Uprooted by Cancer, Twice (Pt 1)

This conversation explores the topic of cancer, sickness, caregiving, and death. Specifically of a young fiance, Soleil Bogan, trying to navigate her way through grief, identity, and a sense of belonging in the widow space. The importance of family and community support in navigating life's challenges. Kiran and Soleil share their personal experiences with loss, caregiving, self-care, and the healing power of cultural connections and shared passions. They discuss the significance of honoring memories, the complexities of grief, and the strategies for finding strength and support in difficult times. Through her story, Soleil highlights the importance of communication, connection, and choice, the three C's of Grief, and the enduring impact of love in the face of adversity.

Contact information for Soleil Bogan:

SoleilBoganSpeaks@gmail.com

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Transcript

0:01

Today's episode contains very sensitive material on the topic of cancer, sickness, death, and may not be suitable for everyone. Information shared is based on personal experiences and not meant to replace medical or other professional help. He loved any holiday or theme and somehow he had a themed t-shirt or hat, something along the lines of whatever event we were going to, whether it was Thanksgiving, he had a turkey hat. Just there was a theme to everything for him. When we had first started hanging out and, you know, casually going on dates, he had let me know that he had just been diagnosed with stage four Melanoma, just a few weeks prior. Me being the young 24 year old that I was, all I heard was hopeful prognosis and said, okay, well, what's the worst that could happen? What do you do when it feels like the rug's been pulled from underneath your feet? In fact, the whole floor. Welcome to the Uprooted by Unwanted Change podcast about managing life transitions. I'm Kiran Prasad, teacher, speaker, and author of A Mindful Move, Feel at Home Again, based on my 29 house moves. On each episode, we'll focus on a topic of unwanted change with guests sharing stories of resilience and insights into how they navigated their journeys. Together, we'll discover a community of inspiring individuals and create a system of support for one another. We have one such individual with us today. Soleil Bogan, welcome Soleil. And welcome listeners. Today our episode is Uprooted by Cancer, Twice. This is part one of a two part episode. Sadly, this is an episode so many of you will relate to because we all know someone who's got sick from or died from cancer, including my brother-in-law, my sister's husband, who we lost when my nephews were still fairly young. Soleil, I appreciate you sharing about your experiences and insight with us today. It takes a lot of courage, a lot of strength. Let's begin with you sharing a bit about yourself. Hi, Kiran. Thanks so much for including me and for helping me honor Matt's life by sharing just a bit about him with others. A little about me. I was born and raised in sunny Southern California as part of a very close-knit family who all live within just a few miles of each other. I grew up Polynesian dancing. So as an adult now, I am a Hula practitioner, studying the Hawaiian culture through language, music, and dance. And I've even recently tapped into my Hispanic roots by dancing Ballet Folklorico, so that's been new and really exciting for me. And I've always loved to dance as it brings me joy and I love bringing joy to others through dance as well. I have worked for my family's small business for 10 years now and I've truly loved being able to work, alongside my grandfather before he passed, my parents and my brother for a time as well. These days, I enjoy spending time with my sweet husband. We love to spend time out in nature and camping. We love to cruise on the bike path or even just hang at home in the backyard playing fetch with our dog. And we live a very simple yet fulfilling life and we enjoy our neighborhood and all it has to offer. I'm very family oriented, so having our families so close really allows us to spend a lot of time with them. How lovely. First, I want to say how much I love your name. If I remember from my French correctly, it means the sun, right? My name actually matches yours. It means a ray of sun. Yep. Yep, it's meant to be. the And seems like another thing we have in common is actually our love of dancing. I love Hula and I'm taking classes right now. While, you're a practitioner of it. I mean, what a coincidence. Learning that now, that was really special. Yeah, and I was just curious what's Folklorica? Folklorico? Am I pronouncing that correctly? Yes, Ballet Folklorico so that is uh Mexican folk dancing. So you've probably seen it, think the big floofy skirts, you know, kind of flying through the air to Mariachi music. But all the different states of Mexico have very specific dances, you know, Veracruz is going to be different than Jalisco. I'll send you some pictures later, but Yeah, I'd love that. It's, it's very fun. It's like Hula. It's a great workout. And, um, you know, again, learning my native language that I learned when I was a kid, but went to school and lost everything, unfortunately. Um, so being immersed in my culture and my family's language has been really cool as an adult. That's really nice. Um and I wanted to say it's rare these days to see a close-knit, multi-generational family like yours living and working together. It seems quite a blessing. And tell us about Matt, who became part of that circle of yours. How did you meet him? And what was it that you loved about him? Feel free to share a favorite memory or so. Yes, so in my early 20s around the time when I met him, I felt like I really had difficulty finding my people. I really didn't mind flying solo and I had enough confidence in myself to go out and do things on my own, but I had a hard time finding a solid group of people in that age group that I really meshed with. So in my early 20s, I was 21. I packed my bags and moved to Seattle on my own for the change of pace, the change of scenery and to just try something on my own. Um, so that was a great time. I loved the Pacific Northwest. I enjoy going back and visiting there as I have some family up there as well. And just really enjoyed that time, but it was time for me to move home. And so a few years later I did and I had met Matt just a little bit after I had gotten home in early August of 2016. Matt and I had grown up at the same church and he was actually my brother's Junior High small group leader. So he was always just kind of around at the peripheral of my life, but he was older than me. So, we really didn't hang out much growing up, but in adulthood we you re-met and really hit it off. About Matt, he is a total social butterfly. He kept many groups of friends and he was really good at being a friend to each and every one of them, which I feel is difficult for me to do. So it was really neat to see him just naturally be a friend to those around him. He had his kickball crew, his coworkers, his church friends, his Yaya's, which is a huge, multi-generational group of his parents' best family friends that have all been in each other's lives for probably close to 50 years now. They've all grown up together, got married, raised their kids, and now there's grandkids. And so to be a part of that group is a blessing. And Matt even has had his own lifelong friends that he has been close with since he was in preschool. He was really a loyal friend to everyone around him, which was a blessing for me to be a part of both while he was alive and after he passed. Um, Matt was silly. He didn't have a serious bone in his body and his laugh was absolutely contagious. He loved to play music with his friends, to surf, to fish, anything in the water. Um, he was the life of the party and a total prankster. He loved any holiday or theme and somehow he had a themed t-shirt or hat, something along the lines of whatever event we were going to, whether it was Thanksgiving, he had a turkey hat. Just there was a theme to everything for him. I really loved to watch him bring joy to so many people through his music, jokes, and even just his laughter as it was so contagious. When we had first started hanging out and, you know, casually going on dates, he had let me know that he had just been diagnosed with stage four Melanoma, just a few weeks prior. That was in July of 2016 and we met mere weeks later. And, you know, he was still learning more about his diagnosis at the time, but that his prognosis was really hopeful and that he would be starting treatment soon. Me being the young 24 year old that I was, all I heard was hopeful prognosis and said, okay, well, what's the worst that could happen? And, you know, just quickly fell in love with Matt. I fell in love with his family and his friends. It really felt natural to me to move forward with our relationship, regardless of his diagnosis. Wow, you really sound like such a positive person because I think a lot of people would want to run the other way hearing something like that. But it's, I think it's a testament to your love for him. And Matt sounds like a beautiful soul that everyone was drawn to. That must have been even more painful for not just you, but for his whole family. I really feel for you all to see such a a young man full of life deteriorate in front of your very eyes. What was it like for you to become a caregiver in your 20s? Because to take on that role that no one expects at that stage in their life. And how involved were you in his healthcare? Yeah. So, you know, we had a fun and normal dating life, you know, aside from the many trips accompanying him to hours of immunotherapy. Immuno was a type of treatment that uses the person's own immune system to fight cancer. So at that time it was an experimental treatment of immunotherapy, an outpatient procedure that would you know, be hours long. And then we'd go home and he'd be on a daily oral chemotherapy. Alongside that, he underwent Gamma Knife Radiosurgery for the tumors in his brain. Um, you know, there's many pictures of Matt and even online, if you Google With all of those treatments, the daily chemo was what really took a toll on his body physically. He was always nauseous. He was vomiting all the time and just was completely exhausted. At that time, a lot of our plans were really up in the air because we just didn't know how he was going to feel on any given day. So we sometimes missed out on important events or fun things like weddings or birthday parties because of him being so sick. That was really hard for me at times because I do love a good party as did Matt. And I truly value, you know, getting people together to celebrate. And so I know that was really hard for both of us to miss out on things and even worse for him as he was sick through all of it. So um naturally I'm a helper and definitely sometimes to a fault, so caring for him really came natural to me. While it was exhausting, I really wouldn't have had it any other way. During those sick times at home, if I wasn't, you know, on the bathroom floor with him rubbing his back while he was throwing up um or cleaning him up or the bathroom up afterwards while he went to sleep, um I was researching the best ways to bring him comfort the best I could as I wasn't in the medical field and felt at a loss for what to do. But caregiving became second nature to me and I found this balancing act of okay, let me take a note of what's making him sick and when. Researching what could help alleviate that symptom and concocting something to help him feel better. The anti-nausea meds really only did so much. So any other comfort I could bring him, I really tried to do. And I did that through organic foods, fresh pressed juices, aromatherapy. We tried yoga, you know, fresh air, just anything that could help, we tried. So I was at every doctor's appointment, scan and treatment alongside his mom and one of his best friends who is a registered nurse. And it really was a team effort to care for Matt as everyone brought something different to the table to help him in his battle against cancer. Oh wow, that must have been very difficult and tough as a caregiver. I'm so glad you had this team effort. It can be so draining otherwise. I was trying to understand your situation, like um where was he living? Where was his family? And were you working at the time? And if you had other things to juggle in your life as well? Yeah, so at the time um when we had met, Matt was living, gosh, I'm going to say maybe a 30 second drive from my parents' house where I was living. And so that was with a group of friends. And then, uh you know, as his illness progressed, he moved in with his best friend into an apartment. So it was just them two. And that was maybe a five minute drive from my parents' house where I was living. He uh you know, towards the end wasn't working. And so he was, you know, really supported by his family who lived out of state, but was flying in for every appointment, scan, treatment. And um he, he had, his siblings that lived here and parents were out of state. And that group of Yaya's, they, pull through for everything. It is so incredible whether it's someone is ill or there's a wedding, funeral, you name it, they are there and everything they do is beautiful and they come out in droves to support. Um, I was working at the time. Uh luckily I work for my parents' family owned business and I've been there for 10 years as I've noted, and um at the time that balancing act was so difficult of, okay, I have to leave and then come back. Um, didn't want to leave, but had to. And, luckily working for my parents, I was able to hire some assistance in the shop where I was working. And so that gave me more freedom to be at the hospital or, you know wherever Matt was. That's I'm so glad it was a team effort because caregiving can be tough and draining. I've experienced it myself when my father was dying, and know how caregivers are so focused on the person who is sick, that they can forget about themselves, neglect their own needs. That's why I was wondering, were you able to practice any self care at that time? You know, finding time for myself was really difficult, especially at that age. Um, again like you, I'm a helper and a people pleaser to a fault at times. So anytime I would do something for myself, like simply going for a walk to get some fresh air or something to eat, to sustenance for myself, I would feel guilty and try to rush back to make sure that Matt was okay. I felt this way even when there was somebody else with him, because I didn't want to miss anything. I was afraid that I wouldn't be there to provide what I could. Being away from Matt and having to focus on literally any other task was really anxiety inducing for me and very difficult to balance. So the only time I truly set aside for myself was dance practice and you know that you set that time aside for yourself that one hour, hour and a half, one day a week is your time. I was able to set that time aside solely for me. And I really looked forward to it. I was really able to lose myself in the melee or the song, the rhythm and the beat and just chanting along with my Hula brothers and sisters really, allowed me to escape my reality for just an hour a week. Learning something new and doing something for me was really beneficial, even if it was just for an hour. Oh, I'm so glad you did have at least that hour or that bit of time for yourself. And yeah, I agree that Hula is just such a happy place. All the colorful costumes and music and how can you not feel joy at that time? It's wonderful. Yeah. And I get it about people pleasing and to a fault. Yep. But that's also devotion. When you have that devotion and love for someone, you do it when you love someone so deeply. On that note, uh how and when did Matt propose to you? We'd love to know. So this is the fun part. This was in June of 2017. This was almost one year of dating. So it was pretty quick dating to engagement. And had asked my dad for his blessing to marry me, very traditional. My dad said yes. And Matt proposed to me while we were on a family trip on Maui. And it was big and extravagant. There was a helicopter on the side of a volcano. It was so wild and um it was awesome. It was beautiful and a complete surprise to me. So my family knew, Matt's family knew, all the friends knew, but I didn't know. And so it was a real surprise for me. And um, you know, so we had a great trip with the family. And as soon as we got home, we started planning the wedding. Um, he had had a pretty invasive surgery right before we left for the trip. That surgery wasn't as successful as we had hoped for. Um, but you know, we came home, we were ready to get married, we were young and in love and just ready to be married. So we got home, we had planned this huge engagement party in my parents' backyard. We had the food truck from Matt's favorite burger spot down by the beach. All of our friends and family were there and it really was just the most beautiful and fun day celebrating our love. And later on, a lot of people had actually shared that they thought that they were walking into a surprise wedding. They were shocked that it wasn't. I said, no, it's actually just our engagement party. And it was really, really a beautiful day. You know, looking back like oh man, I actually wish that we did have a surprise wedding because that would have been a total Mattie move to do that and have everybody walk into a wedding. But um it was it was our just, just our engagement party. But it was a really beautiful memory. And that was actually on Matt's mom's birthday. She shared that day with us. And it was really beautiful. I have some pictures of Matt, you know, presenting a cake to her and everyone at the party singing to her as she was his mom and deserved all the beautiful things and, was really dealt just pure heartache losing her son. And so just seeing those pictures and the pure joy on his face and her face as well as this really beautiful memory to have. Aahh, that is a beautiful memory and I'm so glad his family, all of you, anyone who knows him, got to share in that joy to have that. Um and I'm so sorry that the surgery wasn't as successful as you were hoping for, but I'm really glad that you got to have this engagement, if not the wedding you dreamed of. Um, and then when did you start noticing a decline in Matt's health? Yeah, so it was really just mere weeks after that, that Matt's health had really started to decline. Our engagement was in June of 2017 and by July, just a couple of weeks later, he had had another round of Gamma Knife and had begun Biochemotherapy, which is a combo of chemotherapy and that experimental immunotherapy that he was on. And it's very intense and required a week long hospital stay each treatment. At that time he had the three rounds of Gamma Knife and two rounds of Biochemotherapy under his belt, uh you know, on top of surgeries. And so at that time, as nothing was working and we were getting desperate, so we contacted the City of Hope in Los Angeles, but they were pretty much the ones to tell us that it was too late, um which was shocking because throughout this whole journey alongside Matt, really only once did I have a freak out and think that he was going to die. Him dying was just not part of the narrative. You know, he was young, he was healthy, he was only 29 years old. You know, this isn't supposed to happen. His doctors, they were nothing but hopeful and encouraging. We really followed their lead. But, looking back at pictures now, he was clearly dying, but I didn't see it. Um it just, wasn't explicitly told to us that he was dying or that that was a possibility. So I truly felt robbed of what comfort he could have had towards the end. And, you know, being on the other side of this, I've found that this is a common trend for widows and how we wish that we knew our person was actually dying so that we could have helped them face death more openly, more freely, more naturally instead of it being hushed and just fought against to the very end. It's exhausting for not only the person who is losing their life, but everyone around them who could have these conversations, beautiful moments, tough moments, of course, but I really felt like we were robbed of that. Um nobody wants to hear that their loved one has, you know, X amount of time to live. You know, who truly knows how much time each person has. But um had it been explicitly told to us, I think that it would have been a bit different. fast forward just two months to September of 2017, Matt had suffered a series of seizures due to the multiple tumors in his brain. And so that had put him back in the hospital for his final fight. It was just a week of bad news. And each blow from the doctors was just more distressing than the last. His body was frail and he was so exhausted. And so, we started making calls and people drove and flew in from all over the country as quickly as they could. You know, to be with him as he transitioned and our friends even snuck our dog Lu into the ICU to see him. And that week in the hospital while he was dying was an out of body experience for me. But what I do remember so vividly is just there being so many people. Just all the time, there were so many people. And the ICU staff were really incredible and they let us overflow his room at all hours and they let us, really surround him, no questions asked as he left his body. That truly was a testament to who he was. So, surrounded by his closest family and friends on September 30th of 2017, Matt took his last breath. And you know, he lost his life so young. But what was pointed out to me by his family and friends was that he was able to live so much of his adult years in such a short amount of time together. He was able to you know, ask someone for their hand in marriage and have a beautiful and fun party, a mini wedding, if you will. And we were able to celebrate our love that way, surrounded by all of our people. And while he didn't get to father a human child, he truly treated our dog as his baby and he just adored her and she adored him. And she... she really had a job to do with Matt and she was his comfort and his pride and his joy and really being loved by him and seeing him love our pup was just a small peek into what what could have been for us. Oh, how heartbreaking Soleil, for you, your family, his family. My heart goes out to all of you. I really feel for all of you, what you went through. It was so nice to hear that he was surrounded by all these people he loved, by so many people. And then even Lu into the ICU. Dogs can be amazing like that. So comforting. That was so special. I'm glad he had that experience of proposing to you and having his little uh pup baby with you, raising your little pup together. I'm so glad he got to have all the experiences he did. But truly, truly heartbreaking and painful it must have been, and especially for a mother as well or parents Mm. their child go before them. And just to see someone take their last breath like that and to lose the love of your life and the future you had expected to have with them. Um, so what was it like um to grieve as a fiance who was not yet a wife? And what was your greatest source of strength during that time? It oh was often difficult to navigate my place in grief and in the widow space because I wasn't quote unquote, just his girlfriend. I of course say that in jest, but I also wasn't his wife yet. So I really had trouble reconciling my feelings because I felt like I was only his fiance. You know, who was I to be so deep in grief? We hadn't spent years and years together living through life's joys or working through life's hardships of marriage to really solidify us as a married couple. We hadn't built a home together. We hadn't had kids or traveled the world, you know, all these things that we had planned to do. So at that time, I was both grieving that and our future together while also wanting to be respectful to actual widows who lost their spouses, you know these people who lost their partners, who they relied on for so many things and now had to do all of it on their own while they were grieving. Finding my place in grief was difficult, yet once I found this community of widows that said, "Yes, you're one of us!" I really felt the freedom to just openly grieve because I love this person and that was the bottom line. I was really able to wrap my mind around what had happened to this larger than life person, begin to process the loss and start to heal. My greatest sources of strength in those days, months and years, long, long, dark days since losing Matt were quality time spent with my family, my parents especially. I was living at home and I don't think I was alone for... the first couple of months, there was always somebody at our house, whether it was, you know, again, my parents, my grandparents who lived very close by, aunts, uncles, um Hula sisters who brought food, fed my family for weeks. When we really were having trouble caring for ourselves, we were just surrounded. Just our family and our friends who are family to us um were my greatest source of strength at the time, and and inwardly immersing myself in the widow space and finding connection with others who lost their partner or lost their future together. Um and of course our dog Lu. When Matt got Lou, I think he thought that he was just getting a dog. You know, she was the greatest gift to him, of course, but it turns out that he had gifted me a companion through grief as well. She really brought so much comfort, purpose, and joy to my life. And she still does to this day. Oh I'm so glad you had all of that. But it's sad to think that you know, you were struggling with where you fit in. here, you know, your sense of identity as a fiance, calling yourself just a fiance. That's a big role you played in his life. So I'm glad you found a place where you could belong and be accepted. Um, so do you have any insights you would like to share with our listeners who might be grieving? Yeah, so this is kind of funny. So in preparation, in speaking with you, I actually discovered that there's a model for what I had done when I had lost Matt. This model called The Three C's of Grief. And while I didn't have this exact strategy or vocabulary back then, I had naturally gravitated towards these three components. So reading through these now, you know, eight years after Matt had passed, I really encourage fellow grievers to look into this and to, just try to gain a foothold in their grief journey. As you know, as well, Kiran, you know, grief is a marathon. It is not a sprint. Having healthy coping mechanisms is really helpful along the way. Um, so these three C's of Grief it's a principle that was developed by Dr. Kenneth J. Doca of the Hospice Foundation to help grievers through the holidays specifically. I found that it actually translates very well to just everyday grief and um again, coming up on eight years after Matt's death and, you know, having lost my grandfather a couple years ago and just everyday grief. I still use these strategies whenever I have a griefy day. So the first C is Choose. Make intentional choices that are best for your needs, even in the midst of grief, to regain a sense of control over your life. Um, right after losing Matt I was gifted many self-help books, none of which were helpful to me at the time. Because I had no focus nor the wants to even help myself to move forward from this loss. I wanted to be in that pit. I wanted to be there at that time in the beginning. Um, people were constantly telling me, try this, try that, you know, try yoga. So tried going back to yoga. It turns out that that was a major trigger for me. Having watched Matt struggle to take his final breaths, or even, you know, listen to others simply breathe, not being able to focus on my own breath at the time, it made me want to crawl out of my skin. I really struggled to find an outlet that didn't cause me any extra stress, anxiety, or emotional pain. I really encourage people to just keep trying. Keep trying to find something that makes sense for them. And I eventually found podcasts recorded by widows and grievers. And by listening to podcasts, I really felt like I was a part of the experience that, you know we were all just sitting around in the living room sharing our stories, this kind of trauma bond experience. Even just feeling like a fly on the wall, you feel like you're there. And you know podcasts can sometimes do that and just help you feel like a part of the conversation. I recommend, you know, try finding some podcasts or maybe books do work for you. Um, these days, there's just so many things that you can turn to and, trying to exercise. While yoga wasn't for me, having a dog, mine and Matt's Wiener dog, Lu who, you know, she relied on me to feed and walk her. And sometimes she was my only driving force to get out of bed daily and going on these long walks with her got me outside and breathing fresh air, got vitamin D on my skin. And once I was outdoors, I was able to focus on my surroundings and really feel more grounded as I had really had this loss of control in my life. It doesn't have to be anything big or extravagant, but I found that something as simple as a daily walk can really give you something to look forward to and you can even build on that and do a walking meditation of sorts if you're into that sort of thing and just having that me time can be so helpful. So, you know, while it can be something small, as just a daily walk around the block, it can also be something big. In the grief space, it's not encouraged to make any huge, life altering decisions within the first year of loss. That's always wise is, you know, stay calm and collected as best you can. But uh two months after Matt died, I had the incredible opportunity to travel to Australia to visit family with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. I really was afraid of what people would think of my international travel so soon after Matt died. But with mine and Matt's family encouraging me to take the trip, I went and it was such a beautiful time with family that I wouldn't normally get to spend time with, of course with them being so far and they were just so beautiful and welcoming and brought me along on every adventure. I'm really grateful for that time with them. It might seem obvious, but I do have to say that, you know, grief doesn't stay home. It's going to come with you wherever you go. So if the trip makes sense for you, why not just go for it? We found as grieving people that life is too short. And sometimes you just need to take the trip. Grief is going to be there when you get home. If it makes sense, take the trip. I love that, yeah, I agree with that. Grief is there wherever you go. We think we can escape from it, but it's still waiting, it's there. I'm so glad you did, you did make that choice for what suits you for your needs. Uh knowing what you need at the time. Because people are well-meaning, they mean well, but like I said, in my grief episode, we're all... unique how we grieve and what works for one person may not work for another. Yes, thank you. And in talking about this second C, um this was also um a balancing act for me. So this second C is Connect. We know that connection with others is crucial. And if you remember in the beginning, I had mentioned that, you know, I really didn't mind being a lone wolf and I truly didn't believe that I needed fellowship until I truly felt utterly alone in my grief. You know, a few months after I was really starting to feel just despair and grief is, it's just so isolating, even when you're surrounded by people who love you. And so I... encourage you to find even one person, ideally a fellow griever who can understand even just an ounce of the pain that you might be feeling, you know, somebody who can listen, who can hold space for you and your experience and, maybe even share some insight. And it wasn't until about four months after Matt died that I... finally joined a grief group through my local church. And even though I was younger than most attendees by more than 30 years, I really felt at home with others who were hurting like me. That same church saw the need for a group of a younger demographic. And so they did create another grief group at a different day and time during the week. There was now uh a group of a younger demographic that I was attending and that was extremely helpful as at that time I was desperately grasping for someone my age to see me and say, "Yes, me too," and attending that group gave me the encouragement to simply leave the house when sometimes even that felt too overwhelming. And on days when leaving the house was too much, I looked online and I found a group called the Hot Young Widows Club, which really helped me find the resources I needed to connect with other widows. I encourage your listeners to connect and find your people who will be alongside them, you know, there in their grief. Lastly, the third C is Communicate. Expressing feelings and needs to others is essential for building a strong support system and fostering understanding. And this was really hard for me and I still struggle to clearly communicate my needs to my loved ones every day. In my early grief, this was especially difficult as there were lots of well-intentioned people. Like you mentioned, Kiran. These well-intentioned people came to my side with their idea of what I needed. While I'm extremely grateful to have had that support as some people have little to no support at all, at times it was not what I needed. And that caused a lot of extra stress that I simply didn't have the bandwidth for. I didn't know how to respond to this and so that usually led to lots of eye rolls, and frustration, and anger, and it's really not fun to be this person when someone is just trying to help. I encourage grievers to be bold and to ask for help by telling others exactly what they need. And you know we might think that we sound needy or bossy but it's okay to be specific, especially at this time. People want to help and they don't know how. So sometimes they say or do things that we can perceive as being hurtful or just downright stupid. I'm being honest. People say some dumb stuff to a grieving person, but they, don't know. While I don't believe that it's a griever's job to, educate, everyone during that time. Don't be afraid to be bold and really tell others what you need because it's really going to help you and the helper in the long run. So true, that's so helpful because just like you said, people don't know, they want to help you, they don't know how or what to say, they feel they might say the wrong things. And even like you going back to what you said about when you felt like you were in that deep pit and you didn't want to get out of it, you weren't ready to. Some people need that isolation for a while, that space. It's knowing what you need and communicating what you need. Those are great insights about grief. And I know part two of your story will talk a bit more about moving forward through grief after the loss of Matt, including navigating dating after death, finding new meaning and identity as a wife, and coming to terms with your own cancer diagnosis. But could you share a little here about ways in which you remember or honor Matt? Yeah, absolutely. So these days I am still so happy to be close to Matt's parents. We talk often, I've traveled out of state to visit them and his mom has even taught me how to quilt and on one of my trips to visit them, you know, we gathered all of his t-shirts together, some blankets he had, uh button downs, things like that. And we made memory quilts to gift those closest to Matt. That was a really beautiful time spent together with his mom and with one of the Yaya's and uh them just sharing this gift of quilting with me so that we can gift others and for them to have something of Matt's. Um was really uh a difficult for me. Um, you know, learning how to quilt, that is a big learning curve. But they had the utmost patience with me and we really put together something beautiful and I'm really grateful for that time with them. I still think of Matt daily in some way, whether it's just chatting with his mom or sending her an Instagram video, hearing a song that reminds me of him or even just being with our dog. He really is still so present almost eight years after his death. And I see his face so strongly in his siblings and in his nieces and nephews that he just adored so seeing them grow up is really fun to watch and he really is missed and loved by so many people. And even in just his 29 years of life, he brought so much fun and laughter to this world. It's not fair that he's gone. And I hurt for his family that has lost somebody so perfectly a part of who they are. I'm really grateful that he brought me in and allowed me to be a part of the end of his life. And for the gift that he gave me with lifelong friends and family that I will have forever. I love that. And I know at the beginning you said that in your early 20s you had trouble finding your tribe, your people. What a gift he gave you because all his family and his friends have become an extension of your own wonderful family that you have, large family. That's beautiful. And I just love all these wonderful ways you found to honor your loss and keep his memory alive. Especially I love the idea of the quilt. you There's something about clothes because when I lost my mother, right after I lost her, I remember her clothes were hanging behind her door on a hook. And I just wanted to keep something, even a scarf, I kept it close to me and I could smell her still on there. So there's something so powerful about that. But our loved ones who are gone, that's what I feel, they're not gone. They're still very close to us. That's certainly how I feel as you do too. Yes. And I know you have another way you'd like to honor him by mentioning an organization that's dear to you and Matt. Could you tell us a little bit about that? Yes. So a favorite organization of Matt's is an org called A Walk on Water and they provide surf therapies for individuals with special needs. And, you know, just going to the beach, we can see that accessibility on the beach and to the water is really less than ideal for some. So this is an incredible organization that gets families out onto the sand and into the water. They offer yoga, massage therapy, art, and music therapy at their events as well. And like I said, Matt loved anything to do with the water. So he was able to volunteer with them a few times. And I know that he wished that he could have volunteered with them more. And he was even signed up to work an event that was scheduled just two weeks after he passed. A Walk on Water was so awesome and they held that event in Matt's honor. It was really beautiful to see everyone out in the water enjoying the day, which I know that Matt would have loved. What a wonderful organization and such a great tribute to Matt that they did. And if your listeners, I wondered, would like to connect with you, stay in touch with you in some way after this, how can they do that? Yeah, so if you would like to connect in any way, I am an open book and I would love to be here to hold space for you as well. My email is SoleilBoganSpeaks at gmail.com and I've created that email just to be a place for, you know, any connection. And I'm happy to listen and share and, maybe be a part of your grief journey too. Thank you. I'll try and put that in the show notes if I can, your email. Thank you so much, Soleil, for being here today, showing such vulnerability and strength on a topic that's not easy to talk about. I'm sure by doing so, you've helped many others in their grief to not feel alone and to be inspired by your strength. We look forward to having you on the podcast again to share part two of Uprooted by Cancer, Twice. Thank you listeners for tuning in. Soleil's story will resume the week after next because in between we'll have my usual tips for rootedness series, my solo episode. I think I'm gonna do it on people pleasing, which is something us givers have a tendency towards and I think it'll follow on well after this episode. Hope to see you then! If you enjoyed listening to today's episode and found it helpful, please subscribe, share and join our Uprooted by Unwanted Change Facebook group. New episodes will be brought to you every Tuesday, wherever you get your podcast, including a YouTube version with captions. In the midst of chaos and uncertainty, may you find peace and rootedness.