Uprooted by Cancer, Twice (Pt 2)

In this heartfelt conversation, Soleil Bogan shares her journey of navigating grief after the loss of her fiancé, Matt, and her path to finding love again with Colin. She discusses the challenges of re-entering the dating world while carrying the weight of her grief, the support she received from her community, and the joy of building a life with Colin. Soleil also opens up about her recent cancer diagnosis, the emotional rollercoaster it brought, and how she is learning to embrace change and find strength in adversity.

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Transcript

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Today's episode contains some sensitive material on the topic of cancer and may not be suitable for everyone. Information shared is based on personal experiences and not meant to replace medical or other professional help. During that week spent together Matt's parents gave me their blessing and their encouragement to start dating again and I did not see this coming. I told them they were out of their minds and that I would be dying alone always loving their son because that's really how deep this grief was. I did not notice the swelling in my throat. Colin hadn't, my parents hadn't, but once you saw it, you could not unsee it. So again, immediately went for STAT blood work and an ultrasound within days. And within just one week of those tests, I had a whole new team of doctors and a calendar full of upcoming blood tests, ultrasounds, and biopsies. What do you do when it feels like the rug's been pulled from underneath your feet, in fact, the whole floor? Welcome to the Uprooted by Unwanted Change podcast, about managing life transitions. I'm Kiran Prasad, teacher, speaker, and author of A Mindful Move Feel at Home Again, based on my 29 house moves. On each episode, we'll focus on a topic of unwanted change with guests sharing stories of resilience and insights into how they navigated their journeys. Together, we'll discover a community of inspiring individuals and create a system of support for one another. We have a very inspiring young woman here today with us, Soleil Bogan. Welcome back, Soleil! Thanks for having me on the show, Kiran, I'm really happy to be back speaking with you. And welcome to our listeners. Today, our episode is Uprooted by Cancer Twice. This is part two of a two part episode. And if you haven't listened to part one, I highly recommend that you listen to that first. Although I'll also give you a quick recap now. To recap, in part one, Soleil shared how she met Matt, fell in love with him, got engaged, then faced the heartache of losing him to cancer. While she grieved like a widow, she found it difficult to navigate her place in grief as a fiance, not yet a wife. She struggled for some time, eventually being accepted by a community of widows with whom she could process this huge loss and begin to heal. Well, Soleil, we're going to just jump right in where we left off last time. So let's do that. What were those first few months without Matt like? What were you going through and how were you feeling? Yeah, so after Matt's death, I was living at home and I was just incredibly grateful for that support from my parents. As I said previously, I really don't think I was ever left alone in those first few months after his passing. There was someone always around to be with me, check in on me to see how I was doing or really just spend time. And, um you know, I eventually threw myself back into work to keep myself busy. I was back to working full time at my family's business, as well as helping my mom at her dance studio, which brought me a lot of joy. So while these jobs provided uh stability from my parents, I was also able to feel like I was the helper again. I was back in the real world. I was starting to feel more of myself. You know, a lot of that time was... really an out of body experience for me. It did not feel like it was me living that life. And so I really started to feel like I was coming back into my own body, again, feeling more myself and I was no longer fully depended on by someone. Going back to work and focusing on something else that gave me the space to gain more confidence and gradually re-enter what felt to me like the land of the living. My purpose at that time, uh was to be Lu's mom, to take care of her, continue, know, know, feedings, walks, vet visits, really focusing on her and caring for her and to help continue the family legacy as the third generation working for my family's business. My coworkers depended on me to help daily operations run smoothly. And I was just really grateful to have this new daily routine of caring for my dog and being back at work. This was my new normal. Six months after Matt died, I was able to hop on a plane with one of the Ya-Yas one of the sweet ladies. And we went to visit and stay with Matt's parents and his younger brother. And we were there on the actual six month anniversary of his death. And I really think that that was what we all needed at the time. His mom being with one of her best friends for many years and me being able to be close to his family at that time and being with them even to this day is what makes me feel closest to him. And so it was a really nice time to all be together. And this was the same trip that we crafted the memory quilts that I had told you about in part one. So this was a big trip. It was just a beautiful time spent together, heart-wrenching. During that week spent together Matt's parents gave me their blessing and their encouragement to start dating again and I did not see this coming. I told them they were out of their minds and that I would be dying alone always loving their son because that's really how deep this grief was. I really just couldn't envision myself with anyone else. I was so deep in the pit that I just couldn't see any light in that regard. Well intentioned people told me, you're young, you're going to find love again, etcetera, etcetera. And even though I was only 26 years old when he died, I really thought that that was it for me when it came to love. So While I didn't necessarily need their blessing to move forward, I felt like I was coming home with their full love and support. And that was really the boost that I needed to in time, not be afraid to start dating again when or if I was ever ready. you know, In that moment, I didn't feel like that time would ever come, but what I felt coming home from that trip was the encouragement to really focus on myself and my own healing. Then maybe in time I would be able to even just think about moving forward. And his parents gave that gift to me. They were just so deeply hurting. During that dark time, they thought of me and my future. And that's really just a snippet of who Matt's parents are. They truly gave me a gift that I could not fathom or thank them enough for. Ah, they clearly seem to love you as a daughter, it seems, and they want to see you happy. How thoughtful of them to encourage you to go live your life and start dating while they were still in the depth of despair over the loss of their son. Yeah, that was very, very thoughtful of them. And I did want to mention one other thing that I didn't mention last time was when you mentioned the Ya-Yas again here. Oh my gosh, wouldn't we all love to have a group of Ya-Yas in our life? Everyone needs a Ya-Ya! Everybody does. And um so when and how were you eventually able to re-enter the world of dating? And what were the challenges you faced? Yeah, so, you know, we know that there's no real timeline for grief. Everyone's experience is so vastly different and there's no wrong way to go about it. I would just hope that you do what's right for you and what's hopefully safe and healthy for you. And, if they're able, some people might be able to move forward, whatever that looks like for them within months, some in years or some not at all. And that's all okay. Re-entering the dating world a year after Matt's death, I knew I needed someone who would accept me for who I was as a grieving person while being open to knowing that Matt and his family would always be a part of my life in some way. This was absolutely terrifying because here I was this young grieving person, finally feeling ready to put myself back out there. And I was just supposed to scare everyone away with this big load of grief? Learning how to navigate the now seemingly online only dating world was daunting enough and now I needed to do it with my grief in tow. During that time I really grappled with who I was. My relationship with and care for Matt was all-encompassing. So having that come to a halt abruptly was really difficult. I was also no longer Matt's fiance. It wasn't a breakup. It was something so different. So like a lot of widows that I've spoken to who are able to or choose to date after death, I also struggled with when to tell dates about my loss. There was definitely some trial and error when it came to dating and sharing my past. And sometimes my life and loss of Matt came up naturally in conversation on the first date. Other times it was later on. Dating after death is such a balancing act of honoring your lost love and having the courage to move forward in your own time and really doing what you want. I was living in pain and trying to embrace peace with where I was at in my life. Wow, well, definitely you're so inspiring to people that there is life after loss. And it sure took courage to get back out there into the dating world with, as you so well put it, your grief in tow. On top of that, the shift of roles that you were going through and the loss of identity after a major loss, it can leave us so uncertain, unsure about ourselves. So that makes it even tougher to be out there in the dating world. How did you eventually meet Colin and know he was the one? Yeah, well, thank you for saying so, Kiran. It really did take courage and it was scary at times because I was finally giving myself permission to have fun again. That was about the time that I swiped right on Colin. One year and a few months after losing Matt, I met my now husband, Colin, on a dating app. We basically went on one date and have been hanging out every day since then. He actually asked me to hang out again the very next day after our first date. So I'm not kidding when I say that we've literally hung out almost every day since then. Aww lovely! Yeah, so I'm smiling all big. I love talking about Colin. He's the best. From the beginning, Colin has always been nothing but accepting and understanding of my life with Matt, which also includes my dog Lu. And while it did take some time for me to tell Colin about my life with and loss of Matt, I look back and I think it did take that time because I knew that I was serious about this guy and I could see this relationship going somewhere. Colin had actually been scrolling on my Instagram as one does these days to learn about a new potential love interest. And he saw my posts about losing Matt. And Colin just directly asked me if I had recently lost someone important in my life, but he let me take the lead on that conversation. And this of course led to the full discussion of my fiance, Matt's dying, death, and my grieving of him and our future together. And while Colin was both shocked and sad for me that I had lost someone I loved and was engaged to, he was also sad for this guy that he had never met, who was just a few years older than him, who lost his life to cancer. That was really beautiful to see his character shine through. Yes, of course he's sad for me, but to have that empathy for this young guy who, they would probably be friends, had lost his life. And so to see his character shine through that really gave me a glimpse into who Colin was. In that conversation, Colin was also surprised that it had been so soon after Matt died that we had started dating. And Colin had explained that at the time he really had no prior thought as to when the"quote, unquote," right time would be to start dating again after losing a partner. But over time, he grew to understand the nuances and that it really just depends on an individual's own process and timing. But he had just never had to think about it at our age. You know, we were in our mid-20s. And I was learning as I was going. So while we didn't talk about my grieving on our first date, one thing we did talk about, of course, was our pets. So Colin knew right off the bat that Lu and I were a package deal. And uh Colin came over and met Lu after a couple of dates. You know, us dog people, we really do trust our dog's judge of character. And at first, she was a classic wiener dog. She's a Dachshund. So she was pretty barky upon first meeting Colin, but watching him just get on the floor, be at her level, which was without my prompting, mind you. He let her smell him. She was totally sizing him up. But just watching him, you know, lower himself to her level was a major green flag for me that, he wanted to, have her like him. And since that meeting, she has been his little shadow. And Colin, he knew the important roles that Lu played in mine and Matt's life. She was Matt's ultimate comfort. And for a time she was my reason to get up most mornings. So he really respected that. And over time he began helping with dog ownership responsibilities. And he really just slipped right into this role of wiener dog dad. He loves little Lu and he is one of her best buds right up there with my parents' wiener dog, Salchicha. Ooh, I love that. I love that name! Yeah, so which for those of you who don't speak the language, Salchicha means sausage in Spanish. A very literal translation for the sausage dog in our family. So. You Um, Colin and I had a super fun dating life. We camped, we saw great bands. We started and tended to our very own garden, which was really fun. We cooked our way through a cookbook, navigated the pandemic together, which was huge. And we eventually became engaged in February of 2021. We were married in our backyard in June of that same year surrounded by 30 of our family members. and While it wasn't the big wedding that we had imagined for ourselves, it really turned out that it was exactly what we wanted. And we hope for a big 5 or 10 year anniversary party where we can have all the family, all the friends come. But at that time, just being surrounded by our family was perfect for us. And Being married to my best friend has been so much fun. Together, we're learning how to be better humans and partners to each other. And I'm just so grateful for this person who loves me for who I am with everything that I've brought to the table. He's patient with me and he really helps me grow. And Colin loves to make me laugh. He's very supportive of my ideas and goals and he's just so thoughtful in everything that he does. And Like me, he's a planner, which I love. He really brings that well-being and soundness to our relationship. He's an extremely talented musician, picking up most things by ear. So our home is often filled with music, guitar. We have his grandparents' beautiful piano that we received after they passed. Singing, we were gifted a giant Marimba recently that has been really fun. Yeah, having. his dad and my dad over who are also musicians and Colin's group of friends over who play, you know, to record music in the living room. It's really just a dream to have our house filled with music. Wow! Really, really cool. That's so nice to have a house filled with music. really, Yeah, it really is. It's so nice and just soothing. Even if it's, you know, even if he's got the amp turned up to 11, it's still... something that I enjoy and I love to see him and listen to him play. So that's really cool. Colin is also extremely loyal. He's been close with his group of friends for many years, some from high school and college days and even some friends since first grade. Again, he's just a loyal guy and he's always curious as to how others around him are doing. And he's, he's just I, you know, of course knew that before we were married that Colin was the one for me, but there are these moments we had early on in our marriage that really solidified that he is the absolute right person for me and that he truly has a heart of gold. Poor guy he was literally thrown into real life marriage from the get go. We both were. Two weeks after we returned home from our honeymoon, my grandfather, this was the one that I worked with daily for many years, he went on hospice and we were watching our fun loving, hardworking grandpa just deteriorate in front of our eyes in my dad's childhood home. And you know, hospice care, it's an absolute gift to care for your person. I mean, for us, it was a gift, You know, caring for him in his final days. But it was also just so painful to witness, um, you know, just him slip away. And the entire family was thrown into round the clock caregiving and Colin was there every single day through it all to support, you know, while still working full time. That's just one instance. And another, only three months after we were married, and two months after my grandpa passed, Colin accompanied me and my family to Matt's big five-year deathiversary get together with all the friends and family. It was a big, beautiful event that we had at a brewery, which was totally Matt's vibe. Nothing stuffy about it. you know, seeing Colin show up and mingle with Matt's unconditionally loving family, and honor Matt while supporting me in this way was so huge. Again, just right off the bat. So at that event, my past and my present were all together in one place. And it was both heart wrenching, I think for everyone, but just an example of what life can be, you know again, learning that it's possible to live in pain and in peace. Wow, what an emotional rollercoaster that you've been on with your marriage, then honeymoon, and hospice, deathiversary. I mean, that's quite the emotional rollercoaster. I know you were so close to your grandfather. That must have been so painful losing him and literally watching him um pass. And so soon after your honeymoon. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for saying so. You're welcome. And I couldn't imagine a more ideal person for you than Colin, who sounds wonderful and so supportive. I love how you say that with him, your past and present were all together in one place. That's beautiful. Colin clearly understands that Matt will always be a part of your life. Yes. I'm so happy you have each other. Thank you, Kiran. Thank you for saying so. You know, going back to the loss of my grandfather, that really was a huge loss for our family. And that was our immediate family's first time experiencing hospice care within, you know, a family home. And this was Colin's first time as well. So that was really a big challenge from the start. Colin and I often say to each other, "Yin and Yang baby" because we really do bring balance to one another's life. We're both naturally, somewhat anxious people, often anxious about different things, which is nice. So we try to find our balance. And, you know, for myself, I lost my first forever love to cancer. So I of course have extra anxiety around losing Colin. you know, Any little health issue he has, we both go to worst case scenario. And so, you know, while we do have some medical anxiety, we try to just take a deep breath, tell each other it's most likely not cancer. And we try to figure out the issue together. So I think that wholeheartedly loving your partner while knowing that you can lose them at literally any time gives a different kind of value and depth to a relationship. So I think that's one major thing I've learned from losing Matt and have been able to love Colin deeper because of it. Colin has always been such a source of strength for me, letting me lean on him and embracing me during griefy days, especially in those early years after losing While my body is usually the first to remind me of hard anniversary days coming up, days such as Matt's birthday, the date when Matt and I got engaged or his deathiversary, Colin has those dates in his calendar and he gives me full reign of that week, you know, asking me what I would like to do or what would, what would help me better get through that time. So he lifts me up and is really there for me through it all. Like I said, I've experienced medical anxiety since Matt's passing. So it had been a while since I'd been to the doctor and Colin had helped encourage me to be preventative and really just be a wise 30 something and just go. Fast forward to last year, fall of 2024, I had successfully been going to doctors normally for a few years without issue at that time. So that was really nice. I was finally feeling like a real adult and had a doctor. Well, I think it's totally understandable that you and Colin would have such fears about losing each other and also about your health. You faced so much trauma with being told Matt's prognosis was good, only to end up losing him. So I can see how that would lead to medical anxiety and avoiding seeing doctors. Thankfully, with the support of Colin, it seems like you've overcome that fear. Well, tell us about that and how you came to discover that something was not quite right with your own health. Yeah, so it definitely took some encouragement to face my fears and get back into doctors' offices. Again, I was, you know, going to doctors fine now at this point. This was now September of 2024. I started feeling like something was simply stuck in the back of my throat. I quickly figured out that this wasn't something that constant throat clearing or warm tea was going to fix. So Within a month of that, I was really having trouble swallowing. I went to the doctor and they said that this was likely just allergies. So I went down the allergy rabbit hole, trying to figure out what I could possibly be allergic to. I had swapped shampoos, toothpaste, deodorant, you name it. Is it dairy? Is it our sheets? You know, what could this be triggering this weird symptom. So the busyness of the holidays came and went and my one weird symptom slowly kept getting worse. And by January I was having trouble breathing and swallowing even just saliva was taking major effort. So I went to a different doctor and they took one look at me and literally said, I'm looking at the problem. They hadn't even palpated my throat at this point in the appointment and just saw that something wasn't right. That doctor noted swelling in my throat, possibly swelling of my thyroid, which was the first time I had ever considered a thyroid problem. Even though I do have a family history of Hypothyroid in my family. Um, But it just, I didn't have any other symptoms, so I didn't think thyroid. so. That doctor immediately sent me for blood work and an ultrasound as, you know, before she had pointed the swelling out to me, I did not notice the swelling in my throat. Colin hadn't, my parents hadn't, but once you saw it, you could not unsee it. So again, immediately went for STAT blood work and an ultrasound within days. And within just one week of those tests, I had a whole new team of doctors and a calendar full of upcoming blood tests, ultrasounds, and biopsies. That was at the tail end of January. And I had my first biopsy on Valentine's day, which is just every couple's dream date, right? So uh Colin came with me to that appointment and that night at dinner, there was a lot of talking about, you know, what in the world just happened? How did we get here? We couldn't do much at that time aside from simply waiting for results. So with that time, we researched as much as we could and just waited for the call from my endocrinologist. I again started researching, reading books, talking to people who had thyroid issues to just kind of familiarize myself with what this could be. So. um From those tests, we got the results and we found multiple tumors growing on my thyroid, which is totally common, by the way, about 50 to 60 % of healthy people, they thyroid nodules and most don't even know it. So I wanted to make a note here that some doctors use the term nodule and tumor While some doctors say nodule for smaller growths and tumor for larger growths. So um In my case, most of my growths were rather large. So I'll be using the term tumor moving forward as this is what my surgeon referred to them as. But I just wanted to note that as every doctor's different. You might hear something different from someone else's story. After a few trips back to the endocrinologist, my multiple biopsies all came back with inconclusive results, which in my case meant that these tumors had characteristics of being both malignant and benign. It must have been so challenging to face all that uncertainty of not knowing and waiting to find out. What was going through your mind at that time? Yeah, it was absolutely challenging. My mind was racing all the time. I was having trouble focusing at work and I really felt at a loss of what to do while just waiting for these results. There really wasn't much to do. I was asking questions like, should I change my diet? What supplement should I be taking? I was looking for literally anything to do just to help make this better. Um and that immediately put my mind back into the days alongside Matt when every doctor's appointment was more stressful than the last. I had Colin accompanying me to every appointment carrying my ever-growing medical binder that I had put together. We had done that for Matt as well, which helped keep us organized. And I think we ended up having two binders by the time he died. So I had put that knowledge of making yourself a medical binder into my own journey that I was now on and had all of my notes from every appointment, pathology results, blood work labs, doctor's business and appointment cards, and now just a stack of medical bills. So We just had so many questions and I was in total shock as to how I got here. Now it was me. How? We eat extremely healthy. Colin and I started a dry January sober challenge and simply haven't looked back. So we've both been sober for over two years at this point. I've never smoked. I was working out, weightlifting. I was super active. I was dancing. Um doing all of the things, I was drinking plenty of water, getting as much good sleep as possible. I mean, you know, we enjoy an In-N-Out Burger and a soda every once in a while, but none of this just added up for me. And I didn't necessarily think why me, but how me. And logically, I know that we're inundated daily with cancer causing chemicals, etcetera, but I was disciplined and we had just built such great health habits, so I really felt like I had failed somehow. How stressful for you being on that medical treadmill again, not only facing your own possible cancer diagnosis. So what were you recommended to do next? At this point with my endocrinologist and, um, a new surgeon putting their minds together, I was recommended to have a total thyroidectomy so that we could remove these tumors, which meant that my thyroid had to come along with them. Again, I had no other symptoms of having hypo, hyperthyroid, any thyroid issue. So while I didn't want my thyroid removed because I had no other signs of thyroid disease, I was also very confused as, you know, this was the only way to remove my main problem, which was the tumors which weren't allowing me to swallow or breathe properly. There's that. And now also these tumors could be cancerous. So, Colin and I along with our families clung to what we were told, which was that there was hope that this was a 30 % chance that it wasn't cancer. But of course, know, looming in the back of my mind was that, well, there's a 70 % chance that it is cancer. There's always that other side of the coin and this would be my first surgery. It is a very delicate surgery with... some risks that really just made me nervous and I was scared. I really didn't want to go through this. My anxiety was through the roof and even though thyroid cancer is generally a very treatable cancer, of course, this is all depending on the type, how early it's detected, the age and health of the patient, the surgeon, etcetera. Still, hearing the word cancer spoken anywhere near your own name is awful. And, you know, especially with what I had witnessed Matt go through. So that was a really challenging time of just wrapping my mind around. Okay, I have to have the surgery to take care of the problem. And yeah, there might also be cancer. So that was big. clarity Colin's parents who I absolutely adore really came alongside my family and I during this time and really helped carry us through. They have such an amazing church family that banded together and hosted a prayer summit, we called it. This was alongside my family to just lift me up in prayer and to help me feel at ease as I went into surgery. This was organized by Colin's parents and hosted at my parents' house and I truly felt surrounded by so much love, empathy, and support in those hours together. And our families and our friends who are truly family surrounded me. They listened to me and my concerns and they truly sent me into my surgery more at ease and ready for what was to come because it was a lot of unknowns. Early in May of 2025, I underwent a total thyroidectomy with an incredible surgeon and we wouldn't know immediately after the surgery if the tumors were cancerous or not, but post surgery, we knew that it didn't look good. So two very long weeks after my thyroidectomy, Colin and I got the call that I did in fact have cancer. I was diagnosed with stage two papillary thyroid carcinoma. In that moment, it was official. I was absolutely heartbroken that this was my reality, but I was also oddly at peace, I think both of us were because now we knew. Not knowing and feeling left in the dark was really more anxiety inducing for me. Now we had a game plan and I was ready to hit it hard and really just move forward and try these next steps. So now living with my own cancer diagnosis, I had thrown myself back into the cancer world. What should I be eating, drinking, doing, not doing? you know, luckily we were in a good groove, health and fitness wise. So I just kind of turned it up a notch as one does when it's cancer. I knew that I would likely have to have a radiation treatment in my near future. So that was an extra anxiety of the unknown. I really, uh I started working out more just to get those endorphins going, lots of walks, just feeling good being in my body, focusing on myself and that really helped combat the scaries. How scary to have cancer in your life again. I can't imagine facing a cancer diagnosis. I, like many others, especially Americans, have heard of or have thyroid disease, which is an epidemic in the US, but we may not know much about thyroid cancer. So I appreciate what you've shared with us. I feel for you, Colin and your families. And it's wonderful that a prayer summit was held for you by Colin's parents to support you. It seems like you clearly have a game plan to help you get through this. And I was just wondering what other things you found to be particularly helpful through this trying time. Was there anything complimentary, holistic for calming the anxiety? I know many people these days are into acupuncture, massage, those kinds of things. And of course, for our listeners, I just need to say it's always advisable to do so with the recommendation of a medical professional. Mm hmm. Yeah, thank you for saying so Kiran it's definitely been a roller coaster of emotions for all of us and collectively we're figuring it out as we go. So Colin and I really turned inward after my diagnosis. We were at home a lot more, spending more time together, really focusing on the simple pleasures of life. And I felt myself going back to those three C's that I had talked about in the first part of my series with you. I was deliberately choosing things to do that worked for me, focusing on my physical healing and my emotional stability. And I had almost completely lost my voice in the surgery. So I am still kind of raspy as you can hear. But you know, it slowly came back week by week. Um, you know, we went on lots of walks throughout the day, really enjoying the time together out in the fresh air and sunshine. And to help ease my nerves and to ease into sleep better as my mind races most at night when the day is done, all the tasks are checked off the list and Colin and I finally have time to just be at home. Um, I'll use an acupressure mat, which Colin and I both really enjoy. Um, So that just is super soothing. It's a little painful at first, but once you are just fully relaxed, it really does help me sleep better. Yeah, I've tried that before, I've tried one of those. It is a little painful at first, but not too painful. It is. Yeah. But once you're, you know, once all of that blood rushes to the area, you're just, I love it. So Colin does too. And you know, I've yet to try acupuncture. But I have heard amazing things, of course, and I'm definitely open to this and to other natural therapies. And part of not having a thyroid anymore, I have to be on medication for the rest of my life, which was really difficult for me as I really do try to keep things as natural as possible. So if there are any holistic or natural remedies that can help I'm looking into it. So yeah, so um another thing that has really helped me was joining a thyroid cancer support group. I was really able to find connection with others locally in my area who have gone through this in the past or are currently walking this path. It's really been helpful to hear others' experiences, you know, knowing I'm not alone and gaining insight from thyroid cancer survivors. uh I'm still at the very beginning of my cancer journey, but I feel that I'm well on my way. I am currently awaiting another ultrasound. I have blood work coming up and a CT scan to see how much radioactive iodine I'll need. You know, when they do the surgery, they can't get every cell, every cancer cell. So that's what all these next tests will be is to see, you know, what is remaining, how much radioactive iodine do they recommend me to take to kill the rest of those cancer cells. So I'm in a waiting phase right now and I'm really anxious for more of these answers and for what's to come. Colin and I were feeling so connected and really rooted to each other. We were stable in our careers and in our marriage. And we really were just in this point of life where we were finally ready to start a family at the beginning of this year. And so this whole trajectory and cancer diagnosis has set those plans back for at least six months to a year after radiation. So, you know, While it's not the end of the world, it has been really hard for both of us as, you know, we were finally ready to start growing our family. And I know that our families were excited for this phase as well. I know that we're all grieving what could have been this year, you know, should our hopes and dreams gone according to plan. But we of course know that we can't truly perfectly plan things, but it does feel like the rug was pulled out from under us when we were finally feeling ready for this next adventure together. How unfair it must feel just as you're trying to start a new chapter in your life to have such adversity hit you again. In my experience, wherever there's loss, there's also some gain that we may eventually discover through facing the pain, through going through the pain of it. Would you say that that's been true for you? Yeah, that has definitely been true for me. You know, I am a person who likes to be in control of a situation. So being uprooted from my normal day to day and uh from my big picture goals has definitely been a struggle for me. This adversity is, it's helping me learn to go with the flow and remind myself that I truly can't control everything, but I can, however, control how I respond to what comes my way. And I know that there's a reason for all of this happening. So I'm really just trying to move with grace and especially with gratitude and to take things as they come. Yeah, I get that about wanting to feel in control and to be rooted when your life's in turmoil after an unwanted change. And it's true what you said that while we can't control everything that happens to us, we definitely can control how we respond to it. You certainly seem to be doing a great job at that and focusing on trying to change the things you can. And You've mentioned various things that have helped you through this journey. I wondered, is there also an organization you'd like to thank or mention? Yeah, that would be great. um Just starting my journey, I'm really feeling grateful to the Thycans in my thyroid cancer support group. These individuals in this group have answered every question I have and they've really just supported me and empowered me to be bold in my appointments, ask tough questions and really just be the best advocate I can be for myself. I had helped be Matt's advocate alongside his parents and his friends who were nurses and really came alongside him to help him through that. And so now it's my turn to learn how to advocate for myself. Exactly. How great to have such people and support when you most need it. The Thycans, they sound wonderful! What a blessing, Such a blessing. And if our listeners would like to connect with you or stay in touch with you Soleil, how can they do that? Again, I can put that in the show notes. Yes, absolutely. So if you could put that in the show notes, you know, my name is spelled a little differently, but your listeners can reach out to me directly via email at SoleilBoganSpeaks@gmail.com Well, thank you, Soleil, for being here today. a second time, a double episode. Thank you so much, Kiran, I'm just so honored to be speaking with you and I really hope that my story is helpful to your listeners and that they know that they can do hard things. You know, it's not going to be fun at times, but you just, have to keep going. You really have inspired people, I'm sure, that there is life after loss. I mean, you dated, you got married, you're looking forward to having kids together. You know, there's life after loss. And your strength and resilience just is amazing. And I also appreciate how much you've openly shared with us, not only about your cancer journey with Matt, but now your own. You've taught us so much about moving forward after grief, and no doubt given hope to people. Also I appreciate all the time and energy you've put into these two episodes. This is while working and undergoing treatment. I want to also thank your loved ones because it can't have been easy for them to revisit these memories. I also pray you find healing and that you and Colin are blessed with all that you could ever wish for as a couple. So hold tight to those dreams. Oh, thank you, Kiran And finally, thank you listeners for joining us today. 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