When Leaders Get Blamed - Navigating The Heat

Being the leader doesn’t always mean being the decision maker. Sometimes it means walking into a room, delivering news you didn’t choose, and watching disappointment turn into anger in real time. 

If you’ve ever felt like “the villain in a story I didn’t write,” you’re not alone and you’re not failing at leadership. That moment is a pressure test of trust, communication, and emotional steadiness.

We unpack why being blamed for pay freezes, restructures, redundancies, and changes to working conditions is so destabilizing, and why many smart leaders accidentally make it worse by overexplaining or going defensive. Through a practical leadership development lens and a bit of neuroscience, we explore what happens when the amygdala takes over and why your carefully built business case won’t land until people feel heard. 

You’ll leave with language you can actually use to acknowledge frustration without surrendering authority.Then we get into one of the most liberating tools I teach in executive coaching: separating what you own from what you don’t. 

Using a simple two column clarity exercise, you’ll learn how to name boundaries with integrity, stop carrying shame that isn’t yours, and still show up with accountability where it truly is yours. 

We also cover the crucial flip side: when the decision is yours, owning it fully is the fastest path to preserving credibility.

If you want to lead through change management with more psychological safety and less burnout, press play. 

Subscribe for more, share this with a leader who needs it, and leave a review with the toughest “messenger” moment you’ve faced.

You can check out further details on my websites:

https://www.loisburtononline.com/

https://www.loisburton.co.uk/

email:  lois@loisburtononline.com

Leadership Horizons - Helping You Lead Beyond Boundaries 

Transcript

Feeling Like The Villain

Why Logic Fails Under Threat

Tip One Lead With Acknowledgement

Tip Two Separate What You Own

When You Must Own It Fully

Weekly Challenge And Key Takeaways

Share With A Leader And Closing

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Welcome back to Leadership Horizons. It's really great to see you here. So, today let's talk about something that doesn't get discussed nearly enough in leadership circles. And that's what happens when you as a leader become the lightning rod for decisions you didn't make or decisions you had to make but that your team really didn't like. I'm Lois Burton, Executive Coach and Leadership Development Specialist, and someone who's been coaching senior leaders and executive teams for 25 years. I started this podcast because I deeply believe that the way we led yesterday is simply not going to lead us into tomorrow. And today's episode is very much in that spirit. Because here's the truth: one of the most challenging and frankly least talked about experiences in leadership is being blamed for things that are bigger than you. Pay freezes when your team desperately wants a rise, restructures that mean people lose their jobs, changes to working conditions that feel like the ground has shifted beneath people's feet, and you as the leader are standing right in the middle of it. The reality is it's uncomfortable, it's very uncomfortable, but that's okay. Let me share an example. I worked with the director in the NHS, let's call her Fiona, who just had to deliver news about a restructure to her team. It wasn't her decision, it came from the board. But she was the one sitting in that room watching people's faces fall. And she told me, Lois, I feel like the villain in a story I didn't write. And that phrase has stayed with me because so many leaders I work with feel exactly that way. They're the messenger, they're the face of the organization. And when the news is hard, the emotions have to land somewhere, and they often land on the leader. Now, what most leaders do in that situation, and I say this with enormous compassion because it's a very human response, is they they either overexplain to justify themselves or they shut down and become defensive. And both of those responses, while completely understandable, tend to make things worse. What the neuroscience tells us is this when people feel under threat, whether that's financial threat, job threat, or threat to their sense of security, the amygdala kicks in, the emotional brain takes over. And when someone is in that state, lengthy justifications and corporate speak don't land. What people need first before anything else is to feel listened to. So here's tip one, and it's deceptively simple. Lead with acknowledgement, not explanation. When your team is upset about something, a pay rise they can't have, a restructure that's unsettled them, changes to the way they work, your first job is not to explain the business case. Your first job is to acknowledge that this is hard, that you're listening to them, that their feelings make complete sense. This might sound something like, and this is just a starting point, my words, not yours, but something like, I know this isn't what you were hoping to hear. I understand why you're frustrated. This is hard, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. No, I want to be really clear about something here. Acknowledging how people feel is not the same as agreeing with them, or abandoning your leadership position, or losing your authority. It's actually the opposite. The most influential leaders I've worked with are the ones who can sit in discomfort with their teams rather than running from it. The explanation can come later and it should, but if you lead with the facts before you've connected emotionally, people simply won't hear you. The brain won't let them. So lead with acknowledgement first. Second tip, separate what you own from what you don't. This is something I use regularly in coaching sessions with senior leaders who are really struggling. Separate what you own from what you don't. This is about psychological clarity, and it's genuinely one of the most liberating things a leader can get to grips with. When you're the person delivering difficult news, a restructure, redundancies, changes to conditions, there will be parts of that decision you were responsible for or contributed to, and parts that you weren't or you didn't. And being honest with yourself and where appropriate with your team about that boundary is not weakness, it's integrity. I worked with the CEO in manufacturing, very talented leader, about five years into a very complex transformation program. And he was being absolutely hammered by his leadership team for a decision about flexible working that had come from the parent company. He had no power over it, but he was carrying all the shame of it as if he'd made it himself. So we did a very simple exercise in our session. I asked him to write down in two columns what he owned in this situation and what he didn't. And what emerged was really powerful. He owned how he'd communicated. He owned the support structures he'd put in place. He owned his own ongoing advocacy for his team to the board. But the original decision, that wasn't his to carry. And once he was clear on that, he went back to his team and said, I want to be straight with you. This decision came from above me. And I fought for a different outcome. I didn't get it. But here's what I'm going to do. And that honesty changed everything. His team stopped blaming him because he'd stopped taking on blame that wasn't his to take. Now, important caveat: there will be times when you do own a decision where it's yours and yours alone. And in those moments, the same principle applies, but flipped. Own it fully. Leaders who try to deflect responsibility for their own decisions lose trust fast. So the clarity has to go both ways. Also, a second important caveat. Sometimes you have to say, I did fight for a different decision, but I understand that this decision is what's best for the company as a whole. And we have to make it work. So you're not saying the decision was yours, but you are saying, I get it. I I've listened to the reasons that the decision was made, and I get it, and we have to make it work. So let's bring this together. Being blamed as a leader, particularly for things that are bigger than you, is genuinely one of the harder parts of the role. It doesn't get talked about enough, and too many brilliant leaders suffer in silence because they think they should just be able to handle it. You can handle it, and you can do it in a way that actually builds trust rather than erodes it. Lead with acknowledgement first and get clear on what you truly own and what you don't. So, here's your challenge this week. Think about a situation, current or recent, where you've been on the receiving end of blame or frustration from your team. Ask yourself those two questions. Did I lead with acknowledgement and am I carrying responsibility that isn't mine to carry? Even five minutes of honest reflection on those two questions can shift your perspective enormously and shift how your team experiences you. If this resonated with you, I'd love for you to share it with another leader who might need to who might need to hear it right now. And as always, you can find about out more about my work with senior leaders and executive teams at LinkedIn or Lois Burtononline.com. Until next week, keep pushing the boundaries and keep leading forward.