Middle of the Night Thoughts

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Well, hello there. I did not want to be up. I don't want to be up right now and recording this, but I'm going to just because I have my thoughts and it's been a really long time since I've done an episode and so much has changed. So this is just gonna be, you know, raw and me just coming to you. So today it's 1.20 a.m. on the 30th of June. We're really close to the 4th of July. It's really big deal, and we have no plans and haven't even talked about it, which seems to be the MO for our my life with my family. Not talking about stuff. I since I have been on here, I went for 16 days to go do a ketamine experiment treatment, whatever, guided ketamine at a ranch in Austin, Texas. And I actually have a whole podcast about that and that experience. And I'm got that going. So if anybody's interested, yeah, you can message me, and there's an area here where you can click on the episode and go down to where it says fan mail, and you can touch a touch base with me if you want to hear that. I my husband and I have been talking about divorce. It's been it's been three, let's see. It's been March 13th is when things were really bad. My husband met me at a restaurant. He was already drunk, and I tried to sober him up. We went to another restaurant to give you the quick background. Went to another restaurant. It told the waitress, don't give him anything to drink, just give him water. He was irate and unreasonable and drunk, and it was just very, very difficult. I don't know why he drinks so much and does this drunk thing, but he's pretty much done it off and on throughout our whole marriage. And it's been really, really hard. If you know anybody who just drinks just and gets really just crazy, you know what I'm talking about. And for years I've made justifications and excuses and just kind of said, well, he's my husband. It is what it is, and you know, whatever. That night was really, really hard. Um, I was really embarrassed. It was a very stressful situation, and he ended up walking out on me. That was March 13th. Here I am, you know, what is that? Three months later, basically. March, April, May, June. You were at the end of June, three and a half months. And after that, that night and driving home by myself after he left me at a restaurant where everybody, both restaurants, was looking at me with pity and feeling sorry for me to be having to deal with that. The next day, he acted like it was no big deal. Like, what's the big deal? What's the big he didn't want to take accountability? The only reason he was going to apologize is because I wanted him to. Well, I to do this, you know, ketamine treatment. And in doing that, I really learned a lot of things and really opened up my mind and the way I'm looking at the world, the way I'm experiencing things, the way I see things. And to try to do the best I could, I was willing to come back home and work with my husband, if he was willing to work with me. And he has said, quote, I don't want to work. And he has also said, you know, that doesn't sound like fun. He wants to have fun. He said, marriage shouldn't be this hard. Those are just some of the quotes he's made. But when I think about here I am at 125 in the morning, thinking about what happened tonight, it's been two weeks since I've been I've been back. We tried to go out once to talk, and he was just angry and defensive and bitter and resentful and just so there was really no talking to him. I just felt so unsafe walking on eggshells. He's not really listening. It was just awful. So we came back home and I said, okay, well, let's let's go to a restaurant next time instead of a parking lot where there's all this pressure and he didn't want to go to the park. It was too hot. I didn't want to sit in the car. It was just we were not getting anywhere. So we went to go eat at a restaurant, and I gave him just very basics on how my trip went, what it was like, you know, just none of my great lessons, none of really where I am, none of how I feel going forward, what I want, any of the good stuff. Because really, I didn't feel like he was there for me. I just felt like he was very being very abrupt and very rude, and he was not really heart in it caring about me. So I wasn't going to give more and more of myself when he wasn't going to give me back. And it, in fact, at one point in the conversation, this is when I first got back two weeks ago, he's kind of like, I'm an engineer, just give me the bullet points. And I thought, I don't, well, I'm trying not to say I don't. I want somebody who can listen to me and care about me and the words I have to say and gives me respect and time and isn't pushing me to get to bullet points. So I haven't been giving, like I would have in the past, the old my all the ladies around me, which is this is interesting too. Everybody else has noticed a difference in me. Everybody, like my friends, everybody who's seen me is like, oh my gosh, you you're talking different, you're different. You I wow. And my own husband hasn't noticed. So I think that is a huge, huge, I don't know, sign, I guess. But where am I going? Anyways, so we get back, and for two weeks we haven't talked about anything really. I called him from a my car when it was raining one day, just crying and saying, hey, you know, I don't want it to be like this. I want us to be able to talk. I want, and he just fires off with it's just blame. And so I mean, blame, blame, blame. I just uh it's hard when that's all you hear is you know, you this and you should have done this, and this happened, and and I get that people blame. I I grew up pretty immature myself, blaming my family, my mom, my house, you know, blame everybody, you know. That's the way you handle things when you can't stop and talk and converse and problem solve. And that's what you do. You just, you know, if you're upset, you blame work. If you're upset with the economy, you blame the government. If you're upset, whatever, just blame everybody because it just gives you something to do. It it gives you an out, if you will. There's no accountability and blame. So, as many times as even on the phone, I would say to him, I'm sorry, I I get that I did that, and that is horrible, and I'm willing to talk and let's figure out a path forward. And I would say words like that, it's like it didn't, it went right in one ear and right out the other. He just was so filled with rage and blame and anger that there was just nothing. And then when I said, you know, hey, hey, I'm you're really getting upset, you know, and I tried to calm him down. He I I at this point, I don't think he's capable of it. Maybe in the future he will be, but I won't be his wife then. I I won't. I and here's why, and here's how it came down to. So I think it was like last Friday. I said, uh you gotta choose a path, Mark. You know, it's been three months, we have to choose a path. We're either getting lawyers or we're working together. Well, I wanted to go to like a retreat center one-on-one with counselors. I didn't want to go do some big, you know, focus on the family kind of thing that we did once. He pointed that out last night. Like, we did that and we argued. You're right. I was completely just I'm like thinking, yes, I was completely dysregulated when that happened. And we were there with hundreds and hundreds of other couples. That was not what we needed. We need intensive, you know, counseling and not something one day a week. I mean, we are beyond that. And the fact that he thinks he's going to put a little band-aid on a gaping, you know, like I mean, the the wounds that we have right now and where we are, it's unbelievable. It's like you got shot with an oozy or something, and he wants to take a little waterproof band-aid and pop it on there. And I'm just like, I you're delusional. It's crazy to think that that could ever happen. We we've done counseling before that that hasn't happened. And you know, he blames me for even that, you know. He went to a counselor after I did, but I started to recognize that that counselor, he was kind of honestly, he was kind of a joke. He was not really getting to the heart of the issue. He all he did was repeat back what we said. We weren't really getting good advice, and I didn't feel comfortable with him. It wasn't that Mark decided to start going, and that's why I didn't go want to keep going to the guy. I didn't trust a lot of things and the situations. I was pretty much suicidal in a parking lot once, and this guy, it was awful, just he was not helpful at all. And so we we left that counselor. But you know, Mark wants to blame me for it. You did this, you did that, you, you, you, and all I'm hearing right now is just blame and bitterness and anger. That's a hard place to be living with somebody like that for as long as I have. And and not that I haven't gotten defensive and angry and said things about him in the past, too, but not really since I got back, because I have been trying to give of myself even more and say, hey, you know, we got married. The reason we got married is because we believed that there was something in each other that was reason to spend the rest of our lives together. We, you know, in my mind, we might not know what it is now, but there was something. You know, we've been together 32 years at this point. Surely there was something in him that I liked, surely something in me that he liked to the point where we said we love each other and we want to get married. That in itself is reason for me to spend time, energy, work, going to counseling, whatever money, time, uh, effort. And he says he doesn't want to do the work, he doesn't want to spend the time, he doesn't want to do, you know, any money, uh, etc. And it's hard to hear that. It makes me feel like I'm not lovable enough, like I'm not cared for enough, and as sad as it is, that probably is the truth. It's hard, it's really hard to say that that somebody doesn't care or love you enough to go to counseling or spend money or or time or energy on you. I have a friend who also got divorced, I guess three years ago now, and her husband sideswiped her, told the kids to lie to her. I mean, like the whole thing was just a nightmare. Very, very dysfunctional. Her husband, just not that this is the exact thing, but her relationship with her husband is a lot like my relationship with my husband, a lot of their personalities and stuff. And that's actually one of the reasons that her and I have been friends, is because she had her husband was so much like my husband over the you know 18 plus years, 19 years of our marriage. She was the only friend I had whose husband was so much like mine in their avoidance and the way they didn't want to talk, and the way they handled kids or you know, whatever, just very dismissive and avoidant. And none of my other friends had you know that I knew of had that same situation. But she's been going through this for you know three years now that she's been divorced, and what he did and how he handled everything, it was just horrible. And it's it's awful. I'm really sad and heartbroken that it doesn't seem like we can talk and sit down and converse and have enough love and respect for one another, just even as human beings at this point. Like, like you're a human being, you have value, you have worth, your words matter. Like, that's not even there. Like, anyways, okay, let me fast forward. So I asked him to pick a lane, you know. Mark, let's decide. Let's are we going forward with getting a mediator or lawyers? What are we doing? We can't just keep living in this house where thing we're talking about divorce. Well, I was gone for 17 days. He didn't think about it, he didn't talk about it, he didn't pray about it. I don't, I don't know. He didn't do anything about it. He said that at one point to me. And that's fine. You know, he gets to choose, but he never said, We missed you, we're so glad you're home, you know, whatever. He did try to text me, and I wasn't texting him. I was there for my healing and my growth, and it wasn't time for me to chit-chat with my husband via text a whole lot. I did tell him before I left, whether he remembers it or not, that I was gonna, this was for me, my mental health. I was trying trying to get better, and I guess I, you know, just I didn't talk to the kids. They they were fine, everybody was fine without me, uh, which is another reality is not only am I not cared and loved for enough for you know somebody to spend time and energy on, which is heartbreaking. I'm doing really good saying this, but these are reality checks, so that's hard. That's a hard one. And they don't need me to. They they really could get along without me. Now, are they doing the right things and making the right choices and the right decisions? And do I feel comfortable with the decisions they want to make, etc., etc.? No, absolutely not. I feel I have a human duty to keep taking care of my kids and have investment there and care about the best of what happens here. I'm gonna get to that in a minute, anyways. So I said, Mark, pick a lane, and he pushed it off because he's very good at that. And, you know, not coming to me with what I need, but instead, you know, kind of sweeping it under the rug or changing the narrative, the story, whatever. And yesterday I sat, I had waited a whole nother week because he said, Well, this coming weekend, this is him last weekend, I'm going to take the boys water skiing, and we're gonna go water skiing with my cousin and my dad and my sister and everybody. I wasn't invited, just to point that out. I did have my veins done, so I wouldn't have gone anyways, but at this point, it is what it is. So he took the boys once again, he took them to California to see my grandbaby and my kids and the whole situation without me. So everybody says their words are he has betrayed you. He is not fighting for you, he is not sticking up for you, he has betrayed you. Those were other people's words, not mine. But I've thought about them since, and I was like, wow, yeah, I guess. And I really haven't done a deep dive on what betrayal is. And that word, I don't know, it doesn't sit very well with me. But anyway, so I find, fine, Mark. Okay, you go water skiing and drinking and having fun on a lake with your family, and somehow you're supposed to do some deep dive into your emotions and your future and what God wants and whatever. I I, you know, said, okay, people pleasing me. I'm working on this, you know. I don't I have a problem with even that because what's wrong with people pleasing? Like, who who doesn't want to be a people pleaser? I want to please people. I don't know why you wouldn't want that. So I gotta look into that too. But anyway, so I was like, fine, Mark, whatever, get back to me when you get back. So last night he comes home. I mean, on Sunday night, he came home. He was tired, he sat in front of the TV for a while, and then he went to bed, and that was it. I did, I was that that was it pretty much. So, all for like a week, another week, and you know, I've been waiting for him to tell me, are we working on the marriage or are we getting a divorce? How do you feel about it? What are you thinking? Can you give me the answers? He knew that was the assignment. And the first thing he does is he sits down and he says, Tell me about your time. You know, you're 16 days away. Wait a minute, that's not the conversation. That's not the task. You had a job. Your job was to come back and talk to me and tell me where you wanted to be. And I get now, my friend said, Well, maybe he was just, you know, because he later on in our argument after this, he said, I was trying to see if there was anything to connect with you. And I'm like, that's not how you connect with me. You didn't say I want to connect with you. You know, I can't read your mind, buddy. What I felt in that was, oh, let me once again get out of my job and my responsibility to come to the table with the question answered, you know. So I felt frustrated by that. And I was like, I'm not going to give you that information. I'm not going to tell you how things have changed. I'm not going to keep engaging in this unless you could tell me what you're thinking and where we're going. He's he's had three and a half months since March 13th to think about this, to plan about this. And I was 150% on board with divorce before I left. I was like, there's no point in this. I was mad. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was like, this is this is dumb. And my Facebook, which is hilarious, I got rid of my changed my name. And he yelled at me in a fight once that I did that. Well, I did that for business purposes because my name is a little different with a business, and I was trying to update a website. It's this whole thing, not a website, uh another page. But I didn't do it because of the divorce. But he automatically assumes worst case scenario, oh, you did it because of this. Well, that's not the truth. But I realize that's another point, is that a bunch of people assume they know everything, and they assume they know what I think and how I feel and why I do what I do, or whatever. And I think it's very, very sad that that's the world we live in where you're not taking time to really listen and have those hard conversations and talk to people and find out what they're really thinking and how how they're at, where they're at. And unfortunately, I think, and this is why we would need serious counseling, which he doesn't want to do, but the argument outside, he had planned it for the two boys to go out to a movie or eat or something, which I was, I thought, hey, this is a step in the right direction. He took, he took some initiative. So I was impressed with him with that. And I thought, okay, he called the boys so that they wouldn't be here. Didn't really matter because we only talked for like 35 minutes before my husband gave up when he walked inside. And you know, that was it. He is avoidant, and so he that's what he does. If he doesn't like the way things are going, if they it just escalates, he doesn't like what I say, he doesn't like how I said it, he doesn't like the ball, whatever. He just gets upset and he leaves. And I get that. He probably saw his dad leave his mom's house, they got divorced. You know, we all have our coping methods. I'm sorry that I don't really know what to do with that. It it frustrates me and it makes me sad. But it's at a nutshell, when when it's coming down to it, he wants to have fun, he doesn't want to have to work, he doesn't want to have to invest. And I started thinking about that this morning, 142 in the morning. And I took sleep medicine and everything. And I've fasted for two days. I I didn't eat anything on Sunday or Monday. So I'm planning on keep going until God gives me some direction. That's kind of where I'm at, because I don't have any answers, and I'm just like, okay, God, I need. You to make some choices and decisions and help me out here. So, anyways. Our arguments and the way we treat each other is not kind, it's not loving, it's not respectful. It's just a lot of this happened and you did this and you say that, and a lot of daggers. At one point, he said, Our kid's gonna go to public school. And I was like, He is going to be a junior in high school, and you want to put him in public school? Are you kidding me? Like, that's crazy. He's been homeschooled his whole life. I already put two of my kids in public or private schools after they had been homeschooled their whole life. And I regret that a whole lot. And that's not to cut on anybody who has their kids in public or private, just for our family and our situation, for our dynamic. I wish I had never done that. And I don't want that to happen with my youngest one. But instead of him listening to me, instead of him, I even said, I've got videos, I said I could talk to you, I can have other people talk to you. He doesn't want to do it. He's like, Nope, I've decided. Well, how is he deciding? Because the four kids that I did homeschool feel like there was some holes and they're in blame mode too. So, like he said, our one daughter said she didn't know about tectonic plates. And I was like, We did teach science to her. I don't teach science now a whole lot, but she didn't remember something. Do you think every person who ever learns anything remembers every conversation, everything? Nobody graduates any school and remembers everything. Now, were there holes in her education? You betcha. Just like every education. Was my husband a very big help with education? No. It was on me and me creating schools and having other teachers and other, you know, so I a hundred percent agree she had holes in her education, just like I did and you did. But he is on team, let's villainize Carrie. So my four kids are estranged from me. My husband is listening to everything they say instead of listening to me, which is, I think, in a nutshell, we can all agree that no, you you're supposed to listen to your wife, you're supposed to talk to your wife, you're supposed to respect and care about what your wife says, especially when she has done a good job with all those kids. So all those kids who are complaining, they're all educated. They've either graduated college or they've graduated high school, they have, you know, education. They could have gone on to junior college, regular college, whatever. We had a plan financially. We were like, okay, you guys go to junior college for a year or two, then you can go to regular college because we went straight for a year with the first two. We learned financially we couldn't do that with the second two. Those two got mad and upset and left. You know, it is what it is at the end of the day. Everybody gets to make their own choices and their own decisions. And I I personally believe we're we're living in a fallen world and everybody is sinful, and we all make mistakes. I make mistakes, you make mistakes, my family makes mistakes. That's it. I I get that. What's happened here is there's been really bad things that have happened. My CPTSD, three and a half years of not talking to my kids because they've just decided to estrange themselves from me, which that's their choice. They're gonna have to live with that come in their in their lives. That's their choice. I want to go to California. I want to see my daughter, I want to see my grandkids, I want to have repair because what has happened is there has been dysfunction and sadness and lots of feelings and lots of emotions and lots of circumstances and situations, just like in everybody's life, right? We all go through different times and seasons and situations. But when you can't repair and restore, that's where the problem lies. And I think of how many different arguments Mark and I have had where the repair and restoring wasn't there, where we didn't pray, we didn't talk, we didn't figure out, we didn't counsel, we didn't put the time and energy and effort into it. And when I tell him, hey, you know, we've been not together all these years, but we really didn't spend a lot of time working on us. We were so busy with the kids and the everything, you know, I could go through the long list. I'm saying if he, you know, we're gonna go forward, we gotta do that. Well, another reality here is not only can we be mean to people and and not repair and not restore and not give them the time of day and and not and be bitter and angry and frustrated and all of that. But we where was I going? I I had another thought in there. That can happen, obviously. But no matter how much you want another person to meet you and to be there, you can't. Yesterday when I was thinking about the reasons to stay married, my reasons were because of God. And I I would mention that. He's like, Yeah, you would bring God into it, it would be about God. And I was just like, wait, I thought you were supposed to be a Christian Christian too. I said that something when he gave me that like kind of snotty comment. And he goes, he goes, I go to church. And I thought, yeah, that's about where it stops. You go to church on Sunday mornings, and that's it. I I'm not seeing you want to lead this house in a godly way. You don't want your kid to be Christian educated here at the house and do prayer and Bible. He goes, You could do that when he gets back from school. It's just like he to me, those things are very, very important to him. It's obviously not very important. So we're not equally yoked in at all. We never were from the beginning because I was a Christian and he wasn't. Now I I don't know what his relationship is with God or or his I don't understand it, I don't, I don't get it, but I I know it's not a high priority. And I feel like he's trying to check off boxes and say he's some good Christian man because he's taking the boys to church, which, you know, hey, I think it's great that you're going to church and taking our boys, but I don't think it's for the same reason that I would want you to go to church. And so where am I? I think we're not on the same page there. And he he was like, What are we gonna do in the future? And what do you want to do with our lives? What are we gonna do? You know, once the boys are gone, what are we doing with each other? Kind of like, you know, what are we doing? And I thought he said, like, what do you want in life? And I thought about things I want. I would like to do be do some missionary work, I would like to have some hobbies. I said, I like to garden. I would like to go to beer gardens, you know, maybe do some traveling, maybe have some friends and go out to dinner with them and you know, maybe piddle around the house and maybe do some home improvement. And I gave him some ideas. They weren't the same things like activities that he wants to do. You know, I said, What do you want to do? Just drink and do drugs? And he goes, What if I did? What about that? You know, so I get I said, So I guess that's what you want to do is drink a drug. I mean party and have party, party, party. And he's like, So I, well, that's fine. You know, you're a man, you're an adult, you can do what you want. That's not my goal in life. Like, that's I'm I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not in my 20s. I've I've grown up. I that's not I'm not like, hey, let's go out and do shots, you know. That's that's not me. And I get his whole family drinks a lot, and that's his environment where he comes from. At work they drink, he's he's into whiskey and bourbon now because of his friends now. He he wasn't always into this as much as he is now. And he's changed, and I've changed, and he's you know, thinking about what things we would do. And I I keep going back to, and I think this is what uh why I'm up in the middle of the night. Why am I even married? You know, why do you get married? You you get married in my mind, you're getting married because you're you're going to do better for the world, right? You're you're going to give to God, your community, society, you're gonna raise children, you're going to work for community, you're going to make the world a better place, in my mind. That's like that's what that's why you're getting married. Because why else do it, right? I didn't get married to party. That that wasn't it. I mean, I didn't need to get married to party. You know, I had all these lofty dreams and wants. I I wanted our kids to volunteer. I remember telling them, you know, I always that was always a big deal to me. I always wanted our kids to volunteer, but we had a 12-year age gap, and yeah, they had to get to a certain age before one parent could go with them. I needed him to watch the other kids so I could take those kids. Or we had to find something where all of our family could volunteer. It was very hard to find places where you could take your whole family and volunteer. And it never worked out the way I wanted it to because he didn't want to do that. Like that was never going to be part of his plan. And that's fine. I'm not belly aching because he's different than me and he wants different things. But we weren't on the same page, you know, like that sounds horrible to him. Why would you do that? I picked up homeless people and he was totally okay with me doing it and bringing them home because I had already done it. I mean, what was he gonna do? Kick them out. I guess he could have, but he was okay with it. I did feel called by God to pick them up. So, but he he's put up with my wants of missionary work or volunteer work or bringing homeless people home or giving money to certain to the construction worker or whatever it was. He he kind of he puts up with it. I don't think he admires it, you know. Like I put up with his drinking, I don't admire it. We're not on the same page, and I get that. Even our reason for being married, I don't even know what he thought going into marriage was about. You know, I thought we'll spend time together, we'll grow up together, we'll do things together, we'll raise our kids together, we'll be together. And somewhere along the way, I think it was three and a half years ago when this all first started happening, but really probably a year and a half ago, something happened. I'm not sure what happened a year and a half ago exactly. I really don't know the exact point. I know that there's been a lot of difficulties trying to deal with the estrangement, trying to deal with me trying to get in touch with my kids and him being between us and him not really facilitating or working to make that happen for our family to repair and restore. I almost feel like he's at this point, I'm feeling like he's kind of hijacked the whole uh relationships and everything. And it's hard. It's a hard situation. But for a year and a half, we haven't been on the same page. I've got pictures from just like a year and a half ago where, you know, two years, a year and a half, two years ago, where we're out and we're doing things and we're getting along and we're going to church and and things are better. We're sleeping in the same bed, thing, things are better. But I guess it's been probably about a year, year and a half now that things haven't. And and I've tried here and there, you know, I've really tried. I I think I remember us holding hands in in a movie theater on the way into a movie theater and sitting next to each other, and I realized that hey, uh, we might not be able to talk, we might not be able to get along, but we can go to the movies together. And that was supposed to be the last thing that we did as a family. It was going to a movie together, and he had ordered the tickets, and he ordered them at the wrong place accidentally, and he was really mad, and he was f-bombing, and this was right after church on a Sunday, and I just thought he's he's so angry, he's so upset, he's so mad. And so we ended up leaving, not going to a different movie or fixing the situation, and then he just he was just so mad and angry that that happened, and we haven't done anything as a family really since then, and I think that's been about three and a half, four months ago, and it's just it's just keeps getting worse and worse and spiraling. And it's like when you see this, you know, like I said, oozy wound in in the body of somebody and just the bleeding out, you would think that family, you know, loved ones, people would come and help and see and want to be there and help restore and repair, you know. If you don't have the the babysitters, that they would get babysitters. If if you don't have the money that they would give you money, if if if they knew of a good counselor or they knew of a good marriage retreat, they would help send you there. They would get the family together and have prayer meeting, or they would talk about it or discuss it. They would get you know, talk to the people at church, and the people at church would come to you know, kind of to your rescue and come support and help and be there, and and none of that is there. We have no family coming to or the rescue. His family's definitely not gonna be like, hey, it's a marriage of 32 years, you know, we've been together through 30 years, let's let's work on this. They're not gonna do that, they're gonna choose Team Mark because you know, I'm just somebody who's been in their life and helped them, you know, give them the grandkids and been here for him and done everything with him for 30 years. I'm just you know, so people when they're going through a divorce or something, they're just gonna choose whoever the blood is, they're not gonna listen to the other person's side of the story, they're not gonna, they're not gonna care. Nobody, uh nobody's gonna give a shit. And my church, my I I had a conversation three and a half months ago. Well, like after all this happened, I I that day, the next day, the 14th of March was when I went to Mark, and I was like, why are we still doing this? And at that point, I was 100% divorced. I was so tired of just being discounted and run over. And I mean, the whole, let me get drunk at a bar, let me not listen to you, let me leave you at the bar. And then the next day he justified his behavior, saying that he thought I was gonna leave. And I was like, I never intended to leave and said, in fact, multiple times I said I wasn't gonna up and leave. And he he justified his behavior because once before, sober, totally sober, after like seven minutes at a restaurant, I was really upset and dysregulated and frustrated. I left the him at I was like, forget this, Mark. We're not getting anywhere. It's not a productive conversation. I'm gonna leave. It was maybe 12 minutes into the company. I don't know. It was it was a rough situation. And I did leave, and I and I feel bad that I did leave. I wish I I could have stayed and worked that out. But he was basing his best behavior one of my worst times when I was dysregulated and we weren't talking, but I wasn't drunk and I didn't, it wasn't at all near I I didn't embarrass him in front of all the waitress and the the parishioners at the restaurant, you know. Like, I mean not parishioners, but the people two totally different situations. And I get this, I get that this is the world we live in, that you know, his family is not gonna come and people are gonna choose blood and all that. It makes me sad that even my church and they don't have a counseling department, nobody's there, but nobody has called. They know I'm not that Mark and I are getting divorced. They they've talked to the youth minister, I've talked to the pastor's wife, they know what's going on. My son got divorced and we were arguing in line because I was trying to figure out how I could keep the house and how things could get better and in line. And it was like because we weren't talking to each other, hardly seeing each other. And I was like, oh wow, I have them in line. I could talk to him here. Probably not the best looking back on it, but I was just trying to get conversation started because it's just constant avoidance and it's very frustrating. But nobody, nobody's calling, nobody's trying to actively help it at all. My kids aren't helping, you know, the younger ones or the older ones. Mark's family's not helping, my family's not helping, you know, there's nobody's gonna come to your rescue. And there's there's nowhere to go. There's there's nothing. And so while I'm sitting here thinking, number one, I am not loved and cared for and respected and admired and appreciated enough for this other human being being to want to spend time with me. He cares more about the things that he would be doing in the future than the person who is sitting across from him. And I think that says it all. You know, like it really says a lot that that's what he's worried about, what fun he's gonna do, what activities he's gonna do, what what we're gonna do. And maybe that's also because he went skiing, and that's what they do. They go skiing and they have fun and party, party, party. That's the life he wants. I can't, I mean, I I could sit here and watch him. I mean, Father's Day was recently, and I basically sat in the house and I worked and I packed boxes and cleaned the house and did stuff. He took the boys to church and came back, and they did a little yard work, and then he drank beers and sat out by the pool and hung out with the boys and turned on the music. Nobody ever checked on me, asked me what I was doing, how things were going. It was just we're separated. I mean, I don't know how to make things better. I I don't know how to make things better when things are so screwed up and he doesn't he doesn't care about me. I mean, like, there is no helping when the other person doesn't care about you. And as sad as that is, as heartbreaking as it is, that is my reality. I need to accept that reality. When I went to Duchetamine, and they have counselors there, and I was talking to one of them, and she was saying, basically, I have cognitive dissonance. She's like, What you keep doing is you keep saying how you want your life to be better, but then you keep saying where you're going to try to make your life better with your partner, with your life, with your family, and you're asking, but those people are incapable. And so it's like going to a well, and you have this well. This is my dog, this is my dog sleeping next to me, making that noise. It's like you're going to a well, a deep, deep well, and you've got your bucket and you want to get water from the well. So you keep putting the bucket down and trying to get water from it. And every time you put it down, you're like hopeful. You're like, maybe he'll work, maybe he'll change, maybe he'll work with me. Maybe things can get better. Maybe we can go to counseling. Maybe there's restoration and repair. Maybe you know, he'll do this, or we'll do this, or we can do this, or today is the first day of the rest of our lives. Maybe he'll see that. Maybe there'll be less blame and more accountability. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. Hope, hope, hope, hope. Wish, wish, wish, wish. Give, give, give. Try, try, try. And it's just no matter how many times I wish and hope and dream and pray put that bucket down to get that water, it's always coming up empty. It's coming up empty because he's more concerned about what he's gonna do in the future and how he's gonna party and what fun he's gonna have than he is about me. And it's heartbreaking that I'm married to somebody and that's my marriage, and that's my situation. It's heartbreaking. But at the same time, I'm really grateful because I know this. I've known this. I have been dealing with these kind of type scenarios and situations for so long. So, so long. I mean, I gave birth to my sixth kid basically by myself in the bathtub. He was there physically, and he'll say that too a lot of the time. I was there, but he was smoking pot in our backyard when I came to him and said, My Water broke, you know. I remember that. And and he was barely. I mean, I was screaming and holding onto the side of the the side of the tub, basically by myself, waiting for my friend to get there. The head was out before the midwife came. And I'm in the bathtub and I'm screaming. And he was standing against, you know, he was, it was just, I look back on it and I'm like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, that that happened. That was that was my life. And I think to this day, he swears that no, at midnight, it was like 1232 or something. He was he was in the backyard just just looking up at the stars or something. I don't know what he's saying, but he's not taking accountability. He's not saying he's sorry. He's that it is what it is. And so I just I went, oh well, it, you know, it is what it is. I need to reality check, no matter how much I used the word level up to him last night. I said, I want us to level up. That means I I loved you. I cared about you enough. I wanted us to grow. I wanted us to level up. I want our family to level up. I want people to stop avoiding conversation. I want us to work together. And I kept, you know, kind of, let's let's work for these goals. Let's try to move up. He's not interested. He didn't even like me using the word level up. He was like, you're using words like level up. It's like, okay, fine. You don't like those words. Let's find some different words. Let's talk about how we can heal and we can make things better. We can repair, we can restore, whatever. He didn't like the word. He, I don't know why, but he doesn't like it. He doesn't want to. And I can't, I can't make him. And I've said this before to him throughout our marriage. I feel like he's a puppy on a leash and I'm trying to pull him and get him to come on. Come on board with parenting. Come on board with homeschooling. Come on board with let's go to church or come on board with, you know, let's go to this counselor. Let's I kept trying and trying and trying, but he didn't want to. He was just, he did, he didn't want to. And so I would say, oh well, you know, he doesn't want to. Oh well, you know, it's not what I want, but you know, I gotta accept it. Do do do to do. Let's make excuses, let's make justifications, let's say it's all about God, it's all about what family, you know, family, it's what I'm supposed to be in this marriage because that's what you do. You work hard, you forgive people, you you keep going no matter what. You just give and you give and you give and you sacrifice and you you're long suffering. That's what you do, that's what you do in marriage. And and I come back from ketamine going, I don't really know if I believe that anymore. I mean, all these years, that's all I believed. I just stayed with it, you know. Marriage is hard. That's what I he said. He said it shouldn't be this hard, was one of his quotes. It shouldn't be this hard after 30 years. And I'm like, really? Where's the rule book on that? My first thought was who said it was gonna be easy? I don't remember getting married and going, oh, this is gonna be a cakewalk. I obviously didn't know it was gonna be this hard. I don't think anybody knows, you know, how hard and difficult marriage can be. But to me, I just I knew it was difficult and I just would make excuses uh and for myself and not stand up for myself. And I would say, well, you know, Carrie, everybody has a difficult marriage, everybody has a hard marriage, and you just gotta pray and you just gotta keep getting up and you gotta just keep digging in and you just gotta keep doing it. Doesn't matter if it's a Sunday morning and you're taking all the kids to church by yourself. I've done that before because he was hung over on the couch. I remember that day, you know, it's happened a few days, and I remember thinking, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, is this really my life? And I know that's how he was dealing with things, and that's how he was problem solving or dealing with the stress. And I get that, I get that, and I have empathy for that being his circumstance and situation. It just really wasn't conducive for the life I was trying to build, and it was really hard. And I remember crying and thinking, is this really my life? And looking around at the other men, thinking they're not at home drunk on the couch, you know. Maybe they were other times. I don't know. But I just I just kept going and I just kept going. And I would just and I don't want I'm trying not to say that anymore. I want love, I want compassion, I want empathy, I want caring, I want respect, I want trust, I want somebody who can recognize me and care about me enough to listen and not ask for bullet points. I want to be able to sleep at night where I'm not my cortisol levels aren't so freaking high that I'm up for hours and hours of the night. You know, when they were gone, just even out of the house to go, and I knew Friday night to Saturday night, I slept better. And then I knew they were coming back home Sunday night, and I I knew I had to make some money and have shows and do this and that, and I didn't sleep as well. And I I I I wish this wasn't the case, but I see the pattern now. I see the pattern that when we're arguing and I'm stressed out, I'm up in the middle of the night for sometimes two, three, four hours. It's not healthy, it's not good. His way to deal with things has always been to drink drugs or sleep. He goes to bed early, you know, he'll be home for like an hour and go to bed really early. I think on Sunday night he went to bed at 7:30. I was like, wow. But I'm heartbroken on one end going, this is so sad. This was this isn't the way I wanted it to end. I didn't. I wanted him to be able to say, you know what, we've been together for a really long time. We don't want to get divorced. That's why we stayed married. We wanted to work hard. You know, I came from a divorced family, he came from a divorced family, and I I really wanted him to say, no, we can do better, we can work at this. There's a reason that we got married, there's a reason we've been together all these years. We have kids, we have a family, we have a legacy, we can do better, I can work harder, we can we can pray together, we can see a counselor together. I wanted that so bad. I wanted that so bad. Gosh, I just it makes me so sad to even just say it because that's what I want. But that's not what he can give. That's that cognitive dissonance, that's me sticking my my bucket in the well, just wanting it to come up a certain way, for him just to be able to, as I said, level up, to to bring it, to, to try, to give, to invest. And he's just unfortunately, he's not capable. And I I hope somehow in all of this he learns how to be more capable. It's heartbreaking to me that he can't be there and meet me and we can't work on things and it can't get better. But I'm realizing the bucket scenario. I know it's a bucket scenario. I I see it. Every counselor up there, every one of them, uh, throughout all the counseling and the talks, every single person could see it. Everybody kept saying the same thing to me, and they were like, you need to be aware of this. You need to be, and I am super, super, super aware. Because you can either accept the person for where they are, or you can leave, and that's where it is. He can't accept me for where I am, and how I'm I'm I'm showing up or not showing up, or saying, or not saying, or whatever. He can't accept me, and I I can't accept him. I I can't accept being treated the way I've been treated anymore. That March 13th, and him acting like it was totally fine to put me in that scenario in that situation, was it was not fine. And I I can't I I choose to show up for myself. I think that's the difference. I would have said before, I I can't keep doing this, I can't keep doing this. I'm thinking I'd probably said, you know, um almost a million times throughout my marriage, crying and leaving the house, you know, either in the car to get a break or to take a walk or go to a park or whatever, and just crying and going, God, I can't do this, God, I can't do this, and just begging God and asking and pleading, God, please, please, please. And and now I don't I don't know what God's doing. I don't know if he's doing I mean, I don't know, I don't know what he's doing. Maybe he knew this was part of my life plan, just like cancer was, just like CPTSD was. Maybe he knew all along that this was this was inevitable. This was part of our plan. It says that God doesn't, you know, like divorce, and my mom points that out to me time and time again, like I'm the only one in this marriage. I'm like, mom, why aren't you calling him and talking to him about where he is instead of blaming me? But get in line. It seems like everybody wants to blame me, which is fine. That's fine. They can, that's where they're at. They can blame me. I am going to change the narrative. And instead of saying, God help me, God help me, please, please, I can't do this anymore, and crying and feeling so forsaken and so disappointed and so heartbroken, time and time again, and just, you know, as he's Mark has been, you know, putting whatever the circumstance, the situation, the need, and just, you know, not repairing, not restoring, not putting the time, the energy, the talk, whatever, and just pushing big things, huge things, like four kids not talking to their mom under the rug and not talking about it and listening to me and caring enough about me. He's been pushing all that under the rug. I am going to not allow that anymore. I'm going to choose to take care of me. And I'm sorry if it upsets God. I'm sorry if it upsets my family. I'm sorry if it upsets our generation and our legacy. I am really sorry about that. But this is this is the best I got right now. And I've got to choose me at some point in my life because I have been choosing everybody else for so long. I mean, they were like, Carrie, all you do is I would sit there and I would say, I don't like the way things are, and then I would make excuses and justifications. And they were like, All you do is make excuses and justifications. And I'm like, I know, but God, and I know, but, and that's another thing I'm trying to do is not say but as much. I'm trying to say, and I know that, and I'm going to make a change. I recognize that, and I would like to see how we can move forward, whatever, instead of saying, but, you know, there's all these things I've learned and lessons I've got and places I want to go. And so I'm going to choose to look at this as a positive. I'm going to choose because last night I was walking around my block with my friend Jennifer on the phone. And I was saying, I almost, you know, spiraling when you get depressed and upset. I've gone to the point where it's just like you just want to die. Not that I have a suicidal plan or anything like that, but you're just you just so tapped out, you're so done, and you're just so heartbroken. That's all you want is you want death. And I remember saying that to her, and then I quickly reframed it. I was capable of doing that now, which I don't think I was before. After going and doing five ketamine treatments, I'm in a different place, headspace, and I see things differently, and I can function at a different level right now. And I quickly went, that's crazy. I need to have grace and mercy for myself. I need to care about myself. That's not a healthy way to think. And sure, it makes complete sense that you're having those thoughts. And yeah, it's terrible, and it is horrible. And this is not gonna be easy. This is gonna be super difficult. There's gonna be all kinds of yelling and bitterness and name-calling and blaming, and it's gonna happen, and I'm gonna get defensive, but I'm gonna get frustrated, and I it's gonna be awful, and I'm probably gonna have lots of sleepless nights and lots of really tearful days and nights, and it's gonna be awful. Is it what I want? No. Is it where I think we're at? Yes. And going forward, I I've got those realizations that no amount of me talking or pleading or saying I'm sorry or trying to have conversations is gonna work. Because if it's not perfect, if it's not exactly the way he wants it, it's not it's not happening. And I can't I can't make that happen. I the best I can do is the best I can do. And when I'm trying and I'm I'm trying to have the conversations, and I say the wrong thing, and they don't like what I've said or what I've done or how I've done it or whatever, and they're not listening to the humanity of me just having enough respect for humans, just not even there. I I I can't do anymore. I can't. So today is Tuesday, I guess. We're on yeah, no, wait, is today Tuesday? Yeah, today is Tuesday. And I'm gonna fast another day, and I'm gonna just keep praying, and I'm gonna ask God for direction, and I'm gonna keep. I mean, even I was even praying last night before Mark even sat down. I was like, God, please help him not be defensive. Please help this conversation to go well. Please help me to, you know, stick up for myself, you know, when when he starts, when he started changing, he wasn't gonna answer my question, you know, like, hey, that's not what this is about. I did stick up for myself. I said, hey, Mark, that's you were supposed to come and tell me what you've been thinking. In fact, you said you were going to tell me when you got back from the skiing trip on Monday night tonight. That's you're on, bud. And instead, he was getting mad at me because I wasn't telling him about my retreat. I get now that he was like trying to make a connection with me, but how was I supposed to know that? He didn't say that. I'm not a mind reader, so I didn't want to start talking about that. I wanted to hear how he what he was thinking, what he was going through. And he wasn't telling me, hey, you know, I really missed you, I really care about you, I really want our marriage to work. He he's not saying any of that. Just like my kids aren't picking up the phone when I call them. I can't make people do things, I can't control things, I can't. All I can do is my best. And I'm trying, and that's all there is to it. And I guess I guess that's it. I've been talking for a whole hour now. Yeah, that's it, that's enough. And I don't know if anybody's listening to this or if anybody cares. I know that initially this was gonna be about helping people, because that's always what I that's that's part of my heart. That's what I want to do is help other people because I feel like I've been left and abandoned and hurt and abused and discounted and you know whatever. And I don't want other people to feel like that, and so it's like I want to come alongside other people who are going through this, somebody else who's dealing with something and maybe struggling with these type of things. You know, we're all human, we're all suffering, we're all going through something at one time or another. And if you're not, guess what? You're going to be. I mean, most people on this planet don't go through trouble-free marriage isn't easy as much as my husband would like to think it's supposed to be easy. It's not always, and and sometimes, especially when you come from dysfunctional divorced families and families who really can't give you the support and and love and care and you know help that you're needing as a married couple, it's it's difficult. It's a bit difficult. I don't know. I don't know if I'm gonna keep these podcasts up or not. I have other podcasts for work and then I have the podcast for the for going and doing the ketamine treatments. So right now I have three podcasts, a work one, and then the ketamine one, and this one, and I'm paying $125 an hour. I mean, an hour feels like it right, you know. My financial situation is bleak to say the the best. It's really that's another layer on top of this, is our financial situation is so desperate and bleak, and that's really hard. I told my husband I was going to try to find a full-time job so that we can send our kids to homeschool program instead of him going to public school. So I guess add that to my list of everything else on that I'm dealing with, but it is what it is. I don't know where I was going with that. I was going somewhere with that, but I don't remember. At the end of the day, I don't know if I'll keep these podcasts up or not, and I don't know if it's helping anybody, but there is a place I think where you can message me here on this, so feel free to. Yeah, I I guess that's all I got. That's all I got. I think this for me has been cathartic, and because nobody else is listening to me, if somebody, I know there's people listening to it because I see the numbers of the people who listen to this and my other podcast, it's cathartic for me to get it off my chest. And I haven't gone back and listened to any of these, but I imagine and I hope I'm going to really reframe this narrative instead of being sad. I'm gonna constantly obviously have some grief and some mourning and all of this, but I'm going to try my best to reframe it and say, okay, you know what? God is closing this door or allowing it to be closed, and I'm going to open a new door with every ending, is a new beginning, and I'm going to try to think positive and continue to do the best I can because that's all I got. That's all any of us got, you know, and it might not be the way you want things to be. This is not definitely the lowest my life has ever been. I've got four kids who don't talk to me, estrangement. I don't have a church, and it looks like I'm going to be having to sell my house and get a job. That's not the best scenario. But I'm still going to choose to believe that God is good. He has a path for me. I'm not always going to be here. There is an opportunity for things to get better. I don't know. I don't know where we're going. But I hope for my my life that it'll it'll get better. And if it's more suffering that I have to do, that that I can learn from it, and I can gain wisdom and knowledge, and I can use that for good, and I can help others. That's really my goal. If if I have to suffer, that I can suffer well. And that maybe someday I can get out of the suffering. Maybe someday it's a little less. And it has its ups and downs, of course, but I can be in positive relationship with people who are willing to communicate and respect and restore and repair and grow and develop and love and cherish and care and be each other's cheerleaders and listen to one another and learn from one another and have compassion and gratitude and kindness. Those are things I'm gonna hope for and pray for. All right. Well, that's it. Y'all have a great day. Bye bye.