Thoroughly ADHD
I'm Alex Delmar, a certified ADHD coach and person with ADHD. I'm here to share what I've learned so other people with ADHD can enjoy better lives!
Thoroughly ADHD
Fishmonger Fiasco: How a Simple Shopping Trip Exposed My ADHD Triggers
Facing a meltdown when you're supposed to be an ADHD expert is humbling. That's exactly what happened to me at a grocery store fish counter, where a simple question spiraled into tears, frustration, and me contemplating an eight-mile walk home rather than getting back in the car with my boyfriend.
What triggers these seemingly disproportionate emotional responses? For those of us with ADHD, emotional dysregulation isn't just being "oversensitive" – it's a neurological reality that can ambush us when we least expect it.
The real value comes in what happens after the meltdown. I demonstrate how I approach these situations like a scientist studying my own behavior and develop strategies that acknowledge my brain's unique wiring. Whether you're managing your own ADHD or supporting someone who is, you'll gain practical insights into creating customized strategies for managing ADHD symptoms.
Have you experienced similar meltdowns? What strategies have helped you navigate emotionally overwhelming situations? Share your experiences and join our community dedicated to understanding and thriving with ADHD.
Hello there and welcome to Thoroughly ADHD. I'm Alex Delmar, an ADHD coach. I struggled with untreated ADHD for a long time and I learned a few hacks along the way. Then I became certified as a coach and learned a whole lot more about the ADHD brain and how to manage it. I'm here to share what I've learned with you.
Alex Delmar:Today I'll be talking about what I think is the most humiliating aspect of having ADHD: the meltdown. Now I know that I need to psych myself up for certain situations and that I should avoid others entirely, but every once in a while I get a little too comfortable and, wham, I'm blindsided by emotional overwhelm in a situation where I should have been able to predict my reaction. I know that shopping, especially at the grocery store, will entail any number of scenarios that I potentially struggle with, including overly bright fluorescent lights, screaming children, the item I want is out of stock or discontinued. Other shoppers blocking the aisle or crowding me if I don't get out of their way fast enough, standing in line while someone breathes down the back of my neck, the frustration of trying to pay for produce at self-checkout. It's just a lot. So for years I have followed strict rules around shopping to minimize those triggers. Unless it's an emergency, I only enter the store with a list, midweek, about 45 minutes before they close, never when I am late for something, and I go in with absolutely no expectation of assistance from the employees. These guidelines mean I start out calm, I don't have to deal with too many other people and the shelves are more likely to be full. But now I have a significant other who would rather be getting ready for bed at 10 pm than going grocery shopping, and I'm trying to get my schedule more in line with his to maximize the time we have to spend together.
Alex Delmar:Anyway, last Sunday afternoon I was running errands with Brian and he stopped at the store to grab supplies for his lunch this week. I knew I should wait in the car, it being a Sunday afternoon, but because they carry a few items my regular store doesn't, and I thought it would be fun to shop with Brian, and I got this brilliant idea to make fish for dinner, I went in. This store has nice lighting and wide aisles and with Brian to distract me, I thought I'd be okay.
Alex Delmar:Then we got to the fish counter. I see this beauty labeled "red snapper pan. It still has its head in scales, but it looks like it's been cut open. So I ask the lady behind the counter does this mean pan dressed? She looks confused. So I ask again, thinking that she didn't hear me. But she's still confused. So I say it looks like it's been cut open. She answers yeah, the guts are taken out. Well, that sounds perfect to me, s o I ask, "how do I cook it? At this point I have broken every single guideline for keeping my cool while shopping, but somehow I haven't realized I'm in a danger zone. Anyway, she doesn't know the answer. So she calls out to the other guy behind the counter. He yells over just throw it on the grill or in the oven. I say I don't have a grill. Besides, it's winter, but whatever, he said it like I'm stupid and after already having to repeat myself to his co-worker, I'm primed for embarrassment. I can feel myself getting all hot and yet I ask something like do I just throw it in a baking dish? At the same time he's saying just make sure it's cooked all the way. No kidding, and how do I do that? I think to myself.
Alex Delmar:I'm really feeling like an idiot now so I start to over-explain that I mostly cook fillets of something like cod. And Brian, who's probably trying to be helpful, asks, "why don't you just get the cod?", which was hiding in the corner and having been distracted by the beautiful snapper, I hadn't even noticed it. Now I've realized I need this interaction to end quickly. So I say, fine, I'll just get the cod. And then I don't know why. But Brian said well, you don't have to yell at them about it. And I said I'm not yelling because I wasn't. And he said you kind of are. You know, in that snotty tone people use to shut you down. Now I'm fighting back tears, so do the unhelpful employees. I blurt out I'm sorry for taking your time. I've changed my mind. I turn to Brian and quietly enough, he couldn't mistake it for yelling. I practically growl and you just stay away from me and I race out of there without any of the items I went in for. When I got to the car I texted him get whatever you like, I'm not cooking dinner and was so upset that I google mapped the distance to walk home, but not upset enough to actually walk the eight miles so close to dusk.
Alex Delmar:If you have ADHD, this type of situation may sound familiar to you, though I imagine that any neurotypical person (that's someone who's living without a brain difference) hearing this story, is wondering whether I'm mentally stable. And I am, though this is not the first time I've left a store in tears. If you don't understand emotional dysregulation, that seemingly illogical behavior and out-of-scale reaction you sometimes see with ADHD, you might accuse me of being overly sensitive, childish, bratty, ridiculous. I've been called these and worse, and maybe it's true, but this emotional dysregulation is a hallmark of the ADHD brain and it can be very difficult to keep it in check. The good news is that with ADHD, there's often a reliable and predictable cause and effect between the environment and the overreaction to it, but you need to suss it out and then modify the scenario so it's easier for you to deal with.
Alex Delmar:So, if I'm such an expert in managing ADHD behavior, what happened in this case? First, I broke my own rules of engagement for grocery shopping. Those strategies I developed after debriefing myself on many upsetting, frustrating and/ or unsuccessful trips to the store and identifying what went wrong; they really helped me to be successful in navigating that particular minefield.
Alex Delmar:Second, even though I've moved to a new area, become involved in a relationship after many years as a single person, and I've changed my schedule around. I haven't developed new strategies for shopping, even though I know that any change in my circumstances might make old game plans less effective, and I didn't put the extra effort required to maintain my existing strategies as much as possible.
Alex Delmar:Third, I ignored the cues that I was losing my cool. Emotionally, I felt unheard and misunderstood. And then the fish guy made me feel stupid, which I know is my number one trigger. Physically, I noticed when I started to feel hot and generally uncomfortable, but I pressed forward anyway. Then I got the lump in my throat, which is the red alert to disengage ASAP. And the whole situation was amplified when I felt misunderstood by my boyfriend and the tipping point was when he showed me he didn't have my back, which is my other number one trigger. Yes, I have two number one triggers!
Alex Delmar:Fourth, if I'd been paying attention over the last few months, I'd have realized that running errands with Brian is really fun about 50% of the time, but leads to my hurt feelings 30% of the time, and the other 20% are disasters that make me temporarily wonder why I bother to be in a relationship at all. It's not his fault. I need to be responsible for keeping track of my triggers and minimizing my exposure to them.
Alex Delmar:If you stick around, next I'll talk through how I figure out what I might do to minimize the chances of this happening to me again. Hopefully you'll find that process helpful in developing your own guidelines for dealing with potentially tricky situations.
Alex Delmar:So I'm forever reminding my clients and myself that if you have ADHD, it's helpful to approach things like a research scientist. The subject of study is your own life. Like any good researcher, you notice a problem, hypothesize what might resolve the problem, test out your hypothesis, consider the results and then decide whether to accept, modify, or reject your original hypothesis. If you want to live the best life possible, this is a continual process that you should be applying to all aspects of your life..
Alex Delmar:My recent grocery store meltdown was a glaring reminder that I need to be continually assessing if my strategies are holding up. To apply the scientist model to this situation, first, I need to consider what's changed. I've relocated to another state. This means I don't know where to find my favorite products, a lot of the stores close earlier here, they're further away, and the driving is more difficult after dark. Also, I'm much less frequently in my car as I'm working from home and I usually walk if I'm going out in the evening, meaning I need to consider the trip to and from the store as well, so I don't have to deal with heavy traffic, which is another situation I find frustrating. What's not changed are all the aspects that made shopping difficult for me in the first place, so it's probably best that I stick to as much of my old plan as possible. That means avoiding the busiest hours and low stock times, like weekends.
Alex Delmar:Having thought through the issues that living in a new environment has brought, I can see that I need to plan farther ahead to avoid frustration in the store. Now that I know the issue, I can brainstorm ideas on how I might be better prepared. I have all these weird food sensitivities and can only eat very specific brands. So the most obvious solution is to write up a list of stores and which products they carry and I should have that on me at all times and I'll write the location of the store and the hours they're open right next to the name. Then at least, if I find myself in the area, I know what I'm looking for and I don't have to meander down every aisle. I also should buy a few of every item on each trip so I don't have to drive 45 minutes every time I want ramen noodles. I might have to consider what I want to eat sooner than in the moment. So eventually I might need to come up with some sort of outline for potential meals for a week or so. That's another change. When it was just me, I could repeat the same meal for weeks on end, or I'd just eat a lot of eggs and cheese. I hate wasting time and some of the stores are 20 to 30 minutes away from my house but relatively close to each other, so maybe I could plan all the shopping for a specific day.
Alex Delmar:So, this process can be frustrating. There are so many directions you can take and it's really easy to spiral into overthinking. Now's a good time to remember this is a work in progress. It doesn't need to be perfect. It's just a hypothesis. Sometimes we fall into the trap of thinking if we can just come up with the perfect plan, our lives will magically be easier. But it's really hard to create the perfect plan in a vacuum and it's easier to maintain smaller changes over time than if we plan to wake up one day and be a completely different person. Now, I did just read in the book "Power of Habit about foundational or keystone habits. These make it easier to make bigger, long-lasting changes, but that's a topic for another day.
Alex Delmar:One last note: this process can require a lot of overcoming objections. They're your own objections, but they need to be overcome or you won't make any progress at all. So take a few minutes to consider anything that might be a roadblock to implementing your strategy in the moment, even if it's just you don't feel like it, and have a plan for how you will address it when it arises.
Alex Delmar:This episode I talked about meltdowns and how I try to manage them. Your time is valuable, so I hope you found it informative or entertaining. Thanks!