10. Incongruence, Part 1: The cost of misalignment

I'm diving into one of the most overlooked but critical issues in online business: incongruence.

This is  something few people name, but almost everyone feels. When what you're saying on the outside doesn't match what you're feeling on the inside, your audience can sense it — even if they don’t know how to explain it. And it’s costing you more than you think.

Listen to hear more about:

• The three stages of incongruence that show up at every level of business — from early growth to long-term success
• Why your audience picks up on energy that doesn’t match your words — and how that creates resistance and disconnection
• How unconscious fears around worth and validation get wrapped up in your marketing — and what that does to your message
• A more grounded, whole, and sustainable way to market — one that builds trust, connection, and real momentum

This conversation is deep, and it matters. If you've ever felt like something is “off” in your business but you couldn’t name it, this might be what you've been feeling all along.

This is the first in a two-part series on incongruence, and be sure to tune in next week for Part 2.

Transcript

Hey friends, you're listening to Liberatory Business. I am your host, Simone Seol, and thank you so much for tuning in for the first time or once again. I want to talk about something that I think is the most under-discussed topic in business and one that is quietly killing more businesses than almost anything else I could think of. But it almost never gets the attention that it deserves, and that is the topic of incongruence.

I'm going to devote this episode and the one following it to breaking this down and teaching you a really strong foundation of what you need to know about how to spot incongruence, why incongruence does not work in marketing, and how to heal those patterns of incongruence.

Here's what I'm going to start with: people can feel us before they listen to us. People feel us instinctively, unconsciously, energetically. We all have these spidey senses, and we are all sensing each other all the time in ways that go way beyond and below verbal recognition, even to our own selves.

This is the layer of business communication that almost nobody talks about because it's the unseen layer. Long before someone reads words from your email or a response to your Instagram caption, they're picking up on something invisible, something deeper, which is your energy, your intention, and your inner state. And when what you're saying doesn't quite match what you're being, that's a dissonance, that's a gap. Most people can feel it, even if they can't name it. This gap is incongruence.

A really simple example looks like this: when you say, "Hey, hire me. I can help you to transform your life," but somewhere beneath the surface, what the other person is actually feeling is what you are feeling inside, which is, "Oh my God, I hope this works. I hope this works so that I can feel enough."

And the truth is, that's really human. We all have moments of that. I have moments of that all the time. I put out something vulnerable or not even vulnerable, and hope that other people will validate me so I can feel like I'm okay. Happens all the time to everyone. But when it becomes the operating system of your marketing, when you are constantly making decisions from that, and when you constantly get tethered to that, that's when things get messy.

Here's where it gets really interesting. Incongruence is not just a problem when you're in the initial building phase. It actually becomes an even bigger problem and even more seductive trap when you've already achieved a measure of success.

I created a little framework that I'll be sharing with you today. I call it the three stages of marketing incongruence because, like I said, it starts from the person who's just started a business to even the most successful levels. It's not a rigid system. It's not like you have to belong to one or the other. It's just a simple lens for understanding the common patterns around how people get caught in this.

Let's start with stage one. This is where a lot of us start. This is the phase where our business becomes, often unconsciously, a kind of search for a sense of personal worth. We're searching for safety and belonging. We're not just selling a service or product. We're seeking, unconsciously, proof that we matter, that we belong, that we're enough, and that we're special.

This is how you'll know if you are in stage one of this. You feel very anxious and hyper-attached to outcomes. You're refreshing your sales dashboard constantly. You're constantly refreshing your email or DMs to see if anyone reached out. You feel crushed by those unsubscribes or unfollows, and you feel stuck in this perfectionist loop with your content. You notice that marketing feels exhausting, frozen, vulnerable, and you even catch yourself being performative, like you're always on stage in front of an audience of critics trying to win their approval or at the very least hope that they won't boo you away.

And the thing is, when you're in this state, your audience can sense it too, even if they don't consciously realize it. I want to be very clear here: there's no shame in this. I can't think of a single entrepreneur that I know in any industry that hasn't experienced this in the growth phase. It's incredibly common. It's normal. It's human. And when that becomes your operating system, that's how so many brilliant, creative entrepreneurs feel burnt out before their business even goes anywhere. That's why they become disconnected from their work, even though they started the business because they love their work. They get disillusioned with the marketing entirely. So many people call it quits. They just quit before their thing has even a chance to gain traction because right from the get-go, you're like, "This sucks. This is really painful."

Notice if you recognize yourself in what I'm talking about. That was stage one. Let's talk about stage two. This is the stranglehold of success. You are still looking for business to provide you with inner validation, a sense of your enoughness and belonging. This shows up after things have gone technically well. You've built something that works. People are paying you. People are paying attention. It's all working. You've reached the goals that you were once dreaming about, and yet, instead of feeling free, powerful, abundant, trusting, you feel the opposite.

You feel stuck, afraid, maybe even more afraid than when you were just starting out. Why? Because now you have something to lose. Here's how you know you're in stage two: you've achieved some measure of success and you feel trapped by it. You feel hesitant to pivot or evolve or change things up in your business, not because you don't want to, but because you're afraid of disappointing people, confusing people, or breaking what's working, having your sales go down. So you find yourself standing on tiptoes, continuing to put up that performance on stage, looking at what feels like an audience of people who are ready to abandon you or be disappointed by you and boo you.

Because of that, you find yourself constantly editing, filtering, hustling harder and harder to make people happy. The work that once felt creative, exciting, passionate, is throttling you. This is where incongruence becomes really challenging because the version of you that built your current business is not necessarily the version of you that's here now, and it's not who you want to become. But in order to honor those authentic changes and evolutions that you're going through, it requires you to take some risks. And it's so hard to take those risks when you feel like you're still performing for people's approval and trying to ensure that you keep getting paid.

That's stage two. Notice if any of that resonates with where you are.

Stage three, the final stage, is when things blow up in unpleasant ways. This is often the hardest. You haven't fixed the incongruence that was accumulating in the earlier parts of the process, so all of that stacked-up incongruence just explodes. Things aren't exploding because you failed. It's not because you did something wrong. It's because your mind, body, spirit are letting you know, sending an unignorable signal that says, "Hey, we can't keep doing this."

This is where things start to break down. Sometimes people set everything on fire. Sometimes it happens over time. Sometimes it's one dramatic moment. This is what happens when the tension between what you're doing and what feels true becomes too big to ignore and impossible to sustain, even with effort. This is not because you're lazy or doing something wrong or lack discipline. It's happening because your system is wise and saying, "We have to do something different."

I wonder if you recognize yourself in any of these stages. It's a big, heavy thing to contemplate.

Take a deep breath with me. Having laid that out theoretically, I want to invite you into an exercise that will get to the heart of it for you.

I'm going to ask you to complete a sentence. I gave you the stages — stage one is when you're just starting out, where so many of us unconsciously look for affirmation of our worth, belonging, and uniqueness from our business. If you're in stage two or three, it's when things are already working, but it feels like a trap. There's a difference between what you think is necessary to get people to like and pay you versus how you truly want to be.

So if you're in stage one, ask yourself: If I keep doing this work and don't see any external validation or results for the rest of my life, it means what? Or if you're in stage two or three: If I lose the popularity, income, and external validation I’ve achieved so far, that means what?

Take a moment here. This can really make you stop and think. It can be emotionally activating. There’s no right answer — it's just about being honest with yourself, maybe more honest than you've ever been.

This is about facing your worst fear head-on. If you never get any external validation for this work, what does that mean? If you lose what you’ve built and people stop liking you or paying you, what does that mean?

This is the fundamental fear so many of us run laps trying to avoid. It’s the fear that drives people to buy course after course, hire coach after coach, and chase healing endlessly — because looking at this fear directly feels too scary.

So let’s look at it together. If you never make a good living doing this work — and I’m not saying you won’t — if you never become recognized as an expert, if the community that sees and values your gifts never materializes, then what do you fear is true about you, your work, your place in the world?

Is it: I’m not good at this. I was never meant to do this. I’m not worthy. My life is pointless. I’m a failure. Whatever the answer is — that’s what you're energetically asking your people to save you from, even while telling them, “I can help you.”

Let that sink in.

When you say, “Buy from me because I can help you,” but you’re unconsciously communicating, “Help me, save me from my worst fears, validate me, pay me,” people can pick up on it.

It’s like trying to drive with one foot on the gas and the other on the brake. Your car’s not going anywhere, and you’re burning out your engine in the process.

When you have this incongruence going on, it makes people feel unsafe being marketed to, because it’s an instinctively unsafe experience — being told one thing while picking up on something very different.

Our primitive brains — the part shaped by evolution — are incredibly good at picking up these subtle mismatches. You're either marketing from your wholeness or from your holes.

The holes are those empty spaces we try to fill with external validation, money, success. That becomes a vacuum that drains your marketing and the trust in your relationships.

If you're like most people I talk to, this is probably a lot to process. Take time for yourself. Be gentle and compassionate. If you're recognizing yourself in any of this, it's not a personal failing. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. You're not broken or selfish. This happens to everyone — including me.

I’ve healed a lot from this over the years, but am I 100% healed? No. I’m a flawed, vulnerable human who likes affirmation and security like everyone else. It’s not just you.

And here's the good news. But first, I want to address some of the most common questions I get when we start talking about fixing incongruence in marketing.

The first is: But Simone, I need to make money.

Yes, you do. We all need to make a living, unless you were born fabulously rich. But fixing your incongruence and marketing from congruence is not anti-money. It’s not anti-success or anti-ambition.

In fact, marketing from congruence is one of the most sustainable paths to money. When you build a business from your wholeness, from who you really are, how you like to work, and who you like to work with — and you stop outsourcing your approval — that’s exactly what sets you up for sustainable profit.

You attract people who resonate with your wholeness, with your internal sense of enoughness. That energy is magnetic. You do work that feels like you — instead of performative work that’s energetically begging for validation and money.

People who come to you for that reason stay longer, trust you more, are more likely to tell their friends. They’re less likely to feel buyer’s remorse. They’re more likely to be gracious if you make a mistake. And when you're working from congruence, your work doesn’t drain you — it energizes you.

Over time, you become known for something rare in the business world: integrity.

So yes, money matters. But the deeper question is: what’s the cost of making money in a way that disconnects you from yourself? What if building your business from wholeness and enoughness is also the best way to meet your financial goals?

The next question I often get is: What if I really do need external validation?

We all do. We’re human. We all want to feel seen, appreciated, validated. If you feel that way — same. That’s not a flaw. That’s being human.

Especially if you grew up where love or belonging felt conditional and had to be earned. I get that. So it’s not that you don’t get to want external validation — it’s that problems arise when we unconsciously try to get that need met through our marketing.

Not because we’re doing anything wrong, but because marketing is one of the most vulnerable parts of business. If we haven’t found other ways to feel supported and valued, it’s easy to start seeking that from our audience.

But your audience never agreed to carry that role. It’s too heavy for your marketing to hold.

Marketing works best when it comes from a place of internal wholeness. That’s what allows you to show up in generosity and true service. And that’s the antidote to trying to secretly meet emotional needs with attention and money.

So when you feel that need for validation, meet it intentionally. Maybe through therapy, coaching, community, spirituality — anything that helps you connect to your own wholeness. It’s not about pretending you don’t need it. It’s about making sure your marketing doesn’t have to carry that weight.

The last question is: Isn’t some incongruence just part of doing business?

Yes, we all have to do hard things. We stretch past comfort zones. We grow. Sometimes we’re scared.

But there’s a difference between generative discomfort and incongruent discomfort.

Generative discomfort feels like, “This is scary and new, but it’s going to grow me in the direction I want.” Incongruent discomfort feels like, “An expert told me I have to do this, I hate it, but I’m going to force it because they must know better.”

Both are uncomfortable. But one grows you. The other depletes you.

Breaking free from seeking external validation or tying your safety to business outcomes doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, patience, and deep self-compassion. These are well-worn neural pathways. Changing them takes effort.

Some of us are addicted to external validation. We keep turning to our business like it’s the dealer. But the dealer can’t give us what we need.

Recovery isn’t easy, quick, or linear. But it’s possible. And it starts with compassion. Not shame. Not pressure. Just compassion.

You don’t need to be fully healed. Just start creating new pathways, one small choice at a time. That is courageous. That is enough. And that will lead you to new possibilities you can’t yet imagine.

You are brave for doing this work.

In the next episode, I’ll talk about why incongruence is so common in marketing — and how to make sales from a place of congruence. I hope you’ll join me.

Thank you for listening. Talk to you next time. Bye.