Deep Heartfelt Success

Why Strong Boundaries Lead to More Joy, Ease & True Success

• Heidi Marke, The Gentle Rebel Coach • Season 1 • Episode 7

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Speaker 1:

How can you be who you are whilst honouring your boundaries? How can you be the generous, big-hearted, highly conscientious, professional, full of integrity, reliable person that you are, while honouring your boundaries, so that you have enough time, energy and attention to focus on the other areas of your life, so that you can feel more joy, more at ease, more satisfied, so you can really lean back into the success that you've created? How on earth can you do that? Because it often feels that these things are odds, aren't they? Well, that's what we're going to delve into in Heartfelt Success podcast. Success that feels even better on the inside than it looks on the outside. Success that feels even better on the inside than it looks on the outside. Hello, I'm Heidi, heidi Mark, Transformational Coach for big-hearted, driven professionals who want more, more ease, more joy, more capacity to fully experience and enjoy the success you've worked so hard for. Because real success isn't just about achieving more although I'm sure you want more. It's about expanding our capacity to feel confident in it, to really enjoy it. It's time to start feeling the fulfillment, the freedom and the ease you've worked so hard for. This is where traditional success ends and deep, heartfelt success begins. Welcome to the adventure. Welcome to the adventure.

Speaker 1:

So in group coaching on Monday, it suddenly occurred to me that we're just coming back to this same deep, underlying question again and again and again how can I be who I am whilst honouring my boundaries? What was coming up in the coaching session was to do with a transition time and trying to finish everything at work and not let anyone down. This is a really common scenario, isn't it in a working life, when there's transitions or there's, you're waiting for somebody to be hired and just it's messy, right, life's messy. I used to find it incredibly difficult not to see a problem and do something about it, and my partner used to say to me never hole fill. And I thought that was Until I burnt out. And now I can look back and see what was going on Because I was filling holes. The holes were never allowed to be seen, so they just became covered up temporarily and that cost me. But I didn't know at the time. Well, I didn't even know about boundaries. People spoke about boundaries as if they were just things that you had and you knew and I don't know. I didn't even know about boundaries. People spoke about boundaries as if they were just things that you had and you knew, and I don't know, I didn't know what they were.

Speaker 1:

Over time, over the last 10 years, I have found my boundaries. I've found what matters to me, but they're not rigid things that I build For me and my clients. They're things that we find by paying attention, by getting to know ourselves, how, through neutral noticing so, by getting out of your head into your body and noticing completely neutrally what's going on for you in any given moment, you can get some really good information, really useful information. So noticing, starting to notice when a boundary feels off or when something feels off, you can often find a boundary because it's being crossed.

Speaker 1:

A common scenario for me was staying late at work to listen to somebody and help them rather than going home. That doesn't mean that I should never have done that. It meant that it had become a habit where I thought it was a good thing to do because I thought it was who I was. However, I would now argue that I I could have just said not now or maybe later, or handled it differently. There's all sorts of things I could have done differently with hindsight, which would enable me to be myself, to still be generous, to still be professional, to still manage a team well and be there for people, but without crossing a boundary, so that I ended up exhausted and just went home and flunked. But I didn't know then and I tried all sorts of things. Now I know.

Speaker 1:

So let's dive into this question how can I be who I am whilst honouring my boundaries? First of all, who are you Now? Who am I? Is a very, very deep, deep question which arguably, you could ask for the rest of your life. It's a well-known Zen koan which is used to break open the mind and get a glimpse of enlightenment. Or you can just notice who you are. You can get to know yourself, and there's lots of different ways of doing this. There's lots of different online personality tests. There's all sorts of things, ways you can dive into and get to know yourself, but one of the simplest ways is just to observe, is to become an observer.

Speaker 1:

I use neutral noticing for this. There's all sorts of techniques out there, but what I love about neutral noticing is it happens in the moment. It is what it says it is. You are noticing completely neutrally what's going on for you at any given moment. What this allows you to do is separate from the drama and notice patterns. So, for example, with boundaries, what's really really interesting is often you can feel it in the body.

Speaker 1:

Really really interesting is often you can feel it in the body it's, and usually you find a boundary by letting it be crossed accidentally and then you're tired or you have a heaviness or a tightness in the body and you're kind of like what's going on here? Something's not right and it can make you feel like you ought to have done something differently. Or you get crossed with something. Anytime you're getting crossed for something's really really helpful because it's giving you information, but it's only helpful if you can get out of the crossness and observe it. That's why I like neutral noticing, because it allows me to step back from it and say, oh, I'm really cross about that. I wonder why I'm so cross, why did I overreact to that? Why did I get snappy and grumpy? Or why did I feel the need to leave the room, or why did I not enjoy that? Or another one could be.

Speaker 1:

You get an invitation for something and you say yes because well, because you just do You're still saying yes to everything, which sometimes is a good thing, too right. There was a whole movie about it saying yes, and I remember coming back from traveling and just saying yes to everything. And there can be good things about that when you're in experimental mode. But when we get stuck in an automatic default, of course, because we feel that we ought to, or it sounds like a good idea, or we don't want to miss out, we can get into trouble. And then the stepping back from it and noticing oh, I said yes to that, but actually I wish I hadn't is really useful information which is very, very different than oh, my goodness, I really don't want to go to that, but I have to. So one is being caught up in it and the other is noticing it. And the more you can neutrally notice, the easier it is to observe. And as soon as you can get into observer space, you can use everything as useful information to get to know yourself better, to find out what's going on for you.

Speaker 1:

And also, the thing with this question is how can I be who I am whilst honoring my boundaries? Things shift all the time. You shift and change. Boundaries shift and change. There isn't one solution to this that's going to be right for all time, even things like sleep. I find my time to bed has got earlier and I'm waking up earlier as I've got older. That's quite common. Or I might be different in the summer than the winter. There's shifts and changes throughout our life, there's seasons of our lives, but the thing is, being able to observe yourself neutrally is hugely beneficial.

Speaker 1:

So, even if you did personality tests and all those other ways of getting to find out things about yourself, yeah, they're going to give you some generalizations which could be really helpful, but in the end, it's all about you and being able to notice what is affecting your energy, what makes you happy, what brings you joy when you've given away something you shouldn't have done in terms of energy and time. So, noticing boundaries, practicing honoring a boundary, learning how to say no part of my free course, the First Step to Deep, heartfelt Success. There's a bonus in there called 101 Ways to Say no. Learning these things are really really helpful. So, really, how can I be who I am whilst honoring my boundaries comes down to you. Deciding, deciding. I'm going to find out the answer to that question. I'm going to discover more about who I believe that I am really. Listen to myself. I'm going to notice what affects me and then from there, I'm going to practice finding and strengthening boundaries, and see how that impacts me.

Speaker 1:

And for me, the impacts I would be looking for are I feel integral, I feel authentic. So I feel like I'm being myself, and by that I mean I'm behaving in a way that honours who I am and I'm being at my best in the world, so I'm allowing myself to shine as best as I can in this moment and then I'm. How much joy am I feeling? How at ease do I feel? How well do I feel? How much energy do I have? How much time and space do I have for those things I long to do? Or have I got this list that's backing up and nagging me of? Oh, my goodness, I wish I had time to do that, but I just never get around to it, just never seem to have the time or the energy or the headspace to do the things I long to do.

Speaker 1:

For me, if that list is starting to weigh heavily on me, I'm not paying attention. It's time to pay attention again. It's time to get curious. That's useful information. Nothing's gone wrong, it's just useful information. So maybe writing it out and looking at it and thinking are these things still relevant? Do I actually want to do these things, or can I just dump some of these things?

Speaker 1:

And if there are things that I'm not doing that I really, really want to do, what's stopping me? I'm finding out what's stopping me without getting caught up in the drama and the shoulds and the oughts and, oh my goodness, I should have all this sussed by the time I'm this age Like dropping the judgment. So so freeing, oh my goodness. That in itself gives you headspace, time, energy and attention and joy. Goodness me, being on your own side makes such a difference. So I guess a detailed version of this question how can I be who I am whilst honouring my boundaries would be how can I feel most like myself, so most at ease, most like me at this point in my life not like I'm kind of squishing myself into something that doesn't quite fit me and feel joy, ease, confidence, just at home in my life and having a great time like living fully. How can I have all of that? And that's an ongoing question, but it's not an ongoing question in an onerous way, it's just an ongoing question where every now and again I'm going to check in or if something feels off, that's a sign to sit down and maybe do a little bit more journaling about it.

Speaker 1:

But in general, moving through life as I just expect to, I expect to be able to honour my boundaries because the truth is I'm a nicer person, I'm a better person to be around. I actually do better work, I'm more efficient, I'm more productive, I'm nicer, I can think better. Everything's better when I honour who I am and what my boundaries are. So in the end it doesn't become an opposing thing. Eventually, if you do choose to investigate this, it becomes something that is self-supporting. I am more joyful and more lovely to be around, more generous, more big-ed and do better work. When I honour my boundaries, when I look after myself properly and I have time and space to do those things that really matter to me, it's a win-win.

Speaker 1:

There's nothing to lose here apart from the frustration of that age old battle. It doesn't mean it's never going to come up again, but the next time it comes up is probably because you're wanting even more, and that's a good thing. So then next time something's irritating you and draining you, instead of thinking, oh my goodness, everything's gone wrong, I've gone backwards, I did all that work on myself and now I've just gone backwards. No, that's not what's happening. It's the next expansion point. You just want more Good for you. That's what we're about round here Deep, heartfelt success.

Speaker 1:

Success that feels even better on the inside than it looks on the outside. So, regardless of what's going on, you get to feel the success you've worked so hard for and it just gets better and better and better, but not linearly, because life's not like that. It's very squiggly, it's messy, right stabilizes for a bit and there's a curveball that you have to go with or something happens. You change, stuff changes, nothing stays the same. So it's a skill. It's about living more skillfully, getting out of your head into your body and allowing your body and heart to weigh in on the conversation. That's the skill that will help you answer this question how can I be who I am?

Speaker 1:

So you still want to be generous, big-hearted, highly professional, do really good work and honour my boundaries, so that I can have time and space for myself to feel well, sane, happy, joyful, look after myself properly and do some of those lovely, lovely things that tend to back up on a list while we're headlong focused on achieving the next bit of success. So it just becomes a way of moving through your life. This is the path of deep, heartfelt success, of moving through your life. This is the path of deep, heartfelt success Getting out of your head into your body, allowing the wisdom of your body which is very, very helpful for showing where boundaries are and the discernment of your heart to help navigate your life. The discernment of the heart would be identifying the things that you really really long to do, that matter most to you, so that you can support your mind in focusing on them. Otherwise it's just a scramble, isn't it? But then everything becomes so important and urgent all at once and we break the eisenhower matrix. Using the heart to weigh in on the conversation helps you stay focused on what matters most to you, and that brings more joy, more ease, more satisfaction, more focus and clarity to focus on what you want next. So then it brings more success and on and on it goes. It better and better and better. But sometimes it goes off for a bit, and the going off for a bit is the finding of the boundaries, and it's really, really a good thing. As long as you remember, nothing's gone wrong, nothing wrong with you, it's just useful information.

Speaker 1:

I hope you've enjoyed this short, sweet episode inspired by group coaching inside the Gentle Rebel community. Thank you to the members of the community for being the amazing people they are and for turning up to coaching sessions with courage, open hearts, open minds and being willing to listen and share as feels appropriate within their boundaries. See you next time. Hey, thanks for being here. Thanks for listening, thanks for joining me on my own adventure into what deep, heartfelt success means for me. To explore further, make sure you hit the follow button. It really does help, helps other people to find it.

Speaker 1:

And if you're up for it, scroll right to the bottom of Apple, where they've hidden the review section, and leave me an outstandingly wonderful review. It would be just so lovely. It would make my day. And if you're ready to talk about working with me one-to-one, to go deeper and explore what it looks like, to create your own version of deep, heartfelt success with a powerful coach walking alongside you, I invite you to book a deep, heartfelt success session. There's a link in the show notes below, or you can just go to calendlycom. Forward slash, heidi, mark. Forward slash heartfelt success. I can't wait to meet you and see what that looks like for you, so exciting. Here's to the next evolution of your success. See you in the next episode. Thank you.