Morning Thoughts - Part 2

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Okay, I'm back. I had to get my kid to work and I let him drive and he's going above the speed limit. He was going 45 and a 30 at one point. And I keep telling him, slow down, slow down. And I'm like, Hudson, if you do not slow down, I am not going to keep letting you drive with me. You can have your dad do it all because if you can't, you know, uh acknowledge, because I'm I'm driving, I can't listen to you at the same time. He doesn't usually do that, but I think it's because I was saying a prayer and in the prayer, because we always say good morning, God, and say a prayer. In the prayer, I said, God help us figure out the divorce and stuff. So I think that might have triggered him and he was disrespectful and he was rude. He, I'm sure he probably doesn't want to hear about his parents getting divorced and his dad being non-communicative and me praying for his communication. You know, that might have not been been the best. But he got out of the car and I was like, that's it. Until you can, you know, be kind and you know, say yes, ma'am, and and you know, follow through with listening to me say slow down and and you can, I'm not gonna keep doing it. And I think that's a a good healthy boundary that, you know, if I'm taking a kid to drive, they have to be able to listen to me. Um, he's learning to get his license, you know. That that's part of the part of the deal, buddy. If you want me to help you drive, you're going to have to listen to me as I tell you to slow down. I think it was like three or four times in the drive that wasn't very far at all, that I had to say, slow down, slow down. And uh he was running late, he, you know, and so he's trying to speed up, even though, you know, it doesn't matter if he's a minute or two late. But known for his punctuality, which I appreciate. Uh yeah, we don't speed in in a car that weighs, you know, what, two thousand. I don't even know how much my car weighs, but it's a lot. And we're not taking chances, and I'm trying to teach him the right thing. And and so, you know, it's it's that kind of thing that I'm like, you know what? I did I've done this parenting thing for 29 years, and it has not been a cakewalk. It has been, there's been wonderful, beautiful, amazing times, but there's also this, you know, dealing with frustrations and right now a little, you know, teenage angst or irritability. And it's frustrating, it's hard. And so, you know, maybe this last year, the husband can, you know, who I'm divorcing, the ex-husband, I don't even like saying husband anymore, he can deal with it, you know, he can deal with the driver's license and and deal with the angst of, you know, if somebody says something and you know, all of it. I just I don't even know where I was before he opened the door and, you know, said, come on, get in the car real quick, because I didn't know if he was up and I, you know, I I didn't know. So, anyways, where I'm at is, and I'm just wrapping this up as best I can. I think that in a nutshell, we all have responsibilities. We have responsibilities to ourselves, we have responsibility to family, responsibility to God, responsibility to your neighbors, your community, you know, who you're in life with, right? You have a certain amount of responsibility. And, you know, even even that, that's why I wanted to stay with my kid. I was like, I have the responsibility, but at the same time, I've taken on the most of the load for this family for all these years. It was me. He went to work and he provided. I'll give him that. But everything else, it was on my shoulders. Everything from holidays to birthday parties to trying to make ends meet with finances that were always tight, you know, just like all of it. And that's one of the reasons our marriage and everything is is falling down, because it was not equal in this at all. And so now I'm trying to figure out what's my responsibility going forward. What's my responsibility? Because I don't have a relationship with four of my six kids. So no responsibility there because you know, they have to pick up a phone. It has to be a two-way street. Maybe I write one final farewell letter note to them and have their dad give it to them because they don't even pick up the phone. I'm blocked, all of it. But they'll talk to him, which is hilarious because obviously they're not remembering the whole story. But whatever. I'm not gonna tell them. It's not, they don't need they don't want to hear my story. They don't want to hear my, so you know, whatever. But going forward today, I'm like, what's my responsibility? What's my responsibility in the divorce? What's my responsibility with the finances? What's my responsibility with the kids? And I think it matters. I think to be a good human being in this world, you need to try to do your best to live as a responsible person. Um, even as a daughter, I have a responsibility to my mom. And I got upset with her the other day because for four plus months she's been coming over to my house going, God works miracles, God hates divorce, God. And I was like, mom, for four months I've been saying the same thing to you. My husband is not who you think he is, and he is not trying, and you're just putting this all on me and telling me that I need therapy and I gotta do this. You're not seeing the whole picture. So you need to pick up the phone and call Mark and have a conversation with him. And, you know, she's just basically making me feel like complete shit. She, you know, what I'm doing is horrible. She's there's no support whatsoever. She doesn't agree, whatever. That's fine. She doesn't have to agree. The woman's 78 years old. I don't expect her to change or to be this person who understands and gets it or listens even. She's never gonna be that person. And that's fine. I think I had some cognitive dissonance there too, where I hoped and dreamed and believed that this woman would actually care about what I words I was saying. And she didn't even really listen. I mean, she was listening just enough to respond and tell me how I was wrong and I need to listen to her. And it's like, gosh, I was in that relationship with my mom. Now I remember that relationship with my husband. I see it, I see it, you know, like there is no, you know, and it is what it is. And I I so I got her out of the house and I was like, this is it, mom, you know, I need some time because I need people around me that are supportive and can listen and, you know, whatever. I don't need this negative talk while I'm going through one of the, you know, most difficult times of my life. And so I just said, Well, I'm distancing from you for a little bit, you know, trying to do better than my kids did, which isn't hard because they didn't do anything like that to say, hey, let's sit down and let's talk about it. I did sit and talk to my mom. I had her over. I was cleaning my refrigerator and I was telling her, you know, about this. She said I was getting, you know, yelling at one point. And I was like, mom, I am not yelling. I am talking passionately and I'm I'm very strong in my words and what I'm saying because for four months you've been on this same narrative trip that I'm wrong, you're not listening, you know. And I was hopeful, and and now afterwards, I'm like, what a waste of my time and my energy to even try to get her to be convinced that this is where I'm at, and and to listen to my side of the story and to hear me. It was a waste because sometimes people have their narratives, their stories so strong that they can't hear anybody else's point of view or place and any of that. And that's where she is. So I do still have a responsibility to her. She is my mom. I love her. I, you know, I don't want to argue with her, but I thought I had to take care of her in her old age. But and I want to, you know, I want to be there for her if she has health problems or issues. But to what point? I think that's really where it is, you know. Like, I hate the word boundaries really. I just think that it got manipulated and twisted too much to give people an excuse to be awful to one another. I get that there's boundaries that, you know, oh, I have self-boundaries. I don't go down dark alleyways with, you know, weird men that I just met, you know, that I don't know. That's a boundary line. I, you know, recently I met have a new friend, and she, her boundaries are time-wise when she goes on a date. Her first date is only one hour. I mean, no hugging, no kissing, no hand holding, nothing. One hour. She doesn't go past one hour. Her second date is two hours, you know. That's a boundary. I get that. But boundaries today are oh, that, you know, name calling and saying that person's this and that person's that. So I'm not having anything to do with them anymore. Yes, my mom's upsetting me. Yes, it's frustrating. Yes, it's difficult, but I would never do that to my mom. And so I said, I just need some time to be around supportive people and get through this. So I don't want us to see and talk to each other for, I don't know, a week or two, I think is what I said, while I'm figuring this out. And I called her after that, and I said, you know, some more stuff and left an audio message. I said, you know, look, I'm sorry that you don't agree with me, and I'm sorry, but you don't get a decision here. She is 78, I am 55. She doesn't get an opinion in my life at this point. I know where she stands. She's been on it, hemming and hollering for four months in my face about how horrible this is. And you know, God works things out. And if I do therapy, everything's gonna be better, which is hilarious because I've already done therapy, I've done counseling, I had a psychiatrist, I've done all this. Mark hasn't done any of it. He went to one counselor one time, and I didn't even really like that counselor. He was kind of he wasn't really a strong counselor, I don't think. Anyways, I I've gone to ketamine, I'm in a different place, and I I want to do the best I can for myself and other people, and it's trying to figure out what that balance is. Do I have to live three miles down the road from my mom for the rest of my life? I don't know. I'm I'm revisiting that, you know. Would it be best case scenario that we get along wonderfully all the time and she could move in with me and we could share a house and a life? Yes, that would be best case scenario, but that's not gonna happen because that's too much closeness, and and I think it would drive me nuts. I I want a relationship with her and I want to see her, but do I need to see her as often as I am? I mean, there's people in this planet who move from one country to another and only see their you know parents one time, you know, a year or maybe two times a year or whatever. We live in this world where we have phones and instant access 24-7 and believe that everybody should have access to us 24-7. And come. My mom doesn't even knock on my door anymore, she just like walks in the house. So if I'm just out of the shower, or if the dogs are what my house is a mess, there's there's no privacy. She just comes right on in. If she hears me in the shower, she'll sit and wait or go through my fridge or whatever. And that's fine. That's just who she is, and I accept it and I move on. Does it have to be that way? No. Uh if I'm gonna move, I don't need to stay here and I can move somewhere else. So just trying to figure out what this looks like going forward, what my responsibilities are. Once I'm divorced, I don't feel like I have a responsibility to him at all, at all, because he made his choice, he made his decision, and I don't think I ever need to see or talk to him again, ever. Like, you know, if our family was working towards things and we had birthdays and holidays together, and you know, in the future, you know, my daughter with the grandkids invited us all over for Christmas or something, and we all went in for Christmas, flew in, and had Christmas together, you know, yeah. But do I see that in my future? No. Am I hoping for that anymore? No. And maybe that's self-preservation, you know, just me not hoping anymore. I mean, I told myself a lie that I would never go to California in my mind because I had been disappointed by our finances and our situation so long, I didn't want to believe it again, that we could take a road trip, that we could afford the plane tickets, that it could ever happen. For years, we told our kids they were gonna get to go to Disney World. And uh instead of preparing it and planning and saving for it and whatever, and then going when my last kid was five, which was oh, you know, 11 years ago, it never happened. It never happened. There was always a reason it couldn't happen, you know, a a variable in life, whatever. But it got to be to the point where I didn't keep believing and hoping anymore that we could travel and we could go to California. So I set it up in my mind that no, I'm not ever going to California. Then when I got back from ketamine, I realized that I had told myself that lie to help myself get over the disappointment aspect. And I was willing to go to California, but nobody's by this point, nobody gives a shit, you know. Um, I asked my husband, could he call and no, you can't go, no, you can't go. And I'm like, but our kids are gonna be there, somebody can babysit, and I can go out and talk, and she, wherever she is mentally, she's not capable of it. You know, right now I'm just calling them the incapables. And that's sad. I hope someday that their maturity and their capability and what they're willing to allow in their life can grow, you know. But when you have this amount of vitriol and vindictiveness and desire to punish another person and just hard-heartedness, I I don't I can't keep living in cognitive dissonance. I have to see the world for what it is. I can't keep putting on rose-colored glasses, hoping and dreaming and wishing and believing that things are gonna change. And I know that. And so, with the scenario and the circumstances and the you know, the situation what it is, where do I want to live? Who do I want to be with? How would I like to show up in this world? How do I want to give of myself, my time, my energy, and also who's gonna be grateful for it? Who's gonna want it? I'm not, I don't want to be in my kids' life if this is how they're gonna, you know, F middle finger me on everything I say, do, or text. I mean, I sent two sentences to my son-in-law, and it was, I don't know, I don't have it anymore, but it was something like, you know, I'm really disappointed or sad that, you know, you didn't return my call. I waited like 48 hours, and I'm I hope in the future that you'll you guys will work on communication. I stand by whatever it was. It wasn't anything bad, it was two sentences. And my husband in an argument was like, you sent a bad, you know, like, and I'm like, where is the grace? I sent two sentences. Why did they have to, you know, go at everything with this dark, horrible, hateful, you know, just reframe it, you know? I mean, I could say, my mom's horrible. She comes in my house, and I could re- I could frame it that way. Or I could say, that's just who my mom is. Give her some grace. She's older, she wants to have this relationship where she feels comfortable coming into my house. You know, it's not comfortable for me, but I'm willing to make allowances because that's what you do for family, and that's the way things should be. And so that's what I'm trying to do. I've made allowances and excuses and justifications and and you know, forgiveness so many times in my marriage, and because that's what you're supposed to do. And I did it and I showed up. So my marriage is not a failure the way I'm seeing it. I worked hard here, just like I did with my kids. I feel like if anything, if I'm falling, I'm falling upwards, you know. If failing, I'm failing up because it's not me who's the final say on this. This is Mark. He's the one who's not working towards this. I did everything in my power, and I said, I am willing to do this because going to a counselor one hour a week per, you know, what we've done that before. Didn't work. And really, you know, and the other thing that's so funny is we've never really spent a lot of time and energy working on our marriage because we were too busy working on everything else. And the word work, he doesn't even like that word. So there's no you know, there's no way you can work with somebody who doesn't even believe in the word work, you know. He thinks it's all supposed to be fun and games and it's not supposed to be hard. And you can't, I you can't reason with that. There's just nothing I can do about it. But I know that I know that I gave it what I had. I tried, I came, I I did the best I can. And I am proud of that, just like I'm proud of raising my kids and having schools. My mom, you know, when she was digging at me the other day, she goes, You've started so many things and failed. And I'm like, No, I didn't. I did good. I'm I'm okay. There's a lot of people who never even start things. Yes, I had a university model school. Yes, I worked hard at getting it up and going, and I had a program that, you know, I was part of this whole thing. I've done these things. I had a gift basket business. I, you know, have worked for this company. You're right. You you start things and things end. There's beginnings and ends. You're right. I'm not doing the same job I was, you know, way, way back in the day. I don't see that as a failure. My mom somehow has twisted it and manipulated it in her head or whatever. Her narrative is, oh, my daughter has failed at things. Yeah, okay, fine. Let's get that quote from Benjamin Franklin. You know, I think it's Sam. Every, you know, every time you mess up is another time to learn how not to do it or what you didn't like, you know. And I I definitely look at this marriage like this. I mean, going forward, I think I am in a great place because I know what kind of husband I'm looking for. I know what I'm willing to put up with, I know the relationship, the communication style, the family, the encouragement, like all of it because I've lived with what I don't want, right? And so now I can clearly, clearly see what I do want and what I'm willing to accept and what I'm not willing to accept. And I will never ever marry somebody that I hope can be better and stronger and work harder. When I met my husband, he was a whole hot mess. And I thought I will be the heir, you know, behind his wings, you know, that song from Shrek or whatever. I was gonna be there to be his support and help him and grow him and be here for him. And he was going to grow and develop and work, and we were both gonna succeed and level up. And he doesn't even like the word level up, so words, phrase. So, you know, at this point, I have to move on, I have to do the best I can. I have to think about my responsibilities, but not just to everybody else anymore. I have to think about my responsibilities to me, which wow, that's huge. That's huge. But I am resilient. I have gone through a whole lot in my life, like a whole lot. I've raised six kids, I've been in a marriage for 31 years almost in December, almost in January. It's 31 years. I have moved houses, I've had breast cancer twice, I've almost died in car wrecks. I mean, like, there's been so many things that have happened in my life. And here I am at 55, and I've learned from those things, and I've gained wisdom and understanding and capacity. I've got capacity now. You know, when I had CPTSD four years ago, I was incapable, just like my kids are incapable right now. My nervous system shut down. I did not have the tools, I was not, I was a hot mess. I could barely even sleep. I was losing chunks of time. We had to get rid of a dog because it was barking at the front door and my nervous system couldn't handle it. I couldn't leave, I couldn't drive. It was, it was really, really bad. It's not something I intentionally did. Now let's point that out. There's a difference between intention and unintentionality. I didn't intentionally go to screw over my kids by having CPTSD. That was never my intention. Never ever was it my intention. What my kids are doing, this is intentional. You can't not talk to somebody for almost four years and not be intentional. They know what they're doing. So I think that's a key factor. And my husband, you know, if he doesn't respond to a text or if he's a jerk or he, you know, gets drunk at a bar and leaves me, you know, what he obviously, when you're drunk, you're not altogether there. But he intentionally was drinking. He knew what he was doing. You know, he's almost 57 years old. You know what you're doing, buddy. You know, so I have to look at that too, and the intention of his words and what his actions and how he's not showing up or showing up and and how he's you know constantly telling me, uh, you know, blah, blah, blah. And how he's not listening, etc. etc. I have to look at responsibilities, intentionalities, and my future and what that looks like. And so going forward, that's really where I'm at. I'm I'm kind of using these as almost like a journal so I can go back and look and listen to them. I feel like I'm just growing and developing and understanding and seeing, and just I'm in such a better place. I mean, just even if you had talked to me two, three months ago, I was still living this belief and hope and dream that he's gonna change, he's gonna listen, he he might, you know. I they they left to California. He took my two kids, went to California, held my grandbaby. And everything without me. Didn't even show pictures when he got back. I kept thinking and hoping maybe they'll all have a conversation and say, hey, mom has value. Mom was there for us. Mom tried her best. And maybe he'll come back and he'll say, we all talked about it and we decided we want to work on our family. We want to put it together. I was actually having like these hopeful fantasy dreams that that was going to happen. And of course, he got back and barely spoke a word to me. And my mom the other day said, Oh, he's going to work on the marriage, is what I heard when he got back from California. No, he never worked on the marriage. No, no, he didn't. No, that's not true. So the reality in this fantasy world that I've been living in, I can't do it anymore. I have to go, no, this is who he is. This is how he doesn't show up, or this is how he does show up, you know, and this is what he's willing to give, and this is what he's not willing to give, and this is where I find my life. Is it what I wanted? No. But this is my reality. And so I have to do the best I can with it. And I have to get moving on. I'm trying to be positive every day and excited. I told my friend last night on the phone, I said, I am in a good place. I'm gonna kick ass. I'm gonna get divorced from this jerk and I'm gonna find somebody who gives a shit about me and cares about me and is willing to show up and be communicative and care. And I want to be somebody's best cheerleader and cheer them on, and I want them to cheer me on. And I want it to be healthy and strong. And if we have issues, we bring it to the table and talk about it and realize that nothing is too big to deal with. Everything can be dealt with. Even if somebody's mad or upset, you can still have conversations, you can still listen to the other person, you can still care. And so I'm excited. I'm excited. I mean the skies are blue. I'm seeing these, I'm in the car in the front of the house, and I'm seeing these birds fly around. And all morning, I was having my coffee out earlier, and I'm just seeing birds everywhere and these beautiful blue skies with white puppy clouds, and you know, the water hose for my neighbors going back and forth. And I'm just like so grateful and thankful for everything, even the bullshit that I'm dealing with. I I'm even that because it has made me a better, stronger, more capable, more intentional, more loving, more willing to work person. And I will rise. And that's that's what a friend of mine said. You know, it's like rise, you know, rising like a phoenix from the ashes. And that's what's gonna happen here. I'm going to have a better chance at a better life moving forward. And I I wish it could be with my kids and my husband. I really do. But reality is that's not where it is. And I have to accept reality. And no, I did my best and I tried my best, and I can't control anybody or make anybody do anything they don't want to do. And it's about their hearts and their relationships with God and what they're willing to sacrifice or put out. And, you know, I just I don't know. Maybe I'll see them on this side of heaven, and maybe it'll be in heaven when the justice and the reality comes true. I pray that. I pray so much because I feel kind of like a convicted murderer or something who's gone to jail, been accused, been big, you know, told, you know, you're this, and this is who you are, and this is what you did. That's how I feel. And then the guy gets exonerated because the DNA test proves he wasn't there and it was another guy, you know, whatever. And I feel like when we get to heaven, I'm hopeful that justice will be that the reality of what I did, where I was, what I put up with, what I worked for, what I tried, what I did. I I pray just like the DNA test, you know, for the convicted murderer or whatever, it the the truth will come out. I I just I that's happened with a friend of mine recently. It's taken her kids three years after their divorce to start seeing things and realize, oh, it wasn't all mom, you know. Oh, we believed this narrative, and oh, there's this other narrative over here. Took them three years. My kids aren't listening to my narrative, so who knows? They they've got their own narratives, whatever. But I am so hopeful that when we get to heaven, justice is going to be served and the truth shall come out, you know, if it if not on this planet. I really, really hope that when we get to heaven, that's how it'll be. I don't know. I don't know. I've got a couple books by Randy Alcorn about heaven and different books that I was gonna read and kind of go over those again. It's been a long time. Anyways, that's it. This was a long one between the two episodes, but that's where I'm at. And so I'm gonna drop these. I don't know who's listening to them. Nobody knows where I am or who I am or or any of that. But I'm hoping something that I said or did helps you. It helped my friend that I talked to the other day, just talking about the cognitive dissonance and how you just have to accept reality and do the best you can with reality. And if you don't know the whole story about the reality, figure it out, find it out. Right now, I don't know what the financial situation is with our bills and our house and you know, retirement and all that. So I need to sit down with this lady and get the information. I need to get the information. If you don't know the whole story, get the information, you know. And so that's what I'm gonna work on today is trying to get Mark on board with this and get moving and just keep thinking positive, praying, just keep moving. I'm trying to get 15,000 to 2,000 steps a day. I've been wearing a weighted jacket, you know, like thing, like a vest. And I've been getting my steps in and doing that and losing weight and feeling very, very positive. So, anyways, I hope this helps somebody in some way, even if it's a little entertaining for you to hear somebody else's perspective. I hope it does help somebody. Anyways, that's it. Hope you have a great day, and who knows when I'll be back. It's been uh, you know, three weeks, but a lot's happening right now, so maybe more so in the near future. Okay, bye bye bye.