MindSpa - The Podcast
MindSpa is your go-to podcast for insightful conversations on mental health. Hosted by Michelle, Tina, the owners of MindSpa, each episode features roundtable discussions on key mental health topics, along with guest interviews. From stress management to relationships and personal growth, MindTalk brings professional insights in an engaging and accessible way. Tune in weekly for valuable discussions that support your well-being and help you navigate life’s challenges.
MindSpa - The Podcast
Ep 6 Perimenopause is not just hot flashes and rage.
What happens when your body suddenly feels like it belongs to someone else? When doctors dismiss your symptoms with "you're fine" despite gaining 40 pounds in a month? When you look in the mirror and don't recognize the person staring back?
Victoria L, CEO, bestselling author, and midlife woman strategist, takes us on a raw journey through the often misunderstood experience of perimenopause. Having experienced it herself beginning at just 32 years old, Victoria shares how medical professionals dismissed her symptoms for years before her health dramatically crashed at age 40. This catalytic moment led her to develop the Chaos to Confidence Method, a holistic approach helping women navigate the complex physical, emotional, and identity shifts of midlife.
Beyond the stereotypical hot flashes and mood swings, Victoria reveals perimenopause's surprising symptoms that few discuss – from frozen shoulder and itchy ears to heart palpitations and temperature regulation issues. She challenges the cultural stigma that associates menopause with being "old" or "redundant," emphasizing how this shame keeps women suffering in silence when they could be supporting each other through shared experiences.
For partners of women experiencing perimenopause, Victoria offers invaluable guidance: don't personalize the emotional responses, validate without trying to fix everything, and understand that support looks different than solutions. Her approach to reclaiming confidence isn't about faking it but reconnecting with small joys that remind us who we truly are.
This conversation isn't just for women currently navigating perimenopause – it's essential for younger women seeking to understand what's ahead, partners wanting to provide meaningful support, and anyone interested in women's health and wellbeing. Victoria challenges us all to break the silence around midlife transitions and create spaces where women can move through these changes with knowledge, community, and renewed confidence.
Ready to transform your relationship with perimenopause? Connect with Victoria at www.chaosclarityandconfidence.com and discover how to reclaim your power during this transformative life stage.
Hello, hello, welcome guys. Welcome back to another episode of the Mind Spa Podcast. We're so glad that you've joined us. Today. We have a very special guest with us Victoria L.
Speaker 1:Victoria L is a CEO, author and midlife woman strategist. She is the number one international bestselling author of Chaos, clarityarity and Confidence Finding you Again, and the creator of the Chaos to Confidence Method, helping midlife women move from overwhelm to alignment in their health, hormones, mindset and purpose. With over two decades in holistic health, victoria blends her expertise as a certified nutritionist, mindset coach, eft tapping practitioner, yoga instructor and retired massage therapist to guide women through one of the most misunderstood seasons of life perimenopause and midlife of career, pivot marriage struggles, family crisis, international moves and hormonal chaos. Victoria shares raw, relatable and actionable tools that help women reclaim their power, connect with themselves and build a life that truly reflects like theirs again. She's also a foster dog advocate, a heavy metal fan and the one blasting music with the windows down. On the way to the next chapter, help me welcome Victoria L to the Mindswell podcast. Victoria, we're so happy to have you with us this afternoon.
Speaker 2:I am so excited to be here. Thank you, ladies, so much for inviting me to be on with you guys, and I just can't wait for this conversation.
Speaker 1:Yes, we are looking forward to it and I think, like you beautifully outlined, it's definitely one of those misunderstood topics, and being able to create a space and a platform for us to get into it and talk about it allows us to really create a space for others to normalize this discussion and this topic as well, too, and so we're excited to get into it. Yes, good, awesome.
Speaker 3:I'm just going to hold it.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 3:We have some amazing questions pre-prepared here for you and we're really we're just going to jump it off with you know, you've built an entire brand around chaos, clarity and confidence. What was the personal chaos that sparked this book and your mission?
Speaker 2:So for me, I hit perimenopause unknowingly at about 32 years old. I was told, oh, you're just having menopause, and thrown all kinds of weird solutions that didn't work. So I spent a lot of years struggling through that and then, just after I turned 40, I had a major life event happen. My oldest son was in a massive accident. We were struggling in our home because my husband and I were both in jobs that had been closed down during the pandemic. So there was so much chaos going on in our lives. There was struggle in the marriage, there was struggle in my own self, there was struggle in our children, and I thought I was keeping it all together. Right, you know the good mom, I'm holding it all together. I've got everything. I'm like not admitting that I'm struggling, that I'm like overwhelmed, the chaos is too much.
Speaker 2:And then, all of a sudden, I got really unwell. I became exhausted. I just didn't know what was going on with my body. Um, that the November of that year, I, in in four weeks, I gained 40 pounds and um, and that's not normal, right, like that. It was just everything. It was literally like the weight of the world just piled onto my body and I, I just broke down. I couldn't keep going. I wasn't functioning properly physically, mentally, spiritually it was. It was like chaos and every single part of my body and being who I am, I love to research.
Speaker 2:I um, my friends make fun of me because I'm like did you read the newest PubMed? And they're like no Vic, nobody else reads medical studies for fun, just use that. And I'm like oh yeah, I'm sorry On that note, right. So I'm like, oh yeah, sorry, right. So I, here I am. I'm like googling my symptoms and googling what's going on with me. I'm digging into all these medical studies and I remember saying to my husband I'm just dying, that's it, I'm dying. And he's like you're not dying. I'm like no, I'm dying. And going to my doctors, nobody had answers, they were just you know, oh, your levels are fine, you don't need any meds, everything's good, you're only 40. Like, everything's fine. So can I ask a question? Really?
Speaker 3:quick, just for clarity. So at 32, they said this does seem like perimenopause in a very dismissive way. Is that right? And then, over the next eight years, at this point these things all start happening and they're not tying any of this to that menopause at all. They're saying, oh, we don't know what this is. Or they're saying, basically, you're fine because we're doing these certain tests. These tests say they're normal and they're not tying it to oh, this is very classic menopause or perimenopause symptoms.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, yeah. So when I when I first got told it's probably menopause when I was 32, I was like that's not, that doesn't make sense. So at that point the only solution was here's an IUD. We'll just stop your cycle, we'll get you like you know. Just just stop everything, it'll be fine. So I did that Cause I didn't know, I had no idea.
Speaker 3:Did you notice any difference with that? Did that improve any of the symptoms?
Speaker 2:I mean it stopped my cycle, but I feel like I was still crazy. I you know like my, but I feel like I was still crazy. I you know like my mood was, my mind was still yeah, everything, everything else was still crazy and I was just, but I was just not having a cycle anymore.
Speaker 3:So they chose one symptom to control.
Speaker 2:And then sent you on your own.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so, um, yeah, everything just kind of like eight years of chaos and and stuff just piled and piled and piled until I got to that point where I was like I have to take it into my own hands, I have to use what I know and start to dig in. And that's when I really I started to dig in to learn about, you know, the mind body connection even deeper, to learn about how nutrition and what we're fueling our body is directly related to the hormones that are happening in our body. And that's kind of when the chaos to confidence method was born. It started to evolve from that point.
Speaker 3:And is that where career shifted to then, because there's that nutritionist part in your career. So is that what sparked that as well, then, or was that already there?
Speaker 2:It was already there. I'd been working as a nutritionist for about a decade at this point. But even in my studies we didn't dig super deep into the connection of our food and our hormones and women's health, because women's health is not studied to the level that other. You know, men's health is right. I'm sure, as women, you guys know that there's such a divide there. We find that these studies are done, you know, especially in the nutritional field. The studies are done on young, healthy males and there's not many studies that are done on, okay, women in our forties and our late thirties. What do we need? Our bodies have shifted completely. There's so much difference happening for us. So, yeah, that all of the tools that I had, I almost felt like they were a little incomplete, like everything was amazing. I had a lot of tools and I'd really learned how to research and to dig deep, but there were so many little missing pieces before I started the journey of actually finding out what this chaos was all about.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think that's a good point when it comes to even discovering what the chaos is about, especially if it's an area that's often overlooked. Right, the midlife women, their experiences, what they're going through. For you at 32, it was overlooked. You had to sort of go through it on your own before it came to, clarity was brought to what exactly it is I'm going through, and so, based on your experience and the book, why do you feel, what makes you think that the midlife women's experience is one of those areas that becomes overlooked?
Speaker 2:I think for a lot of us, we don't speak up the way that we should for ourselves, or the one thing I'm finding with a lot of the women I'm working with, there's almost like an undertone of shame or, you know, we don't want to say, oh, this is happening to me, right, like we don't want to come forward and say, I'm not sure, but I feel like I'm having some sort of weird anxiety attacks all the time and I don't know why.
Speaker 2:Because we're conditioned to believe, like I said before, I can handle it, I've got this, I'm in control, I am the mom of the family, I am, I have got this right. So that is what I'm finding a lot of. A lot of women coming forward are just like I don't really want to admit what's happening, or there's a stigmatism there that they know they think this makes me look like I'm not a strong woman, right, when in actuality, opening these conversations and being open and honest with each other, that is, there's so much strength and power in sharing that with each other. So that's kind of what I'm seeing, yeah, absolutely, seeing, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 3:And I wonder too if there's a piece where it's like also, if I go to my professional, my health professional, and say this, they might come back with a very dismissive oh that's just your hormones. And that feels really awful, especially if it is something like panic and anxiety and all of that when it's just said, okay, well, that's just your hormones. All of that when it's just said, okay, well, well, that's just your hormones. Which does give this sort of it's all in your head. You're making this up, it's not that bad. You should be able to control this. Like, just knowing it's your hormones should make it go away, which is not, definitely not how that works.
Speaker 1:It's one thing to know the what, but then how like?
Speaker 3:what do I?
Speaker 1:do with that information, now that I know what it is Right and again, that can lead a lot of people to prevent themselves from getting the support. It's the dismissive nature or am I going to be believed or what's this going to resolve in? But I think that idea definitely becomes a barrier for a lot of people, especially midlife women.
Speaker 3:And do you think cause? Have you ever had it where you've suggested to someone, maybe it's hormonal Cause? I'm picturing like women talking about these symptoms with each other. So let's say you have a woman who's very aware, like yourself. They know what it is, they've experienced it. And then they have a friend come and say, oh, I'm having these symptoms. And then you, knowing everything that you know, saying you know it may be perimenopause or menopause and someone being like I'm insulted, how dare you call me old is, I think, actually what gets received versus it can happen at any time. Very, very young. 32 is very, very young. It really can, and it's not an indication of it's not an insult, but I could see that potentially, people being like how dare you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's so funny story around that. Actually, do you guys remember Golden Girls? Like I grew up, golden Girls was my band I still love it. Every single night I watched that show. Those ladies were in their early forties, you know, like mid forties, mid forties, yeah.
Speaker 3:So here we are Is that what old people in their mid forties look like then, cause that's not what they look like now. This is the thing.
Speaker 2:So we grew up like that. We grew up thinking oh my God, like that's so old.
Speaker 1:Look at them. They're old, they're like silver hairs right.
Speaker 2:They were the old ladies that hung out and lived together because they were like outcasted from society. And so then we have this perception that, oh my gosh, you're telling me I'm old, you're telling me I'm in perimenopause, like I'm hitting menopause already, like no, that's like golden girl stuff and I have to.
Speaker 2:I've had a couple conversations with people like they're our age, yeah, like they didn't age as well as we are, but they're already in our food right like um so, yes, there is a lot of that stigmatism too that we associate um especially, I find, in this culture, like western culture, we associate menopause with you're old, you're redundant, you're no good anymore. I do hear a massive shift happening in that conversation, but I do know that a lot of women feel that way, right, because now we're no longer childbearing. I mean like I haven't wanted any more kids for 20 something years, but like, like I haven't wanted any more kids for 20 something years, but like you know it's that, oh, the purpose of me is starting to go away and I've had many of those conversations.
Speaker 3:And I could see it also being like being dismissed as a contributor if they know that you're going through that in the sense of like you're unstable now because your emotions are unstable. Maybe you're not making good decisions, maybe you're not going to be a good leader. Maybe you know the the sort of I have doubt in you as a stable human because you're going through this change.
Speaker 1:That's a good point so, when it comes to like the myths right, like what are the misconceptions, what are the myths that we have as society? When it comes to what paramount pause looks like, um that we sort of start to fall into right, I think that that's a big part of the whole experience. It's like I don't know, but I do have these myths and these misconceptions and that's what I kind of run with yeah, what do you come across?
Speaker 3:miss, misconceptions, what do you? What do you see?
Speaker 2:The biggest one is that it's all hot flashes and peri-rage right. So if you're an angry, self-centered, hot-flashing old lady then you must be in menopause. That's the biggest one. When I have these conversations, we do our client intakes and I'm like, okay, so very potentially. Yes, you kind of tick all the boxes intakes and I'm like, okay, so very potentially. Yes, you kind of tick all the boxes, you're heading either starting perimetopause or hitting into that next stage and they're like I haven't had any night sweats yet, or I don't have hot flashes, or I'm not mean and grumpy. I'm like, okay, but that's. You know, there's so much more to it than just those little things that we've associated with it.
Speaker 3:So, on that note then, can you share what actually people should be looking out for so they have a better idea of the whole picture of what it can look like?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so the funny thing is is we have yet to understand what it fully looks like.
Speaker 3:But there's so many weird symptoms, so many.
Speaker 2:Like itching ears, that's a big one. Ringing in the ears, that's another one. Headaches, another major one, obviously, like the periods being a little erratic or longer, heavier periods than you're used to. That's also another one that comes up. Heart palpitations, anxiety, depression, these are all things that come up. Body ache, frozen shoulder oh yeah, I heard that recently and I was like the frozen shoulder one.
Speaker 3:Frozen shoulder is a sign of, and I was in shock.
Speaker 2:I just don't see the connection.
Speaker 3:I guess it's inflammation, but why the shoulder?
Speaker 2:Why not somewhere else Of all the parts of the?
Speaker 3:body, of all the parts of the body, I mean. We use them to carry our babies. I don't know what is that.
Speaker 2:The theory is that because usually when we start to go through this, we get more inflammation within the body, and one of the places that as our hormones shift, we get a lot of inflammation is in our breasts. So we get a lot of inflammation is in our breasts, so we get huge breast tenderness, discomfort. The lymph nodes that are right in here get inflamed because the breast tissue is inflamed and so if you're constantly like someone that's using your shoulder all the time, that area then becomes also inflamed and it's very common that that that is a common symptom of frozen. Frozen shoulder is a common symptom of frozen shoulders a common symptom.
Speaker 2:I spent years like I was 25 years as an RMT and I only learned this in the last six years of my practice, that that is a symptom. And so I had woman after woman after woman coming to me and we are beating the living heck out of their shoulders and nothing is changing. And I've actually gone back to some of my clients and been like I am so sorry, I just realized you were in perimenopause and we were beating up your shoulders and we shouldn't have been. But you know like again, there's not a lot of information.
Speaker 3:I guess the good news is, though, is I had already heard that. So this is showing how the conversation is changing and why you're such an important person in that, because it takes people like yourself to change the conversation and engage in the conversation and make it safe to talk about and normalize it, not in.
Speaker 3:I think that sometimes there's there's this distinction between normalizing and actually invalidating youating you kind of want to say, yes, actually this is a normal part of the process and what the hormones do to you and all that type of stuff. But there's no shame about it. There's no stigma to it. It's just what your body is doing.
Speaker 1:And I like that you recognize that everyone's body is going to do different things right the diversity in the experience, the diversity in how that looks for different people, different parts of their body. But that's also an important piece to recognize that I might not experience the hot flashes, but I might notice the throat and shoulder, for example, right. That doesn't mean that my experience of perimenopause is less or more or any different. It just shows up differently. And that's hugely important and validating at the same time.
Speaker 3:I have a question about the hot flash piece, because I think that a lot of times we equate that to like sweating profusely, turning beet red and all that kind of stuff, which I've definitely seen before. But I'm wondering about just general. My body's temperature doesn't regulate the way that it used to. It's like it's not what you would describe as a hot flash Cause, like for me. When I'm sleeping I'm like I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm hot, I'm cold. Why can't I actually just find the right temperature? I just have this sheet and I'm like it's on Okay, that's too hot. It's off oh, I'm freezing. Is that? I'm assuming that's a piece of it? That's just not.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it absolutely is. Yeah, um. So the funny thing is is that we, we associate the hormone changes with the hot flash, but there's also a thing called a cold flash as well. So as our hormones go, our body regulatory systems do the same thing, so also our heat regulatory system, right, so we can go from being freezing cold to sweating buckets in seconds, or you can have that little as there's little tiny shifts. You can have that moment where you're like oh it's cold, no, I'm hot, oh I'm cold. Right, so that is absolutely a part of it, just your body trying to find that baseline. Again, get back to a center space.
Speaker 3:Now, does it happen more at night, or is just more noticeable at night, cause you don't have anything distracting you, especially if it's just those minor changes in the temperature? Do you know what I mean? Because I would think that maybe, if it's minor, you just wouldn't notice it in your waking hours, cause I don't notice it ever when I'm awake, but as soon as I'm sleeping. That's when I'm like noticing it.
Speaker 2:There is. There's a lot of processes that happen during our sleep, that happen at nighttime as our cortisol levels change, as our melatonin goes yeah, not melatonin yeah goes up. There's different things that are happening in those hormone processes. Gulf up there's different things that are happening in those hormone processes. So it is more common in our evening time because there is more regulatory things happening right that rest and digest time. The body is digesting our food, the body is repairing itself. It's a very, very important time, which reminds me that if we aren't getting our sleep, that can exacerbate so many of these symptoms because we aren't having that regulatory time at night that we need.
Speaker 3:Especially all those mood ones that we know right, because pretty much if anybody is coming into our clinic and they are saying they have any mental health symptoms, we have to ask about sleep, number one. And until that's regulated I don't think you can have mental health without good sleep. And so do you find, and I wonder because do you ever find? Then people start relying on stuff to help them sleep, so medications or cannabis and that type on stuff to help them sleep, so medications or cannabis and that type of stuff to help them sleep, but then now they're struggling to wake up.
Speaker 3:Then they need caffeine or substances to help them wake up, and then they get in this cycle of caffeine substances, that type of thing, and then they're not. Probably I mean what we understand about that is usually not the best sleep quality wise yeah, there's definitely, um, definitely those factors at play as well.
Speaker 2:I do like um in my, in my program we talk, we do a lot of evening wind down programs, so how to properly bring your body down out of that tension into a space where it can actually fall asleep, and then also how to do the morning wake up properly as well. So you know, we use tools like the EFT tapping, the meditation. I do have some things where at night you can play it in the background and helps to just regulate the mind, keep your nervous system in check so you can stay asleep. But yeah, definitely there is more and more I am finding the crutch of. You know, how do I need this to fall asleep? And then I need these things to wake up and all of them aren't going to be great for hormones either, I imagine right.
Speaker 3:We do know that melatonin is a natural hormone that we create, but if we start taking it exogenously, then our brain stops creating it and then you can have, I think on the bottle it says don't take for longer than two weeks, I think straight, but without speaking to a doctor. Maybe it's a bit longer, but I think a lot of people just take it for years on end and then potentially impact their own hormones. Now you mentioned your program, though I mean I would love to hear more about what your program is and how it helps people through this process.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely so I do a group coaching program so we get together. I'll be launching another one after the summer. I find the summer I don't know if you guys find the same thing, but everyone's like I just want to be out getting my vitamin D.
Speaker 3:So leave me alone. Yeah, One of our therapists said something the other day. She said the sun is a better therapist than I can ever be.
Speaker 1:I like that, that was.
Speaker 3:Melissa yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree a hundred percent. So, yeah, so I'll be launching another startup in the fall, but it's basically we come together for about 12 weeks give or take, depending on exactly. I'm going to rework it a little bit, but it's about 12 week program and we take all the steps to go from. What is my chaos? How can I recognize it? How can I be present with it? Um, because I I know we live in a world where chaos exists all the time, right, but how do we step out of it and allow it to be around us but not be consumed by it or overtaken? So we start there. We recognize everybody's chaos is different, everybody's trigger zones are different.
Speaker 2:So we use the tools, we learn how to recognize it and then we step into finding the clarity of who do you want to be right now? Right, so, if the chaos is gone, what brings you joy? What do you want in this moment? Are there things that need to change? How do we get clear on that person that you want so that you can feel the joy, the happiness, you can feel connected to yourself again, you can feel connected to the people around you. And then, once you have that clarity and you know this is the person that I want to be. Then you can start to be confident in her.
Speaker 2:And I give the tools. And you know we do a lot of journaling, we do EFT tapping, we talk about nutrition, we talk about movement, we talk about our hormones, our cycles. We bring it all together so that when you're at the end of the program you can confidently be the person that you want to be. Not the person stuck in your chaos, not the person overwhelmed by everything, not the person triggered by every little thing in life anymore. Right, it still may happen, because if you're in perimenopause, I'm not going to guarantee that I'm going to be able to like cure you of the perimenopause ragees. But let's let's get to a point where you know how to handle the things that are so much in midlife right, there's so much that we carry and where you can be confident in yourself, where you can feel good, where your body is nourished, you're hydrated is a huge one. You're fueling into your own self. The self-care is more than just. I went and did a facial once a month.
Speaker 3:Or wine, unfortunately, which has been normalized to be self-care, which I don't, you know, in our line of work, maybe not, not the best one. Now you were talking about something that that that brings the question in on, and I think I'm really hoping there's some men listening right now because I think it's an important topic for men to also know about, because if they're able to support their partner through it, it's going to create a lot less chaos, they understand what's going on and they can show up in a way to support. So I guess what's your biggest advice for men on how to support their women when they're going through this?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that is a huge, huge question that I get asked a lot and I think the biggest thing. First of all, ladies, we need to be honest and open about what we are going through, right, if you're screaming and yelling at your partner and you're not able to tell them look, I don't feel normal in my body, but you can scream and yell at them. Body, but you can scream and yell at them. It's difficult because they don't know what you're going through if you're not going to talk about it. So that's my number one thing talk about it and to the support people that are around you, whether it's your husbands, your partners, even your parents, if there's people that are around you that are trying to be a support system Because you have sons, so your sons as well.
Speaker 3:I have three boys, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they've heard it all. They're in their, they're in their early twenties and they they'll they'll tell you all about all the things they're like. They they'll go out and buy tampons for their girlfriends, like they don't even care.
Speaker 1:I love it, they're just, they're just like whatever.
Speaker 2:It's just a thing that happens. But I think the biggest thing is, as a support person, being able to say my lady, my beautiful woman, is going through something and I'm not going to take it personally because she may be having an absolutely shitty day for no reason. Yeah, just can't figure it out. It's a horrible day. And if the partner is there being like, well, what did I do wrong? Why are you treating me this way? It just makes it so much worse.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Why are you?
Speaker 3:mad at me. Why are you mad at me? I'm not mad at you, yeah.
Speaker 2:So Well now I am, but I wasn't Right. Right now you're making me mad. That's what I always say. You keep asking me. I will get mad, yeah Right, but being able to take a step away from it again, that chaos, stepping away and looking at it for what it really is and not just it's just not taking it. So personally not making it, that you know, I know, um, my husband especially, he is like how do I fix everything, how do I make it better? And I'm like, dude, you can't right now. The best thing you can do, one um, keep your body heat completely away from me right now to maybe, you know, like get me a glass of water, but like the it's just that being a support instead of trying to be a fixer.
Speaker 3:That's the biggest thing. Yeah, I feel like there's something so powerful. I'm just like I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this right now. It must be difficult, you know, because that that really honors the fact that that like I can't fix it for you and I think just just from you know, just just generally, validating what somebody is going through is the most supportive thing. You can ever go, you can ever do for someone yeah and and and what you said.
Speaker 3:The next or another thing that has to be paired right with it is not personalizing and it's funny because it's actually very similar to dealing with teenagers who are also hormonal is the best advice that I always give is don't take it personal. They they don't want to be so upset with you right now. They on some level, probably realize they're overreacting in this situation and that just makes them feel worse. And so now interestingly, I just had this thought teenagers often try to isolate because of that. They start trying to spend more time away from their parents in their room and that type of stuff, Because, like, I find you irritating. However, I love you and I feel guilty and bad for finding you so irritating when you're just chewing and so I'm going to remove myself from myself. Do you feel like women maybe do that as well? They start isolating because they don't like the thoughts that are coming up, the emotions that are coming up towards the people that they really care about and love. So, just like, just leave me. Just leave me alone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it's definitely something that we're seeing more and more is just pulling away, you know, pulling away from your friend groups, pulling away from the people that are around you, because, exactly that, you know you're being really not the nicest person, but you can't stop it sometimes, and so the best thing to do is I'm just going to hide, I'm going to go away, and I also think that, because the conversation wasn't so open before, a lot, of, a lot of women just felt like I'm alone, nobody else. Everyone else is being fine, they're normal, they're having look at them. They're going out and having drinks and having a great time. And I go out and I'm mean and I'm nasty, and then I'm. You know, if I have a drink, I can't focus and function for days on end, and so there's all these little things.
Speaker 3:Okay, there's a relationship there too. Then that ability to sort of recover after a drink or two is affected.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's huge yeah, yeah. So many of the so many that's a big thing. A lot of my, a lot of my people come to me and they're like I can't drink and I'm like no welcome to the club.
Speaker 3:So that's hormonal, then it affects the hormones, oh.
Speaker 2:Yeah, usually, with most women, it's a histamine response. So if you ever have like you have a glass of wine and your face goes beet red or you know you get that hot flush from the alcohol, that's a histamine response. And when your hormones are all over the place and you top a histamine response on top of that, a lot of women just can't recover from it. It's like being down with a cold because of the body's wanting to rid it of alcohol as a poison. Right I had no idea. It's very common.
Speaker 3:I had no idea Interesting. I want to go to one of our questions. Sorry, we just this. Just natural questions were coming up, but we have cause I want to. I'm definitely curious about this one. So you talk about reclaiming confidence when you don't feel confident, but what does that look like in real life?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a good question. So when we don't feel confident, there's a couple of things that we can do to kind of like trick ourselves into feeling confident. Not the fake it till you make it. That's not what I'm talking about. I am not a fake it till you make it kind of person. I don't believe that that's a good thing at all. But there's a couple of things. So, for example, when you're really down on yourself and you're feeling like discombobulated or you know just not great, what's one thing that you love to do? Maybe you love to go for a walk, maybe you love to.
Speaker 2:I had one of my clients. She just loved to put on makeup. It just she just loved doing makeup, whether it was hers or somebody else's or whatever, she just loved it. She wasn't like a makeup artist or anything, but it just brought her joy. It's like okay.
Speaker 2:So those days when you're like I can't do this and I'm just not myself, I just don't feel good in myself, go put on the makeup, grab your daughter, put makeup on her face. Put makeup on your face, whatever it is. It's something that she knows she's good at, that she feels confident in and it can remind her this is something I'm good at. I am good at things, I am confident, I am a talented person in this one thing. So I really believe like confidence to me isn't that like big, flashy, look at me, I'm so fantastic, everyone, look at me, I'm so amazing.
Speaker 2:Confidence is a little inner, a little inner person that's like, yeah, we got this, we can do this. And it doesn't have to be loud, it doesn't have to be aggressive, it's just that little spark. And so if you have one little thing that can spark that conversation inside you, that says it's okay, we're good at that thing, right, or I really I'm feeling I love going for walks, they make me feel good. So now I feel that little bit of confidence in myself again. It doesn't have to be major, just a little, a little, a little something. And do you find?
Speaker 3:that, because that sounds a bit like behavior activation. Right, if someone is feeling depressed, we're saying do the things that you know bring you joy, whether you feel like doing them or not. So is that an element to it as well, where you have to say you might not feel like cause you're not feeling confident. You might not feel like doing makeup, so then you don't, and then that keeps feeding the lack of confidence. So sometimes you have to take the action in order to feel better.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Okay, yeah, a hundred percent. Yeah, the behavior activation is huge right, I know you guys see it in probably in so many of your clients if you can just do that one little thing, if you can take the time to convince yourself to do that one little thing, and then that sparks more things, right, you know, when we're in that depression and we just can't get to the space of I can have a shower because I'm so depressed and I just don't want to take care of myself, what if you just went into the bathroom for a minute and then left right, like it doesn't have to be something huge? Just take these tiny little steps to remind yourself of that person, that confident person. I love it, yeah.
Speaker 3:That's great. One of the oh sorry, you go ahead, One of the questions we have for you too, because you talked a little bit at the beginning of that. You had sort of a chaotic, catalytic moment that sort of put you on this journey. Can you share with us a little bit more of that kind of personal background?
Speaker 2:Yeah, do you want to know about the whole chaos that exploded?
Speaker 3:Well, whatever you feel like sharing, but more just so that the listeners can kind of understand what helped motivate you to go on this journey.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So, like I said before, I think the biggest catalyst was the weight gain, the 40 pounds. All of a sudden, I just did not feel like myself. I didn't know who she was. In my book I talk about how there's this moment where.
Speaker 2:So I'm in the shower, right it's, the day has completely fallen apart already. It's only seven o'clock in the morning. The day's completely fallen apart. I am rushing everyone. I had to get everyone ready for everything. I am rushing everyone. I had to get everyone ready for everything. Everyone's finally out the house. I got to get to work and I'm in the shower. The family's taken all the hot water, so I'm having this ice cold shower. It's lasting like three minutes, because that's as long as I can handle it.
Speaker 2:I go to go to the shower. The only towel left is like the little hand towel and I'm like good, this is, this is my life today, right? So I take the towel, I'm drying off and as I'm doing that, I look in the mirror and I I had this like what? Who is that? And I saw this woman standing in front of the mirror, um, completely naked from the waist up, because, um, um, I you know who's covering themselves with a fricking face cloth not me. Um, so I'm standing there and I'm like my eyes are black, my skin is just gray and dull. I I'm like I've gained so much weight. I don't look anything like the person that I thought I would look like. When I looked at myself in the mirror, and even the color of my eyes. They were so dark and so gray.
Speaker 2:And I just remember, in that moment I just started bawling. I didn't know who she was, I didn't know, you know, how I had gotten to that point. I just felt so overwhelmed. Everything hit me all at the same time. And you know, I am, I'm, I'm feeling everything all at the same time.
Speaker 2:And I think that was the moment for me where I was like I can't keep going like this. This person looking at me in the mirror. I don't know who she is anymore. She doesn't look like me, she doesn't talk like me, she's exhausted. I'd also lost almost all my hair, like my hair had fallen out. I just like, when I tell you, I did not know who she was, I, I just didn't. Um, and that moment, moment, I I just knew something has to change, and that was. That was the moment that sparked everything. Um, digging into everything, just figuring out, you know, like, um, I couldn't change all the things that had happened up to that point, all the luggage that I was bringing into that point. But how do I move forward, not so burdened by all the chaos, not so overwhelmed by it? And yeah, that's when I was like, screw this, I'm heading to PubMed and reading some medical journals. I love that Figure this out, right, like what's going on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think that's such an important piece. It's being able to find out. What are my resources? How do I tap into the resources that I have available to me to figure it out, which we don't often do and I think that what you share today your vulnerability, your openness is inspiring to many of our listeners, men and women alike, and so I'm so grateful for that. What's one thing that you want to leave our listeners with? When you think about those who are navigating midlife at this point, or supporting their partners who are navigating midlife at this point, what's one thing that you want to leave them with?
Speaker 2:My biggest hope through all of this through sharing my story, through being vulnerable and putting it out in paper is that you're not alone, and I think that is so important because we often feel like we are the only ones facing. Whatever it is that we're facing whether it's perimetopause or menopause, or your partner going through it or you know anything depression, overwhelm, anxiety you're not alone. There's so many others that are in the same boat as you in some way or not, or else, and just open the conversation and let's you know, let's talk about it, let's talk it through and not feel so isolated.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and you did that. Yeah, you did that, and I love that that you're doing the group format because that you're creating that community that is so necessary and you're creating that conversation that's so necessary for people to have. It's a beautiful thing that you're that you've put together, and so if, if any, if any of our listeners want to connect with you, um, can you just share with us, like, just how to get connected with you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, the best way to stay connected is actually to join my mailing list for my email. Um, you can find all the information. Everything about me is on my website, so it's wwwchaosclarityandconfidencecom. And, yeah, everything is there so you can connect in any way.
Speaker 3:Right there, Amazing. Well, we'll have that link in our notes section of the podcast so that people can easily connect with you, Because I think we could have you on again and ask you some more questions. I would love to hear a little bit about your music taste, though. I know that you have like the. I want to hear about like are you? You're rocking out that. I imagine that helps with any rage.
Speaker 2:Yes, well, I mean, like you know, raising three boys and they were country boys and they really rambunctious and did all kinds of crazy things, so you know you kind of have to have an outlet. Rambunctious and did all kinds of crazy things, so you know you kind of have to have an outlet. For me, that was, you know, some good heavy metal, some good heavy rock and just put it on blast in the speakers and it's amazing how therapeutic it is to. You know, it's not normal to just sit and scream at people, so you have the music in the background. It kind of makes it look like you're just, you know, having a good time.
Speaker 3:I love that. It's like, yeah, it's very cathartic. I can imagine there's lots of people that I've said before like have you ever thought about maybe doing like those boxing classes where you can box it out on the bag, because that can be very cathartic. So I love that.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Well, thank you so much for joining us today and hopefully we can get you back again chatting on some more of these topics. Yeah, absolutely yeah, fantastic.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Thank you so much.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
