Dealing with Abuse: Buddhist Teachings on Handling Hostility

In Episode 2 of 'What Would Buddha Do?', host Lena DiGenti addresses a heartfelt question from a listener about handling verbal and emotional abuse from a loved one with a drinking problem. Drawing from Buddhist teachings, particularly the narrative of 'The Buddha Rejects Abuse,' Lena explores how to navigate abusive situations by refusing to accept hostility, akin to not partaking in an unwanted meal. Emphasizing the importance of separating abusive actions from the person, this episode sheds light on the Buddha's profound wisdom and its relevance in modern contexts, including personal relationships affected by addiction.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Hello, welcome to Episode 2 of What Would Buddha Do? I'm Lena DiGenti, the host of this podcast, where I draw on questions from my coaching clients and look for specific Buddhist teachings related to that issue, and then help translate them into modern terms. I was raised in the Shambhala Buddhist tradition of Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche and have been a lifelong meditation practitioner.

I am an ontological coach and yoga instructor and I'm currently pursuing a Master's in Divinity from Naropa University in Colorado. Today I have brought my very powerful colleague Jenny to pull a question out of our question hat to read for us.

My wife has A really bad drinking problem and when she gets drunk, she's really verbally and emotionally abusive. I know she has a problem and want [00:01:00] to help her with it. But when she's abusive like that, I just, I don't know what to do. It's not like I'm afraid or anything. And I know the word abuse is really strong.

Don't want to overuse it. But still really feels abusive. For me, I just don't know what to do. Thank you, Jenny. Oh, there is a lot here. I'm really sorry that you're both going through this and thank you for letting me know that it's not physically dangerous. Before we dig into this, I just want to make a distinction.

We are going to be looking at what the Buddha taught about abusive situations. This is not to give advice on whether or not you should stay in an abusive relationship, how to leave an abusive relationship, how to support someone in active addiction. I'm going to pull all those pieces out and we're just going to focus on The Buddha's [00:02:00] specific teachings on abuse.

So let's see what we've got. The Buddha has a teaching called The Buddha Rejects Abuse. So seems like an appropriate one and I'll read what it says. On one occasion, the Blessed One was dwelling in Rajagaha at, in the Bamboo Grove, the Squirrel Sanctuary. The Brahmin Akosaka Bharadavja, Bharadavja the Abusive, heard, It is said that another Brahmin of the Bharadavja clan has gone forth from the household life into homelessness under the ascetic Gautama.

Angry and displeased, he approached the Blessed One and abused and reviled him with rude, harsh words. When he had finished speaking, the Blessed One said to him, What do you think, Brahmin? [00:03:00] Do your friends and colleagues, kinsmen and relatives, as well as guests, come to visit you? They do, Master Gautama. Do you then offer them some food or a meal or a snack?

I do, Master Gautama. But if they do not accept it from you, then to whom does the food belong? If they do not accept it from me, then the food still belongs to us. So too, brahmin, I do not abuse anyone, do not scold anyone, do not rail against anyone. I refuse to accept from you the abuse and scolding and tirade you let loose at me.

It still belongs to you, brahmin. It still belongs to you, brahmin. Brahmin, one who abuses his own abuser, who scolds the one who scolds him, who rails against the one who rails at him, he is said to partake of the meal, to enter upon an exchange. But I do not partake of your [00:04:00] meal. I do not enter upon an exchange.

It still belongs to you, Brahman. It still belongs to you, Brahman. Okay, so let's start digging into this. Right from the start, the blessed one is the Buddha. Rajagaha was a capital city, which was a spiritual hub at the time.

It's in the northwest of India, not too far from Patna, the capital of current Bihar. And Bamboo Grove was a monastery that was built as an offering to the Buddha. It was likely called squirrel sanctuary because animals were able to thrive there, in peace with all the spiritual people around and it's the location of many of his teachings.

One of the The paradigm shift that was created by the Buddha was the idea that one did not need to be born in the Brahman caste in order to achieve spiritual awakening. That in fact anyone who practiced the Eightfold Path could achieve this. He [00:05:00] used the term Brahman with a lowercase b as someone who is on the path and leading a virtuous life.

In his teachings, a Brahman was about intention and action as opposed to birthright, which was really a major upset to the times. 

But, so there's these two brothers and, uh. They both actually become teachers, uh, students of the Buddha, um, but at the time, um, at the time, the one brother was known for his abusive behavior He found out that his brother had left his, home life to go join and study with the Buddha.

And he became enraged and went to confront the Buddha. And this teaching is the telling of that incident. Interestingly, they both actually become arhats. In addition to, they become students and then become arhats, which are people who reach enlightenment. So, they, you know, they get pretty far. 

He's angry because his brother has left his household life and gone to study with the Buddha. So the Buddha [00:06:00] rejects the hostility and he uses the metaphor of food. So if a friend comes to my house and I offer them a cup of tea or a cookie and they decline, then I keep my tea and my cookie. And similarly, if someone is meeting you with abuse and hostility and you refuse it, then the abuser is left holding the hostility, just like I'm left holding my tea and my cookie.

And so just as the food remains with the giver if it's not accepted, the insults and abuse remain with the one who delivers them if they're not taken by the other, right? So when someone abuses or scolds another one, The act only gains power when the recipient reacts or partakes in the exchange by retaliating or internalizing the abuse.

If you refuse to respond with hostility, you avoid entering upon the exchange. So then that leaves the negativity to remain with the abuser. Conflict and hostility are sustained through mutual [00:07:00] participation. So if one party doesn't engage, the cycle of aggression is broken. It shifts responsibility back to the abuser, emphasizing that their negativity is their own to bear.

So the Buddha is teaching us not to accept. The abuse. And this teaching reminds me of the scene in the Matrix, you know, where Neo puts his hand up and all the bullets are flying at him and he puts his hand up and they just simply stop and then fall to the ground. It's what this, like, refusing to accept the abuse reminds me of.

There's another interesting aspect of this teaching is that Akasaka Bard Vajra becomes a student, right? And eventually an Arhat. So while the Buddha doesn't accept the abuse, he didn't reject the person. The 17th Karmapa, or current Karmapa, teaches about distinguishing between the person and the [00:08:00] emotion.

He makes this distinction that people who inflict abuse on others aren't capable of distancing themselves from their emotion. They suffer from this serious distortion of reality. And it doesn't mean that we should accept or condone their actions by any means. It's just to understand that we all can have this delusion at times that our emotional upheavals are an indivisible part of us, when in fact we can and often do separate ourselves from our emotions.

We often don't. React or act on them, but when people are abusive are in that state, they're not able to do that. And if we can recognize that, then we can refuse to accept the verbal bullets that are flying at us.