Mother’s Day Thoughts

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

So it's Mother's Day, and I'm sitting in my backyard by my pool by myself. Nobody said happy Mother's Day to me. Not my husband, not my kids, the two that are here. Obviously, not the four that think I'm shit and don't even have common decency to pick up a phone or talk to me. So yeah, I'm not celebrating Mother's Day anymore. I think it's wonderful for all the mothers who love motherhood, who are treated like mothers, who are told that how wonderful they are and how people are grateful for them in their lives and how they're kind and considerate, and they buy flowers and presents and cards and all of that. But that time in my life has obviously past. I don't even get grandkids anymore. So I'm just working today and I'm thinking about how ridiculous this is. I'm doing a challenge. I sell on whatnot, and I'm doing a 30-day divorce fund challenge, and I'm on day four, and it's really, really hard because you've got to buy inventory, you've got to list inventory, you've got to pack it, you've got to ship it. It's just, it's my house is a whole mess, and it's just a lot of a lot, and nobody's offering to help. I'm doing the majority of everything myself unless I pay an assistant. And I'm like, you know what? This is what my life is going to be when I have nobody here anymore. I gotta get used to that, and that's fine. I'm totally fine with that. But I'm I I told my husband this morning, I said, Why don't I just take the retirement money? You can stay in the house, you can have the kids, you can have the dogs, you can have everything till two years from now, so that my kids don't have to be pulled from their house, their room, go through the divorce, all that. We can figure out some mediation paperwork or something, and then after the house sells, I can get the other half of the house whenever you decide to sell it. And instead of him going, well, that sounds like a great idea, he's like, I'll think about it. And I'm just like, you know, I've offered so much, and the reason I'm willing to do it is because of sacrifice, and that's what I have done for 28 years, almost 29 years. Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice. And instead of getting promoted the way that other people in jobs do or in the military or whatever, getting up the ranks and getting the blessings from all that hard work and all that sacrifice and all that giving, I am just, you know, like, oh well, it's just mom, you know, we don't have to do that. Who cares? And it's it's hurtful. It's hurtful, it's extremely hurtful. And I'm trying to figure out how to process that and not think of how hurtful it is. And I don't really know how to do that. I mean, I'm just I'm trying to like compartmentalize, I guess, and go, okay, Carrie, don't think about those things. I'm not gonna get on Facebook. I'm not gonna see how everybody else is, you know, loving on their mothers and treating their mothers kindly. I'm not gonna look at all the past memories when my kids did give me cards or were nice and came running up to me going, Happy Mother's Day, Mom. You know, I'm I'm not gonna go there because that's a different, different life, different people. Yeah. I just um I don't know. And I the thing is, you know, I I've only done three shows so far with this divorce thing, and I've had so many women reach out to me. So many women. Women that have been divorced, women that are estranged. I I had a woman call me the other day. I talked to her for an hour. She's on her third marriage, she's been estranged from one of her kids for 13 years. At this point, I'm I'm so fed up and frustrated with the fact that my husband said, No, you can't talk to your mom. She's angry. Like, I have no right to be angry. You dismissed me, you threw me away, you didn't talk to me, you didn't come to my rescue, you didn't help me, you didn't communicate at all, you just shut me down, talking about my four kids that don't talk to me anymore. I've reached out to them via text. I've tried, I've tried, I've tried. I'm not trying anymore. I'm done. If they never talk to me again, so be it. Because I've done the best I can. And when you're getting the door slammed in your face when they can't even pick up a phone, it's ridiculous. My husband said that I sent two text messages to my son-in-law. One was, you know, hey, could you please reaching out to me? Like I'm hurting, I'm struggling, could you something, you know, to that extent? And then crickets for over 24 hours. You know, these kids carry their phones. It's not like he didn't see it or didn't know. And they were, quote, about to call me, but then I sent two sentences that weren't in alignment with exactly what they wanted to hear, how they wanted to hear it. I'm never gonna be perfect for them. I'm never gonna live up to what they want of me. I'm never gonna be Mary Poppins, I'm never gonna be the chick from Enchanted, I'm I'm never going to be that. And if they don't like who God gave them as their mother, there's nothing I can do about that. I did tell my mom I'm dealing with a lot of emotions and the depression and disappointment and everything, and I'm trying to figure out how to move forward. And I offered to take her out yesterday and I offered to take her out sometime this week, but I said I didn't want to do it today. I have tons of work to do. I have to pack, I have to ship, I have to list, I have to clean, I have the house is a mess, and you know, just the little things. I I'm just frustrated by other human beings, to be quite honest. I've asked my kid for like four days to just load up the freeze dryer with Skittles. Four days. They've just been sitting on the table. He hasn't done it. Last night I said, could somebody wipe down the counters? Because I really like coming into the kitchen when it's clean, when the dishes are done and the counters are done. Nobody did it. The dish, the laundry is piled up, nobody's doing it. Everybody just waits for me to jump in and take care of this stuff, and I'm not doing it anymore. I gave up on cooking a while back because I would cook things and they wouldn't want it or they weren't hungry then. So everybody's kind of on their own and cooks whatever and eats whatever whenever. Last night when I was on a show, my kid brought me a plate. It was fine. I had a few bites of it. It wasn't something I wanted to eat, so I get that. But I think I'm just I'm giving up on all of it. Like, why do we try? Why do we try to make other people, you know, live to a higher moral standard and kindness and generosity when they're just incapable? And I get that I had CPTSD and I was incapable at the time. But to not pick up the phone, to not talk to me, to say, oh, mom's angry, so therefore you can't talk to her, I think is a crock of shit. Because quite honestly, people are more than just one feeling or one day or one year. I'm not the same person I was three and a half years ago when CPTSD happened. And unfortunately, instead of my kids getting better, which I wish they were, they're not. They're not trying. They're they're not capable of having conversations. I get that at the time I wasn't, but at least I got out of that. You know, I'm I'm not seeing a therapist, I'm not on drugs, I'm I'm I'm able to drive my car now, I'm able to hear the doorbell ring, I'm able to hear the dogs bark, things that I I couldn't handle before. My nervous system was shot because of all the years I gave to everybody else and all the circumstances and situations that I never took care of. And just the other day I was having lunch with my friend and she said she's had to get over the trauma of her having cancer once. And I was just like, wow, okay, because here I am, and they're saying my cancer is probably either bone or brain. I have to go back in June to see what my cancer, you know, levels are and and all of that. But I never thought of cancer as trauma. I I everybody wants to label everything as trauma. I just called it cancer and dealt with it. You know, I didn't I didn't deal with anything. So I don't know. I'm I don't know if anybody's listening to this, but for me, this is good because it's like a journal and I'm not writing it down anywhere. And I get my feelings out and I get to say what I'm thinking. And what I'm thinking today might not be what I'm thinking tomorrow or next year, you know. That's how we grow and evolve and change as human beings. Hopefully, my kids will grow and evolve as human beings and be able to be capable of having difficult conversations, even when mom's not happy, even when mom's frustrated and disappointed and upset. There seems to be some unwritten rule that moms aren't allowed to ever be disappointed, which is hilarious to me. You know, and I think about it, it's like had I done to them what they're doing to me, they'd be dead. They'd be dead. If I cut them out of my life when they threw up or when they cried all night, or when they, you know, did anything as a child to hurt my feelings, and I just shut them down and didn't give a shit about them, they'd be dead. I literally kept them alive. Even if even shush, no. Even if I only kept them alive for one day of their life, I feel like I earn some love, gratitude, respect, kindness, human decency for just the fact that even if I only kept them alive for one day, I did way more than that, obviously. If you're a mom, you know all the sacrifices you make and all the nights you get up and all the places you go and all the parties you have and all the events and activities and education. I went above and beyond. I even at homeschooled my kids. I started schools for them, I started programs for them. I I did so much. And I I look at all that and it's like, yeah, not good enough. You pissed us off. We're canceling you. And I think it's so sad that so many women have written to me and messaged me and said, we don't talk to our kids either. Our kids did it too. And the funny thing is, our kids think they're the only ones who had, you know, not the most ideal parents, you know. There was no manual. I didn't I grew up in an abusive home with one brother, and I ended up having six kids. I worked my ass off every single day. I was a damn good mom. I woke them up. I read to them three to five hours a day at different parts of their lives. I mean, huge amounts of reading and educating. And I mean, I just I can't even tell you. And so, no, I won't buy into the narrative. I won't buy into their story. They're welcome to have their own little narrative and their own little story, but God knows the truth. God knows what I did. And if they only want to focus on the negative, there's nothing I can do about that. The same with anybody in the world, you know, you can only do the best within your control. I can't control them, they can't control me. And I guess that's the deal. If they can't make me say and do and write and act and feel a certain way, I'm not good enough for them. Unfortunately, that's the situation. I forgive them. I I do, I forgive them. I think that, you know, they obviously have some issues. I won't get into what I think their issues are, but obviously unforgiving is is high up on the list. I think there's a lot of vitriol, bitterness, rage, uh, vengeance. I mean, it's it's vengeance when I'm not even allowed to see pictures of my grandchildren. And then my husband said something like, Hannah calls it a one-way mirror. And I'm like, I don't even know what that means, but whatever. She didn't talk to me, she didn't say anything about it. So, and if she did say something and I forgot, then bring it back up again because I was going through a lot, you know. But at the end of the day, I have to make peace with who I am, where I am, and what the circumstance is. And I don't know if it's because God's allowing it or God allowed Satan to do it or evils in there. I definitely think there's spiritual warfare going on without a doubt, because at the end of the day, everything comes down to spiritual warfare. But right now, yeah, I'm disappointed. I'm frustrated. And it's it's not life isn't fair. Life isn't fair, and I get that. But I refuse to compare myself with other people anymore. I I don't I don't get it, but I'm I'm not going to go, oh, woe is me, my kids, you know, yeah, I'm disappointed. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, I wish it was different. But at the end of the day, I I've just got to move on for my own sanity. Uh otherwise, I'm not gonna make it. I've been dealing with this for like three and a half years, and my husband has not been instrumental in the slightest in helping me with this. He's not read a book, he's not gone to counseling. He went to one counseling guy and he throws that up in my face because he went to the guy after me, but the guy was just he was not a very good counselor, so I didn't want to keep going back to him. But I have tried and tried and tried, and that's all you can do, the best within your abilities. And I guess my kids don't have the ability to communicate and be kind and show compassion and grace and love and all that. I guess they can't get past their feelings, which I feel really sorry for them. I feel very sad for them. It's a sad situation because our family could have been put together had I had a husband who backed me up and supported me and said, Don't treat your mom like that. When my friends would hear about this, they in the very beginning, the first thing they would say is, Shame on them. You were such a good mom. I have friends who used to call me Superwoman. I still do, they still do to this day. They call me Superwoman because they saw how I managed and balanced and kept showing up and kept being there day in, day out, despite all the circumstances and everything that was against me, whether it was health, whether it was finance, whether it was dysfunctioning relationship with my husband, whether it was, you know, I've got to feed all these kids and clothe all these kids and take them places and field trips and educate and all that I had on my plate. I always showed up and I was always there. Even when I had cancer and I did chemo and I felt bad, I would try to come home and read to my kids because I was at chemo and I didn't have a lot of energy after that and the day after. And I was doing chemo three times a week at one point for five and a half, almost six months. And even in that, I look at how I always put my kids first. And you know, I know that God appreciates it. I I'm proud of what I've done, and I I can't make them proud of me, and that's it. And that's a really hard place to be, especially on Mother's Day. But I am there and I'm doing the best I can. Tomorrow I am going to give myself for Mother's Day, which I'm really not, I I don't even like saying it right now, honestly. I don't even like saying Mother's Day because it's it's so hard for me to even say that I'm a mom and then feel the disappointment and the weight and the heartbreak of what's going on. But I am going to do Reiki, which Reiki, Reiki, whatever. I don't know what it is. A friend of mine told me to do it. It's in the heights somewhere in Houston, and so I'm gonna go and do that. And then I was supposed to have a conversation yesterday with this guy at this place called Within. It's in Austin, and it's it's ketamine treatments for nervous systems. They do everything from yoga to talking to therapy to all of this. And I was supposed to talk to him from 1:30 to 2 o'clock yesterday, but then he had to be somewhere, so I didn't talk to him. But really, where I'm at right now is is a place of just absolute sadness and heartbreak. And I've been here for three and a half years and it's not gotten better. I think getting a divorce will definitely make my life better because I don't have a husband who's supportive and understanding and empathetic and all that. That being said, this place you can go for like a week and a half to a week and a half to two two to four weeks or something like that, and you do these treatments. And I had a friend who went and did it, and she said it changed her life. And so there's a part of me that's sort of like, okay, okay. And she's like, you can't control your kids, you can't control your circumstances to you know a certain level. So you just do the best within your ability. And I think that I think that that's something I want to try and do, you know. So, anyways, that's where I am today. I wish I had something really great and grand that I had learned or processed or figured out and some quote or scripture or something. But right now, just the fact that I got out of bed and I'm not a ball in my bed crying and heaving for four and a half hours like I was the other day, I think is a is a step in the right direction. And I have a walking into my bedroom, I have a sign and it says it's never too late to live happily ever after. And that's really what I'm hoping for. That I can have a happily ever after. I know no life is perfect, and everybody has challenges and difficulties, and you know, you don't get to choose a lot of things. My kids didn't get to choose their mom. God chose that for them, you know. I didn't get to choose how they're treating me. But, you know, for whatever reason, God's allowing it. And so I just keep thinking, okay, if God is allowing this, then there's gotta be something I learn in it. And I've, you know, I think I've learned a lot. I've learned how horrible people can be to one another. That's a huge one. I never ever had seen this level of, you know, just intentional pain on another human being to this level before. I mean, I I've heard and seen the news. I know what happens, I know there's murder and there's rape and there's war and there's stealing and whatever. And I I did see that with Mark's side of the family when when his grandma died and, you know, they took money from us and things like that. So I've I've seen it where people are deceitful and lie, but I've never had to go through this before. And I think at the end of the day, it really, really makes me go, okay, who who do I want to be around? Who do I want to, you know, because this idea of long suffering for the next, you know, good gracious, 30 years or something, I I'm not doing it. I'm just not. I'm I've given and I've given and I've given. And I know that, God knows that. And I tried my best, and I know that, God knows that, and I can't convince anybody else. And so I I've got to really be strategic in what I'm doing, what I'm planning, where I'm going. And I don't have any of those answers right now. I I don't. I'm I'm thinking Florida, I'm thinking Tennessee, I'm I'm thinking, you know, what do I want to do for a job? Where do I want to live? What does that look like? That makes me happy. That makes me happy thinking that I don't have to live with this man anymore. I don't have to, you know, keep dealing with somebody who doesn't give a shit about me. And I could hopefully, and I'm praying for this, that I can meet somebody who gives me common decency. Because even this morning when I was talking to my husband, I said one more sentence than he could handle. And he's like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard you, or whatever. And he's very dismissive and very rude. And I don't need that. I don't, I don't need to be dismissed anymore. I've been dismissed enough for a frickin' lifetime. And while it hurts, and I think it's morally wrong, I think it's evil, I think it's horrible and terrible and on and on and on. It doesn't matter what I think as far as what they have chosen to do. And so I can just do the very best I can. And yeah, that's what I'm gonna focus on today. So I'm gonna take a shower, I'm gonna get dressed, I'm gonna keep working, and try to force myself to just think of this as any old day. It's just a Sunday. I mean, really, Mother's Day is made for commercial industry, right? Restaurants get taken, flowers get bought, chocolate gets bought, people buy purses and all of this, you know, cards. And I I would rather be treated just with common decency on a Thursday. You know, it doesn't it doesn't matter that today is Sunday. So, or Mother's Day as they they want to call it. But I also think, you know, nobody said Happy Mother's Day to me. And I thought, oh, all the years I bought my husband ties and boxers. And you know, did the did the cooking and the breakfast and the helping the kids make their cards for him, etc., etc. And I thought, you know what? I don't have to do that for Father's Day either, because I I'm not going to. I'm not going to keep giving and giving and giving to not receive anything back. It's just unhealthy for me to give and give and give and sacrifice, sacrifice, and long suffering anymore. I'm just breaking point. So, anyways, that's it. Like I said, I wish I had some great piece of nuggets of truth and wisdom here, but but that's all I got today. So I hope you're doing good wherever you are, and that if you are a mother, that you are being appreciated and loved and valued. And I think that's all any of us as humans want. We just want to be loved and valued. And I have to realize that these people don't love and value me. And, you know, it is what it is. I guess that's it. All right. Y'all have a great day. We'll talk to you later. Bye.