Strengthen Live
The Emotional Strengths podcast for trailblazing, empath leaders and recovering people pleasers. If your vocational purpose is making the world a better place and improving the lives of others, join Emotion & Positive Psychology Professional Coach & Mentor Andrea Urquhart as she talks all things character and confidence growth for big-hearted leaders and empathetic wellbeing professionals.
This is a neuro-affirmative space for both neuro-typical and neurodivergent leaders and listeners. Andrea also specialises in AuDHD coaching.
Fascinated with our inner stories, Andrea shares evidence-based insights into character strengths, leadership and emotional health in a relatable way. Listen now for neuroscience in everyday language, and how to leverage Positive Psychology as a leader or business owner without toxicity or fakery!
Strengthen Live
Perimenopause Awakening: Rising With Hope
Join Andrea Urquhart as she chats all things midlife, perimenopause and big emotions with Midlife & Menopause Practitioner Georgie Smith.
In another candid heart to heart interview that includes a wealth of professional insight and tips, Andrea and Georgie explore the journey of awakening from hopelessness to enjoying and curating our lives when we walk through or with challenges in our lives.
Connect with Georgie on Linked In, Instagram or Facebook.
Thanks for joining me today! If you've had an "Aha!" moment whilst listening today, click subscribe to add Strengthen Live to your favourite podcasts.
Click through to https://strengthenlive.com to discover more about online courses, coaching and training with me. I have a special interest in coaching neuro-divergent, professional women. If you're looking for a coach who sees you as an individual, you've found her!
Visit my website to request a call-back or message me on LinkedIn.
Join my Strengthen Live email community here where you can also opt in to receive emails about these Strengthen Live podcasts.
(00:00:06):
Welcome to a very special edition of the Strengthen Live podcast.
(00:00:11):
Listen in as I welcome and chat with Georgie Smith,
(00:00:15):
a midlife coach and menopause practitioner about creating and holding on to hope in
(00:00:20):
that tricky menopause season of life.
(00:00:23):
Whether you're neurodivergent or not,
(00:00:24):
you're going to love this honest,
(00:00:27):
heart-to-heart and inspiring episode.
(00:00:29):
I'm your host, Andrea Urquhart.
(00:00:31):
This is the place for trailblazing, empathetic leaders who are also recovering people pleasers.
(00:00:38):
If you have a big heart and your passion is supporting others to change their lives
(00:00:43):
for the better,
(00:00:43):
find a home and belonging here.
(00:00:46):
Music
(00:00:50):
Georgie Smith's story is one of reinvention,
(00:00:53):
shaped by trauma,
(00:00:55):
burnout,
(00:00:56):
postnatal depression,
(00:00:57):
and years of people-pleasing and perfectionism.
(00:01:01):
A serious car crash at 17 forced her to relearn how to walk,
(00:01:05):
but it was only in midlife,
(00:01:07):
after divorce,
(00:01:08):
remarriage,
(00:01:09):
and finally facing perimenopause,
(00:01:11):
that she stopped numbing and started listening to herself.
(00:01:15):
Today, Georgie supports other women to do the same.
(00:01:18):
She works with women who spent their lives being the capable one,
(00:01:22):
the daughter,
(00:01:23):
mother,
(00:01:23):
partner,
(00:01:24):
leader,
(00:01:25):
and who are now quietly asking,
(00:01:27):
is this it?
(00:01:28):
Her mission is to help women stop existing and start living with clarity, joy, and audacity.
(00:01:36):
Music
(00:01:39):
Georgie, I'm so excited to welcome you today.
(00:01:42):
I've been really looking forward to interviewing you.
(00:01:45):
Thank you for saying yes to coming on.
(00:01:46):
Thank you for having me.
(00:01:48):
It's a real pleasure to be here.
(00:01:49):
And I think we're going to have a lovely conversation.
(00:01:51):
Thank you.
(00:01:52):
I know that we are definitely.
(00:01:54):
So Georgie, your story is just so very inspiring.
(00:01:57):
And like so many women,
(00:01:59):
and I know like so many of my listeners as well,
(00:02:01):
you've lived through some pretty big life challenges.
(00:02:05):
Do you ever feel like life hasn't been fair to you?
(00:02:09):
Goodness me, of course, yeah.
(00:02:11):
I've lived a very long time thinking how unfair life has been to me.
(00:02:16):
Why were things happening to me and how unfair it was they were all happening to me.
(00:02:19):
But...
(00:02:20):
through having coaching for myself through doing my coaching training I've been
(00:02:25):
able to think about things a little bit differently and I say this with love I've
(00:02:28):
been able to come out of that victim mode mindset and I've been able to start
(00:02:33):
thinking well these things have happened how can I respond to that whilst of course
(00:02:38):
unfortunate things still happen to me life isn't always a bowl of roses and
(00:02:42):
sometimes I might think
(00:02:44):
you know,
(00:02:44):
take that big sigh and I might have a bit of sulk and I might spend some time
(00:02:48):
bemoaning the fact that things have happened.
(00:02:49):
I am now able to turn around and think, okay, they've happened.
(00:02:52):
I've had a moment.
(00:02:54):
I've sat with the emotion for a little bit.
(00:02:55):
How am I going to respond to this?
(00:02:57):
I've now got the tools in me to slow down,
(00:02:59):
reframe it and think,
(00:03:01):
what am I going to do about this now?
(00:03:03):
Rather than thinking,
(00:03:04):
And it's over and just sit with it, you know.
(00:03:07):
Yeah, absolutely.
(00:03:08):
I felt those things.
(00:03:08):
And sometimes I still do.
(00:03:09):
I'm human.
(00:03:10):
Yeah, I hear you on that.
(00:03:11):
So what happened?
(00:03:12):
So you mentioned victim mode.
(00:03:14):
And obviously, I know because we've talked before, you and I, we're very much calm from that.
(00:03:20):
whole attitude and way of being of being really compassionate as well and not
(00:03:26):
pushing down and numbing emotions as we mentioned in the introduction about you but
(00:03:32):
actually acknowledging that life is tough and we go through these really big
(00:03:37):
emotions but what then what do we do how do we move through that um what happened
(00:03:43):
for you was it some big aha moment where you suddenly went ping
(00:03:48):
I'm not going to live like this anymore.
(00:03:50):
Or was there more of a journey?
(00:03:51):
You mentioned coaching and things, but how was it for you?
(00:03:55):
Surprisingly,
(00:03:56):
because for me,
(00:03:57):
most of the change that I've made,
(00:04:00):
most of the awakening that I've had has been a gradual process,
(00:04:04):
very much like a dimmer switch going on rather than the light bulb moment.
(00:04:07):
But
(00:04:08):
that victim mode felt much more like a light bulb moment, much more like the aha moment.
(00:04:13):
I was sat in a call with my coach.
(00:04:16):
And this is why I said before with love,
(00:04:17):
because she did sit me down and say with love,
(00:04:20):
Georgie,
(00:04:21):
life is happening for you,
(00:04:23):
not life is happening to you.
(00:04:25):
She said very kindly that I'd been in victim mode.
(00:04:28):
I was allowing the
(00:04:29):
that these things had happened to me to affect my whole being and just almost give
(00:04:34):
up well these things I can't possibly do anything because all these nasty things
(00:04:37):
have happened to me of course I'm stuck here why me woe is me and she gave me the
(00:04:42):
permission the words to say this is your time this is your power this is where your
(00:04:48):
power is to take back that control whether I was just ready to hear it whether she
(00:04:54):
said it in slightly
(00:04:55):
a different way than I'd heard before but that very much was a click moment for me.
(00:05:00):
My goodness this is my power.
(00:05:03):
This is where I have got the control in my life, isn't it?
(00:05:06):
This is where I can decide how I respond rather than reacting as I always had done
(00:05:12):
to my life,
(00:05:13):
to the things that had happened to me and using them almost as an excuse to not be
(00:05:18):
able to do anything more.
(00:05:19):
Then I could decide how my life was going to look going forward because I had the
(00:05:23):
power to make things,
(00:05:24):
to change things.
(00:05:25):
I do think that there's a journey in that as well isn't there to get to that moment
(00:05:29):
she obviously must have realized you were at that point where you were able to hear
(00:05:33):
it and you have that relationship to hear it because that self-compassion and that
(00:05:38):
recognition of the challenges is really important we're not
(00:05:42):
gaslighting ourselves or gaslighting other people life is tough and you've been
(00:05:46):
through some really tough things as well teaching yourself to walk again or
(00:05:50):
learning to walk again is a huge huge thing to go through and in one sense being
(00:05:55):
angry at life or at the circumstances and feeling that things isn't fair is a
(00:06:01):
really natural reaction for us but
(00:06:04):
If we stay under that,
(00:06:05):
if we,
(00:06:06):
if we,
(00:06:06):
well,
(00:06:06):
I don't want to use the word wallow because that makes it sound like it's a
(00:06:10):
negative experience.
(00:06:10):
And I think that that's actually all part of the emotional process that we have to
(00:06:16):
go through to get to that point where we actually do pick up our power and our
(00:06:20):
whole moment where it's like,
(00:06:21):
right,
(00:06:22):
I can stay in this.
(00:06:23):
I can wallow in this, stay in it.
(00:06:25):
And I mean that in the nicest possible way and stay in this or what can I do?
(00:06:30):
And such a powerful process.
(00:06:32):
permission giving an invitation that your coach gave you.
(00:06:36):
The wallowing is processing it, isn't it?
(00:06:38):
It's processing those emotions.
(00:06:40):
I just took an awful long time to process all my emotions.
(00:06:43):
And that's fine.
(00:06:44):
It's that journey, isn't it?
(00:06:45):
It takes what it takes.
(00:06:46):
And all those feelings are valid.
(00:06:49):
Absolutely.
(00:06:49):
So when people are saying about responding to life and life happens to you,
(00:06:53):
that's not them saying these harder times don't happen.
(00:06:57):
of course they'd still do.
(00:06:58):
It's about giving ourselves that,
(00:07:00):
like you said,
(00:07:00):
the permission,
(00:07:01):
the permission to feel them and then the permission to say,
(00:07:04):
okay,
(00:07:04):
yes,
(00:07:04):
they have happened.
(00:07:05):
I am going to do something different this time.
(00:07:07):
I am going to make some changes.
(00:07:09):
And that, the power, that was the step I hadn't been able to take before.
(00:07:12):
I sort of just carried on, carried on.
(00:07:15):
And I'd kept myself so numb,
(00:07:17):
as you mentioned in the intro there,
(00:07:18):
so that I didn't feel any of the difficult things.
(00:07:21):
But the thing with
(00:07:22):
not feeling any of the difficult emotions is you don't feel any of the positive
(00:07:25):
emotions either that's not to say i had had a miserable life you just don't feel
(00:07:28):
them in the same sharpness it's like it's like the monitor's not quite turned to
(00:07:32):
the sharp mode you don't see things quite so clearly clearly i've had joyful
(00:07:37):
moments in my life as well but because through my life from early childhood things
(00:07:41):
have been very difficult i just learned to keep the peace to keep everything numb
(00:07:45):
to keep everything flat
(00:07:46):
because that made it easier for me to get through at that point in my life.
(00:07:49):
And she gave me the permission to see that there was a different way that I could
(00:07:52):
see things change things.
(00:07:54):
Yeah,
(00:07:54):
that survival mode that you'd been in was something where she was saying,
(00:07:58):
right,
(00:07:58):
actually,
(00:07:59):
it's time to move out of that survival mode.
(00:08:01):
It was a realisation at a moment where life isn't happening to us.
(00:08:06):
Life is happening for us.
(00:08:09):
We get to choose how we respond to that.
(00:08:11):
And we can either react with life things happening to us or we can make it work for
(00:08:16):
us by choosing how we respond to it.
(00:08:18):
Yeah, absolutely.
(00:08:19):
And I always think of this as rising up,
(00:08:22):
that we can live under the challenge that we're walking through or working through,
(00:08:28):
or we can rise up through it.
(00:08:30):
That rising up is definitely something that we can all give ourselves permission to do.
(00:08:35):
It's great when somebody else does that, like your coach did to you.
(00:08:39):
because we need to hear it from other people too as well but that moment when we
(00:08:44):
actually give ourselves permission for every tiny step that we do along the way to
(00:08:50):
actually say you know what I am giving myself permission to rise up through this
(00:08:56):
it's really difficult but it's hard when you're stuck in survival mode to see any
(00:09:00):
other way and that's why it was great working with her it's great working with
(00:09:03):
other people because you just get slightly different viewpoints and
(00:09:07):
You can see things a little bit differently.
(00:09:08):
And yes, they say the words that give you permission and then you can, oh, actually, it's okay.
(00:09:14):
You can take that on board and think,
(00:09:15):
and yeah,
(00:09:16):
give yourself that permission to do things differently.
(00:09:18):
Yeah, 100%.
(00:09:20):
I know certainly a lot of the coaching work that you do with people and I do with
(00:09:23):
people is very much about that,
(00:09:25):
seeing yourself and getting to know yourself in a different way.
(00:09:29):
And from that,
(00:09:30):
being able to make those decisions that do bring a transformation in different
(00:09:36):
areas of our life.
(00:09:37):
So yeah, as we've said, it is tough when we experience challenges.
(00:09:41):
And we've mentioned these emotional processes.
(00:09:44):
I talk a lot about this and I especially talk to people about slowing down to
(00:09:49):
really understand what we're feeling.
(00:09:51):
It's a really important thing for many of my clients who are neurodivergent who
(00:09:55):
have a relationship with their emotions,
(00:09:58):
which means that they don't.
(00:10:00):
always know exactly what they feel about something or how they want to respond so
(00:10:04):
slowing down is really important but i really recommend it when you're going
(00:10:07):
through any life challenge actually at all and i've also been through my fair share
(00:10:12):
of them that sometimes it does knock us out we go through something really
(00:10:16):
difficult really traumatic whether it's perimenopause or anything else and of
(00:10:20):
course it takes us time to begin to find our balance again you know we're shaken
(00:10:26):
traumatic things and challenging life circumstances shake us and sometimes it's a
(00:10:31):
slow shaking that starts like with pyramid of course it might start with a bang but
(00:10:34):
you know over time maybe different areas of our life and sometimes it's something
(00:10:38):
that happens suddenly but we need that time to just pause and get our balance and
(00:10:43):
actually make decisions about how to work through this but
(00:10:48):
perimenopause and the whole menopause conversation and experience brings some big
(00:10:53):
emotions so what were the most surprising ones that you experienced when you went
(00:10:58):
through this so it wasn't the most surprising emotion the ferocity of it was very
(00:11:04):
surprising to me and that was the rage it's the cliche isn't it so i'm
(00:11:09):
quite wary of talking about it sometimes because it is the cliche that the
(00:11:12):
perimenopause rage but it was the ferocity of it the actual almost took control of
(00:11:17):
my body feeling of it really surprised me I didn't realize how it would engulf me
(00:11:22):
in quite the way that it did in a way that I'm quite a laid-back person generally
(00:11:26):
and I've had moments of not being laid back at all and it wasn't something I could
(00:11:30):
keep a lid on and just think breathe through it Georgie will be okay it was it it
(00:11:34):
had to come out it was like it was something separate from me so that power of that
(00:11:38):
surprised me for me I was surprised that I felt I had such an awakening I never
(00:11:45):
expected that in my life I thought how I felt that numb feeling was just it for me
(00:11:51):
and to know that I could start planning a life that looked very different was
(00:11:56):
surprising exciting and
(00:11:58):
powerful.
(00:11:59):
So I loved that emotion.
(00:12:01):
But there's also the grief.
(00:12:02):
Thinking about it, I experienced a little bit of it.
(00:12:05):
I was surprised by how much of it I see in the clients that I work with.
(00:12:09):
Grief about their fertility, grief about who
(00:12:13):
who they are I have so many women say to me I just want to feel I just want to be
(00:12:18):
who I was I just want to feel like I did I just want to be who I was again and
(00:12:23):
we're not who we were we're always evolving and we've moved on so it's about taking
(00:12:27):
them through that process to become excited about becoming the new person and
(00:12:33):
grieving who they were some women are grieving about how their body looks so I
(00:12:37):
think I was surprised at the range of the different griefs that women feel going
(00:12:41):
through perimenopause
(00:12:42):
Yeah.
(00:12:43):
And of course, grief is a process as well, isn't it?
(00:12:46):
Not something that we necessarily leave behind and can be something that we still
(00:12:51):
carry with us,
(00:12:52):
but not necessarily remain in a victim mode at the same time.
(00:12:56):
So there's that point,
(00:12:58):
isn't there,
(00:12:58):
where we're moving from victim mode into reclaiming our power and
(00:13:05):
talk could talk to us more about that the the process the different emotions and
(00:13:09):
things that come up as somebody is going through those weeks or months where they
(00:13:15):
are transitioning from life is happening to me into this right i realize life is
(00:13:22):
happening for me and i
(00:13:23):
am going to stop numbing I want joy back in my life I know there are still some
(00:13:27):
challenges I may still be grieving in different areas but I want the joy back what
(00:13:31):
else comes up to take the place of that victim mode and really help us move through
(00:13:37):
that grieving into that place of joy and power again yeah so the the real waking up
(00:13:44):
isn't it so if my clients are feeling that grief we would work through that
(00:13:48):
grief process for them however long that takes for them and grief can be quite raw
(00:13:54):
because it's not necessarily as I said it's not about losing a person is it
(00:13:57):
although the woman might felt that she's lost herself it's letting go of the parts
(00:14:01):
of ourselves and the journey that we thought that we were going to have so
(00:14:06):
grieving the younger version of ourselves grieving like I said the fertility and
(00:14:11):
the identity and that sense of certainty because obviously hormonal shifts creates
(00:14:15):
a lot of uncertainty we might not know how we're going to feel from one day to the
(00:14:18):
next and that can make life quite unpredictable but grief is very real and we have
(00:14:25):
to work through that and sit with it and it's not about putting a lid on any of
(00:14:30):
those emotions because
(00:14:31):
It's like the boiling pot example.
(00:14:33):
If you don't feel the emotions, eventually they're all going to pour out.
(00:14:35):
You put the lid on the pot, all the water's all going to spill over, isn't it?
(00:14:38):
So we meet the emotions that we're feeling with some compassion.
(00:14:41):
We give ourselves permission to feel all of those emotions.
(00:14:44):
And that in itself is quite radical for a lot of women because they've not allowed
(00:14:48):
themselves to feel anything up till this point.
(00:14:50):
So accepting those emotions, feeling them, asking them why they're feeling those emotions.
(00:14:55):
So maybe for grief, why they're feeling that specifically.
(00:14:58):
What is it that they're grieving over?
(00:15:01):
What is it about the loss that mattered to them?
(00:15:03):
What do they want to carry forward into their next chapter?
(00:15:07):
And then accepting the emotion that they're feeling,
(00:15:09):
not in the passive resignation,
(00:15:12):
giving up sort of way,
(00:15:13):
but accepting it in that,
(00:15:15):
right,
(00:15:15):
okay,
(00:15:15):
this has happened.
(00:15:16):
This is how I'm feeling.
(00:15:17):
This has changed.
(00:15:18):
And from there, she can make some choices.
(00:15:21):
She can make some changes and that's where she can choose to come out of the victim
(00:15:24):
mode and put hope and possibility.
(00:15:26):
So those would be the next motions that we're going into.
(00:15:29):
There's hope, there's possibility, and that creates the excitement and that creates the power.
(00:15:34):
And it does take courage.
(00:15:35):
It takes guts.
(00:15:36):
But this is the perfect time.
(00:15:38):
to practice them and to go from why is this happening to me?
(00:15:41):
Because we're all going to go through this.
(00:15:43):
As women, we're all going to go through perimenopause.
(00:15:46):
And okay, so this has happened, but what do I want to do with that?
(00:15:50):
And so we're going from all those negative emotions,
(00:15:52):
but by giving ourselves the permission to feel those,
(00:15:55):
we can start to feel the emotions again.
(00:15:57):
We can listen to our body.
(00:15:58):
We can come back into our body because I find,
(00:16:00):
I certainly did this and I find a lot of women that I work with do,
(00:16:03):
we go into our heads an awful lot.
(00:16:06):
And our will becomes much smaller because we separate ourselves from our body.
(00:16:10):
We're disconnected from ourselves.
(00:16:12):
So we'll spend some time just reconnecting back into our core,
(00:16:15):
reconnecting back into our body,
(00:16:16):
allowing ourselves to feel those emotions in our body,
(00:16:19):
feel them emotionally.
(00:16:20):
And then we've processed through them.
(00:16:22):
We've thought about why they're important,
(00:16:24):
why they're happening,
(00:16:25):
because it's always our body telling us something.
(00:16:27):
And then we'll decide how we're going to deal with those and how we're going to move forward.
(00:16:31):
And as I said, that's where we find our excitement, our hope.
(00:16:34):
our possibilities,
(00:16:36):
our joy coming back,
(00:16:37):
because we'll work on doing things that bring her joy,
(00:16:39):
bring her energy back into her life and stop all the drains and find ways to lift
(00:16:44):
her back up.
(00:16:45):
Yeah, absolutely.
(00:16:47):
I love that description of hope,
(00:16:49):
gifting courage,
(00:16:51):
and that the excitement then begins to come in.
(00:16:54):
You know,
(00:16:55):
one of the descriptions of hope that we have is that hope is knowing that where you
(00:17:00):
are now is not
(00:17:01):
where you're going to stay there's a permission giving aspect to it like you
(00:17:05):
mentioned with your coach where she was basically beautifully saying to you you
(00:17:11):
know where you are now is not where you have to stay it's like just literally
(00:17:15):
reaching out and gifting you hope and saying here you are are you ready to pick
(00:17:18):
this up are you ready to rise up with this and actually yes we're acknowledging
(00:17:23):
this but let's rise up
(00:17:24):
One of the things about perimenopause and these life things that happen to us,
(00:17:28):
you know,
(00:17:29):
the things that we all go through is that you often see people walking through that
(00:17:34):
with that kind of attitude of,
(00:17:35):
oh,
(00:17:35):
I just need to just suck it up and get through this.
(00:17:38):
And I think sometimes that's where the grief is as well,
(00:17:41):
or the numbing where women are basically saying,
(00:17:44):
well,
(00:17:45):
you know,
(00:17:45):
we all go through it.
(00:17:46):
We just need to get through this.
(00:17:47):
But what you're sharing with us here is that there's something beautiful to be
(00:17:52):
found in allowing people
(00:17:55):
the experience to awaken you to something different in your life.
(00:18:00):
Absolutely.
(00:18:00):
Yes,
(00:18:01):
we all do go through it,
(00:18:02):
but that doesn't mean we all have to suffer,
(00:18:04):
for want of a better word.
(00:18:05):
We don't have to just get through it.
(00:18:07):
We can thrive through it and we can thrive and build a life beyond it as well.
(00:18:12):
I think you and I have both said at different times that life on the other side can
(00:18:15):
be just so amazing and it's allowing women to know that
(00:18:19):
that there is that hope, there is that amazement.
(00:18:22):
And it's not just something to endure.
(00:18:25):
It's something that we can really use as a springboard to creating a life that
(00:18:31):
excites us and get to know ourselves so much better because we have numbed.
(00:18:36):
We've forgotten what we want.
(00:18:37):
We've been people pleasers pretty much all of our lives.
(00:18:40):
We might be wives, we might be partners, we might be mothers.
(00:18:44):
We're probably employees or we're certainly working for somebody.
(00:18:47):
There's always someone else who needs something for us.
(00:18:49):
And actually, this is a moment.
(00:18:51):
Yes, we've got to go through it.
(00:18:52):
So let's make it the best that we possibly can.
(00:18:55):
And let's use it as that moment to really discover who we are,
(00:19:00):
really discover what gives us joy,
(00:19:02):
brings us joy,
(00:19:03):
brings us excitement in our life and what we want from our lives and not be afraid
(00:19:08):
to ask for those things.
(00:19:09):
Yeah.
(00:19:09):
So it's like perimenopause is a bit of a,
(00:19:13):
well,
(00:19:14):
that shaking kind of time that leads to a watershed moment where,
(00:19:19):
as you said earlier,
(00:19:21):
life isn't how it is before for us.
(00:19:24):
Our bodies aren't what they were before,
(00:19:26):
but we can actually see that as a really empowering process and a liberating
(00:19:33):
process for us.
(00:19:34):
Just before we go on, obviously we've been talking about perimenopause.
(00:19:38):
Would you mind just clarifying for all of us what perimenopause actually is?
(00:19:45):
So I know that in the last decade or so, there has been so much more information out there.
(00:19:51):
about it if I think about my own journey though I didn't take much notice of what
(00:19:57):
perimenopause was until I was probably nearly through it I had quite a traumatic
(00:20:04):
experience with a whole lot of different things going on in me and it wasn't till I
(00:20:08):
was nearly through it that a neurologist connected all the dots for me but you see
(00:20:13):
that there's more information out there about it but what is perimenopause
(00:20:18):
So we've got an umbrella term, menopause, covers three stages, basically.
(00:20:23):
So perimenopause still are reproductive years, but it's the years leading up to menopause.
(00:20:29):
Menopause is technically just one day.
(00:20:32):
Menopause is the day.
(00:20:34):
12 months since your last period.
(00:20:37):
So we've got perimenopause building up to that day, which could last 10, 15 years.
(00:20:41):
We've got 12 months of no period,
(00:20:43):
still perimenopause,
(00:20:44):
but that one day on the 12th month of not having a period is menopause.
(00:20:49):
Any day after that is post-menopause.
(00:20:51):
So yeah,
(00:20:52):
those three stages,
(00:20:53):
menopause being the tiniest one,
(00:20:54):
and also menopause being the umbrella term for the whole process.
(00:20:57):
Perimenopause can last an awful long time.
(00:21:00):
And like you say, there is so much information out there
(00:21:04):
Some of it very contradictory.
(00:21:06):
Some of it useful.
(00:21:08):
Some of it will work for you.
(00:21:09):
Some of it won't work for you.
(00:21:10):
And this is the problem with perimenopause.
(00:21:12):
And like you said,
(00:21:13):
with your own experience,
(00:21:14):
there's no one way to say,
(00:21:16):
oh,
(00:21:16):
yes,
(00:21:16):
you're having that.
(00:21:17):
So it's perimenopause.
(00:21:18):
You're experiencing that.
(00:21:19):
So it's perimenopause.
(00:21:20):
We don't all get the hot flushes.
(00:21:22):
We don't all experience lightening periods.
(00:21:24):
For me,
(00:21:25):
it was my periods were flooding and I had no clue that was a symptom of
(00:21:29):
perimenopause at that stage.
(00:21:30):
I just thought it was something odd that my body was doing.
(00:21:32):
Some of us get the brain fog, but we might not attribute that to perimenopause.
(00:21:36):
That's where our confidence comes in because we might just think we're getting old.
(00:21:39):
We can't remember things in the same way.
(00:21:41):
I have so many women who come to me and say, I have got dementia, early onset dementia.
(00:21:46):
And
(00:21:47):
I say,
(00:21:47):
well,
(00:21:47):
obviously,
(00:21:48):
clearly get that checked out with your GP,
(00:21:50):
but I'd be highly surprised if it is.
(00:21:51):
I think it's this.
(00:21:52):
Let's look at all your other symptoms.
(00:21:54):
So it's about drawing a map of all of your symptoms together,
(00:21:57):
writing them down if you want to,
(00:21:59):
having a tick chart if you want to,
(00:22:01):
but drawing that map of connecting all of those things and looking at your symptoms
(00:22:05):
overall.
(00:22:06):
But because some of them might be quite vague and a bit distant to start with,
(00:22:09):
it takes a long time to,
(00:22:10):
like you say,
(00:22:11):
dot those I's and cross those T's.
(00:22:13):
So this is the longest period of the menopause journey.
(00:22:15):
Perimenopause.
(00:22:17):
Yeah.
(00:22:17):
And just the way that it is so different for everybody.
(00:22:21):
Well, you mentioned that dementia example.
(00:22:24):
That's a similar thing that women who are neurodivergent and late diagnosed can also experience.
(00:22:30):
Some women also have that as something that people have said,
(00:22:34):
maybe it's this before they realize actually you're neurodivergent.
(00:22:39):
And so it can be a journey.
(00:22:41):
It's quite alarming, isn't it?
(00:22:42):
The great variety of ways in which our body reacts to these hormonal changes that
(00:22:49):
are going on and everybody's body is doing a different thing at different times
(00:22:53):
with it.
(00:22:53):
And it makes me think about the other milestones in our lives as women.
(00:22:59):
When we hit puberty, I can remember as a teacher teaching children in
(00:23:04):
primary school you know the juniors about what to expect when you get your first
(00:23:09):
period and yes everybody experiences their periods a little differently some people
(00:23:15):
you know they're much older when they get their first one so there are variations
(00:23:18):
but generally you get told what a period is what it may do and the
(00:23:24):
crucially, this is how you deal with it.
(00:23:28):
This is what you can do.
(00:23:29):
And then when you get to pregnancy,
(00:23:31):
for example,
(00:23:31):
I know that fertility can be an issue for some women as well,
(00:23:35):
obviously.
(00:23:36):
But when you come to actually being pregnant,
(00:23:41):
yes,
(00:23:41):
every woman experiences pregnancy differently in their body.
(00:23:45):
But we do know the process of being pregnant and how long it takes and that
(00:23:51):
there's a clear process isn't there there's a clear ending as well whereas
(00:23:55):
perimenopause you're in it you know some people know they're in it and some people
(00:23:59):
don't know they're in it and where's that end point what happens and no wonder
(00:24:04):
people feel like life is happening to them and they're in such a muddle as I say I
(00:24:08):
didn't have a clue that a lot of what was going on in me was connected
(00:24:13):
perimenopause and it's there's such a wide window like you say
(00:24:18):
with puberty and starting periods yes there is a window but it's a much narrower
(00:24:22):
window isn't it I think it's seemingly much more obvious yes there are the mood
(00:24:27):
changes and things but your periods start and it's obvious you know you're then in
(00:24:31):
that cycle whereas with perimenopause like I say it can last 10-15 years whilst the
(00:24:36):
average is 46 in the UK it can start much much earlier it's not unreasonable for it
(00:24:42):
to start in 30s it can start it can start earlier than that but we're told oh
(00:24:45):
that's something that happens much later so we
(00:24:48):
one ignore the information to think it's not us and three because it's so so varied
(00:24:54):
and nothing actually very specific it's hard to latch on to anything to think oh
(00:24:58):
that's that's what that's going to feel like you've got no idea in it because we've
(00:25:02):
got hormone receptors throughout our body there's not a part of our body that might
(00:25:07):
not be affected in some way or other and because
(00:25:10):
It can have an effect on our confidence as well.
(00:25:12):
We don't see things quite as clearly.
(00:25:14):
And when you're in the thick of it yourself,
(00:25:16):
that's why working with coaches or getting other support around you is so good
(00:25:20):
because they can see it from a much more helicopter point of view.
(00:25:22):
It's really hard to understand what's happening to us.
(00:25:25):
It may be not until you get much closer to menopause and your periods are really changing.
(00:25:31):
Yeah, absolutely.
(00:25:32):
I mean, it's such a big time.
(00:25:34):
And whilst there's so much information out there about perimenopause,
(00:25:37):
it's almost like we still don't know enough about it as well.
(00:25:41):
And I'm so looking forward to when,
(00:25:45):
saying that in hope there,
(00:25:46):
rather than if the government in the UK actually get round to what keeps being
(00:25:51):
mooted that they will do,
(00:25:53):
which is to provide some much better women's health
(00:25:57):
services where things are joined up more,
(00:25:59):
where instead of us just going to one person about this one issue and another about
(00:26:06):
this other issue,
(00:26:07):
we're able to see practitioners who see us as women as a whole and are able to help
(00:26:13):
us join the dots in times like this.
(00:26:16):
Absolutely.
(00:26:17):
Holistic point of view.
(00:26:18):
Yeah, 100%.
(00:26:21):
What about people who are really entrenched in that victim mode that we mentioned earlier?
(00:26:28):
We've said we understand why it happens,
(00:26:30):
that it is something that can be very much part of us recovering when we feel
(00:26:35):
really shaken by circumstances and just acknowledging that.
(00:26:38):
But someone's really entrenched in that, remaining in that.
(00:26:41):
And those moments when a woman might say, well, look, I'm the exception.
(00:26:45):
Things work for everyone else.
(00:26:46):
but not for me.
(00:26:47):
They might be listening to our conversation like this going, well, it's all right for them.
(00:26:50):
They are able to rise up above things and through things,
(00:26:54):
but that kind of stuff doesn't work for me.
(00:26:56):
What would you say to her?
(00:26:58):
I'd say I get that entirely because I absolutely, I absolutely would have said that.
(00:27:02):
But it's all right for them.
(00:27:03):
They can do it.
(00:27:04):
It doesn't work for me.
(00:27:05):
I would say absolutely you're not broken.
(00:27:07):
You're not beyond hope.
(00:27:08):
That voice that you're hearing is, you know, the one that I'm the exception.
(00:27:12):
I can't be.
(00:27:13):
I can't sort this out is trying to protect you from disappointment.
(00:27:17):
it's a defense mechanism but it's not the truth these beliefs that we hear in our
(00:27:21):
voices there's always a lie in them so it's not telling you the truth but it is
(00:27:25):
trying to protect you so I'd invite you to get curious about that voice about what
(00:27:30):
it's saying to you and perhaps instead of fighting it say what is this part of me
(00:27:34):
afraid of what what is it trying to protect me from and also actually what might be
(00:27:39):
possible if I gave myself permission to just try again even tiny tiny steps and
(00:27:45):
I'd remind her that the change doesn't have to be a big overnight transformation.
(00:27:50):
The small shifts matter.
(00:27:52):
They bring, even 1% change brings some relief.
(00:27:55):
One choice that feels a little bit empowering, one moment of hope is really powerful.
(00:28:00):
And if they can hold onto that,
(00:28:02):
even the possibility that things might change,
(00:28:04):
then that's a crack in the door there.
(00:28:06):
That's where the light gets in a little bit.
(00:28:08):
But yeah, being curious about that voice.
(00:28:10):
It is trying to protect you, but what's it trying to protect you from?
(00:28:13):
Yeah, definitely.
(00:28:15):
And that emotional journey as we come out of victim mode,
(00:28:19):
it's not necessarily about swapping one mindset for another.
(00:28:23):
I although I'm a positive psychology coach as well,
(00:28:26):
I struggle with the word mindset,
(00:28:28):
because for me,
(00:28:29):
it's so fixed.
(00:28:31):
And I really believe in the
(00:28:35):
You know, a neuroplasticity.
(00:28:37):
And as you've mentioned, we're evolving.
(00:28:40):
And so our attitudes and the way we see things and respond to things evolve as well.
(00:28:47):
So it's not necessarily just swapping out.
(00:28:51):
out that um sort of fixed mentality mode but there is an awakening in it isn't
(00:28:56):
there there is as you've mentioned that hope and that hope inspires courage and
(00:29:01):
then we start to see we start to see all the possibilities and
(00:29:06):
I see this as well sometimes with clients who have a relationship with their
(00:29:12):
neurodivergence where they still in some moments live or relate to themselves or
(00:29:20):
their neurodivergence as a victim.
(00:29:22):
You know, they're very much blaming the neurodivergence.
(00:29:25):
Not as an escaping kind of thing,
(00:29:28):
you know,
(00:29:28):
to escape responsibility,
(00:29:29):
but there can be a great frustration with the challenge.
(00:29:33):
And I think that's part of many women's relationship with the menopause when
(00:29:37):
they're still in that victim mode thinking that they are really frustrated and
(00:29:44):
blaming themselves.
(00:29:45):
At the same time as feeling the victim,
(00:29:48):
they're blaming the perimenopause,
(00:29:50):
they're blaming their hormones for what they're having to go through.
(00:29:55):
And in many ways, it's understandable.
(00:29:56):
But if we focus on the blaming and don't actually get to the explaining part of it,
(00:30:01):
then,
(00:30:02):
yeah,
(00:30:02):
then we do remain in this zone,
(00:30:04):
don't we?
(00:30:05):
where we're not able to enjoy life at the same time and just that power of as you
(00:30:11):
mentioned before when we stop numbing you said that we feel all the emotions then
(00:30:16):
so yes we still feel that frustration or the challenge and the tricky emotions that
(00:30:21):
we might feel but actually we can get around to enjoying life as well you know just
(00:30:28):
all numbed down and survive there are things that we give ourselves permission to
(00:30:32):
enjoy and say well actually
(00:30:34):
Why not?
(00:30:34):
Why can't I?
(00:30:35):
Not living under this, I shouldn't and I can't.
(00:30:38):
No shoulds and no shouldn'ts.
(00:30:40):
Exactly that.
(00:30:41):
It's life.
(00:30:42):
The mindset thing is a whole process, isn't it?
(00:30:44):
Of course we can't.
(00:30:45):
We've spent years building a life that's around this fixed mindset.
(00:30:50):
It's not...
(00:30:50):
Not something that's going to change overnight just because Georgie says this is
(00:30:54):
the time for our power.
(00:30:55):
It's a whole process.
(00:30:57):
It's a whole journey to get towards understanding that feeling,
(00:31:01):
that power,
(00:31:02):
believing that power.
(00:31:04):
And I'm a great believer that who I want to be in the future, I have to act as that person now.
(00:31:09):
And it might not feel natural to start with.
(00:31:11):
It might feel a bit uncomfortable to start with.
(00:31:14):
But as I do that more and more, that woman becomes natural.
(00:31:17):
real to me so it's that whole journey and that's what life is so yes I get to feel
(00:31:22):
the negative emotions but I get to feel the joy as well and that's for me that's
(00:31:27):
life that's living it and if we only ever feel we can't only ever feel the good
(00:31:32):
because the bar gets set higher and higher than all the time of course we have
(00:31:36):
have to have the lower ones and the lower ones have often come because something
(00:31:39):
great has happened and that means that's something to be thankful for that we've
(00:31:42):
had that great time and now we're experiencing this time but it is it's that whole
(00:31:46):
journey which is life it's all very well having the goals the goal isn't life
(00:31:50):
getting there isn't right I'm experiencing life now because I've reached the goal
(00:31:54):
the life has happened between us now and getting to that goal at the end and
(00:31:58):
actually the goal is probably always moving further and further away because as we
(00:32:01):
grow as people our goals develop and change as well
(00:32:05):
Yeah.
(00:32:05):
Yes.
(00:32:05):
It's just enjoying that ebb and flow of life and the ebb and flow of our emotions
(00:32:10):
and our confidence without being anchored in the shame and the victim mode and the
(00:32:16):
blaming,
(00:32:16):
but actually saying,
(00:32:17):
I'm actually going to anchor myself in hope.
(00:32:20):
I'm going to give myself permission to be courageous, even with the little steps.
(00:32:26):
And I'm going to give myself permission to live my life and enjoy myself.
(00:32:30):
my life and to move through this in a way that is actually quite beautiful,
(00:32:37):
even despite the challenges.
(00:32:39):
Absolutely.
(00:32:40):
And I'd argue that the little steps are actually the most amazing ones,
(00:32:44):
to be honest,
(00:32:44):
because that's where the real change happens.
(00:32:47):
And yeah,
(00:32:48):
let's come out of living our life on autopilot,
(00:32:51):
come out of life of being responsible for everyone else and find
(00:32:55):
what it is that we actually need and what we feel,
(00:32:59):
understand what's happening to ourself,
(00:33:01):
explore our beliefs,
(00:33:02):
connect back to our values,
(00:33:04):
being kind to ourselves,
(00:33:05):
that self-compassion,
(00:33:07):
because we can be our hardest,
(00:33:09):
harshest critics.
(00:33:10):
Our voice is the one that we hear the most.
(00:33:12):
So just
(00:33:13):
being kind so yes whilst we're finding the change hard and difficult not berating
(00:33:18):
ourselves not putting ourselves down acknowledging that it is hard and that it is
(00:33:22):
difficult but we are being brave and we are being courageous and we are taking
(00:33:25):
those steps and just reframing that that whole midlife menopause thing that it's
(00:33:31):
not the most awful the end time that actually this is the time where we can open
(00:33:36):
our eyes and see what the potential is
(00:33:38):
yeah absolutely and obviously we've talked about women numbing and just pushing
(00:33:45):
through to survive and trying to just cope with it all on their own and then also
(00:33:49):
sometimes as women all together we can have a big let's all blame and shame
(00:33:54):
menopause and perimenopause fest and sometimes that can be really validating
(00:33:58):
actually as well can't it that whole conversation with other people that they also
(00:34:03):
struggle just hearing each other's voices breaks the isolation of it as
(00:34:08):
You know,
(00:34:09):
when we're struggling and we see someone who's doing well,
(00:34:11):
there is also something about this,
(00:34:13):
look,
(00:34:14):
I'll have what she's having energy that isn't necessarily FOMO,
(00:34:19):
but is genuinely inspiring because we see somebody who has been doing this rising
(00:34:24):
up and given themselves permission to rise up.
(00:34:27):
It's obviously really important though, to take care too, isn't it?
(00:34:30):
That we're trusting someone qualified who really understands us and our personal journey.
(00:34:36):
I know that I have my own thoughts about friends being fantastic,
(00:34:41):
family being a great support,
(00:34:43):
but how important it is to work through the bigger emotional things,
(00:34:48):
sometimes with somebody who is more objective and is professionally trained because
(00:34:53):
it actually releases our friends and families to support us.
(00:34:57):
What are your thoughts about that?
(00:34:59):
So,
(00:34:59):
yeah,
(00:35:00):
there's definitely something really important in that the I'll have some of what
(00:35:04):
she's having energy trying to come from it,
(00:35:06):
not from the point of FOMO,
(00:35:08):
but from point of inspiration.
(00:35:10):
It can be really positive because it can give us that hope.
(00:35:12):
If someone else can do it, then there's absolutely no reason why we can't.
(00:35:16):
and to know that change is possible is really empowering but yeah really important
(00:35:21):
to pause and to check in with who that is and if you're seeing it on social media
(00:35:25):
for example because social media is a great place isn't it where so look at the
(00:35:28):
changes I've made in my life this has happened to
(00:35:31):
overnight.
(00:35:31):
It seems like it's happened to them overnight.
(00:35:33):
We've not seen the journey.
(00:35:35):
So really important to have some discernment in thinking,
(00:35:38):
well,
(00:35:38):
yes,
(00:35:38):
I'm seeing their before and after in this 24 hours,
(00:35:41):
but that's not the true duration of it.
(00:35:42):
That's not how long it's really taken.
(00:35:45):
Also to be thinking, well, actually, do they really understand about the hormones that
(00:35:50):
do they understand about perimenopause do they understand about midlife because but
(00:35:55):
take me for example I am not a medically qualified person so I wouldn't talk to my
(00:36:00):
clients about which HRT they should have what's going to work for them whether they
(00:36:04):
should even take it or not because that's not within my remit and if I were
(00:36:09):
proclaiming to understand all of that as a non-medical person I don't feel that's
(00:36:13):
ethical that's not
(00:36:14):
how I want to be.
(00:36:15):
But I do know about looking at women as a whole.
(00:36:19):
I do know how to help women have a conversation with their medical practitioner,
(00:36:23):
whether that's their GP or consultant or elsewhere.
(00:36:25):
I know how to help them have a
(00:36:28):
conversation where they are confident in what they are asking so that they have a
(00:36:31):
really sensible conversation.
(00:36:34):
I know that not everybody can or wants to take HRT and that's absolutely fine.
(00:36:39):
I am able to look at a woman as a whole, a whole being, and be able to support her through that.
(00:36:44):
So it's about finding somebody who you gel with, who understands you as a whole, but finding
(00:36:51):
finding somebody who perhaps isn't quite as close to you as your family and friends
(00:36:56):
are because our family and friends we all have certain roles to play in those
(00:37:01):
relationships don't we and whilst they more than likely want the absolutely the
(00:37:06):
best for you they might be scared for you to do different things because they don't
(00:37:11):
want you to get hurt they don't want you to be challenged too much
(00:37:14):
But actually, that may be what you need.
(00:37:17):
And working with somebody like me,
(00:37:19):
maybe a therapist,
(00:37:20):
a coach,
(00:37:20):
your doctor,
(00:37:22):
they can understand what you need and what you want.
(00:37:25):
They can have a conversation with you and help you work out all the thoughts that
(00:37:28):
go around in your brain to work out what it is you actually need and what you want
(00:37:32):
and be able to,
(00:37:33):
if you've decided you want to do something that's a little bit challenging,
(00:37:36):
help hold your hand while you go through that rather than say,
(00:37:39):
oh,
(00:37:40):
don't do that.
(00:37:40):
That seems a bit scary.
(00:37:42):
which some of your friends or your family might do or they might have their own
(00:37:45):
experiences which would cloud and give a bias to the information that they're
(00:37:50):
giving you as well and that's what a coach a therapist a medical practitioner is
(00:37:54):
trained exactly not to do to not bring their own biases in there to see what you
(00:38:00):
want because I haven't got the answers for you you've got them in there I'm just
(00:38:04):
here to help you find them and bring them out
(00:38:07):
And that's a great point as well.
(00:38:08):
Sometimes we see something works, maybe for all of our friends.
(00:38:12):
Maybe they're all using this thing to help them.
(00:38:15):
But it doesn't necessarily mean it's gonna be the right thing for us.
(00:38:19):
And then that can make that person who it doesn't work for think,
(00:38:22):
well,
(00:38:22):
why isn't it working for me?
(00:38:24):
It's a me problem again.
(00:38:25):
Yeah, it's a me problem.
(00:38:27):
And
(00:38:27):
Again,
(00:38:27):
this is something that I do a fair amount with my neurodivergent clients,
(00:38:33):
especially around hormones as well as we get to look at the whole experience,
(00:38:38):
the holistic experience.
(00:38:39):
So I encourage them to track their cycle and their emotional experiences,
(00:38:45):
their emotional behavior and everything else that is happening in their life,
(00:38:50):
not just the hormonal symptoms that they experience because everything is
(00:38:56):
interconnected.
(00:38:57):
and i think that it's actually really powerful to see yourself to change that
(00:39:03):
perspective of yourself you know sometimes that rising above is also learning to
(00:39:08):
see ourselves differently and if we are continually trying to work things in our
(00:39:12):
own life out through the lens of our friends then we are seeing ourselves only
(00:39:17):
through the lens of our friends and the people
(00:39:20):
who know us as we are now or know us as we have been before so they may see the
(00:39:24):
potential in us absolutely they may be wonderful friends but when we're in those
(00:39:29):
self-discovery times having a sounding board and somebody who is objective and
(00:39:35):
really fully invested in just helping you see yourself as you are not through
(00:39:41):
anybody else's lens and very much often talk about the inner stories that we're
(00:39:46):
Carrying,
(00:39:46):
you know,
(00:39:46):
we have our own inner stories and then we have our stories about what we think
(00:39:50):
other people are saying or thinking about us and other stories about what we know
(00:39:53):
they think and say about us.
(00:39:55):
And we're continually disentangling stories.
(00:39:57):
And there is that care sometimes that we need to take, even with the most amazing friends.
(00:40:03):
You may have fantastic friends who are really empowering as well,
(00:40:07):
but what really empowers us is beginning to see ourselves through our own lens of
(00:40:13):
hope.
(00:40:13):
and courage and permission giving and then seeing our friends response to that
(00:40:18):
which hopefully if they're great friends they're going to be like yeah right by you
(00:40:23):
and if they're not then it's their problem actually sometimes you see that a little
(00:40:27):
bit we do grow and we do evolve that can make for sometimes a little bit of an
(00:40:31):
uncomfortable change in our relationships with the people around us that we love
(00:40:35):
while we just learn to communicate that because it's like the learning to say no
(00:40:39):
the boundaries type thing
(00:40:40):
people expect us to behave in certain ways.
(00:40:42):
And when we suddenly start behaving in a slightly different way,
(00:40:45):
it can take them back a little bit.
(00:40:46):
So yes, so important to get the support and the help.
(00:40:49):
And I do advocate getting support and help because we don't have to do this on our own.
(00:40:53):
But to get that from someone who understands the bigger picture of us,
(00:40:57):
rather than like you say,
(00:40:58):
the picture of us that they know their lens.
(00:41:00):
But yeah,
(00:41:00):
getting clear on what our symptoms are,
(00:41:02):
what we're feeling and finding the support around that's right for you.
(00:41:05):
yeah absolutely and so obviously i'm always saying on this podcast if anything that
(00:41:10):
we've talked about is touching you or you're having an aha moment you think i need
(00:41:14):
to explore that more deeply um there's no shame in seeking professional support and
(00:41:19):
it's a powerful thing to do i think we should see it as something that is not just
(00:41:24):
investing in ourselves but really giving ourselves permission to enjoy life and
(00:41:29):
and to work through the things that we want to work through sometimes we make
(00:41:34):
things so serious and menopause is a serious thing the challenges of menopause is
(00:41:37):
serious and the challenges of neurodivergence are serious as well they are big
(00:41:42):
things but also there's so much joy to be found there is so much joy to be found as
(00:41:46):
someone who is neurodivergent there is so much joy to be found through that
(00:41:50):
experience of saying farewell to one season of our life and
(00:41:55):
giving ourselves permission to move into a new season of our life as we go through
(00:42:00):
perimenopause.
(00:42:01):
I'd love to normalise the asking for help because I think it's something because
(00:42:04):
women,
(00:42:05):
we don't do very well.
(00:42:06):
So I would really like to normalise that.
(00:42:09):
Yeah.
(00:42:09):
So for anyone listening today whose partner,
(00:42:12):
friends or relative is struggling with this,
(00:42:14):
because we're not anti-friends and anti-partners when we say,
(00:42:17):
hey...
(00:42:17):
Hang on, go and see a professional.
(00:42:19):
We're actually talking about the health of everybody's relationship.
(00:42:22):
Sometimes as much as our family members and friends love to support us and are
(00:42:25):
there for us,
(00:42:26):
actually helping somebody walk step by step through every emotional journey that
(00:42:32):
they're on can be a heavy thing as well.
(00:42:35):
And it can actually be quite freeing for us to support.
(00:42:37):
release our friendships to be friendships and yes we still might all sit together
(00:42:41):
and have a laugh and shoot our mouths off about what menopause is like and how
(00:42:45):
horrible it is it's exactly that it's the camaraderie of having people around you
(00:42:50):
who get it who understand it who know how difficult it is even if they might not
(00:42:54):
experience exactly the same symptoms there's usually going to be people around you
(00:42:58):
or experiencing some of the same ones or if you're in a group between you you're
(00:43:02):
experiencing things and just to know
(00:43:04):
that there are people around you who get it is really really cathartic but having
(00:43:09):
said that the support to just bring you on is probably beyond the remit of
(00:43:14):
friendship for all the various reasons of them seeing you through the different
(00:43:17):
lens but how I would say to anyone who is supporting someone in perimenopause is
(00:43:22):
that yes it can feel like walking on eggshells sometimes and it's
(00:43:25):
completely understandable because hormonal changes can make those emotions really
(00:43:29):
raw and when you watch someone that you love going through those emotions going
(00:43:32):
through those changes it can be hard to know what to do or to say because obviously
(00:43:37):
it's unlikely that you're an expert in this so how are you supposed to know what to
(00:43:41):
do so I would absolutely say
(00:43:43):
talk to them with empathy rather than coming to them with solutions and this is why
(00:43:48):
it's difficult with friends and loved ones isn't it because they just want to fix
(00:43:51):
something for you yeah want to make you better and we're not broken we don't need
(00:43:55):
fixing we need someone to listen to us to hear us
(00:43:59):
And be calm and reassuring.
(00:44:00):
So just come to them with a hug,
(00:44:02):
validate them and just say,
(00:44:04):
I'm here if you want to talk about it.
(00:44:06):
Ask what they need rather than guessing what it is,
(00:44:09):
rather than thinking,
(00:44:10):
oh,
(00:44:10):
she'll love it if I do this.
(00:44:11):
She absolutely might not love it if you do that.
(00:44:14):
Ask her what she wants.
(00:44:16):
open the door to those honest conversations and give them space say right if you
(00:44:20):
want some space that's absolutely fine I'm just going to be here I'll just be in
(00:44:23):
this room I'll just be back later on so they know you're not leaving them but
(00:44:27):
giving that space to feel what they need to feel to go through but also hold
(00:44:30):
compassion for yourself as well because it's hard when you're being there for
(00:44:34):
someone else supporting someone else through big changes can be difficult for
(00:44:37):
yourself so just be kind to the both of you
(00:44:40):
Yeah.
(00:44:40):
Yeah.
(00:44:40):
Great advice.
(00:44:41):
And I would say as well to the woman going through the deep challenges too,
(00:44:47):
that when somebody asks you what they can do to help,
(00:44:50):
to actually be honest and say what it is that you need.
(00:44:54):
And sometimes the thing that helps us is not them having a big,
(00:44:57):
deep emotional conversation with us.
(00:44:59):
It's them picking up a chore for us or doing something else.
(00:45:03):
And I think that permission giving works on both sides for us.
(00:45:07):
family and friends who are supporting to actually say yeah how can i help you and
(00:45:13):
for the person who is struggling to actually give them permission to help us and to
(00:45:21):
also share about your needs you know one of the big pieces of work that i do with
(00:45:25):
people is about their emotional needs and that having needs does not mean that we
(00:45:29):
are needy it is a part of being
(00:45:32):
a human.
(00:45:33):
And if we press them down,
(00:45:34):
like you were saying,
(00:45:35):
and we've mentioned a few times that numbing down,
(00:45:38):
if you numb down your needs or you think,
(00:45:40):
right,
(00:45:40):
I've just got to suck it up and get through this myself and push others away.
(00:45:44):
It can be tricky for them as well.
(00:45:46):
And I know when we've spoken before,
(00:45:47):
we've talked about the way that actually our loved ones and our friends wants to
(00:45:52):
help us.
(00:45:54):
So it's important to let them know how they
(00:45:58):
They can help us and actually to put our pride away and put our shame away.
(00:46:03):
And I know I certainly was very, very independent.
(00:46:07):
I'd become increasingly independent.
(00:46:10):
I was married for a long time and then I was a single parent or have been a single
(00:46:13):
parent for a good fair few years now.
(00:46:16):
And the longer that I've been a single parent, the more independent that I became.
(00:46:21):
And I
(00:46:21):
Actually, I'm a cancer survivor.
(00:46:23):
I think many people listening already know that,
(00:46:26):
but I learned a big lesson during my treatment about this,
(00:46:29):
about allowing other people to help me.
(00:46:31):
And when I first got diagnosed,
(00:46:33):
I had this moment where I thought,
(00:46:34):
can I go through this without anybody else knowing?
(00:46:37):
Can I get through the cancer treatment?
(00:46:39):
And of course I couldn't.
(00:46:40):
And I had a big learning curve there,
(00:46:42):
but it was really powerful for me to stop being so independent and let the people
(00:46:47):
who love me and care about me
(00:46:48):
do things to help me so everything from walking the dog to driving me to
(00:46:52):
appointments even if i wanted to go in on my own which actually was part of my own
(00:46:57):
coping with the situation so i didn't have to carry somebody else's emotions in an
(00:47:01):
appointment with me that was very unique to me and how i work i know that many
(00:47:06):
other people like to have someone with them in an appointment and that's important
(00:47:10):
I can remember a specific moment.
(00:47:11):
I was trying to shield my children from the effects of having a major operation and
(00:47:16):
all that was going on.
(00:47:17):
And just that moment where I was struggling,
(00:47:20):
I was sitting there struggling by myself to put on a top,
(00:47:24):
to lift my arms enough to be able to brush my hair.
(00:47:28):
And my oldest daughter had come to visit and she walked past and she said, mama, please.
(00:47:33):
Let me help you.
(00:47:34):
And always brings tears to my eyes when I talk about it,
(00:47:37):
but it was a very beautiful moment and something within me as I just allowed her to
(00:47:43):
help me put the clothes on,
(00:47:45):
to brush my hair,
(00:47:47):
just to help me take care of myself.
(00:47:49):
Everything within me as a parent, as a mother,
(00:47:52):
didn't want to allow somebody else especially my children to help me in that way i
(00:47:57):
wanted to shield them and protect them and i think that often even in things like
(00:48:01):
perimenopause and other things that we go through we feel like this is our thing to
(00:48:06):
carry our thing to work through but actually when we have people around us who love
(00:48:11):
us that we empower them to actually support us in the way
(00:48:16):
that we need and so i've learned and i now work with my clients as well to actually
(00:48:20):
say you know think of things that will help you that you can ask somebody else to
(00:48:25):
do and empower them to love you in the way that you need to be loved in this moment
(00:48:30):
people want to help you so giving them the gift of being able to is really
(00:48:36):
important to them a really important way to share it and
(00:48:39):
You mentioned they're shielding.
(00:48:40):
Even by doing everything for ourselves, we're not actually shielding them, are we?
(00:48:44):
Because they're still going to worry.
(00:48:45):
They're still concerned for us.
(00:48:47):
They still want to support us.
(00:48:48):
So they're still going to have all those emotions and also the emotion of
(00:48:51):
frustration because they want to do something to help you feel a little bit better.
(00:48:55):
So by allowing them in,
(00:48:56):
you create a connection and can share all those emotions together,
(00:49:01):
making it easier on both of yourselves whilst also empowering them and giving them
(00:49:05):
this gift of being able to support you.
(00:49:07):
yeah absolutely and obviously coming out of that victim mode and rising up doesn't
(00:49:12):
mean that we become independent we need our village we need our people we need our
(00:49:16):
professionals we need people that we can trust and who actually really know what
(00:49:20):
they're talking about not just a lot of the stuff that we find on the internet
(00:49:23):
georgie i could chat with you for hours and hours i know we have had a few
(00:49:28):
conversations before we even got to recording today
(00:49:32):
and our dogs have been joining in as well for any of you who've been hearing dogs
(00:49:35):
in the background we have the occasional cute barking going on so before i ask you
(00:49:40):
the final question that i really want to hear your answer to um can you just
(00:49:45):
briefly let us know how people can connect with you and get in touch with you i
(00:49:49):
think that often when people hear people on podcasts or they watch them on youtube
(00:49:53):
they think oh that person is unreachable or oh that person must be really expensive
(00:49:57):
to work with but i know that you love to connect with people so you're
(00:50:00):
Please let people know how connectable with are you?
(00:50:04):
So connectable.
(00:50:05):
It is my favourite thing to do, to chat to people, to talk to people.
(00:50:09):
So I'm on all the socials, basically.
(00:50:11):
It's the easiest way to reach me.
(00:50:12):
And I genuinely would love people to follow me, connect with me, DM me, chat to me on there.
(00:50:19):
I am Georgie Smith because I am Georgie Smith.
(00:50:23):
that was my moment of empowerment that's why the business is called that I am
(00:50:26):
Georgie Smith so you can find me on Facebook LinkedIn and Instagram I'm on all of
(00:50:31):
those and my DMs are always open there are many different ways to work with me I
(00:50:36):
always offer a free call to start with anyway just really because I think it's the
(00:50:41):
right thing to do because we've got to make sure that we connect and I'm happy to
(00:50:45):
give all sorts of support in those calls and my DMs are open for support too or
(00:50:49):
even just to say hello
(00:50:51):
yeah I love chatting I hope people think I'm approachable oh yeah you absolutely
(00:50:56):
absolutely are so heart to heart what do you want to say to anyone listening today
(00:51:03):
who feels at the moment that they are stuck in that victim mode they're struggling
(00:51:09):
in perimenopause what do you want to say to the woman who feels chained
(00:51:15):
to their hormonal fluctuations.
(00:51:18):
Maybe she's feeling, is this ever going to end?
(00:51:21):
Maybe she's looking at other people,
(00:51:23):
having a bit of FOMO and thinking,
(00:51:24):
well,
(00:51:24):
it's all right for them.
(00:51:25):
What would you say to her?
(00:51:27):
I hear you is probably the first thing.
(00:51:29):
I hear you and I see you because I've been you.
(00:51:31):
You're not broken, not beyond help.
(00:51:34):
You are a woman navigating a profoundly human experience,
(00:51:39):
a human transition,
(00:51:40):
and you deserve compassion mainly from yourself,
(00:51:43):
but you deserve compassion and not shame.
(00:51:45):
There is so much hope out there.
(00:51:48):
There are tools,
(00:51:49):
there is support,
(00:51:50):
there are people who understand,
(00:51:52):
and you can reclaim back your confidence and your spark.
(00:51:55):
It won't happen overnight.
(00:51:57):
But even if you just move forward,
(00:51:58):
just the tiniest bit,
(00:52:00):
even just a millimetre at a time,
(00:52:02):
that's still moving forward.
(00:52:03):
And at some point you will turn around and look and think how far that you've come.
(00:52:07):
But please don't settle for just surviving.
(00:52:10):
We don't have to just get through this.
(00:52:12):
We're worthy.
(00:52:13):
You're worthy of thriving, worthy of feeling good, of having a life that excites you again.
(00:52:19):
And if all that comes out of today is that you acknowledge that you feel stuck,
(00:52:24):
That is a really brave first step to start with.
(00:52:26):
If you can tell somebody or reach out for support or even just tell yourself that
(00:52:30):
you want more,
(00:52:31):
then that is a start of things shifting for you.
(00:52:35):
And you have every right to move from being a victim to writing this next chapter
(00:52:40):
for yourself,
(00:52:41):
being the author of your own story.
(00:52:43):
This isn't the end.
(00:52:44):
It's the most audacious, powerful moment, freeing season yet.
(00:52:50):
And we're here when you're ready to choose to take that next step.
(00:52:54):
so wise and encouraging words there georgie thank you so much for joining me here
(00:52:59):
i've so enjoyed chatting to you and i have no hesitation recommending georgie to
(00:53:05):
anybody listening who is looking for that midlife and menopause or perimenopause
(00:53:10):
support as well so do remember as always
(00:53:14):
take care of yourself give yourself permission to invest in yourself look after
(00:53:19):
yourself and be compassionate and have a think now as we end the episode if there's
(00:53:24):
anything in particular that has been an aha moment for you then here's my question
(00:53:29):
to you what are you going to do about it have a great week and i look forward to
(00:53:34):
welcoming you again next time
