Who even am I now? - Identity in the Messy Middle

Who Even Am I Now? – Identity in the Messy Middle

Midlife has a way of pulling the rug out from under us, doesn’t it? One minute, you think you know who you are—the roles you play, the way you show up in the world—and the next, you’re staring in the mirror wondering, Wait… who even is this person?

In this episode, we’re diving into identity in the messy middle—how it shifts, unravels, and (eventually) starts to make sense again. We’ll explore:

✨ The layers of identity—personal, physical, and perceived—and why they matter
 ✨ How journaling can help you untangle who you are (beyond the roles you’ve played)
 ✨ Why midlife can feel like a giant identity crisis—and how to navigate it with curiosity, not panic

If you’ve ever felt lost in your own life, you’re not alone. Grab a cuppa, bring your existential questions, and let’s unravel this midlife identity shift together.

🎧 Listen now!

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 Grab the free Midlife Clarity Map with reflective prompts that pair with the whole series.

Thanks for tuning in to this episode of Unravelling the Diary of a Midlife Mess. If something resonated with you today, I’d love to hear your thoughts, come join the conversation on Facebook and Instagram @themessymiddlelife or visit https://sharonwilkesburt.com/ for more resources and support.

Don't forget to subscribe and leave a review if you’re enjoying the journey so far! If you're ready to dig a little deeper into your own midlife transformation, check out my Journal through the Messy Middle course , it’s the perfect way to start untangling what’s next.

• Join me inside Journal Through the Messy Middle — a self-paced course to help you get clear, feel more like you again, and find solid ground in the wobbly bits of midlife.

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You’re not too late, too much, or too lost. This is just the middle ...and there’s gold in here.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Unravelling the diary of a midlife mess… 

A podcast for women who feel like they landed in this season unprepared, uninformed and frankly bloody annoyed . One minute you’re  listening to self-help podcasts. The next you’re deep in your journal. The next you’re at Dan Murphy’s buying three bottles of Pinot Grigio and a family-size bag of Maltesers because life is about balance, Janet.

My name is Sharon Wilkes-Burt. I am your host—and, let’s be honest—the midlife mess in question. I work mostly in the life coaching space, helping women who feel like they’ve somehow lost themselves along the way.

If you’ve ever caught yourself staring at your reflection in the mirror - Thinking ‘What happened to you?’ or “Who even are you anymore’ then this episode is for you. 

I think so many of us hit this stage of life where everything feels like it’s shifting—kids leaving home, careers plateauing or changing, relationships evolving—and we’re left feeling a little untethered, like the ground beneath your feet is shifting, and you no longer seem to fit your own skin.

This season we confusingly refer to as Midlife has a way of shaking up everything we thought we knew about ourselves. The roles we played, the way we looked, the things that made us feel ‘us’—suddenly, they don’t fit quite the same anymore. 

And that can feel unsettling… or, if we let it, it can be an invitation to rediscover who we actually are.

So today, we’re diving into identity in the messy middle. Why we can sometimes feel untethered, how midlife forces us to re-evaluate who we are, and how we start making sense of the woman staring back at us in the mirror.

As  a wise ogre once said… - ogres are like onions, ogres have layers, onions have layers  - Identity is made up of layers. Thanks Shrek

Starting with Personal Identity: Who You Are When No One’s Looking

Now, if you’ve been around here for a while, you’ll know I’m a massive fan of journaling. Because that’s where so much of this unravelling starts—by stripping back the noise and figuring out who you are underneath all the roles you’ve carried.

For so long, we’ve been defined by what we do—mother, daughter, partner, employee—always busy taking care of everyone else. But what happens when those roles start shifting? When the kids need you less, or your career doesn’t light you up the way it used to?

It’s bloody uncomfortable, isn’t it?

That little voice pops up—But what about me- What do I want?

And that’s where journaling has been such a lifeline for me. Because when you get all the swirling thoughts out of your head and onto the page, you start to see patterns… glimpses of the woman underneath all the labels.

If you’re keen for a personal identity Journal Prompt try this: 

When I strip away my roles and responsibilities, who am I at my core?

A few years I was conducting some market research working with a fabulous group of women from different career,, socio economic and cultural backgrounds. This question was the first one I asked … and every woman in that group came back straight away  with their roles, titles, responsibilities. I asked the question again tell me who you are without the roles - daughter, mother, sister, wife, partner, boss, job role, … Who are you?  There were no quick responses here…  For most it was days before they came back with a reply, for some it was weeks. For pretty much everyone it was the first time that had stopped to consider who the woman was beneath the layers. 

So if journaling this, Don’t panic if you don’t know the answer straight away—most of us don’t. It’s more about asking the question than rushing to find the perfect answer.

Your brain, whether you’re aware of it or not will be working to resolve this. 

Okay, let’s talk about another layer,  - and this one’s a biggie - Because midlife isnt  just about the number on your birthday cake - It's how you feel when you catch your reflection.

The Physical Layer - it’s about how we perceive ourselves as our bodies and faces change.

As a hair and make up artist for years I’ve had  women sit in my chair and  critique the woman in mirror in a way they would never do to another woman.  Can you get rid of my chins, wrinkles, bags, can you make me look 10yrs younger, have you got any polyfiller for the lines.

This barrage of self criticism plays out in The Make up Shake Up  workshops,  all the time. 

If you’ve not heard me mention them before, they’re these small, intimate confidence sessions where women show up— bare-faced, sometimes nervous—with their make up bags full of stuff they don’t know how to use or doesnt appear to be doing the thing it used to do anymore. thinking they’re coming to learn a few pro makeup tips.

But honestly? The makeup is just the surface layer.

What really happens in those sessions is that women come face to face with how they see themselves. For many it can be quite confronting. 

Much of the time we’ll give a cursory glance at our reflection mutter some mean girl shit at the poor woman in the mirror and move on. 

When asked to look with kindness and empathy at this same woman there’s often some discomfort in realising that the woman in the mirror doesn’t quite match with the one you feel like inside. 

What always gets me in the feels in the Make up shake up workshops is just how  quickly the shift happens. When women realise it was never really about the makeup—it’s about how they see themselves.

We carry so much internal dialogue about our appearance, and society loves to remind us that youth equals beauty, youth equals value and if heaven forbid you’re starting to look your age … fear not theres a multi billion dollar beauty industry that has a cream for that!

I won’t lie—this one’s still a work in progress for me. Turning up to the workshops barefaced still makes me feel a little vulnerable.  I’ve never arrived at a job looking as I do when I roll out of bed, my professionalism sees to it that I’m well presented - even if thats a lick of mascara and some lip balm. 

Some days I catch my reflection and think, Yep, still got it kid!  Other days my inner mean girl is sniping Jeez …happened to you. 

But what if we stopped chasing who we used to be… and started getting curious about who we’re becoming?

If you’re keen for a Journal Prompt: How has my relationship with my appearance changed over time, and what do I want it to be moving forward?

Then there’s the whole perceived identity thing—the labels other people give us.

This one can feel the trickiest to untangle—because often, we’ve been wearing these labels for so long we’ve forgotten they’re not actually who we are.
These can be mother, wife, career woman, caretaker, the ‘strong one’, the ditsy one, the dependable one but what happens when those labels shift or no longer fit or when they feel less like a compliment and more like a straightjacket.

Midlife can feel like a strange in-between space where the world still sees you as one thing, but inside, you feel completely different. Maybe you’re not sure who you are yet… but you know you’re not who you used to be.

And there’s this quiet grief in that—because sometimes it feels like no one else has noticed you’ve changed.

One of the biggest shifts I’ve noticed in midlife is that we start caring less about what other people think—but letting go of external validation is bloody uncomfortable at first. 

Especially if you’ve spent your whole life trying to be what everyone else needed you to be.

Journal Prompt: What’s one label or expectation I’ve carried that no longer fits who I am?

The Midlife Identity Crisis or chrysalis

Here’s the thing—feeling lost in midlife doesn’t mean you’re broken.

It means you’re evolving.

Every version of you before this was shaped by your circumstances—by what life needed from you. But now? Now you get to decide.

I know it feels unsettling to not know exactly who you are right now. But what if that not-knowing is actually the best part? What if this is your chance to become someone you’ve never been before?

What if... you're not unravelling—you're composting what's no longer needed so something new can grow?

Closing Thoughts & Call to Action

So if you’re feeling a little untethered right now, just know—you’re not alone.

And maybe, instead of trying to get back to who you used to be, the better question is… Who do you want to become?

If you try out one of today’s journal prompts, I would love to hear what comes up for you. DM me on Instagram or leave a comment, because these conversations are what keep me showing up behind this microphone.

And if this episode resonated, make sure you hit follow or subscribe—because next time, we’re talking about radical kindness and why being softer with yourself might just be the most rebellious thing you can do in midlife.

Let’s continue this beautiful, messy, midlife conversation.

Until then… keep unravelling.