Radical Kindness - aka midlife maintenance for your sanity.

Midlife can be a lot. One minute you’re power-walking through life like you’ve got it all figured out, and the next, you’re raging in the supermarket because they changed the yoghurt packaging. Again.

So, how do we actually take care of ourselves in the messy middle? Not with bubble baths or green smoothies (though no judgment if that helps), but with radical kindness, the kind that lets us be human, flawed, and figuring it out as we go.

In this episode, we’re unpacking:

💛 Why midlife is not the time for self-improvement, but self-acceptance
💛 How to treat yourself with the same kindness you give everyone else
💛 What ‘midlife maintenance’ really looks like—hint: it’s not another to-do list

If you’ve ever felt like you should have it together by now but really just need a nap, this one’s for you.

🎧 Listen now and let’s be kinder to ourselves, one messy moment at a time.

Want a beautiful one-page companion to this episode?
 Grab the free Midlife Clarity Map with reflective prompts that pair with the whole series.

Thanks for tuning in to this episode of Unravelling the Diary of a Midlife Mess. If something resonated with you today, I’d love to hear your thoughts, come join the conversation on Facebook and Instagram @themessymiddlelife or visit https://sharonwilkesburt.com/ for more resources and support.

Don't forget to subscribe and leave a review if you’re enjoying the journey so far! If you're ready to dig a little deeper into your own midlife transformation, check out my Journal through the Messy Middle course , it’s the perfect way to start untangling what’s next.

• Join me inside Journal Through the Messy Middle — a self-paced course to help you get clear, feel more like you again, and find solid ground in the wobbly bits of midlife.

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You’re not too late, too much, or too lost. This is just the middle ...and there’s gold in here.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Unravelling the diary of a midlife mess… 

A podcast for women who feel like they landed in this season unprepared, uninformed and frankly bloody annoyed . One minute you're a butterfly emerging from her cocoon. The next you're lying on the couch like a pissed-off caterpillar, munching through a bag of doritos waiting for your wings to grow… its a midlife lucky dip really!

My name is Sharon Wilkes-Burt. I am your host—and, let’s be honest—the midlife mess in question. I work mostly in the life coaching space, helping women who feel like they’ve somehow lost themselves along the way.

I don’t know who needs to hear this … but you don’t have to fall apart with grace - I know Bridget Jones’ mother seemed like she was breezing through midlife with her twin sets and vol au vents - but even she ended up running away with Julio the QVC perma tanned man. Midlife is messy … you’re allowed to be messy, you’re allowed to not quite know who you are just now.. And you’re allowed to take care of yourself … to be kind to yourself.

Why then if we’re allowed  is  self Kindness Is So Bloody Hard?

Throughout my life and career I’ve  spent decades holding space for other women—listening, encouraging, reminding them to be kind to themselves.

I hear immediately if a woman is being mean to herself,  but I’m nowhere near as quick at catching myself at it.

If someone recorded the way I spoke to myself inside my own head? I would've been cancelled years ago.

I would never tell a client to - Just sort you’re shit out - Or Get a fkn grip - Or “You’re just being bloody stupid” 

Yet - this is the sort of BLAH that goes on in my head from me to me - a LOT!

Why - Because self kindness isn’t something we’ve ever really been shown -  We were likely raised by mothers or grandmothers or female caregivers  who put themselves last and we’ve just continued playing that out making sure everyone else’s needs are met. The kids are fed, watered, and where they need to be. Ageing parents are looked after. Partners and friends feel supported,  the dogs’ been wormed… everyone’s accounted for.

But where are we on that list?

The truth is, we’ve been marinated in this idea that self-care is something you earn. Like it’s a little treat you only get once everything else is done. You’ve ticked off the to-do list, kept everyone alive… Now you’re allowed to have a bath or read your book for half an hour—so long as the laundry’s folded and you’re not enjoying yourself too much.

It’s such a sneaky message, isn’t it? That looking after yourself is indulgent rather than necessary. And even when you do try to carve out time, the guilt kicks in. That little voice that says, Shouldn’t you be doing something more productive? Someone else probably needs you right now.

We end up seeing self-care as this luxury item—something you’ll get around to if there’s time. But midlife is showing me that waiting until everyone else is sorted before you tend to yourself is a fast track to resentment, burnout… and maybe even forgetting who you are underneath all the caretaking.

The big shift is realising that looking after yourself isn’t something you squeeze in—it’s something you have to build in and everything else can work around.

What if the way we care for ourselves becomes the anchor that holds everything else together?

It’s not about bubble baths and candles—although I do love a bubbly bubble bath with a side order of Baileys —it’s about how you speak to yourself. How you meet your own needs without waiting for permission. How you remember that you are someone who deserves care, too.

Let's name some of the quiet, sneaky fucker beliefs that make self-kindness feel like weakness:

If I don't keep pushing through, everything will fall apart.

There may have been a time when these stories served you - There have certainly been times in my life where I’ve had to dig deep, grit my teeth, push through and that attitude has served me, but it doesnt mean I have to roll it out everytime something I don’t really want to do crops up… Sometimes the kinder approach for myself would be to say no.  

If I'm kind to myself, I'll get lazy and nothing will get done

Oh yes … "The Great Midlife Laziness Scam" — this idea that we're only ever one nap away from turning into sloths who never achieve anything again. When in reality, the most productive thing we might do for ourselves some days is stop bloody pushing.

The I’m lazy story is a personal favourite of mine and has seen me hit burnout on more than one occasion - preferring to believe that I’m lazy and the bro mantra you can sleep when you’re dead did my health no favours … and was the furthest thing from self kindness. 

Others might be: 

Everyone else is coping—why can't I?

I should be grateful—I don't have it that bad.

Again sneaky… they don’t seem mean… but would you say this to your best friend if she was struggling?

So What Radical Kindness Actually Looks Like

The truth is... kindness isn't always what we think it is.

It’s not always a facial and foot massage - although now I so want a facial and foot massage.

Sometimes it’s letting yourself have a full-body sulk without rushing to cheer yourself up.
Sometimes it’s writing in your journal without trying to tie everything up in a neat little bow.
Sometimes it’s looking at your to-do list and going, "Fuck it, that's a tomorrow problem. And taking yourself off for a nap

And that brings me to what I like to call Midlife Maintenance.

It’s not always the glamorous stuff. Sure, sometimes self-care looks like journaling by candlelight with a cup of tea and your favourite playlist in the background. But other times it looks like:

• Booking the bloody skin check you’ve been putting off.
• Going to bed earlier because you’re running on fumes.
• Saying no to that social thing because what you really need is a night in.
• Moving your body in a way that feels good—not to shrink yourself, but to care for yourself.
• Drinking more water because the hot flushes are trying to set you on fire from the inside out.
• Getting your hormones checked instead of just pushing through.

Midlife Maintenance is about tending to yourself like someone worth looking after. It’s about creating rituals—big and small—that remind you I matter too.

The more I practice this, the more I see that self-kindness isn’t something fluffy or indulgent—it’s actually the scaffolding that holds everything else up.

"You know what's actually rebellious in midlife?

Swapping the martyr mindset for the softness rebellion—
Letting yourself off the hook.

asking, What would be the kindest thing I could do for myself today?

• Allowing yourself to rest without - quotation marks -  earning it first.
• Treating your emotional wellbeing like something worth tending to—not just in a crisis, but as part of your daily rhythm.

Sitting down in the middle of the mess and saying, 

'I'm still worthy—right here, in this half-baked, slightly unhinged version of myself.'"

Composting What's No Longer Needed  Softness isn't passive—it’s what breaks things down so something new can grow.

Now , Because not everyone listening is going to be ready to wrap themselves in a fluffy dressing gown of self-compassion straight away.

What if you simply borrowed kindness from someone else?
If you'd speak gently to your best friend when she's struggling...
Could you try speaking to yourself the same way—even if you don't quite believe you deserve it yet?

Now because as you know I love a journaling activity I invite you to start working on that shift towards radical kindness. 

• Write down the meanest thing you've thought about yourself this week.
• Now rewrite that sentence as if you were speaking to a friend.
• What would it feel like to offer yourself that same softness—even if you're not totally ready to believe it?

"Radical kindness isn't one big sweeping transformation... it's the tiny daily decisions to be a little softer with yourself."

I’ll give some examples 

• Taking a nap without apologising for it.
• Buying yourself flowers just because. - Miley reminded you that could
• Ordering the bigger size jeans because they bloody fit better.
• Logging off social media when you feel like you're measuring yourself against everyone else's highlight reel.

What if midlife isn't about reinventing yourself—it's about returning to yourself?
Letting all the old expectations and bullshit stories break down, so something more tender and true can take root.

"So, here's your invitation:
What would it look like to treat yourself like someone you love—today, not when you've got your shit together... but right now, in the middle of the mess?"

Prompt: What's one tiny act of radical kindness you could offer yourself this week?

"If this episode landed with you, I’d love to hear what came up. Send me a DM or comment over on Instagram [@themessymiddlelife]. And if you haven't already, hit follow so you don't miss the next episode—because we're all just figuring this out one messy middle day at a time."

Catch you next time where we’ll continue this beautiful messy midlife conversation, until then keep unravelling.