Mental Health Update - Episode 18

At the end of the day, I’m working 
 not controlling anybody but myself or even wishing or 
 dreaming for anybody else
 to change or be better or kinder or anything at the end of the day if people 
want to be horrible
 and mistreat me that’s their choice
but how I react/respond to it is my choice and I am so happy I’m getting a divorce so I don’t have to be mistreated anymore

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey there, y'all. I did the last three podcasts with some really raw stuff. I actually published something that was old from back in March, I guess. And then I two two episodes that were split, you know, it was it was really one day. And then the episode before that was me just struggling and crying and just being in a horrible, terrible place. And then yesterday I was getting over the day before, which was like one of the worst days ever. I cried for like four hours. I spent how many hours? Well, from 2 15 to 5 o'clock, calling mental health people trying to get help, which it's just always has seemed like a joke whenever I've had these things happen. I don't know why I find myself in the same boat trying to reach out to people. Because as my friend Jennifer and I talked about after this all happened, it's a joke. You can't, you can't get help. I mean, when you're really going through it and you're having like the worst time and you just need somebody to give you perspective and love and try to help you and coach you and get you through it. And you don't want to call your friends and burden them with everything because you've already been going through so much and you've, you know, whatever. You've already had those talks. You're wanting somebody who's a counselor, a professional, somebody who can really help you. They don't. I ended up calling some place called Green Shoes up in Oklahoma. I'm getting ready and putting my makeup on while I'm doing this. I keep these episodes real raw, not non-edited and everything, because that's just where I'm at and that's what I like. So, anyways, I called this place that my friend Heidi had told me about. And I don't we didn't look into it exactly what it was or anything. And honestly, to this point, I just know it wasn't for me at the time. They have a waiting list, they can't get me in until June. And then my friend Heidi told me it was 100% free. And I was like, oh, I'm all about that, but it isn't because while you can go to the it's like an outpatient intensive therapy thing, I guess is the best way to say it. You can go to that, but you have to pay for your place while you're in Oklahoma. So you still have to pay for your food and your lodging and all that. You can sit with the people and talk to them in the place, but you're still gonna have to figure out, you know, getting there and lodging and food. And so that was like, okay, add that to the list. And so I called that place, and there was a really nice lady. I can't, I think her name was Jacqueline, but I could be wrong. And I talked to her at first, they were like, Oh, let me see if we have a counselor. You know, there's never anybody right there when you call these places. It's always let me see if I can find you somebody. And so she went and found, I'm I'm washing the makeup off my hands, guys. She went and found this woman, and I spoke to her for 40 minutes, which was really, really honestly wonderful. She was very nice, she was very supportive and helpful. But somewhere along the conversation, she says those dreaded words that if you've ever called for mental health before, you you don't want to hear. Like, I'm worried about you, I'm concerned about you, you know? And I'm gonna finish the talk about her, and then I can tell you what happened. So she was very nice. She I was very dysregulated, I was totally stressed out. I was crying so bad that I couldn't even catch my breath. And what's even crazier is I was in front of this guy's house because I buy and resell stuff to make money. That's pretty much what my job is right now. And so I uh was I was driving to this guy's house to pick up some stuff, cheese block beholders or something. I don't even know what I bought, antiques. Anyways, poor guy. I'm supposed to meet him at three, and I ended up texting him telling him, hey, I'm here, but I'm on the phone crying in front of your house because I started talking to her at like 215, and it was three o'clock when I picked him up. So I know how long I was on the phone with, you know, and all of that. And what caused all this is I had talked to my friend Sherry, and my friend Sherry and I had these notes that I was gonna call Mark and talk to Mark about here's what I want to have happen, here's what I think. It was great notes. I was very planned, I was centered, I was great, but it doesn't work with us communicating with each other anymore. He hurts my feelings, I hurt his feelings, it's just it escalates, there's arguing, there's yelling, there's fighting. We just it's it's impossible. I mean I'm at the point where I truly believe it's impossible and that it's not gonna happen without somebody's aid and assistance anymore. Like it's just it's just terrible. And uh at one point I hung up on the phone with him because he was just he was yelling, and I he was like accusing me of yelling, which I think is lovely. You know, he's telling me, uh, you do this, and I'm just like, uh anyways, so I called him right back, and you know, sorry I hung up, but this is where I'm at, and this is what I'm trying to do, and we're gonna have to do this, and this is, you know, if you've ever gone through a divorce, if you've ever had a situation where you can't communicate with the person, it is it is horrible, it is absolutely awful because I was so prepared, so ready. I had my notes, I was trying, I was trying to explain, I'm trying to talk, but at this point, he has no respect for me. Like zill, zero zill. I mean, there is no respect for me as a human being anymore. And so he just he ignores what I'm saying, he doesn't listen to me. I mean, if he ever did actually listen and respect me, I don't remember when that was. I it's been a really long time. I mean, a really long time. I I I don't know. Anyways, so that conversation really upset me because I had hope again. Hope, hope, hope. Just keep trying to have hope. And as I probably said in my other things, I'm just trying to have hope. I'm just trying to find, you know, a ray of sunshine and all the gloom. I'm just trying to see some positive in all the darkness. I'm just looking for God to come and give me direction and help and hope. Anyways, so not gonna get it with him. That is a for sure 100%. He is never going to be the emotional sweet guy. And, you know, I heard somebody recently say, you know, I don't feel sorry for anybody because if you feel sorry for them, then you think that there's no chance for them to change. And I my first thought was uh Joni Ericsson Tata, who is she is is, you know, if you guys know who Joni Ericksontada is, she's paraplegic from the neck down. She can't move, she's suffering. And then that guy, Nick, who has no arms and no legs. I'm sorry. I'm not gonna say I don't feel some kind of empathy, sympathy, sorrow, sadness, and sorry for those people. I do. I wish they could walk, I wish things were different. And this woman, I can't remember who it was. She was just like, no, you don't ever feel sorry for yourself. You don't ever feel sorry for them, because that means that there can't be real change. And truly, I feel like my husband will not, cannot, is incapable of ever changing. So I do feel sorry for him. I I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for my kids. I feel sorry for those people who have been injured. I feel, I do feel sorry for people and I feel sorry for myself. And I'm trying to wrap my head around that idea that, you know, now you're supposed to feel guilty for feeling sorry. And I'm just like, is there any feelings that are safe besides happy, happy, joy, joy? Is it okay for me to feel sad and depressed and upset that I'm going through a divorce, that I feel uncared for, I feel unsafe, I feel unlistened to? Is it okay by society's standards for me to have emotions and feelings that aren't happy, happy Facebook worthy? I guess that's where I'm really kind of frustrated because I do have those feelings. And, you know, somebody else said, oh, just ignore those feelings. Just think about something else, you know, just move on. Well, you know what? I did that for years and years and years where I didn't feel my feelings because I pushed my feelings away because I was so worried about my kids, my family, my finances, my house, everything else that I was taking care of, my school, my people, my friends. I didn't take care of me, and that backfired when I had CPTSD. So I don't think that's a good idea to ignore your feelings, push them away unless they're happy, happy, joy, joy. So I'm I'm really struggling with all of that. But, anyways, I regress. I I went and I talked to this woman who I think is Jacqueline and at Green Shoes, and she's super sweet. For 40 minutes, she talked to me. She tried to get me just you know to regulate to the beginning. I couldn't even, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't communicate. So she was like, Okay, where are you? You know, trying to get me to calm down. She was like, and I'm like, I'm in this in front of this guy's house with she's like, she's like, okay, can you describe the houses? And I'm like, they're small, ugly houses. And she's like, what, what? And I'm like, I don't know. They're just ugly. You know, I didn't give her the answer. She's like, okay, well, what do you see in front of you? And I mean, do you see cars? And I'm like, yeah, I see cars. And she's like, okay, can you tell me, do you see any white cars? And I'm like, yes, I see four. How she goes, count them. How many do you see? Four. You see four cars, white cars? Yes. Okay, how many black cars do you see? None. Okay, how many blue cars? She was all these like, this is how they're trying to get you centered and regulated so that you're not so upset, you're not so stressed. And honestly, that probably would have worked, but I was looking for solutions. I was not happy about sitting here telling her about the houses or the cars or anything. And it wasn't until she said, Look, you're very upset and you're very sad and struggling. I can hear that. What can I do to help you? And that, when she said that, that calmed me down because finally somebody gave a shit about me. Finally, somebody was willing to listen to me. Finally, somebody was gonna help me. So I thought, oh, there's a shimmer of hope. There's a gleam of hope. And so I was super excited. Nothing ever became of it because she doesn't live in Katy, and she kept giving me numbers for places. And long story short, I ended up calling all these places. One only takes Medicare, one's two hours away. One, you have to make an appointment for next Friday to meet with somebody. There was nobody, literally. I spent from 2:15 to 5 o'clock on the phone calling places. That place would tell me to call another place. That place put me on hold forever. This place told me to call number dial number nine. And then nine would say, sorry, nobody is here. Nine is not here. It was the most frustrating and infuriating and sad, sick, twisted situation because you're you're sitting there reaching out for help and there's nobody, you know, and they all say the same thing. Well, call your county, call the the count the the crisis line, call this. They have never done it themselves. They've never been in crisis. I swear to God, there's no way any of these people who are on the other line telling you to do this or that have actually ever done it themselves because it's a joke. It's just a joke. And I just I need to like, you know, write this somewhere. Don't ever call these numbers ever again because they're not helpful. They won't get you. You know, even I was talking to Jennifer, my friend, afterwards, who's dealt with a lot of this stuff. She's been going through divorce for two and a half years, still, I mean, they're divorced, but they're still having to separate property and stuff. And the thing about it is when you go to these places, you when you're dysregulated, when you're stressed, when you're overwhelmed, they want you to sit there and fill out, you know, 25 sheets of paper on everything from, I mean, your childhood to I mean, it's just it's overwhelming and really stressful. So, anyways, so that's this all happened. But the good thing that that lady told me, and this is really the only good thing I heard that whole day, that well, that whole time trying to get a hold of somebody and get help, she said, if you saw me, you would never in a million years guess that I was in a marathon. She goes, But I was. And she said, I remember when I did the coaching and I had a trainer, and I would really, really struggle when we were going up hills. And my trainer said to me, Stop looking up, stop looking up at all of the dauntingness of the mountain, the hill, the the incline, and just focus down at your feet. And if you focus down at your feet, you're gonna see the same thing you see on flat land as you do on hills or downhills. You're gonna see concrete and your feet, concrete and your feet. And I thought that's a really good, like little help analogy thing that I had never heard of before. And I guess it it's probably her own, it's her own life experience, but it made so much sense to me because when I'm looking up to try to get a counselor, to try to get help, it's daunting. I'm not getting anywhere. And she was like, you just have to take it one step at a time. I'm not barking up that tree anymore. That that's just not helping. I have tried and tried and tried, and that's just not gonna help. So I I'm I'm I'm going to pivot, I'm going to move, I'm going to think of different things to do. Another one of my friends later on in the night, when I hung out with her and her husband at the trailer park, they they said two things to me. She said, if things aren't working on one side, cast your nets to the other. So that's one thing. And then she said, You need to stop trying to control everything because you're doing everything, Carrie. You're trying to get your kids to listen, you're trying to get your husband to listen, you're trying to find a lawyer, you're trying to get money, you're trying, you're trying, you're trying. She goes, Maybe you just need to stop, stop trying. And I'm like, that's built in my DNA. That is truly who I am. I am a person who works hard and tries and gives and gives and gives. And that's just to tell me to stop is really, really the hard sell for me. It really is. And I'm not trying to be belligerent or rude or mean, but that's that's a hard one. And I, you know, I shook my head and said, Yeah, yeah, you're right. I know, I know. But it is, it's hard for me to want to not, you know, to just go, okay, God, whatever happens, you know, you push the winds in the boats. You know, the whole saying about like this guy prays to God, and he's like, God, help me, help me. And God's like, wait, I sent you a boat, I sent you a helicopter. I I can't remember. I sent you the people, and you kept saying no, no, no. And that's you're you're ignoring my help, you know? And gosh, this isn't gonna work. I'm trying to find the right jewelry. I'm gonna find it, I'm gonna figure it out. But, anyways, I think that God, there's a saying that God helps those who help themselves. And I'm not saying that he doesn't help you if you don't, and you, you know, you have to do all the work on your own and blah, blah, blah. I'm not saying that, but I am saying that's just in my DNA, and it's hard for me. I can have quiet time here. She's like, have quiet time. And then, wait, two more things she said. She said, This is my friend Kathy, that's a new friend to me. And she said, You should do something nice for yourself. Because if nobody else is gonna do anything nice for you, if your husband's not gonna be nice to you, if your kids aren't gonna be nice to you, if you know the circumstances aren't gonna be nice to you, you are the only one who can be nice to you. And I thought that's a really good piece of advice because usually when everybody was mean to me or not nice to me or I was having problems or whatever, I would just lament in that, and I still probably tend to do that. But the idea of getting a chance, she's like, you should go to the mall, and um, she goes, you should go to the mall and they'll give you a massage. It's a dollar a minute. It feels so good that you should do it, a dollar a minute. And I was like, gosh, that adds up, doesn't it? And then she said, for Mother's Day, Mother's Day's coming up, she's estranged, got estrangement issues too, like so many of us. And she's like, I'm not going to sit around on Mother's Day and do nothing. She's like, I'm going to the casino, I'm going to the steakhouse, I'm doing this, I'm doing that. And I was like, that's that's awesome. And so I, when I did get home, I told my mom, on Mother's Day, I I I, you know, love you, I want to see you, but we're gonna have to plan us doing something on another day besides Mother's Day, because I am not in an emotional headspace where I can act like everything is is 100% fine and just fake it. I I'm not there. I am too open and honest, and I just I can't I can't do that. And so I think you know, she kind of ignored it. So maybe she's hurt. That's fine. She she might not communicate as well as I wish she did, but whatever. That's not my problem. She can message me, she can talk to me, she has a phone, so I'm just gonna kind of wait on her. I'm doing the best I can, and that's all I'm asking anybody else to do, the best that they can. And Bentley wants me to pick him up so badly, and I'm trying to get ready. Bentley is my what, five-pound mortky? He's a Maltese and Yorkie mix, is what that is. Anyways, I'm still getting ready, getting my makeup on and everything. My assistant, who helps me with sales, is going to be here in nine minutes, so I've really got to hurry up. But okay, I wanted to just say a few things. I gave I gave you the words of advice. So I'm trying to think of the words of advice. Do something nice for yourself. If they're not gonna help you, you do the best you can for you. Look down at your feet, go to the feet of Jesus was another one. Her husband suggested that I go look up the footprints poem again, which I have yet to do. I remember it, but he talks about it. He was talking about it. He was saying, just sit here. I figured I he was saying that, you know, there's a point where you think nobody's with you and God's not with you, but really when you see those feet and the footprints in in the sand, it's really God carrying you. So even if it doesn't feel like it, God is carrying me through this. He hasn't left me, he hasn't forsaken me, even though it sure as shit feel feels like it. And so I think that that's those are things that are positive that I'm trying to think about today. I'm trying to, you know, I basically I didn't get any help. And I ended up crying for four and a half hours that day, an hour and a half in the morning, or four hours, an hour and a half in the morning, and then two and a half hours plus, well, almost three, on the phone trying to call people. So I was obviously emotional, dysregulated, hurt, sad, trying, scared, trying to figure it all out. And I realized the catalyst for all of this is my husband. I was fine. I was hopeful, everything when I called him. I was like, yay, we're gonna work this out. But it doesn't work. And it's it wasn't me, it wasn't my bad intentions, it wasn't my bad trying, it wasn't me coming to him with my heart and my soul and laying it out, it wasn't my notes. I did a good job. He didn't. He didn't show up for me, he didn't listen to me, he didn't care about me. Now, I can be sad and mad and upset and frustrated about that, which I truly am, but I can also go, I've got a pivot. I've been casting my neck down on that side, waiting and hoping and dreaming and wanting him to be a better human being and a better man and a better husband all these years. And he will never be that. He will never be this empathetic, sympathetic, generous, kind, caring, listening human being that I thought he was going to grow and be. I he won't. And so I need to write this stuff down. I need to remind myself this. It's not me not trying, it's not that I'm not good enough. It's that people aren't listening to me, they don't give a shit about me. And that's fine, that's up to me. To them. If my kids don't want to have anything to do with me, that's fine. My husband wants to divorce me, that's fine. I have to be okay with everybody else's choices around me and be okay with me despite what I think is wrong. I think it's wrong to estrange your parents. They're like, oh, you're so judgmental. That's so horrible. Well, they're sitting here telling me I'm wrong for doing the things I did in there. So it's it's really, really hilarious that they say, don't judge us, but they judge me. You know, like don't, don't, you know, be mean to us, but they're being mean to me. So it's really it's funny. I mean, I'm I'm really to the point where I'm just laughing because my daughter texted me, I got rid of it because I was just like, whatever. She basically said that her being in my life was like circling the drain and that I was drowning and I was pulling them all down. And I'm looking at it like, really? Because I feel like you dunked my head under the ground. Instead of you talking to me, communicating with me, you cut me off for three and a half years and you have been pushing me under the water, you know, not the ground, the water, and trying, you're drowning me emotionally. You're abusing me emotionally, you're dismissing me and not caring about me. And somehow you're a better person than me because you dismissed me and threw me away and only cared about yourself. I'm sorry. That seems really selfish. It seems really rude. It seems very arrogant. It seems very judgmental. It seems very incapable. And at the end of the day, I was incapable when I had CPTSD, and my kids are incapable right now. And I'm sad for that situation. I'm heartbroken about that situation, but I can no longer be and stay in this place where I'm suffering. I'm sad. I'm not getting my needs met. I have to, have to, have to, have to, have to move on. And that's really where I'm at. I've got this cute little kitty picture that it's a cat hanging onto a rope and it says, Lord, help me hang in there. And that's what I'm looking at. That's what I'm trying. Every day is difficult, every day is a struggle, but I am trying. I am trying to think positive. I'm getting up. I'm getting my makeup on. I'm going to do my show. I've been canceling them and canceling them and I'm forcing myself to do it. I'm going to brush my teeth. I'm going to be on live TV in 15 minutes. And I'm doing this as well. So I'm, I'm, I'm showing up. I'm getting up and I'm doing the best I can. Just like that's all I that's all I ask of anybody. Do the best you can. I've done the best I can. I'm and, you know, we obviously are humans. We're not the same every moment and every day and every, you know, we shouldn't be judged on one situation or one conversation. We should be judged on the fact that we're human beings and each human being is worthy of time and consideration and communication and love and all of that. And when people have treated me the way that my husband and my kids are, that's wrong. Period. Point blank full stop. And I I, you know, I'm getting blamed because I think it's wrong. So it's okay. They can hate me and think it's it's totally fine what they're doing and how they're treating me, and they can gang up on me, they can villainize me, they can demonize me. I don't care anymore. I'm moving on. I three and a half years is too long to be in suffering and sadness and disappointment and heartache and and wanting these other people to just listen to me. I've I've got to move on. So, anyways, there's my half an hour little chat. I think I'm gonna try to do this more. I don't really want to be journaling because journaling just takes a whole nother level of this, and this I can do other things with, and this is just where I'm at. But I I'm planning on doing this more and hopefully getting from one end of the grief and heartache and all the sadness and divorce and all this to the other side. And in fact, at 10 o'clock today, I'm going to meet my friend Heidi, who has gone through divorce, and we are meeting and talking, and she's in a much better place, she's a much happier human being. I am sure that who you're with has a lot to do with how you are and act and react and feel and all of that. I know I've had ex-boyfriends, I've had ex-husbands. I mean, not ex-husbands, ex-people that I've lived with and stuff. Common law, I guess, is what they were. But anyways, that's it. I'm gonna take off and I hope you guys have a great day. And maybe I gave you just one little nugget to hope on to. And yeah, that's it. If you guys want to leave me any messages, fan mail, say anything to me, that would be great. And yeah, I'll hopefully be back in the near future with more. All right, bye.