How To Handle Loss

In this heartfelt conversation, Alex and Tony explore the complexities of handling loss and grief. They share personal experiences, discuss the emotional journey of mourning, and emphasize the importance of processing emotions. The dialogue highlights how to honor loved ones while navigating the pain of loss, and the lessons learned from these experiences. The conversation culminates in a mindful moment, encouraging listeners to connect with their feelings and recognize their strength in the face of grief.

Takeaways:
Loss is a universal experience that everyone will face.
Grief is not something we fully get over; we learn to carry it differently.
Time helps in managing grief, but it doesn't erase the feelings.
It's important to sit with emotions and not suppress them.
Honoring loved ones can take many forms, including pursuing happiness.
The impact of loss can motivate personal growth and change.
Healing involves recognizing and processing emotions as they arise.
Advice can come from unexpected places and can shift our perspective.
Understanding the underlying emotions behind a loved one's wishes is crucial.
You are stronger than you think, and healing is a journey.

Transcript

Alexander Bagrensky (00:01)
Hello beautiful people, welcome back to Two Mindful Dummies, I'm Alex, that's T-Dog. Well, T-Dummy, yes. And as you can see from the title of the video, it's a pretty hard topic. Imagine going to work right now and this is the first thing you see. Sorry about that. But if you clicked on it, that means you must really need it.

Tony (00:08)
Too dummy.

Yeah, what's the topic for today?

Alexander Bagrensky (00:28)
How to handle loss.

Tony (00:31)
Yeah, it's, you and I both have experienced a lot of loss and are you okay with sharing with the audience kind of what's going on?

Alexander Bagrensky (00:40)
Yeah, so around like, you know, 10 years ago, actually in four days, it'll be 10 years ago that my dad passed away. So 10 years ago in four days, October 9th. Yeah. And so 10 years ago, ⁓ my dad passed away and I noticed that maybe five, six months after my dad passed away, my grandpa's

Tony (00:52)
When? In four days? wow.

Alexander Bagrensky (01:09)
memory has gone down drastically. He doesn't remember names as much anymore. He doesn't remember recent memories. ⁓ And he just kept going on a downhill slope. He was still able to drive for the first two or three years. And then that got debilitating. He couldn't do that anymore. ⁓ He started eating a lot more because he couldn't remember the last time he ate.

He spent like three hours in the bathroom, which is also normal for me, but he just started, you know, kind of losing it and conversations with him would get shorter and shorter because he couldn't carry them. And so about a week ago, ⁓ he had to go to the hospital because he has like these really like swollen red feet. He couldn't really walk well. He was having trouble breathing.

So we decided to take him to the ER ⁓ just to come to find out that he has congestive heart failure, which for anybody that's in the medical field, you know that kind of puts a term limit on your life, like two to five years. And basically your heart's tired. You you've gone through so much. And one of the things, one of the blood works and the CT scans showed that he had like heart scars, which means that

In the past like two years, he's had a heart attack and told not a single soul about it. Which is fucking nuts.

Tony (02:46)
That's wild. Is that

normal? Did you guys ask the medical practitioners?

Alexander Bagrensky (02:52)
Dude, I don't know, but

I think it's normal for people with dementia to experience something that hurts them a lot and then forget about it. I literally think he had a heart attack in bed or something and then ⁓ just woke up.

Tony (03:01)
Yeah.

He's lucky to be here, for sure.

Alexander Bagrensky (03:09)
Exactly,

right? It's fucking crazy. And so like now that I'm talking to him and stuff like that, he's telling me like, oh, you know, whatever happens to me, I don't care. Whenever the big man wants to come get me, I don't think I'm going to fight him. I'm tired. And I was like, you know, yeah. And did it just

Tony (03:28)
That's what it sounds like too, isn't it?

It's like

such a strong personality, someone that talks like that too. And then someone that has a heart attack and doesn't tell anyone.

Alexander Bagrensky (03:36)
He's like, I can't

hold the tech. I did nothing about it. He probably felt the sensation in his arm, slapped it. He's like, yeah, I'm good. He's had nothing but a flesh wound.

Tony (03:52)
⁓ shit.

Alexander Bagrensky (03:53)
And it's just, now that I feel like there is a term limit on his life, there's this weird feeling about it. And I don't know, do you think we ever really get over loss or do we just learn to carry it differently?

Tony (04:12)
If you would have asked me this a year ago, I would have probably answered different.

I don't think we fully get over loss. Like I don't think we fully get over loss, but I'm not sure. You know, cause maybe we do. But when I think back to my mom, like there's still sadness, there's still grief, there's still loss, frustration sometimes, confusion, anger, you know, and...

And it's difficult, but I'd say the one thing that's changed is the intensity of that emotion because I've leaned into the work. So before it was like debilitating. I couldn't do anything. I was freaking out. I'd stay inside, get depressed and you know, but since I've leaned into it and in practice, acceptance and you know, processing emotions, it's given me the ability to recognize

those emotions are that loss and still have some of the strength of the emotion, but it's 3 % compared to how it used to feel. know, but I don't like with my experience, I'd say it's still around.

Alexander Bagrensky (05:18)
Yeah.

Yeah, it's... I think it just becomes a problem about handling grief and managing that throughout the years because I remember somebody like if somebody like a couple of months after mentioned my dad I would I would I don't know if I necessarily cry but I would get like instantly sad and now as time goes on when somebody mentions my dad all I can think about is the good things that he's done

which makes me happy. And I think that's something really important to think about is it doesn't...

Learning how to carry it differently just comes with time. Because somebody can't pass away and you're like instantly you're like, well.

Tony (06:04)
Mm-hmm.

I'd say time is part of it for sure, but like some people struggle 20, 30, 40 years after a loss and other people move through it and they're not good. I mean, they're in a good place a year after, right? So what would you say to that? Like what's the other part of that equation that's helped you move through the grief in your life or the loss in your life?

with time.

Alexander Bagrensky (06:40)
I think.

think pushing it to the side and not thinking about it is what makes people feel the same sad, I guess throughout the entire 20, 30 years, is you never sit with it. You never recognize it. There's always just this deep burning sensation, I feel. And if you don't work on that or sit with it or try to understand it, I feel like it kind of controls how you

Tony (07:04)
Mm-hmm.

Alexander Bagrensky (07:10)
handle other situations in life. think it makes you more like bitter, more irritable. I feel like it could really set you on the wrong course if you don't handle it.

Tony (07:21)
What would it look like if someone were to sit with their emotions and try to understand a loss?

Alexander Bagrensky (07:29)
Knowing that thinking about it, it'd be okay to cry. I think there's like this huge ego and pride when it comes to like losing somebody where it's like, okay, I'm just gonna persevere. Like I have to push forward. There's nothing else I can do, right? Well, that may be true because regardless, yeah, time does move forward. The earth spins. The next day will come no matter how you feel. ⁓ I think it's learning how to f-

feel the sadness and still carry on with positive hope. Cause I feel like there's so many times like, well, fuck this person's dead. My life is ruined. You know, when I don't know if that's like necessarily true. Well, you know, their life had an impact on yours. That doesn't mean that because they're gone that yours is over.

Tony (08:05)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I feel like the closer someone is to us, the harder it is for sure. And it's part of our identity, that bond that we had, right? That comfort, knowing that that person is there to be able to communicate, to connect, to share life with. And the loss of that person is...

part of an identity loss within ourself.

You know, I can't go to that person anymore. Like when my mom got sick, there was a big shift. And then when she passed away, it was like my best friend I couldn't talk to anymore. I couldn't, you know, get advice or like share experiences ⁓ with her anymore. And that was really hard. I was really sad and learning to be able to kind of heal that part or

continue working with that part and then find other ways to fill that need, I think is what's found when we sit with those emotions and we become curious about our own experience instead of just suppressing it. It's still there even if we turn our back to it, you know?

Alexander Bagrensky (09:34)
Yeah, one of the last things my dad told me, he told me like, oh, when I get back home, I'll teach you how to shave because I had like a rat stash. I just had like, no, like the only facial hair I had was like this fucking peach fuzz on my on my upper lip. It looked so stupid. I was like, dad, I think I need to shave. He's like, yeah, no, I'll teach you how to shave. And that's usually like a very like dad thing to do is like teaching their sons how to shave. Right.

Tony (09:49)
you

Yeah.

Alexander Bagrensky (10:03)
And

so he passed away like two days later. So that was never an opportunity that I was able to have with him. But just to note... Yeah.

Tony (10:14)
Can I ask you a question about that real quick?

What was it like when you first shaved?

Alexander Bagrensky (10:20)
I felt...

It's really weird because when I was doing it, I felt like, you know, my dad should be here experiencing this, but then like since I'm kind of religious, I know that he's watching and kind of guiding my hand as I do it because I have him in mind when I do it.

Tony (10:38)
Mm-hmm.

Alexander Bagrensky (10:40)
⁓ my, my mom and grandma were crying. They were just like, they, were legit crying because I was shaving my face because like, he should have been here. You know, he should have been the one helping you guide your hand. I was like, no, like, I think he still is. Cause if I, if I go my whole life and I'm like, I'm doing this so that I can make them proud, which kind of leads up to my next question is in my

Tony (10:50)
Yeah.

Alexander Bagrensky (11:09)
trying to make him proud and as I'm shaving my face and I think it would make him very happy that you know I did it and I was able to do it you know he he raised me to become a person who can shave my face and he didn't have to be there for that right physically yeah spiritually he's there right he's he's kind of like he's probably like the light source that's shining on my head right now is be like you fucking goon

Tony (11:26)
physically, but...

Yeah, he's like damn

you, well, you lined your beard up super nice man. I just shaved my beard today and I like it gets super patchy but I lined it up and it looked okay but I'm like fuck man, I don't know if I'm ever gonna grow a beard and I look at your beard, I'm like damn, that looks good.

Alexander Bagrensky (11:55)
I

think what you have to... Thanks? ⁓ I think it's one of those things where you have to have a derma roller where it's like those little spikes that open up your pores so that you're in... No. No, but I know it's not impossible for everybody to have a beard. It's just one of those things where you have to... If not, it just means that your pores are blocked mainly because...

Tony (12:06)
Have you used one?

Hahaha

Alexander Bagrensky (12:23)
It's all ingrained in us to grow like facial hair. It's just that like what depths, what, what was I going with this? yeah. That leads up to my next question. ⁓ How do you do your beard? Have you ever found a way to honor a loss instead of just mourning it?

Tony (12:29)
Mm-hmm.

I dunno.

Yeah, shave it off.

Absolutely. Let me see if I can answer this question. It always goes back to my mom.

There was a saying that she used to write in our sticky notes GW toy it stands for guess who's thinking of you and so my twin brother and I we started a fishing YouTube channel and part of this is because we love fishing but part of it is like our mom took us fishing and taught us how to fish and she would sunbathe while we would be fishing you know and it was a way to honor her it was a

Alexander Bagrensky (13:17)
That's sweet.

Tony (13:18)
It was a way to keep her in mind. And we created these shirts that had the I love you hand symbol, you know? And then underneath it, GW Toy. And it's something that I think I'll invite into my community at one point. I'm gonna plug here, love yourself first community on school. But, you know, to really let people know that even though I haven't met you or.

whatnot, like I really am thinking about you. Guess who's thinking about you when you're in your lowest point. Just take a moment and remember this, that Tony and Alex care about you. ⁓ And so that's a way to keep my mom's memory for sure. But the opposite side of, or not the opposite side, the other part of that is moving through grief, right? I don't think it's...

in replace of navigating the loss. I think it's just a part of it. I think we naturally want to do things to remember the person because of their impact in our own life. And I think that's on the side of healing through that loss. I think most people naturally will do that even if they didn't.

or won't heal through the loss. Does that make sense?

Alexander Bagrensky (14:48)
I think when it comes to trying to honor a loss instead of mourning it, I do feel like you do have to mourn, right? You do have to feel those feelings, those emotions. And then you'll find that like, as time goes on, gets easier. While it's still sad, it gets easier to think about. Cause I don't like break out into tears, like just like automatically. If I start going down the trail of thinking and I start like,

really feeling it then yeah, like no problem, I can cry. But in terms of just like, no it's not. I think it's what's something that my dad always wanted me to do. And it was to be a champion, be successful in whatever I do, be the best at what I do, And so I have to remember that I'm also on my journey.

Tony (15:22)
Which is not a bad thing, that's a really healthy thing.

Alexander Bagrensky (15:47)
And I feel like it's important that when I'm on my journey that I have to remember where it came from. Like where it started, the times where I'm feeling like the worst that I think about where did this come from? Why am I doing this to begin with? And while I wish he was still here, his death does motivate me to be a better person because of what he stood for.

Tony (16:14)
Do you think that's?

something that you would still have on the forefront of your mind even if you didn't lose him, like if he was still around.

Alexander Bagrensky (16:25)
see like I ask that question all the time and the most I can say is if he was still here he would just be telling me instead of me figuring it out you know it's

I don't know if I say things happen necessarily for a reason, because some unnecessary things happen in this life that I don't think is required. But I do think that whenever we get handed something, we have to find the best way out of it. I feel like that, yeah, life is unfair. And I think I understand that pretty well. It's how do I interpret it? How do I perceive?

whatever is happening to me and how do I like make it more into a thing where I can learn from it.

It's really hard.

Tony (17:09)
Is that how

you were before he passed away or is that something that, like a lesson you've learned because of the loss?

Alexander Bagrensky (17:18)
I think it's a lesson I learned because of the loss. I don't think I was always innately this way. I think I would ruminate a lot before he passed away. I think I would sit on a feeling for very long and not get off of it. I would

Tony (17:39)
Like almost self-pity.

Alexander Bagrensky (17:41)
Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, like I would be like, like why is this happening to me? Like I just don't want this shit to happen. Like I just, and then I can think about that and like it ran my life, you know? Like, it's...

Tony (17:48)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Alexander Bagrensky (17:54)
It sucks that he's gone. ⁓ But yeah, I did learn stuff from it. And I think it's made me into the man I am today. And the question of like, whether or not I feel like it would be, I'd be different if he was alive. Yeah, maybe, maybe I'd be more cocky. Maybe I'd be more like high ego. Cause I, that's kind of how I was before. ⁓ And so experiencing that really.

like humbled me and brought me down back to earth where I'm not like so high strung up in the air just thinking life is a bunch of like clouds and that everything's easy like I don't know about easy but like life's not that serious as I put yeah life is serious life is very serious

Tony (18:34)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, it's funny. Yeah, it's that wisdom that's acquired only through experience.

Alexander Bagrensky (18:46)
⁓

Tony (18:51)
and in this case it's ⁓

Alexander Bagrensky (18:57)
I don't know when.

When you're in the process of grieving, how do you actually know you're healing and not just distracting yourself?

Tony (19:04)
Okay, hmm, this is a really, really good question. So let me get it right. When I'm in the process of healing, or when there's a loss, do I know, how do I discern the difference between distracting myself and actually healing through it?

So, before we jumped on, was telling Alex an experience I had last night. My wife and I, went to a monster truck rally and I was triggered. So when I was in Iraq, I lived on a flight line and it's the first time that I've been around.

know, engines and stuff and I'm assuming that that's part of what triggered it. But I was literally sitting in my, in the bleachers and I'm like watching the beginning of the show kind of, but I'm back in Iraq basically. And because of all the work that I've done, I'm really mindful.

And I was aware of what was going on and how it's going on and the fact that I don't have control and stuff and the way my body wanted to express it was through crying.

And this is where you know whether you're healing or you're suppressing. Do you allow yourself to cry when it shows up?

for last night I did not allow myself to cry because of my ego and you know probably feeling okay like wrong place to cry or whatever you know and most people nobody probably would have even seen me cry but it just goes to show that like that's suppression that's a suppression of an emotion as it shows up and I could have allowed myself to cry and I was

Breathing and just trying to flow with it for a moment without crying so there's that the resistance and suppression and then my wife kind of looks over and like asked Kind of if I'm okay, and I turned to her and I If I would have said something I would have definitely started bawling my eyes out. I don't know why But I just told her I was freaking out like I'm freaking out I mouthed it and then like

Yeah, the whole time it was not just letting go. know, like healing is letting go. Just letting go of trying to control what's showing up as you're processing grief and loss and stuff. That's healing. When you try to control the uncontrollable, you try to suppress it, resist it, whatever, fight it, like hold it back.

You are not healing. It's gonna show up. And when I was talking to Alex earlier about it, it was starting to show up again. I have modalities that I use to process it, but this gave me kind of an awareness of a blind spot of like, damn, you still have more work to do and next time hopefully you can just be with it.

Alexander Bagrensky (22:19)
Yeah, I... Every time I go over back to my mom's place, I always find like a... Because I see his urn, I see everything and like it's so, so easy how just looking at something that reminds you of them just brings you back. And it makes you feel like you're back at square one too. But then you'll find that because of how you've grieved and how you've mourned, you kind of go... ⁓

okay and then you just

Tony (22:51)
It's that. It's that.

I call it dissolving. I don't know. Like it's just instead of tensing up and fighting it, it's this just letting go.

take that yawn. Yeah baby. So I'm curious.

Alexander Bagrensky (23:05)
curious.

Tony (23:06)
And this is,

this is, yeah, we have a really good relationship. So I'm gonna ask him with your grandpa and the fact that you're recognizing he's has a time limit. Don't know when that would be, but knowing that there's an inevitable loss there.

How has your previous experience with loss, like how does it influence you and how you show up today with your grandpa before that loss shows up?

Alexander Bagrensky (23:40)
I think... I know that...

Before my dad passed away, used to think if anybody in my family passed away that their life would be very hard after. Life would just, it would cease to exist ⁓ in a sense where it's like, like they passed away, I don't know what I'm going to do. I think my previous experience with loss has just shown me that when somebody

like that, your parent, your grandpa, when they pass away, like life will be okay, that there is an ability to move forward and that you could use them to kind of get yourself out of like rough situations where it's like, my grandpa, you know, he's going to pass maybe within the next five years, 10 years, I don't know.

depends how well the medication works but the fact that I know that like when he does unfortunately pass I know that there will be a life after that that I could apply his teachings to and I I could carry a part of him with me.

Tony (24:55)
Kind of like this inner confidence that because you've been through a really difficult loss and you've been able to manage and handle it, that you're gonna be okay.

Alexander Bagrensky (25:10)
Yeah, I think it just comes down to that is everything will be okay. Right? The loss will always suck. The loss is always bound to be sad. It's always bound to suck. You think about it hard enough, yeah, of course you're gonna cry. It's one of those things with when you're grieving, do you let yourself mourn? Because I feel like with the hustle and bustle of life, you know, let's say somebody does pass and like you get a week off of work and then, you know.

Tony (25:32)
Mm-hmm.

fucking weak dude and it could be the most important person to you in life and that's all you get off work that's fucking crazy

Alexander Bagrensky (25:45)
Yeah, you're forced to move.

You're forced to move forward. You're at least yet by common day means where it's like, oh yeah, your work would you like, yeah, we're so sorry for your loss. Yes, here's your the amount of PTO you have. Yeah, but this project's due by Friday. So yes, morning, your father and then go and submit the report to submit to county. You know, it's just it's I feel like

Tony (25:59)
Yeah, but the project is due, like...

Damn.

Alexander Bagrensky (26:15)
there isn't enough sympathy when it comes to these type of things, but...

Tony (26:20)
But also, like it can force us, there's two directions, I think. Like it forces us to suppress, resist, or it's like, okay, like, you know, we're not gonna stay in that grief, but you need to move through it. Here's an analogy around that. I'm gonna cut you off for a moment. Yeah, my analogy. So what does it look like to either heal or avoid healing?

Alexander Bagrensky (26:26)
Yeah, yeah.

I love these. I love these.

Tony (26:48)
It's whether you're going into the cave or not. If you notice that cave and you there's fear danger and comfortability You know loss grief, whatever and we turn around that's avoiding it but if we step into the cave and we embrace it we lean into it oftentimes you're gonna find a different way out and It's gonna give you this inner confidence this inner experience this release. They're like, okay, that was difficult. That was hard. It was scary

but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. And then the next time, know, you're like, okay, I remember that experience. I did it. Let's do it again. And it's literally just like anything in life. If you want to get good at anything in life, you have to move through not being good first. And I think that's same thing with emotion. Most people are not taught from a young age how to be with their emotion.

Express it and connect it especially men, know, we're told suck it up quit crying

Alexander Bagrensky (27:51)
Yeah.

Yeah, that was... that was a...

Tony (27:54)
If you keep

crying, I'm gonna take away your toy. What the fuck?

Alexander Bagrensky (27:57)
That's why like for the first like couple of years of my morning experience that like I really withheld from crying because I am the man. Now I'm the man of the house. Now I'm the man of everybody's looking at saying, what are you going to do next? It was a lot of pressure. And I think while yeah, I did achieve some great things. I didn't process things right. So, ⁓ yeah, it was.

Tony (28:14)
Mm-hmm.

Alexander Bagrensky (28:27)
Whenever you're mourning, don't let anybody else say how you should feel. I think you should feel how you should like. Like don't, I would say don't let somebody say, ⁓ just man up, just push on. you know, life's gonna move on, know, who, like nobody's gonna care. It's like, you're gonna care. You you yourself, you're gonna care. You're gonna care a lot.

Tony (28:52)
Including yourself,

don't allow yourself to tell yourself how not to feel.

Alexander Bagrensky (28:56)
Yeah, because if you're telling yourself how not to feel, you probably feel that way. it's like, don't cry right now, girl.

Tony (29:03)
And it's actually

coming from someone else, our conscious mind believes it to be truth. And so we tell ourself that. Say, where the fuck did you learn that from? Probably someone that doesn't express or have a stable EQ.

Alexander Bagrensky (29:12)
Yeah, when you say like...

Yeah, it's just... Don't let it... Don't... Yeah, and it's like you're consciously telling yourself, don't cry, don't cry. Wait, who told me that? Who the fuck told me that?

Tony (29:23)
Isn't that crazy? And then we believe it.

Dude, it's like, it's like,

yeah, it's like, okay, I wanna be a great football player, but my dad, he was a really, really fucking shitty football player. And everything he taught me, you know, like, I'm gonna believe his truth. And the person that's really good at football, I'm gonna tell them, no, like, what you're doing is wrong. People, we do that with our fucking emotions. Isn't that, that's crazy. It's fucking insanity.

Alexander Bagrensky (29:56)
So fucking

like that's how I see it is like let's say you're you're all analogy time. Let's say you're a bowl Right. Here's the bowl, right? I could put anything in this bowl, right? Let's say

Tony (30:04)
Mm-hmm. Oh, I was

thinking like a bowl. Like a bowl you ride.

Alexander Bagrensky (30:09)
like a bowl?

right. Let's say you're a bowl that can carry soup, right? And let's say you yourself, you're the broth in the soup, right? You're the broth. And let's say your parents, right, they teach you some stuff, they add ingredients to your soup, right? Their ideas, they get in your soup. As you grow up, other people's ⁓ ingredients get thrown at you.

Tony (30:17)
Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Alexander Bagrensky (30:39)
You know, it starts becoming a part of your soup. And then you see your soup and you're like, fuck, I'm the broth, right? I should be the one that makes the entirety of the flavor, right? These ingredients are trying to change how I feel. I should only add the ingredients I think that'll make my soup tasty.

Tony (30:55)
Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Alexander Bagrensky (31:01)
So it's one of those things. Does that make any sense? Did I spit bars? Okay, thank fuck dude. ⁓

Tony (31:05)
Absolutely. I'm I'm understanding that as

like, yes, as your child, you take on things that like you're just learning, right? Your your human experience, it's learning. But at some point, if you never take a look at your own fucking soup, you're not going to change. And so the first step is taking a look at the broth, the soup, the ingredients in it, and then recognizing like what's truth.

Alexander Bagrensky (31:25)
Yeah. Yeah, you're brought, you're.

Tony (31:34)
what's really me and then what's the other shit that's been added in my life from the sphere of influence that either helps my soup or doesn't help my soup.

Alexander Bagrensky (31:45)
Yeah, let's

say your dad teaches you some shitty football ingredients, right? And you put it in your soup like, fuck, I don't like onions. So you take the onions out and now you don't follow his advice. It's as simple as that.

Tony (31:56)
Yeah,

and it has nothing to do with whether you love them or not or different things. It's just like, where do you think they learned? They probably learned from their parents or from, know, like, but it really comes down to emotion is moving through grief. You allow yourself to feel you can do this through talking with someone.

Alexander Bagrensky (32:06)
from their shitty grandpa,

Tony (32:22)
You can do this through meditation, guided meditation, hypnotherapy, EMDR. You can do this through somatic breath work. You can do it through journaling. You can do it through therapy or having a really, really good friend, a best friend that is open to allowing you to express your emotions and hold space for you. And I'm sure there's others, but those are...

all the different things that I've used. What do you think has been the most profound way for you to?

move through your own loss.

Is there a modality or, you know, like some sort of technique, right? Cause we talk about, okay, leaning in, feeling your emotions, but for you personally, how have you been able to do that?

Alexander Bagrensky (33:10)
What would they like you to be after they pass? I remember when my dad passed the first night, I didn't get much sleep. We went to Florida literally the next day and my mom tried to feed me some pizza and I nibbled on it. I was like, yeah, I'm hungry. I just don't care. And then...

I'll always remember one of my mom's friends, she went with us to Florida to support. And so we were in the airport and I was just very down. I was just fucked up. And Starbucks was right in front of us and she was like,

She was like, oh, know, do you want anything to eat, anything to drink? And my mom was like, yeah, I'll take a coffee. And then she asked me, like, do you want anything to eat? I know you don't like coffee. This is such a lie now. And she was like, do you want anything to eat? I was like, no, I'm not hungry. I don't think I will be. And she's like, you know, I think your dad would want you to eat. I think your dad would want you to try and find a way out of this and thrive and do the best that you can.

And I don't know why that was such a light switch. Like if she didn't tell me that, I don't know what I would have done with my life to be honest, because it's the only light switch experience I can think back on and be like, no, you're right. Like it's like literally it was a snap of a finger and yeah. And dude, I got so hungry. I devoured that sandwich and it's it's

Tony (34:45)
It like almost gave you permission.

Isn't

that amazing how your mind like, dude, that was one piece of advice and it totally shifted you and your body followed suit. yeah, that that I love the science behind this type of stuff. It's so interesting.

Alexander Bagrensky (35:12)
Yeah, especially like when it feels like a switch.

Like I don't know how to explain it really. It's she told me that and I was like, you're right. He'd want me to be happy. And I think that's like the entire premise of this loss is like, he just want me to be happy. So now I'm on the constant pursuit of happiness. And I think, yeah, I'm finding it every single day I'm alive, you know, and I think that's the point. Every single day you're given a new reason to like love life and cherish it.

Tony (35:41)
Do you think your mom saying that maybe had some...

Alexander Bagrensky (35:42)
to be hungry, to be allowed to sleep.

It

wasn't even my mom. It was my mom's friend. Yeah, that's the thing. It could come from that advice could come from anywhere, dude. Yeah, it could like it could be from us. Yeah. Yeah. So it was like wherever you hear advice, like really think about it see if you can take it like it doesn't matter from who. You know.

Tony (35:53)
your mom's friend?

It could come from us, who knows? And great advice could come from you for us, you know?

Yeah, I think there's

a good thing around what you said though, kind of like a red flag or a blind spot that I'm curious about because I know people fall into this and I have to is this, know, what would your dad want you to do or, you know, want for you? And it seemed to have a really positive, profound impact on you. But it oftentimes there's some negative

things around that too, right? We do things and live our life for that person that's passed rather than living the life for us, which I know you've gone to school for it, or know, school partly because of that expectation. Also, I've done things that I'm doing for my mom, not for myself, but...

Yeah, I just wanted to check in there and see what your thoughts are on that too.

Alexander Bagrensky (37:17)
I think doing yourself for... how? doing yourself? mean... wow.

Tony (37:21)
Wow

2025, baby.

Alexander Bagrensky (37:24)
I think doing it for a person that is no longer here and doing it for yourself is one of the same because there's nothing you could physically give that person anymore. You're not doing them a favor anymore.

Tony (37:42)
What do you mean

one in the same though?

Alexander Bagrensky (37:44)
I mean that.

I think my dad would like me to be happy. And because of that ideal, I'm able to try and find ways to do so. It's more like a tool to help me ⁓ progress. Like if your mom's...

Tony (38:02)
What if your dad

wanted, like, let's say you're pushed to, I know your dad's like, yeah, like, I want you to be a doctor or whatever, like, we don't, you know, really wanna be a doctor, but they pass, and then all of a sudden that switches, and now we go be a doctor in memory of them. It's like, you know, we're doing something for that person that we've really don't wanna do.

Alexander Bagrensky (38:30)
I think reading in between the lines is when they say like, I want you to be a doctor. Is it because they want you to be well off or is it because they want you to be a doctor? Like it's, one of those things where like, like a lot of like parents will be like, I want you to be a lawyer, a doctor. Why? Because those are like high paying positions. They, they, set you up for success. And I think your loved one was trying to tell you like, at least the feeling behind their words, I think is what matters. Right.

Tony (38:48)
Right.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Alexander Bagrensky (38:59)
I think

if like, let's say your mom was like, like I want you to become a lawyer. Like I don't want to be a fucking lawyer. And so it's like, okay, then what is she, what was she trying to tell me? It's like, I want you to be a lawyer because I want you to be rich. want you to be bountiful. I want you to be happy. I can imagine if you ask you like, if you ask like, do you want me to be a lawyer because to fight crime or do you want me to be a lawyer because you, know that you know that

Tony (39:18)
Make it impact.

haha

Alexander Bagrensky (39:29)
it's a good job that'll like benefit me she's like no I think it's a good job to benefit you and I think you should be benefited because you deserve it and I think that's what you should take away from it you know I'm not gonna let my

Tony (39:40)
I

think you only find those answers for yourself when you lean into the emotion though and heal.

Alexander Bagrensky (39:47)
Yeah,

and that's why it's important to lean into the emotion. if you take their last words or their ideals for you very to heart, but you take it very literally, like you have to, I don't think you really assessed what the emotions they were trying to say were really carried at all. Like I want you to be like an airplane pilot. Why the fuck do you want me to be an airplane pilot?

I know you like the sky and I know it's a good paying job. Well, you just want me to be good. basically you want me to be good. Just say that. ⁓

Tony (40:21)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Alexander Bagrensky (40:23)
For this mindful minute, don't- what do think we should do? What were you gonna say though? You were gonna say something.

Tony (40:23)
any

Like anything else you want to say, you know, I'd say for this mindful minute, just connect with yourself and see if there's just one piece of advice that we can give the audience. You know? So take this minute, don't think right now, but take the minute to just become aware and in the audience, maybe just take this minute to...

kind of connect with yourself with everything that we've we've said because this is you know this is could be triggering right everything we've talked about today you could be going through a loss right now and it could be really difficult just sit for the next minute and just acknowledge how you feel how does that sound Alex

Alexander Bagrensky (41:15)
Beautiful. Mindful minute starts in 5, 4, 3...

minute has passed.

Tony (42:27)
You're not alone. You're not the only one that has experienced loss. When it comes to healing, you don't know what you don't know. So if you're avoiding healing, if you're afraid to heal, like you just don't know what you don't know. And you're listening to two people that have leaned in and have found a lot of answers for their life.

Alexander Bagrensky (42:28)
What did you think?

Tony (42:56)
live off of just a little bit of faith that they know what they're talking about.

Alexander Bagrensky (43:00)
I love you audience. ⁓ I appreciate your listening. think out of all the topics we've done, is the most, ⁓ I guess, emotional I've gotten. ⁓ It's something that hits pretty deep for me, and I've experienced it. inevitably, we're all, every single person is going to experience a loss.

Knowing how to combat that, sit with your emotions and try to become a better person after it is really hard.

It's super easy to go onto the negative. It's super easy.

And that's why I feel like it's important you have to sit with yourself, sit with your emotions. How do you feel? What lesson do you take from this? The lesson is, it sucks to lose a person, but what did they carry that makes me want to keep on living?

Tony (43:52)
You're stronger than you think.

Alexander Bagrensky (43:54)
stronger than you know. We love you audience. Thank you for listening today. ⁓ Be safe and we can't wait to see you next week. Love you. Bye.

Tony (43:56)
We love you.