The MindSpa Podcast

S1 · Ep 28: Compassion Over Control — Choosing Connection Instead of Being Right | The MindSpa Podcast

• Batten Media House • Season 1 • Episode 28

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In this episode of The MindSpa Podcast, Tina Wilston and Michelle Massunken explore how small moments can carry unexpected emotional weight, and how compassion often builds more connection than control ever could.

A few degrees on a thermostat. A green dress with shifting expectations. An anniversary cake that feels “just fine” to one partner and deeply disappointing to the other. These everyday situations can quickly escalate when stress, finances, or unspoken assumptions are layered in. Tina and Michelle unpack why seemingly minor decisions can symbolize something much bigger, especially in close relationships.

Through practical examples, they discuss how to set expectations without sounding rigid or punitive. From writing clearer dress codes that respect budgets, to resetting houseguest boundaries without shame, to separating a child’s needs from adult celebrations, the conversation focuses on language that protects connection. The episode also explores how compromise can be structured thoughtfully, whether around comfort in shared spaces or around competing emotional needs.

At the centre of the discussion is repair. When someone says, “It’s just cake,” they may miss what the moment represents: the desire to feel remembered, chosen, and considered. Tina and Michelle model how to shift from defensiveness to curiosity, how to apologize with intention, and how to build shared traditions that fit real life rather than idealized expectations.

This episode offers grounded scripts, relational insight, and small shifts that can lower conflict while strengthening trust.

Send your scenarios or questions to media@themindspa.ca.

The MindSpa Podcast

Thoughtful conversations about mental health, relationships, identity, healing, grounded in clinical expertise and steady human insight.

Hosts

Tina Wilston, M.Ed., Registered Psychotherapist

Co-Owner, MindSpa Mental Health Centre

LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook

Michelle Massunken, MSW, RSW

Co-Owner, MindSpa Mental Health Centre

LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook

MindSpa Mental Health Centre

Ottawa - Kanata & Gloucester

themindspa.ca

LinkedIn, instagram

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Tina Wilston:

Welcome back to the MindSpa Podcast. Today's episode is our very fun Am I the A-Hole Post? So we're gonna jump right in to our first post. I, 29-year-old female, am part of a friend group of three, and we were all invited to the same wedding. The bride sent a group chat message telling us the dress code. Semi-formal, jewel tones, preferred, nothing white, ivory, black, or red, please. I found a beautiful deep emerald dress and bought it. A few days later, I got a private message from the bride saying, Actually, I've now decided that none of us none of us friends should wear green. It clashes with the bridesmaid's dresses, you know? She asked me to switch and offered me cash back if I returned the dress. I said, okay, found another dress, royal blue. But when I told her, she got irritated and said I shouldn't, uh I should have known better to consult her before buying. She says I'm making unnecessary drama and she didn't say green was off limits originally. I feel annoyed because the budget, um, return shipping and stress are sorry, I can't read that. Are on me. There we go. Are on me. Am I the a-hole for pushing back and saying I won't pay for the return shipping or hunt for yet another dress? Wow. So the blue is also an issue? Well, what I'm thinking, I know this, I I now realize after reading it, it's a bit confusing, but it does seem like she's trying to say, I didn't say green was off limits, even though she did, and you could have kept your green dress.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

But yeah, she wrote in the group chat that green clashes with the bridesmaids' dresses.

Tina Wilston:

Yes, yeah. So she's kind of going back on what she said, but also put saying she's being traumatic. Right. Right.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

You're the one who's changing the rules on everybody on the last minute, and we're trying to support as best as we possibly can. Right. But you're making it difficult for us to be able to support.

Tina Wilston:

I feel like this is an interesting topic just in general about brides and to what degree as their friends and family do we bend to their will on their wedding day. And when is it just like because you see this come up too with like no kids at the wedding and and all these other, these other sort of I don't know, rules that are put on these wedding situations.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

And I always look back at my own wedding. I'm like, I feel like I was a little bit too like, you know, I could have been more flexible on certain things.

Tina Wilston:

Okay.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

But when you're in the moment and you are the bride, everything feels like it's revolving around your wedding day, right? And again, I get that because you've anticipated this day, you have expectations, you're spending a lot of money on this day. And so you want it to be what you want it to be. But I feel like there's also, in hindsight, for many people, probably this idea of like, okay, I was probably a little bit too rigid with what I had expected guests to do, right?

Tina Wilston:

And sometimes it's the emotions that might get in the way of things, but it's hard because you want to support the bride, but then sometimes they don't realize that they're being very emotional about things and it's starting to affect everything in their mind is blowing up much bigger than the reality of the day would actually look like exactly. I have to tell you, I am surprised that you would be a rigid bride. Like my experience of you is so not rigid and sense, like no kids allowed. Oh, that was one that felt important to you. Yeah. Yeah.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

I had a no kids allowed rule. Um, just because again, like seating and vibes at the wedding.

Tina Wilston:

Completely different table, people leaving early, the kids are getting tired, yeah, screaming in the background.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

So that was like one of my biggest things. Otherwise, like with my bridesmaids, I was like, you guys pick your own dress. This is the color.

Tina Wilston:

Okay.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Pick your own style kind of thing. I was flexible in that sense. But I think when you mentioned the kids, I was like, Yeah, that was me actually.

Tina Wilston:

Okay. That makes more sense. Cause that that that one I actually I understand, because I'm just like, you're rigid about with what? It's not mapping. Yeah.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

But certain things where it's like in hindsight, I'm like, and as a mother now, I'm like, okay, I wouldn't bring my own kids. But then if I had like a newborn, for example, right? Like, does that fall under the kids category? For some and for many, it does. Yeah. Right. And so it's like sometimes there needs to be a level of flexibility when it comes to certain things. Um, but then also the dress thing, too, right? I think it's like at this point, I don't know that she's the a-hole for uh pushing back. At the end of the day, I mean, they're not taking that like the pictures are gonna be one thing, right? And if the bridesmaids' dresses clash with the green, well, I mean, I don't know that that's a significant reason enough to push for someone to alter and to change and to push their own budget. Yeah. Because it doesn't align with what you had in mind aesthetically. Yeah. Like that's not fair.

Tina Wilston:

It it's not, but then my mind also goes to what battles do you want to fight? Like, is it worth the friendship to potentially push? Because the the unfortunate thing about the person who posted the question, because you're not the bride, if you push this issue, they will always have the you did this to me on my wedding time, like you cause the stress. They will potentially hold on to that, and that will potentially negatively impact your friendship from now on, versus letting it go on your end, right? Like you can salvage that relationship a lot more. So, do I think that they'd be a terrible person for like pushing back? I don't, but do I think it would potentially risk the relationship due to the fact that it's regarding a wedding? Unfortunately, I think somebody would hold on to it more because it's high too.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

And so this might not be the time to pick that battle. Yeah. Let me just do what I need to do. And then if I decide to have a conversation later about it, then we do that.

Tina Wilston:

But let's try to repair this later once it's done and that type of stuff. Right. But it it is a tough situation. You want to be respectful of what but even I was thinking about the kids thing again, where it's like actually all things wedding related, these expectations when people say, first of all, some of the things that they do for um sorry, bachelorette parties and stuff, like where it's like, let's go to Vegas. I'm I'm sorry, I'm paying my ticket, right? Or destination weddings, or um even just like going to even from you're in Ottawa and you go to Toronto, that that's like if I do have kids, if the amount of time I'm taking care, the costel, like yeah, it adds up.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

And if that's a gift.

Tina Wilston:

Yeah, yeah. And if it's family members, I always think of this too. If you say no kids, but then all the family members are going to the wedding, there's no one to look after your kid. And if your kid isn't um, like if you have to be away for several days, like I don't know.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

There's certain things that's a thing, right? Like those when you're a bride, I feel like you're in a different stage in life, right? No kid not thinking about those things. Right. And I think that could be the issue.

Tina Wilston:

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

That's the issue. And I'm just like, okay, now like as a mother, I'm going to be, I'm gonna look at things very differently, right? It's like, I mean, it is what it is, but I think that those are part of that's part of it, where it's like you're not in that season or in that stage of life where you have to make these considerations and like think about those things. Like if all the family members are here, who's watching the kids?

Tina Wilston:

Right. Especially if it's yeah it's a family wedding. Yeah, right.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

But I think again, it's emotions are high. And at that point, the bride is thinking about what their wishes are, what they've anticipated their day looking like, and that's it's tunnel vision.

Tina Wilston:

I think now they're paying such incredible prices for it. We have a few therapists in our clinic, right? That are too empty a plate. Like that is crazy. It's it's insane. That is insane. So you understand why the emotions are high and why so much pressure is on that day. Yeah. So yeah. Yeah. I guess.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Next one. So this is the free stay guest. Yeah. Uh, so I, 34 male, live in a two-bedroom apartment with my partner, 32 female. We invited her sister, or my sister rather, 28 female, to house sit and stay over while she visited our city for a month. We said, stay anytime. You're welcome. But we assumed that she'd contribute a little towards groceries, bringing her own extras, use the couch, spare uh spare room, et cetera. Halfway through this day, she started using our cars without asking, uh, renting the fridge for full meals, not just breakfast or snacks, having friends over late at night. My partner asked her to knock it out, or knock it down rather, a notch. The sister flipped and accused us of being ungrateful and behaving like we rented the place out. Now I'm frustrated. We offered hospitality, but expected basic respect and communication. She says I owe her more than thanks because you told me I could just stay. Am I the a-hole for telling my sister she has to leave earlier than planned because she crossed the line?

Tina Wilston:

So much here to dig into it. There's a lot here. I mean, okay, if we start with this, I'm kind of confused by this. I invited my sister to house sit and stay over while she visited our city for a month. Are they there or are they not there? Right. What's the vibe you're getting from that?

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Yeah. Because you shouldn't have a full fridge if you're not there. But it sounds like they are there because they're seeing the friends coming over. Yeah. Okay, so they are there.

Tina Wilston:

So it's not really house sitting, it's house like hanging out at house hang. Stay anytime, you're welcome. But we assumed they had me at assumed. Yeah. You don't assume you gotta, you, you have to set your expectations, especially when it comes to contribution and when it comes to family. Because I think that there is an assumption if you're not family to compensate when somebody's doing you a favor in a way that that assumption doesn't rest in families. It's not assumed. It's not unreasonable to ask clear. Yeah. I would say so. Yeah. I would say so. You have to be so the I assumed is definitely a problem. Cause I think that their resentment and frustration towards her was probably amplified by not contributing. Cause they basically say the reason for her going is like, or us her wanting her to leave is the car and the friends. But that was probably amplified by also the finite, like the lack of financial contribution.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Like if you were, if you had the friends over and you were born in the car, but you also contributed in a significant way, that might balance out the scale a little bit.

Tina Wilston:

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

But when the scale seems to be really disproportionate and tipped one way over the other, then it feels more like a liability if anything. And at that point in time, you're in the right to ask her to leave early because the lines are being crossed.

Tina Wilston:

But then again, the lines were not always clear, right? Like, what did you say about having friends over? Um, the car one though. I don't know. I'm trying to think of like why would you assume it's okay to just use someone's car? That's why I mean, honestly, I guess I should have read through these more because it's it's so unclear. I would think that they'd use the car if they aren't there. Right. Versus that they are there. But let's okay, let's go with okay, they're not there and she uses the car. Definitely she should ask, but also where how do you expect her to get around? She's not from the city if she doesn't have a car. How is she actually supposed to get around?

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

And so I think it comes back down to like the communication has not been clear. And so you're feeling as if she's overstepping or crossing over the lines, but in her mind, she's like, There are there are no lines. Yeah. You're my brother. We're family. And so that's even a tough position for him to be in as the brother. Okay. Because this is your little sister, I'm assuming, and this is your partner.

Tina Wilston:

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Both of whom have expectations of you. And someone's expectations are not being met at any given time. Yeah. And so that's where again having that clear line of communication. And as a brother, that's your role. Yeah. To make sure that it's clear to your partner and to your sister what the arrangement is here. And if it's not clear, then for sure you're going to see that lines are being crossed continuously.

Tina Wilston:

There's good news though.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Let's hear it.

Tina Wilston:

The good news is if anybody finds themselves in this situation, all is not lost.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Right.

Tina Wilston:

Because at any time, you can say, Hey, sis, I know we didn't talk about this before. Yeah. So I know you probably didn't realize. Like you go in soft with not accusations, all this kind of stuff, um, that that we wouldn't be okay with this. Because I'm assuming if you thought we wouldn't be okay with it, you wouldn't do it. So there was an assumption that we would be, and it wasn't communicated that we're not. And it can look like moving forward, we're not okay with people in past this time. We're not okay with you using our car, we'd like some contribution, whatever. You have that communication, and then you say, and if that's not okay with you, that's that's totally fine. That's reasonable. We didn't talk about this in advanced lesson learned. We should talk about this in advance next time. But but if we if you can't at least like stick to these things, we might have to have you leave early. So it doesn't have to be, I think that's what people do, right? Is they don't have that that original communication. Right. And then they get stuck in like you did this thing that was bad, which gives me the right to kick you out. When the reality is I should have just been more clear in the first place, but I don't want to take responsibility for that.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Yeah.

Tina Wilston:

So make you the bad guy. Right.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

So you think he's like partially the a-hole then for not having that like in-between conversation?

Tina Wilston:

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Because it's almost like he went from zero to a hundred.

Tina Wilston:

Yeah, like super permissive, do whatever you want. And then you cross these magic like magical lines that she didn't know she was crossing, and then you're like, get out. Right.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

It's like, whoa, can we have a conversation?

Tina Wilston:

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

No, I get that.

Tina Wilston:

People forget that part sometimes. They actually talk about it. They get angry. You can't use, but you have to get into that actual, real, compassionate spot towards the other person. You don't, you can't pretend it. You yeah, that conversation will go well if you go, I really think you didn't, you weren't trying to hurt me. You weren't trying to do that.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Like just trying to see the best in people, right? I try on my TR. But it's like you have to be able to like, okay, ask yourself like, are there any possible other ways of looking at this situation? Right? Is it possible that this is not intentional on her part, that I was not clear? And I think that that's that's a really good point. Like, if you come in with that compassionate lens, it changes the direction of what the solution could look like versus being like, nope, she has to leave and leave now. Yeah. We haven't even had a conversation about this yet.

Tina Wilston:

And the the ramifications on the relationship moving forward after like that can that can ruin families long term and so unnecessarily, because in a lot of ways the damage is already done. We can't get in a time machine and her not have those friends over or not use the car. So like focusing on I can't believe you did this, I can't believe you did that, and get into right fighting of like you should have known better, and she'll be like, Well, you should have told me. You know what I mean? Like it's just it doesn't get us anywhere. Nope. At that point, yeah. So good news.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Yeah, there's hope. There is hope. There's a way out of this. So yeah, so partially.

Tina Wilston:

Yeah. Okay. Next one. Um, the parent who cancels their own birthday plan for child's friend party. I, 41 female, had planned a weekend getaway with a few friends from my birthday. Sounds like fun. Something I took, uh, I look forward to every year. My daughter, 10-year-old female, was also supposed to go to a friend's birthday party on the same weekend. Her friend's parents booked a fun activity and it's kind of a big deal. My partner said, You should do your thing. I'll handle the daughter's party. I packed and got ready, but on the morning, um, the daughter said she was disappointed and started crying. You promised we'd have fun together for my birthday, too. She looked genuinely upset. My partner then leaned on me. Maybe you should stay home. The kids feel the kid feels left out. I canceled my trip and stayed home. My friends are upset. I bailed last minute. My daughter says she appreciated it, but later told me you always pick your friends over me. I feel squeezed. Am I the a-hole for giving up my birthday weekend to stay home? Or um would I have been reasonable to go and say you'll be fine to my kid and I'm just gonna go away for my my birthday weekend. My birthday weekend.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Who uh that's a tough one.

Tina Wilston:

I feel like this is a common one. Just in like parents, like the mom guild. The mom guild. Yeah. I really love, I just want to point out our love partner was like, no, you go, girl, you go have a good birthday. I'll take care of the kid birthday. Especially because it's not the daughter's birthday, it's her friend's birthday. But it's a big deal birthday, and I guess she wants her mom there. Yeah, at the party with her. Well, it seems like too, she's like, I thought you and I were gonna have fun for your birthday together, you and with your friend, but you're going with your friends. So I think that's the core of it than anything. Yeah.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

I get that. Yeah, I do. I get that. I um I don't know that she's the a-hole on this for giving up the birthday weekend to stay home.

Tina Wilston:

I know I get that because I'm she's an a-hole either way. The problem is she's an a-hole to someone either way.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Someone's gonna be happy. You're dad if you do, dad if you don't.

Tina Wilston:

Yeah, yeah. That's true. That feels like a mother situation.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

That's such a that's so hard. It is. That's so hard. And I feel like I don't know, for me, I think it's it would be important to make sure that my daughter felt supported. Yeah. Like I think I think I would prioritize that. Yeah. I think just because again, of like just stages of life that they're in and attachment and like what this means. But then I would try to find a way to balance it. Even if I showed up at the getaway a little bit later in that evening and say the one night instead of the whole weekend, like I would try to find a way to balance it. And I don't know if that was an option for her or if she had to, if it was all or nothing. Yeah. She felt like she had to cancel it. But then again, like, was there a miscommunication at some point? Because this weekend was booked. You had to plan it to a certain extent for your friends to know that you're going away for it to be in the calendar. And so what happened that they didn't know that you were going away that weekend for your birthday. Yeah. Um, and perhaps that's what happened, right? Where it's like, if this was well communicated, then perhaps I would have had an outing with my daughter the Friday before I left or earlier in the week, or we would have had a plan in place. And so, in some ways, could this have been prevented? Possibly. Yeah. But I think, like you were saying, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. And that's that's the mom guilt piece sometimes that is hard to shake.

Tina Wilston:

I'm also wondering what was communicated to the friends is the reason why. Because for if I'm the friend, right? And my friends committed to it, we're excited that she's gonna be there, and we have this whole weekend plan has been planned in advance. And then it sounds like at the last minute, she's like, no, I can't come because of my daughter's friend's birthday party. I'd be like, I'm sorry. For what?

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

What?

Tina Wilston:

So I'm wondering if that because I'm not even sure what the relevance of that piece of it is. So if that if it was focused on that, I would also be confused and be like, you do not value our friendship if that's what you're choosing. But if she had said, my daughter has told me she feels generally I choose my friends over her, and she had expected and wanted to spend my birthday with me. And and basically it sounds like daughters, like, I want you to want to spend your birthday with me. Yeah, I want you to choose me. I want you to choose me. But was unfortunate in the kids, like, I get it. They they don't always understand that, like uh for Mother's Day, for example. I often go away for Mother's Day, the weekend of I'm away Friday, Saturday, and I come home Sunday, and then I spend Mother's Day with my family. And they're always like, Why do you always go away for Mother's Day? I'm like, Because I need resting. What's the like mothers actually want a day off? If if I think about when my kids were really little and my husband's like, what do you want from Mother's Day? I'm like, I want to have to do nothing. I want nobody to have any expectations, wants, needs, or desires from me that I have to meet. Right. That can look like a thousand different things, and I don't even care what it is, but that's all I want. And I get it that kids don't understand, especially a 10-year-old doesn't get to necessarily understand. Yeah, that it's not like it's not that I don't want to be with you, but I I want to focus on the thing. I need that moment of rest.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

And yeah, just being able to rejuvenate and show up for you the way they need me to show up for you. And again, it's how it's communicated. Yeah. Right. Because can that feel like a rejection if it's not communicated properly? Yeah. But then again, with what you do, it's I still spend the actual day with you. Yeah. And so that sends a different message versus like I need to spend the entire day waiting.

Tina Wilston:

Right. Come back after you've gone to bed.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Can you imagine? So that feels different, right? And so again, it's it's the balancing act. How do I balance this so that you know that your needs are met? You know that you're important to me, you know that uh I prioritize you, but I also know that my needs are important and that I can prioritize what my needs are. And yeah, it takes communication and takes planning. And I think when something is misaligned in that, then we end up in situations where these competing priorities are like at the forefront and we're having to make decisions.

Tina Wilston:

And it's hard to assess from the information that we have on is the child um have they experienced this a lot and they've seen it a lot, and this is a rep repetitive thing.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

This is behavior that they're always exposed to, which yeah, from what she's saying, it's like you always choose your friends over me, right? Yeah.

Tina Wilston:

But or is it I'm taking this one moment and painting all other moments with the same paintbrush, but that's not actually accurate? Because kids can do that sometimes. That that's our feeling in the moment, and then they're picking, they're cherry-picking certain things from the past. And mom could probably go, Do you know how many times that's true? Do you know the things I've given up, the things I have not done, that just to spend time with you and do stuff with you. So that that's a bit of a tough one too, because sometimes you can be trying to get the right balance, but the other person is like, that's not the right one. I need you 100% of the time, whenever I want you, whenever I need you.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

And that's the only thing that that meets my needs. Yeah. So again, managing their expectations or having them manage their own expectations versus like all or nothing ink.

Tina Wilston:

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Yeah.

Tina Wilston:

I definitely would have looked at this and go, okay, from now on, four birthdays, we'll make sure that there is a family birthday celebration and that whatever I plan for my birthday with friends, I maybe offset that a week or so so that she feels like you get my the actual, and then my celebration can really happen anytime. Because we're adults here. I really feel like we don't need to be like, it's my birthday today, and I can only celebrate it today.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

We're adults. That shouldn't be a thing. Yeah, there's flexibility in that. Yeah. Like, I need to blow my cake gut on my actual birthday. No, there's flexibility in that. Yeah, I hope so. There should, yeah. Hopefully, there is. We can only hope at this point. Yeah. Okay. So the thermostat war. Yes. So work from home edition. So I, 28-year-old female, work remotely full-time in our two-bedroom apartment. My partner, 29-year-old male, uses our second bedroom as a hobby creative space. Sometimes Cole works there. I like the temperature around 20 degrees Celsius during work hours because it helps me to focus. He likes it warmer, about 24 degrees Celsius. That's a big difference. Oh my gosh. Oh my goodness. It's uncomfortably hot. Anyways, he likes it that way. Okay. Especially when doing creative stuff or video calls. One Monday, I came home or I came into the living room work area and set the thermostat at 20 degrees. He changed it to 24, saying he can't concentrate in a freezing room. I asked him to talk to me about it and we could compromise. For example, whether it's using headphones or space heaters or a schedule. He said he shouldn't have to adjust because I'm the one who chooses to work from home. He still pays half of the rent and wants comfortable conditions. We both ended up raising our voices and now he's refusing to co uh to cooperate unless I agree to his temperature. I feel like the bulk of his work hours should get the priority. He feels equal rights in the same space. So my the A-hole for insisting that the thermostat stays at 20 degrees during my work hours. This isn't I am concerned about these people's relationships. There are bigger things going on here than the temperature on the thermostat.

Tina Wilston:

Yeah. It's funny because this reminds me of the like the fight of the socks on the floor is never about the socks on the floor. It's always about something deeper because this is super concerned. First of all, the rigidity is super concerning in the sense of even like I refuse to cooperate unless you agree to what I want. Then what are you then gonna cooperate with? What does that even mean? That's not cooperation.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

We're going with that.

Tina Wilston:

Yes, yes. You know what this makes me think of? Sometimes people will say things like, you never listen to me, right? And I think that they some that sometimes people confuse the concept of you never listen to me and you don't do what I say when I say it. Right. And then they fail to see that when you tell someone if it's you're not doing what I want, the other person can equally say you don't listen to me then. It's it's like they fail to be able to see the other side of it. And and both she, I don't know, there's been no talk at all about and oh no, she, I think she said, like, can we compromise? But she didn't say about a temperature.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Right. It's just about the timing of the temperature. The time bring it to 22 degrees. It's more of like, do we want to go on a schedule or do we want to have headphones or space features?

Tina Wilston:

She's definitely sounds like she's trying to be like, how can we both be comfortable when we're using the space? And I don't understand why he cares whether it's 20 degrees when she's in the space and he's in the space, anyways, right? Like he's at work. No, it seems like like they share the space, but not necessarily at the same time. Right. I don't I don't think that's but if it is at the same time, one of the things is that it is easier to warm yourself up in a cold environment than it is to cool down in a hot environment.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

That's a good point. And so is she then the one to be called because she's the one who wants it at 20 degrees during her work hours and who wants warmer. Um and so again, that's where her compromise comes into play, right? Like the space heater and other options that he can use in that space when he needs it.

Tina Wilston:

He does make an interesting point. Like if you don't like it, you can work from the office. You don't have to work from home. If the let's say they are trying to use the space at the same time.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Yeah, I think again, it's again, it's one of those things where we're talking about this and arguing about this, but it's more of like, are there moments where I feel like my needs are not being met? Right. Are there there's no flexibility? And this is an example.

Tina Wilston:

There's a no attempt to compromise. I'm digging my heels in and becoming completely obstinate. Cause like, even to say I'm not gonna cooperate, like, is that just like I'm not gonna cooperate you with anything? Yeah. Until I get my way. Right. And what was her final thing for insisting that the thermostat stay at 20 degrees during my work hours? Because the other thing that's is interesting is that she's working and his is um hobby. Yeah. So that's that I mean, I think that is an interesting point. I found why did she he still pays half the rent and wants comfortable conditions? Um, you also pay the other half of the rent and also want comfortable conditions. So I'm kind of I'm kind of curious. Like I'm wondering if that was one of his arguments. I pay half the rent. I want to be comfortable. Right.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Because again, he co-works in that same space. So there might be times where they're both in there. Yeah. She might be working and he's doing his hobbies or his creative work. Right. And so how do we set that? And that's where again the compromise comes into play. Okay. Well, like space heater sounds like a good sit by your feet and let's call it a day. And you'll be all right.

Tina Wilston:

Yeah. Or like, let's not work in the space at the same time. So let's figure out. But I do understand, I get it. If it's creative work, it might not be like you're like, I want to do it when I have the creative flow, not like, oh, I can't get in there and I can't do it. But I would definitely be curious like, how do you guys solve any other issues? If this is like we're and man, four degrees, that's a big difference, actually. It's huge.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

It is, it's huge. And the fact that there's no flexibility and like coming to a compromise because what about 21 and 23? In the middle.

Tina Wilston:

You can be in the middle. Like there's literally a middle, right? I love a 21.5. I'm a big fan of 21.5, right?

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Exactly.

Tina Wilston:

So yeah, we're concerned about this couple, and they definitely need some of our service, some coaching, some therapy to definitely, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay, last one, the anniversary cake that was supposed to be special. Again, I think this one's a common one. My partner, a 35-year-old male, and I, 33-year-old female, had our 10th anniversary or have had our 10th anniversary coming up. I told him I really wanted a small celebration, a nice dinner, and a custom dessert, something meaningful. He said, Got it. Leave it to me. On the day, he brings home a generic store-bought cake, not decorated, not personalized, and says, I figured less fuss is better. Hope it's okay. Oh God. Poor guy. I was hurt because I dropped hints for months and budget wasn't a huge issue. I just wanted effort and thoughtfulness. The next day I said I was disappointed. He replied, it's just cake. You're making this into a big deal. Stop being ungrateful. Oh no. Oh no, this is doubling down on bad. Okay. I feel like my expectation was reasonable. He thinks I'm being dramatic and emphasizing material things. Am I the A-hole for telling him I'm upset and asking for at least an apology slash redo? Or should I have let it go?

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

I really like this one. Yeah. Definitely not the A-Hill for telling him that you're upset or asking for an apology. Um, and I don't think it's a matter of letting it go. I think just like the other scenarios, I think sometimes when we when we have certain requests or we're expressing what our needs are, we're wanting to know from our partner do my needs matter? Are you there for me? Am I important to you? And that might come across with a request for a cake to be a certain way. And it might just be the cake, but really I want to know like, am I important to you? Yeah. And so ultimately, I think sometimes when there isn't that awareness of like that, this is deeper than just the cake being decorated or this being an important cake. This is this is meaningful in a different way, allowing her to know how important she is to you in this moment. And sometimes when that is missed, it can feel like it does for this poster, right? Where it feels much deeper than it would have otherwise, where he's just like, What? Less is more. What do you mean?

Tina Wilston:

Yeah. Um it wasn't important to me.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Exactly. So it wasn't important to you. Yeah. It couldn't have been important if it wasn't important to me, right? But that that's the messaging that can leave the other person feeling dismissed or disregarded. Um, and that's where that's where she's at, right? In this situation here, where it's like, hey, my needs don't seem to matter to you because you completely fluffed it off and did what you felt you needed to do for you, yeah, without taking into consideration what was meaningful for me in this moment. And that could be a tough place to be.

Tina Wilston:

I agree. There's something else that stands out to me that I'm like, this is concerning. And it is how he said um, it's just cake, you're making a uh this into a big deal. Stop being ungrateful. Um, that he thinks the expectation was unreasonable and um being dramatic and emphasizing material things because her request was a small celebration, a nice dinner, and a custom dessert for a 10-year anniversary. I'm like, oh no. Right. H you your request is actually quite, I would say reasonable to minimal. Yeah. Right. It's a bit, it's a bit, I don't want to use the term gaslight, like gaslight light. Do you know what I mean? To to then actually go and call the person materialistic and focusing on the wrong things and all this kind of stuff when they just wanted to make it special in a very moderate, minimal, inexpensive, minimal way. Yeah. And then you can't even do that exactly bare minimum because it doesn't matter to you.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

That's the tough part, right? Like just because you don't find it to be significant doesn't mean that it's not to the other. That kind of goes back to the like love language things too, right? Like mine might be the gift and yours might not be gift, but if that's how I see it.

Tina Wilston:

He's like, I'm here, I'm I'm here. This is a cake. Yeah.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

But that doesn't equate what I needed. That doesn't tell me that my needs are met. That doesn't mean to me what you think it might mean to you. And so when there's that disconnect, it's it's gonna be hard for her to feel connected and appreciated and all the things that would have otherwise been there if her needs were met in that way.

Tina Wilston:

I'm wondering what's getting in the way of him too, to stop and go, I'm so sorry. Uh you know what? Those kinds of things, those kinds of details are not my thing, are important to me. But I missed making that connection that it was important to you. And yeah, redo, let's do that. Let's just go get another cake. Like, I'm what's getting in the way of it just being an easy, like, my bad. Yeah, redo. Let's let's get it, let's get us another. We'll enjoy it. Like, I don't know. Again, this doesn't have to be a big thing. No, it doesn't. If the reaction is just like, I didn't think of it that way.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

I feel like if that happened, there'd be less conflict in relationships. Yeah. We just like had that like emotional awareness. Yeah. Of like, oh wow, my bad. Like I did not, this is not how I intended for this. No, I don't want you to feel this way. Like this is not my this wasn't my intention or my goal. I don't want you to feel like you were dismissed or anything like that. But I feel like that's where a lot of folks are missing, right? That emotional awareness and um and understanding how my actions or inactions can leave the other person feeling.

Tina Wilston:

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

You know, because it's not just about us in terms of like, okay, how did this make me feel? I felt great. I felt helpless. Yeah, it was like I made a great dinner before we closed. Yeah. But it's more than that. It's about what does this say to the other person? What impact is this having on the other person? How are they feeling as a result of my actions or my inactions? Yeah. But when that's not taken into consideration, then we have these relationships that are constantly in conflict where it's like, he doesn't care about me and what I want doesn't matter to him. It's like, yeah, it shows up in these little ways.

Tina Wilston:

Absolutely. Because it's even telling that she asks herself the question Am I the problem that I'm upset with this? And I told him I was upset. Should I have just not said anything? Yeah. It makes me very curious about how safe she just feels to say, you disappointed me, you upset me. Because we want that safety in a relationship where it's like, I can tell you how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, even if it's hard and you don't want to hear it, because it's going to be met with an attempt to understand and not prove me wrong about why I shouldn't feel that way. Um, I think that's I think that's the thing that people have a hard time holding space for both. If I didn't mean to make you feel that way, and I don't want to feel blamed or attacked for making you feel that way. Well, like, do you know what I mean? It it's it's either or I either admit that I made a mistake and I'm the bad guy, or I don't, and somehow I'm not the bad guy or bad person.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

That's where intention comes into play, right? Like you know what your intentions were. And so I feel like when you're aware of your intentions, it's you own it differently versus feeling as if like I'm being seen as a bad person, but it's like, well, no, that wasn't my intention. So we'll communicate that to her.

Tina Wilston:

Yeah. Right?

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Let her know that. But sometimes it's hard to get to that place. And like you said, the idea of like even vulnerability like, can I share this with you without feeling as if you're gonna attack me? And is it safe to say this? Or are you gonna personalize it?

Tina Wilston:

Are you gonna get mad at me? But I'd be worried what this would even say about the future. Like, if I can't tell you I'm upset about this thing and I need an apology about it, like, can you imagine the much bigger things in life? Like, well, I'm just gonna swallow this and not bring it up because they're gonna get so defensive, they're just gonna attack me, they're gonna tell me I'm being materialistic. So I guess I'll just like they forgot my birthday, but I'm just not gonna say anything. Cause like, I mean, I'm surprised that they made it to 10 years.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Yeah. Like with this. Yeah. That's uh somebody is whether she's been suppressing and just pushing through, or I don't know.

Tina Wilston:

Because it's not what he did. What he did originally, like it was just that's not the like that's something that you can get past really easily. It's not the big problem in this, it's how he reacted to her saying it's like you're ungrateful.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

It's like how do I become ungrateful?

Tina Wilston:

Right?

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Yeah, for having these expectations.

Tina Wilston:

And but also like, what kind of gratitude do you want for that low effort? I mean, also asking for a lot, right?

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

But here we are, yeah. Yeah. So, no, I do not think that you, ma'am, are the a-hole for telling him that you're upset.

Tina Wilston:

No, we should always express our emotions, we should always tell people how we're feeling, but in ways, again, we have talked before about delivery and communication, and like there is a way to deliver that that can be easier to hear, which is like, hun, I really love you. I really enjoyed our celebration, it was really lovely. The only thing is, like just moving forward, just so you know, because there was one thing that she said, dropping hints.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

No, no, no, just like assume.

Tina Wilston:

No, drop hints. We're not doing that. No, we openly communicate just so you know it's really, really important to me that this detail gets taken care of. Are you okay with that? Are we on the same page? Does that make sense to you? Like, you know, and all of that. And if he's like, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and then he comes with the cake, then if you like, different conversation. Were you listening or were you just yesing me? Do you remember the conversation? Yeah, right. But like, no drop hints.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

Yeah, I mean, let's be clear.

Tina Wilston:

But still, even if you did drop hints and because she did have a direct conversation with him about it in fairness, but yeah, his reaction. So that was not helpful. That's it.

Michelle Massunken (Antwi):

That's it for our scenarios. Um, and that's fun. I think it's important to have these conversations, right? Yeah. So if you're out there listening and you would like us to go over some of your scenarios uh or any ideas, please feel free to email us at media at the mindspot.ca. We would love to hear from you. Thank you again for tuning in to another episode of the MindSpa podcast.

Tina Wilston:

So that wraps up today's episode of the MindSpa podcast. I hope you enjoyed it. And please remember to reach out to us at media at the mindspot.ca. I hope you enjoyed the episode.

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