S2 · Ep 9: AITA Scenarios — Boundaries, Conflict, And Everyday Relationships | The MindSpa Podcast

In this episode of The MindSpa Podcast, Tina Wilston and Michelle Massunken explore a series of everyday dilemmas through a grounded, psychological lens, focusing on communication, boundaries, and emotional dynamics in relationships.

What You’ll Hear In This Episode

Scenario 1: When Therapy Language Becomes A Power Struggle
Someone says they are “too dysregulated” to talk, and the conversation shifts from disagreement to disconnection. Tina and Michelle explore how therapy-informed language can either support emotional regulation or escalate conflict, and how small shifts—especially using “I” statements, can help keep conversations within the window of tolerance without turning a partner into a client.

Scenario 2: Weddings, Boundaries, And The “No Kids” Dilemma
A closer look at the tension that can arise around wedding expectations. The conversation explores how to navigate boundaries like a “no kids” rule while maintaining important relationships, and why flexibility and context—especially with close family—can matter more than rigid rules.

Scenario 3: Navigating No Contact With One Parent While Maintaining Another Relationship
Tina and Michelle unpack the complexity of setting boundaries with a manipulative parent while still wanting a relationship with the other. They explore how control can show up in family dynamics, and why maintaining connection sometimes requires thoughtful, private boundaries.

Scenario 4: Burnout, Mental Health Days, And Workplace Resentment
A discussion on workplace culture, burnout, and the tension that can arise when employees take mental health days. This scenario reframes the issue by examining how systemic pressures—not individuals—often contribute to resentment and imbalance within teams.

About This Episode

This episode reflects on how everyday situations can surface deeper emotional patterns, and how communication, boundaries, and self-awareness can support healthier relationships across personal and professional contexts. 

The MindSpa Podcast

Thoughtful conversations about mental health, relationships, identity, healing, grounded in clinical expertise and steady human insight.

Hosts

Tina Wilston, M.Ed., Registered Psychotherapist 

Co-Owner, MindSpa Mental Health Centre

LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook

Michelle Massunken, MSW, RSW

Co-Owner, MindSpa Mental Health Centre

LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook

MindSpa Mental Health Centre

Ottawa - Kanata & Gloucester

themindspa.ca

LinkedIn, instagram

Listen on

Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Amazon Music | YouTube

Transcript

Welcome And The AITA Format

Tina Wilston 0:03

Hey, welcome back to today's episode of The MindSpa Podcast. We have me and Michelle here today, luckily, talking about our Am I the A-Hole post, my favourite episodes. So we're gonna start out with the first one. Am I the A-Hole for telling my husband he is too dysregulated to talk during a fight. I, 35-year-old female, have been in therapy for a few years, and it's honestly helped me a lot. I used to get really reactive, and now I try to stay calm and communicate better. My husband, 37-year-old male, says it's made me insufferable. Last week we were arguing about finances and he started raising his voice. I said, I'm not going to engage when things are escalated. We can talk when we're both regulated. He got really upset and said, I talk like a robot and that I treat him like a client. He also said I use therapy language to avoid real conversations. I don't think that's fair. I'm literally trying not to yell. Now he keeps saying, I've changed too much and he misses the old me. So am I the a-hole?

Michelle Massunken 1:08

What are your thoughts? I wouldn't say she's the a-hole. Okay. But I do think it's important for us to recognize when we have done our own work. That doesn't necessarily mean that everyone else has done their own work. Good point. And I think that's what's going on here, right? Like just because you have been in therapy for a long period of time, you have learned the importance of communication and regulating your emotions. And you're at a different place and space when it comes to how you communicate doesn't mean that he's there yet. Yeah. And so how do I, in my communication skills, meet him where he's at? Yeah. I think that's making it more effective versus assuming that just because I've done the work, you're supposed to come along with me and you know, we speak at the same level, we speak about the same things with the same level of regulation. That's not always the case. Yeah. And that can be frustrating for everybody, for him and for you. So I think it's are you the a-hole? I wouldn't say per se. However, there's some little flavors. Just in terms of like just going at this in like a fair way. Yeah. You know, that's my thought. What do you think?

Tina Wilston 2:14

I I I tend to agree with you. I mean, what came forward for me is um we teach people how to regulate themselves and how to communicate for themselves, but not how to actually instruct other people how to act. Right. So there was this sort of element. I think if she had actually said, I'm going to step away from this conversation because I'm feeling dysregulated. I don't see this conversation going in the right direction. Can we take some time apart, calm down a little bit and come back to this? I think that probably would have been received better than you are too dysregulated for this conversation. You need to calm down. Yeah. You're the problem in this. I think that probably was the biggest. If I were to think about like, if I'm on the receiving end of that, what would be the part that bothers me the most? And I think that that's actually number one, I think there is a number of people that sometimes come to therapy thinking that that's what they're gonna be able to accomplish, is how can I come to therapy and change other people? And they can take what we're saying to them and then instruct other people that that's how they need to change or what they need to do. And I don't think that's ever gonna go well.

Michelle Massunken 3:29

And that's not the goal either. No, right? I think they don't realize that though. Like, oh, I'm here for somebody else, or I'm here to you know be the instructor. But that's not the goal. I think it's it's really real, and that I think with the finger pointing and the you statements, that also speaks to more work that possibly has to be done in therapy in terms of how do I even communicate the needs versus the I statements that you were talking about. So I think recognizing like I'm not here to instruct them. We're always going to interact with people who don't have the skills to regulate their emotions. And sometimes that's what makes the conflict what it is, is that I might have done the work and I know how to regulate my emotions. Um, but it might be the other person who hasn't done the work yet. And I think being able to accept that is going to be a very important part when you do have people in your circle that you interact with on a regular basis, right? Just because you've done it doesn't mean that they have as well too.

Tina Wilston 4:20

So which can make it harder. I actually saw a post once that said, like, I'm basically undateable now because I've done so much of my own work, I can't handle somebody else. And I was like, it kind of funny. I thought it was funny.

Michelle Massunken 4:34

But that's true. And that's the thing. Like, I think DBT talks a lot about it, right? Sometimes what's what are the barriers that get in the way of emotion regulation? Sometimes it's not you, but it's the other person who hasn't done that done their own work and they don't know how to regulate their emotions. And so it makes it difficult because you're you're trying, but you're like going through mud at this point. Like it's frustrating. So I think it's it's coming to realize that just because I've done it doesn't mean that they've done their work either. Yeah. But how do I meet them where they're at? Yeah. So that we can still have an effective conversation.

Tina Wilston 5:04

What came to mind for me for that too is defensiveness. So one of the quickest uh uh, I guess, derailers of a conversation is if either party gets defensive. And part of the art of having a difficult conversation is learning how not to hit people's defense mechanisms because the second you hit it, that conversation's going nowhere good. Um, and so that is why we talk about I statements versus you statements, because a quick way to hit a defense mechanism is you always, you never, you need to, all that kind of stuff. So I think it it definitely a good message of like it's true, we're not gonna also we need to have this conversation in the window of affect tolerance. We need to be calm, we need to be regulated to have a good conversation. But also, uh, how do how do we do that effectively? And it's not hitting defense mechanisms.

Michelle Massunken 5:57

No, and I always look at like the boxing like as an analogy, right? If I'm boxing and I'm punching and I'm punching you, you're gonna defend yourself, but then you're gonna punch me back. You're not just gonna defend yourself, you're gonna attack back. Yeah, and we do that. Whenever we feel like we're being attacked, we punch back.

Tina Wilston 6:14

I haven't used that one before.

Michelle Massunken 6:19

We punch back with our words, we punch back and hitting them where it hurts. And we just, you know, the idea of like hurt people, hurt people out of control. Yeah, absolutely, right? And so it makes sense when you when it if he's responding that way, he probably feels attacked. Yeah. And so he's defending himself, but also now attacking you. And again, like you said, it doesn't go anywhere good. No, it only escalates. No.

Tina Wilston 6:39

So not the a-hole, but some work to do. Yeah, I would say that maybe some couples therapy, I don't know.

Michelle Massunken 6:44

Some communication skills, building. I don't know, something's gotta be done for sure. Yeah, yeah.

Tina Wilston 6:49

Can you read our next one for us?

Michelle Massunken 6:51

So am I the a-hole for refusing to let my sister bring her kids to the wedding, even if it means she won't come. I, 32-year-old female, I'm getting married this summer, and we decided on a no kids wedding pretty early on. My sister, 34-year-old female, has three kids under the age of eight and says she can't come unless they're invited. I offered to help pay for child care or find someone she trusts, but she says she is not comfortable leaving them. Now, she's saying that I'm excluding her and her family. My parents are also pressuring me to just make an exception because she is your sister. I feel like if I do that, it's unfair to everyone else who respected the rules. But at the same time, I don't want my sister to miss my wedding. Am I the a-hole?

Tina Wilston 7:47

You know what I find so interesting about these posts, especially wedding posts, is how frequently people are like, I can't make this exception for my family member because then everybody else will be upset. I'm like, again, I actually don't think that that's true. I think most guests would expect rules to be potentially different for family members than for the rest of the guests. Definitely. Considering we're always talking numbers. And if it's something that affects the numbers, then if my even if I have four siblings, the impact on the overall number of people that will be at the wedding would be minimal compared to saying everybody can bring their kids or everybody can bring a plus one and that type of stuff. So number one, I just find that weird that that's their it seems like a weak argument for depending on your sibling, like making a so that was the first thing that came to my mind about that.

Michelle Massunken 8:39

Like it's your sister, it's your sister.

Tina Wilston 8:41

There is exceptions. Yeah. They're family.

Michelle Massunken 8:45

Yes.

Tina Wilston 8:46

That is very different, hugely different than having everybody bring it's not the same thing. Any kid, any age, kind of thing.

Michelle Massunken 8:53

It's not the same thing. So I'm struggling on this. Yeah, me too. I think she gives me like a whole vibes. I mean, I mean, it's you have to give your sister that exception to the rule, right? And I think I would think so. Yeah. I think it's I get the idea of not having kids at the wedding, but the kids are also your family members too. And so you would want them to celebrate in this union with you. Yeah. And I always think like look at this beyond this moment, beyond this wedding day. When you and you're just the rest of your life. The rest of your life. When you and your spouse are even celebrating your 10th year anniversary or your 20th anniversary, your 25th anniversary, chances are you're gonna have your sister there over any of the other guests that were there, you know. And so when you think of the longevity of the relationship and what it means to even just have that support in place, I would definitely, I would see there being some flexibility to the rules. Um I can get, I get though, that kids are disruptive and that they might, you know, um disrupt the environment, but I think it's mitigating that. Bring some coloring books, an iPad, like bring someone to watch the kids at the wedding.

Tina Wilston 10:03

Exactly. Kind of thing. So where the parent can feel comfortable. I always wonder, too, if like how frequently this kind of thing happens, and then the person in question has their own kids, and then they're faced with a similar dilemma on the other side. Because I also think that like sometimes you know, but you know how there's some people that before they have kids are like, my dog is like my baby, and you're like, I get that, but also only because you don't have an actual baby can you say that?

Michelle Massunken 10:31

So for now, sure.

Tina Wilston 10:32

Right. Yeah, but also, so I do wonder a little bit for the people that are making those decisions, particularly when it comes to kids, how would you feel if that was you? Yeah, including the extra cost that that can involve, like people who travel and then they need to get a larger hotel, but cause they don't can't leave their kids behind, but now I need I'm in a different city or I'm, you know, exactly some stranger is gonna watch my kids.

Michelle Massunken 10:56

Yeah. I don't know. I I think that's a good point. Like I feel like even just thinking of my own wedding, I know I had a no kids rule at the wedding, but it was exceptions for family. Right. But even if it was a friend who had like an infant or a baby or a newborn, I would have still made exceptions for them. Yeah. Because they're sleeping most of the time.

Tina Wilston 11:13

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 11:13

Right. They're not disruptive in the same way. Whereas sometimes I feel like it could be reversed where they're like no children at all, regardless of the age. I think it depends on the age. There has to be some exceptions to it.

Tina Wilston 11:24

And I would I would have the conversation that could sound like during the ceremony in particular, if your child becomes disruptive, please remove. Right. Like that to me, I did that a million times. Exactly. Bringing my kids places, you just don't don't let them be disruptive. Yeah. I don't know.

Michelle Massunken 11:42

It's tough when you're just so tunnel vision and focus on like your wedding and the details and the perfection of everything. That becomes sort of like you don't want anything to disrupt that, you know, without thinking of what does this look like long term or even years from now. But I think it's important to have some flexibility and recognize like having your nieces and nephew there under the age of eight, you'll be all right.

Tina Wilston 12:02

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 12:02

Yeah.

Tina Wilston 12:03

Yeah. Yeah. And then the parents, the the situation that that puts the parents in as well, of like, who do you support? You might be able to understand both children's point of view, but then you're creating this dynamic in the family too of side taking. And I don't know. I just can't see it being worth it, to be honest.

Michelle Massunken 12:20

No, me neither.

Tina Wilston 12:21

And if it was a cost issue, I think I'd be like, mom, dad.

Michelle Massunken 12:24

Exactly. Pay it. I'm sure the sister wouldn't mind paying it either. Like it's I think that's there's some flexibility there that's not being explored. Yeah. It's not like as black and white of like, no, they can't come where they can come. It's like we can have them there, but we can also have a plan in place while they're there.

Tina Wilston 12:39

Definitely sounds like some inflexibility on both sides. So in fairness, but I do find like again, sometimes when you dig in, it actually encourages the other person to dig in. It can be, if you ever feel like you're hitting up against a wall against someone, it's always good to ask yourself, have I been flexible? Or am I actually the wall? I'm bumping up against my own wall that I'm creating.

Michelle Massunken 13:00

And I guess when you think of like what creates that flexibility, I think it's experience when you understand it more, right? Even the uh the sister, right? If you understand what it's like being a bride, who is stressed out and who's overwhelmed, or the sister who understands what it's like to be a mother of three little and what it feels like to have to navigate child care and blind to be there for your sister. I think when you understand or you're able to empathize with the other person, or at least put yourself in their position, it allows it to be more flexibility versus being as rigid, only looking at it from your perspective.

Tina Wilston 13:32

I wonder a little bit, there is a lot of culture around like it's the bride's day, you know? And and I think that that can kind of create some people believing everybody is being the a-hole unless they're doing exactly what I want because it's my day.

Michelle Massunken 13:47

Yeah. Yeah. And that's what, yeah. So the bride even saying the tone of like you being flexible and how you're seeing it. And we all want to celebrate with you, but there has to be some sort of like flexibility in that.

No Contact With Mom Still See Dad

Tina Wilston 13:59

Yeah. Agreed. All right. Next one. Am I the a-hole for cutting off my mom but still secretly seeing my dad behind her back? I, 29-year-old female, went no contact with my mom about a year ago because of a long history of manipulation and guilt tripping. My dad still lives with her and seeing him separately. Am I able for cutting off my mom but still secretly seeing my dad behind her back? I 29-year-old female have no contact with my mom for about a year because of a long history of manipulation and guilt tripping. Am I able for cutting connections? I, 29-year-old female, went no contact with my mom about a year ago because of a long history of manipulation and guilt-tripping. My dad still lives with her and I've been seeing him separately. Coffee, quick visits, etc. My mom recently found out and is furious. She says I'm being disrespectful and dividing the family. She also said if I cut her off, I should cut him off too. I don't think that's fair. My relationship with my dad is separate from my relationship with her. Now she's telling extended family that I'm trying to turn him against her. Am I the a hole? This is a genuine. I want to say going to the city. I want to say it's actually not something we see a lot. I'd say there's more times that I see where I'm like, that could be a good idea before I ever see it where it's happening, and I'm like, oh, that's not warranted. Right. So you see more of like that resetting versus like extremely no contact. Yeah, or a need for those things. But very few people are willing to go like no contact. Even when you look at the reach, you know, this would probably be warranted. Very few people. So we don't actually I won't say that we see this a lot. But what are her thoughts? What are your initial thoughts on that?

Michelle Massunken 16:19

Yeah, I don’t think that she is the a-hole in this situation. I think she's really just protecting herself based on what she just said about her mom.

Tina Wilston 16:28

Yeah. Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 16:29

And I think that she also values still having a parental figure in her life. And so she's nurturing and cultivating that relationship with her dad, which I think is extremely important. Yeah. I would assume that the time that she says that her dad is focused on them and their relationship versus like from what mom says, trying to pull him away from her.

Tina Wilston 16:47

Right.

Michelle Massunken 16:48

Um and so I think if that's the main focus of the strength of the relationship she has with her dad and her extended family, that's an important piece in all of this. I wouldn't say that she's the a-hole in that.

Tina Wilston 16:59

Yeah. I just found it interesting that there's that expectation from mom that, like, because you're not talking to me, you should not be talking to him. I think that that I'm trying to think of any scenario where that would actually be valid. Yeah. To say, well, because you're not. Actually, I would say the one that I would see valid is if you're not going to talk to me, you don't get access to my children.

Michelle Massunken 17:23

Yes.

Tina Wilston 17:24

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 17:24

That's probably the like a separation or divorce situation.

Tina Wilston 17:27

Yeah. Where it's like, you can't, you can't try to have a relationship with my kids if you're not going to repair whatever damage there is with our relationship. Yeah. Uh, but outside of that, it's sort of like you can cut off one relationship, not another. I don't think that you're you have to do that. I think that even just the accusation of you're turning him against me. Yeah. One of my one of the things that you can notice with manipulative people is they often get mad at other people who tell the truth about them.

Michelle Massunken 17:56

Yeah.

Tina Wilston 17:57

And my thought is always if you're behaving in such a way that when people speak the truth about you, you're upset. You should probably check your behavior. You might be the a-hole. That tells us something.

Michelle Massunken 18:09

Yeah. And that's what we're seeing with mom, right? Like she, I think the daughter is really trying to have a relationship with her dad, which is separate from her relationship with her mom. But yet that's triggering her based on what she might assume they're talking about or what's coming up in those relationships. But I think that it's important for her to do that. There's no reason for her to cut or to go no contact with her dad.

Tina Wilston 18:28

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 18:28

There probably went a lot of thought went into her decision to do that with her mom. Like you said, people don't wake up and just do that. No. And so for her to have made that decision, um, sure. I can only assume that a lot of thought and consideration has gone into it. Um, and for her to be able to still maintain her relationship with her dad, there's probably something she's getting out of it. Right. It's it must be a healthy relationship or a secure relationship where she feels like she wants to maintain.

Tina Wilston 18:54

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 18:55

But I think it's uh I think it's an important decision that she made. I don't think that she's the AO for that decision.

Tina Wilston 19:01

There is a piece of it we haven't talked about though. They did it behind mom's back. Oh, right. I wonder, I've first of all, we can't know, but I'd be very curious what would have been different if they hadn't actually done it behind her back. All the context of the story so far makes me sort of imagine there's a reason.

Michelle Massunken 19:24

Yeah.

Tina Wilston 19:25

That if mom is manipulative, if mom is a bit has some toxic traits, I can imagine it felt like I won't be able to keep a relationship with my dad if mom knows, and therefore my only way to keep a relationship with dad is by not telling her. So I don't want to jump right to it's inappropriate not to tell mom. Because I think there could be a valid reason for not to tell you.

Michelle Massunken 19:46

I think they know her enough to know that this is probably the best way for us to go about this. Yeah. I think that they probably talked about it. Should we, should we not? And they probably came to the decision that it's probably best for us not to tell her. Yeah. Especially because it probably puts dad in a tough position. Yeah. Because he values, clearly he values the relationship, both mom and his daughter. Yeah. And he wants to be able to maintain that relationship with both mom and his daughter. And so it might be for his best interest. I mean, I think the daughter has nothing to lose because she's already gone no contact, anyways. Yeah. So it's likely for his best interest that we just don't tell her, I want to still be able to see you and I want to still be able to connect with you, but I also don't want to ruffle any feathers at home.

Tina Wilston 20:29

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 20:29

And so let's figure this out perhaps at some time our point they might share with her. But I think they probably know her enough to know that this is the best way to go about it.

Tina Wilston 20:37

Yeah. Well, I mean, as soon as she found out, I but I this is the thing, right? She did find out, right? Okay. So, but I think that that can explain why she's upset. You she does have a some ground to stand on to be like, well, you guys lied. Obviously, lying happened in order for this to happen. But then she says, also, but if you cut off relationship with me, you must cut it off with him. So that they knew that that's how she was gonna would not have been okay with it. But even the idea, I think that if we zoom that out, is it ever appropriate to tell other people what what relationships they're allowed to have? Based on that that's just not that's just not a good idea.

Michelle Massunken 21:16

That's not that yeah, that's not how you like you don't decide that. No, you don't decide what relationships she's allowed to maintain just because it's not one that she's maintained with you. I think she can decide that for herself, yeah. Which is what she's doing, even for her husband, right? It's important for him to decide what relationships he wants to maintain. Yeah. Especially if it's not causing any disruption to her. Yeah. I think it's more around it's between the two of them, the father and the daughter. But as anything.

Tina Wilston 21:43

Can you imagine? Can you imagine being like, well, if you're not talking to me, you're not allowed to talk to let's say the rest of your family or your father, that type of stuff? Like, I just can't, I can't imagine wanting to isolate my child that way. Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 21:57

I mean, there has to be more going on for mom. You know what I mean? Like to get to set that kind of boundary in place of like this is what the rules are. I mean, yeah. That doesn't happen, like in what world, right? It's like that's not a Fair ask.

Tina Wilston 22:11

Yeah. It's not a people hurt people. We would definitely, if we were, if we were seeing this in the session, we'd be like, what happened to mom? And nine times out of ten when we ask that question, they're like, Oh my grandma. Exactly.

Michelle Massunken 22:23

And you're like, there's always more to it. Yeah. There's always more to it. Yeah, you don't just wake up with that sort of like request or ask. You know, because you know the value that people place on relationships. Yeah. And parent relationships. And parent relationships are even accepted. Like, you know that that's an important piece in all of this. And so to make that decision, I mean it definitely will be coming from a place of hurt, but it's not a fair one to make.

Tina Wilston 22:47

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 22:48

And so I can see why the daughter would be going behind dad a mom's back or why dad will be even going behind mom's back to make that relationship work.

Tina Wilston 22:55

Yeah. Yeah. I hope they get to keep their relationship. I hope so too. That'd be very sad if she doesn't get to keep a relationship with her dad because of all that. I hope so too.

Mental Health Days And Workplace Burnout

Michelle Massunken 23:04

I mean, they've done it before secretly, so yeah.

Tina Wilston 23:08

You wouldn't be the a-hole to go back to them.

Michelle Massunken 23:10

Exactly. Figure out a way. Amazing. Awesome. Okay. So am I the a-hole for complaining to my boss that my coworkers' mental health days are screwing the rest of us over? I, 31-year-old female, work in a small office where we're already stretched thin. One of my coworkers has been taking a lot of mental health days, like at least once a week lately. When she's off, the rest of us have to cover her workload. So I genuinely believe that mental health matters. But it's getting frustrating because there's backup and there's no one else who gets that kind of flexibility other than her. So I brought this up to my manager and they said that I basically said that it feels unfair. Now my coworker somehow found out and is upset, saying I'm invalidating her struggles. I do feel bad, but we're all burning out. Am I the a-hole?

Tina Wilston 24:19

You know what's really funny is the just the statement of like you're invalidating, you're invalidating me reminded me of the first post of like using therapy talk to like kind of get your way. Um, this is the this is a hard one just because there is, you can see both sides, right? You can understand that if this policy is in place, we know all the different reasons why someone might need to actually reduce their their work to four days a week and not five days a week to protect their own mental health. But but it sounds like the workplace isn't necessarily doing the right thing to actually protect the rest of the staff from finding themselves maybe even in the same position as this other, this other coworker. I I think it's the workplace that's the a-hole here.

Michelle Massunken 25:07

I like that. That's a good point. That's a good point. Because if they're not putting measures in place to ensure that this coworker can be off on mental health days and not have it impact the other colleagues, then we're gonna find ourselves in the same situation again with the other colleagues as well, too, right? But how do we yeah, I think that's a good point. I mean, I think it's yeah, that is a challenge. Because it's not really the colleague who's taking the time off of work that's the a-hole. I mean, they're basing it on where they're at. They're having a hard time, if they need to be off of work, they're gonna do what they need to do, which we commend them for. I mean encourage that.

Tina Wilston 25:46

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 25:47

Um, but at what cost, right? Is it impacting the other coworkers? That's when obviously they could become resentful, like could feel like it's unfair. Yeah, because they're having to take on or pick up the remaining work of the other colleague.

Tina Wilston 25:58

Because why is it in place for that person? They said very specifically it's not in place for them, and there's no avenue to get extra support in there to help with the workload. They're just expected to take on the other person's workload. Yeah. That is a recipe for creating resentment across the people. Yeah. And neither one of them are the decision makers about it. You know what I mean?

Michelle Massunken 26:22

So they're not responsible to figure out no.

Tina Wilston 26:26

But I think that, and this is where it can, this is where it can be really challenging for the the worker who made the complaint. It's a lot easier to make a complaint, kind of positioning the coworker as the problem versus the workplace. Right? If they'd come to say the thing I'm frustrated with is actually how you're not properly supporting us while you're properly supporting her. And that's the thing that I want to complain about. And I think the other person who's taking the time off wouldn't have actually been upset with that conversation. They'd be like, that's true. I feel bad that they have to take on my workload. I don't want them to like resent me because of that. So, yes, workplace, please do what you can so that they actually don't resent me for this. Exactly. But I would think that most people would struggle to have that conversation with the workplace.

Michelle Massunken 27:14

They find it easier to point fingers at the coworker who's away and who's taking care of themselves and to actually look at what is the system that's in place and how does the system not really encourage us to be able to do what we need to do whenever we're feeling burnt out. Yeah.

Tina Wilston 27:28

Yeah. I think this is uh one of the scenarios that always like upsets me the most is when everybody's attention is focused at the wrong their anger and is focused at the wrong target. And then that actually creates a dynamic that there's no solution. Because you can't solve it if you're targeting the wrong source of the problem. Then you see people quit their jobs, you see people burn out, you see uh workplaces losing good people and not ever realizing, oh it's me. I'm the problem. If I had switched that, this would actually be different. Yeah. But they have no vested interest, unfortunately, either of being like, wait, guys, don't worry. I think it's me. We're we're gonna change it on our end.

Michelle Massunken 28:13

Uh the employer. The employer. Yeah. Yeah. I'm the problem. I'll I'll fix this. Yeah, that's what no, I agree with that. But that's I think that's exactly it. It's sometimes we spend so much time not looking at what the actual root cause is, what the actual problem is. And that just breeds frustration, which is what the poster is saying. Like, I'm feeling frustrated and this is unfair. And it's like, okay, well, maybe we need to have a conversation around like what exactly is the problem. Yeah. And how do we go to find those solutions versus it being um the colleague or the coworker?

Final Takeaways And Goodbye

Tina Wilston 28:43

Yeah. Right. So if the poster is listening, go back to your workplace and tell them they're the problem. Exactly. Go to your coworker and be like, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to position you as the problem.

Michelle Massunken 28:52

Yeah.

Tina Wilston 28:52

I actually just think we just need more support if you're not going to be here. And and that's okay.

Michelle Massunken 28:57

It's not on the co it's not on the employees to figure that piece out. No. Yeah.

Tina Wilston 29:01

All right. Yeah. Well, thank you for tuning in to this episode of The Mind Spa Podcast. Mm-hmm.