March 25th Recording - Part 1 - Episode 16

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

You know, I haven't uh I haven't posted on here and I've been crying so much and I didn't know if I wanted to keep this podcast up or not. But I'm just struggling with so much and I'm trying to understand why God allows us to suffer so much, and I know, I know what everybody says. You know, the reason that you suffer is so that you can be there for somebody else when they suffer, right? So that it it helps you. Like and I get that. And I should want to be a person that people can come to when they're going through a difficult time, and we all should gain wisdom and knowledge and understanding from our circumstances so that we can be better people and we can better maneuver in this world and help out others. I get that. But I just when you're going through it, it just sucks. You just want there to be purpose in the pain, but you just don't even know how to breathe sometimes. And I just I just have suffered and sucked it up for so damn long, and I I didn't I didn't want this situation, I didn't want this life, I didn't want the scenario and stuff that's going on right now. I've been up since 1.30 in the morning. My head hurts. I'm supposed to have a stinkin', I'm supposed to be working at 8.30. I'm having to cancel that. Mark and I are arguing about a divorce. And I knew one of the reasons I never wanted to divorce him was because I knew how he would be. I knew that it would not be this sweet, amicable, kind thing that there would be name-calling and bringing up the past and saying things that are hurtful and mean, not just his side, my side, because you know. But not last Friday, not, you know, five days ago, but twelve days ago. I met him for dinner and at a nice restaurant in Houston. And long story short, he was drunk before I even got there, and he was embarrassing me in front of other patrons and the waitress, and I was just like, I can't believe this, but I'm gonna try to make the best out of it, just like I do in these scenarios for all these years. And I just thought, okay, you know, I'll do do my best. So when he said things like, We need to get the check, I was like, Mark, I just sat down, and and the waitress was looking at me, and I'm like, Mark, I just got here, you know, and he was just saying things. He was loud, he was irate, and he had had, I don't know how many bourbons. At first, he said it was one, then he said it was a double, then he said he was friends with the bartender, and then he drank my red wine before I, you know, got there, and then half of it, and then the rest of it, and it just the whole anyways, there's a point to this. I get I just kept thinking and wanting to make the scenario and situation better. And I'm thinking, how many people like me do this? You you know you're in a terrible situation, it's just not a good situation. I could have just easily sat down, realized he was behaving that way, and and just got up from the table and left. But I I wanted to help him. I wanted to help him, and I wanted to help the situation. That's I just kept thinking, how can I make it better? How can I make it better? So we decided not to eat dessert there, and I was like, I really don't want anything. He had ordered food for me, and I ate some of it after he had eaten some of it, and anyways, we said uh we I walked outside and I said, Let's just walk around a little bit, let's just walk around. And I was trying to just like sober him up a little bit. I knew I know now that was never gonna happen, but we decided to go to this bar down the road of the Red Lion. So we go I get I say, okay, you go get your truck, I'll get my car, and we'll go down there. And he couldn't find his truck. He couldn't find his truck. I had been there for a while, and I was like, Where is he? And so I finally called him and he said I couldn't find my truck. And I'm just like, you guys, he's capable of fighting, you know. I I knew it was bad, but I didn't think it was so bad that he couldn't find his truck. And then of course he made an excuse or justified, oh, you know, it's a big parking lot or whatever he said to justify it, which, you know, fine. Uh and so I was like, okay. So then he finally gets to the restaurant. I've been sitting for a bit, and the waitress, you know, calls him over and sits down, and he's he's embarrassing me again. He's talking really loud, he's he's saying things and he's acting weird and you know, whatever. And I just we tried to have conversation, we tried to make things work, and the people to the right were looking at me, the people to behind him were looking at me, and there was just these looks of and I just I hate saying this, but it was like looks of pity. Like you poor woman. What you're having to deal with right now. And I I knew it, I knew it. I was the one sitting across from him. I knew it. I knew I knew that it was not a good scenario and situation. I kept saying, Mark, if you don't want to stay, then tell me I won't even order a beer, but I want you to drink water. And I was trying to get him to just drink a water. That was it. I wanted to sober him up, and I was thinking about his best interest. I was I was trying to sober my husband up. I was doing the best I could at that circumstance in that situation. That's what I always try to do is my best. I didn't know what else to do. And I was saying I told the waitress before he got there, just don't give him a drink yet, because he's already, you know, when I said that, I was like, don't give him a drink, just give him water. And so he's mad at me because he can't have his beer and keep on drinking and being loud and you know, all this. And I was just like, Mark, if we need to leave, that's fine. And I was talking real calm and I was really, really keeping check on my tone and my words and really thinking hard about everything I said because I didn't want him to get riled up or anything. And I said, if you want to leave, I can not, we cannot order the dessert, whatever, because I thought it's best for us both to leave at the same time instead of me being stuck there or him, you know, being belligerent or whatever. And then all of a sudden, at some point in the conversation, he said two, well, two things that really ring out. He said, We couldn't talk about politics because I don't I'm not a fan of Trump's war, the war, it's not his war, but you know what I'm saying. I'm not a fan of the fact that we're in a war and he's like, go Trump. And so we couldn't talk about politics, and then we can't talk about our kids. And then he said something, we know that, so we could be, you know, and then I said, How was your day? You know, and it tried to make small chat, you know, small talk here and there. But at some point it was just quiet because I was on pins and needles waiting, you know, how is he gonna act? What's gonna what's he gonna say? This is all within like, I mean, 10 minutes. I mean, it was not a long time. And he said, We're gonna end up being one of those old people who sit across the table and don't talk to each other. And I thought, yeah, yeah, that's exactly what's gonna end up happening if I stay with you. Because what do we have to talk about? And it just breaks my heart. It really does, because I I feel like I have given and given and tried and tried. It's it was ne it was it was not gonna work. It was just not gonna I just like I look it back at all of it and I just think he was never gonna be who I wanted him to be. I thought we were gonna grow up together and we were gonna change together, and we're gonna be this awesome family together, and over the last three years things have just gone downhill. We don't talk to four of our kids anymore, and that's hurt both of us, and we don't know how to deal with it. We don't see our grandchildren anymore. We have no idea how to deal or maneuver or handle it. It's just not it's not in the lesson plan anywhere. There's no book on how to handle the most devastating part of your life. There's just nothing that can prepare you. And we've just been trying and trying, and we just I wish I could say that I liked him and I can't even say that anymore. I don't even like I sat at that restaurant and he said that, and I was just like, yeah, I don't like how he's acting. I don't like how people are looking at me. The waitress kept looking at me when she would, you know, come by, and I was just like, I know. Somebody's alarm's going off or something. I don't know what that is. Oh my god. What is that? Oh it's paid in the law, and we had to come downstairs and get it. Anyways, okay, so I'm finishing this up because these are obviously raw and it's just my emotion, and I don't know what I'm gonna do with all this. And I keep thinking I'm gonna try to find purpose in the pain and figure it out. But, anyways, here's what happened. He ended up getting up and walking out on me. I don't know what the words were that were said or what, but I was just like, really, like he just was really quick. It was sudden. I I think he just got upset that I wanted him not to drink a beer, I wanted him to drink water. And he got he was mad and like belligerent and angry about it. I mean, honestly, the whole thing might have been like seven to ten minutes max. I I really and then he just up and left. And I didn't know where he was, and I wasn't gonna just jump up and chase after him. I was just like, I had to pay the bill, and everybody was looking at me, and I didn't want to deal with him yelling at me in the draw in the front of the place, like up in the parking lot. I did, you know, you just how do you how do you deal with that? How how do you you know when somebody's unreasonable, you can't reason with them, you know? He's drunk, he's not paying attention, he's not thinking clearly. And then so he's gone, and I eat, and I I talk to the waitress, and I, you know, she's been dating a guy for three years, and you know, since she was 17, and she's hoping that he's gonna be better, you know, he's on parole and this and that. And I'm just like, oh, just really, really, really think about who you marry, and you know, you need to just anyways, I just was thinking that and talking to her for a little bit, and I ate my half of my food, drank a little bit more of my beer, and then I ended up leaving, and I called my friend Sherry on the way home. And and after I called him, and he didn't answer the phone. He wouldn't answer the phone. And so I called my friend Sherry. I'm like, he's drunk, he's driving around Houston, who knows where he's going. I don't know if he's going to another bar, I don't know if he's going out with his friends, I don't know what he's doing. And he just left me there. He just left me there. Finally, at around 10:30, 11 o'clock, he comes home and he passes out on the couch and he snores throughout the night, really loud snores, drunk snores. And so then the next day at around 9:30, 10 o'clock, I'm like, we're gonna talk about last night. And he just kind of he had a hangover, of course, and he kind of just dismissed it like, what's the big deal? Well, you know, whatever. You know, he wasn't apologetic, he wasn't forlorn, he wasn't sorry, he wasn't just kind of this blase, I can do whatever I want, and what's the big deal? I I went out and drank, kind of attitude. And I just like really, you know, there was no accountability, there was no, I'm sorry, honey. I am sorry. And when I said, you just up and left me, he goes, That's because I beat you to the punch. And I was like, but I wasn't ever gonna leave. And he goes, Well, I thought you were, and I never even picked up my purse, it never even occurred to me I wasn't going to leave. That wasn't my plan. I ordered a beer, I had my my bread pudding coming. Why would I leave? I I was already embarrassed, I was trying to sober him up. Why I wasn't gonna leave. And here I am in this situation, and I'm home, you know, the next day, and he's not he's not sorry. He he's not. I think it finally, after the conversation, he eventually said, yo, I'm sorry. You know, it was it was a half-ass. I don't really give a shit just to shut you up, sorry. I really think that all these years of dealing with these type of things. I just I can't keep doing it. I wanted to make it through to Hudson at least graduated high school. That's another two more years. So we've got a 19 and a 16-year-old here. And I just upset God. Help me, help me, help me, help me. But I just keep keep getting put in these scenarios and these situations where I am discounted and uncared for, unloved and treated this way, and then you know and just the there's so many other layers to this dynamic that I'm not gonna talk about, but it's hard to want to be close to somebody when you don't feel loved and cared for. And when you're disappointed in them and the situation and the circumstances, and I think he blames me for having CPTSD three years ago, and whatever the kids have said to him for whatever reasons, they're estranged from me. And I was hopeful. I prayed, and I was hopeful for three years. My heart is so broken, and you've already got somebody with a broken heart, and that heart just cannot take this kind of I just can't keep doing it, and I tried, I tried to be strong and continue doing this for at least another two years, but he's just so flippant and just I think we're just to a level where there's so much bitterness and resentment and anger and hostility or disappointment, or he calls it, he says it's all depression. It's obviously not just depression, but whatever. I get that we all as humans have our issues and our reasons for doing things. I don't know why he was drinking so much. I don't know why he wanted to go to that restaurant so bad. But I mean, it was 3:31 when I was texting him. I still have the text somewhere, and I thought he's been drinking at work this early because he was like so insistent on us going to this restaurant. He was so insistent and just the way he was texting me and stuff, and let's do this and let's do that. And I was just like, we had just gone out the night before, so I didn't understand any of it. I don't know what happened at work. I don't I don't know. I'm sure he has his reasons for doing what he did. I had my reasons for trying to get him sober and have him drink water.

SPEAKER_00 17:24

I guess my my biggest question right here is how much can a human heart take?

SPEAKER_01 17:31

Because now this morning I asked him, I said, could you just talk to me? I called him actually while he was on the toilet and the dogs were outside pottying and I had to take them because I've been up since 1:30. It's now seven o'clock. I just said, could you just please talk to me? And then he was like, No, he didn't want to talk to me. And so then finally, after he gets out of his shower and does everything, I call him in the car and I try to say, Hey, can we just please talk about this? And it's like he's got a plan, he's I want to do this, and I want to do this, and I want to do this, and I'm like, what about any kind of sacrifice on your part? I mean, that's what I'm thinking in my mind. Are you willing to sacrifice anything? Or is it just always about you? He wants, you know, that this to happen and that to happen, and he's gonna get this and he's gonna do that. And I'm just like, is there any point at all where you're willing to sacrifice or give up anything for somebody else? And then he starts bringing in the kids, saying the kids want this, and the kids want that, and I'm like, when did they say that? And he's like, Well, this has been going on, and you know, bringing up the past and just the meanness and the hostility, and and I know I'm not the only person going through this, and I've I've talked to people, and just even on social media, saying, you know, talking to different people that I know that are friends, and they're like, Yeah, I've gone through divorce, it sucked, it was horrible, it was terrible, but it was the best thing I ever did, you know. Like I needed to be out of that relationship. And so I think that. I think, okay, other people can do this, they can get through it, I can get through this, but it's just so hard. I just, I just I just feel like I just I just want Jesus to go back. I just don't even want to have to go through this. I just feel like I've gone through so much in life already, and I'm just tired. And I just want him to work with me. I made two voicemails and I sent them to him after he hung up on me. I said he wasn't an honorable man of integrity. And I I I mean I hate to say it, but that's true. I don't believe that he's an honorable man of integrity. And that's one of the reasons we're getting divorced. Because he's lying to me, saying he's not a partner of his company when we verbally know he is. He's like, it's not on paper, it's not on paper. I misrepresented myself for the last seven years. I'm like, okay, well, either you're lying now or you lied then. Either way, you're not an honorable, reputable, honest man with integrity. And I I don't like that. I don't want my boys to have that. It's not what I want. But that's what I got. I even called his dad to say, hey, tell him not to be not to lie, tell him to be an upright man, tell him he's supposed to be a Christian and do the right Christian thing. Found out later that he called his dad to tell his dad to warn him, and so his dad jumped right on the bandwagon, and his dad lied too and said, Oh, yeah, I don't think Mark's a he's not a partner. Everybody lied. And I just thought his whole side of the family has lied. I mean, a whole we don't even talk to his mom's sister anymore because they lied, and oh, it's just the whole when death and divorce happens, people you see the really worst of people. But I've lived with him for 30 years, so I knew what he was capable of. I knew that he could do these things. I just I didn't want it to be true. I kept hoping, oh, maybe because we're going to church, or maybe because of Bible study, or maybe he's grown up and matured. Just no amount of hoping, no amount of praying, no amount of wishing is ever gonna change. He would have to change himself. There would have to be a come to Jesus moment where he realizes what he's doing is wrong. And I don't I even prayed on the phone call. I said, God, I pray that we can talk and get this through and figure this out and that we'll do what's best for the kids. Because I just feel like I've always had the kids' best interest at heart. Always. And I feel like he's not. I don't, I, I don't know what he's thinking. I don't even know what he's thinking. He wants to take Hudson, who has been homeschooled his entire life, his entire life, and put him in a public school or private school in his junior year. I already regret putting my other kids in public or private school. And that's not to say it's that it's wrong for other people. I'm not making judgment calls. I'm saying for our family, for our kids, I regret it deeply. My daughter met friends and did things and changed into a different person. My son, same thing. I wish I had been able to keep them here at the house. It was just too much for me to have all these different age ranges. And really, I was always doing everything by myself at this point because my school had closed down and I was trying to keep up with two kids with dyslexia and two older kids. And and I I just could I couldn't do it. I did the best I could and I couldn't do anymore. I wish I could have. I wish I wished to God that I could have done better and that I would have not put him in that charter school. And then H B H B Houston Christian, which is Houston Christian High School, we put him there. We spent all kinds of money, and I don't even know if that was good for him, but I wish we had kept them all here. I wish Mark had helped me with homeschooling more. But you can't go back and you can't change things, but you can learn from your mistakes. And I think it I is one of my biggest regrets is that I took these kids who were homeschooled and put them into public school when they were teenagers of all times. It's like the worst. You could talk to any counselor, anybody in the homeschool realm and know that they say that's terrible for those kids because it's just too much of a culture shock. They're having to maneuver too many things, the curriculum changes, there's so many reasons. And I just I know that's not in my best interest for my son. And then my my husband says, Oh, you say he shouldn't be able to make a choice because his prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed. Yes, I actually have said that, but I didn't say he couldn't make choices. I said, you know, we he needs guidance and counsel and wise advice. And I don't think this is wise advice. You just need jerking reaction because we're getting a divorce. You know, oh, he's not getting good enough school.