Honor the Love That Was Present | The Parent Who Showed Up

We often spend years grieving the parent who wasn't there, chasing the love we deserved, hoping one day things will be different.

But what if our healing also requires us to honor the parent—or caregiver—who consistently showed up?

In this heartfelt solo episode of Breaking Curses with Excellence, Christina Russell explores why so many of us can become consumed by the love, approval, or attention we didn't receive that we unintentionally overlook the person who faithfully carried the responsibility of being there.

This isn't only about absent parents.
Sometimes both parents are physically present, yet one parent carries most of the emotional support, guidance, encouragement, discipline, daily care, or sacrifices that keep a family together. Sometimes that person is a grandparent, stepparent, foster parent, sibling, aunt, uncle, or another caregiver who quietly stepped into the gap.

This episode is an invitation to recognize those people.

Not to dismiss the pain of what was missing—but to acknowledge the love that remained.

In this episode you'll discover:
Why we naturally long for validation from those who couldn't or wouldn't give it
How that longing can cause us to overlook the people who consistently loved us
Reflection questions to help you recognize the quiet sacrifices made on your behalf
Practical ways to express gratitude to the people who showed up
Why honoring consistent love is a powerful step toward healing and breaking unhealthy cycles

Healing doesn't mean pretending your wounds don't exist.

Healing also means learning to recognize, appreciate, and celebrate the people who chose to love you consistently—even when their sacrifices weren't always noticed.

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https://TheRusMix.com⁠

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Welcome to this episode of Breaking Curses with Excellence. I'm your host, Christy Christina. I'm gonna talk about something today based off of what I've seen. You know, many times I speak to parents. I have a few episodes where I speak to parents. This one is gonna be directed at kids and specifically adult children, but also young adults, you know, uh later teens because of what I've experienced and what I've seen, right? Um many times we were raised, and this is directed at both parents when you had both parents at home, or you were in a single parent home. Many times I see mothers, I've had mothers ball uh sob to me regarding their adult children. Why? Because unfortunately, those children have a special higher regard, if you will, for the parent that was not there, that was not available. You know, sometimes, yes, both parents are in the home, but one parent is too preoccupied with themselves, the things they're trying to do, their businesses, whatever the case may be, that it leaves one parent to do all the caregiving, all the running to activities, all the um helping with the the the injuries, all the doctor's appointments. Um but these adult children, although knowing this full well, choose to have more compassion, love, loyalty, understanding, forgiveness for the parent that was not there. I do understand that many times because we didn't get their attention, we won it even more. I I do get that. However, it should never, and I stay in ten toes on this, never outweigh the love, the loyalty, the compassion, the mercy, the understanding, the forgiveness that you have for the parent that always showed up. As a matter of fact, I probably could bet on the fact that they are still the ones that help that that that you call for things. Whether it's money, whether it's a rough situation, whether it's talking you through this, coming to pick you up, whatever the case may be, a meal, whatever the case may be, that's still the parent that you rely on. So let's do better by learning how to show those qualities, that love, that compassion, that loyalty for the parent who always showed up. You know, it's really insane to think that someone who gave you everything and who sacrificed everything for you is the last person that you want to be loyal to, the kind to, respectful of. Um, I've had mothers come to me and say that uh their children treat them like they're a wreck, or that you know they just don't have any sense or they're not smart. And it's crazy because these children are the ones who asked that very same parent for everything they need. As a matter of fact, in some cases, they asked them to help them after the other parent has drained them. You know, um we talk about this. We we know a case where, you know, a mother raised children, uh the daughter then expected the mother to raise her children, all the while talking about how uh that mother wasn't as smart or wasn't you know, didn't get all these degrees and you know how much lower she was, but you trusted her to raise your children, and then later in life, you came back home to that very same parent after you lost the house. Okay, that she helped you get, even though you were married. These are the things that I really try to ingrain in our little guy to learn how to appreciate the people who are good to you. I don't know why, but it is something that's um very easy to not appreciate the person who's always there, and that this is across all relationships, unfortunately. Um, it can be in a marriage, it can be, you know, a parent to child, it can be a family member to family member. Um, it's just easier not to appreciate that person. But I'm hoping that with this episode and with the other resources that I'm going to provide in the future, that it can help us change that narrative because I've learned something, even in my own case, right? As long as I give more attention to people, and it largely starts with parents. I'm just gonna be honest. I talk about parents, you are the foundation of your children. It's so true. You know, I spent majority of my life trying to get approval from someone who I was never going to get approval from. Because I did that, I turned around, and even when we were away from him, I chose people, right, who whose approval I was chasing, right? Who treated me like I was less than, like they could disregard me or discard me at any point. So I chased that in my friendships. You know, they to me were the more exciting ones, not the ones who were just good friends, who enjoyed spending time with me, valued me. Um they were the fun ones who could care less, right? Um the same in relationships, obviously, right? I I picked people who were similar to that parent. Um, not exactly the same. And the thing is in my brain, I told myself, well, they're not like him in this way, they're not like him in that way, right? Um, they're not even close to being like him. But when you came down to it, uh many times the reason why our relationship did not work is because they were sh they had those same qualities in them. And here I am chasing, trying to show I'm good enough when, to be honest with you, as I mentioned before, they shouldn't even have sniffed the same hair as me, right? That's because I spent a lot of time chasing after a parent that I shouldn't have. It's understandable that I did because I was a little girl, right? I didn't know all the things I know as a woman. Um so we give grace to the little version of ourselves, right? But as adults, we have to do better. Right? So I had this perpetual attitude of those who were kind and loved me and who who cared about me and wanted to spend time with me really weren't as fun as the ones who were kind of selfish, right? Who I had to prove my work to just like I did my dad. Right. So it reflected in my relationships. But when I started to value the qualities of a parent who was always there, my friendships changed. Right. What I tolerated changed. Right. My relationships completely changed. Um it was no longer whether I was good enough for them. It was could we work together? Right? Would they bring me the love that I give? You know, it it started to be a lot more heavy on reciprocity. Now, I understand, you know, even even in our marriage, like there's been times where one's low and one's high. That that that definitely is a thing. But we didn't start that way. You know, and and I think sometimes we start when we have uh that over. I shouldn't say over. I I say an extreme love and place and care for a parent that was not there. We allow people to start that way with us. We allow them to show that they're really not that pressed about us, really, right? Like we're really not that serious. Um I say that to say not only will changing the way that you view your parent who has always been there um make them feel better, not break their hearts, it will really be reflected in the way in in which your life goes. Learning how to appreciate good people will allow you to choose good people, it would allow you to see ahead of time that this person has nothing to offer you and will make you feel like you're less than them sooner than later. So, you know, I'm gonna provide as always. You know, I talk about it, I again, um, you know, for those of you who believe in God, um I wanna share this point with you, and then I want to give some honest, uh uh, easy to do ways to change this, right? To remind your brain, to change your mindset. For those of you who have faith, Adam and Eve, right? They're known as our first parents. We think it's absurd and crazy that we have suffered all these years because of their decision being perfect humans, not even having an inclination towards the wrong thing, right? They chose to listen to a snake over the person, the god, the entity that gave them everything. And when you look at it that way, you will see the disastrous effects that it will have on generations if you don't correct this now. Literally, they listened to a snake over the God who had given them everything, literally everything. I mean, that's not even an understatement, that's not an over-exaggeration, had given them everything. If they had had more appreciation and honor and respect for God, that would have never happened. And we would never be in the position we are in. So when we choose to have these types of mindsets where we focus more on um loving, compassion, being loyal to the ones that are not there for us, it can affect generations. Generations. Because in in certain cases, I've seen that um because the mother didn't respect the grandmother who took care of the kids, right? The kids honestly had a a stronger bond with their grandmother than they did their mother, which has in some cases led to a severe breakdown or not even having a relationship with their kids because they weren't a parent, right? Um, and I say that just to say that it affected generations, right? Please learn to appreciate, and it starts with our parents, right? The ones who were there, the ones who picked up the pieces, the ones who came and got us out of situations that we we found ourselves broken in, right? Learn how to appreciate them and show more love and compassion towards them than the parent that decided not to be there. I'm not saying that there's no space for it because I truly believe there is space for loving, um, reconciliation, forgiveness, all that with a parent that chose not to be there. I do think that that's important. Um, if you choose to have a relationship with them, you know, obviously be discerning with that. Um, be careful with that because sometimes, um, as in my case, they can come back and they want from you, right? They they've seen the person that your your parent, who has always been there, has built, right? And how you are, how you have chosen to show up in the world, and then they want you to take care of them. So be careful of that. Um, and again, I say this even if they were in the home or they weren't, because my dad for the first 16 years of my life was in the home. So please consider what I'm being what I'm saying here. And then I have three tools, three simple things that you can do. Um, I shouldn't say tools, but things you can do to change your mindset, right? So I want you to right now, if you have a chance, think of the last time you had to ask that reliable parent for something. I don't care if it's you a meal, you ask them to come by, you ask them to run and get something for you, um, you asked them to talk you through a situation, listen to you vent, listen to you cry. I want you to think about that. And then I want you to think of a couple more instances where you've had to call them. Now I want you to do me a favor and now turn that into something for them. Let's start it into action, right? Even if that means a text message saying, Thank you for always being showing up for me. Thank you for being the person I can go to come to. Because let's be honest, after the parents don't see it this way, but after we are on our own, whether it means we're in college or whatever the case may be, their legal obligation to us has gone. And everything they do at this point is out of love. A lot of times, what they had done as a child was out of love, too, because what they owed us was a peaceful home, right? They owed us roof over our head, food in our belly to ensure that we had clothes to go to school, maybe even to help us with our school. But all the extra things they did having parties for us, uh, taking us to special events, putting us in things that we enjoyed, um programs and different things showing up for every single accolade that we get. Um that wasn't necessary. That was for us. That was out of their heart. And you'll find if you look back that that parent who didn't show up as much, they probably were there uh um chest puffed out, head head, held high, but hadn't poured anything into it, hadn't brought you to a single practice, hadn't showed up for the the school conferences, right? Weren't the one you could run to when there was a problem with a project or a grade or a teacher or whatever, but they'll stay in there and hold their head high. Please put forth the effort to show that you value, value the love, loyalty, support that you were given by the parent who always showed up, who had to feel in two places, two spaces, two, literally two people's position. Okay, so that's one, right? Let's think about the last time you had to go to them for something. I'm a big proponent of affirmations. Usually affirmations are for self, right? But if you struggle with loving that parent that always showed up, I need you to write down how they have showed up extra for you on a post-it. And maybe you need to put it up. So when you get that urge to be disrespectful, to call them out their name, you know, I've seen that uh be mean, cruel, unwilling to help them. I want you to look at those post-its. I want you to look at those post-its and remember how they showed up for you. Again, notice I'm not saying anything about putting down the other parent. It's had nothing to do with the other parent, it has to do with your appreciation and gratitude for that parent. If you need to, again, write it down. Get a gratitude journal where you purely write down all the things that you're grateful for in that parent. So they can change your mindset when it comes to being disrespectful, when it comes to not being willing to do things for them. When it comes to who I'm going to be loyal to. Because again, not just for their sakes, they deserve it. But it will be reflected in how you carry out your life, it will be reflected in the relationships you choose. Because many times there there's two types of relationships that I've seen come out of this, right? Either either you do find somebody like that parent who always shows up and you don't treat them right, you're not really a partner, you're more like a child, and you disrespect them and mistreat them too. Or you constantly have somebody like that absent parent who's in your life, who you're trying to get attention from, who you're trying to chase and get this and get that. Um so it's a benefit to you as well. It will help your relationship with your children. You you you may see the need to instead of directing them back to your your your parent for the care and support that you got, you may feel the desire to be that kind of parent, to be the parent that shows up, that's there for their children, that their children can constantly count on, no matter what. And while my experience has been mainly mothers um crying to me about their children choosing to um go with the parent for a special occasion that hasn't done anything for them, or um just them having more respect and honor for this parent who didn't even contribute to their college degrees, to um the things, the practical things they have needed. It can also be a father, right? A father could have been the one who showed up and the mother was preoccupied with herself, her business, her whatever the case may be. So I I don't want to come off as um I'm saying this is for gender. It can be either one of the parents, but if you are the parent who always showed up, know that you are seen, you are valued. Um, I hope that this episode helps your children uh play it for. I hope this helps their children, your children, appreciate you and see you in a different light. Um, I know one episode uh of someone, a stranger talking may not be the answer to it, but I am gonna provide some resources in the next week or two. I'm gonna create a small worksheet for gratitude for those who are who are showing up for us or who have shown up for us. It's gonna be really quick, really simple, um, really high level, but just to change our mindsets, right? Um, as I always say, it starts with us. So when we change our mindset, mindset on who we value in our life, who we appreciate, who we have compassion for, it most definitely will be reflected in our own happiness. Um, so yes, in the next week or two, I'm gonna provide a worksheet. It will be on my website, therustmix.com. Again, therustmix.com. It'll be a free download. Okay, you'll also see that I have other books that um do have a small economical price as well, but um, this is gonna be a free download because I think um across the board we all need to change our mindsets towards those who show up for us. So um I look forward to sharing that with you guys. Um, I will add it to my next episode. Uh add a link. I will also um give guidance on how to find it, okay? Um until next time, please remember. Please, please, please remember. You got this, you deserve this. Every bit of effort you put into killing, breaking those curses, you deserve it. Because the life that you want is on the other side of healing. Remember, healing is a journey, it's not a destination, and you may have setbacks. Learn your lesson and get back up. You are loved, you are seen. And until next time, keep breaking those curses with excellence. Peace.