56. 4 things I'm no longer doing as I turn 40

I'm turning 40, and I could not be more excited about it. I LOVE getting older.

As I reflected on this milestone, I realized there are four things I'm officially done carrying into this next chapter.

If you're at any kind of threshold — 30, 40, 50, or otherwise — this episode is an invitation to ask yourself what you're finally ready to put down, and leave in your past.

Transcript

Hey friends, you are listening to Liberatory Business and I'm your host, Simone Seol. Thank you so much for listening.

By the time that you're listening to this episode, it's probably gonna be around the time of my birthday, which is in February, and I am so excited about this birthday because I am finally turning the big 4-0. Forty. I don't know why, but I see so many people around me who are afraid of this milestone, and I could not be more jazzed. I love getting older. My thirties were infinitely better than my twenties, which were infinitely better than my teens. And I just think my forties are gonna be infinitely better than my thirties, which weren't too shabby to begin with. I just love feeling like I'm getting older and wiser and that much more at home in myself.

But as I was reflecting on turning 40, it occurred to me that there are four things that I'm no longer gonna be doing. And I really wanted to share them with you because I think a younger version of me would've loved to hear these reflections. So this episode is a short one. Let me just share these four things that I'm no longer doing as I turn 40.

Wanting people to like me

First is wanting people to like me. Now, it's not that I wanna be disliked. I'm not walking around trying to be antagonistic. But the truth is, I used to really enjoy the sensation of being liked. Like, I used to notice it, savor it, orient towards it, try to get more people to like me, and if someone already likes me, try to get them to like me even more. There were so many things that I did consciously and unconsciously to generate more like for me in the world. And if I was successful, I used to make it mean something about me — how worthy I am, how cool I am, how whatever I am. If lots of people like me, it must mean that I'm doing something right. If someone likes me more than they used to, it must mean I'm going the right direction.

And now a lot of those illusions have fallen away, and now I just don't care. I don't care if people like me. Not in a cold way, not in a walled-up, closed-off way. My heart is still very much open. But in a way where if someone likes me, I'm genuinely happy for them. It's very nice for them to like me. It's lovely for them. But I don't make it mean anything about me. It's information about their experience. It's not information about my worth or my importance or my value or anything like that.

So I'm over wanting people to like me.

Self-deprecating jokes

The second thing that I'm no longer gonna do is self-deprecating jokes. This switch — I noticed it in myself a while ago, but I am double committing to it after I turn 40. I used to love making self-deprecating jokes. I did it all the time, and I never thought it was because I lacked self-esteem or something. I have plenty of self-esteem. I like myself just fine. I just happened to also sometimes crack jokes at my own expense. Sometimes to lighten the mood, maybe to create connection with somebody else, to compliment someone else. I used to think that it was charming, disarming, right? A nice thing to do to build connection.

So for example, if I'm talking to someone who's super organized, super on top of things, I might make a joke about, oh my God, I'm such a disorganized mess, I'm so ADHD, and look at you. Or if I'm complimenting someone who is super athletic and I admire their athleticism, I might have made a crack about, oh my God, I'm such a couch potato, look at you. That kind of thing.

No. I'm done.

The truth is, I love when people shine. I love highlighting people. But none of that has to happen by making me or anyone else look diminished or bad or lesser or smaller in any way. I can compliment you and just compliment you. I don't have to put me down, you know?

Because I came to the truth of who I am. I am brilliant. I am beautiful. I am formidable. I'm a genius. I'm a force of nature. And I am achingly beloved as a daughter, as a wife, as a mother, as a friend. I am heir to a venerable lineage of wisdom keepers.

I don't make self-deprecating jokes anymore because nothing about me stands to be deprecated.

Giving people the power to flatter me

The third thing that I'm no longer gonna be doing is giving people the power to flatter me. Because here's the principle I realized — whoever has the power to make you feel good about yourself also has the power to control you, because they also have the power to make you feel bad. It's the same mechanism. The same door that opens to let the praise in lets the criticism in. And if your self-concept is based on what someone says about you, you've handed them the keys to your self-concept. And I decline to give anyone else that power.

I don't just insulate myself against insults. I also insulate myself against flattery. If someone has something super nice to say about me, that's great. That's information about them. It tells me something about their values, where they are in life, their perception, their priorities, their experience of being around me. It has nothing to do with me. It does not touch my self-concept, because I am the sole author of my own self-concept.

I think this is so interesting — I asked myself this question a few years ago and it really rocked my world. Like, who currently has the power to flatter me? Who could come to me and say nice things about me and I'd be like, oh my God, I'm so flattered — like, the way I think of myself has changed because you said this? If you take an honest stock of that list, it's gonna teach you a lot. That was very sobering.

So I'm done giving people the power to flatter me.

Being indiscriminately generous

And last but not least, I am done being indiscriminately generous.

So I'm a quadruple Pisces, okay? I have my sun in Pisces and a bunch of other placements in Pisces. I'm a Libra rising. So you know what I love? Harmony. I love to love people, to trust people, to be endlessly generous and hospitable with them. It's just how I'm wired. I'm the quintessential party host. I love to host. I love to feed people. I love to take care of people. I'm like a big Asian matriarch who just loves taking care of everybody.

And for a long time I was like that with everybody. I just walked through the world with my heart wide open and my hands full, offering everything I had to whoever was standing in front of me who was asking — sometimes even when they weren't asking.

And I actually think for a long time that was an honest thing for me to do. It was an honest expression of how I wanted to pour into the world. It felt good to give so much, because I have had so much to give, and it wasn't like I needed them to necessarily reciprocate in some way. I'm like, I'm gonna be giving because it's in my nature to give. That felt right.

And then it started to feel a little bit different. I've started to be a lot more discerning about where my love, trust, generosity, and hospitality should be placed so that where they are placed is coherent. And it's not because I enjoy being withholding or being emotionally stingy. It's not because my heart has gotten any smaller — those things are never gonna happen, because that's not me. I have a giant heart. I love giving. It is always gonna be who I am.

But the difference now is that I understand the value of what I have to give. And when you truly understand the value of what you carry, you stop scattering it around everywhere like it's confetti, right? Instead, you start placing it a lot more intentionally — like seeds. Like, you look at the soil. What's the soil that can carry the seed? What are the conditions where the seed can be received, where it can grow?

And I think I started to develop something like a reverence for what's inside me, what's in my hands. Treating my own love and giving nature and generosity and trust as something sacred. Because it is. Because it isn't just mine — it came through the line that I come from. It came from my ancestors. And when I know that, it's not that I become less giving. I think I become more thoughtful, more intentional and discerning about where I give. And where I do give, I can give so much more.

So those are my four things that I'm no longer doing as I turn 40. If you are also approaching a milestone — whether you're turning 40 or 50 or 30 or 27 or whatever — it doesn't matter. If you're at a threshold, if you are crossing a milestone, I'd love to invite you to also ask yourself: what am I done with? What belongs to a past chapter of my life that I now decline to continue carrying forward? And what would it be like to really leave it in the past?

So I hope that gave you some interesting food for thought. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to all of my other February babies, Pisces babies. And I'll talk to you next time. Bye.