#65 Gen X vs. Gen Z: What’s Actually Happening Inside Families Right Now

We name the quiet shift happening inside families where Gen X parents and Gen Z adult kids use the same words but mean totally different things about love, loyalty, respect, and boundaries. We hold both sides with compassion and talk about how to stay emotionally healthy without turning family relationships into something fragile and disposable. 
• why many families feel careful, tense, or distant even with real love 
• defining Generation X, millennials, and Generation Z in plain terms 
• independence and survival-first formation versus emotional awareness and healing-first formation 
• how social media, constant comparison, and world-crisis exposure shape anxiety and self-worth 
• authority, institutional distrust, and why “just because I said so” no longer works 
• clashing communication styles: solution-focused versus emotionally detailed language 
• delayed adulthood, living at home longer, and constant contact through texting and location sharing 
• how boundaries help people leave abuse yet can also become avoidance or control 
• the hidden grief many Gen X parents carry when access feels conditional 
• the guilt and relief Gen Z adults may feel while trying to break unhealthy patterns 
• what gets lost when grandparent relationships are severed and repair slows down culturally 
• a Catholic lens: dignity, sin, mercy, responsibility, and the sacredness of family bonds 
• practical growth on both sides: emotional presence and resilience, truth and compassion 

I would love for you to leave a comment about what you thought about this episode. 
If you have any questions or would like to go deeper into this topic or how it affects you in your own life, you can find me at SharonKCoach.com. 
If you've enjoyed listening, please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite platform. 
And feel free to share with anyone you think might benefit from what you've heard. 

Click the link below to set up a free discovery call to begin your transformation today.  Or email me @ smurph923.sm@gmail.com to find out more about how I can help.  

https://calendly.com/smurph923-sm/discovery-call

https://sharonkcoaching.com/

https://subscribepage.io/The-Five-Things-Your-Adult-Child-Needs-to-Hear-From-You

Transcript

Welcome And What’s Changing

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello and welcome to my podcast. My name is Sharon Murphy, and I'm a certified life and mindset coach, and I help women who seek to be happy and holy. Each week I'll bring you tools and insights to help you on your journey to the heights. I'm so glad you're here. Hello and welcome back. If you found yourself here and you're new, welcome. I'm so glad you decided to join. This is a podcast where we talk about our journey to the heights for women who seek to be happy and holy. We talk about all things Catholic, mindset, learning to better ourselves on our journey through this life. And I say women because that's primarily who I work with, but I know a lot of men that listen. This is for everybody. So if you found yourself here, I'm really excited that you are here with us. Today I'm going to be talking about something that I see shifting inside families right now. And I don't hear a lot of talking about it. It's something I've noticed myself, and I've just honestly, it's kind of found me, I found myself being very confused by it and trying to figure it all out. And I heard someone else talking about it a few months ago, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks that there's so much accuracy to this. And I believe that right now, in this time in history, so many parents and adult children are living with completely different definitions of what love, loyalty, boundaries, family, and even even respect actually mean. And if you're a parent of adult children, you may have felt this personally. Maybe you found yourself thinking, why does my child feel so distant? Why does everything feel so careful now? Why do I feel like I have to walk on eggshells in my family? Or maybe you're on the other side of this conversation, trying to create emotional health, trying to break patterns, build peace, while also carrying the guilt of disappointing your parents in the process. And so today we're going to be talking about the differences between Generation X and Generation C. Now, I've done some research a little bit on generation, the different generations, and I find it very, very interesting. And I know from every generation there's very fundamental differences. But I'm going to just be addressing these two because I am a generation X and my children are almost all generation Z. Now, if you don't find yourself in those two categories, that's okay. Stick with me because you're going to find some helpful information here as well. Because I think this is just a good topic to talk about how the way we're raised and the generation that we grew up in, how it can really form us and how it changes the way we look at things. And so for Generation X and Generation Z, there's some things about the way we communicate and the fact of that, you know, we were formed by entirely different worlds. One generation learned to push through, to not be fragile, that family comes first, that you stay loyal. The other generation learned to protect your peace, to speak truth, to set boundaries, and don't tolerate what harms you. And now both of those two value systems are sitting across from each other at the dinner tables. Holidays, text messages, and family gatherings, both believing that they're trying to love well, while simultaneously feeling misunderstood by the other. And so today I want to have a conversation that's honest, a bit nuanced, compassionate, and probably a little bit uncomfortable. And I want to be very clear. This is not to blame either generation or to pick sides, but to understand what's actually happening inside families right now and why so many people are feeling honestly heartbroken, defensive, confused, and sometimes disconnected from the people that they love most. And I think essentially what I see is this many families, they're not struggling because they don't love each other. They're struggling because they're shaped by entirely different emotional, cultural, and technological worlds. So to set the foundation here, I want to just be really clear again that this episode is not to blame one side or the other. This is not, you know, Gen Z is too sensitive or Gen X is emotionally unavailable. That's too simplistic. I think the deeper conversation is this. There's been different conditioning, there's different fears, there's different emotional languages, different definitions of safety, success, freedom, and connection. And we're going to dive into that in all of this in the up in this episode. But before we get started, let's get clear on who we're talking about in the first place, because some of you probably are not aware of exactly who I'm talking about. So let's just define what I mean when I say Gen X or Generation X or Generation Z. So Generation X are those people that were born between the years of

Why Families Feel So Tense

SPEAKER_00 4:50

1965 to 1980. And this is roughly, I've seen different ages, but this is the approximate age. So that's ages 46 to 61 right now. If you find yourself in the ages of 46 to 61, they classify you as a Gen X. Now, to give a little profile on that, these people are often referred to as the latch key generation because many grew up as independent children in the 70s and 80s with working parents and minimal supervision. Now, the characteristics, I found this on Google. This was a Google search just to clarify. They're known for being highly self-reliant, pragmatic, and adaptable. They bridge the gap between analog childhoods and the rise of digital technology. So that's generation X. Now, generation Z are birth years from 1997 to 2012. And that's ages 14 to 29, roughly. And that's exactly my kids' ages, are 14 to 28. So my kids all fall within that. And just to note, because I questioned this at one point, generation X and Generation Y, there's a generation in between, and there is a generation Y. So the alphabet remains intact. But we most commonly refer to them as the millennials, and that's ages 30 to 45. So if you're in that range, like I said, I think you're going to find this very interesting. And you might find yourself falling, depends upon where you fall in that age group. You might align more with Generation X, you might align more with Generation Z, or you might just see yourself in both of these. But the profile that it states for Generation Z is sometimes called zoomers or digital natives. They're the first generation to grow up with internet access, social media, and smartphones as a central part of their entire lives. And the characteristics for this Generation Z is they're known for being socially conscious, digitally fluent, and valuing diversity and mental health. They often prioritize authenticity and use social platforms to drive cultural and political conversations. To be fair, that when when we get into what I'm going to talk about, it aligns very perfectly with this definition. So I like that definition. Now, there's some core differences between these two generations. One of them is independence versus emotional awareness. Now, Generation X, again, that's that's the older generation. Many of these adults were raised with independence, self-sufficiency, emotional restraint, figuring it out, less emotional discussion, more resilience through necessity. For myself personally, that aligns with the way I was raised and for most of my peers. Many in this generation group, latchkey kids. Latchkey kids just means that they came home to a parent after school or whatever they were doing, and their parents weren't home. And that was one of the first generations where a lot of the moms started to work outside of the home. So they came home from school and there was no parent there. So of course, they took care of themselves. They made their own food, they did their things. That this is when it began for the most part. They were less supervised, they were less less emotionally validated, and more accustomed to discomfort. Now, some of the strengths with that is resilience, practicality. There was a high work ethic, they were much more adaptable, and less emotionally fragile. The challenge is that a lot of people in this generation find it difficult to express emotions, tend to avoid vulnerability, have discomfort with emotional conversations, and tend to minimize feelings. And this is important. Now, Generation Z was raised in a very different environment. They were raised in an environment where it was a much more emotionally aware culture. There's a lot of connectivity, higher parental involvement, mental health language became a part of what they just experienced on the regular, and there was a lot of identity exploration, emotional validation, social media influence. Some of the strengths was emotional awareness. There's an openness, a willingness to discuss mental health, a desire for authenticity, and also sensitivity to emotional dynamics. Some of the challenges for this generation is emotional overwhelm, fragility around discomfort, some identity confusion, a lot of anxiety over identification with emotions, and difficulty tolerating tension or uncertainty.

Defining Gen X And Gen Z

SPEAKER_00 9:12

So here's some things that are key to understand within the relationships and the tension that can occur because of this, because you can see how very different these appear already. Generation X parents often think things like, Why is everything such a big deal? You're overthinking this. Life is hard. Get over it, kind of thing, right? You need to be more resilient. Or things like, You I've survived worse. You know, when I was growing up, you know, we we dealt with this, or just, you know, things like, why can't you move on? Why are you stuck in this problem? Because many Gen X parents learn survival first and emotions second. Now, Generation Z often thinks things like, Why don't you understand me emotionally? Why do you dismiss my feelings? Why does vulnerability make you uncomfortable? And I want connection, not just advice. Because Generation Z has been taught, not just by the parents, obviously not, but again, culturally in school. And everything they've been conditioned to understand is that emotional expression matters very deeply. Now, another huge difference, of course, is the technology. And this is one of the biggest generation, it's one of the biggest generational shifts in history because when technology came on the scene and all the advancements, it changed things dramatically. So Gen X grew up with physical separation from peers, boredom, privacy, less comparison, there was more real-world interaction, and there was definitely a lot less external stimulation. For Generation X, their identity developed more slowly and privately. Now, for Generation Z, they grew up with social media, constant comparison. There's nonstop stimulation, online identity formation. There's a performance culture that they've been immersed in. There's been exposure to world crisis constantly that Generation X never dealt with. We saw it on the evening news, and there wasn't all that much of it. If you didn't catch it in the evening news, you weren't aware of what was happening. Now Generation Z is aware of things that are happening all over the world in other states. They're just there's so much more that they're aware of that's happening, which can sometimes, again, lead to some of the anxiety, as do some of the other things. And there's also a perpetual access to others' opinions. And so this definitely affects them as far as I said anxiety, but also self-worth, their attention span, emotional regulation. It affects their relationships and also conflict resolution. So I want to just say here as I'm reading this, I want to be clear that this does not make Generation Z weak, but just to be aware that there's an overstimulation in ways that previous generations have never experienced. And so this, you know, it creates compassion for them and what they're in what they're going through for Generation Z, because it was very different than what Generation X has experienced. So obviously, I'm Generation X, and I'm going to try and present this in a very objective point of view, because that's really my intent here is to make sure that we understand where both sides are coming from. There's another major difference between these two generations, and that is the difference between authority and trust. Generation X was generally raised to respect authority, to trust institutions more, to value hierarchy, and to avoid questioning adults openly. And that is definitely, I think that's shifted from previous generations as well, from the baby boomers and generations prior to that, as it had started to move in that direction. But Generation X still had they didn't question adults openly. Where Generation Z was raised during institutional distrust, internet skepticism, constant information exposure, social activism, and kind of a deconstruction culture. And they're far more likely to question authority because of that, to challenge their parents, and to prioritize personal authenticity and to reject things like just because I said so. And we know this, and that's I think that's a very good thing. A lot of the things that a generation Z has become aware of, I would say could be advancements or you know, growth. But it can also feel disrespectful to Generation

Independence Versus Emotional Awareness

SPEAKER_00 13:40

X parents. And so Generation C what they really are looking for is honesty and transparency. Now, what this brings up is some emotional languages differences. And this is probably one of the most important things is the communication. So Generation X communication is solution-oriented, very practical, very direct. They suppress emotionally and they tend to just try and solve and move on. They're also less emotionally descriptive. Now, Generation Z communication is very emotionally detailed, they're much more introspective, much more identity-centered, they're very therapy informed, and they're also emotionally expressive. So these differences can create some kind, you know, misunderstandings. So when Generation C sends things like I'm struggling emotionally, what generation X might hear is, what's the big deal? Or they might think, you know, you're incapable. And now Generation X says they respond with things like, you're gonna be okay, you're fine, get over it. What does Generation Z hear with those types of things? They hear things like, you don't care about my feelings. And neither side is fully understanding the emotional language of the other. And so this brings up why we see some families who are struggling today. There's a few other things. Delayed adulthood. Now, what do I mean by delayed adulthood? Well, there's more adult children who are living at home longer. They're delaying marriage, delaying careers, and so they're financially dependent longer. And so this can change family dynamics dramatically. Now, another thing is constant contact. Previous generations naturally separated more. Now, today we have, we can be in contact all the time. Texting, social media, location sharing. We know where generation X, we now know where our children are at all times. Previous generation, when you left the house or you left to go somewhere, you did not know where the other person was, and you were okay with that. There's also the mental health awareness aspect that we talked about. And the good part of this is there's definitely less stigma, which is definitely a great thing. There's more openness to share and talk about this stuff, but it can also over-identify with diagnosis. How many times do people say, I have anxiety disorder, or I have things for Generation X, if you're listening, or previous generations, we didn't hear things like that. There was no anxiety disorder, people didn't talk about depression. There's an emotional hyperfocus sometimes. And sometimes it can be used, this discomfort or these identifications become their identity. That's one important key. Another thing is that for parents, parenting has become much more emotionally intensive. I guess is maybe a good way to say it. For Generation X parents, we were told be emotionally available to your children, protect your child emotionally, validate constantly, prevent struggle. And we know this. We created this thing where we tried to protect our kids and put them in a bubble. We never wanted them to suffer. We never wanted them to struggle. And what it leaves parents feeling is, quite frankly, emotionally exhausted, very over-responsible for their child and how they're feeling. And a lot of guilt, a lot of guilt has come into play. And a lot of parents I know are feeling guilty constantly. One of the biggest shifts, though, that I see happening today is when the relationship of boundaries and distance and just the way the new family dynamic plays out. So one of the biggest relational shifts happening between Generation X parents and Generation Z parent children is the way boundaries are now being used inside of those family relationships. And I think it's probably one of the areas causing the most pain and confusion for so f so many families today. For Generation X parents, for the parents out there, honestly, family relationships used to be viewed as permanent, unconditional, and enduring despite difficulty. A lot of, you know, a lot of us group, you went to school, even if you went off to college, you stayed closer to home. You didn't wander, you know, into other areas. That's been a challenge, I think, for a lot of parents to experience. And I want to just say that because a lot of the Generation X parents grew up, you know, that families were, that it was just sort of enduring no matter what. It didn't mean that families' systems were healthy by any means. And so I think there's been a lot of improvement and growth in that area. But Generation X, they had the understanding that you work through family issues, you stay connected, you learn to tolerate imperfection, and you didn't cut people off very easily. Now, Generation Z approaches things very differently, and they're very informed about boundaries. And they're raised in a culture that's heavily influenced by therapy, emotional safety, like I said, mental health, but also self-protection and learning to set emotional boundaries. They've learned how to cut off toxic relationships, and it's been very, very good. That's been a very good thing. And they, you know, so some people absolutely need, they needed permission to be able to leave abusive dynamics, to stop enabling dysfunction, and to be able to recognize unhealthy relationship patterns. And so it's really important. But I think we're also now seeing situations where boundaries can sometimes be used not only for protection, but also for emotional avoidance, sometimes control, or even an intolerance of discomfort. And so that's where it can be very confusing for Generation X parents to understand. And I think it's important to understand that this is where it gets a little bit more complicated because not every difficult relationship is deemed as, and I'm using air quotes here, toxic. Not every disagreement is abuse, not every uncomfortable interaction requires emotional distance. And this is where it's important for us to understand where we maybe need to learn to grow in virtue, right? To be able to have patience and to in to increase tolerance, especially with within the family relationships, because relationships naturally involve tension. There's misunderstanding, there's imperfection, and there's disappointment. We're dealing with all different personality types, and so you're gonna just have those things. This is where we find ourselves as so many families are trying to discern and understand when is distance healthy, and when are we unintentionally

Technology And Constant Comparison

SPEAKER_00 20:22

severing relationships that could potentially and should heal. Let's just dive in a little bit of the experience of Generation X parents. And I'm gonna get into the experience also of Gen Z, but I'm just starting here. I think a lot of Generation X parents are quietly carrying around enormous grief because they love their children deeply, but yet they feel shut out of the lives of their children, and which leaves them feeling confused, rejected, you know, afraid to say the wrong thing, like they're walking on eggshells, just really uncertain as to where they stand. And in some, in some situations, they might feel disposable. And it's devastating for them because family was never viewed as that fragile for them when they were growing up. So they're grieving things like reduced access or emotional distancing or strained communication, sometimes limited involvement with grandchildren, you know, relationships that now feel highly conditional, like they could they could end at any time, or there could be boundaries set in place where all of a sudden they wouldn't have access. And so so many parents out there are asking, like, you know, how did this happen? How did we get here? Why does it feel like one wrong conversation can threaten the relationship? And that pain is very real. And I think just a lot of parents out there feel like the years of sacrifice and constant, you know, emotionally trying to support and protect and somewhat shelter and to do everything they could for their children, those years of sacrifice and love are now being filtered entirely through the lens of their imperfections. That's generation. X. Now let's talk about what this looks like for the Generation Z, adult children. And I'm just taking what I see out there. I'm not a Generation Z, obviously, but I think a lot of this is fairly accurate. And I would love to hear, you know, any of your feedback or comments on this. But I think they're trying to create family systems that feel emotionally healthier than what they experienced growing up. They're trying to break unhealthy patterns, protect their peace, to parent differently. They're very intentional about how they parent. They communicate more openly. They avoid emotional dysfunction that they witnessed in previous generations. And sometimes they're carrying unresolved pain that their parents never fully understood. And what looks like distance to parents may feel like self-protection for these Gen Z adults. It may feel like emotional survival and an attempt to create stability for themselves. And a lot of them are experiencing conflict internally because even when this distance that they're setting feels necessary to them, it often still hurts. So they might simultaneously be feeling relief for setting these boundaries and doing these things, but they might also feel guilt and some grief, maybe sadness, maybe even some anger or resentment, but also some longing. And so all at once, you know, I think sometimes people oversimplify these situations into these parents are bad or these children are entitled. But most family relationships are far more emotionally layered than that. And so I want to talk a little bit about one of the consequences that I think is happening, and it's a it's a sad one, with this growing divide is what is happening to the grandparent relationship. Because increasingly grandchildren are growing up with limited connection, emotional distance, fragmented extended family relationships. And this has its implications that we probably won't fully understand yet culturally, but it is happening. Because grandparents often provide things like stability, identity, family history, generational wisdom, which is really, really important, emotional rootedness, and also a sense of belonging. And so when those relationships are severed, something meaningful meaningful can really be lost. And it doesn't mean that every grandparent relationship is healthy or should automatically continue no matter what. I want to be clear on that. But some situations genuinely require distance, of course. But I think it's important to think about what this can do to the family dynamic long term. Because I do think our culture has become quicker to disconnect and slower to repair. And I think future generations may eventually feel the weight of that loss more deeply. And again, I'm not sure we'll know the effects of that until much further down the road. But there's some deeper questions that I think families need to ask today, and that is this have we lost the ability to remain connected through these imperfections? Because healthy relationships require both boundaries and mercy. It requires honesty and also humility. It requires self-respect, but also forgiveness. And I think both generations are struggling with the two extremes. Some Generation X parents minimize emotions too much. Some Gen Z adults center emotions so heavily that relationships become fragile under any kind of discomfort. And somewhere in the middle, I think there is emotional maturity. And that's really where I'm going with this whole episode is I'm that's where we want to land, is somewhere in the middle. Now I want to bring up what this looks like through the Catholic lens and how we view this for family relationships because I want to be clear. Catholicism does not teach enabling abuse or tolerating serious harm or abandoning wisdom or boundaries, but it also doesn't promote radical individualism. It doesn't promote emotional self-centeredness or disposable relationships.

Authority Trust And Communication Styles

SPEAKER_00 26:07

It doesn't promote cutting people off casually when someone upsets you. Now, Catholic anthropology recognizes human dignity, human weakness, and of course the reality of sin. There's a need for mercy. There's also the importance of responsibility. And it also recognizes the sacredness of family bonds. Remember, God has given us our families. This is our path to sanctity. And we're to learn to grow in those. And again, like I said, just to be very clear, it does not teach or promote enabling abuse or serious harm. But there's this, again, in the middle here. And so I think modern families need both. They need truth, but they also need compassion. An important thing to remember, just to kind of summary, is I think Generation X has learned to disconnect from their emotions in order to survive, but I think Generation Z has been taught to center their emotions in order to heal. And now families are trying to figure out how to integrate both and what that looks like. So how can we understand both better? How can we understand what each generation needs? Because that's really what we want to do here. First of all, it's the awareness of where the other one's coming from, right? That's super important. But the thing that I think we need to take from this is that Generation X may need to learn emotional presence, may need to learn how to listen without trying to fix. They may need to learn how to be vulnerable. They may need to learn how to be emotional, emotional curiosity, how to be curious. They may need to learn that feelings matter even if they seem irrational. Now, Generation Z may need to learn things like resilience, discomfort tolerance, emotional regulation, identity beyond their emotions, personal responsibility, and that not every uncomfortable feeling means something is wrong. And the truth is that previous generations likely stayed connected at the expense of emotional health, which wasn't good. But now newer generations sometimes are protecting their emotional health at the expense of connection. And so perhaps the real work is just learning how to like hold both of these things together, right? That's what's that's what's important. So as we wrap up, I gave you a lot of information. And it might be one of these episodes where you want to go back and listen. And I don't have solutions to all this other than just to become aware of where the other one is at. Because, like I said, it's not about placing blame. Neither side is right or wrong. But the first thing is just really understanding that we came from completely different perspectives or are coming from completely different perspectives. It's not because of lack of love. And I think both sides are suffering to some degree. They're struggling because pain or fear or misunderstanding and definitely different expectations and needs, as well as some emotional wounds, they're colliding basically between across generations. And that these generations that have learned entirely different ways of relating. And so, of course, we're seeing some problems. But the healing begins when both sides, both Generation X and Generation Z, become willing to not just be heard, but to understand. Whether you're a Generation X or a Generation Z or something in between or on either end, I want to thank you for listening today. I'm hoping that this episode provided you with some hope. That was really what my intention was, to understand that the other side is not, you know, that's not the intention to cause this rift or to cause the problems in the relationship, but to better understand where the other side's coming from. So hopefully there's some things that you learned here today and you can take with you and use in your own relationships and in your own life. And I would love for you to leave a comment about what you thought about this episode. If it resonated with you, if it didn't, or if you found anything helpful, no matter where you're at, I would really love for you to share that with me. Good, bad, anything in between. I'm open. So I always appreciate the comments. And until next time, onward and upward, my friends, to the heights. Thanks so much for listening today. If you have any questions or would like to go deeper into this topic or how it affects you in your own life, you can find me at Sharon KCoach.com. That's SharonTheletterk Coaching.com. If you've enjoyed listening, please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite platform. And feel free to share with anyone you think might benefit from what you've heard.