SOS Gab & Eti 1.07

Gabriel builds a chicken coop from historic artifacts, sparking a debate about preservation. The siblings' friend explains the importance of historic toilets to tourism and argues with Gabriel about roadside markers and accessibility 

Transcript

“Human rings the rooster bell and we run out the coop down ramp behind Boss Clucker. We peck on ground for scratch man throws at us is better than inside because blue jays and cardinals fight. After good we peck away doves show. Some days Doris, wild turkey comes around. She is skittish and never hangs. We then stand under the wild bird feeder.” Mars, the telepathic chicken

Etidorpha called me over last weekend to check out the new chicken coop that Gabriel had built from salvaged barn siding. My first reaction was that I felt bad in that awkward way when you know that you need to say unpleasant things to your friends. Her clucker coop was nifty a'right, but I had to take them both to task for Gabriel's repeated abuse of historic artifacts. 

First I was upset that he had done it once again, second I was upset that she let him get away with it. But being brother and sister close in their relationship there is not very much I can do about their getting along. It is as if they have a secret language. They are so close.

I could make out the faded outline of a large "R" and it was pretty damned clear that Gabriel had raided another Rock City siding. He swore all up and down it was not true. Etidorpha offered me a jelly donut. Cherry-raspberry-kiwi. Despite their protests, the Dr. Pepper sign door, held in place with a hefty gob of blue bailing twine, was also obviously vintage. Though for the benefit of doubt, it could have come from Dobson Zaniewski, the picker that works over at Schmucks.

Dobson, being a near sighted bachelor, a bit sweet on Etidorpha, trades them small architectural curiosities in exchange for home-cooked meals. Remarkable in itself. This is how the siblings have come to proudly own a three-ounce chunk of marble from the Taj Mahal. How Dobson acquired the chunk is another story, but for now suffice for now that he is always on the lookout to add to their particular habits of collection.

Despite the correspondence course in historic preservation (ICSHP) that he audited, Gabriel still tends to think that his daily surround of unbuilt environment is normal. I do realize that sometimes it is just too difficult to see the history around us. Being stubborn, he can't bring himself easy to the concept of him and Eti actually may actually live in the bowels of an historic theme park that he can leave well enough alone if all that he does today is pull weeds.

I tell them that the increased bus traffic is from middle-class tourists, who, because they are so accustomed to indoor plumbing, pay good money to go on a day-trip outside the big city with the opportunity to spot out the single occupancy structures that dot the rural landscape and hollers of Northern Klapstackonkia. 

Tourism is one reason why historic shitters is so important to our local economy. 

Gabriel tells me it's only the entrepreneurs who want to scout out the good corn ethanol and switchgrass land. I don’t necessarily believe him. But who knows? Energy is important, and there is so much surplus energy here in Bullamanka to be exploited.

I tell them under no uncertain terms they need to move the historic crapper out behind the chicken coop before someone gets an idea to use it. Talk about excess energy and gas production.

Gabriel says he wants to get Judge Yuro Peese Uckerknobb to put up a roadside marker, one of those cast aluminum things that declare an historic event happened here. He says, "Who in their right mind would agree to spend a good honest taxpayer’s money to put up a roadside marker if there is no history that happened near the road to mark?"

Seems, which was news to me, if you get a marker the policy is you also get a streetlight as well in order to keep the Saturday night socialites that hang at the Bucket of Blood from driving over the marker. Thus we know that Bullamanka is an enlightened community.

Then Gabriel and me get into an argument about if a thing can be historic or not if there is no road next to it. 

Gab says. "There is no object in America worth a gnat’s gonad that is not within fifteen feet of a road. And if it were some other place without a road then they would put a road next to it. People just don't want to walk any more. They don't want to walk to see old useless things so they curve the roads around to meet up. Why experience the past if you can't drive up to it?" 

I give up early on this one as I consider Gab's been in fifteen more states than I have. Sort of a competition and a sore point between us, which only gets exacerbated when he says he wants to put a bunch of "BEEN THERE" stickers all over the historic port-o-san. I convince him that it is 'tampering with authenticity'. It helps if I use words that confuse him. The clincher is when I tell him Disney will sue for infringement of intellectual image. No Admittance Except On Business! Now Gabriel plans to save his stickers for the flat bed.

To be continued... friends from Maine who love WPA murals.