#35 Overcoming Overwhelm: The Real Cause And How To Find Calm Again

We explore why overwhelm is a thought problem, not a schedule problem, and how to shift into calm through mindset, boundaries, and simple tools grounded in faith and practicality. We share reframes, stories, and steps to help you choose the next right thing with peace.

• defining overwhelm as an emotion created by thoughts
• personal story of survival mode and powerlessness
• hidden causes: perfectionism, people pleasing, “it’s all on me”
• lack of priorities, negative self-talk, unmanaged mind
• faith lens: focus on one thing and let go
• mindset reframes that create momentum
• practical tools: brain dump, facts vs thoughts, pick three
• boundaries and saying no from peace
• breath, presence, and a simple prayer for clarity
• recap and encouragement to choose empowered thoughts

If you have any questions or would like to go deeper into this topic or how it affects you in your own life, you can find me at SharonKcoaching.com. If you've enjoyed listening, please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite platform. And feel free to share with anyone you think might benefit from what you've heard.

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Transcript

Welcome And The Overwhelm Problem

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Hello and welcome to my podcast. My name is Sharon Murphy and I'm a certified life and mindset coach and I help women who seek to be happy and holy. Each week I'll bring you tools and insights to help you on your journey to the heights. I'm so glad you're here. Welcome back, friends. I want to start out by asking you, have you ever said, have you found yourself saying, I'm just so overwhelmed, or I don't know what to do next, or I just have too much to do. I have so much to get done. Maybe your to-do list is a mile long. Everyone needs something from you, you feel like you can't catch your breath. Maybe you're not someone who even vocalizes this. Maybe you may not be telling your friends or family that you're overwhelmed, but your life reflects this. By your level of peace, by the amount of numbing out you do or buffering, or by the way you show up to your family and friends. If you find you don't have time to sit down and be present with those you love, if you're short when people speak to you, or you snap at them, or even, you know, not being able to laugh and enjoy this journey that we're on, this could be a sign that you're living in a state of overwhelm. I want to offer you, what if I told you that overwhelm isn't coming from your schedule, but from your mind? That it's not your circumstances creating the chaos, it's your thoughts about them. Now I know this can be hard to believe. When you look at everything that you need to do and the keyword their need, it can feel like it's out of your control. Well, in today's episode, we're going to be talking about what overwhelm really is, where it comes from, and how to shift out of it. I'm also going to give you a few mindset tools that you can start using right away to find some calm, focus, and peace, even when life is busy. Now, for years, I felt like I lived in survival mode. I was raising six kids who were involved in all the things, right? I was working in a job that was just that, a job. It wasn't necessarily bad, but with the housework, the yard work, kid schedules, and my desire to work out as much as I could, trying to stay in shape like so many people do, spending time with friends, volunteering, and a husband who was more busy than I was with his work, trying to provide for our family and to stay on top of, you know, he's a self-employed work person working in construction, so his days were long. So there was just all the things. You know how it is. But I just didn't feel like I had any control. I felt like I was on a hamster wheel, or better yet, probably like I was in a clothes dryer. And I was getting tossed, tossed around on repeat. It was awful. I had I'd had brief moments of reprieve, but I truly felt powerless to do anything about it, completely powerless over it. I didn't see that I had any options. I felt like everything was necessary, it was all just things that were thrown at me that I had on my plate that I had to take care of. The reality is that's a lie. It isn't true. We always have options. And even knowing that I was in control and choosing what I was doing would have helped me at that time. And as I'll get into later in the show, I now realize that there were certain thought patterns and beliefs that I had adopted, even standards that I thought were necessary that were the real cause of my overwhelm. And oh, how I wish I had experienced coaching back then. I really do. And that's why I am so passionate about this now. And I want to, I want to know everyone to know that you do have a choice. Yes, we will all experience moments of overwhelm in our lives. When we receive tragic diagnosis or family emergencies, those are just a few times in our lives. There's many, many circumstances or things that come up. And these are seasons that's part of our life here where we're going to experience overwhelm, but it shouldn't be something that goes on and on. And for so many of us, we sort of fall into these patterns and we find ourselves really stuck there, and it becomes our normal state of existence. And so these moments that we have, even when they do come, I'm hoping that what I offer you today, that even in those moments when things do get thrown at you and life starts to get a little bit unmanageable, that you'll be able to better manage it when you understand the reasons behind the overwhelm and that you have some power in how you show up and are able to control it. So I want to begin by starting with the basics. Let's understand what overwhelm actually is, because it's really not what most people think. So to define it clearly, overwhelm is not necessarily a circumstance, it's an emotion. And all of our emotions, as you know, are created by our thoughts. Let me explain. Overwhelm happens when our brain is trying to hold too many unorganized thoughts at once. Our mind is pulled in so many directions. Everything is demanding our attention, everything feels urgent. It's just mental clutter. So to give you an example, think about your computer. You know, when you have all these tabs open, which I do at the very moment, it slows down, it overheats, and it stops functioning properly. Not to mention, so this is the effect it has on your computer, but it also has an effect on you. When you look at your computer and you see all these tabs, well, this is exactly what you're doing in your brain when you have all these things that you should be focusing on, you feel like you should be focusing on, I should say rather. It causes overwhelm. Now, I just want to I want to offer you that it's not the number of things that you have to do. All these tabs, it's just the number of thoughts that you're having about them that's causing the overwhelm. You may have in your mind all these things that you feel like need to be done, and maybe some of them are, but it's your thoughts about those things that's causing the overwhelm. So I just want to offer you this too. When we tie this back into our faith journeys and what that looks like, think about think about Jesus. Do you think that his days were full of demands? Do you think that he had a lot to do? That he he felt pressure to do sort of things. He knew his time was limited, but he never operated from overwhelm. I mean, he came here, I'm sure, and now I I can't speak for Jesus. I'm not trying to get inside his head, but I'm imagining that there probably seemed like there was a lot to do. But he didn't allow that to overwhelm him. He focused on the one thing in front of him. He focused on what God had asked him to do in that moment, and he let everything else go. That's a very important lesson for us. He stayed attuned to what God was asking him in each moment, and he focused on one thing at a time. To transition into what this looks like in our own lives and what the causes are, right? If it's not what's on our plates or what we feel we have to do, then what's really causing it? So let's look at this. I have a few things that I believe are the hidden causes of overwhelm. So let's unpack the roots of overwhelm and the thought patterns that create it. So the number one is perfectionism. And the thought sounds something like, I have to do everything right. It has to be perfect or I'll fail. The result that you create, because of course this thought then creates the emotion or the feeling of overwhelm. And the result is that you freeze. Typically, you procrastinate because the bar is set so high. So an example is that you just don't start a project because you think you need to have it perfectly planned first, or that you maybe don't have the time to complete it to perfection. This is an area I find myself in. And this is where a great source of my overwhelm came was this understanding or this perception or belief that everything I did needed to be done perfectly or to a certain standard that I had set for myself, which just created me, created for me the constant state of being overwhelmed by the idea of all that needed to be done. So I want to offer you for those of you who struggle with this, getting something done is better than getting it, than having it perfect. Completion is better than perfect. Progress will help you move to a place of peace. The next one that I see is people pleasing. And the thought can look something like I can't say no, or they'll be disappointed. It's always related to trying to maintain others' perception of you or main manage their emotions or feelings. And that's where it's like they'll be disappointed. Our concern is that we're worried about how somebody else is going to react or feel or receive us or perceive us, right? So that's where people pleasing comes in. And the result that we create in these kinds of situations is overcommitting, and really we end up resentful or exhausted. An example would just be, you know, saying yes to too many things, volunteering, extra work, social plans that you really don't have the capacity for. In these scenarios, if this sounds like something that you struggle with, just remember that every yes to some but to someone else is a no to something else or someone else. And it's quite often at the expense of your own mental well-being and your own peace. And I will say very often, at the expense of your those closest to you or your family members. Now the next one is that it's all up to me mentality. And the thought is you have this thought that kind of falls just into that, like, I need to do this. No one else will. I need to handle this. And the belief is that it really is all up to me. And what this results in, it can be very similar to people pleasing, is you just overcommit and you end up being resentful and exhausted because you just take on more than than you're called to take on. I want to offer you in these situations, if this sounds like you, is just getting very, very clear about what is your responsibility. I've talked before about locus of control, and that really just means what is your responsibility, what is yours to own and what is not. And that can be a really great area for people. Some people really struggle with understanding what is their responsibility and what is not. Feeling like they need to take on the responsibility of other people's what's their responsibility, actually. And so just remembering that, you know, God hasn't put you in charge of everything. And if you're trying to do everything, you'll likely not do anything well. So if that's you, just be very aware of that. The next one is a lack of priorities. It's just basically trying to do everything at once. It's not knowing how to categorize and place things in their proper order of importance. And the thought is when they're faced with all these things, they have a hard time being able to prioritize because in their mind everything is important. It all needs to be handled. And so what results in these situations is that you spin an indecision and confusion and your energy is very scattered. And that might look like starting multiple tasks and finishing none, or it might just, yeah, you begin on one project or start on one thing and then feeling yourself pulled in another direction because you notice that something else needs to be handled. And it just is a very scattered, frazzled feeling. And so for this, I want to offer you that not everything is urgent and finding, being able to focus and to get very clear on prioritizing. And if you need help with it, seek outside help. If you're somebody that struggles with placing, prioritizing that, then do that. Take it to the Lord in prayer and ask him, what is the most important thing in this moment? Because there's always, there's always a level of priority. You can prioritize things, you know, there's always things that are more important than others in the moments that you're working through them. Now the next one is negative self-talk. And this can sound something like a thought that's, I can't handle this. I have too much to do. It's just a feeling of, it's kind of a victim, I would say, and a belief that you're just not capable of doing. It comes back to your capacity or capability of handling what you have been, you feel have been assigned, right? And the result is that you shut down emotionally, which just reinforces the feeling of being stuck. Because then you're not able to even begin to process what needs to happen, and it just causes a shutting down, a closing off, not able to properly engage in what needs to happen. An example is just that you believe that you're behind or that you're not capable. And again, it drains your motivation. You don't, you're like, why try? I'm not capable of this. And so therefore, you don't even begin. If this is you, I want to offer you that you've done hard things in your life. Focus on the things that you've accomplished, the things that you have been able to tackle and do, because I know that you've done hard things, we all have. Bringing them into like micro steps, just minimizing what you're focusing on and realizing that you can handle, maybe not the whole project, maybe it seems really big or out of your ability, but yet you can handle this next step. Just making it much more, much more bite-sized, I would say, much, much easier to take on. Now the next one is an unmanaged mind. And this can look like I don't, I don't even know where to start. I don't even I don't even know where to begin. Your mind is just bouncing all over the place. And you just feel like everything is is just totally out of control. And this can result again in just staying stuck in confusion. And confusion is a very, another very important emotion or feeling that we get stuck in. And it very often it's the partner to overwhelm. Confusion and overwhelm, when they're combined, creates a really, really it's like a perfect storm. In these situations, that just looks like you waste time spinning instead of making any decisions. You're just spinning out and you're kind of toggling back and forth between confusion and overwhelm. And the overwhelm leads to more confusion, and the confusion leads to more overwhelm. And so for this, I just want to offer you again, just breaking it down into little micro decisions one step at a time, making it very small and very simple. Just doing this is when it comes to these thoughts of just doing the next right thing. And that knowing that clarity comes from taking any action and getting yourself out of your mind, not overthinking, just taking action and move and moving. So as we look at this, I want to talk about the, you know, these are the thought patterns that are the real reason we feel overwhelmed. They're not the tasks themselves. I'm just gonna keep hitting on this because our minds want us to believe, our brains are telling us that there's just too much and that it's all the circumstances, and we try and manage that. And maybe there's an element of that, again, at certain times in your life. But I'm talking about when we fall into this as a habitual place. And you might kind of find yourself veering out of it now and then, but you kind of end up right back here again into overwhelm. So I want to talk about mindset shifts because that's exactly what it is is a mindset shift that needs to take place because it's all related to our thoughts. And once we can grasp this, it changes everything. Because again, the overwhelm begins in our thoughts, but so does peace. You can't control every single situation, but you can always choose how you think about it. Always. That's your choice. Let's talk about some of those shifts. Instead of asking yourself, how am I going to do all this? Ask yourself, what's actually mine to do? And what do I need to let go of? In this situation, what is mine to do? And if the answer is everything, then I really want you to look at that because that's not true. We don't have to take responsibility for everything. And a simple reframe could be, you know, if you have, I have too much to do, a reframe is I actually I have choices about how I spend my time. You're the one that decides how you spend your time. Everything is a decision. And you may decide that you want to engage in in a lot of these things, but just understanding that it's a choice. Even that will it will alleviate some of the overwhelm and the powerlessness, right? Another reframe is I don't even know where to start. You know, reframe it to I'll start with one small thing. I'll just do this one thing. Because that is when all of a sudden your mind starts to open up and there's clarity about the next thing and you start to build momentum. Another reframe is for it's too much. It's just too much. Well, you might believe that, but a great reframe for that is I can handle the next step. I can do the next thing. Again, I'm bringing this back to our faith because I think there's so much can be can be taken from this is when when you let go of trying to control everything and you make room for God to guide you, it changes everything. Overwhelm is a signal. It's often a signal that we've taken on what was never ours to carry. And so it's time to take this back to God and say, what is mine? And if you're struggling with that again, this can get into boundaries, which I'm going to talk about, but that's super important is realizing that if we're in a place that they're just, you know, when you put it down on paper and there's just too much to do, then we need to go back to prayer and to the drawing board and say, I've taken on more than God is asking me to. So now that we understand where overwhelm comes from, let's look at how we can move out of it. Practically, these are some practical things. I'm going to give you some simple tools that you can implement today. The first one is a brain dump. And this is just going back to journaling, taking five minutes and writing down everything swirling about in your mind. Do not edit it. Don't try and sift through it. Just get it out of your head and onto paper. Just five minutes, set the timer. When you see it in front of you, it will help bring some clarity about what's going on. And then the next part is this is the most important part is separating the facts from your thoughts. What are actual tasks or obligations and what are the stressful thoughts that you've attached to them? Thoughts like, I'll never get this done, or they'll be mad if I don't so-and-so, or I need to be there, or if I don't do this, no one else will, or I I can't do all this, or I have too much to do. Those are the kind of thoughts that we need to manage and that will reduce our overwhelm. And then when you have those thoughts, I want you to just take this next step and be sure to challenge those thoughts. Is it true? Is it true that I'll never get all of this done? You know, let's take a look at words like never and all of this, reframing a thought to something like, you know, I only need to get certain things done today. This is what I'm going to work on today. And these thoughts of never and I have to and I need to, those are really, really strong, powerless words that are swirling around in your mind. So and the thing that also is just always, even if it feels like it's true, like I do need to, this is the question that I love to come back to is it bearing good fruit in your life? Do you like the results it's creating? So, you know, basically, do you like feeling overwhelmed? Do you like how you're showing up? And the answer, of course, is it's likely no. And therefore, those are the thoughts that you want to try and work on. And then another practical tool is just deciding what matters today, breaking it down into today, and then just pick three things that truly matter today and setting everything else aside. Not everything that could matter, but everything that definitely needs to get done today. Because overwhelm will fade when you focus on something specific and you let every all the other noise, because again, it's it's basically like all these things bouncing around in your head, pulling you in all these different directions. And when you can begin to focus on just a couple of things, you eliminate all that noise. And this next one is saying no, and it's not just saying no, but saying no from a place of peace, which is really challenging for some of you. I hear this a lot when I'm working with people in coaching. Even if you've gotten yourself to try and be able to say no to things, you still feel all this guilt. You've you're hanging on to things. So saying no from a place of peace. And that really goes back to boundaries and understanding, again, what's yours, what's your responsibility, and what is not. Overwhelm grows when you haven't set appropriate boundaries. You're not meant to carry everyone else's expectations. A loving no when it's appropriate will create peace in your life. Now, the next one is just simply, this is a very practical thing, is just to pause and take a breath. When you start to feel yourself, you know, your shoulders tensing up, your chest tightening, your mind is racing, right? You're finding yourself getting very maybe uptight or anxious. Just pause. Take a deep breath and remind yourself, I'm okay. I'm capable. I have everything I need right now in this moment. I have everything I need to do what's needed of me. And that's the key word. What's needed of me, not expected. I can do one thing at a time, and that's all that's needed. You know, think about it. Even Jesus withdrew to quiet places, right? He needed to recollect himself. There was a lot thrown at him, and in his humanity, he still needed to retreat and have some quiet. There was people that were constantly needing him. They were constantly pulling him in different directions. Think about the crowds that followed him. But he also knew that he needed he needed to retreat and to connect with God so that he could restore his peace. Because that's where his power and his effectiveness came from. So to recap, overwhelm is not created by your schedule, it's created by your thinking. And when you're able to change your thoughts, you can change your emotional experience. And that's really what overwhelm is your emotional experience. And I want to encourage you that you don't have to eliminate every task. Often that isn't even possible, but you just need to be able to bring order to your mind. Peace begins in your thoughts. And remembering that you're not powerless, you can change your thoughts, and therefore you can change your experiences. So this week, when you feel overwhelmed, if it's something that you're struggling with on a daily basis and it's occupying most of your days, then this is really great for you. But if it's somebody that, if you're somebody that it just comes up occasionally, I want you to pause and ask yourself, what am I thinking right now that's creating this feeling? What am I thinking? Another thing is to just where do I need to set better boundaries about what I'm saying yes to? If your mind is constantly on loop of, I just have so much to do, I have so much I need to get done, I have so much, too much, whatever that looks like for you, then this is a time that I want to invite you to be very clear about where you need to set boundaries. What am I saying yes to? God does not put everything on your plate. And are you trying to take on too many things? Another reflection that I want you to think on is just when this happens, is to pause and ask yourself, what is one small thing that I can do right now? What's the one thing that I need to focus on? And then I want to offer you this prayer. And I don't know if you want to just tab this in the podcast or write this down or just make note of it right now, but in your mind and ask the Lord to remind you of this. But just a simple prayer. And it can look like whatever you want, but something as simple as this. You know, Lord, quiet my heart when my thoughts feel loud. Help me to focus on what's truly mine to carry and to trust you with the rest. All right, that's all I have for you today. And I pray that you all have an amazing week and that you begin to put into practice what I've shared here. My hope is that you begin to feel empowered, like you have some control. That things, this isn't all just happening to you, that you're powerless over your schedule, over your time, over what's on your plate. I want you to feel empowered about what you're allowing, and that's the key word allowing to control your time. But more importantly, I want you to feel empowered to effectively manage your mind, specifically your thoughts. So until next time, onward and upward, my friends, to the heights. Thanks so much for listening today. If you have any questions or would like to go deeper into this topic or how it affects you in your own life, you can find me at SharonKcoaching.com. That's Sharon the Letterk Coaching.com. If you've enjoyed listening, please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite platform. And feel free to share with anyone you think might benefit from what you've heard.