Tips for Rootedness: Finding Meaning

In this episode, Kiran Prasad explores the topic of finding purpose and meaning after loss. How suffering is a crucial part of healing. Kiran shares personal anecdotes and insights from her own life as well of from others including Josh Berger, a previous guest on the show, grief expert David Kessler,  Holocaust survivor and psychologist Viktor Frankl, and from the Japanese concept of Ikegai. How helping others, as well as our attitude towards suffering can help us find meaning.  

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This podcast may contain sensitive material that may not be suitable for everyone. Information shared is based on personal experiences and not meant to replace medical or other professional help. Hi everyone, welcome to the Uprooted by Unwanted Change podcast. I'm Kiran, your host, and you'll have the opportunity in this episode to get to know me a bit more as a person rather than as an interviewer. You'll gain insights from my own unwanted changes. And if you haven't tuned in before, every other Tuesday we'll have a guest on the show. And I had one last Tuesday. In between that, interspersed with that, I have my Tips for Rootedness series for times when I don't have a guest like now. These tips are ways to help ground ourselves again after it feels like the floor's gone from underneath our feet. Today's tips for rootedness are about finding meaning, which is also the sixth stage of grief, as I spoke about in the grief episode. If you haven't listened to that episode, you would probably get much more out of this by first listening to that earlier episode on grief. In these challenging times, we can feel like we're lost in a sea of uncertainty, and life can feel like it lacks meaning. We all seem to be searching for purpose and meaning. You just have to look around at how many books, workshops, and retreats there are on the topic! I've learned that meaning doesn't come from something external. It's there inside of us and simply needs uncovering. In my experience, times of uncertainty and deep suffering, those are really the times when we can uncover it more easily. I love the analogy of uh growing from our suffering like the lotus growing from the mud. world renowned grief expert David Kessler, he talks about Post-Traumatic Growth. That's something I'd never heard of before. Had you? He says it's way more common than Post-Traumatic Stress. Post-Traumatic Growth is the positive psychological changes we can experience after trauma, including being able to find meaning, and to create a meaningful life. A transformation where we come out of it with a greater sense of connection, resilience, compassion, and appreciation for life. That really makes a lot of sense because I've often found that people who've overcome intense trauma are some of the most compassionate people. They're aligned with their meaning and they know who they essentially are. You probably know somebody like that too. We'll talk about one individual who's like that a little bit later in this episode. The pain of loss and trauma, it can uproot our identity. It can shake us up and make us question who we are now. In my relocation book, I describe how after a move, after the boxes are unpacked, and all our furniture has been reassembled, we might find the need to reassemble our self. Because our religious beliefs, political affiliations, everything can change. And we can feel lost. Josh Berger, our guest on the job loss episode, he shared that so much of his identity had been tied with his work. He said, work is such a big part of our identities, especially as Americans. He was devastated when he was furloughed from his job. He went through this intense grieving period in which he struggled with his mental health and his self-worth. Our society, we really measure success through these things and we get attached to them. So when we lose a role or feel we're being replaced by someone else, whether in the workplace or in relationships, it can be so painful. Feeling unwanted can put us in a dark place. But we can gain hope by valuing our own uniqueness and what we have to offer the world that only we can do. To know that if not right now, then sometime in the near future, there are people waiting to benefit from what we have to offer. Yep, I've been there myself feeling worthless. You may have been there too. A few years ago, I joined a Toastmasters club to develop my public speaking skills when I was feeling a lack of self-worth. I gave an Icebreaker speech to introduce myself. It was called I Am, and it's about the roles we play and labels we stick on ourselves. To give the speech, I literally stuck labels all over myself. You know, the kind we wear when we introduce ourselves at groups or meetings that say,"Hello my name is..." And on each sticker, I wrote a word. Daughter. Pet owner. Wife. Teacher. I had lost all of these roles that I identified with that had given my life meaning. One by one, I peeled off each of these stickers or labels and questioned, who am I now without those roles? Because anything that we add after the words I am... I am this or I am that is temporary and it can be taken away from us at any time. As I've experienced. So who are we without those titles and roles? Perhaps all that remains is the essential I AM. With each unwanted change, I found myself shedding a layer of who I once was. And while that shedding felt excruciating at the time, it made way for transformation. It's not a bad thing. Especially if we're shedding something superficial or our false selves that we created. It can help bring us to our true essence of being. It's when we connect with our authentic self and use our skills and passions that we can truly find meaning after loss. This makes me think of the Japanese concept of Ikigai. It's a practice of reflecting on who we are and what we love, to find our purpose or reason for being. For what us up in the morning and brings us joy. The Ike part means life or to live and gai means worth or purpose. In the West, we tend to use this concept in the scope of finding the perfect career. And we can invest thousands on assessments, maybe on workshops too, and coaches. Some people might quit their job and sell their belongings to find some monumental purpose, like in the movie "Eat, Pray, Love." Great movie, by the way! And in Japan, Ikigai is more subtle and seen as our simple daily pleasures, meaningful relationships, interests. or personal purpose in our day-to-day life. It's this simpler interpretation of Ikigai that's more in line with what Viktor Frankl describes in Man's Search for Meaning, a very profoundly impactful book. And you've probably heard of it and maybe even read it. Holocaust survivor and psychologist Viktor Frankl says, finding meaning is a primary human drive of ours. He himself, he's an incredible example of finding meaning in the most horrific conditions. Talk about being stripped of your identity! As a Jewish prisoner in Nazi concentration camps, he was stripped of everything that we usually gain meaning from and identify ourselves with, including worldly possessions, his clothes. even his hair and his name. Can you just can you imagine surviving such immense loss? I think most of us would struggle with having to just have our phone taken away! Frankl survived four concentration camps and demonstrates that even after the most unimaginable suffering, we can find meaning. It's amazing how he did that. At first, he clung to the hope that the rest of his family were still alive. Sadly, he discovered that most of them were dead. So how then was he able to find a reason to live? He says that everything can be taken away from us except for the last of the human freedom, to choose our attitude in any given circumstance. That's how we can retain inner freedom and liberty when we don't have it yet on the outside. He later founded Logotherapy, a certain form of psychotherapy to help people create meaning in their life by taking responsibility for their choices and actions. He says, no matter how bad the situation, we can discover our meaning in life through these three ways. I'm going to go through these ways and also share some of my own experiences with these. The first way is engaging in purposeful activities, usually by creating something or simply doing a good deed for someone. It's about contributing to something greater than ourselves and feeling useful. Josh Berger said during the Pandemic, after being furloughed from his job, the most effective way that he found to liberate himself from his feelings of grief was to step outside of himself and do something for someone else. He did that by volunteering at his local synagogue. And this got me thinking back to what I did during the Pandemic when the world shut down. You might be thinking that as well. Uh, at first, I felt purposeless like the rest of us. Because I didn't have a job or vocation at the time. Then one of the first things I did was to reread Man's Search for Meaning. I wasn't the only one because it was a really popular book during Lockdown when we felt like prisoners in our own homes and we lacked meaning. I remember when my friends were sewing masks for healthcare workers. I really admired what they were doing. I thought, what a great way to get through this time by helping others. But sewing isn't something I like to do or I'm great at. So I was desperate to find something like that as well, where I could use my skills. Eventually I did. I found a volunteer opportunity where I had to record videos of myself reading stories for young kids at a shelter. I didn't even know how to create videos and I didn't have access to any children's books either. Somehow, I managed to find a way. Then I later wanted to help the greater community of children who were out of school. As a mother and school teacher myself, I really felt for children, parents, caregivers, and teachers with schools being shut down. So I created a YouTube channel. Auntie Kiran Reads and Sings reading stories and singing action rhymes. And funnily enough, I had more adults listening to these and telling me that they found comfort from them than probably children were listening to these. Just the songs remain online now. Because publishers had given us just this temporary permission to use their copyrighted works. My hope is that these videos continue to help children facing difficult times. Creating these had given me purpose and a reason to wake up each morning during such a bleak time in our lives. I really don't know what I would have done without that. I thoroughly enjoyed it. And on Zoom calls, people were surprised at how happy I looked. I think that was also because I'd come to an acceptance of the situation I found myself in. I feel most aligned with my purpose and who I essentially am as a person when I'm helping others, like right now in creating this podcast. I think one of the biggest indicators that we are in our purpose, at least it's been like that for me, is when we're in the zone. Going with the flow rather than how I was before swimming against the current like salmon. That's how we can know that we're following our purpose, I think. Viktor Frankl says the second way to create meaning and a sense of fulfillment is through the appreciation of goodness, truth, culture, and beauty as in nature and art. Or in the uniqueness of someone. Seeing their potential and making them aware of it. During the Pandemic we saw a greater, much greater appreciation and creation of art, music, food, and experiences while we were all striving to find meaning. I think that was a really special time when so much of that was happening. As for helping others see their potential, 80 year old Shirley was the person who helped Josh Berger realize his potential and purpose. For me, each time I work with one of my special needs students, tutoring them, these students who lack confidence and self-worth, it's so rewarding to see them realize their full potential. I really live for that. Maslow describes this well. It's something I've written extensively about in my book about Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory. It basically says that we have needs that can be ranked in layers that form a pyramid. With physiological needs for air, food, and water at the base of the pyramid, and self-actualization needs for realizing our true potential and to find self-fulfillment at the very top. Although it's now thought that there's a need above that of self-transcendence. Uh, basically once we've reached our true potential, we have the need, further need to help others to fulfill theirs. The third way recognizes that while suffering is unavoidable in life, it's our attitude towards it that determines whether we're able to find meaning from it. Frankl shares how he witnessed the worst of humanity, not just from the prison guards, but also from other prisoners. And he made a conscious decision, and that became his purpose. That while he couldn't control the situation he found himself in, uh what he could control were his thoughts and behavior. That's where he found his freedom. Unlike most other prisoners, he decided that his purpose was to get through this situation as gracefully as possible. He would not allow himself to turn on other prisoners. And instead, he showed them humanity. So our purpose at any time could be simply that. Getting through our struggle as best as we can, our personal struggle. Or in these days with all that we're dealing with in our world, to just remember to be kinder and more loving towards others, to show that grace. I hope that the concept of Ikigai, as well as the teachings of Viktor Frankl, have inspired you when life feels purposeless. Too many of us, we put off finding our purpose because it feels just too grand or lofty. It seems unattainable. But as you've seen, finding meaning doesn't have to be something huge. It can be something small and can change with our circumstances. It isn't necessarily dependent on finances either or the perfect conditions. It's accessible to us at any time. That's why I'm now going to invite you to put this into action right now, by asking yourself, how you can make today, even just today, more meaningful. Our next guest, Soleil Bogan is an incredibly strong and positive young woman who has struggled with her own identity and purpose after losing her fiance to cancer. She shares her story of how she rose from the mud to grow new shoots. I'd love it if you can tune in next Tuesday for the first part of her two part story, Uprooted by Cancer, Twice. Also I want to say, if you have a question or topic you'd like me to cover on the podcast, or if you or someone you know would like to be a guest on the show, please contact me via my website, jaskiranprasad.com You just put a jas in front of my first name, Kiran. It's in the show notes as well. As some of you might know, I'm a brand new podcaster and I'd love to keep improving. Here's how you can help. Please share, subscribe, and provide feedback via the Uprooted by Unwanted Change Facebook group. See you next Tuesday! May you find peace and rootedness.