#54 The #1 Mistake Moms Make With Their Adult Children

We unpack why unsolicited advice, even when loving, often lands as criticism and pushes adult children away. We share a practical path to move from director to trusted influencer through listening, validation, consent, and emotional self-awareness.

• the hidden impact of unsolicited advice on trust
• intention versus impact in mother–adult child talks
• what adult children actually seek from parents
• shifting roles from authority to mentor
• the three-step framework: listen, validate, ask
• reading body language and respecting no
• checking your emotional state before speaking
• choosing connection over being right
• building long-term influence through safety
• normalizing the learning curve for moms

Five Things Your Adult Child Needs to Hear From You
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Transcript

The Hidden Cost Of Unsolicited Advice

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Have you ever said something to your adult child that you meant to be helpful, and somehow it just didn't land that way? Maybe you suggested something about their finances, their parenting, their career, or their relationship, and suddenly the conversation got tense. They got quiet, or maybe they were defensive, but you noticed something shifted, and it just didn't feel right, and you walked away thinking, gosh, I was only trying to help. If you're a mom navigating relationships with your adult child, today's episode is incredibly important because there's one mistake many loving moms make that slowly damages connection with their adult kids. And the surprising part is that it usually comes from love and concern. Hello and welcome to my podcast. My name is Sharon Murphy, and I'm a certified life and mindset coach, and I help women who seek to be happy and holy. Each week I'll bring you tools and insights to help you on your journey to the heights. I'm so glad you're here. Welcome back to the podcast. Today we're going to be talking about something that almost every mother of adult children struggles with. And honestly, something that comes from a really good place. Because the truth is, most of us spent 20, 25, maybe even 30 years guiding our children. We taught them how to pray, we helped them to make decisions, we corrected them, we've protected them, we ran them pretty much everywhere they wanted us to take them. So when they become adults, it's very natural for us to keep doing what we've always done. But there's one habit that can unintentionally damage connection with our adult children. And that habit is offering unsolicited advice. Now, if you've ever thought, gosh, I can't say anything, or I was only trying to help, or why does she get so defensive, then this episode is for you. Because today I want to talk about why this happens, why it pushes our adult children away, and what to do instead. Before we get started, I want to just share a quick example of how this happens in our lives and how I see this happen all the time, actually. I'm talking to a mother and she's telling me about a conversation that she has with her daughter. And her daughter was talking about being overwhelmed with work and with childcare. She was exhausted and she was just venting about how stressful things felt to her. And the mom listening for a moment, and then she just simply said something like, Well, maybe you shouldn't work so many hours. Almost instantly, the daughter became short with her. And I want to clarify, the mother, when she expressed this to me, she came at it from a place of not judgment. And maybe the way I just said that is, why don't you work, you know, maybe you shouldn't work so many hours. Maybe the way I portrayed that sounded a little bit judgmental. But the mother assured me that she really said it from a place of love and concern, which I think is the case for most of us. But instantly the daughter became short with her, and the conversation ended fairly quickly. And what this woman shared with me was that in part, she had the thought of like, I don't understand what happened. I was just trying to help her. And she was confused, right? She was confused by her daughter's reaction, and truthfully, she didn't see that she had any part in why her daughter reacted as she did. She was only trying to understand what was wrong with her daughter, what was up with that. But she was confused as well. And so I just want to share that here's what's really happening in that scenario. The daughter wasn't looking for solutions. She wasn't looking for her mom to solve her problems. She was looking for her understanding. She wanted someone to say, wow, that sounds really hard. And when advice comes before understanding, before our adult children feel like they're heard, what happens is they feel corrected instead of supported. And this actually already begins when our kids are teenagers and sometimes even younger. This process of them becoming their own person, forming their own identity. We start to see this happen. This is why we talk about that shift of where we feel like they're challenging us or they're upset with us or annoyed with us. It's this pushing back and forth because they are trying to move into their own individual person, right? They're gaining their independence. And we as parents are helping them navigate that. And that's a challenging time that has its own issues and its own challenges because they are not yet adults. But as our kids become adults, this becomes magnified as because the reality is that they are indeed adults, and we need to remember that. Meaning that they want to have the freedom, they deserve the freedom to make their own choices and decisions, as do we all. What happens over time is that they just pull away. They stop sharing, they share less because they don't want to hear our input. They don't want to have, they don't want to be told what to do. So let's dive in. Why do we give advice? Well, most mothers give advice because they care deeply. We care about our kids. We see potential problems, we see mistakes they might make, we see paths that might hurt them, and we've we've spent our entire lives protecting them, right? That's been that's been our whole mission. And that's where we've put our heart for so many years. So it makes sense. And in our minds, we're thinking, you know, I've been around the block, as we say, or I've experienced this, I know how to help you. Or we just, you know, are thinking, I just want to save them from pain, maybe some of the pain that, you know, we've experienced in our own life, and we want to protect them from that. But here's the problem: when advice is unsolicited, our adult children, our big kids, often experience it very differently than we intend. Instead of hearing love, what they hear is criticism. Instead of hearing our concern and care, they really just hear a lack of trust. And instead of feeling supported, they feel controlled. And that's when they start to put up the walls. That's when we start to see the change and the shift when we're talking to them. And we know this as moms. We've experienced this. You know exactly what I'm talking about. If you have older kids or teenagers, you know how this plays out. You can sense the shift in their reaction to us. So let's talk about if they resist this, if they feel criticism and lack of trust and control. What is it that they actually want? What is it that our adult children actually want? Well, most adult children don't want another authority figure in their life. They are now adults. They are independent beings. They want something else. They need something else. What they're looking for is respect, emotional safety, to feel trusted, to feel like they're capable adults, essentially, just as you and I do. It's the same thing that we need, right? Even if they're still trying to figure things out, let's say that they're young and they've just launched into adulthood and they're trying to navigate some of these things that they've not dealt with before. Even if they're making mistakes. And honestly, mistakes are how we grow. That's how we got to where we are today. We don't like to admit that. And it's natural for us to want to try and prevent our kids from making the same mistakes. It's what we do. We're there to protect them. And so we don't want them to make mistakes, but that is how adults grow. And if we rush in with advice every time we see a potential problem, what we're unintentionally communicating to them is that I don't trust you to handle your life. That's essentially what they're, that's the message that they're getting. Now, that isn't what we mean, at least rarely, that's what we mean, but that is what they hear. So, what do we need to do as moms? How do we how do we change this? Well, there is a transition that needs to take place. The transition that has to happen is this. We need to change our role as parents. We need to move from directing their lives to becoming an influencer in their lives. We need to become an influencer, if you will. I know that term is new to a lot of us that are certain ages. Influencer is a fairly, it's a fairly new term in the grand scheme of things. But it's a very common term out there today. So we you may have feelings about the the term using that phrase influencer. But the reality is we all want to be one of the major influencers in our children's lives. We want to be the one that they turn to when they're looking for advice. That's actually what we're invited to do here. But we can't influence them if we're directing them because influence, it's not demanded. It has to be invited. And it's something that takes time, it has to grow. So when our kids are younger, we were the guides and we were the we were the authorities. That was our role. That was our job. It's our responsibility as parents to bring up our children. But as adults, the healthiest role become something more like a mentor. It's someone who listens to them, someone who encourages them, who shares wisdom when invited. That's the key there, when invited. Because you and I both know we feel we got a lot of wisdom, right? And we we probably do, but it needs to be invited. And also it's someone who supports their autonomy. And this shift is actually deeply aligned with our faith. Because the reality is that God Himself does not force, he never forces himself on anyone. He invites, he allows freedom. We have free will, right? And that's the model that we need to follow. And that's hard for us as moms. It really is. It's hard for us as parents. So, what do we do instead of giving advice? What do you do when your child shares something with you? They're sharing that a new job, they're considering a new job, or there's a big purchase that they're looking into. Maybe it's a car or a home, or maybe it's a move. Maybe they plan on moving across the country. Now, instead of jumping in with advice, try this. The first thing is just to listen fully. And I say listen fully, meaning try and hear all aspects of it. Not while preparing what you're going to say. Just listen. Give them your undivided attention. Open up your mind to hear everything that they're sharing. Pretend that you're hearing all of this as an outsider and you're really trying to learn and understand. And that's the key there, is to really understand where they're coming from and where their heart is, not just preparing how you're going to respond. And that's very challenging. It sounds simple, but it's really challenging. Now, the second thing you can do is to validate their experience. You might say something like, That sounds really difficult, or I can see that you're feeling this, I can see why you're feeling this way. Now, just to be clear, validation, validating what they're saying or what they're they're bringing to you is not suggesting that you agree with it. And this is really, really important because so many times we don't validate it, we immediately jump in to offer advice in this spot right here. We think we're listening and yet we're preparing a response. And then as soon as we do we don't validate, we jump in and offer advice. Because we fear that by validating, they're gonna think that we're agreeing with it. And if it's, and maybe we don't disagree with it, but if it's something that they're making a decision that maybe doesn't align with our faith values, right? We all know how that how that happens in our homes and in our families. We just get concerned that if we validate it, they're gonna think that we agree with them. Validation does not mean agreement. It just simply acknowledges their experience. And that acknowledgement will go a long way. Now, the next thing you can do, if you really feel like you want to offer some advice, the thing that you must do here is to ask permission before ever offering the advice. This this is where things can change. You might say something like, Well, do you mind if I share my thoughts on that? Or can I share something that I learned when I went through something similar? And if they say yes, great, they're open. But if they say no, then you've got to protect the relationship and then you hold off. Now I want to say this. If they say sure, but you can tell by their demeanor and their body language that they really don't want to hear it, but they're just obliging you out of, you know, being kind or out of obedience, then you need to hold off. You can read by their body language if they are really truly interested in the advice or if they're just obliging you. So that's the key. Pay attention to how they respond. The important thing here is to remember that your relationship with them is always more important than you being right. And now, just to be fair here, I'm not going to suggest, actually, what I want to say here is something that I think it's worth mentioning. Because sometimes when your child brings something to you, you can be thrown off a little bit. What I what I'm going to say here is that you may need to pause and ask yourself, what kind of emotional state am I in before you ever move to the next move beyond listening and validating? You may not ever want to get to that point of offering advice because it may very well be the case that if you're upset or you're emotionally thrown off by what they've shared, because if it is something that has triggered you, or if it's something that has wounded you, because it maybe it is something that's pretty deep and impactful and it doesn't align with what you believe for them, or it's it just basically you just weren't prepared for it, right? We all know those situations. They can come to you and say, hey, guess what? I'm moving across the country next week. That's that's going to set you off emotionally. And if that's the case, this is not the time to move beyond listening and validating. That's when you need to give yourself time to process your emotions at a later time when you have this the time and the space. Because if you're emotionally fragile from what they've just shared, you're in no place to share advice. No matter how good of advice it is, your child is going to be able to read your emotional state for sure. Trust me, they can read you like a book. They've been borrowing from your emotional state most of their childhood. So this that's why so often we think that we may have said the appropriate thing, right? If if we aren't emotionally at peace and coming from a place of genuine love and concern, being, and to clarify this, detached from the outcome, they're gonna feel it. Even if we say, well, I'm coming from a loving place, if you're coming from a place that is loving but carries some desperation or some pressure, and they can tell that you're really driving this towards an outcome that you want to achieve, they'll feel it. They'll feel it. So if you're feeling triggered or emotionally charged by what they've shared, just listen and then acknowledge what they've said. In these situations, it's okay to be honest. You can say something like, you know what, you actually took me off guard there. I wasn't prepared for that. You know, it sounds like something you're serious about, or wow, that's a big move. I wasn't expecting you to say that. That's okay. That's a that's being a hundred percent honest, but just don't tread into giving advice if you're not a hundred percent in a calm and connected emotional state. So, so why does all of this matter for your long-term relationship? And again, that's the key here. Investing in your long-term relationship because here's the beautiful thing about refraining from giving unsolicited advice and moving to a place of listening and asking questions. When you do this, your child will begin to feel differently about your encounters with them. They're gonna feel respected, they'll feel trusted, and they're gonna feel emotionally safe. And they actually become more open to your wisdom. They actually move to a place where they start asking you, what do you think? Or did you ever deal with something like this? And that's where your real influence begins. Not through control, but through connection. And again, what we're really looking for here is investing in the relationship. The relationship is the most important part. Because if we really want to grow our influence with our kids, if we want to be connected to them, we need to invest in that relationship. So if this is something that you're struggling with, I just want you to know, first of all, that you're not alone. Almost every mother out there navigating this transition to adult children faces the same challenge. We all do. I can tell you, it took me a little bit by surprise. You know, I think we have this idea that we have young children and we go through all the growing pains and we read all the books and we do all the work, we watch all the videos, we we we're feeding off of everything we can to try and learn. We're asking everybody we know what's the right way to handle things. And then we navigate into the teenage years, and we there's plenty of things out there to guide us and to help us on our journey. And we have an idea that when our children are launched, that we're done, that we've done our job. And in part, we have the the bulk of what we've done, at least in that capacity, it is done. But our roles change, they shift. And if you're like me, which I think a lot of moms out there are, you're not prepared for it. I know I wasn't prepared for it. I wasn't prepared for how to respond in those situations. I wasn't prepared how to bite my tongue. And I'm I'm learning, and I'm learning along with you. And so that's why I'm sharing this with you today, because I think it's so important for us to understand that when we're offering advice, it's not received as advice. It's not received from a place of love. It's received as criticism. Whether we like that or not, it's important that we understand that. But here's the good news this is a skill that you can learn, just like anything else that I teach here. And just like anything else, it's going to require practice on your part. So if you find yourself dishing out advice when you didn't mean it, mean to, it's okay. The fact that you're even aware of it or noticing it, that's the big first step. And now you know, because you will catch yourself. Maybe not even in the moment, but you will afterwards, or especially in that moment when you notice your child when you're doing that shifts. Maybe they tune you out, maybe they walk out of the room. Maybe you can tell it in their expression or their body language. You'll become aware. That's the important thing. So, and if you take nothing else from today, I want you to remember this. Almost all of us desire, more than anything else, as moms, to connect deeply with our kids. That is one of our greatest desires. It's one of our greatest needs. And that's what we hope for. We hope for this in all of our relationships, right? It doesn't matter who it is. We want to connect deeply. But this is most especially with our kids. And it's important to remember that connection grows when our children feel understood, not when they feel managed. And that's what they feel when we're offering advice when they haven't asked for it. They feel managed. And if what I've shared with you today has resonated with you at all, you need to check out my guide that I put together. And the guide is titled Five Things Your Adult Child Needs to Hear From You. This is where I share with you the five things your adult child needs to hear from you. If you're wanting to grow your relationship and connect more deeply with your adult children, then this is for you. I'll share that link in the show notes for you to go ahead and grab that free guide. And if this episode spoke to you, share it with another mom who might need to hear this. Because motherhood doesn't end when our children become adults, you guys. It doesn't. But it does change. And learning how to navigate that change with peace, confidence, and wisdom is one of the most important things that we can do. So until next time, onward and upward, my friends, to the heights. Thanks so much for listening today. If you have any questions or would like to go deeper into this topic or how it affects you in your own life, you can find me at Sharon KCoing.com. That's Sharon the Letterk Coaching.com. If you've enjoyed listening, please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite platform. And feel free to share with anyone you think might benefit from what you've heard.