#36 Why Guilt Doesn’t Motivate (And What Does)

Ever try to shame yourself into a habit only to feel stuck and tired? We explore why guilt can force short-term compliance but rarely creates the deep, steady motivation that sustains prayer, health, and order. Drawing on a faith-centered lens and practical psychology, we unpack how curiosity and acceptance become catalysts for lasting change—and how that same posture can transform the way we motivate our kids, spouses, and teams.

We start with a relatable morning misstep and use it to reveal the inner scripts that keep us stuck: shoulds, harsh self-talk, and quiet comparisons. From there, we separate extrinsic motivation—driven by fear, guilt, or people-pleasing—from intrinsic motivation rooted in purpose, love, and conviction. You’ll hear why kindness, not shame, opens the heart, and how this aligns with spiritual wisdom about how real transformation happens through relationship and invitation.

Expect practical tools you can try today. We walk through a morning prayer habit using curiosity to diagnose obstacles, acceptance to reduce resistance, and small environmental tweaks to make follow-through easier. You’ll get simple phrases that shift conversations from pressure to partnership—like help me understand what’s been hard—so home and work feel safer and more collaborative. We also connect the dots between nervous system safety, problem-solving brain states, and the consistency you’ve been chasing.

Leave with reflection prompts for prayer and journaling, a renewed sense of compassion for yourself, and grounded language to lead with grace. If this speaks to you, subscribe, share the show with a friend, and leave a quick review so more listeners can find these tools. Your next step: pick one habit and try replacing should with I wonder what’s getting in the way—then tell us what you notice.

Click the link below to set up a free discovery call to begin your transformation today.  Or email me @ smurph923.sm@gmail.com to find out more about how I can help.  

https://calendly.com/smurph923-sm/discovery-call

https://sharonkcoaching.com/

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Transcript

Welcome And A Monday Confession

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Hello and welcome to my podcast. My name is Sharon Murphy and I'm a certified life and mindset coach and I help women who seek to be happy and holy. Each week I'll bring you tools and insights to help you on your journey to the heights. I'm so glad you're here. Hello and welcome back, everybody. Hope you're all doing well. Uh today is a Monday when I record. My podcast is usually a Monday. It doesn't get released until Thursday, but I try and get it recorded on a Monday each week. And I must say that it definitely felt like a Monday for me this morning. I struggled to get myself going. And I was feeling a little guilty. It's funny because the podcast is talking about why guilt doesn't motivate. And I found myself feeling guilty because today is actually my husband's birthday. And I planned on getting up early and doing something nice, making him some coffee at the very minimum before he headed off to work. And I didn't do that. I was just feeling tired and lazy. And I'm from Wisconsin and there was a Packer game on last night. And they I stayed up later than I normally would have when I was watching the game. So as I found myself crawling out of bed this morning and realizing that my husband was gone to work already and he works out of town. He was driving like an hour and a half away and he's all by himself. Today, my son, who usually works with him, is out of out of state hunting at the time. So I was feeling guilty about the fact that I didn't wish him well as he was heading off to the day of work all by himself. Having your birthday on a Monday is kind of crummy anyway. Isn't it one of the worst days to have a birthday? But that said, so shout out to my husband when you hear this. He usually tries to listen when I release him. Hopefully it's still his birthday week. He'll get the birthday message, but if not, it's belated. So happy birthday, hon. But I want to ask you as we get started, have you ever tried to motivate yourself to change? Maybe to pray more consistently or eat better or to get more organized, to follow a routine, only to find that the harder you pushed, the more resistant you felt. Or maybe you tried to motivate someone else, a child, a spouse, a coworker, you know, using guilt, reminders, or maybe even a bit of frustration. And it didn't go the way you hoped. You end up thinking, I'm just not motivated, right? I'm lazy. I can't get myself to do this. Or they just don't listen to me if it's someone else. I can't get them to do what I tell them to. Nobody listens. I can tell you in my own experience, when I look back at my life, especially with raising my kids, I realize that I used guilt way too much. And I think part of it is I use that same tone with myself. I find myself when I started to really dive into the thoughts I'm having and the way my mind works, there's a whole lot of guilt messages in there. You should know better. What are you doing? In a very harsh tone. And what happens is that's exactly how I portrayed that with my kids. There was a lot of a lot of tactics to get them to comply, and it was using guilt or shame, which is even worse. And of course, the result is maybe maybe there was some compliance, but really what happens is they shut down. Just like we don't realize, and we're going to get into in this episode, is we shut down when we do that to ourselves. It's a lose-lose situation, for sure. And as I've come to learn, guilt might create compliance, as I talked about, but it never creates lasting change. And it certainly doesn't help to build relationship and connection if it's with others or even with ourselves. We have a relationship with ourselves, whether we know that or not. When I began to understand that real motivation, the kind that actually transforms us, comes not from guilt or from pressure, but from curiosity and acceptance. I decided this was something I wanted to talk about because I think the reality is, is even when we know this, we have some understanding of it, we fall back into our old patterns without even realizing it. It's something we need to continue to practice and to grow of understanding. So today we're going to just explore a little bit what that means, both how we motivate others and how we motivate ourselves. Let's start with a simple truth, and that is motivation isn't about pushing harder, it's about aligning with truth, purpose, and love. And there's there's really two main types of motivation that I see. Extrinsic motivation, which comes from the outside, and it's typically from guilt, fear, or a desire to please others. And then intrinsic motivation, which comes from within, from love, purpose, and conviction. Now, that doesn't mean we can't be motivated by other people. We can, but if if it's properly done, what moves us to change, what moves us to be motivated to take long-term action, real change, transformative change, it's going to actually be coming from within because we're convicted, right? And it comes from a place of love and a sense of purpose. So when we use guilt or shame to motivate, whether it's ourselves or someone else, we're operating from fear. And fear can produce action, but it's usually only temporary. For example, think about when you tell yourself, I should really start eating better. I'm so unhealthy. That might push you to make a change for a day or two. I think we can, a lot of us can relate. We've been there, right? But it's not rooted in self-respect or love. It's rooted in judgment. And judgment always carries resistance. And the same is true when we try to motivate others. If the motivation comes from fear, pressure, or guilt, what happens is our hearts shut down. That's why lasting motivation motivation requires something deeper, something that it's rooted in how God actually works with us. Romans 2.4 says it's God's kindness that leads us to repentance. Key word kindness, kindness. It's not his guilt, not his shame, not his disappointment. It's God's kindness. And if that's how God motivates transformation, shouldn't that also shape how we motivate change in ourselves and others? So let's let's look closer at why guilt and shame don't work. I've mentioned this before, but guilt says I did something wrong. Shame says there's something wrong with me. Shame points to ourselves as being the problems. Guilt says that something went wrong. I did something wrong. Shame means I am wrong. Now, guilt, just to be clear, guilt can serve a purpose. It can highlight something that's out of alignment with our values and God's will, right? We need that to keep ourselves in check so we're living a moral life. But when it's unchecked, it easily turns into shame. And shame does not lead to repentance, it leads to hiding. Take, for example, Adam and Eve in the garden. After sin entered, after Eve was tempted, took the apple, and Adam had his part there as well. So I'm not trying to just point to Eve, but we know the story. But after sin entered, what did they do? They hid. They didn't run toward God, they turned away from him. And isn't that exactly what happens when we try to motivate others through guilt? We hide, we withdraw, we get defensive or discouraged. You might tell yourself things like, I should be further along by now. I'll never get this right, or what's wrong with me? Those kind of thoughts do not inspire growth. They drain energy and self-trust. Now think about the same dynamic plays out when we do it to others. When we try to motivate someone through guilt or comparison, it may sound like, after all I've done for you, you should care more. Or you're better than this, or you know better. We mean well, but the message received by the other person is often you're not enough. That's what's received. And that shuts down the very openness that's needed for transformation. When guilt becomes the primary motivator, we might see short-term results, but the heart is not engaged. And when the heart isn't engaged, the behavior doesn't last. So the question then becomes: if guilt and shame don't create lasting change, what does? Well, this is where grace comes in. Curiosity and acceptance are two of the most powerful motivators, and they mirror how God interacts with us. Curiosity sounds like, I wonder why this is happening. What might be getting in the way here? Or what am I trying to meet right now? Acceptance sounds like, this is where I am today, and that's okay. Or this is what's true right now. Acceptance does not mean approval. It just simply means that we're willing to see the truth without judgment because you can't change what you don't look at. So, for example, imagine you're struggling to keep a consistent prayer routine. So instead of thinking, I'm terrible at this, I'm just lazy. You might shift curiosity, which sounds like I notice that I keep skipping morning prayer. I wonder why. What's happening that I'm skipping the prayer? You start to get curious. And maybe you realize that you're staying up too late, or that you're not, maybe you're not eating the right diet, properly nourishing yourself, or you're starting your day by scrolling on your phone. Curiosity helps you identify the obstacles without attacking your worse. And acceptance says, okay, that's what's happening right now. I can work on that. That small shift opens the door for compassion and growth. When we motivate ourselves or others from curiosity and acceptance, we create safety, the same emotional safety that God gives us when we when He invites us to grow. Because it's not your bad. It's let's take a look at this. That's where transformation begins. Now I want to talk about what this looks like in real life, how curiosity and acceptance, as we talked about, which lead to compassion, actually help us change habits, stay consistent, and motivate not only ourselves, but others with grace instead of guilt. And why do we struggle? Why do we struggle to offer compassion to ourselves? Well, let's bring it down to where most of us live, the everyday habits and goals that we want to improve on. Maybe you're trying to pray more consistently or build healthier routines in your day or respond more calmly when things don't go your way. Whatever the area it is, here's what's important to remember. When you try to change from guilt, you're focusing on what's wrong. When you change from curiosity and acceptance, you focus on what's possible. So let's take a simple example here. Let's talk about again building the morning prayer habit. The guilt-based approach sounds like this. I can't believe I skipped again. I'm just not a disciplined person. I keep letting God down. That's kind of that kind of thinking feels really heavy. And it just makes you want to avoid even trying. But curiosity sounds like interesting. I've been missing prayer lately. I wonder what's making that so hard for me. I wonder what the reason is. That small shift opens the door to discovery. I have to say that if you're listening to this and that sounds like, okay, I would never speak to myself that way, then that's a a great prompt for you. I want to encourage you to really take this seriously because obviously you're probably trying to beat yourself up. You're using guilt and shame as your primarily, primary ways to motivate yourself. And I just want to ask you, is it working? And if it is, okay. Then you can just, you know, continue to run with that. But if it's not, then I really want you to take this seriously. You might realize, as we've talked about, okay, that when you're talking about curiosity, you might realize that maybe when you get curious, the reason that you're struggling with this prayer routine is that you're going to bed too late, or that I'm checking my emails before I get out of bed. And now you're problem solving, not punishing. And maybe, like I said, it's something you need to take a look at your diet. Maybe you need to make sure that you're getting properly nourished. Maybe you're not taking your vitamins. Maybe you need to be drinking more water. It could be something that's, you know, a physical issue that you need to be working on. Now, acceptance in this same area that steps in and says, okay, this is where I'm at right now. It's not ideal, but it is what it is. And when you start with honesty instead of shame, you create space. This approach also applies to every kind of personal growth, from getting healthier to managing your time better, to whatever it is. It doesn't matter what the goal is. When we operate from guilt, we say I should be better. When we operate from curiosity, we ask ourselves, what's keeping me from showing up the way I want to? That question opens up compassion, and compassion keeps us in the game long enough to actually grow. Let's turn to the other side of this, how we motivate others. Because for many of us, that's where guilt and shame sneak in the most, whether it's with our kids, our spouse, or even at work, we often fall into the trap of thinking that pressure equals progress. But I do want to say, while it shows up and we may recognize it when we're doing it to others, it's highly likely, if that's your mode of motivation for others, that that's what you're using on yourself as well. So I think that you can tackle one area, but I think both are probably affected. If you're using one on yourself, you're likely doing that with others. And if you're using this with others, you're likely using it on yourself. So when we say things to others, like, you need to take this seriously, or why can't you just do what you know you should, or you know what you should be doing. Why won't you just do it? The truth is the moment someone feels judged, which is what they're feeling, their heart closes. Just like ours does when we talk to ourselves that way. Now, here's why curiosity and acceptance, this is what it sounds like in relationships. It sounds like you should know better, right? Instead of you should you should know better. Why don't you try help me understand what's been hard for you? That's curiosity and acceptance. Instead of you never listen, you never listen to what I'm saying. Curiosity and acceptance sound like I can tell that this matters to you. Can we talk about it? Can we talk about what's getting in the way? Do you feel the difference? Help me understand what's been hard for you. Or I know this matters to you. Can we talk about what's getting in the way? That feels very different. The first one creates resistance. You you should know better. You never listen. Even just speaking that as I'm recording this, I can feel resistance in myself. And obviously, if somebody you know were to speak that to me, I would feel resistance. So, of course, others are gonna are gonna feel resistance when we're speaking that way. But the second creates relationship and connection. Help me understand what's been hard for you in this. Help me understand why you're struggling with this. I can tell this matters to you. That creates connection. Can we talk about what's getting in the way? And here's what's amazing when we motivate through curiosity and acceptance, we're actually reflecting to ourselves and to others God's heart. Because his way of motivating, it's always been relational. God invites, he listens, he reminds us of who we are, and he gives us the freedom to respond. That's real leadership, that's real influence, and that's influence that lasts. So now I want to talk about why this works. We know that curiosity and acceptance are the way that we should motivate, but let's let's look at why and why guilt and shame, why it does not work. Let's look at why this works both psychologically and spiritually. So, from a mindset perspective, guilt and shame activate the brain's defense system. When we feel judged through guilt and shame, our nervous system goes into protection mode. And that protection mode is fight, flight, or freeze. So we either go into flight, we go into excuse me, we go into fight, we go into flight, or we freeze. And that's why when you criticize yourself or someone else, change actually becomes harder. We don't change when we're in fight, flight, or freeze. The brain is trying to protect itself, protect yourself, not grow. Curiosity, on the other hand, it engages a completely different part of the brain. It it engages the problem solving and creative center of the brain. Acceptance regulates the nervous system. It tells your brain you're okay, you're safe, you're safe to explore, you're safe to come up with solutions to get creative, to problem solve. And this is where growth happens. Spiritually, the same thing applies. God doesn't manipulate. God's love does not manipulate. It's not shame that transforms the human heart. It's love. And when we align with that truth in how we speak to ourselves and others, we begin to see lasting change, not just momentary compliance. We don't really want compliance anyway. It might seem effective momentarily, but we really don't, we don't want that. We don't want people that are compliant around us. We don't want to be compliant ourselves. So as we think about our own life, as you think about your own life right now, where might guilt be driving your motivation? Where might shame be keeping you stuck in the same cycle? And what would it look like to replace that guilt with curiosity? To say, what's really going on here instead of what's wrong with me? And maybe there's someone in your life who needs your encouragement right now, not your pressure. The reason you're holding on to pressure is because there's some part of you that believes you're going to be able to motivate them to change, to get them to do what you want them to do. Even if objectively it's for the good, pressure isn't going to motivate lasting change, which is really what you're looking for. So what if the next conversation you have with them was led by curiosity, not control or pressure, by acceptance, not accusation. Imagine how that might change the atmosphere, the tone in your home, in your relationships, or even in your prayer life. This is how real transformation happens. It's not about, it's not through guilt or striving, it's through grace. And that happens one small shift at a time. It's a shift in how you show up. It's a shift in your mindset. It's a practice, yes, but it's also a mindset shift that you need to wrap your head around. It's in changing those thoughts and the way you think. Because the more you practice those kinds of thoughts, the more you practice curiosity, acceptance, that will become your natural, natural way of showing up. It'll become the natural way that you speak to yourself and naturally the way you speak to others. So as we close today, I want to leave you with a reflection that you can take to prayer and journaling this week. And I want to just have you reflect on this. Where in your life are you trying to motivate yourself or others through guilt or pressure? So ask yourself, where in my life am I trying to motivate myself or others through guilt or pressure? And what would it look like to shift toward curiosity and acceptance instead? I'm going to repeat that again. Where in my life am I trying to motivate myself or others through guilt or pressure? And what would it look like to shift toward curiosity and acceptance? Take that to your prayer time and sit with it. I promise you the Lord will reveal something to you. And be very, very careful because if you if you notice that the Lord reveals to you where you're using guilt and shame to motivate others, do not use that as an excuse or a reason to start to load guilt and shame on yourself. That's the whole idea of this practice, right? Don't use that. I started this episode with the fact of how I recognize that there was guilt and shame in my parenting and the way I, even in my marriage, but also with my kids, I particularly with my children. And that's a real practice for me to adopt is to make sure that I'm not feeling guilty about the way I use guilt, right? That doesn't, that doesn't work. It doesn't help things. I need to get curious and ask myself, why is it that I'm using guilt and shame? What's behind that? What's the reason? And then also to take that into my parenting moving forward in all my relationships, right? So let those questions sit with you. You don't have to rush to fix it. This isn't, you don't have to rush to try and get control of this. Just sit with it. Notice what comes up. This is a process and it's a practice. It's something you're going to need to learn because you're going to fall back into old habits and patterns. But as you do this, as things come up for you, just remember God isn't standing over you demanding change, right? He's walking beside you. He's inviting you to see, to learn, and to grow. Have compassion on yourself. And once you do that, you'll begin to have compassion on others. That's where lasting motivation begins, and that's where transformation happens. So I hope you'll be encouraged to lead with curiosity and acceptance as you go out into your day and into the week, not only with others, but also with yourself. And as always, thank you so much for spending this time with me. And until next time, onward and upward, my friends, to the heights. Thanks so much for listening today. If you have any questions or would like to go deeper into this topic or how it affects you in your own life, you can find me at Sharon K Coaching.com. That's Sharon the LetterK Coaching.com. If you've enjoyed listening, please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite platform. And feel free to share with anyone you think might benefit from what you've heard.