Your Calm Parenting Path

52. Parenting with more Self Compassion, with Dr Jen Ferris

• Nina Visic • Episode 52

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Parenting can feel incredibly heavy sometimes - especially when we’re carrying guilt, self-doubt, and the pressure to “get it right.” In this episode, Nina is joined by Dr. Jen Ferris to talk about what self-compassion really looks like in everyday parenting and why learning to be a little kinder to ourselves can have such a powerful impact on family life.

Dr. Jen shares her own parenting experiences, the challenges that led her to explore self-compassion more deeply, and practical ways parents can begin supporting themselves through the hard moments.


You’ll Learn

  • What self-compassion actually means in parenting 
  • Why so many parents struggle with guilt and self-criticism 
  • How self-compassion can help reduce reactivity and overwhelm 
  • Why being kinder to yourself benefits your children too 
  • Small ways to start practicing self-compassion every day


Why This Episode Matters
So many parents feel like they should be coping better than they are. This conversation is an important reminder that parenting is hard, that you’re not alone, and that supporting yourself matters too. Self-compassion for parents isn’t about lowering your standards - it’s about creating enough space to keep showing up with care and connection, even on difficult days.


Small Shift for Big Impact
Jen’s small shift for this week is to practise putting your hand on your heart, taking a couple of deep breaths, and asking yourself, “What do I need right now?”

Try it first in a calm moment, when things aren’t stressful. This helps it become more familiar, so it’s easier to access when parenting feels overwhelming. Then, when a hard moment does come, you have a gentle way to reconnect with yourself and respond with a little more care.

 

Take the Next Step
If this episode resonated with you, I’d love to invite you to connect with me over on Instagram or join my mailing list for more mindful parenting support and practical tools.

 

Links and Resources


Let’s Connect

Want more support? Follow Nina on Instagram, or sign up for tips and updates at mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au.

Have a question or parenting challenge you'd like addressed on the podcast? Send a DM or an email.


About the Hosts

Nina is a mindful parenting coach, educator, and mum passionate about helping overwhelmed parents move from reactive parenting to calmer, more connected family relationships. Through practical strategies, mindfulness, and compassionate support, she helps parents break generational patterns and create the kind of home life they truly want for their families.

On Your Calm Parenting Path, Nina shares relatable stories, expert conversations, and simple tools that help parents feel more confident and less alone in the everyday challenges of raising children. Her approach is warm, realistic, and grounded in the belief that small shifts can create a big impact.

 

Dr. Jen Ferris is a writer, former child development professor, and mum of two teenagers. Through her work, she explores the very real pressures parents face and the emotional load that can come with trying to “get parenting right” all the time.

After experiencing her own struggles with overwhelm, guilt, and self-doubt in motherhood, Jen became passionate about helping parents approach themselves with more compassion and understanding. Her book, Parenting with Self-Compassion, offers practical, gentle support for parents who want to care for their children without losing themselves in the process.


Parenting with More Self-Compassion

 

This transcript was created using TurboScribe. It has been copied and pasted but not proofread or edited, so it may contain errors or inaccuracies.

You're listening to Your Calm Parenting Path. I'm your host, Nina, a mindful parenting coach and mum. Here to help you go from overwhelmed and reactive to calm, confident and connected with your kids.

 

This show is for parents who want to raise their children with more patience, less stress and a whole lot more joy. Because small shifts make a big impact and you can build the parenting life you've always wanted. If you want to see what I'm up to, follow me on Instagram at mindfulparentinglifestyle and don't forget to hit follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode.

 

Let's get started. Hello, lovely listener and welcome back to Your Calm Parenting Path. Today on the podcast, I'm joined by Dr. Jen Ferris.

 

Jen is a writer, former child development professor and author of Parenting with Self-Compassion. Through her work, she explores the very real pressure many parents feel to get everything right and why it can be so easy to fall into self-doubt, guilt and the feeling that we should be coping better than we are. In this episode, we're going to be talking about self-compassion, what it really means in the context of parenting, why it can feel so hard to practice and how learning to be a little kinder to ourselves can make a big difference in family life.

 

Dr. Jen, welcome to the show. It's great to have you here. Thank you so much for having me, Nina.

 

So, Jen, just to start with, could you tell us a little bit about yourself, what you do and the work that you're doing? Well, yeah, as you said, I was a child development professor for many years. I worked with children of all ages before that and I'm a mom of two. They're teenagers now.

 

And yeah, when I took a break from teaching, I started writing and it led me to this parenting book. Fantastic. So you were a child development professor before writing and before becoming an author.

 

What led you to focus on self-compassion in particular? Yeah, well, you know, I became a parent and I thought it would be super easy. And it was so much harder than I could have ever imagined it being. I had these expectations, you know, it's a piece of cake.

 

But yeah, you know, the sleep deprivation, the hormone changes, like no time to yourself. There were times where it was really lonely and overwhelming for me. And as I mentioned, you know, my kids are teenagers now.

 

I took a break from teaching and started to write. And as I wrote those little stories of my worst parenting moments, I realized that it was self-compassion that was what helped me the most in those tough times. And so I wanted to share that with other parents.

 

Yeah. And look, I read your book, Parenting with Self-Compassion, before our interview. And I have to say there were so many great tips, but also so many relatable tips.

 

I was nodding along in so many of your stories just thinking, oh, yes, I've been there. And I think that feeling of not being alone and of knowing that, you know, even child development professors still struggle with the same stuff that everyone else does. And we're not alone in our struggles.

 

So I really am grateful that you've written this book for these new mums or, you know, not even new mums, mums that might be into their teenage years, for them to be able to feel not so alone and that we're all in this kind of this fight together to be parents, to be the best parent that we can be. So thank you so much for doing that. I will put a link in the show notes for anybody that wants to grab your book because I highly recommend it.

 

So for parents who might not be familiar with the term, how do you explain self-compassion in a simple, real-life way? I know it can kind of sound woo-woo, right? That like, oh, you're being indulgent or you're being really easy on yourself. But that isn't it. Self-compassion is treating yourself with the same kindness and care that you would give to your best friend.

 

And it's made up of three parts. So first there's the self-kindness, which is the warmth. It's the, you know, I'm going to be okay.

 

I'm here for you. The mindfulness, being aware of and accepting of how you're feeling in that moment. It's okay to feel angry, to feel upset or overwhelmed.

 

And then the common humanity, knowing that you aren't the only one going through this. Like you mentioned, you know, all parents have tough times, you're not alone. When my oldest was a baby and I was like in it and my husband came home and I just handed her to him, went in the bathroom, locked the door and just cried hysterically because I was so overwhelmed and so isolated.

 

And my self-talk was like, it's hopeless. It's never going to get any better. And when I use the self-compassion, then I can have these thoughts of like, I'm so sorry that it's this hard right now.

 

You know, it's okay to feel overwhelmed. Most parents have hard times. Like you said, you're not alone.

 

And then over time that starts to get internalized and I start to notice how I'm feeling in the moment and why, and then I can have kindness for myself for feeling that way. And then I can remember like I'm not alone and there's other parents out there going through this too. And then I can take that breath.

 

And then, you know, it helps. And it helps me become a better parent because over time I'm calmer and less reactive. It's easier to be patient and present with my kids.

 

There's less conflict, stress and tension in the home. Instead of reacting on impulse when I'm frustrated, I can be curious and flexible, responding to my kids in a way that builds a better relationship. And, you know, when I admit to my mistakes and I treat myself gently, then my kids see that and they see that the world isn't going to end if they make a mistake and then they learn to be kind to themselves too.

 

Oh gosh, it's like win, win, win, win, win, win, win. You know, there's so many benefits to self-compassion. And all of those ones that you mentioned are ones that I can really relate to as well.

 

But I guess some parents, they find it hard to be kind to themselves. So what are some signs that a parent might be being really hard on themselves and they don't even notice it? Yeah. Well, one sign that you're being hard on yourself is your self-talk.

 

So, you know, you can try to listen to yourself talk and it can be hard. But if you make a mistake and you hear yourself say, that was horrible, you're a bad mom, like you're being too hard on yourself. You know, you don't deserve that.

 

You wouldn't say that to someone else, right? And sometimes family or friends might notice that you're being hard on yourself before you do. They'll hear you describe a situation, the wording that you use is tough on yourself, like I really messed up and I'm never going to get better at this. But being more mindful helps.

 

Like if you can notice that negative self-talk and over time start to replace it with more positive self-talk. What would I say to my good friend? Well, it sounds like it's really hard right now. It would be for anyone.

 

I'm here for you. You're a good mom. Before bed, you can think of like one to three things that you did right that day.

 

You know, like little moments that went really well. And that kind of helps change your brain too, right? Finding community is great. You know, parent and child groups, at the park, online, just to remind yourself like others are going through these tough times too.

 

And you can talk to your friends and family, reach out to a qualified therapist or a parent coach that you click with because changing your self-talk can be really hard. We learn this as children and it can really help to have someone there to help us get through that. But mindfulness is a great first step and that's why I love your podcast and the work that you do so much.

 

Yeah, thank you. Do you have a favorite mantra that you use or that you share with people to help them begin their kind of their positive self-talk or an affirmation, for example? Do you have anything? I have one of mine that I always say when I'm stressed out is it's not an emergency. And that really helps to calm me down and make me realize that it's okay to be late to something.

 

It doesn't make me a bad person. It's not an emergency. So do you have anything like that that you share with parents? Yeah.

 

I mean, you'll probably hear me repeat the things. Yeah. Yes.

 

Like it's temporary. It's not the end of the world. Like, you know, wherever you live, you kind of have the different terminology, right? But like, it's okay.

 

You're still a good mom. Everyone makes mistakes. You know, you know what I mean? Like they still love you.

 

You love them. And you talk about it's the connection that matters more. You know, we're not going to be perfect.

 

No one is perfect. It's going to be okay. Yeah.

 

Exactly. It's going to be fine. Yeah.

 

So do you have some examples of when you might have lost your mind with your kids? It's like you lose your patience, right, in real life. And for me, it was yelling. I would yell when I felt overwhelmed, overstimulated.

 

There was one time with my kids, they were arguing in the living room, and I was just like, ah, stop it, you know? I can relate to that. Yeah. So there was another adult, which was great, and I could take a parent timeout and just go into my bedroom, you know, have the lights off, close my eyes, lie down for a minute, take some deep breaths.

 

And, you know, you have to have that self-regulation before you're good to anyone, right? A hundred percent. And so after a few breaths, then I can say to myself, it's okay to make mistakes. I'm still a good mom, you know? And I started to calm down, and then I could think about what had happened out there and why.

 

And so then when I go back out, I can have a discussion with my kids, and I can say, you know, I was feeling angry because dot, dot, dot. You know, it's not okay for me to yell. Here's what I'm going to do differently next time.

 

And then I also wanted to ask my children, like, how are you feeling right now and what do you think happened? How can you do something differently next time too to get them thinking about and labeling their feelings and being aware of their actions and the effect that they had on someone else in the room and then ways that they can improve. We can't always take that full time out, right? So you talk a lot about the power of the pause. There was a time in my car.

 

I'm driving back. The kids are in the back seat. They're pinching.

 

They're hitting. One starts screaming, and now I can't drive. So I have to pull the car over and take a pause, right? Take a couple deep breaths really quick.

 

They know that this is weird. This doesn't happen. And so I say to myself, it's going to be all right.

 

This is temporary. Okay, now I can talk to them quickly and just kind of explain. It isn't okay to touch her body.

 

That hurts her. And then to the child who screamed, like, I understand why because you were in pain, but it's not safe for me to drive when they're screaming. And then when we're all a little bit calmer, then we can drive home and talk about it more there.

 

Yeah, and so everyone could say that you were taking the lead. You're taking that time to process, first of all, keeping them safe by not being stressed out while you're driving. But then, you know, the process that you're going through in your mind, you're also sharing that with them so that then they can see what you're going through and then talking about at home.

 

I love that example because kids fighting in the car is so common, and it's so frustrating when we try to drive. And I think that's really great to let parents know you can pull over, you can take a pause to be kind to yourself so you don't have to drive home in those conditions. So yeah, that's beautiful.

 

Absolutely. Yeah. Do you have any other examples, Dr. Jin? Well, you know, you talk a lot on your show about how the small shifts over time can create big results, right? Have a big impact.

 

And one small shift, you know, kind of related to self-compassion that I found is I put a hand on my heart and just take a couple of deep breaths and it like connects you more to your body. It actually brings down your heart rate and your blood pressure, which is crazy, but it does start to calm you down. So you can take some breaths.

 

And, you know, then I asked myself, what do I need right now? Because like as parents, we're going, going, going. We can get overwhelmed. We don't think about what we need.

 

And sometimes like I just need a second to go lie down if I can, you know, if it's possible. Right. Or I need to call a friend and get some support.

 

I need some help. You know, mindfulness moments and meditation are great, but those are kind of the two like tiny little action items that I would say put the hand on the heart and what do I need right now? And then it's suggested that whenever we make any small changes that we start in a calm environment because then it's going to be easier to use it when you are under stress, like a muscle memory. Yep.

 

Beautiful. So you're suggesting to do this process when it's a happy day. Everyone's fine.

 

Just put your hand on your heart and say, what do I need now? I do want that coffee. I do need that coffee. I need a cuddle.

 

You know, that kind of thing. And so practicing it before you get into those stressful moments can help to and also I guess helps to remember to do them as well if you've practiced it in a non-stressful environment. That's right.

 

Ah, love it. You beat me to asking you that question, so that's really good. I ask all my guests one small shift to recommend for parents.

 

So hand on your heart, ask yourself, what do I need right now? And I think really be authentic in your response, you know, not just I need them to stop talking or I need them to stop hitting, but what do you need right now, I guess. That's right. Yeah, digging deep into what you need.

 

Beautiful. Dr. Jen, this has been such a lovely conversation. Please share.

 

Where can people find your book, find you, and learn how to work with you if they wanted to? Yeah, so you can find me at drjenferris.com and at drjenferris on Instagram and other social media sites. You can find the book, Parenting with Self-Compassion, on Amazon and in more and more independent bookstores around. Yeah.

 

It's really great to have you on the show because the book is so good. Oh, thank you. I really do love your podcast so much.

 

Oh, thank you. And the work that you do, you really are inspiring. Oh, thank you.

 

Same, same. So, lovely listener, I hope that this episode has really helped to know that you're not alone and that self-compassion can make such a difference to the way that you present yourself and the way you talk to yourself and the way you show up as a parent. I look forward to seeing you again next week on your calm parenting path.

 

Thanks for listening to your calm parenting path. I am so glad you're here. And I hope this episode gave you something useful to take into your parenting journey.

 

If you'd like to dive deeper, sign up to my mailing list at mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au for more tips and insights or book a free chat to learn how we can work together. And don't forget to hit follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode. I look forward to speaking with you next time on your calm parenting path.

 Transcribed by TurboScribe.