Episode 17 Rooted & Recovered - When You Miss Who You Used to Be

No one talks about it, but it’s real. That ache… that whisper…
 “I miss who I used to be.”

You don’t miss the chaos.
 You don’t miss the brokenness.
 But maybe… just maybe… you miss the boldness, the numbness, the version of you that didn’t feel everything so deeply.

In this raw and unfiltered episode of Rooted & Recovered, Dan dives deep into one of the hardest truths of recovery: you will grieve the old you. And that doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.

This is the grief no one warned you about. Not just the pain of addiction, but the disorientation of healing. When you finally feel again—really feel—it doesn’t always feel like a miracle. It feels like war.

Key Highlights:

• What if the old you wasn’t evil—just exhausted?
• Why grief is part of growth—and why you don’t have to go back to grieve.
• The numbness you miss was never strength—it was survival mode.
• Recovery isn’t just detox—it’s identity reconstruction.
• You’re not returning to who you were—you’re becoming who God always saw in you.

Scriptures Covered:
Ephesians 4:22–24 • Romans 6:6 • 2 Corinthians 5:17 • Galatians 2:20 • Philippians 3:13–14

Final Truth:
You can miss who you were without going back to them.
Let the tears come. Let the grief breathe. But then walk forward. You’re not called to resurrect the past—you’re called to walk in the new. And this version of you—the healing, growing, wide-awake version? That’s the version hell is terrified of.

Transcript

0:00

This world doesn't hand out healing. It offers quick fixes, cheap pies and empty promises, but real recovery, it takes roots. Roots that dig deep into truth, into identity, into the unshakeable grace of God. We're not here to sugarcoat the struggle. We've lived it. Addiction, shame, relapse, regret, but we've also seen resurrection. We've seen what has. Happens when broken people get anchored in something real rooted and recovered is more than a podcast. It's a battleground for the soul. A place where scars tell stories, where scripture speaks louder than shame, where freedom isn't just a word. It's a war we win daily. So if you're tired of surface level answers, if you want truth that convicts, hope that heals, and conversations that cut through the noise, you're in the right place. Welcome to Rooted and Recovered.

Dan: 1:09

Welcome to another episode of Rooted and Recovered. I'm your host, Dan Pyles, so thankful to have you join me today on this wonderful journey that we get to call recovery, and I could not think of a better group of people to share this time with than you. So thank you so very much for allowing me into your ear, into your car, into your home, your computer. Wherever you're listening to this episode today, thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you guys. We've got a powerful episode today. I really hope that you're enjoying season two. Uh, guys, because these are powerful and it's things that we struggle with every single day on a daily basis. I don't care if you've been serving God for five minutes, five years, 15 years or 50 years. There's times in our lives when we feel inadequate. There's times in our lives where. We feel that we just don't add up to God's goodness and his grace. But as we have studied throughout season two, we have found out that his mercies are new. Every single morning that our scars in life tell and share the story of who we used to be and how we o have overcome. And today's podcast episode is something that I struggle with. Early in my recovery. And I'm sure if you're honest with yourself, this is something that you have struggled with too. Maybe you're struggling with it right now. Uh, so hopefully I pray that the, that this podcast falls on the right ear, on the right person that needs to hear this. Maybe it's not you, but maybe you got a friend or a, a family or relative or something that is struggling, right? Now with what we're gonna talk about today, share this podcast episode with it. Get it into their hands, guys, because you might be carrying the message that might change that individual's life. It's nothing I've said. It's nothing I've done. It's nothing you've said or have done, but it's being a willing vessel to allow God. To use us as instruments and resources to reach those, uh, who are so desperately hurting and lost. Today's title of our podcast is when you miss who you used to be. So let's talk about something that most people in recovery don't say out loud. Sometimes you miss who you used to be. Now, before you twist my words and before you're like, Dan, what in the world? Are you talking about? I'm not talking about the chaos. I'm not talking about the pain. I'm not talking about the overdose scars or the broken relationships or, or that prison of addiction, but maybe just maybe. You missed the version of you that felt fearless, the one who didn't care what anyone thought, the one who numbed the pain so well, that you almost believed you were invincible and now. Now you're feeling everything, your recovery, you're in sobriety and you're, you're starting to get your senses back about you. Now you're starting to feel everything, every emotion, every mistake, every awkward silence in your soul. You see, sobriety brought you clarity, but sometimes family clarity hurts. Why? Because it exposes you. Clarity makes you vulnerable, and if you're honest, there are days where you wonder if numbness was easier. Why? Because this version of you, this, this healing, raw, emotional, wide awake version of you. Feels like a stranger sometimes, but hear me, what you lost in numbness, family. You gained in depth what you laid down in recklessness. You picked up in realness. Maybe you missed the boldness of the old J, but what if that boldness was just brokenness in disguise? What if God isn't asking you to forget who you were? But to redeem who you were. See, because your story isn't erased, family, it's being rewritten. So if today you feel like you're caught between the person you were and the person you're becoming, then guess what? Family welcome. You're in the messy middle where Grace does its deepest work. In this episode, this moment, it isn't about shame for what you feel. It's about remembering that even in the longing, God is still leading. Nobody tells you this in those early days of getting clean. The that you might grieve the old you and not just the broken, chaotic rock bottom version of yourself. You grieve the person you used to be before. Life hits so hard, you miss the version of you that could fake confidence. You miss that numbness that kept you from feeling so much. You miss not second guessing everything. You miss the fire in your life, even if it was destructive. You see, that's the part that nobody warned you about. They told you that addiction would steal your life. They told you that recovery would give it back, but what they didn't tell you is that healing would come with grief. You see in addiction, you had a role family, you had a mask, you had a rhythm, even if it was toxic. But now in recovery, everything is new. You don't know how to act. You don't know how to relate. You don't know how to cope. Even your silence feels different now. Why? Because before silence was numbed, but now it's loud. Before emotions were buried. Now they rise up in you like a flood. You see, we thought that healing would feel peaceful, but sometimes family healing feels like chaos because you're finally feeling again. I can remember very early in my recovery, I, I'm talking early family. I was so numb for so many years that I did not know how to feel emotions. And I can just remember sitting on the couch one day and I can just remember these, just getting these anxious thoughts and, and these feelings of, I don't know. And I, I just, it was freaking me out guys. I was literally freaked out and I told my wife like, I have no idea what's going on with my body. And she looked at me and she said, Dan, you're feeling what it's like to be a human being again? And she's absolutely right, family. I went 14 years of numbing my brain and my body with just dope and just things to, to dis to get away from this that I was so numb to the fact that I didn't know what emotions was. I didn't know what, uh, what anxiety felt like or what sadness or grief or anything like that felt like because I was numbing my body. But now in recovery. Now it's loud and, and my emotions that were once buried are now coming in like a flood in my life. And see, it was in that space. Family. This is where we gotta be careful because we will start missing the person that we were. Missing who you were is human, but becoming who you were made to be. Family that's holy. Let that sink in for just a moment. Family, you're not wrong for remembering the old you. You're not less spiritual for occasionally longing for how easy it seemed to be before, but family, you are not going back because the old version of you was living a lie. Even if that lie was comfortable, Let's get really honest here. Family, you lost some things in recovery, the ability to escape at will, that fake confidence that came from those chemicals we were pouring into our body. That false sense of control, that numbness that made you feel invincible, but look at what you've gained. You have gained in recovery the ability to feel deeply, the capacity to love and be loved without walls and a heart that can grieve, heal, and grow family. The integrity to face pain instead of fleeing from it, the spiritual strength to stand in the middle of the storm instead of trying to escape them. Family. That's not weakness, that's maturity, that's transformation. This is what the Bible tells us. Our our scripture focus today is in Ephesians chapter four, and it's verses 22 through 24. Listen to what Paul says. He says, you were taught with regard to your former way of life to put off your old self. Which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires to be made new in the attitude of your minds and to put on the new self created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness family. This isn't just a suggestion, it's an invitation to put off the old self, not just your sin. Family, but your survival mode, not just your habits, but your identity that was shaped by pain and trauma and addiction, and put on something better family, righteousness, holiness, peace, stability you put on a new self because the old one was never truly you, family. It was a reaction to what broke you. See, you're gonna have days when the old you starts to whisper. You were stronger when you didn't care. You were happier when you were high. See, you were more confident when you had no boundaries. Family, those are lies. Lies from the enemy lies that are all rooted in temporary comfort. Not eternal truth. You see that voice family that doesn't want to restore you. It wants to return you to your old bondage. But Grace says family, Hey, we don't go back to Egypt. We move forward even when it's hard. You see, the enemy family wants you and I to romanticize about our past. It's crazy when you think about this. It's crazy how the enemy will try to make you miss your dysfunction. He'll make you forget the jail cell and remember the freedom he'll make you forget about the broken relationships, but remember the thrill he'll make you forget about the self hatred. Remember the adrenaline that you used to get from this, but that's what deception does. But God reminds you, you are not who you used to be Your calling isn't behind you. That old version of you, that one who used to manipulate to survive, that one who knew how to lie to everyone, including yourself. That one who felt tough because you couldn't feel anything. That version is gone. It's been crucified and it's been buried. And now family, you have been raised into something new, not just recovered. Family, you're reborn. You don't need to resurrect your old self. You need to walk in the new, you see here, family. Here's a few tools. You can use when that old self starts creeping back up into your thoughts. Number one, you need to name the lie. Call out. What's false. Say it out loud. I'm not more powerful. Numb, I, I'm more broken. And begin to speak that truth over yourself. Go back to Ephesians four, our scripture, focus today and remind yourself of who you are in Christ. Write down who you were then versus who you are now, but more importantly, family. Talk to someone. Don't isolate. Talk to your sponsor, your mentor, a pastor, or some type of accountability partner in your life, family. You're not crazy for feeling this way. You're just healing. And sometimes family. To be brutally honest with you, healing is messy. But God, this is so awesome family. God does his best work in the mess. I want you to take 15 minutes today and do this. Write a letter to your old self. I know this sounds cheesy, but listen to me. It will work. If you will apply it. Take 15 minutes today and do this. Write a letter to your old self. Thank them for surviving. Forgive them for the damage, and then release them because you are not. That person anymore. You are becoming someone better There's something sacred about grieving the person you used to be. And I'm not talking about glorifying your past. I'm not talking about sugarcoating the pain, but acknowledging that who you were even in the mess. Was a version of you that survived and sometimes the parts of that old self still tug at our identity. Sometimes that part of you that could just shut it all off when things got difficult. That part of you that didn't care what anyone thought, that part, that felt fearless. Even sometimes if we're honest with ourselves, family, when it was reckless, that version that got things done, that version that didn't cry, that version that didn't need help. But what if those weren't strengths? Family, but just survival mechanisms? What would happen if you grieved? Without going back. You see some of us were never taught how to grieve without returning. We either bury the past and pretend it didn't happen, or we let the pool of the past drag us back in. But grief and return family are not the same thing. You see. You can feel sorrow for who you were. Without resurrecting them, you can honor the strength it took to survive because some, some of us, if we're real, some of us should not even be here today. Some of us should not be even be listening to this podcast, but the grace of God that you and I are still standing here. So what if we can honor the strength it took to survive that addiction or that breakup or, or that, that suicide attempt without readopting the behavior that broke us to begin with. You see, you could, you can miss pieces of the old you while still saying, I want what God is building in me now. Family. That's what maturity looks like. That's what healing feels like. Not running from the old self, not running back to it either, but letting God redeem it. Think about this. What if the old you wasn't a mistake, but a foundation that God is building on? I'm talking about every scar, every flaw. Every failure becomes a brick in the story God is telling through you. See, you don't have to pretend that the old version of you, the old you never existed. You just have to stop giving it the final word. And here's the truth, if you only miss who you used to be. You'll stay stuck in nostalgia, but if you let God show you who you're becoming family, you'll step into freedom. So let the tears come if they need to. Let the memory surface, if they must, but don't camp out there. Don't pitch your tent in trauma, grieve it, learn from it, and then grow past it. Family, it's okay to miss who you were. Just don't forget who you are becoming family. You were never meant to stay in survival mode. You and I were made to walk in purpose and every time the old you tries to take the mic, just remind yourself I am becoming, I am growing. I am not who I used to be and that. Is the grace of God and family. As we get ready to wrap this episode up today, I want you to remember healing. It's hard family. It's messy. It is not easy, it's not pretty, and it's not always inspirational. Sometimes it's just messy. It's gut-wrenching and it's lonely work, and some days. Becoming new doesn't feel like a miracle. It feels like an ongoing, everyday battle. You're doing the right things, you're saying the right prayers, you're walking the right path, and you're still wondering why it feels harder now than it did when you were numb to everything. But hear this, you weren't called to be who you used to be. You were called to become who God always saw in you, even when you were buried under shame. Even when you were buried under addiction. Even when you were buried under survival mode. Family, you don't have to hate the old you, but you do have to outgrow them. You don't have to pretend you weren't tough back then, but now you're walking in truth. That takes a different kind of strength. This is the part that nobody talks about. Missing who you were doesn't mean you're going backwards. It means you're human. It means you're grieving, but it doesn't mean you're supposed to return because what God is building in you now is so much stronger, so much deeper, so much freer, and far more powerful than what you had back then. so when those flashbacks hit, when you feel the tug of your old identity, when you wonder if the old you was somehow better, somehow easier, somehow mour in control. Once you go look in the mirror, look at the healing, look at the freedom. Look how far grace has carried you, then speak this truth over yourself. I miss who I was. I love who I'm becoming. You're not done yet. You're not defeated and you're definitely not disqualified. You are in the middle of becoming, and this version of you, the one that's healing, growing, stretching, and becoming is the version family that hell is terrified of. You're not just surviving anymore, you're stepping in who you are always meant to be. So until next time, family, stay rooted, stay recovered, and let's get to work.

23:46

You are not just surviving. You are becoming, becoming rooted in truth, becoming recovered by grace, and becoming the person God always knew you could be. Thanks for joining us on Rooted in Recovered. If this episode stirred something in you, don't keep it to yourself. Share it, live it, let it take root. We'll see you next time right here where scars become testimonies and hope rises from the ashes.