of levity, if you will, to your life. Because you talk about like picking up the torch, but sometimes you need someone who can help encourage you or just be like that soft place to land after a tough day. Like it's not always someone who can um that you need to like go on the charge with you. Sometimes it's someone that you need just just as an encouragement.

SPEAKER_00 21:14

Just a soft place, or to like I feel like one of the things that you do for me that um I don't know that I've ever articulated this. Um, I feel like you are like a a really exceptional mirror that sometimes has the soft glow edges when I need to see myself in a better light, sometimes holds up that more realistic view. Um, that when I need to like, when I need to see, like, okay, I'm being a little uh ridiculous, or like, hey, I need to be accountable to myself in order to be happy. Um, but that you you it's not like like I was in a hotel room earlier this week and the mirrors there were very unkind and very full length. And very unkind. They were not nice mirrors. And I just thought, is it me? Have I changed since I left my house? Are my mirrors at home like bad? What did I landed on? Was it was just those mirrors. And the fluorescent lighting of the hotel room. Yeah, harsh lighting. It's never good. But but um, you know, sometimes you need like multiple kinds of mirrors because um, you know, when you're in a really vulnerable spot, you don't need somebody to like just be super direct and tell you how it is and show you all those parts of yourself that you're not ready to see. But also, if you never look in the mirror, you can't like keep yourself on track. So I feel like you are that for me. You you know um, you know, when to sort of be be a little more forthright about um where I need to maybe step back and um also when I just need to like have that mirror tell me, you look good, girl.

SPEAKER_03 23:01

I mean, I do think like whenever you think about the people you keep in your your orbit, if you will, like you need people who are gonna be your champion. You need people who are gonna talk you up. But I also like for myself, like I truly believe that in in having a meaningful relationship with someone, it's not just being a yes person. Because like if I allowed you to continue to, you know, walk into walls and and like say things and and not be like, hey, you I'm not sure if you're aware, but this this is how that landed. Like what kind of friend is or what kind of friend do you think?

SPEAKER_00 23:38

I don't know if you know this, but when you say that, here's what it means, and I feel like you're not hearing it.

SPEAKER_03 23:43

Right. And so, but I do know that there are a lot of people who who like they don't say that, and then like the they won't say that to a person because they care about them, you know, a friend, a loved one, a colleague, whatever. And so when they're telling me the story, I'm like, well, did you tell them that? And oh, I I could never tell them. Like, so you'll continue to let them walk into a wall and not say, Hey, the door's a little to the right.

SPEAKER_00 24:10

Like, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 24:13

So I think that to me is like one of the big things about how you show up for people. Um, and I know like every everyone's different, so it's not by any means like I don't think it's a one size if it's all. Um, but like be mindful of the people that you are surrounding yourself with because they can either like pump you up and encourage you and help you continue to grow and develop, or like, you know, maybe they just let you coast. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 24:38

I guess you're I felt like there was a crisp sized hole, a crisp shaped hole in my life, and you just came in and fed it, fit it perfectly. And um, now I feel like my life is complete. Um right.

SPEAKER_03 24:52

Well, there you go. I love that for us.

SPEAKER_00 24:54

I love that for us. I know I saw the gen sized hole in your life and I just forced myself into it.

SPEAKER_03 24:59

You're like, ah, this is for me.

SPEAKER_00 25:01

Um, obviously.

SPEAKER_03 25:03

Um But I do, but we jokingly say that, but we know that we are safe places for a while.

SPEAKER_00 25:08

Yeah. We do, we do. And it is important to have that. It's it's important to have that. We talked about that um a little bit with like Brene Brown talks about um authenticity and um and the fear of shame that sometimes goes along with that. And how like you shouldn't just be your full whole ver, you know, you shouldn't share everything, um, all of your most shameful secrets with everybody because people will like not always be supportive in that in the way that you need. And sometimes the support that you need is to be, you know, kind of have a mirror held up. And sometimes the support that you need is just like grace. And I think it's, you know, that innermost circle of friends, like your chosen family that um sometimes can best discern and have your best interest um in mind. Um, you you mentioned like we're constantly looking for am I safe with you? And we talked about like this is why I choose to, you know, wear pride, but safety is is also something that we're just subconsciously always gathering, um, like in tone of voice and facial expression and consistency in how somebody shows up. If you we love certainty, we hate uncertainty. We've talked about that before. Humans hate uncertainty um because we don't know how to respond to that. So even if the outcome is negative, at least we know what to expect. It's when somebody throws you a curveball that's the most difficult. And so if you are interacting with somebody who is, you don't know which version of them you're gonna get, like oftentimes you don't feel safe. And so you'll avoid um someone's words, whether they match their actions, that's I think a part of consistency too. Um, whether you're allowed to make mistakes, or if every time you make a mistake, you're like hung out to dry. Um, um, I think these are the things that subconsciously we're gathering and deciding like, are we safe? Um, so in addition to thinking about like, you know, how you show up from a brand standpoint, like your your external brand to people, like thinking about the tone of voice that you use, thinking about your facial expressions, thinking about, you know, are you consistent? Yeah. And that doesn't mean you stay the same.

SPEAKER_03 27:31

Right. No, that is not what that means. That means we are we are showing up for one another. I like every time you call me, I'm not just like I'm not all over the place and sometimes a supportive friend, sometime one that tears you down. Like, like you when you call me, you know. Like you depending on what you're doing. I say this all the time.

SPEAKER_00 27:51

Like, I have um someone who calls me uh or texts me and asks me for financial advice. And um I I am consistently giving them my opinion on that, and they don't like my point of view. And I'm like, but I mean, you clearly this is what you wanted to hear because you asked me and you knew I wasn't gonna tell you to spend all the money. Like you knew I was gonna stay safe.

unknown 28:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:17

This is I'm consistent. You wanted this.

SPEAKER_03 28:19

Exactly. And so, and I know that you said that you feel whether someone's words match their actions, that you know, that kind of um you you said something that that's about consistency.

SPEAKER_01 28:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:31

You think it's I read I read that more as like you're not saying one thing to me, yeah, but you go out and show up differently in in other ways.

SPEAKER_00 28:43

Like I'm just saying, I think that's consistent. Uh like being consistent with yourself. I mean, it's like a form of consistency. It's a you know, but I get it. Two different concepts here.

SPEAKER_03 28:54

Yeah, like we're not we're not going to have a this meaningful, you know, a meaningful conversation about showing up for people and then like you don't ever show up for people.

SPEAKER_00 29:03

Like that's not constantly telling you um that you know you should be nicer, and then I just like uh you read it fillet people on the regular. Um that's but that's that's probably not a way to make you feel safe with me because you're gonna be like, boy, she got a big blind spot.

unknown 29:24

Right.

SPEAKER_00 29:26

And when am I gonna get filleted?

SPEAKER_03 29:28

Exactly. Is there a timer? Because if so, I want to get out before mine goes off. But we talk about this because there is this um performative thing that all of us do. Well, so there we're there's two different types of performing that we talk about. And the first one, the performative that I think you're talking about, is like how you show up and the things that you say, and and the um, I'm just gonna say like brand support of the LGBTQ plus community or the black community, wherever it may be. Like you put things out in hopes that people will buy your brand or they will shop with you, they'll whatever. So that is one performative. The performing that I want us to talk about is more about like how we're showing up and how we perform to the person that we're with. So when I'm at work, I'm not always going to say the sassy things that I would necessarily say with you because you're not paying me.

SPEAKER_00 30:35

Yes. Yeah, yes.

SPEAKER_03 30:37

Well But I do have to show up a little bit differently because um I don't know if I would necessarily have a job if I said all of the things that entered my brain.

SPEAKER_00 30:46

There's this, you you can't you like I said, um you know, about this concept that Brene Brown talked about. You don't want to be all of the parts of yourself un kind of um I don't know, what's the word I'm looking for? Untethered or un you don't want to be fully uh wear your heart on your sleeve. That's what I'm looking to say. Is you don't always want to wear your heart on your sleeve in every room because some people will see that heart on the sleeve and shoot the arrow right at it. But you do need to save spaces where you can kind of unzip the the tight, you know, coat that you have around yourself and go, okay, I can just be free to be who I am and I don't have to worry. I don't have to worry because I know that you know me. And so if I say something that accidentally sounds off but isn't really what I mean, like I don't have to watch my words super carefully when I'm around you because you know me and you're not gonna misconstrue what I say. Um, and that's one that I hone in on because like I say things that then end up sounding like something I didn't mean because they have some connotation I never knew about, and I get really nervous about it because it happens.

SPEAKER_03 32:13

Did you mean to say that? Is that what you meant to say?

SPEAKER_00 32:17

But I know that you'll teach me. Yeah, exactly. But I also know that you're gonna do it without judgment. You're not gonna be like, oh my gosh. Um, but recall, um, what was it like a year ago? Here I was making these new friends. And I was so stressed out about um like hanging out with them because I didn't know, like, how are they gonna perceive me? Like, how am I gonna show up? It's like stressful because you can't just like you guys don't you don't know each other super well yet. So you just don't know.

SPEAKER_03 32:54

Um and so I think you and I had a conversation to that extent. Like, if they are judging you based on, and again, this comes back from like me. I have heard someone tell me before that like I I think it was you actually, like I am uh uh it's not just from you, I've heard it from other people, but I hadn't really thought about it. Um, like you're you you are a truth teller, like you are and to me, like that just seems I mean, I get I mean, it's a compliment, and at least I hope that's how everyone uses it. Yeah. Um, but it's like one of those things that if someone is gonna judge you based off the words that you say in like your first or second interaction with them, but they're not gonna say that to you, they're just like gonna ghost you or whatever. Like, do you want that person as a friend? Like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 33:40

Like no, I mean, cultural maybe some people do. Maybe there are a lot of people that I am just too direct for. I don't know, some people. You don't think so? I think so. Some people would rather have the lettuce in their teeth.

SPEAKER_03 33:57

Okay, don't ever let me be that person, okay? I don't want the lettuce in my teeth.

SPEAKER_00 34:02

That's that's why we are chosen family. I'm not gonna let you have lettuce in your teeth.

SPEAKER_03 34:07

So I think like that's the the whole the the part of this that I think is really important is that you feel like this is a safe space where you can, as you said, kind of unzip and create those opportunities to not be afraid of what you're saying, um, not have to feel guarded if you're talking about a boyfriend or a girlfriend, um, or the clothes that you're choosing to wear or that you want to wear. Like creating that safe space for people is important.

SPEAKER_00 34:36

And yeah, well, it takes a lot of energy to be on guard and to constantly be choosing everything that you say super carefully, and then you um end up getting, well, if you're me, distracted and don't get your point across because you're like double thinking yourself. And um, then you can't even show up as your authentic self when you're so guarded all the time. And sometimes it's important to more like meter yourself a little bit in certain settings, but like it's exhausting, it takes a lot of energy. And so you don't always get your social connection needs met because you're just spending a lot of energy. Um, and I think this is where actually, you know, my therapist and I have talked about like introvert, extrovert, um, like, you know, am I extroverted? Am I introverted? And I've kind of had to think like, so I was always told I was extroverted. And then I started to think, like, I get really exhausted by all of that. So maybe I'm introverted. But then is it really about being extroverted or introverted, or is it just that like I'm preferring to pull back because I feel like I am in these spaces where I am constantly having to like meter myself and it's exhausting. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 35:52

Yeah, I haven't thought about it that way before. Because do you should you show up differently?

SPEAKER_00 35:57

Um like there's just this level of energy that it requires when you have to perform, basically. Like I mean, it is performing in a sense, right? Where you're having to like manage the how other people are perceiving you, like how you're showing up. Um, instead of just getting to kind of it's part of why I like the beach. You go to the beach and you just sit on the beach and you enjoy the beach and the fish don't judge.

SPEAKER_03 36:27

At least we hope they don't.

SPEAKER_00 36:29

If they do, they don't speak gen.

SPEAKER_03 36:31

So safe space.

SPEAKER_00 36:33

Safe space. The birds, they judge. The fish don't judge.

SPEAKER_03 36:39

Well, I do so I wanted to us to talk about this piece around safety and this co-regulation because um I found it interesting, this concept around um our body remembers um safety, the people that we can be safe with. And I had never really thought about it before. And so as I looked a little bit more into it, it's this idea that like healing doesn't only happen alone. And so um we've talked about how this emotional regulation, like you can borrow energy from people, you can find calm. Um, our nervous systems actually can influence one another. But I thought what was um some of the examples that were um provided um were ones that I had never really thought about before. So a baby's nervous system learns safety through its caregiver. I am, I've not had children. Um, and so I have not thought about this concept much, but that idea of like um a baby crying and the mom, the dad, you know, a loved one comes and picks them up and they instantly stop crying. Like it's start it, it is that caregiving connection and they can learn to regulate. Like I had never thought about that because they're not understanding what you're saying yet, right? Because they're babies. They don't, they don't know the words yet. Um, but it's that energy and that connection that you have. Um, it and then the it went further to talk about how it's the friend that you like when you're having a tough day, you pick up the phone and you call them. And you don't, you may not know why you're calling them because you may not want to talk about your day, but it's actually because you know how they're gonna show up for you. And like subconsciously, your body just needs that. And I just I thought that was so fascinating because we've we have talked about this idea of co-regulation before, but to me, oh, it was something like a more of a purposeful interaction almost, where this is to me, it's like, oh, our subconscious also does this, it seeks this out for that.

SPEAKER_00 38:50

You know, it's so funny. As you're talking about this, this is what I'm thinking about. You know those movies where there are people that are in like this long-term relationship and they decide to break up and then they like comfort each other, like hug each other. Um, you know, in the sadness of breaking up. I never could understand that. I was like, why would like why would you do that? Like you're just broke, like you're the reason I'm sad. So how could you comfort me? Um, but you know, when when Ace and I have a disagreement or a fight, it's I want a hug from him. Like it's him. I mean, me, if I'm like, you know, in the height of my emotion, I need to not be touched. You know, once I've come down from that mountain, which happens, you know, a lot faster these days than it used to, um, it's him that I that I want the comfort from. Like he is my safe place. He is the um the, you know, so I I understand these movies better now. Like, yeah, how could you um want to be comforted by the person? Not that Ace and I are breaking up, because like let me just tell you, that is not gonna happen.

SPEAKER_03 40:04

I mean, I wasn't wondering if it was, but I appreciate the the confidence and the confirmation.

SPEAKER_00 40:11

I mean, how would I survive?

SPEAKER_03 40:14

I don't think you would.

SPEAKER_00 40:15

I don't think it would. No, I think you would, but I'd uh I I am a survivor, but how would I be happy?

SPEAKER_03 40:21

Yes, exactly. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 40:23

And I mean he certainly wouldn't be happy without me, obviously, Doc.

SPEAKER_03 40:26

Obviously not. Obviously.

SPEAKER_00 40:28

How would he be entertained? It's very true. It's very true. Um, you know, like it is it's it's interesting. You talk about this, like the right relationships become anchors during times of stress. There's one person that I that I want, you know, to help pull me back um you know, into myself, and that's that's Ace. He's my person. He is my ultimate chosen family. I did choose him. Right, and so put a ring on it.

SPEAKER_03 41:00

That was a choice.

SPEAKER_00 41:01

That was a choice. It was a choice. It was a great choice, thank you.

SPEAKER_03 41:05

It was, it was such a good choice. You two are great together.

SPEAKER_00 41:09

We are great together.

SPEAKER_03 41:10

Although your engagement story is very funny to listen to and hear your uh experience. So if you haven't listened to that episode, go check it out.

SPEAKER_00 41:20

This is not the place to tie your shoe. What are you doing?

SPEAKER_03 41:25

He's like, I'm not trying to tie my shoe, lady. So when our nervous systems, if if you think about this like in this way, that our nervous systems do start to create um these anchors out of these relationships, people who we feel safe with. Um, it's also important to understand that if you are coming out of um a difficult relationship or connection with people, whether that's, you know, rejection um from your birth family, whether that's rejection from someone you're dating, um uh it can you can learn something new. You can move through that. I think, Jen, you talked um earlier about like making sure that you're processing that stuff so that you are doing it in a healthy manner and then not like trying to attach in an incorrect way um in other spaces. But we actually can learn something new. And I think this idea around um, you know, love shouldn't be conditional. And I think that's where this kind of gets hard and it kind of takes me back to um wicked and in the song Divine Gravity. One of the like lyrics that really stands out to me a lot is um uh Alphaba is singing, um, too long I've been afraid of losing love, I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost. And I think I think a lot of people probably resonate with that line because you begin to see like, if this is who I am and you don't accept me as I am, yeah, how is that love? How is that and and if I was birthed to you or if if we're in this relationship and we said we'd always be there for one another and we'd show up for each other, but now all of a sudden your love comes with these conditions, it can be hard to kind of break through that.

SPEAKER_00 43:27

Yeah, you know, there are some languages that have multiple words to describe love. Um, and I have often felt that I need different words to describe love because we use love kind of generically to encompass a lot of different things. And um, there are times where I have felt like it waters down w the meaning of that, like waters down what I s feel when I say um. you know, those words. And um, you know, I'm not just talking about, oh, I love chocolate cake and I love my husband. I mean, I do love both of those things.

SPEAKER_03 44:10

Um But in very different ways.

SPEAKER_00 44:15

Some similar, I don't know. But um but I do think that um you know I I do think that the relationships that we have with people, you can love people in different ways at different levels. Like the the love that I have for Ace and the love that I have for you, it like it doesn't require anything in return. It doesn't require any caveats around it. It doesn't um you it it feels like it means something different. And these are things that I didn't understand early in life. Like I didn't understand that, you know, all that love could be. What it means to be in love can mean different things and it grows more deeply over time. But um I do think um I I also think you you use music a lot, I think to like give you the words I choose the sad songs. So I don't use music. It's like I said we were listening to the fray who I have long loved the fray. I mean like 20 plus years I have loved the fray. And we have been to so many concerts and um Ace had it on and I was listening to it the other day and I was like wow these songs are really sad. And he just he was like sometimes I don't know if you're just screwing with me like 20 years. Have you just realized this? Have you just like I've every time you listen to these songs this is what I hear. And I'm like no I don't know. I just occurs to me now that these songs are very sad. Um but for me I like I love affirmations you know that and um my belief is that if if the words that I need to do away with got stuck in my mind um then I can choose ones I like better and put those in my mind. And I think in um reading the book The Help and watching the movie, the um you know the character that's telling the the child like you are smart, you are kind you are special, like that has so stood out to me as something that like not only can I do that for others, I can do that for myself. And if you tell yourself that enough you're gonna start to believe it. Like that breaks through all of those those things from your past that you unconsciously learned. Like whether it's words or whether it's like sentiment like I need to be perfect to be loved. Like it's that's not true. But you may still be hanging on to that um parts of you. And so you can teach yourself um that's actually not true. You are loved for all of you, including and sometimes because of the way that you are imperfect.

SPEAKER_03 47:22

Yeah. We talked last week about neuroplast neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity I'm now trying to spit it out here. But it's it's it's that idea that we can retrain our brains. We do have the ability to push beyond the things that are stuck in our head. I love how you said that because I think that's such a the what are the things that we are saying to ourselves? Why is that our narrative? And we actually do have more power to change that narrative than I think we give ourselves the authority to do so.

SPEAKER_00 47:59

Yeah no like look it takes a lot of repetition it takes commitment it takes the desire to want to change it like that's I think where it starts is you have to want to change it, then you have to be willing to become aware of it. And then you have to just stay on repeat and kind of have some tenacity tenacity about it. I mean I like this is something that I think I've shared before I was I had been interviewing for a job years ago and um like this was a real struggle for me even though I teach other people to do this and like I love being on the other side of the table. But um like being the one that's being that's that's like putting themselves out there looking for a job, I was really struggling with this feeling of like in inferiority and like I I know cognitively that I'm good at what I do, but why would anyone want to choose me? And um like this the unchosen the unchosable um like wearing this coat of the unchusable. And um I was given homework by my therapist to um say you know affirmations about how I was really good at what I did. And um I would be a great choice and people you know would be lucky to have me on their team. And so I would go on my walk and I would say these things and it like I would be crying because it was so hard to say and it just felt so unreal. But I made myself say it out loud anyways because you know using more senses helps it become more real. Right. Um and I remember asking my therapist like how long does it take before this finally starts to like feel real because I don't like to cry. And um I feel like I cry every time I say these things. And that upsets me that I feel this way about myself. And um you know he was like you know you just gotta do it until you don't feel that anymore. And I was like well that is not the answer I wanted. I wanted like do it this many times and then you will have there are this many stairs to the top of the mountain. And so what you can count them all and once you count them off you'll be there. It's not how this self-improvement journey works. Apparently you just have to do it until it works. You just have to do it until it works. But I will tell you that there was a point at which saying those words out loud, I started to believe them. Like I actually started to believe those things were true. And then I was dealing with like do I have ego is this you created a whole set of other issues for yourself is this what it means to be egotistical to like have confidence in myself and I had to learn like no that's actually like really misused you know when you're young um and you know smart and uh like a go getter I think people assign you as having ego when really you're just like they're jealous. And and that doesn't that didn't come out right I don't think but you know so I think a lot of people confuse confidence for ego and um and then we're taught like oh don't have confidence because that's ego it's actually not um so I don't know how I got on this side tangent.

SPEAKER_03 51:20

But um no but I think it's like that that we you know talked about how we have the right to choose who we want to be and we don't always have to stick with who we're told we are. And I think that's the reason why power um chosen family is so powerful is because they often meet the version of us that we have chosen to become or that we are on the journey.

SPEAKER_00 51:43

Let me call you while I was on the way to that interview. I will never forget that I was on the way to a particular interview that I was really intimidated to go to and I just was my very full self. And you didn't judge me for it. You're we're still friends. You were like Jen, I need you to pull your pull it together.

SPEAKER_03 52:04

Get it together woman I probably actually did say that I am pretty sure you did.

SPEAKER_00 52:11

And then you said a lot of nice things and I borrowed your words because I didn't have my own to tell myself about what I was worth and then it ended up not being right for me. But um you know I do think my point here is that you can choose to tell yourself different words. Eventually you will believe them. You need to sometimes have other people tell you those words until you believe them. But you get to choose that you get to choose that.

SPEAKER_03 52:38

You do. And I think the best relationships aren't the ones where you never change like I don't want to I don't want to throw that out that like consistency is this like you're always the same person. You never change you always show up the same way. Like I don't to me that's not consistent. Whenever you I'm stagnant. Yeah. And so it's being with people who help you on that journey. They're the ones the people who make room for you to evolve. And I think that's a lot of what we have done for each other over the last couple of years is we've taken on this podcast is we've created space for us to learn and grow together and challenge one another um in in a safe space that allows us to to say ooh I don't really like that or that's uncomfortable for me. But why?

SPEAKER_00 53:26

And what what's the story you're telling yourself like you know yeah absolutely and I mean it's somebody that can go on the journey with you right um or you know at least like fly into the hub cities and meet you along the way. Yeah. But like Chris let let's talk about why are we talking about this during Pride Month?

SPEAKER_03 53:46

Like why is this so the chosen family why is this so important um that we chose our our very last uh uh our final Pride Month episode to spend talking about this right so within the LGBTQ community chosen family isn't just a nice idea it's actually part of what has helped the community to survive you've created these spaces for people who may have been rejected by their families who were kicked out or who were thrown out even um there are people who move away so that they can go start the life that they that they dreamed of because they didn't see that they could live that life proudly in the space that they were born into. And because these spaces were created you begin to create these relationships and and this idea of the people who show up for you and um the more that we were talking about this and thinking about this idea it just like dawned on me that this isn't like just unique to the LGBTQ plus community. It's actually several and as someone who moved to a different city like I came out or I moved after I came out and I had a great like base of friends where I lived but then I I moved to this new space and it's like all of a sudden I know no one so then how do I start creating my community here? Um and now I do I have a great group of friends who I consider to be my chosen family here.

SPEAKER_01 55:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 55:14

Um but you know it it's also someone who may be going through a divorce like your dynamic and your what you consider to be family may shift a little bit. Um the the person who's starting a new job and you had a really great network of of co-workers that you all I know a lot of people throw this around like this idea of trauma bonding at work but like you live through experiences and you you do create those connections um and and all of those things are life changes that I think we don't give ourselves credit for and really look at this as like building a community, building a chosen family that helps support us in spaces.

SPEAKER_00 55:55

Yeah absolutely well and I do think you have to be really thoughtful about you can meet people that become a part of your chosen family anywhere. But I think as you get to know people and this is sort of the art of what we sort of forget how do you like make new friends as an adult we've talked about this before. But you know you should choose wisely who you surround yourself and your most inner circle with and not everybody has to be that most inner circle kind of friend um but you know that energy starts to become like and seep in to you. And so you get to actually choose what you surround yourself with. And it doesn't mean you're going, well, nope, this person, they're just not good enough to be my chosen family. It just means like not everybody is in that same space in life. Not everybody fits all of the same values in life and you know you can still be friends but you know who you reserve that innermost like familial bond with it you you do you should be thoughtful about it because you are most vulnerable with those people and you're giving them the most trust in order to, you know, so they have the most ability to hurt you too. And so in order to protect protect your happiness and invest in your happiness, like one of the things that I was surprised to learn over the last few years is you actually get to choose how much you let people in. It's not an all or nothing. It's not like a light switch where it's on or off. It has a dimmer on it and you can choose how much you let them in and still be your authentic self. And to me that was a whole new concept I did not get that I thought it was just like on or off interrupt.

SPEAKER_03 57:46

I do think this con this I if you think about it as like building a table. So if you're building this community this family and you're inviting everyone over for dinner who are you inviting um and and what are they br like what are they bringing? And so like you may already be on this journey but it's who are the people that are completely honest with you who are the people who build you up and who make time for you. They don't they don't just like wait for you to reach out like it's it's this critical relationship that you are for one another who celebrates your growth instead of feeling threatened by it. Like I love that you said you get to choose because you get to choose who you have at your table. You get to choose who's invited.

SPEAKER_00 58:33

I mean for you I just bring my fold out chair and sit down at your table. Invite me or not I'm here. I'm coming over um but really like you do get to choose who's at your table and um you know when you're when you are not getting your needs met by the the people that share your DNA um or if you don't have those people anymore it like yeah it that's hard. But also it's not the end of your story. You get to write another chapter. So um you know and you owe it to yourself to do that because you know we all only get so much time on this earth and we should spend it being as happy as we are capable of being and we have more power over that than I think we often realize.

SPEAKER_03 59:23

Absolutely. And I think the beautiful thing about being a human and living in this exciting world that we get to be in every day is that we get to keep creating our table. We get to pull up another chair if we meet someone who who like pours into us and we feel that connection with um we get to make room for people who show up exactly as they are and we want to show up for them. And I think like that's why it was important that we have this conversation is is that sometimes you may not get that out of the family or community you were born into.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:03

Well yeah and when we talk about inclusion and belonging and you know there's all these different you know ways to define belonging in similar you know but slightly different ways I think like really simply what is belonging it's not finding a place where you have to become somebody else to be loved obviously I think instead it's finding the people who help you become more of who you already are like they they help help you evolve into more of who you already are um that's that's what belonging means.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:37

They turn that dimmer up yes to bring bring it back to the light switch example.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:46

So Chris thank you for being a part of my chosen family. Thank you for um you know filling the chairs around my table and uh being that person that you know makes me a better version of myself. I I appreciate that.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:00

Yeah we we're we're some of the lucky ones I'd say we have found we have found each other.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:06

Yes I would agree with that. And so we would love to hear from you guys. Like do you have a chosen family? Do you have family? How um do you think about chosen family? How do you go about finding your chosen family? We would love to hear um all of your thoughts and reactions depending on what platform you're listening to us on you can leave a comment we love to read those and respond. You can reach us via email at connect at chris and genitm.com if you're spelling it with two ends it only has one uh chris and gen with one nitm.com um or you can text us at 940-278-8129.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:48

And don't forget to follow us on all those social platforms that we talked about earlier YouTube, Instagram, Facebook. You can find us under Chris and Jen ITM. Again that's Jen with one N and ITM stands for in the morning. Yeah we didn't want to make you type out the whole thing that was a lot instead of typing um so yeah feel free to like follow subscribe comment share all of the things I do think Jen we really should dive into that um the spelling of Jen because I believe you spell your full name with two N's so you just like chopped one off and forgot about the other one I mean Jen is one N or six N's it is not in between one or six well until next time be kind to yourself to one another and make it a great week.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:37

Bye everybody That's Jen with one end with one end signing off Jen Jen She's starting a motorcycle