Thoroughly ADHD
I'm Alex Delmar, a certified ADHD coach and person with ADHD. I'm here to share what I've learned so other people with ADHD can enjoy better lives!
Thoroughly ADHD
Masking, Manners, And Being Yourself
We weigh the tension between masking and authenticity for ADHD brains and share a practical way to read rooms, set limits, and stay true to our values. The goal is not perfection but skill: calibrate behavior to context without erasing yourself.
• when moderation serves care rather than fakery
• how context changes expectations and effort
• using pause, scan, ask to read a room
• setting goals and choosing traits to amplify
• planning breaks to self-regulate and exit well
• observing norms before engaging in new spaces
• running small experiments and reading feedback
• debriefing to refine behaviors and protect values
• knowing when environments don’t deserve you
• staying open to find people who love your spark
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In a conversation with a new potential friend, I admitted that I find some relationships exhausting because it takes effort to curb impulsivity and act appropriately for long stretches of time. She accused me of being fake and inauthentic, but I do it to be considerate of those around me, not to be fake. For instance, at that moment I wanted to say, "F you", but I didn't do it because I'm a nice person and I didn't want to ruin the evening for our host. I did decide this person was definitely not a potential friend. But that interaction raised the question on the scale between fully masking on one end, if that's even possible, and being completely yourself on the other, how do you find the intersection of socially acceptable behavior with a personally acceptable level of authenticity?
Alex Delmar:I'm Alex Delmar, a certified ADHD coach and person with ADHD. Welcome to Thoroughly ADHD, where I share what I've learned to help other people with ADHD enjoy better lives.
Alex Delmar:Out in the world, most of us with ADHD, if we want to be accepted and liked, need to consciously moderate, or mask, our behavior. The amount of energy we need to expend depends on the severity of our symptoms, our audience, and the situation. Expectations differ from a mosh pit to a board meeting. But if we consider which type of environment we're in and what kind of people we're with, and how much we care what these people think of us, we can guesstimate how much we can let our guard down without negative consequences.
Alex Delmar:Finding that tipping point without going over the side seems to require a deliberate process of trial and error where you find the appropriate balance between expressing your unique qualities and maintaining good manners while holding on to your values. It's a somewhat complex undertaking, but an important learning experience. As you go through it, you may realize that participation in some situations requires you to give up too much of yourself, or that the benefits of belonging to a certain group are not worth the energy required to fit in.
Alex Delmar:That being said, if you care to, there are some steps you can take to figure out the tolerance of a setting for you to act with wild abandon, or if you might want to tone it down. Entering a new situation is a transition, so instead of blindly rushing in, use your Pause, Scan, Ask technique to assess the general energy level, volume, and atmosphere of the room, and then take a moment to prepare yourself mentally to match the environment, or consciously decide to shake things up.
Alex Delmar:Remind yourself why you are there. Is it to learn something, do your job, or relax with friends? Which of your traits can you lean into to best meet that goal? Interacting with others doesn't mean just curbing negative behaviors, it's also a chance for you to present your unique qualities as strengths.
Alex Delmar:Before you join the others, use your prior experience in similar settings to plan when you should take a break to self-regulate and reassess the environment and when you should leave. It can be a set time or contingent on your own behavior or contingent on an external event. Whatever lets you maintain your spark, stay in control of yourself, and end on a positive note.
Alex Delmar:If this is an unfamiliar environment, to avoid inadvertently breaking the norms of the group and causing yourself unnecessary grief, try to find out the expectations for participants. Don't do anything until you've spent some time observing the group and gathering cues that relate to your dominant qualities. For instance, if you like to ask questions, you need to know if you can shout them out in the middle or if you should wait and raise your hand at the end.
Alex Delmar:Once you've established a baseline for behavior with particular people or in a particular setting, you can do experiments to test the tolerance for diversity. For instance, show your enthusiasm for a topic or drop an obscure factoid and clock the reactions. If people react positively, try another experiment. If the reactions are neutral, you've probably reached their limit. If the reactions are hostile, you can try backpedaling. And if you've accidentally hurt someone, of course, apologize for that. But don't apologize for who you are.
Alex Delmar:Take the time to debrief yourself afterward. Which behaviors do you want to repeat, or do you need a plan to avoid in the future? Which traits served you well, or might be more useful in a different setting? Which values are you unwilling to compromise? Remember, even if you weren't well received, it's possible you didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes other people are just jerks.
Alex Delmar:If you find yourself modifying your behavior to please others without any respite, you may need to change your environment. It's demoralizing to never be able to fully relax into who you are, and it damages your self-concept to always hide how you're feeling.
Alex Delmar:I still misjudge situations or I lose myself in the moment and get chastised for it, even by people I thought of as safe. I'm still caught off guard when that happens, and it still hurts my feelings. But if I never put my real self out there, I'd never find those wonderful people who love me ADHD and all.
Alex Delmar:I'm Alex Delmar and this is Thoroughly ADHD. If this topic resonated with you, please like, subscribe, or drop a comment. Thanks.