Heartbreak & Disappointment — Episode 15

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Okay, I'm just him. I've been going back and forth whether I'm gonna do another podcast. I have episodes that I haven't dropped, and I have thoughts that I've wanted to say, and I'm just trying to go through this, and I just I really feel like a human body, like a human person, a human soul can only take so much.

SPEAKER_00 0:35

And I'm trying to breathe. I'm just trying to breathe. But I truly feel like I just I don't even I know I don't even want to go on anymore. Like the pain and suffering that I have. It's just too much. It's too much. And even just reaching out for help has just been a nightmare. I mean it's just when I very first started this, I wanted it to be where I was figuring out how to suffer well, how to how to have hope, how to how to manage it all. And I I truly don't feel like I'm ever gonna get it because the amount of hurt and and pain and suffering that other human beings can inflict on you, and you're supposed to find hope in the midst of that, and somehow pull yourself away from how they feel and how they act and what they say and what they do or don't do? How are you supposed to live in a world where people treat you awful and you're just supposed to be okay with it? How are you supposed to have trust and hope and faith in God when you pray and you call out time and time again, and you're like, God, please, please help me. And then you just like get I'm not getting any miracles.

SPEAKER_01 2:35

I I pray for miracles, I hope for miracles, and then miracles don't come, and things just get worse. I mean, it's six o'clock in the morning. I'm gonna tell you what just happened. Like, this is like seven minutes ago that this happened. I got up early because I went to bed at eight because I'm so I just took out my sleeping pills at eight, and then I was up through it out the middle of the night, but I was trying to get sleep because my sleep is just horrible these days. I'm sure my cortisol levels are just shot. But my husband, I hate I don't even I hate it's it'd be hard for me to say the word that anyway anymore. But man came out of the bathroom and I said, Are you gonna respond to my text message yesterday? And he's like, Okay, or whatever. And I'm like, Do you know what it is? And like, like, have you even read it? Because sometimes I don't even think he reads it or cares. I said, Here, hold on. Like, I and I said, See, it's here. He goes, I'm not gonna respond to that. And I'm like, You're not gonna answer any questions, and he said yes, and he walked out. He got in his truck and he left. That was it. Nothing. He's not gonna respond to me, he's not gonna talk to me, he's not gonna help me. So then I just broke down and started crying, and then my head hurts because I'm still not getting enough sleep, even though I I just don't know.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

How am I supposed to have hope? How am I supposed to have faith when I have four children who won't talk to me? Three grandbabies I don't get to see. I mean, the story is so horrible. Just even saying it.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

I have two other like just me talking, just like almost like therapy instead of writing in a journal. And I didn't I haven't published them, I haven't published anything. But in a nutshell, I might go back and listen to them. I might just drop them without listening to them because they were really raw and it was, it's it's all true. I mean, it's like what my thought process is, even if I was emotional and I said something that wasn't kind or nice or all to par, you know, were more than just one feeling or one statement or one sentence or one text. We as human beings are a little bit more complex than that. But long story short, my husband was just really, really rude and disrespectful and mean and dismissive and embarrassing, and the list goes on. And I I think that was that was like the catalyst that there was a bunch of people, and they all felt sorry for me in two different places, and people were concerned about me being with him. They were watching, they were concerned, they were worried, there was pity in their faces, and they were just like, oh my gosh, and I felt it, and I tried, I was trying with all my energy and effort to make the situation better, to make him better, to help the situation. I was doing everything, everything in my power to make it better. I even said a prayer, you know, like but no amount of what I did ended up making things better, and it just was this whole blow-up thing. Like I said, I don't know if I'm gonna put the episodes down or not. But after that, that night, that was a night thing. It started like, well, he started texting me at 3 13. I I remember that. Then I was thinking, you're already drinking. Anyways, I I can't, I don't have proof, but he sure as heck was not acting normal, and you you could go back and look at the text. But, anyways, after that happened the next day, it was an ongoing thing. He was driving around drunk in Houston, he went to answer his phone just like right now. I called him to talk. He doesn't answer his phone, he's completely written me off, completely dismissed me. No sympathy, no empathy, no understanding, no compassion, nothing. Okay. And I'm supposed to live in this house with him during a divorce, which I have no money for. The lawyers, the a friend of mine from church, she said I got a consultation with her after having paid $100 for a consultation with another lady, another lawyer. That's a discount rate, $7,500. I don't have $7,500. She's like, put it on a credit card. I don't have a credit card with $7,500. I don't even know where I could get that. And sitting here stressed about how am I gonna get the money? How am I gonna get the lawyers? How am I gonna get out of this situation? How am I going to make it from where I am now to there?

SPEAKER_00 7:50

When I've been so dismissed and treated so badly that I don't want to fight anymore. I just I just truly want this all to be over and I just can't my my heart, my body, my soul cannot take anymore. Nobody wants to listen to me, and I feel like I've been more treated more like a dog than a human being by my own family and kids. And I know, I know that I know that I know that no human being should go through this. No, no human being. I would never wish this on my worst enemy for somebody to suffer the way that my family is making me suffer.

SPEAKER_01 8:50

I guess it's been like maybe six, seven weeks since we said, okay, this is divorce, because the next morning I asked him, I was like, hey, what about gonna say anything about last night? Because he was just doo-doo doo-doo doo walking around like everything was fine after what he did and how he treated me and everything that went down, and all the people looking and just the whole situation, you know, not answering the phone. It's just a very messed up, not mutual respect, not mutual love. There it just was not. I was trying, I was trying, and he wasn't. And he acted like he did nothing wrong, no accountability, no reason to apologize, no nothing. And I mean, in our conversation, he finally was like, Okay, I'm sorry I did that, but he had excuse after excuse, reason after reason, validation after validation. I was just having a drink. Oh, the bartender, I was waiting for you. It was one thing after another. There was no real empathy, understanding, concern, you know, accountability. Just no accountability. Not, I'm sorry, that was wrong of me. I did something wrong. He even once said, What? I beat you to the punch. You were gonna leave. I was never gonna leave. That was never on my agenda. I said, like, if you feel like you don't want to be here anymore, we can get up and leave, Mark. You know, like I was I was being so accommodating and so over the top concerned about him and trying to take care of him, but then the next day he can't. He was just it was awful. And I just thought, I'm still living with the same, you know, 20-something year old that I was 30 years ago. And I know when I got married, I thought, we're both gonna grow up, he's gonna grow up, he's gonna mature, he's not gonna be the same kid who is so messed up and doing all these things and being, and he's not. We're he's gonna grow up. But the thing is, he's not. And I know that.

SPEAKER_00 11:05

And I just I stayed for all these reasons for God, for my mom, because my mom is not even talking to me because I'm talking about divorce.

SPEAKER_01 11:18

I knew, you know, my my God, my church, my mom, my kids, everybody else. I everybody else. I remember I was seven months pregnant with my first daughter. And I remember what happened in a parking lot. It's a whole story, but I that was the first time I thought this is not healthy, this is not good. The way he's treating me is not right. It was on our wedding night, actually, that he was partying and getting drunk with his friends, and I was having an asthma attack at the bar that I knew that, you know, he's all about himself. He did, he wasn't, he wasn't there for me. It wasn't a romantic night. We went home and he ended up passing out drunk, you know. Just and I just I put up with the behavior. I think, well, I know now because I was abused as a kid. My mom and dad had a messed-up relationship. My mom took care of my dad a lot of the time. She made excuses for him, she justified his behavior, she said it's okay. She forgave, forgave. That's what you're supposed to do, 70 times seven. So I married into that, and that's what I've been dealing with. And I know that there's reasons for it, but it doesn't make it any better. And I feel like the stupidest person in the world. Because there were so many signs.

SPEAKER_00 12:46

Nobody in their right mind, nobody would have ended up marrying him. I mean, he just stupid. He was just so stupid.

SPEAKER_01 12:58

It was about lust and having fun and partying and hopes and dreams and the connection and the sex and it wasn't about maturity, responsibility, planning a future, thinking about things. He wasn't a Christian. He had a ton of bills, he was lying to his parents, he didn't want to talk to his mom. He didn't have a job, he was getting drunk, stoned and hot, you know, drugs, all of it. He was a hot mess. He he was living in a house without electricity, with flea everywhere. I saw all the warning signs, and despite it all, I had hope.

SPEAKER_00 13:44

I had hope. But was it really even hope? I mean, it was just stupidity.

SPEAKER_01 13:55

I just thought, I'll help him, I'll make him better, I'll teach him about God, and I did. And and when our daughter, our second daughter, was two and a half, he became a Christian, quote, became a Christian. He he got up and he got baptized, and I thought, okay, now things are gonna be better. Now things will be better because now he's gonna be a Christian, and we're gonna have a different life, he's gonna change, there's gonna be this like repentant heart, and this, you know, whatever. I was I was just so wrong. Like I was just so wrong. And I I remember telling him after I had our third kid, and I had postpartum really bad, like really bad postpartum depression. I was stressed and just terrible thoughts, and it was horrible for me. But we had three girls, and he was an only child, so there was this pressure to have a boy. But I told him after two kids, I really felt like I was two kids was fine with me. Then it was three. Then, okay, now we gotta try for a boy. Then we had four, and I kept saying, Mark, could you go in and have the little snip snip? Or you he doesn't like doctors, he doesn't like hospitals, so I was like, okay. And then I had hope and faith and trust that God is gonna see us through. God, no matter what the situation, no matter the finances, no matter how many times he would come home drunk on a Saturday night on the couch, I would still get up with the kids and take them to church on Sunday morning. I would do that. I I would just keep going. So we had the fourth kid, and then we had the fifth kid, and we had the sixth kid. Now that sixth kid is 16 years old, and I'm still dealing with the same dismissiveness, the same disregard, the same selfishness, the same lack of accountability. And no, I'm not saying I'm perfect. No, but I definitely think that if I had married a Christian husband and had I known and saw the signs of what happened in my childhood, to why I was I I've dated and had other boyfriends and ex other fiances. I literally chose the worst case scenario because I didn't marry and going, oh, he's gonna be a good provider, he's gonna be a good father, he's gonna be a good role model. I didn't marry him for that. I didn't. I married him because he had a cute butt and we had fun, you know. But the only times we really were having fun was when we were drunk or partying, you know. And and if that wasn't happening, the talking really wasn't as good. He he was shyer back then. I guess I brought that out of him. I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm kidding off, but there's no thoughts to this. I just I don't know how I'm supposed to live in a house with somebody who's as dismissive and doesn't care. He doesn't respond to my type. I didn't I stopped talking to him when we just kept fighting, fighting. So for 12 days we didn't talk. Well, part of that was because he took my two kids, 19 and 16, to California on a family vacation without me. Yeah, true. He took them to California to see the grandbaby, but it's worse, the grandbaby that I had that I didn't find out till like 10 to 12 days later from my mom in my driveway. My husband texted me that somewhere, but I didn't see it. I saw the pictures he sent me. I never saw that I had a grandbaby, he never mentioned it, he never told me, she never called me. The level of dismissiveness for me who sacrificed and gave and did and all that, and they won't even respond. They won't even text me and say, guess what? You're a grandma again. He goes to California with them for five days. He spends the time, he spends the money. I asked him to go to counseling with me, intensive counseling for five days. It was gonna cost like six thousand dollars. His aunt, quote, quote, verbatim, I don't want to spend the time or the money. And we've proven that going to counseling throughout the years here and there didn't work. We went to the focus on the family thing. It's a three-day weekend, and I, you know, let's try this. It's focus on the family, let's do it. And I remember us arguing in the hotel room, and I think the other Christian families next to us, the couples in the hotel room must be hearing us, but nobody stopped, nobody called it out, nobody, you know, it didn't work. It didn't work, none of it worked. I I I think that we've tried counseling, we've tried going to Sunday schools, we've tried different churches. Literally this morning, I was sitting here looking through my feed and my my messages, my emails, and everything, and there's one called Turnaround Marriage, and it says book an appointment with us, and I was literally looking at it, thinking about asking him. Thinking about asking him, the man who just dismissed me, who just walked out, who I'm telling you all this stuff, and I'm still trying to find a shred of hope.

SPEAKER_00 19:48

And it it makes me sick and disgusted with myself. Because what kind of idiot? What's their hope and their trust in a man who can't even give her the time of day and walks out on her, who gets drunk at restaurants and dismisses her and walks out and leaves her? What kind of woman hopes for that? Like the bottom of the barrel. I mean, what am I what am I hoping for? He's not gonna respect me. He's not gonna, he's not gonna treat me like the Christ treats the church.

SPEAKER_01 20:28

He's not gonna be sympathetic, understanding. I've literally been in my bed crying, and he has come in and said, Stop crying. He doesn't want to hear me crying. And some people are my friends, like, well, he's probably dysregulated too, Carrie. He probably just doesn't know how to deal with it. Okay, fine. How about some sympathy? How about I'm sorry you're upset. How about something other than stop crying?

SPEAKER_00 20:56

And I'm just thinking, how screwed up am I to have six kids and build a life into everything? I homeschooled, I took care of them, I did the playlist and the slumber parties and cut their nails, picked out their outfits, and did all the activities and I planned everything from doctor's appointments and dentist appointments to multiplication tables.

SPEAKER_01 21:23

Well, you know what it's like to be a mom, but I went above and beyond. I directed schools, I started a school, I was the principal of a university model school. I I did it all because Mark wasn't helping. In all those years, he went to one, one because I begged and pleaded for him to go to one homeschooling conference. Out of all those years, he went to one. I would ask him for help and he'd be like, I'm working during the day. It's your this is your job during the day. I was never as good at math. I wanted him to teach the kids math, but then he would get mad at him and yell. At them and they didn't like it, and so I was like, Okay, fine. Eventually, a couple kids I ended up putting in school. I regret that, and now here we are. He gave me a piece of paper the other day, and it had all this lit these numbers, and I had asked him, he said, I've got a proposal for you because we started talking about the divorce thing like that next day. I'm all over the place in my time and everything because I'm just so upset. He gave me the piece of paper, and I thought it was gonna be, hey, I mean, I just I'm so dumb.

SPEAKER_00 22:38

I'm just so dumb. I'm so dumb. Because I just kept hoping that it would he would come back from California and he would say, you know what? I sat down with your kids and I pleaded your case, and everybody wants to go to counseling, and everybody loves you and they want you to see the grandbaby, but that wasn't it. Nobody, he didn't talk, he didn't say anything, there was nothing, there was no miracles. When he handed me the piece of paper, I just started crying because I there's this this part where I just keep hoping that he'll become some sensitive, kind, empathetic man. And he's not going to be. And I know that. But I just hoped that the piece of paper would be say something like, I love you, let's work on our marriage. I found a counselor, we're gonna do this, we're gonna get our family back together after three and a half years of you having CPTSD.

SPEAKER_01 23:44

That was almost three and a half years ago. And my whole family abandoned me and threw me away. And when he was there, uh somewhere in our conversations when he came back, we didn't talk a whole lot about it. But I I he I said he said, I said, Do I want to know anything that happened in California? Because I don't know if they're saying she's the world's biggest, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, fell in the blank, or if they're like, gee, I can't believe you guys are gonna get divorced after 30 years marriage. So I don't know who those people are, I don't know what they're thinking, what they're saying at all. It was my oldest daughter and my oldest son, and then their family and his girlfriend and all of that, and they're there, the whole everybody. And I don't know if I'm even acknowledged. I don't know if they even mentioned me. I don't know. And so I said to him, and when he was getting ready the other day, I said, Do I want to know? And and he said, he comes in here and he says, You know, you messaged your son-in-law, and he they were gonna talk about it and get back to you. Well, I had waited at least 24 hours, and I crickets, you know, I mean, my gosh, he's under 30. You don't not look at your phone for over 24 hours. I'm sure he could have picked it up. He could have responded, like, hey, I'm gonna talk to Hannah about it. We'll get back to you. Something he did, nothing. So then I responded with two sentences, probably something like, you know, I'm really disappointed, and I hope you guys learn communication. Something like that, which I stand by. I it wasn't anything mean or over the top or crazy or whatever. But Mark comes in here. I don't have the text message, so I can't read it to you. I don't know what happened to it. I probably just deleted it or something. Mark comes in here and he says, Oh, they they were talking about calling you, they were gonna call you, but then you sent another message, and it wasn't exactly up to, you know, they they didn't decide. And I was like, How harsh! Like, I can't even send two sentences without being dismissed. Like, there is no compassion or empathy or sympathy from anybody. Like, they could have, you know, looked at that and said, Wow, she's she's really stressed, she really wants us to have communication, but they took it as a negative, they took it as a oh well, we're never gonna call her again. So I and instead of him backing me up, going, Well, of course your mom feels like that. She's reaching out to you. Of course your mom feels sad. You had a baby and didn't tell her, you know, he he could have backed me up, he could have supported me, he could have, he could have pleaded my case and said, you know, your mom's heartbroken, your mom loves you. If your mom did anything, she's a human, but she did her best. And if she sent you a text and it wasn't exactly perfect, give her some grace, give her some mercy, give her some understanding. But he didn't do that. No, he he he didn't do that. He came here and started blaming me because I sent a uh two. I mean, nobody's talking to me. How would you feel? Like somebody freaking put yourself in my shoes. Who goes and and stays with somebody for 30 years, sacrificing hoping for everybody else just to have it get screwed up because your nervous system, you know, just collapses three and a half years ago and it was a horrible situation, CBTSD, all that. I get it. I'm sorry. If I sent a text that was bad, if I responded badly, I'm sorry. I am really sorry, but give me a chance to be a human being, give me a chance to be a mom, give me a chance to hold my grandbaby.

SPEAKER_00 27:23

But no, everybody just has to double down on my heartbreak, my dismissiveness. And I just I don't really, really want to live in a world where not only people can be that mean, but your own kids and your own husband. Because I truly do not think that there is anything that I've ever done or said that deserves this level of punishment, because that's what it is. It's dismissiveness, it's abuse, it's emotional abuse, it's pain, and I've just had so much of it, and I'm not saying I'm perfect and I didn't hurt them or upset them or say something, but at least I'm willing to communicate about it, at least I'm willing to talk about it, at least I'm willing to do counseling, like at least I've tried and I've tried and I've tried. And he says, No, I'm not gonna respond to that.

SPEAKER_01 28:42

And I said, Any part of it? And he said, Yes, and he walks out.

SPEAKER_00 28:46

He doesn't answer his phone. And why am I even chasing him or them if they don't give a shit about me? Why? Why do I feel like I am so unworthy that I don't even deserve? I mean, this is the best I can get. Why? Why? God knows how much how much of sacrifice and love and work and devotion and everything.

SPEAKER_01 29:18

God knows, and I know that.

SPEAKER_00 29:20

I know he knows, which makes it even worse right now because it's just like, God, why are you not coming through?

SPEAKER_01 29:28

And then all I keep thinking is maybe, you know, maybe I was listening to South Lake Bible Church. Listen to this. South Lake Bible Church, a friend of mine goes there, and I've been listening to different podcasts and different pastors, and I'm thinking about leaving my church. And he did a three-part series on marriage and divorce. And I even called up to the church to talk to them and say, What am I supposed to do with this situation? Because he's saying there's only two reasons for divorce, and you should get a divorce. And you and I'm like, you know, he's been married the pastor for 40 years and he loves his wife, and he's a great guy, and whatever, whatever. How would you do it when you're dismissed by your family, when your husband's not bringing your kids together, when he's not supporting you, when he goes on vacation without you, when he doesn't talk to you, when he doesn't respond to your text? What are you what am I supposed to do? I mean, I've I kept saying it's long suffering. Um you're supposed to suffer in life, right? That's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to suffer in life. That's just how I was. Life has its trials and its tribulations. You're just supposed to be stoic and just keep going. And that's what I did. I just I tried to make the best of the situations. I tried to hope, and I just tried and I tried and I tried. But you can't tango by yourself. They're not giving me the time of day, they're not giving me a chance to talk, they're not giving me a chance to apologize, they're not giving me a chance to listen, they're not sure as heck not listening. And I just feel completely abandoned. And then my 19-year-old, he's giving me attitude since he's come back from California. I tell them that estrangement is terrible. I tell them this is not the way people should treat each other. Cancel culture is not a good thing. But there there is no no people get to do whatever they want. They can cut their mom off. That's fine. They could treat her like that. They cannot tell her about their grandbaby, they can just not invite her to you know family vacation, they can just not, I mean, and I just the uh amount of disregard for another human being. Forget the fact that I'm even just their mom. Forget, forget that I know them to that level. But when another human being is like reaching out and crying and asking you just to respond and you can't do that, I just don't understand. I truly don't understand. Because if somebody called me in the situation that I'm in, in a situation similar to mine, even nobody's ever gonna have this situation. There's never gonna be another human being on my planet who's ever had the exact same situation. Lord knows it's bad. But I would never like just say, no, I'm not gonna talk to you. No, I'm not gonna respond to you. I just think that's horrible.

SPEAKER_02 32:51

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

SPEAKER_00 32:53

I just don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't have the money to get the lawyers. It's horrible. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when he's here.

SPEAKER_01 33:05

I'm he gave me that list of all the numbers and everything, which I was hoping was writing of hey, I I still love you.

SPEAKER_00 33:15

Hey, let's work it out, let's go to that counseling. I was wrong.

SPEAKER_01 33:20

That's never he's he's he wants he wants to sell this house so quote, he can get a house and start dating again. I told the lawyers that and they started laughing. He's had two friends who have gotten divorced in the last like year and a half or two or so, and I'm sure he's getting advice from them. He's ready, he's ready to move on. And that's fine. That's fine. I I really should too. I should be willing to move on because how stupid is it that I've been here and tried and hoped and hoped and hoped and prayed and prayed and prayed and wished and wished and wished when it's just sort everything's circling the drain and it's just getting worse. And what's really horrible is the 19-year-old is graduating on the 15th at church, and we're we're gonna have to go to that event. I think the last thing we did as a family is we went to church, and then we were supposed to go to a movie afterwards, and he lost his, you know, he gets upset and he gets frustrated, and he just whatever, and he was F-bombing this and F-bombing that because he didn't he he thought he got the tickets at the right theater, but it wasn't that theater, it was another one, and he was mad, and they they still gave us, you know, like credit back, tickets, I don't know what happened to him, but he was F-bombing because he was mad that he didn't like it. And I was sitting there even then, just like, please calm down, don't worry, it's not that big of a deal. Let's just go and trying to be okay. But looking back on that situation, I've been dealing with that all these years.

SPEAKER_00 35:11

And I why why did I put myself in this position? Why? And I mean, I know why, I know why, but I'm so mad at myself.

SPEAKER_01 35:25

And there was another church I I called Bethel Church down in Houston. And I wanted to go to counseling there, but their stupid format filling out the form, it kept bringing me back to the front, and then I I was just really, really struggling. When when you're going through depression and sadness and divorce or whatever, and you've got these forms that are like 20 pages long, and then this stupid thing just keeps sending you back to the front. I I go down there and I met with the pastor who was really nice, and he was talking to me, and I thought maybe, maybe I could get help here, maybe I could just fill out the paperwork here. And the lady who's in charge of it said, No, you gotta go back to the computer. And I was just so devastated, like I just didn't have the energy to do it, so I didn't get counseling with them.

SPEAKER_00 36:20

Because it was just too hard.

SPEAKER_01 36:24

Then I called the women's, you know, place here. There's women's counseling through the city or whatever. And I I think, okay, finally I'm gonna get a hold of somebody. It was one thing after another, fill out all this paperwork, talk to this person, go through this, whatever. We're gonna give you a counselor. I thought it was gonna be Fridays at 12 o'clock, and they're telling me it's Saturdays at 12 o'clock luck, which I didn't know about. They kept sending me all these forms saying, hey, your count, your appointment's coming up, your appointment's coming up, your appointment's coming up, but none of them said what to do when that time. So I was expecting a phone call. It's 12 o'clock appointment. Here it is, 1220, 1225. I'm looking, I'm like, what the heck? Finally, the girl calls me and she's like, Well, you've got to get this, this, this, do this, this, and this. And I was just like, I'm overwhelmed, and I had to I do get consultations and I had a consultation at one. I couldn't do that, I couldn't start a conversation. I was so upset. And I just think like the whole mental health, the divorce help, the women's help, the going through these situations. Where do you go? Who do you call? Who do you talk to? The 800 numbers are a joke. I've gone to my church, doesn't have counseling. The Bethel church paperwork was difficult, the women's church was difficult. Like it's like every time I try to just get help, just to have somebody to help me walk through this, or have somebody sit down with Mark and me and talk to us and work through this. There isn't anybody. You know, somebody was saying that no wonder that our our world and our culture is going like this because back in the day, the grandparents, you know, the that the father figure, the the the patriot, you say a patriarch, but there was the the father, the grandfather would be a Christian man and he would say, you know, son, don't treat your wife like this. You we need to get you together, we need to surround you, we need to support you. This is how you do it. They would be the role model, and if something went wrong, they would step in and they would help back in the day. That's how it went. Now, my husband is, you know, his excuse for allowing my four kids is they're adults. They get to do what they want, Carrie. I don't have control over them. There's no, he's not raising the bar, lifting the standards, you know, trying to tell my kids or encourage my kids to be godly, to be forgiving, to have grace, mercy, sympathy, empathy. How could he? He doesn't have that. I called his dad because Mark was lying about stuff. And I I remember crying. It was like a seven-minute conversation, it wasn't much. And I talked to him and I said, Could you just have your son be a Christian man, have him have honor and and and do the right thing? Because it looks like we're gonna get a divorce, and he's not being honest and upright about things. And my father-in-law lied to me, and I was like, You've got to be kidding me. Mark saying he's not a partner at the company, he has been for seven years. It literally says that on the website, it says that on LinkedIn, it says that everywhere, you know. Like, are you kidding me? I've lived with this man, he's been at that company, he owns 25%. I saw the paperwork. I didn't take pictures at the time, but if he didn't sign it, which is what he's saying now, whatever. But either he's been lying for seven years, or most likely, he's lying now because he doesn't want me coming after the company. And maybe they didn't sign the paperwork because he doesn't want me coming after the company. Fine, whatever. When two other guys there have got divorced, I get it. But either way, he's either been lying for seven years or he's lying now. And his fat my father-in-law lied straight. Oh, I don't think Mark's a partner. Bullshit. I've literally stood right next to you while my husband at the, you know, told you that. You thought he was a partner. He everybody thinks he's a partner, and and now you're lying to me. The the men are supposed to be. My dad wasn't a good dad. So I ended up getting with a bad father-in-law and a bad husband. I mean, they the integrity isn't there, the honesty isn't there, the support for women isn't there. And and I'm like, is it any wonder? Is it any wonder? I found out later on that day. I said, I can't believe it. Your own dad. And he goes, Oh, I called him before you called him. So he gave him a heads up and told him to say that, basically. And of course, after 30 years and six kids and grandchildren and everything, my father-in-law will totally take his kid's side. He won't believe anything I say. I'll be I'll be villainized because that's what happens in a divorce. You know, you take whoever's side is your kid, and that's it, because it it would be unfathomable to for him to think and know all the stuff that I know, even though I'm the one who's been in the marriage, you know, and I get there's two sides. I I get that I haven't been perfect, I get that I've been defensive back after he's always defensive when I ask even questions. Like, I can't even ask him a question without him getting defensive. Like it's just it's crazy. And then that would cause me to be, you know, like, why are you attacking me? And then we would just get into a fight. We would we'd argue after five minutes. Five minutes. I mean, that's it's so there's there's it's just gotten so bad. It's gotten so so bad. And the thing is, you know, that night he he'll yell and scream and he'll be and he'll be like, you don't want to be with me. And I'm like, why would anybody want to be with you when you scream at them like that? When you're yelling at them, when you constantly tell them everything they do is wrong. You know, I nothing I'm I do is right. He's like, if you would just listen to me, if you would just do what I say, if you would listen, if you would do, you, you, you, and it's just like I I listen to that, and I'm just like, why did I put myself in this situation?

SPEAKER_02 42:48

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

SPEAKER_00 42:54

At the end of the day, I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do. I feel so lonely, so abandoned, so mistreated, so dismissed. And every day I'm waking up and I'm crying, and every night I'm going to sleep crying, and I'm just I try to have some good days. I try to read, I'm reading this book, and I'm just like, I want to talk to this guy because it's it's W.

SPEAKER_01 43:27

Lee Warren MD. Hope is the first dose. You know what? I've been reading it and I'm still struggling. I'm supposed to have hope. He says, somewhere in there just recently, it's like towards the end, I'm getting close to the end, and he says something that being negative or being positive both take the same amount of energy. Having hope or uh not having hope take the same amount of energy. And I'm like, okay, then why is my brain not? Want to hope in this marriage anymore because I'm being treated like this and I I keep seeing it. There must have been something that clicked that made me realize after 30 years there is no hope. This he's not gonna get better. I can just keep justifying his behavior and making excuses for him and just keep putting up with it. My point is I think that I the reason I don't want to have hope is because every time I do have hope, I'm getting disappointed. There was a job, and I thought I might get this job, and I thought it might work out. And I started getting hopeful, but then now I'm thinking, no, it's not gonna work out. And so then I get sad about that. I go on to my shows and think, okay, I'm gonna make X amount of money, I'm gonna have this many people in here, I'm everything's gonna work out, I'm gonna try, and then I get disappointed by that. And then, you know, Mark going to California with the boys. I was so hopeful that he would come back and say, you know, I sat the whole family down and I told them that you love them and that this isn't how family's supposed to be, and this is never what we wanted, and we came up with a step program, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We talked. What was I thinking? Of course he didn't do that. He's not gonna. I was always the one who planned things and organized things. He wouldn't do that. You know, when I say let's get a counselor, what that means to him is he sends me a list and I've got to call and make the plans and take care of everything. He's not going to do, he's not going to be the person that I want him to be. And that's the thing. I think I just I thought that there was the potential for things to get better. I thought that he would be better. But this morning, him not even wanting to talk to me, and just putting on his little boots and clack, clack, clack down the hallway, just ignoring me and getting in his big old truck and driving away. That's who he is. He threatens me. He says, You're not gonna win the key, you're not gonna win in court, you're not gonna get anything, you're not, you know. He's he threatens. And then when I say you're threatening me, he says, I'm not threatening you, I'm just telling you the facts. I was so close on that piece of paper, but he wants to put Hudson in public school, and I don't want not public, a private school, but I really don't think that's the best thing for a kid when he's literally been homeschooled his whole life. And I think he could go to homeschooling classes right down the road, keep his part-time job, everything would work out fine. You know, I've had so many friends who have gotten divorced over the years, and I've seen how different husbands have done different things, and you could obviously see who the a-holes are and and who the good better guys are. I mean, it's very obvious and apparent. And my friend Jennifer is still in dealing with the the ramifications of her jerk husband, who's very similar, honestly, to Mark. After two and a half years, they're still back and forth with you know, selling this property or dealing with this guy, and this happened, and that happened, and she's constantly in a state of stress and frustration and sadness and disappointment because she's still dealing with it after two and a half years. And then I have my other friend, Heidi, and her husband literally left her with everything cars, house, kids, money, everything. He just said, That's fine, you have everything. And it was nice house, nice cars, I mean, like everything. And she was totally taken care of, and so it was easy for her to stay there, get a job, get remarried, move on with her life. So you could see how how they treat their uh this person. But I've been with this man for 32 years, and he's so dismissive of me. He just didn't I mean he just walked out. Like he he can't even give me five minutes, he can't even pick up the phone. You wonder where my kids get it from. Maybe they just saw that. This is how dad treats mom. Hell, let's get on the bandwagon. We'll we'll treat her that way too. I I don't know. I I can't I can't wrap my mind around all of this. When I had CPTSD instead of my family rallying around me and going, gosh, mom's in a really, really bad place. We need to read books on this, or we need to go to counseling, or we need to see that's not her normal behavior. She doesn't just take off for three days during, you know, a whatever. We need something's wrong. But instead of anybody caring about me, they only cared about them. Hannah confronted me in the kitchen and said, You ruined Christmas. I didn't ruin Christmas. I was having a nervous breakdown. But did anybody notice me? No. I'm just the mom. You know, everybody just thinks about themselves. Nobody's thinking about me. I don't know if I'm gonna get counseling. I don't know if I'm gonna get a lawyer, I don't know if I'm gonna get a divorce. I don't know if Mark's going to to be continue to be this way, if he's ever gonna talk to me, if he's ever gonna do any. I don't know. And you're just like constantly living in this uncertainty. And there's there's there isn't anybody. I I don't have any of my grandparents left. My dad's not available. Mark's dad's obviously gonna say whatever his son says, he's not gonna care about me. I've got like three friends right now that are like, we support you. One of them is one of my best friends that I've had for like I was pregnant with Hannah, and I met her at Sunday school, and she's like, she's a Christian. When I told her that Mark and I, she was like, I think it's the best thing for years and years. She's heard me be sad about this circumstance or upset about that circumstance, or disappointed about that because he wasn't there, he didn't support me, was he didn't listen to me, he didn't help me. And she's like, it's it's gonna be hard, but it's gonna be the best thing for you. I even I called my mom and asked her if if she thought my aunt could give me some money. You know, I don't know if my mom's lying to me just because she doesn't want me to get divorced, she would like me to continue to suffer and deal with this, I guess. I don't know. She said, no, your aunt, you know, she just had knee surgery, she's got an upcoming wedding to plan. They don't have the money. And I'm just like, where am I where am I gonna get the money? How am I gonna deal with this?

SPEAKER_00 51:19

I just I'm trying to breathe, I'm trying to be okay, I'm trying, but I'm like looking at my day and I'm like, I've gotta clean, I've gotta organize.

SPEAKER_01 51:31

And yesterday, homeschooling, halfway between it, that lawyer called. She called and she said, Don't try to talk to him, don't try to confront him, don't ask him questions, don't don't engage with him. I, you know, I haven't paid her. She's a friend of mine. And she's like, you cannot engage with him. Because when you do, it just ends up in arguments, you're not getting anywhere. And she said, You need to take a day off. That's what the other thing. She's like, you need to just pull back and take a day off. It's hilarious that you know, lawyers they know the law, but they're not counselors, and they're sure as hell not gonna want to be, right? So they tell you you're emotional, you're frazzled, you're upset. Well, of course I am. Look at what I'm dealing with, it makes sense, but then you can't talk to the lawyers about that. So it's like you've got to really compare compartmentalize everything. And I I don't know how to do any of it. I I don't know, I don't know how to go forward. I mean, there's a lot of times I just wish God would allow me to have a car wreck and just be done because I don't I don't want to have this pain throughout the day.

SPEAKER_00 52:58

And I want to be I want to be thinking positive thoughts. I really do. I'm reading the books, I'm looking at the scriptures, I've been reading Lamentations.

SPEAKER_01 53:12

I've read Job. I've I'm I'm reaching out, I'm listening to the scriptures, I'm doing the Bible verses, I'm still here though.

SPEAKER_00 53:21

It's just like nothing I'm doing is working. I've tried to reach out to the kids.

SPEAKER_01 53:27

Obviously, they don't even care if I send a text or oh the sentences were the wrong, or you should have, you should have waited 48 hours. I mean, like, I don't know. There's like nothing perfect that I can ever do. There is not enough hoops or enough bleeding that I could do to satisfy everybody's wants for me right now. Mark's not even talking to I mean, like, I don't, I didn't talk to Mark because we kept arguing. I was like, this is ridiculous. And that's what everybody, the lawyers don't want me to talk to him. But how are you supposed to live in a house where you're not talking to the person? Our son's graduation's coming up. We're supposed to get pictures together, we're supposed to be celebrating it. It's supposed to be fun. This isn't what I wanted for him.

SPEAKER_00 54:18

I didn't want this for my last two kids. I thought if I could just make it, if I could just make it another two years. Then once they were gone, then we'd get the divorce. But now he wants to sell the house, they're gonna lose the rooms, they're gonna all the judges and the all of it. It's just I don't even I didn't want this for my kids, and I was willing to sacrifice myself for my kids. But that night just I don't know how I can keep doing this and just being mistreated and stepped on.

SPEAKER_01 55:06

My kid said to me, Hudson said uh the other day, after two and a half hours of crying, just calling out to God and crying. I've just been crying so much, I absolutely hate it. He goes, I don't even know how you actually cry as how how a human being can cry as much as you have. And I said, Well, your eyes start stinging. It hurts, your your eyes start stinging. It's emotionally draining, it's a lot. I don't know if I'm gonna publish this or add it to the others or what I'm gonna do. But I definitely think that there needs to be some communication. I think there needs to be some love and understanding. I think that our mental health system needs to get better where you can like reach out, you know, call somebody that can help you instead of it being 20 pages here and five pages here and the mess up with the computer here, and this lady has to call you here, and it's just overwhelming. It just hasn't worked out. And I was hoping the Bethel church would work out, I was hoping the women's thing would work out. I was hoping somebody at our church would call us. I'm not even gonna go back there. There's no counseling, they know about the divorce. The youth pastor made me feel even worse than I did. He was like, Oh, I guess you think you know better than God. Well, I don't think God wanted me to marry Mark. I think I had free will and I married the wrong guy. I I don't, I mean, I I don't know. Maybe I did marry the right guy because God put him in my path and he knew I would make that choice. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how to wrap my head around that. Do I think these children were supposed to be born? Yes. Absolutely. Do I think I was supposed to suffer and that this was supposed to be my marriage for the last 30 years? No. Do you do I think that God is happy with how my husband's treating me or or maybe even how I'm treating him? No. But God's not talking to me right now either. I'm I'm trying, I'm praying, I'm listening, I'm I'm wanting direction, I'm wanting miracles, I'm wanting hope. But I don't think that what this doctor says in here, and I've got to finish reading the book, is true that the same amount of energy for hope is the same as disappointment. Because it's like climbing up a glass mountain. That's what hope feels like to me. You just keep sliding back down, you just keep sliding back down. But if you give up hope and you just stop caring and you whatever, you're not climbing up the glass mountain. You're already there. That doesn't seem like as much work. Because right now, hoping and trying to climb up that glass mountain just to be devastated by people and human beings and the mistreatment and the sadness and all that over and over again, it hurts. It's like you get up in life and you just get punched. Why keep getting back up?

SPEAKER_00 58:23

I mean, there's this point that just comes and it's just like, why keep getting up? I don't know why. I've just kept getting up. Why keep getting up? And I've done it for everybody because I my kids needed me. He needed me. Everybody needed me. I've I've got purpose. I've got you know, I've gotta do this, I've gotta take care of this, let me take care of that. But I totally didn't take care of myself. And I know that. I know, but I didn't even know how to do that. I still don't think I know how to do that. Friends are like, you need to take a day off. What does that even look like?

SPEAKER_01 59:07

I joked with my friend I might go to IHOP and then go to Galveston, and that was on Saturday, but I didn't, I didn't even take a shower.

SPEAKER_00 59:16

I just stayed in my pajamas and worked around the house and did things. I just don't think I have it in me anymore. The lawyer was like, you're gonna have to decide, you know, do you do you wanna fight or do you just want to give in? And I don't I don't think I want to fight anymore. I just think he's just life has just beat me up too much.

SPEAKER_01 59:44

I say this now, but you know, three hours from now I might be all mad and be like, oh yeah, I want to fight. I don't know. I don't have any answers. I wonder if there's anybody out there like me who has answers, or anybody out there like me who's going through this. You know, when you have cancer, they have all these counseling groups you can get in, and you there's this thing at the YMCA that they let you work out together with other people who are going through cancer. And I mean, there's all these programs, but when you're going through this to mental issues, it's not the same. You know, whether you have a heart condition or anything physical, there's a there's a group for it, right? Like if you have alcoholism, there's a group for it, and and you can go to AA. Anybody who's an alcoholic. If I was an alcoholic, I could just go to AA, you know. But you have a mental health issue, you're sad, you're depressed, you're frustrated, you're estranged, you're divorced, what anything like this, where do you go? Who do you talk to? I can't just like oh, Monday nights, they're so-and-so where do you go? You got a financial issue, you gotta come up with $7,500, you don't have it, where do you go? I mean, what am I supposed to do? I don't know. I'm just it's been an hour of me just rambling and talking, and on one hand I'm like, maybe it's good because I can process this, like journaling, because I don't even want to journal anymore.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:32

I don't have any answers.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:33

I don't have any solutions. As as much as I try, and I try to figure it out. No amount of reading or praying or this quote or this comment or any of it. My my friend said, You need to go to the foot of Jesus the go to the foot of the cross. That's she's like, you just need to keep going. I'm like, what do you think I've been doing? You just need to lay your problems down. Just lay your problems down. Okay, well, I've done that. What do you think I've been doing? I'm laying it down. I'm begging, I'm pleading, I'm I'm trying, I'm crying out. I'm not getting any answers. I feel forsaken and alone and abandoned. God's not giving me direction. There's no savior coming to save me. I mean, yeah, I'm saved for eternity. Great. I get when I die, I get to go to heaven, great, but where is he now? How is he helping me now? Why am I having to go through this now? And everybody will be like, oh, but through your suffering, you know, there's there's purpose and the pain, and and and once you go through this, you're gonna be able to help others go through it, and you're gonna learn so much, and it there's a reason for it. And that everybody's like, it there's a purpose for the this. I don't think that there's a purpose for this. I I don't I can't see it. Maybe in two years, three years, maybe I'll be dead by then. I one can only hope. I know I'm supposed to be hoping for life, but I'm really not. Last time I talked to the doctors, they they they were thinking that my breast cancer was somewhere and they ruled out skin cancer and liver cancer and something else, I can't remember. And they were thinking it was maybe bone or brain, and they wanted me to do the scans, but the scans were too much, so I was like, no, you know what? We'll just wait another six months, we'll do the blood work, and we'll go from there. And I need to call them, add it to the list. Oh, plus I have leaking veins, so I have to have those uh, you know, procedures. It's just not it's not just physical stuff. I'm still dealing with the I mean, emotional and mental and divorce, I've still got physical. There's not an area of my life that I'm not worried about. Not not one. There, you know how you have the wheat life wheel, and and you know, this is good here, and this is good here. None of my areas are good. That like the whole plate is fallen down. I just keep going back, going, Am I actually gonna publish this? And then I'm like, what the hell, why not? You know, maybe somebody could respond to me. Maybe somebody could reach out and say, Oh, there's this program, or oh, we know how you can get help, or oh, here's a lawyer. I there's there's one part of me that's like I could hope that somebody would hear this and reach out, and then there's another part that's like, oh, well, they could also think you're crazy and whatever, but at this point, who cares? I mean, I really, I I really don't I don't care.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:57

I don't know, and then I think I don't know what to do.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:06

I think I should ask you guys for prayer. But there's a part of me that doesn't even know if I believe in it anymore.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:15

Because God truly is not listening to my prayers. And the fact that this just happened this morning, and I just think of how it feels to be so dismissed by so many people and have him just click, click, click, click, click and get in his car and not even answer the phone. The level of evil and just unkindness that that is.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:46

It just if we're in spiritual warfare and there's angels and there's demons, they must be sleeping right next to us. I mean, Mark's sleeping upstairs, he's not even sleeping down with me. anymore and it's I don't even know how long it's been like six weeks or something like that maybe maybe eight okay I'm just gonna stop this I'll probably end up just I just gotta get my stuff together it's hard because part of me just wants to like be like a little hedgehog and just get in bed and just take some pills and go back to sleep sleep not kill myself guys because when you're asleep you're not feeling the pain and then the other part is what I have kids I have to get up I have to take a shower I have to clean up I we you know I've gotta get my shop ready I've gotta feed the dogs I've gotta go feed the koi I've gotta I've gotta go take care of life responsibilities I can't just care about me and just sit here and wallow all day I'm just trying to get my head right you know what happened this morning is more about Mark and who he is and me seeing that and recognizing that and knowing that I've known for a really really really long time that he was not a compassionate empathetic sweet understanding person. I've known that I knew that when when I was dating him and we went through a drive through and he grabbed the food and didn't even say thank you and I was just like what you didn't even say thank you he's like you know it never even occurred to me to say thank you and so now I think he probably does like that was one of the little changes that I had you know in who he is he was like nicer to the drive-thru guy but he can't even be nice to his wife and respond to her text messages or her cries for help or anything so I knew you know they say when you're going through the divorce you're gonna see the the very worst of them and he is he's lied about being a partner the other day he's talking about selling the house and he's lying about the leak in the pool he's like there I I don't have any notification of that but for years and years he's been telling me there's a leak in the pool and we need to get it fixed. In fact not last Saturday the Saturday before there was literally a man at our house my kids saw him I was out but they there was a guy talking about ripping up the concrete but yet my husband is looking at me in the face and lying straight to my face and we're not talking little lies we're talking like huge lies these are huge lies and I'm like I mean I'm even shocked I told him that the other day I was like I am shocked at the level of of deceit and lying you're doing and I've seen a lot of really bad stuff from this guy but boy you get in a divorce and they're just gonna take it to a whole nother level and it's just like it's evil it's evil for somebody to I mean like I I there is no other way to say it he he's making conscious choices conscious decisions I need to I need to write this down I need to write down he doesn't care about you. Check he doesn't I need to write these things down and remind myself this is the truth this is the reality you're hoping that he's gonna change you're hoping that he's gonna care you're hoping that he's going to listen and be empathetic someday never gonna happen it's been 32 years with the same guy Carrie never gonna happen I mean I'm just trying to get myself in my in my place today and just realize you cannot change people. I cannot make my four kids better I cannot make them pick up a phone and be capable of having a conversation I can't like I can't force anybody to change I can't make my husband a better husband I can't make him be man up which I've said throughout our marriage and I know that's not very nice. I have said that a few times I know I have I haven't said it lately but that's what I'm thinking he he's not gonna man up here. He's not gonna man up to pull his family together he's not gonna man up to get counseling he's not gonna man up to have conversations he is going to be avoidant because that's what he does. And why would I think he's gonna be different I I need to just I think that's really what I need to do is have something that I write down so that I don't get hopeful anymore because I feel like I'm at the bottom of that that glass mountain you know scraping up the edges trying to get something and it's never going to happen and I think I that at the end of the day I just have to realize I I know I know I know that this is the best thing for me moving forward because there is no changing him or the kids or anybody listening to me or not none of it there's no I can't I can't make people be better. I can't I can wish it I can hope it I can pray it I can dream it I can think it but I can't make them be better human beings. All I can do is work on myself and me trying to be a better human being that's it and how can I be a better human being? Well I could start with treating myself better and treating myself better would mean not being with people who are so mean and rude and dismissive and incapable of having discussions and conversations and treating me with respect you know like I need to be with people who find value in my human existence and if my daughter doesn't even see me as a human being enough to pick up a phone and tell me I had a grandbaby as my friend said shame on her you know I just I feel sorry for them they're missing a great mom they're missing a great grandma they really are just because I've done things that are wrong or said things that were wrong or texted things that were wrong doesn't mean all of me should be thrown away I still have a lot of good in me I'm a nice person I'm a helpful person I'm a caring person I'm an empathetic person but if they don't want to give me the time of day I can't I can't make them I'm gonna have to go on my life and just do the best I can and I can't make them you can't make them you just gotta let them okay now now the people are moving and I know I gotta get up so I don't know if I'll publish this or not I'm back and forth I still don't know if I'm gonna publish the other ones or not maybe I do it I can always I can always delete them if I change my mind but it is a big throw out but I guess there's maybe like a tiny little bit of hope that there's somebody out there that's hearing this that you could message me and say hey here's an organization you can call or here's a lawyer you could call or here's something I went through and here's what helped me or here's a scripture that I think you would like or something. I guess I'm just hoping and begging and pleading that if anybody's gotten this far in this episode random strangers in the world if you're hearing this if you could please you know message me there's a little point underneath in the messages where you can click and and leave a note so I guess that's it. I hope you guys do okay hope I do okay I have a headache now with all this crying it's just lovely what just what I need is a headache and my stomach hurts. So anyways I hope you guys have a good day hopefully I will too all right bye bye