How To Navigate Family Gatherings When You Have ADHD

Here's a practical plan to make holiday gatherings calmer and kinder for ADHD brains. We can't control our relatives, but we can control our expectations, our choices, and our escapes. 

• reframing holidays with self-acceptance
• planning for positives and known triggers
• early warning signs and emotional check-ins
• discreet breaks to reduce overload
• food boundaries and bringing safe options
• limiting or skipping alcohol to stay regulated
• focusing on what we can control

Chapters

• 0:00 Why Holidays Feel Hard With ADHD
• 0:38 Coach Introduction And Purpose
• 0:52 Set Expectations With Self-Acceptance
• 1:22 Prepare Positives And Plan Around Triggers
• 2:12 Noticing Red Flags And Taking Breaks
• 2:55 Food Boundaries Without Spotlight
• 3:55 Alcohol, Meds, And Self-Control
• 4:48 Recap And Closing Invitation

Transcript

Alex Delmar: 0:00

Getting together with family and old friends is supposed to be the highlight of a holiday, but for those of us with ADHD, these gatherings can be very stressful. There's a lot of opportunity for us to feel misunderstood or have our feelings hurt. People may fall back into behavior patterns from childhood. Offhand remarks carry a lifetime's weight behind them, and being told we're just too sensitive doesn't help matters. But there are steps you can take to lower the risk of your lovely gathering being ruined by big emotions, raised voices, and recriminations.

Alex Delmar: 0:38

I'm Alex Delmar, a certified ADHD coach and person with ADHD. Welcome to Thoroughly ADHD, where I share what I've learned to help other people with ADHD enjoy better lives.

Alex Delmar: 0:52

There are some things you can't control. For instance, you may have relatives who don't believe in ADHD, or that it affects your ability to remain focused on the conversation through the entirety of a multi-course dinner. But you can frame your expectations through a lens of self-acceptance. You are a work in progress, and giving yourself grace for missteps will increase your chances of making it through the holidays unscathed.

Alex Delmar: 1:22

If your family interactions tend to be negative, you can protect yourself by loading up on positive interactions with friends beforehand. And arm yourself with a list of all your positive qualities to review when it seems you've been judged and found wanting.

Alex Delmar: 1:41

To increase the likelihood of a positive experience, remember what you liked best about previous events and plan how you might promote similar engagement this time around. Also, consider which potential recurrences you are dreading and what you might do to prevent them. For instance, if you know that your late arrival sets Uncle Joe on edge from the start, how can you ensure that you will get there on time?

Alex Delmar: 2:12

You can remain in control of your own actions. Don't bait people into topics you know upset them, and recognize your own triggers and red flags. Know what happens when you are moving into a negative head space. Do you feel hot, get a lump in your throat, or clench your fists? Periodically check in with yourself for warning signs that you need to take a breather to regulate your emotions.

Alex Delmar: 2:41

You should have some plan ahead of time, but keep a lookout for possible non-disruptive escapes for when you need a break from the emotional and sensory overload associated with holiday get-togethers. Can you take a bathroom break, clear the table, or help in the kitchen, take the dog for a walk, or bring the kids outside for a game of tag? The goal is to calmly leave the action without offending anyone or making yourself a target for criticism.

Alex Delmar: 3:14

Speaking of making yourself a target, if you have extensive food allergies or diet restrictions, don't make a big deal about it at the table. Don't expect that the host has prepared anything you can eat, though thank them if they make an attempt. Do bring a side dish to share and immediately plate a big serving for yourself. Or you can even bring yourself an entire meal ready to eat. Going hungry while everyone else enjoys holiday delicacies, sets you up to feel sorry for yourself and to be grumpy and will not help you make happy memories.

Alex Delmar: 3:55

Possibly the most important thing in your control is to avoid drinking alcohol. A lot of the ADHD-related behaviors that cause problems in social situations, such as remembering to respect personal space and modulate our volume and not make rude remarks, are exacerbated by alcohol. It is extremely difficult to remain self-aware and stay in control of our emotions with a buzz. Impulsivity and sheer inattention put us at risk of accidentally drinking too much, and some of our medications will heighten the effects. So if you must drink, like it just isn't the holiday without Aunt Sarah's mulled wine, only have one and nurse it as long as possible.

Alex Delmar: 4:48

To recap, you can't control the behavior of others, but you can control your experience of a holiday get-together by promoting the aspects of it that you most enjoy, putting a few limits on your own behavior, giving yourself grace, and recognizing when you need a break from the action. I'm Alex Delmar. I hope you're able to use some of these ideas to better enjoy your holiday. If so, please like, follow, or subscribe, and come back next week. Thanks for listening to "Thoroughly ADHD".