The Drama Triangle

Have you ever found yourself trying to help someone, giving all your energy to fix their problems, only to feel like you’re in a never-ending cycle of frustration, or even worse, getting blamed when things go wrong? Maybe you’ve stepped into the role of the “rescuer” in a difficult situation, only to realize that you’re caught in a dynamic where no one seems to win. 

In today’s episode, we’re diving into something called the Drama Triangle—a concept that explains why this happens and how we can shift from a cycle of conflict to a space of empowerment and self-efficacy.

Join Andrea Urquhart, an Emotion & Positive Psychology Coach who specialises in working with trailblazing, empathetic leaders and professionals as they work on their relationship with themselves and their professional or leadership life.

Many of her clients are also neurodivergent, so these episodes are perfect for big-hearted people looking for home, belonging and conversations about inner story and professional wellbeing topics.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Strengthen Live Podcast! I'm your host, Andrea Urquhart. This is the place for trailblazing, empathetic leaders who are also recovering people pleasers! If you have a big heart and your passion is supporting others to change their lives for the better, find home and belonging here.

Have you ever found yourself trying to help someone, giving all your energy to fix their problems, only to feel like you’re in a never-ending cycle of frustration, or even worse, getting blamed when things go wrong? Maybe you’ve stepped into the role of the “rescuer” in a difficult situation, only to realize that you’re caught in a dynamic where no one seems to win. 

In today’s episode, we’re diving into something called the Drama Triangle—a concept that explains why this happens and how we can shift from a cycle of conflict to a space of empowerment and self-efficacy. Whether you're a leader, a wellbeing professional, or simply someone who cares deeply about others, understanding the Drama Triangle can help us to break free from patterns that may unintentionally harm rather than help.

This topic often comes up in sessions my clients – it’s a learning curve as they’re growing in leadership or building their business. Their compassionate, empathic compulsion can sometimes get them into hot water, and not necessarily with their clients! 

Let’s explore what the Drama Triangle is, how it works, and why "rescuers" need to be especially mindful of their actions. We’ll also talk about how we can all move away from drama and towards healthier, more empowering interactions.

First, let’s start with a bit of background. The Drama Triangle was created by Stephen Karpman, a psychiatrist and transactional analyst, back in the 1960s. Karpman developed this model simply to explain dysfunctional social interactions, particularly those where people get stuck in unproductive, emotionally charged roles. 

The Drama Triangle involves three key roles. So notice this isn't necessarily three key people, they are roles, and sometimes people flit from one role to another as the relationship or events develop.

Firstly, we have the "Victim" – This person (or when the person is in this role) feels powerless, helpless, or oppressed. They often see themselves as the target of unfair circumstances and may struggle to take responsibility for their own actions - for whatever reason. And this maybe fairly well justified as well, they may be the victim in challenging circumstances.

The second role is that of the "Villain" also known as the Persecutor – This role is typically the person who’s seen as the source of the victim’s problems. The villain may be blamed for causing harm or creating the situation the victim finds themselves in. Often, the villain is portrayed as the antagonist in the narrative.

 You might start out as the next role, the Rescuer and then be cast into or step into the role of the Villain. It's all very interesting!

So thirdly we have the "Rescuer" – The rescuer is the person who swoops in to “save the day,” trying to fix the victim’s problems. They often take on a role of responsibility that doesn’t belong to them, trying to help, but may be doing so in ways that perpetuate the drama rather than resolve it.

Now, let’s take a step back and break down these roles in a way that feels a bit more real to us, rather than just this theory of different roles. Especially for those of us who often slip into the rescuer role, it’s something that many of us can relate to. We're empathetic leaders. We're people who like to support other people, we're wellbeing professionals. So whether it's at work, in our personal relationships, or in our professional roles let's have a look at how these roles can play out practically in day to day life. 

Imagine this situation: You’re a wellbeing professional, and a colleague, let’s say Alex, is going through a tough time. They’ve been dealing with a lot of stress, and you, as a caring person, want to help. You listen, offer support, maybe even give them some advice, and yo may well be relating with them in a different way than you actually would with your clients - because, after all, you're colleagues! But very quickly, you've taken on the responsibility of helping them feel better. But over time, despite your best efforts, their situation doesn’t improve, and they still feel stuck. 

Then one day, they turn around and starts blaming you—saying that your advice didn’t work, that you weren’t supportive enough, or maybe even accusing you of not understanding their situation. Suddenly, you’ve become the villain. What happened?

This is the Drama Triangle in action.

You may have stepped in as the rescuer, but without realizing it, you’ve become part of a cycle that keeps both of you stuck in a powerless dynamic. The victim  has stayed in the victim role, and instead of empowering them to take responsibility for their own actions and feelings, you’ve inadvertently enabled them to remain dependent on you. 

By trying to rescue them, you’ve unintentionally triggered a shift where you become the villain when the solutions don’t work out.

 It’s a tough pill to swallow, right? But here’s the thing—our desire to help can sometimes prevent others from growing, from developing their own problem-solving skills, and ultimately, from feeling empowered.

And the tricky thing for us as leaders and wellbeing professionals is that this is often in relationships that aren't necessarily in the professional therapy or coaching room. It's in those murky areas around that, with our friends, with our family, with our colleagues, where we're more likely to step across boundaries of responsibilities simply because we're just so enthusiastic about helping and our big, empathetic heart wants to solve the problems for our friends and our colleagues who may be struggling.

Let’s take a moment to explore this more deeply. When we play the rescuer, there are five key things that it's good to be mindful of:

As I just mentioned, first of all we're overstepping boundaries. By constantly offering solutions, we’re not giving the victim space to find their own answers or to make their own mistakes. We might be robbing them of their autonomy and their own sense of self-efficacy. So that's being able to manage and do it themselves.

 Now, for boundaries, we had an episode last week on Compassionate Boundaries, so if you know that boundaries are a bit of an area for you, pop back to that episode.

Secondly, we're feeding dependency when we're in this Rescuer role. The more we swoop in to “save the day,” the more we reinforce that the other person needs us to solve their problems. This can create a cycle where the victim never learns how to navigate challenges on their own.

Thirdly, we take on more than is ours to carry. And that's a really big thing for us, especially if our job is helping others and supporting others, we're continually pouring out our energy and skills for other people. But also when we're highly empathetic people, it's just adding another emotional load. So, by stepping into the rescuer role, we take responsibility for someone else's emotions or problems. 

This can be emotionally exhausting, and often, we end up feeling frustrated or burnt out because we can’t solve everything. And guess what? We're not meant to!

Fourthly, over time, we may start feeling resentful, especially if our efforts aren’t appreciated or if the victim remains stuck. This can lead to a sense of burnout, and in some cases, we might flip into the villain role ourselves simply out of frustration.

And finally, out of these five key things,  we neglect our own needs when we're stuck in that Rescuer role. In our effort to help others, we might put ourselves last. If we constantly prioritize others over our own well-being, we risk our own emotional health, and then the cycle of rescue just begins again or continues.

So, what can we do about it? The goal isn’t to be less empathetic or to stop helping others—it’s about shifting from the Drama Triangle to a place of empowerment. Rather than rescuing others, we want to help build other people up, helping them with their own self-efficacy and enabling them to handle their challenges more effectively and with greater confidence. 

This is what leads to sustainable growth in people and healthier relationships.

 The first step for us to take then, is awareness. If we recognize that we’re caught in the Drama Triangle, or it's beginning to develop, we can begin to break free. 

As the rescuer, we can choose not to swoop in with a solution immediately. Instead, we can ask questions that empower the victim to think for themselves. Also, it might be that you recognise it and then you realise you need to extract yourself. And again, it's still taking steps to empower them to think for themselves, it's giving them permission to make their own choice. 

And we can use our own boundaries to do that. We can actually pull back and create a boundary and then explain it's for them to make a choice. We don't need to explain all about the Drama Triangle, all about the dependence in relationship or all of that. We don't need to get complicated with this. 

It's just shifting our own perspective, and shifting our boundaries, and shifting what we're saying and doing and how we're inviting somebody else to respond or react and to make their own choices. And we make a tiny shift in how we relate to other people then it's up to them to make their own shifts as they respond to that.

By empowering the victim, we encourage them to take ownership of their emotions and decisions. It’s all about fostering a sense of agency.

So once we have that awareness, the second is we step away from the rescuer role, we give space for others to grow and learn. This doesn’t mean we don’t care—it means we trust in their ability to handle things, and we support them in ways that don’t enable dependency. So that self-awareness and actually gifting trust to other people is really, really important.

Let’s pause here and just talk about a second example to illustrate this in day to day life. So imagine you’re a parent, and your teenage child is struggling with schoolwork. They’ve been falling behind in a few subjects, and you can see they’re overwhelmed and frustrated. You want to help them, so you start intervening by organizing their study schedule, helping with assignments, and even talking to their teachers to get them extra support. But despite all this, their grades don’t improve, and they still don’t seem motivated to put in the effort themselves.

One day, they become upset with you, accusing you of doing too much for them and not letting them figure things out on their own. In fact, they even blame you for making them feel pressured and out of control. You find yourself wondering—how did this happen? Why is it that the more you tried to help, the worse things got?

Well, once again, is the Drama Triangle playing out. You stepped into the rescuer role, trying to solve the problem for them but in doing so, you inadvertently kept them in the victim role. Instead of empowering them to take responsibility for their own work, you took on that responsibility. The result? Not only did they not learn how to manage their own challenges, but you also became the villain in their eyes.

It is tricky for us isn't it? If you're a parent or a teacher, if you're somebody with young people that you work with, it can be really hard to stand aside and actually let them make mistakes without swooping in the times when we don't need to. 

But here it is, that's Drama Triangle when our rescuing is actually bgetting in the way of them building their own self-efficacy.

It's that inner pull, isn't it? That strong desire to help someone in need, even when no one has asked for our help. It’s why we sometimes find ourselves stepping into situations where we’re not needed, or even where we’re not wanted. It's like we just simply can't help ourselves! We just can't stop rescuing!

This “rescuer conscience” is deeply rooted in our compassion for others, but it can also override our boundaries, not just theirs. We want to fix things, to alleviate others’ suffering, and it’s often difficult to resist that urge to step in. 

However, giving into this pull can negatively affect our own well-being as well. When we constantly give in to the rescuer role, we allow others to rely on us too much, which can leave us feeling drained, overwhelmed, and burnt out. 

The emotional toll of trying to "fix" everyone else’s problems can be exhausting, and when it becomes a pattern, it can significantly impact our mental and physical health.

So it’s really important to recognize that while our empathy for others is a beautiful and valuable trait, we also need to take care of ourselves. Giving into that urge to rescue might provide immediate relief for others and a good dose of feeling good about ourselves, but over time, it can contribute to feelings of burnout, anxiety, and even resentment—both towards the people we’re trying to help and towards ourselves.

We know that our ultimate role with our clients is to empower them. We want them to be the ones to find the answers, develop coping strategies, and navigate their own challenges. That's what we're professionally trained to do.And yet, when we're not in a professional setting—when it’s our friends, family, or colleagues—why is it so easy to slip into the rescuer role? Why do we step into situations where no one has asked us to help?

It is a really tricky thing. And as we've said, empathetic people often feel a deep urge to jump in when we see others struggling. We feel the need to fix, to smooth over, to take away discomfort. The problem is, when we act as rescuers in situations where others haven't asked for help or aren't ready to make a change, we may not be doing them any favors.

So, what’s the alternative? Well, the key lies in compassion. True compassion is about giving others dignity. It’s not about taking control or solving problems for them; it’s about holding space for them, sometimes providing resources, so that they can navigate their own experiences with our support. Compassion enables someone to feel strong, capable, and empowered—not helpless or dependent.

Empathy and compassion are closely related, but they are different. Empathy is about feeling with someone. It's sharing in their emotional experience, feeling their sadness, their frustration, their joy. It's an emotional resonance. But compassion goes a step further. It’s empathy in action. Compassion is about how we respond to someone’s pain or difficulty—not by fixing it, but by giving them the dignity to experience it for themselves and the strength to grow through it.

When we feel empathy, we acknowledge the suffering of others. When we offer compassion, we help them stand tall in the face of their challenges.

Before we wrap up today's episode, as usual, I have some reflective questions for you. If you're new here. please know that my style, not only in the coaching room but also in the podcast, is not so much to give you five things you must do and seven steps to achieve this but actually to give you information that informs and awakens you and then guide you to begin to make reflections that can help you make the decisions that are right for you to create the changes that you know you need and want in your life.

It's really interesting isn't it, just as an aside here,  that much of marketing nowadays really teaches and urges us to take on a Rescuer role, to be someone who dominates a conversation by telling people what they need to do and what they should do? But actually, in the coaching room and in the therapy room, we're not all about telling people exactly what they should do. These are very much reflective spaces where we are empowering people to self efficacy and making their own decisions and choices.

I find it really interesting, that juxtaposition, that conflict between what marketing tells you to do and what we actually do in the coaching space. So here I am on the Strengthen Live podcast resisting giving you seven steps and five things you absolutely must do. Instead, here are the reflective questions that will help you if you're noticing that you're trying to go above and beyond as a Rescuer but actually things are falling very flat and getting very messy.

So first of all today, I'm inviting you to reflect on your role in relationships. Maybe think about a recent situation where you may have slipped into the Rescuer role. How could you have shifted your approach to empower that other person instead?

And if, as I've been talking, you think "Urgh! That's what's wrong!" with the situation you're currently in, you can still do the same. Just reflect on what you can do to shift your approach and your boundaries so that the other person feels more empowered and is able to make their own decisions and make their own mistakes if necessary.

 So second reflection, I've just mentioned boundaries and I've also reminded you about last week's episode on boundaries. Being empathetic is wonderful, but it’s crucial to protect our own energy and avoid taking on too much responsibility for someone else’s emotions or actions. 

So here's your reflective question: How can we show care without losing ourselves in the process?

You might have heard me talk about abandoning ourselves before, when we're talking about humility. In the first episode on High Growth Humility, that conflict between too little humility and we're being arrogant but overplaying that and we end up abandoning ourselves. This is a similar situation that we can get ourselves in where we are just taking on too much responsibility for other people and we end up losing or abandoning ourselves in that process.

So that question again: How can we show care without losing ourselves in the process?

Thirdly, encouraging self-efficacy in others. So, whether in our personal lives or professional roles, we can ask open-ended questions with people that help them explore their own solutions. We can learn to step back  and actually look at what we're doing and whether that's giving them permission to learn for themselves and do for themselves, instead of giving them the answer. This helps them build confidence in their own abilities.

Thanks so much for joining me today. I  hope this episode has given you some practical insights or reminders if you were already aware of the Drama Triangle on how to break free from that and move towards healthier, more empowering relationships. 

If anything in today's episode has made you think "Oh yeah, I really need to work that through"  then remember there is no shame, no matter how highly qualified and experienced you are as a leader or as a wellbeing professional there is no shame in seeking the support and help from others; professional therapy, professional coaching, professional counselling. Give yourself permission to help you access what you need to help you make the changes that are going to be the best for you in your life. Because none of us wants to get caught in boom and bust,  and these cycles of burnout and resentment and broken relationships that can occur when we're leaning too much into that Rescuer role.

If you'd like to work one to one with me or to join my group coaching programme called So It's Not Just Me Then?! which is for neurodivergent women, then do pop to strengthen live.com. 

I am about to start some additional training as an AuDHD Coach and I have a special offer for women for some very high value, reduced price coaching if you are AuDHD or identify as AuDHD. So that means that you recognise that co-existence of ADHD traits and Autistic traits in you, in whatever blend. You don't have to be diagnosed with that, you may simply identify with that or be awakening to the awareness of that in your life, that you are AuDHD.

If that's you, and you would like to receive some coaching, then I have a special offer at the moment for women who are also happy for me to anonymously use their coaching experience for case studies. So to apply for that and discuss that more with me, you'll find all the details at:

strengthenlive.com/audhdcoaching

So there you have it! That's today's episode on the Drama Triangle. Have a great week. 

Don't forget to just notice, not only your own relationships, but the relationships of others around you as well. Can you spot these roles within the Drama Triangle of Rescuer, Villain or Persecutor, and Victim playing out anywhere, not only in your own relationships but in the relationships of others in your world around you?

Thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to welcoming you next time!