Operation “I Can Do Anything Better Than Egypt”

In this episode God’s idiocy is revealed for all to see when he plagues the very people he wants to save. I guess if you can’t hurt the one you hate, hurt everyone. And he does it with janky magic tricks that have dire consequences. Shake your head with us as we uncover Operation “I Can Do Anything Better Than Egypt”.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Hi everyone, this is Cheesepot. I'm coming on before we start the podcast, just to let you know, there will be some background noise with this episode. I do apologize. Jada and I are working on our audio system and we thought we had it, but then that was a hum. So uh I hope this doesn't make the episode any less enjoyable due to the hum in the background. Again, sorry in advance.

SPEAKER_01 1:09

Welcome to What the Fuck Bible Stories. I'm your host, G Spot, and I'm Jada B. Nutty. Thank you for joining us, and feel free to be as unhinged as we are.

SPEAKER_02 1:18

Quick disclaimer we are not here to attack anyone's personal faith. We are just reading the biblical text as is and having fun with it.

SPEAKER_01 1:25

Yes, having fun with it. And Jada, last time we had a time with God's bullshit plan.

SPEAKER_02 1:32

We we we did playing around, playing, playing around. I don't know what to call this crap anymore. Because it's really the more we read it, the more I'm just like, this guy makes no fucking sense. Like how? He's a gun.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

He stayed forgetting his people, and then when he rem remembers them, he starts in on the bullshit. Last episode, he decided not to kill Moses. He told the bitch to go to Pharaoh. Excuse me, he told the bitch to go to all the Israelites elders because slaves have elders. Not elders as in old people, elders as in overseers, like they're not slaves. But anyway, talk to them, threw a little magic. You know, he decided to announce himself again. Hi, Israel, it's me God. Remember me? Because I fucking forget. Remember me?

SPEAKER_02 2:25

The fuck? I'm new to the city was what we should have said. The fuck? Like 400 years, he ain't been there.

SPEAKER_01 2:35

It's like, you know, like when that kid, when they when you punish your child and send him in a room, and then they want to see if you still mad him, they come like, hi mom. Are you still mad? This guy, like, hi's room. How are you? Remember me? But anyway, listen, we got we got a lot to talk about in this episode. Now God's plan is in motion, and this is Operation. I Can Do Anything Better Than Egypt. And y'all will see what we're talking about as we go in. So I'm gonna start us off. Uh, we're still reading from the new revised standard um version, and we're going to be in Exodus 7, so the full chapter. So strap in and strap up, and all rise for the reading of the scripture. Exodus chapter 7.

SPEAKER_04 3:21

The Lord said to Moses, See, I have made you like God to Pharaoh, and your brother Aaron should be your prophet. You shall speak all that I command you, and your brother Aaron shall tell Pharaoh to let the Israelites go out of his land. But I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and I will multiply my signs with wonders in the land of Egypt. When Pharaoh does not listen to you, I will lay my hands upon Egypt and bring my people, the Israelites, company by company, out of the land of Egypt by great acts of judgment. The Egyptians shall know that I am the Lord, when I stretch out my hand against Egypt, and bring the Israelites out from among them.

SPEAKER_01 4:00

Moses and Aaron did so. They did just as the Lord commanded them. Moses was 80 years old, and Aaron eighty-three, when they spoke to Pharaoh.

SPEAKER_04 4:10

The Lord said to Moses and Aaron, When Pharaoh says to you, perform a wonder, then you shall say to Aaron, Take your staff and throw it down before Pharaoh, and it will become a snake.

SPEAKER_01 4:21

So Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh and did as the Lord had commanded. Aaron threw down his staff, the sorcerers, and they also, the magicians of Egypt, did the same by their secret arts. Each one threw down his staff, and they became snakes. But Aaron's staff swallowed up theirs. However, Pharaoh's heart was hardened, and he will not listen to them as the Lord had said.

SPEAKER_04 4:45

When the Lord said to Moses, Pharaoh's heart is hardened, he refuses to let the people go. Go to Pharaoh in the morning as he is going out to the water. Stand by the bank of the Nile to meet him, and take in your hand the staff that was turned into a snake. Say to him, The Lord God of the Hebrews sent me to say to you, Let my people go, so that they may serve me in the wilderness. But until now you have not listened. By this you shall know that I am the Lord. See with the staff that is in my hand, I will strike the water that is in the Nile, and it shall be turned into blood. The fish in the river shall die. The river itself shall stink, and the Egyptians shall be unable to drink water from the Nile. The Lord said to Moses. Say to Aaron, take your staff and stretch it out your hand over the waters of Egypt. Over its rivers, its canals, its ponds, and all its pools of water, so that they may become blood. And there shall be blood throughout the whole land of Egypt, even in vessels of wood and in vessels of steam.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

Moses and Aaron did just as the Lord commanded. In the sight of Pharaoh and of his officials, he lifted up the staff and struck the water in the now. All the water in the river was turned into blood, and the fish in the river died. The river staked so that the Egyptians could not drink its water, and there was blood throughout the whole land of Egypt. But the magicians of Egypt did the same by their secret arts. So Pharaoh's heart remained hardened, and he would not listen to them. As the Lord had said, Pharaoh turned and went into his house, and he did not take even this to heart. And all the Egyptians had to dig along the Nile for the water to drink, for they could not drink the water of the river. Seven days pass after the Lord has struck the Nile. And seen Jada, and I know I say this every episode.

SPEAKER_02 6:46

Maybe we should just put it in our disclaimer when we start off the episode. Like just, you know, after we say, when we say we're not attacking your personal faith, but we're just reading the biblical text as is, because it's bullshit. Like that we should end having fun with it. Like we should say it like that because that way you don't have to say at the beginning of each of these freaking episodes the bullshit right off the back.

SPEAKER_01 7:09

Right. Like, listen, some of this stuff wasn't even planned, y'all. We just this is just an ongoing theme because it's the bullshit. We didn't ask for it. Okay, so let's start from the top, make it drop, that's some wet. Anyway, okay. So last episode we talked how they went to Pharaoh and they was like, look, God said we need to worship him in the wilderness, or he's gonna kill us. And then Pharaoh was like, bitch, get out of my face and go find y'all straw to make bricks. Okay. This is day two, I guess. I don't I don't fucking know. The Bible is just they be all over the place with this. So let's day two, right? This bitch going up to Pharaoh. And then you see, this this nigga God. Okay, see, I have made you like God to Pharaoh. Where? Where did Pharaoh that Moses and that goddamn slave Aaron were gods?

SPEAKER_02 8:06

Like, God be lying his ass off. This is it's like it's just all words at this point. And I'm just kind of like, there's no way I would have all power and not always, you know, in the spirit of Kevin Hart, drop fire on their ass. Like, I mean there's no way you would not see my power every time I come, especially when I've been gone for 400 years. But to hide behind two humans is to a person to a person who on the earth is considered a god is wild work. Just wild work.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

Wow. Like, like we said last episode, he sent a fucking stutter and a slave to do his bidding. And then he said, Oh, but by the way, my Wusisis, with your stutter, you're gonna be like a guy, you're gonna be the stuttering god of Egypt.

unknown 8:59

What the heck?

SPEAKER_01 8:59

What are we doing?

SPEAKER_02 9:01

Why are we doing the plans make no sense? And and you could, it's almost like you can literally be like, This guy wings it every time. Every time he decides to do something. Like, I'm I'm wholeheartedly like, forget the fact that we pointed out that he completely forgot about his people for 400 years. But when he came back, he didn't even come back with a plan. He saw Moses in the street, was like, you know what? That guy worked. Like, I don't even think he put any thought into Moses being the guy that he was gonna pick. It was just that guy worked. He found out about the stutter after he picked the guy, which is why he was trying to kill him. I'm telling you, it was all coming together. This is why none of these plans make any fucking sense. Because he be making it up as he walks.

SPEAKER_01 9:42

And he already said, like, listen, I want some people to suffer. It's been 400 years. I ain't seen enough blood. I ain't seen enough suffering. But so I ain't smelling. I'm gonna tell y'all bitches to do a lot of stuff, to say a lot of stuff to Pharaoh. But none of that's gonna work. Because I'm gonna make his, I'm gonna make his heart hard.

SPEAKER_02 10:03

Crazy work.

SPEAKER_01 10:03

I'm gonna make it hard as a rock. I'm gonna give him the fucking Tony Stark treatment. He's gonna have that little, you know, he's gonna have that little iron, Iron Man thing in his chest. Iron Man. Listen, listen, to all the comic nerds, I don't know what the thing is called, but y'all know the glowy thing in the glowy thing in Tony Stark's chest. That's what God gave Pharaoh. But he didn't get a cool suit with it.

SPEAKER_02 10:32

And I'm gonna pretend to be a blind. Like, are you talking about the Tesseract? No, I'm just like I know that's not what you're talking about. You know what?

SPEAKER_01 10:40

Moving on. And okay, okay. Down in the down to verse 7. Fucking Moses is 80 and Aaron was 83. That just was. We got Jerry Asterix. That's why they fucking have stabs. Them niggas can't walk. 80 and 83, goddammit.

SPEAKER_02 10:56

The God is never beating the allegations. Literally. He he he likes children for pedophilia things, and he likes to employ old people for hard labor and hard work. After what he did to Noah, you would think Noah fucked it up for all the old people because Noah got it done, apparently. So God was just like, oh, if that 600-year-old motherfucker can do it, your 85-year-old ass like springing and steps, sir.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

That was like, Wait, listen, God was like, you stuttering bitch. I just had a 600-year-old nigga building a whole boat to house all them goddamn animals. You better go talk to Pharaoh, god damn it, and do it now. You are damn near baby. That bitch was 600. You only 80. You better put some salve on them knees and get to walking. Yeah, it's man. But that break okay. I don't want to dig too deep into it. But if Moses' fucking 80, remember back in the last episode when Zephora had to cut his son dick tempo? His son was an adult. Why was she playing with her? Why was she playing with her adult son's dick tip?

SPEAKER_02 12:07

The fact that it was the adult son's dick tip that made the guy back off, it almost is like we should have seen this coming. Cause you know how much he liked. Dick. I'm just gonna say it like that.

SPEAKER_01 12:22

But I I thought he would I don't either way it's gross.

SPEAKER_02 12:25

I I don't know why my head is just like either way, I just don't want as a mother if I needed to save my husband with the tip of my son's penis. Husband, it was nice knowing you. I'm not going there. He's 70, he's he's 25. Why why would I do that to him?

SPEAKER_01 12:41

Like, and you know, they didn't have no surges and shit. She probably took a you know what? Okay, let's move on. Because just know better yet.

SPEAKER_02 12:50

No, no, better yet, I'ma hand him the scissors. You can do it yourself, son. I don't have to touch it at all. Like, why is she touching it?

SPEAKER_01 12:58

First of all, I don't serve this bitch. I ain't cutting off shit. That's also Moses. You are a good man. We'll make sure we we'll build a pyre for you when God comes get your ass.

SPEAKER_02 13:11

Well, because you take that, because again, this is why you can say that he's really making it up as he goes. He lights the bush in front of a complete stranger, realizes that he's 80 years old, and was just like, I don't want to use this nigga. And the wife is like, uh-uh, you ain't gonna come up in here and just kill my husband because you won't fuck shit. Boom, out again. She saves his life, and so God, like, fuck it. Now I gotta make this shit work. Where your brother at? You know what? I don't even know. But this is like the other part is he had no intentions of talking to actual Israelites because he went and picked the nigga who've been away from fucking Egypt for almost 40 years at this point, and never lived as a servant.

SPEAKER_01 13:52

Yeah, yeah. Nigga, oh see now. Don't there's no way he ain't seen his his brother in 80 years. He don't know fucking Aaron.

SPEAKER_02 14:03

And he don't even know his wait, wait, no, he never knew his brother. His brother, if he ever his brother ever knew him, he ever knew his brother. It was in the three months that his mother was hiding him. So that's why I say this. He was making it up as he goes because Moses never knew struggle, he never knew what it was like to be an Israelite slave. He was never crying out for motherfucking help. So, like, that's how you know he was just like, first nigga on the road I see, boom, burning bush. Because Moses wouldn't have even been the person to do this on the sheer fact that he had no reason to. He had no reason, he had no attachments to the Israelites as people, and he definitely had no struggles enough to be calling out for some absent fucking 400-year guy. You know, I said those words all backwards. I was meant to say 400-year absent guy. Yo to that shit.

SPEAKER_01 14:52

Yoda that shit. All right, we gotta move on because we we're talking about the last episode. We in a whole new chapter. Okay, so now they're bothering Pharaoh for a second time. Moses and Aaron bitch ass throwing staffs down, turning shit into snakes. And then fucking Pharaoh people do the same shit. I don't want to hear M person no more telling me they know goddamn magic. Okay, I don't want to hear no other Christian talking about God can do things that people can't do. They bitches turning sticks into snake. It it so you see how God tried to clean up this this bullshit talking about well, my snake ate your snake. That's why this title is I Can Do Anything Better Than Egypt. Because it's like, listen, I did a snake, y'all did a snake, but my snake ate yours, therefore, my snake is better. Bitch, sticks are turning into snakes. That's the magic. I don't care who eats who. An inanimate object turns into a reptile?

unknown 15:54

The fuck?

SPEAKER_01 15:54

What are we doing? What are we doing?

SPEAKER_02 15:57

Hogus poke. Once again, why are you not performing these tricks? Why do Aaron have to learn from Moses and then go to the Pharaoh? Like, why? This is how if I was the god I'd have did that shit, I'd have just been like, I just need you niggas to introduce me. Okay? My name is the God. Lord for short. I'll do everything else.

SPEAKER_01 16:19

I don't need no motherfuckers in my niggas. Nigga, I'm God, Lord for short.

SPEAKER_02 16:29

Right. K Yahweh feeling fancy. But just give me a good introduction and I'll do all the work. Why am I sending you two niggas in there to do tricks that I can do and apparently their magicians can do too? Because why do I not know as a guy that they can do this? Why am I not sending tricks that nobody else can do? You know, like turning water into well, wine has been done. So I'm I'm coming back to you on that. But still, I would have came up with some better tricks. Better tricks because I would have known.

SPEAKER_01 17:01

They went to the same magic stop, god damn it. They went to the same magic. But you know what happens? The Egyptian got the$5.99 packet. God gave them the 1099 packet. So the 1099 packet comes with eating snakes. Okay. So spend you a couple of more dollars, you get a little more bang for your trick. You know what I'm saying? You get a little more hocus with your hocus, a little more bibity to your bobity. You know what I'm saying? They went to Jack's magic shop on Route 29. Two miles down the now, make a right Jack's magic shop. Come in and get some snaps. Come in and get you some snaps, and it'll turn into some rabbites on your ass. Hello, somebody.

SPEAKER_02 17:50

I mean, that kind of that kind of shit is supposed to ruin you. Like, you know, when you when you do a trick and somebody else do the trick right in front of you, or or call you out on how you did the trick, that's supposed to ruin you as a magician. Like, God should have been ruined after this. All I expect, at least these first three. At least these first three.

SPEAKER_01 18:07

No, not his narcissistic ass. You know, narcissists, they don't not his narcissistic ass. Okay, so boom. That did do shit. Pharaoh was like, bitch, my magicians can do this too. God was like, but I can do it better. Fuck you, God. Okay, boom. So the next day, so them bitches come to them again. This is the third day. This is the third time. Okay, and this is what I don't like about the Bible. Because you ain't gonna make me fucking believe that the Pharaoh, a god, okay, give these little a stutter and a slave this this type of attention. It would have been off with their heads. First visit, off with your fucking head. I don't know your god. Fuck you and your god. Now you ain't got no head no more. Why he keep coming back? They try to make Pharaoh look weak. Those pharaohs wasn't weak in Egypt. After inbreeding, you know, they got a little weak.

SPEAKER_02 18:54

But there's no version of kingdomship or or Pharisee that has ever not been that of the highest authority. And that's why I'm like, if I was the God with powers, I would understand that about the earth that I created, and I would be the only one to show my powers. I would not send, you know, a cripple and a nobody before what they know have and have known for 400 years as the God on earth. That's it's just like you really look cowardly as far as I'm concerned. God was just like, I got all the power, but I'm gonna let y'all have this. I'm gonna let y'all do this because I feel like y'all need this. Y'all need this. It's ultimate gaslighting. Ultimate gaslighting. Y'all need that, y'all need this come up real quick. Y'all need this come up real quick. I don't need y'all need this. I'm all powerful, but y'all need this.

SPEAKER_01 19:48

So I'm gonna let y'all have like what the I got y'all that 1099 special. Go do what it does.

SPEAKER_02 19:56

Right. Go show the tool. I'm the one that got you what you needed. I got I got you the tool. You have to do this for yourself.

SPEAKER_01 20:03

This is where all this work came into play. Remember that bird Bernie Bush was just a test. That was just a little, that was just a sparkless. Now we're in a bag. Okay, so since we're in the bag, now now we're about to do that. The second trick. As so when I was a Christian serving the sweet baby Jesus, I always thought turning this the staff into a snake was one of the plagues. I don't know why. I always just thought that was a first plague, but that's not a plague. That's just you know, some hocus pocus type shit. But I I really did think that was a plague. But we're actually going to talk about the first plague, which is the first real magic trick that God pulls out of his 1099 hat. So the now, blood. Yeah, whose blood? We don't fucking know. Who bleeding?

SPEAKER_02 20:48

And apparently it wasn't a river, it was just a stream in Egypt, only affecting Egypt, because that's how the water worked back then.

SPEAKER_01 20:56

What the fuck? But see, that's how they they shot themselves in the foot. If you when you go to verse 19, it says the now, the the rivers, the canals, the ponds, and the pools. Even in the vessels of wood and the vessels of stone, the vessels of wood? So you mean the plants die? So you say these plants ain't and this is seven days, okay?

SPEAKER_02 21:19

So the plants didn't get water for seven days, the trees did what what are we you're saying that the flood, I mean not the flood, sorry, the Nile turning to blood was a seven day stretch.

SPEAKER_01 21:33

Yeah, seven days pass after 25. Seven days pass after the Lord has struck the Nile. Seven days they have no water. First of all, there's they don't have water. Their source is the Nile, the the rivers, the canals, the pools, or what every touch of water, even the trees. But then they try to say that they that they um dig on the side of the now to get what they don't eat, that don't make fucking sense. And everything, everybody's dead. You can't survive seven days without water.

SPEAKER_02 22:02

It literally makes no sense.

SPEAKER_01 22:04

Unless you're and you can't eat the fruit because the fruit is all dying, because the trees have blood in it.

SPEAKER_02 22:10

I was just about to say, because I'm now that we're reading this, I I don't know if I uh stated this before, but this is the first time where I've read something other than the King James version of the story. Because the King James version I always fall asleep. There's just no way to get through that shit. And so for me, I've never seen anything other than like children's books or movie versions of this story. And uh, I know when I say movie, most of you motherfuckers know what I'm talking about. Okay, I was a Disney princess. Well, well, it's never princess, but I love Disney. Enough to watch the movies. But with that being said, I never really read this, but now that I'm reading it and knowing for a fact that there was no clean water anywhere for seven days, Egypt what? Egypt who? There would be no land because you to you sucked dry the waters out of the plants. Like you turned the water in the dandelion into fucking blood. There was nothing that could have survived in this area after seven days. For seven days. Fucking ring type Samara, bitch. Seven days. Why are we Samara in the things? Why would even and this is and even with the magicians quote unquote doing the same thing. They did it, but it didn't last for seven days with the Egyptians. That's why it's even with the Egyptians doing it as a quote unquote trip. Your shit was seven days long. No other plays were needed because everything should have been dead at this point if it was still in town. And dead cannot survive seven days without the death. Was it from dang near the top of Africa to like out the out the east coast, I think it is. And I'm just like, there's no fucking way all of the upper northeast side of Africa wouldn't have been dead from this. Seven days with no water? Come on.

SPEAKER_01 24:06

Jada, there's no Egyptians and there's no Israelites. They're Moses and Aaron are gone. You cannot survive seven days without water. In Egypt, that's damn near. You can look at the equator outside your window. Hot ass, literally, hot ass Egypt, they will be all dried and passed out. Everybody's getting a heat fucking stroke. What are we doing? What are we doing? And his little 1099. See, if you pay a little bit more, it'll last for seven days. See, the Egyptians only had the$5.99 special at Jack's Magic Shop. So$5.99 is only good for a couple hours. But you get the$1099 back, you get a good seven days of the red stuff. And why is it?

SPEAKER_02 24:56

You don't why I don't even know why you're asking that question when you the one who reminds us that his favorite color is red every goddamn day. And so, like if you don't know, he could have made it chocolate, you know what I'm saying? He but he didn't want it to be present. So I'm trying to think of something unpleasant he could have made it that wasn't quite as bad as blood. He could have just made the he could have just made the water stink or made it salt water. Yeah, he could have salted it. Exactly. He could have just salted it, but no, he went straight on blood. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 25:28

That's not the seasoning he liked, though. He don't like he don't like lower and seasoning salt. He don't like no, nah, no. That nigga bland as hell. You know he don't put no seasoning on his food.

SPEAKER_02 25:42

You're right. Just throw some blood on it.

SPEAKER_01 25:44

That's enough. That's enough seasoning for me. Just throw some blood on it. And then all the fish die. Right. Gone. There's there's no more aquatic life in Egypt.

SPEAKER_02 25:54

Okay. No aquatic life, no plant. Technically, I want to pinpoint this. No plant life, okay? Because he sucked the water from the plants and turned it into blood.

SPEAKER_01 26:06

Please don't eat blood, God. That's why he failed creation class. Come on, people. Come take our hands and travel down with me. Y'all know that he failed creation class. That's why it's two creation stories. He failed the first one. He done failed it again because he feeding the trees blood.

SPEAKER_02 26:24

He done fed the trees blood, Jada. The kid, like I said, there's no blood. There's no blood. No water nowhere for seven days. Everything that lives on regular water would have wiltered and died, regardless. Humans included. There's no reason for there to be other plagues. But we know this guy likes chaos and he never stops at one. Yep.

SPEAKER_01 26:44

So we're we're gonna mosey right along because the bullshit don't stop. It gets worse, y'all. Y'all know it gets worse. Jada, take it away.

SPEAKER_02 26:53

He didn't give nobody safe space on them at all. So everybody should be dead. But we'll just pretend like this seven days somehow people manage to get some water because we're gonna move on to chapter eight.

SPEAKER_03 27:04

Verse one in chapter eight starts like this: The Lord said to Moses, Go to Pharaoh and say to him, Thus says the Lord, let my people go, so that they may serve me. If you refuse to let them go, I will plague your whole country with frogs. The Nile shall fall with frogs, and shall come up into your palace, into your victims, and your faith, into the house of your officials and of your people, and into your ovens and your meeting bowl. The frogs shall come up on you and on your people and on all of your officials. And the Lord said to Moses, Say to Aaron, stretch out your hand with your staff over the rivers, the canals, the pools, and make frogs come up on the land of Egypt.

SPEAKER_02 27:59

So Aaron stretched out his hand over the waters of Egypt, and the frogs came up and covered the land of Egypt. But the magicians did the same by their secret arts and brought frogs up on the land of Egypt. Then Pharaoh called to Moses and Aaron and said, Pray to the Lord to take away the frogs from me and my people, and I will let the people go to sacrifice to the Lord. Moses said to Pharaoh, Kindly, tell me when I am to pray for you and for your officials and for your people, that the frogs may be removed from you and your houses and be left only in the Nile. And he said, Tomorrow, Moses said, As you say, so that you may know that there is none like the Lord our God, the frogs shall leave you, and your houses, and your officials, and your people. They shall be left only in the Nile. Then Moses and Aaron went out from Pharaoh, and Moses cried out to the Lord concerning the frogs that he had brought upon Pharaoh. And the Lord did as Moses requested. The frogs died in the houses, the courtyards, and the fields, and they gathered them together in heaps, and the land stank. But when Pharaoh saw that there was a respite, he hardened his heart and would not listen to them, just as the Lord had said.

SPEAKER_03 29:18

Then the Lord said to Moses, Say to Aaron, Stretch out your staff and strike the dust of the earth, so that it may become gnats throughout the whole land of Egypt.

SPEAKER_02 29:30

And they did so. Aaron stretched out his hand and with his staff and struck the dust of the earth, and gnats came on humans and animals alike. All the dust of the earth turned into gnats throughout the whole land of Egypt. The magicians tried to produce gnats by their secret arts, but they could not. There were gnats on both humans and animals. And the magician said to Pharaoh, This is the finger of God. But Pharaoh's heart was hardened, and he would not listen to them, just as the Lord had said.

SPEAKER_03 30:02

Then the Lord said to Moses, Rise early in the morning and present yourself before Pharaoh. As he goes out to the water and say to him, Thus says the Lord, let my people go, so that they may serve me. Because if you will not let my people go, I will send swarms of flies on you, your officials and your people and into your houses. The houses of the Egyptians shall be filled with swarms of flies and will be as will the land of the live. But on the day I will set apart the land of ghosts where my people live, so that no swarms of flies shall be there. That you may know that I, the Lord, have in this land. Thus I will make a distinction between my people and your people. This sign shall appear tomorrow.

SPEAKER_02 31:01

The Lord did so, and great swarms of flies came into the house of Pharaoh and into his officials' houses. In all of Egypt, the land was ruined because of the flies. Then Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron and said, Go, sacrifice to your God within the land. But Moses said, It would not be right to do so, for the sacrifices that we offer to the Lord our God are offensive to the Egyptians. If we offer in the sight of the Egyptians sacrifices that are offensive to them, will they not stone us? We must go a three days' journey into the wilderness and sacrifice to the Lord our God as he commands us. So Pharaoh said, I will let you go to sacrifice to the Lord your God in the wilderness, provided you do not go very far away. Pray for me. Then Moses said, As soon as I leave you, I will pray to the Lord that the swarms of flies may depart tomorrow from Pharaoh, from his officials, and from his people. Only do not let Pharaoh again deal falsely by not letting the people go to sacrifice to the Lord. So Moses went out from Pharaoh and prayed to the Lord, and the Lord did as Moses asked. He removed the swarm of flies from Pharaoh, from his officials, and from his people. Not one remained. But Pharaoh hardened his heart this time also and would not let the people go. In scene.

SPEAKER_01 32:24

Jada. Gee! Gee!

SPEAKER_02 32:28

No, I'm serious.

SPEAKER_01 32:29

This idiot guy. What frogs? There ain't no more animals. He done killed everybody the seven days with the blood.

SPEAKER_02 32:36

Listen, I was just about to say, what people are there left to torment because after seven days of bloody waters, like there's nothing left to kill. But I also would say that these are some of the laziest plagues because frogs would be in abundance in swampy water areas anyway. And I kind of feel like he didn't really make more appear. They were just already mating and fucking anyway, and those eggs happened to hatch right around the time he decided to hit them with these plagues.

SPEAKER_01 33:11

Listen, they are in Africa. We see Africa today where people have to sleep with nets because they're uh nets, not gnats, nets in ITS because of the bug problem. This ain't nothing new. They've been dealing with a bug problem. Locusts, uh flies, mosquitoes, mosquitoes, and malaria. Hello. This got like you said, the 1099 bag, it ain't all that. It'll get you through a couple of plagues, but it ain't.

SPEAKER_02 33:44

It gives you a few extra sparklers. You get a few extra sparklers, two extra sleight of hand tricks, and apparently some low-level plagues. Because what are frogs? Like, what are frogs when everything is dead? They just gonna be hopping around and fucking. They have nothing else to do. They don't even have time to eat if we're gonna put them there. But I don't think he had anything to do with these frogs appearing. I'm I'm just gonna say, like, the magicians can do it because they're the ones that do it.

SPEAKER_01 34:12

And question, Jada. Where did all the dead fish go? Because once you purify the water again, there's no more fish.

SPEAKER_02 34:19

Fish, where did all the dead plants go? Like, where did all the dead animals go? Where did all the dead bodies that fell from not getting water for seven days go? Like, nothing has been cleaned up. The babies! The babies need water.

SPEAKER_01 34:34

Nothing's been cleaned, nothing's been cleaned up. Nothing's been cleaned up. There's dead, there's that, that's why Egypt stank. It keeps saying that Egypt stink. It was Egypt was a stink.

SPEAKER_02 34:44

But it also is like for somebody who calls himself coming back to save his people, I don't understand how he felt the best course of action was to fuck them up even more. Because there's nothing that it is really not, I mean, I'm jumping ahead, but it's really nothing until the the uh fourth plague before he decides, oh, by the way, my people and Goshen is gonna be alright. First of all, how did you pick that city? Did you throw a dart at the map of Egypt and was like, boom, that's my city? Like, how did how do you know that those are your Israelites? Especially when the first three plagues, you did not remotely separate them. They've been drinking bloody water, they've been eat uh dealing with the gnats that you send next, the frogs that you send, they've been dealing with the gnats that you send next that eat up on like you're not one time told the gnats or the frogs or the bloody water, stay clean for all my Egyptians here. But now all of a sudden you just throw up a city. How did you pick that city? There's nothing to give us any reason that anybody of significance that were Israelites was in that city. Pretty much the same way he picked Moses. Boom, first person.

SPEAKER_01 35:55

And this is how this is how you know this shit was just a natural occurrence because it says that the frogs died in the houses. So if this was some real magic shit, the frogs would disappear, right? Literally.

SPEAKER_02 36:10

Now they got dead frogs to deal with, or they got of stinky water, stinky dead fish, and dead plants, dead animals, and anybody who died from drinking bloody water for seven days. That's where we're at now.

SPEAKER_01 36:26

Now, now we got dead frogs and dead frogs on the pile. That's why Egypt stayed. Okay, so this is what I want to say. So at Jack's magic shop, okay. See, the Feral Magician got the$5.99, the$5.99 bag. So that comes equipped with snakes, a little Kool-Aid, a little red Kool-Aid, and a couple of frogs. That's all you get in the$5.99 bag. You better make it work.$10.99 bag. You get you some gnats, and you get you a little your flat bag.

SPEAKER_02 37:00

Right. You get you a little bit of authentic fake blood. Authentic fake blood. Not just bloody water. Authentic flake blood to add to water so you can get stretchy a little more. You get two bags of that, and and then you you get two gnat eggs.

SPEAKER_01 37:15

But can we like let's let's let's stop for a moment and just realize what's going on. The first three tricks, and we call it tricks because they're not miracles, people were suffering. All three that God had Moses how God had Aaron do, the Egyptians could do it. So they had power. Come on, somebody, grab our hands, come on down this road with us. If the Egyptians, so they could do it. That's why anything you can do, I can do better. That's why God was like that. Because he knew that they had some power.

SPEAKER_02 37:49

Well, obviously, he didn't know what kind of power because he couldn't even come with original tricks. Like I said, he we went to the he he I'm I'm starting to think he followed them to the magic shop. He was like, What they pick up? They got the$5.99 package, give me the 1099 package. Where you going? I'm going to Egypt. I'm going to Egypt. I know this is where they shop. So that's all he went in with the knowledge of. Because there's no there's no way I'm showing up doing the same tricks as motherfuckers. And I'm supposed to be all powerful. There's no way. That's why I said he followed them, got their tricks. That's why he employed Randall's across the board. And then gats. First of all, gnats would have came naturally. They would have came naturally after all of the death. Okay? They didn't need to be summoned by the God. They were on the way. Okay. They smelled that shit down in uh Zimbabwe. They was like, you know what? Smells like Egypt is dying right now.

SPEAKER_01 38:45

They smell that with that shield roll. They still smell that shit. They were like, we gotta go to China. Y'all, y'all nice over here, but we got some shit we gotta deal with. We got some dying. We got a buffet.

SPEAKER_02 39:00

We got a feast ahead of us.

SPEAKER_01 39:03

We got a buffet. We got a smortgage burg over here.

SPEAKER_02 39:07

Resort of smorgage mortgages is taking place up in Egypt. We have to go. The gnats were on the way. They didn't need to be something.

SPEAKER_01 39:15

I would say not even the gnats and the flies, because you know flies like you degree. Listen like shit. Listen. They like dead carcasses. Yep. The scene, the flies, you know, flies and they lava and then maggots. There's just. Oh God.

SPEAKER_02 39:33

On top of dead fish, dead animals, dead plants, dead bodies, and anybody who had to drink bloody water for seven days.

SPEAKER_01 39:41

People in various stages of decomposition, flies everywhere, maggots everywhere. It's disgusting.

SPEAKER_02 39:51

Listen, and it's funny to me because he waits until the fly plague to be like, don't worry, Goshen's not gonna get in this shit. But they still got dead animals, dead blasts, dead bloody water, flies, thank you, baby, dead gnats and frogs. Like you didn't protect them at no point before now was almost like everything else and afterthought. Oh shit, I gotta pretend like somebody special. Dark boom.

SPEAKER_01 40:20

But he's not protecting the slaves that's inside the Egyptian, they uh the Pharaoh's house, the official's house. No, he ain't protecting no slaves, those are the quote unquote proteins protect them.

SPEAKER_02 40:32

He didn't even introduce himself to them. They don't know what the fuck is going on. They just waking up every day with shit getting weird. Like seven days of blood, another day of nasty. Oh my god, maybe we should try and move. Oh, that's right. I don't have shit. I can't move. Like, that's what they were in there screaming about. They weren't thinking about a god in this situation. Like, what the fuck? The only people who are aware of this shit is Pharaoh, Pharaoh officials, who the niggas he talked to, Moses and Aaron. That's it. Don't nobody else know what the fuck is going on in Egypt.

SPEAKER_01 41:07

Don't nobody know what's gonna be because after that, he don't go back and talk to the elders no more. He like, fuck y'all. I'm I'm godlike status bullshit. Moses' 80-year-old self-forgetting shit. Aaron 83. Geriatrics causing plagues and shit.

SPEAKER_02 41:26

It's being plagues again. The first plague was more than enough to get this shit done, but then he followed it up with three mediocre ass probably already happening in this region shit.

SPEAKER_01 41:41

But let's talk about it, Jada. If he's playing around with Pharaoh's organs, he could have just released that shit and be like, hey, you know what? I don't fucking need y'all anymore. Get the fuck out of Egypt.

SPEAKER_02 41:53

It's it's literally the all-powerful thing to do. That would be the all-powerful thing to do. After you left the motherfuckers for 400 years, literally. I would have just reached down with my hand and said, Climb aboard. You're not an Israelite. Please get off my hand.

SPEAKER_01 42:12

You know what? I'm gonna make y'all paradise. I'm just gonna, it's gonna be an oasis east of the Nile. Just walk down three miles, turn left.

SPEAKER_02 42:21

I owe you the cactus. I owe you guys some property. My bad. I, you know, I just built it. So I just came to pick you guys up.

SPEAKER_01 42:28

If you see the scorpion rock, you've gone too far. Turn back, nigga, where the cactuses are, make a left, and there's paradise.

SPEAKER_02 42:37

I built you a bridge straight to the paradise. You don't even have to find it. I fucked this up. My bad. I know I promised it 400 years ago, but here you go. Easy, easy peasy, easy peasy. Only Israelites. Only Israelites. No, not you, Egyptian. Only Israelites. Thank you. Like it could have it could have been easy and peaceful. I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna Thano snap y'all there. Right.

SPEAKER_01 43:01

Just gonna Thanos snap.

SPEAKER_02 43:02

It would have been perfect. Like, literally, all powerful. There's so many easier ways we could have done this, but nope. This God, per usual, chooses chaos. And there's an absorbent amount of chaos because we're only four plagues in, and it's already like, why? Thank you!

SPEAKER_01 43:20

Plague one, we dead. Okay, nigga, we gone. Because the blood is the blood is blooding. But we have reached the end of this episode. But please stay tuned because we got more bullshit on the way. And Jada and I are gonna go down to Jack's Magic shop and see what that$5.99 package is about. Because the$10.99 is about that bullshit.

SPEAKER_02 43:45

I'm looking for the$2099 package at this point. Okay, like I got to be better than I gotta be better than the guy. You're trying to end the world now. Literally, I gotta be better than the guy. If it was this easy to be as good as the guy, I got to be better. I'm going for the 2099 package.

SPEAKER_01 44:00

She about to build she about to build another arc. She's about to live for 600 years and shit with that 2099 package.

SPEAKER_02 44:07

Hold on. I'm just saying. Okay, count my little coins. And I, you know, I really hope you guys come back to listen to the rest of these plays because again, we are going through and finding out that the God just is like, I can do anything better than you, and more than likely, I'm gonna do way more than you. So it's that's how the God works. But until then, if you have any questions, please take it up with your God, not us.

SPEAKER_01 44:29

Peace, love, and laugh. Bye.