NeuroShifts
Dr. Randy Cale is a psychologist and brain-change expert who offers brief but impactful episodes on rewiring the brain and body for lasting and purposeful change.
NeuroShifts
Why Your Child's Counseling Isn't Working: Shifting Responsibility for Real Change
Have you ever wondered why counseling seems to work for some children but falls completely flat for others? The frustrating reality many parents face is that despite investing in therapy, sometimes for years, their child's behavior continues to worsen at home. The disconnect isn't about finding the right therapist – it's about understanding who truly wants the change.
At the heart of this phenomenon is a simple truth: you can schedule appointments, drive your child to therapy, and pay the bills, but you cannot make them care about changing.
Read the article version of this episode here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZNY_xobiy4ejye1Z4yhJo_pMvm815OX35s-UiedZAqg/edit?usp=sharing
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why counseling often fails for kids and what to consider that works. Many of the parents I coach arrive at my office frustrated and exhausted, carrying a hefty list of past efforts that should have worked. They've invested in counseling, sometimes for years, with the hope that a trained professional could talk their child into better behavior. Whether it's explosive tantrums that seem to escalate every month, a teen who refuses to engage with school or family, or a chronically defiant child who seems to thrive on conflict, these parents often share a similar story Counseling felt like a band-aid If that home life continued to decline and their child became more skilled at resisting change. Why does this happen? Why does counseling often fall short, even when led by caring, competent professionals? Let's look at what's really going on. Who wants the change? This is the single most crucial question to ask. Who is actually invested in making a change? In most of these cases, the parents are doing the heavy lifting. Mom is losing sleep, scouring the internet and reading parenting books at midnight, dad is calling therapists, researching diagnoses and looking for solutions. The child Not so much. And there lies the root of the problem. You can put a child in therapy, you can arrange the appointments, drive them there and pay the bill, but you can't make them care. You can't make them want to change and you definitely can't make them absorb good advice they don't believe applies to them. You can lead a horse to water. We all know the saying and there may be no more perfect context than this.
Speaker 1:When children are forced into therapy with little to no personal investment, they often become passive participants. They sit through sessions, offer minimal responses and leave with little intention to apply anything. At home we see the same pattern. Parents offer good advice, only to be ignored or met with eye rolls and shrugs. Therapists offer thoughtful, well-meaning guidance and it bounces off. Why? Because the child doesn't see themselves as the problem. Therefore, they don't know the value in the solution. It's your fault, not mine. This is the internal narrative driving many oppositional or defiant children In their mind. It's not their behavior that needs changing, it's your parenting, your rules, your attitude. And if they're not responsible for the problem, why would they feel responsible for the solution? Not responsible for the problem, why would they feel responsible for the solution? It can be maddening. You watch them provoke, push and disrupt, and still they manage to justify or blame someone else. Over time, the home becomes a battlefield of explanations, excuses and exhausting arguments. And here's the hard truth. Trying to argue them into responsibility is a losing battle. Words don't change behavior. When the listener isn't open to change, you can talk, the therapist can talk, but if they don't care, words become wallpaper. When words stop working, actions must take over. This doesn't mean all hope is lost. It means the strategy must shift.
Speaker 1:I recall a mom who had her son in therapy for over two years. Each week she faithfully drove him to sessions while his behavior at home worsened. Eventually even the therapist gave up. But with a clear, consistent, action-based parenting plan at home, the same child made dramatic improvements in just six weeks. No lectures, no pleading, just consistent structure and accountability.
Speaker 1:Ask this simple question who's working hardest, whether it's in therapy or at home? This question is key. In the therapy room, who's engaged? Who's thinking, reflecting and planning changes? Often it's the therapist and the parent, while the child sits quietly waiting for it to end.
Speaker 1:At home, who is trying harder to manage moods, solve problems, fix conflict? If it's you and not your child, something needs to change, because when you work harder at their happiness, motivation, success or emotional regulation, that equation will fail. The path to real change involves shifting that responsibility back where it belongs onto the child. So what can you do Instead? You can begin with structure, clarity and consistent consequences. You stop talking so much and start acting more consistently. The goal isn't to win arguments or make them agree. The goal is to let action speak louder than words.
Speaker 1:Responsibility, when enforced calmly and consistently, begins to shape behavior where therapy often can't. And for some children the problem isn't just behavioral, it's neurological. The brain itself may be dysregulated, making self-control, focus and emotional balance genuinely harder. Words and logic aren't enough in those cases, because the brain isn't equipped to respond well. That's where neurofeedback can make a profound difference. At Capital District Neurofeedback, we offer non-invasive, research-based brain training that helps children and adults improve emotional regulation, focus and behavioral stability. For kids who have failed therapy or simply won't engage, neurofeedback offers a silent but effective path to lasting change. No pressure, no lectures, just the brain learning to do better. You can learn more about us at capitaldistrictneurofeedbackcom. Final thought shift the equation. When your child resists change, it's easy to fall into the trap of working harder than they do. But actual progress begins when the responsibility shifts, when they begin to feel the natural consequences of their choices and you stop carrying the weight for them. You don't need better words, you need a better system. And with the proper support and structure, change is not just possible, it's likely.