True Feedback or Judgmental Projection? Is It Me or Is It Them?

Let's face it - other people can quickly dull our dignity, if we let them. If you’ve ever felt gutted, confused, or shut down after someone’s comment — this one’s for you! If you’ve ever felt torn between your own truth and someone’s unsolicited opinion, this one’s for you cutie pie! If you've ever thought "is this me?" or "is this them?", you guessed it...this one’s for you!

Not all feedback is worth receiving. Not all criticism is created equal.

This episode is where we go over how to build strong boundaries - emotional, psychological, & spiritual. If you're navigating identity shifts, putting your work out there, or doing anything different, this is a must-listen for your mental health and mental clarity.

Here's the outline:

1. Why we must build powers of discernment - perception vs projection
2. 3 major truths about the reality of giving and receiving feedback/criticism
3. A piercing (& maybe slightly uncomfortable 😉) analysis of who gets to give you feedback and why
4. Top 3 questions you should ask yourself about the person giving you feedback
5. A thorough analysis of what constitutes as feedback and what doesn't
6. Best ways to respond to both valid and invalid feedback

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This podcast is for education only and is not a replacement for therapy. We suggest you seek out the help of a trained professional for help with your specific situation.

Transcript

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Dilshad 0:00

Welcome to the Delicious Dignity Podcast. Let's settle in securely and ever so nicely into the brilliance of our own dignity. Oh, my friends, my friends, my friends. I am so excited to share this episode with you. I have been building this system for years and I've perfected it and used it in so many different situations and it works. It has saved me from so much unnecessary trauma. I cannot even tell you. Because one of the biggest ways we all step out of or abuse or lower our dignity is when it comes to to interactions with other people, specifically when it comes to learning how to navigate other people's opinions, other people's projections, other people's criticisms, other people's feedback. I like to think I'm the queen of feedback, not for any other reason other than the fact that I have been an ungrateful and very unwilling recipient of too many emotional projections disguised as feedback. Some of them have been so shocking and so outside of my zone of awareness. that there were times when I was too stunned to even speak. And I would keep asking myself this question. And I've heard so many people ask this question. Is it me? Is it them? How much of this is me? How much of this is them? What is going on here? And I would get so confused because I would think to myself, how can they say something like this? And I had no awareness. I'd be confused by that. I'd be like, well, if they're so strongly opinionated about what they see in me, then maybe there's some truth to this. And here lies the problem, right? And I have to speak about this from a gender perspective too, because as a woman, I'm taught to be a nice, good little girl. And I think that if someone is sharing this opinion and this opinion is so outside my zone of awareness, then it must be true. It must have some truth to it. And also, I used to think, there's something wrong with me or I must be doing something wrong. Because better to think that I am doing something wrong than to believe that this is a complete unnecessary projection. Because if I believed that I am wrong, then that means psychologically, what that means is, is that I have something I can fix and therefore I can control. But to believe that there's nothing wrong with me, it's not that I was wrong. There's no truth to this means that I have to accept that this person is projecting onto me and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't change that. And accepting that really took a long time. Let me know if that makes sense to you, by the way. So before I share the system with you, I want to bestow upon you three uncomfortable but very true things about the world. And I feel like if I had just accepted these three things early on, I wouldn't have struggled so much. So I'm going to offer them to you knowing that you will probably resist some of them, and that's okay. I just want you to make a mental note that I said these three things, okay? So number one is, if you're doing anything, and I mean anything, even slightly, teeny, tiny, outside the norm, you will be subject to some pretty interesting comments. Now, if you do things very differently, all I can say is God bless you. And if you don't believe me, look at history. Look at what happened to people who were doing things even slightly outside the norm. Or if you don't believe me, just imagine a situation, okay? Just close your eyes and imagine a situation where you find yourself in a city where people only wear orange hats. That's all they wear. That's the only type of hat they wear, is an orange hat. And you walk into this city with a yellow hat. Automatically, something inside of you knows and feels like it is not safe or at least feels uncomfortable because you know that this is how the world is built. And it doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong. It just means that You're doing something a little bit different than what people are used to. Some of us who are already sensitive to mean or cruel comments, often disguised as feedback, we will cave in and become so small, or we will back into a corner and snarl and bite anyone who comes near us, least of all realizing that it has nothing to do with us. It's not personal. Truth number two is, you have to own your own psychic field. You have to tend to it. Your mind is a garden and you have to tend to it. You control who gets in and who gets out. We tend to think that just because we're not children, we don't deserve or need protection. We don't deserve or need tending to regular maintenance work. And we're pretty careless with who we let in. We're pretty careless with our psychic field. You have to be the guardian at the gate. You control who comes in and who comes out in terms of information, in terms of opinions, in terms of feedback. You have to analyze that. You have to put in the work to analyze what's coming at you. You can't just let it through automatically. There is no automatic filtration system in the beginning, at least, when you're developing a strong emotional boundary. You've got to build that boundary. And then over time, it becomes a little bit automatic. But initially, you have to be the guardian at the gate. Truth number three. And this... This was the hardest one for me to accept. It took me a really long time to realize that in order for anyone to be able to perceive and not project, in order to be able to discern and not judge, they have to be at a certain level spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically. They don't have to be perfect, but they do have to have worked on themselves And they've come to a certain level of their humanity and their adulthood where they're actually adults. They're more like elders. And they can be whatever age. That age is just a number. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about its maturity, but it goes beyond maturity. There's a kind of wisdom that they've acquired from working on themselves. That is why I used to joke for such a long time that the only people I will accept feedback from are people who are trained to read people. So that could be anything from an FBI profiler to a therapist, to a psychic, because those people are actually trained. They're trained to get out of themselves and their own conditioning and be able to perceive what's in front of them clearly. You know, of course, you don't have to have been trained, but I do know this for a fact that if somebody is not at a certain level, maturity and elderhood wise, they cannot give you true, honest opinions or feedback. They will just project onto you. These are the three truths that we have to really take in. And now we'll get to the grading system. Actually, before we get to that, projection versus perception, judgment versus discernment. The difference in these energies is the difference between abuse and nourishment. You see real feedback, real opinions, true opinions, they sound just like the word feedback. It's food that's fed to you for your nourishment. So now let's get to the system, okay? I'm going to give you a list of questions to inquire, to really own your psychic field. These questions help you do that. And what I'm going to do is, I'm going to just say that the first three questions, I think, are the most important questions. And if somebody meets those three criteria, you're good, you're golden, you know that it's true feedback. But I've also given you additional questions that you can sort of get more juice out of the situation. However, in general, if somebody meets at least three of these requirements, I would say that chances are that this is real feedback. But I think anything under three It's probably just an emotional projection. So without further ado, let's get to the top three questions that I feel like everyone should ask when you receive an opinion or a piece of feedback. Number one, does this person have a life or certain aspects of life that I want for myself? What do I admire about this person? Why is this one of the top three questions? Because this question tells you That if there is nothing that you admire about this person, there is nothing that you respect about this person, there's nothing about their life that you would want for yourself, then why are you taking feedback from them? Because if they are so far out of the life that you want for yourself, then they can't even comprehend the person that you are or the person you want to become. If you don't admire them, chances are that feedback is probably a projection. because they can't give you feedback because they're not at a level, they're not at a shared experience level where they can honestly be able to give you truth instead of just emotionality thrown at you. The second question is, what is their level of strength? And you can grade it from one to 10, 10 being strong, one being weak. Why strength? Let me tell you what I mean by strength. What is the strength of life force coming from this person? Because if somebody isn't lit up from the inside, they usually need to tear other people down in order to get a hit of empowerment. They are usually in a consistent victim state and victims will always look for a perpetrator. And if they can't find one, they will invent one. And guess what? You're the one on the menu. You see, When you are a strong person, you're not looking for people to blame. You don't actually want to tear anybody down. You want to build them up. Another way you can determine their strength is, do they get a kick out of criticizing you, being cruel to you, or in general, feeling superior to you? Did they get a kick out of it? Did they get some kind of hit from it? And if so, it's not feedback. The other way you can determine their strength is you can ask, what is the general level of peace this person exudes on average? Because strong people are usually very peaceful. People who are not generally at peace are always cruel to others. Have you noticed that? And accepting cruelty as wisdom is just foolish. It's just cruelty. Now, some people might have a direct approach. They just might say things to you straight, but that's not being cruel. The way you know it's cruel, the first sign that it's just cruelty, that just pure cruelty, is when you see that they actually enjoy doing it. People who are direct are just giving facts. They're neutral. You want to look at the general level of peace this person exudes, and that'll give you a hint as to how strong they are. The other thing that you can look for in strength-wise is how much drama do they have in their lives? Are they always in crisis? Is there always some situation, mostly of their doing, that has come up that they are now in some kind of dramatic upheaval about? And, you know, sometimes I have noticed that if I'm usually intimidated by someone, that's actually a good sign. Because that tells me that there is some kind of strength in this person. Now, obviously, this is context dependent. But I've noticed that sometimes when I'm intimidated by people, it's because they have a lot of strength. They have good boundaries. They're very strong. And they can seem intimidating, but they're actually not intimidating. You're just intimidated by them because you can feel their strength. And the other way you can determine their strength levels is, do these people call out bad behavior? Do they point it out when it happens? Or do they just sit there silently and accept it? Now, they may not do it very well. Again, we're not looking for perfection. We're looking for someone who stands up for truth, who stands up for goodness in the world. Now, if you've seen them call it out, it's likely they're a strong person. And so these are all the different aspects of strength that I can think of to share with you. But the main question is, what is their level of strength? And grade them from 1 to 10, because if they're not a strong person, it's likely a projection. The third important question to ask is, is if they had to stand for something, what would they stand for? What hill would they die on? Who do they protect or love fiercely? And how do they treat the people they claim to love? You see, if somebody doesn't stand for something, they stand for nothing. If they don't have a sort of like, kind of like a mission about them, or they don't love fiercely, then they just have nothing, there's no grounding to them. They're kind of very wishy-washy. I've seen that people will often treat their own loved ones like absolute crap, but they'll treat strangers with a lot of decency and they're very polite. And I have found personally that I just cannot trust people like this because when I become someone they love, how are they going to treat me? So I don't want to take feedback from someone who treats people they love with disrespect because that's likely a projection. You see what I'm saying? Okay, let me know if any of these don't make sense because I can always clarify in another episode. Now, here are some other questions. And this is just to kind of flesh out, give you a fuller picture of what's going on with what happened with you. But I would say the first three questions, if nothing else, are gold and solid. So if all you did was those three questions, that alone is enough. But here are some of the additional ones for your contemplation pleasure. Okay. One of the questions you can ask is, are they skilled at something, especially the thing that they're giving me feedback about? Are they skilled at it? If they're not skilled at it, then why are they giving you feedback? Now, of course, this depends on the situation, but that's a good question to ask. Do these people have boundaries, good solid boundaries? So they don't have stone walls and they're not doormats. They just have boundaries. Because here's the thing, people without boundaries or doormats, will suddenly turn on you or disappear on you or try to tell you that they're busy all the time. And it's not that they're busy. And it's not that you did something wrong. It's because they are doormats. They let people walk all over them. They don't establish boundaries. And then they get resentful and then they blame you and they blame the world for feeling the way they do. You couldn't have even done anything. You might have just... you might not even know that you overstepped a boundary or you might not have overstepped any boundary at all. But because they already feel so violated by the world and they're so sensitive, they will take it out on you because you are a safe person for them. And that will leave you feeling crazy because you're just sitting there being like, I didn't even do anything. What happened here? But people with good boundaries, you always know where you stand with them and they will always be gentle with you when there's a line that you've crossed and they won't just constantly abandon you every time they're triggered. Now, people with lots of boundaries or they stonewall, it's called stonewalling, where you literally feel like you slammed into a stone wall. Now, those people don't have boundaries either because what they will do is they will be cruel or mean. They will not communicate boundaries to you. They will just slam them in your face. And those people are the most likely to be cruel or mean. That's not real feedback. People like that cannot give real feedback. They can only be cruel or mean. The third question, oh my, I'm just like feeling the wisdom of what I'm saying and I'm so happy to share this with you. I hope that you can understand where I'm coming from and what I'm trying to tell you here because this is just gold. If you just do this, you won't feel that toxic sludge feeling that you feel sometimes when you interact with people who just project onto you. Oh my God. Okay, so question number three. Has this person recently demonstrated that they have your best interests at heart? Keywords are recently and demonstrated. You don't want them to talk about it. You don't want them to have done it maybe 10 years ago, but something that they've recently demonstrated that they have your best interests at heart. These are people who truly want the best for you and they will show it to you. You might not like the way they show it to you because maybe your love language is not the same as their love language. But again, we're not looking for perfection. What we're looking for is someone who has your best interest at heart and they've demonstrated that to you. The fourth question you can ask, and this is where it gets a little bit tricky, but I think it's super important, is what is this person's demographics? How has that influenced their worldview? Have they demonstrated that they can rise above their social, cultural conditioning or gender conditioning to and really see me? So examples of demographics are race, gender, culture, religion. Because if somebody is just a product of their gender, then what they're doing is projecting onto you because they can't see you. If somebody is just a product of their race or their culture or their religion, they can't see you. They are so conditioned. They're so blinded by their conditioning. They can't see you. And it's not you. It is them. The other question you can ask, and this is the final question, and it's related to the one I just told you, is would this person give the same feedback or opinion to a different demographic person that exhibits the same behavior as I did? For example, let's say that you are a woman and you just got feedback from a male about something you did. Can you imagine, let's say that you're a woman and this man called you aggressive. And he was like, why are you so aggressive? Blah, blah, blah. Can you imagine him giving the same opinion to a man? Would he call a man aggressive if that man was behaving the same way that you were behaving? Or can you see him calling the man driven and passionate instead? Because if he's just a product of his gender, then he's going to see you as aggressive. And he's going to see men that exhibit the same behavior that you do as driven and passionate. Do you see what I'm saying? People like this cannot give you true feedback. They cannot perceive you. They can only judge you. They can only project onto you. Ask yourself if they would give the same opinion to someone else of a different demographic. And better yet, if you've actually witnessed them giving this feedback, even better. Okay? Alright. I know that was a long list and you're probably thinking, well Dilshad, By this standard, no one is going to be able to give me feedback. And to that I say, isn't that interesting? What are you doing then, accepting feedback from people who don't match these qualities? People you don't admire? People who are not strong? People who don't stand for anything? What are you doing accepting feedback from these people? That's what I would like to ask you. But again, just look for three things. Three of these things are a good enough indicator That the feedback is real and true and you can accept it and you can trust it. Okay. The second thing you can do is ask questions about the feedback itself. Does this feedback really feel like an emotional explosion or like a careful analysis to you? Because you see, nobody should be cavalier or careless with handling your heart. And if they are, then that's not the person worth listening to. Do you feel a little bit enlightened? Do you feel a little bit lit up by the feedback? Again, you might be a little bit embarrassed. You might be a little bit shy. You might feel a little bit ashamed, but that's only because maybe the person saw a part of you you wish they hadn't seen, but you do feel a little bit enlightened even so. Then that's likely real feedback or a real opinion. Do you feel a little bit excited because you're like, oh my God, this feedback was the missing piece that I needed to get on the right track? It can feel like a cool breeze on a hot day or a hot drink in a cold winter morning. It can also feel like it unlocked a new awareness or an aha feeling about something you already suspected. Is the feedback vague about actual details, but very specific about your character? If that's true, then it's likely a projection and not real feedback. So let me say that again. If the feedback is vague about actual details, but it's very specific about about your character, then it's a projection. For example, this artwork is shit and the artist is a fraud. You see, vague. That's so vague, but they have character assessed the person and given vague details about the actual work. Or my favorite, and this one is very popular in the new age community. It just gives me bad vibes, bad vibes, bad vibes. Like that's very vague. It's kind of childish. If you listen to that, the details are vague. If somebody truly wanted to give you feedback, think about it. If somebody wanted to give you feedback, they would tell you exactly with details what about the situation, person or thing or behavior you did was not quite correct or could be improved upon. They wouldn't just say your artwork is crap. They wouldn't say that. The other questions you can ask is, if I implemented this feedback, how would it benefit me and others? And are these the benefits that I want? This can be tricky because so many business coaches or business gurus will tell me about how they work in certain ways, and they get up at four o'clock in the morning, and they have these intense schedules, and they do all this marketing and advertising in order to make their business grow. I can see how that feedback might be good. But These are not benefits I want. This is not the consequences I want. I don't want to get up at four o'clock in the morning just to be able to run my business. I don't want to spend thousands and millions of dollars on advertising just to get my business forward. I'd rather not have a business at all. So while the feedback might be theoretically good, it doesn't apply to me because it's not what I want. And very likely those people lead lives that I do not want for myself and I don't admire them. So that leads back to the first question that we asked about the feedback. And the last question you can ask about the feedback is, if I implemented this feedback, how would it hurt me or others? So these two questions together, how would it benefit me and others and how would it hurt me and others, will give you a sense of whether or whether or not you want to accept this feedback or opinion or whatever it is that was presented to you. Do you feel the absolute clarity that you can get if you were just intentional with asking these questions instead of just blindly accepting or resisting what somebody said to you. Because like I said, going back to what I said in the beginning, if you think you can ignore it, most likely you're not ignoring it. It's just going into your subconscious. And if you think that you're going to attack it and obsess about it, then it's definitely going into your conscious and your subconscious. And It will just remain there, almost like a tumor, you know, and it'll grow into a tumor. And we don't want that. We want to address it. So bring it up and think through it and work on it. And don't just ignore it and don't fight it either. Analyze it from a neutral place. And these questions will help you do that. Now, how to respond. If you've determined this feedback or this opinion that was given to you was food for your soul, it truly fed you, Thank, thank, thank the person who gave it to you. Thank them, you know, almost maybe even do a little bit of a bow and say thank you so much and state to them exactly how it's helped you. Show them how you've implemented their feedback. Because these people also need to see that, okay, you know, this person didn't feel attacked by what I said. I can be honest with them. And who knows, you know, they will now go give their truthful feedback to someone else and they might help someone else. Now, if you've determined the feedback to be toxic sludge, just say the word silently or out loud. I do not accept your conclusions for blank reason. And be very specific as to why you don't accept their conclusion. You may keep them to yourself. Now, again, you can say this quietly, you can say it out loud. For example, I don't accept your conclusions... for the simple fact that I do not admire the way you live. I don't admire you as a person. I don't think you're strong. I think you get a kick out of being cruel to me. And I also think that you don't stand up for anyone or anything in your life. And therefore, I do not accept your conclusions. You may keep them to yourself. Now, again, I don't have to say that out loud because if I just said it to myself, that alone tells my mind that this is not real and it is not something I need to accept. Do you feel the power of that? Tell me you don't feel the power of that. So again, at first, I know these questions seem like a lot or they seem like overkill. But the more you implement them with enough practice and consistent application, I guarantee you, I guarantee you, you will not feel that toxic sludge, that tar feeling. You will feel shiny. You will feel polished and so clear and so clean. You'll feel clean when you interact with other people. What a gift that is. Can you just imagine that? That's so amazing. So that's what I've got for you. And before I let you go, I want, in the spirit of feedback, I want to tell you, please give me feedback. Tell me what you liked about the podcast. Tell me what you don't like about the podcast. If you love the podcast and it's helped you, please leave a review because it not only helps me, and helps keep the show running. It's a free way for you to indicate something that you love and share it with other people who might also see what your comment was and then see themselves in something that you said. Because it's one thing for me to keep yapping on, but it's another thing to get perspectives from so many other people, you know? Okay, until next time, my lovelies, may you truly, truly be fed by words that honor your dignity. Much love to you. Bye.