Your Calm Parenting Path

58. Why Your Relationship Feels Different After Kids, with Caterina Smillie

• Nina Visic • Episode 58

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So many of us know that quiet drift that creeps in once kids arrive - less conversation, more logistics, less time for each other. Relationship and emotional wellness coach Caterina Smillie joins me to unpack why that disconnection happens, and the small ways couples find their way back to each other.

 

You'll Learn

  • Why even strong relationships start to drift after having kids
  • The difference between carrying the mental load and the emotional load
  • Why nitpicking small things is often about something bigger
  • How mum guilt can get in the way of your relationship
  • Why 10-20 minutes of real connection matters more than a big date night
  • A simple question about the part you play in your relationship

 

Why This Episode Matters

If you've ever felt like you and your partner are running a household together rather than connecting, this conversation will make you feel less alone in it. Caterina's approach is gentle, grounded, and doesn't ask you to add anything to your plate.

 

Small Shift for Big Impact

Caterina's small shift: respect one another, and reflect honestly on the part you each play in your relationship right now. She left us with one question: when was the last time you had a date?

 

Take the Next Step

If this question stays with you, Caterina's upcoming 3-hour workshop on navigating relationships through parenthood is a great next step, keep an eye on the links below for details. In the meantime, ask your partner (or yourself) when was the last time you had a date. Get this small shift started today.

 

Links and Resources

 

Let's Connect

Want more support? Follow Nina on Instagram or sign up for tips and updates at mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au.

Have a question or parenting challenge you'd like addressed on the podcast? Send a DM or an email.

 

About the Hosts

Nina Visic is a mindful parenting coach and the voice behind Your Calm Parenting Path, helping overwhelmed parents find more calm, connection and confidence at home through mindfulness and practical, everyday strategies. Drawing on her own experience raising three boys, and on the Mindful Parenting Framework developed by Hunter Clarke-Fields, Nina shares real tools for turning ordinary moments into connection, both with her kids and, as this episode explores, with her partner too.

Caterina Smillie is a relationship and emotional wellness coach, blended mum and grandmother who brings both lived experience and a compassionate, practical approach to supporting couples through the early years of parenting. Her own journey through a long and difficult relationship shaped the way she now helps parents navigate connection, communication and respect within their partnership, and she's currently releasing a three-hour workshop on exactly this.


Note: This transcript was created using Headliner. It has been copied and pasted but not proofread or edited, so it may contain errors or inaccuracies.


Nina: You're listening to your Calm Parenting Path. I'm your host, Nina, a mindful parenting coach and mum, here to help you go from overwhelmed and reactive to calm, confident and connected with your kids. This show is for parents who want to raise their children with more patience, less stress and a whole lot more joy, because small shifts make a big impact and you can build the parenting life you've always wanted. If you want to see what I'm up to, follow me on Instagram. Mindfulparentinglifestyle. And don't forget to hit, follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let's get started.

Nina: Welcome back, lovely listener. Today's episode is one I know so many of you will relate to, especially if you're in those early months or years of parenting where everything feels intense and a little bit overwhelming. We're talking about what happens to our relationships after becoming parents. Those emotional shifts, the disconnection that can quietly creep in, and why even the strongest couples can feel like they're drifting. I'm so grateful to be joined by Katerina Smiley, a relationship and emotional wellness coach.

Caterina: Mum.

Nina: Blended mum and grandma who brings both lived experience and a deeply compassionate approach to supporting couples through this stage. This is going to be a gentle, honest conversation about navigating relationships in the early years of parenthood and finding your way back to each other in small, meaningful ways. Katerina, thank you so much for joining me today. I'm so chuffed to have you here.

Caterina: I am really excited to be here and thank you for the invite.

Nina: You're welcome. Can you start just by sharing a little bit more about yourself and the work you do as a relationship and emotional wellness coach? What kind of led you into this space?

Caterina: I guess, to be honest, uh, and I'll only cover it very briefly. I came 23 year, abusive relationship, domestic violence. So I really got the experience of what a bad relationship looks like. And what I really, on um, reflection throughout the years, have really seen how that relationship has impacted my parenting and really discovering that I didn't know how to navigate my relationship during being a parent. And even more so, Nina, I was 17, so I even had youth against.

Nina: Yeah.

Caterina: Of how to navigate the relationship. You know, we, uh, really navigate our relationship by what we see, our parents, how they navigate. This is where a lot of the issue lies and it's not about blaming your parents, but it's about the realisation. And so that was the beginning of my journey. And then, uh, I got out of that relationship and really did a lot of work. On myself. At the time I was working in a construction industry and I was like the office mama that everybody would come to me with their concerns. So I wasn't aware at the time that I was already coaching. I was coaching guys with. They'd asked me about their relationship, uh, they'd asked me about parenting. And so that was. It just seemed like a natural transition. And then I got into my own relationship once again where I had to navigate being a blended mum. Um. Mhm. All of the lessons I'd had from the past relationship really came in quite handy when going into this one. So that's a little bit of my backstory and that's what led me into to doing coaching. And I'm really passionate about it. And I feel what's really. There's a missing gap in how to, you know, your relationship. Yeah, you can go to marriage counselling and you can go to parenting, but there's nothing that joins the two of actually how to combine, like, how do you keep your relationship connected while being a parent?

Nina: M. And I guess when. When a mum becomes a mum, the changes that she experiences personally, physically, mentally are so huge that you can come at them from a parenting point of view, but without incorporating the experience of the partner, whether a male or a female. It's a whole different picture, isn't it? And there's so many other little areas that can be focused on to help both of them get through that stage and build that relationship that will then inform their child's relationships moving forward. Right.

Caterina: Yes. I'm, um, going to share straight off the bat. One of the biggest hindrances I feel that is really affecting relationships is a bit of the old school programming that we've got where, you know, we're told kids come first. That's really quite deeply ingrained, particularly with mums. Yep. Now this isn't dismissing. I don't want to be misperceived. I absolutely

00:05:00

Caterina: am not saying that you just dump your children and they need you. Right. That's the thing. They need you. But what I'm saying is there's a lack of balance. M Where we're so busy focused as women, as mums, we're so busy nurturing our children that it sometimes comes at the cost and the detriment of nurturing our husband. Or pun. Right. What I mean by that is a lot of people say to me, but I'm not his or her mum. And um, I'm saying that's not what I'm asking you to do. I'm not Asking you to mother them. I'm asking you to nurture them like you used to. Yeah, that's the missing component. So I can see why us as mums, we do a lot of the nurturing and a lot of that comes back to we have the self doubt. There's so much going on with us, like you said, emotionally that we sometimes get torn. It's like we can't balance. It's about balance. But how do you do that when you're exhausted?

Nina: Yes, that was going to be one of my next questions was, you know, when couples move into that stage, you know, with sleep deprivation, the big life changes, losing you know who you are in a sense as well. What are some of those emotional shifts that tend to happen even in the strongest of relationships?

Caterina: There are the telltale signs and the first and foremost one is communication. Um, communication tends to change. It tends to either drop off and the only communication a lot people have is. You know how you hear the expression chin snagging? The old terminology used to be. Yeah, yeah. And as a bum we tend to start to nitpick the things that never used to bother us. That's one of the telltale signs. You know, the things that if they leave shoes somewhere before that it didn't bother you. And now all of a sudden you, I mean that's just one example.

Nina: Yeah.

Caterina: But you'll find that the communication is greatly impacted. You're going to bed at different times, the phone is coming in more, you're watching tv. And the most significant one is ask yourself when was the last time you spent quality time together?

Nina: Yeah.

Caterina: If that's not happening like it used to, then ask yourself why.

Nina: Mhm.

Caterina: You're exhausted. Absolutely. But these are all the starting, the unravelling as I call it.

Nina: Yeah.

Caterina: You can see, I feel like a

Nina: lot of the conversation as well is around logistics as opposed to that quality conversation. So absolutely you've got the nagging, but you've also got just managing the day to day logistics of life with a young one. And then it gets to the point that you might forget how to have a quality conversation without it being about the logistics or the nagging. Is that correct?

Caterina: Yeah. And it's a lot about, it's always about the kids. It's like you don't speak about you anymore.

Nina: Yeah.

Caterina: And that gets lost. Because as a mum, how many women say I'm just a mum. Yeah, because that's what we're feeling right in that moment. We're feeling m. We're just a mum. Um, and we're so much more. And you mentioned earlier about losing yourself and that is one of the telltale signs. A lot of times we both parties, not just one, but both stop going to the gym, stop going on their own. You know, all of those which are nurturing ourself and giving, giving back a bit of our identity. I. I did this thing years ago where I put caps out and I put labels on the caps and the caps were like, mum, your name, career. Because we're career women now. We do that. And I say, what cap do you feel you wear predominantly on a daily basis?

Nina: Wow.

Caterina: M. What one are you wearing? So what are you predominantly identifying? Yeah, most of them say mum.

Nina: Yeah.

Caterina: And then yourself, like you, Nina is the very last cat that gets looked at. And so, yes, we have the telltale signs of the disconnect, but a lot of it's M. They're great to have and I know we're going to go through this, but it's more about identifying why that's happening.

Nina: Yeah. So why do you think it's happening? What's the reason for that disconnection? Apart from the exhaustion? Why do we find it harder to relate to and nurture that relationship with our partner?

Caterina: Time. It's simple as time. What happens is go back to your relationship. Before children, your world and his world were revolved around each other basically. Yes, you had the external stuff, but your focus was you went to work, you come home and then you got to spend time together. So there was all of that time that you had. You'd have the communications and

00:10:00

Caterina: more importantly you'd make that a priority to have that time together. Yeah. M. That's most couples.

Nina: Yeah, definitely.

Caterina: What happens is, and this is a difference of the dynamics between the parents. I'm not going to say male, female, because we have, you know, both same sex couples. So partners, one is doing predominantly the mothering and one is doing the fathering, depending on the sex. And what I'm saying is one feels like they're no longer there. The priority of one person is all on the child and the other gets left aside. I'm, um, not saying this is for everybody. I'm just saying that's generally the way it works. One is predominantly the worker and you're both now. But there's just those difference in roles and so tight.

Nina: I feel like one takes on the mental load of what needs to be done and the other one doesn't counsel the emotional load. Yeah. So I think that's a big difference, isn't it?

Caterina: Yeah. And that's where we have conflict in communication. Because one is coming from just the analytical of what needs to be done, the mental load. They're going through the processes of all what needs to be done. And then you've got the other person that's going through the emotional load. What happens is there's this disconnect because each other isn't hearing each other. They're speaking basically different language, speaking about their emotional state. Um, one is speaking of mental state and they're not having the awareness to actually come together and realise the differences of their communication. So you're right. And sometimes one carries both loads.

Nina: Yeah.

Nina: That's hard.

Caterina: Yeah.

Nina: One thing that comes up a lot for me, and I try not to let it come up, but especially when my kids were young, is that whole thing of, I've had a harder day than you, my experience is harder than yours. How do you coach parents through that? Because I imagine that would come up a lot as well. Like, well, I've been at work all day. Well, I've been home with the baby. Well, I've cooked dinner. Well, I've cleaned the kitchen. Well, I've done this and I've. And I feel like that is something that would come up quite a lot.

Caterina: It does. And I describe that as tit for tat. When I say to them, so that's what happens when you're five. This is tit for tat. And what's happening is you're not respectfully listening to one another. You're comparing. This is comparison syndrome. M. It's not about what you do, it's not the tasks. It's about respecting each other's roles within the relationship. And this is where I always say, you know, ask yourself, why are you feeling you're doing more? What's missing that's making you feel that way? And if. If it's truth, because I always go, this is what you're feeling. It doesn't necessarily mean truth. Right.

Nina: Yeah.

Caterina: Because all your roles for me sound like they're all emotional roles. All the emotional roles. Your husband goes to work and he's doing all the mental load. Right. And if we go into. And I don't, I'll dive very quickly into it. At the end of the day, it's about respecting the differences in the roles that we play innately. Innately, whether women or men want to fight it or not. And natively, men are the providers and the protectors and the women are the nurturers and the caretakers. Right. That's innately mhm. I'm not saying it's not about being sexist. It's not about that. I just want to make sure no one misperceives me. Yeah, right. I need to be mindful. Right. So if that's the role of the men, they feel they're doing that role and yes, they absolutely need to contribute to the home. But I'm going to be very clear and this isn't for everyone generally, I'm going to say generally a lot of men pull back from supporting their partner because they feel like they can't do it. Right. Ooh, yes. Okay. Now I'm going to open a whole can of worms because I'm a woman, so I'm in this category. But this is about, as you know, Nina, everything the way that I work is about accountability. It's about self abuse. So you self reflect and be honest with yourself. A lot of times that's not really that easy to do when we don't like our truth.

Nina: Yeah, yeah.

Caterina: I'll speak from my perspective. So uh, I'm um, dobbing myself in. I remember that relationship and this is why I said about accountability. As much as it was a volatile relationship, I played a part in that. Right. And where I played a part in specifically, and this has been a theme and I can see it within myself as a mum, I felt that all the ways that I did things with my children was the right way to do it. Okay. Change the nappy, put the clothes on. That doesn't match

00:15:00

Caterina: that. So yeah, it's those little things. Right. They're little things for us. But I nitpicked over them.

Nina: Yeah.

Caterina: I said no, no, you don't do the nappy that way. You don't bath them that way. You don't do this this way, you don't do that this way. Right away that I was nitpicking continuously and then in a, in a headed discussion it was thrown at me like it doesn't matter what I do, it's never right.

Nina: Yeah.

Caterina: In a heated discussion now, I didn't know what I know now. They left the hint that that's what he was feeling. And I just, I mean that's rubbish.

Nina: That's.

Caterina: I dismissed. Right. And so women say to me, why doesn't he help more? So, so let's look at you, let's look at. And this doesn't excuse him not helping. That's not what I'm saying. Yeah, but it's about if someone is. If you were to be told you were doing things wrong, would you not just give up. Um, you. Yeah, yeah. You wouldn't do it. So if you can really become self aware of the things that your partner is doing and stop telling them they're wrong, you're going to get a lot more support. This is where I say, you know what, in the scheme of things, does it matter in a week from now if the baby is wearing a, um, matching clothes?

Nina: Absolutely not.

Caterina: No. Does it matter with whatever it is? Doesn't matter. And another question I asked you, and I asked myself was, who said the way I do things was right to begin with?

Nina: Yep.

Caterina: So I hope that answers your question for any women getting the support they need, perhaps. Mm. Take a moment to self reflect.

Nina: Yeah, I think that's really great. And I think having those questions, I might actually put them in the show notes. Some reflection questions that mums can think about after the episode and maybe do some journaling on is just thinking about those things and what kind of effect their actions are having and a part that their actions play in the whole thing. Thank you. That's gold.

Caterina: You're welcome.

Nina: Really appreciate it. Now, getting back to, um, the relationship, there can be a lot of pressure to stay connected, keep the spark alive. How can couples approach this session with a bit more compassion and less pressure on themselves?

Caterina: Look, I feel it's about making little bursts of time. They don't have to be extended time. Like, I'll give you an example. I've got a lot of clients that don't have a network around them, so they don't have anyone to look after babies. And they're like, cap, how am I going to do the homework of having a date? Um, and I said, we overthink things and we think we've got to go for dinner and we've got to do all this fancy stuff. So to take the pressure off, you just block out 10 minutes, 20 minutes. Because it's amazing what a 10 minute, really connected moment can have. Um, it's so chaos when you've got one. When you're a new parent, one is enough.

Nina: Yeah.

Caterina: You're never getting your way through that. When you've got two or three, it's like, yeah, how am I going to take four hours off to go and do stuff I'd rather organising or washing or cleaning? Yeah. Here's the thing, it's not about quantity, it's about quality. Yeah. It's those moments, you know, And I'm gonna ask each and every one of you, and even you, Nina, a lot of people say, I don't have the time. And I said, okay, so you're saying to me, you're not on your phone scrolling at all. You've never on your phone scrolling, you don't watch any tv. Is that correct? And they go, yeah, I do. And I said, so you do have time. It's about making that time and priority to spend with the one you love. Yes. M. Yeah. So we often the head takes us out and says, we're busy, busy, busy. We don't have time. But when you are, uh, honest with yourself and you reflect, you can make time. M. And for those of you, as I was saying before, if you don't have a network and you can't go out, what's to say Bubs has a bedtime? For example, all your kids are all in bed by 7:30 right now. On a weekend where you haven't been up early, you might have a bit more energy.

Nina: Right.

Caterina: 7:30, decide you'll feed the kids early and you can make a, uh, camper. You can make and have a picnic in your lounge room, play some cards, play a game. People go, oh my gosh, Kat lagoon. But that's old fashioned connection. Yeah. You know, make a hamper, make a platter together, eat together. Even that is fun. You're in the kitchen. It's connection. It doesn't matter what you do. It's m about connecting. And so that's one. But if you have a bubby, then it's about making time. Even when you lie down in bed together, make m time before you go to bed a bit earlier where you can just lie together, as I call it, pillow talk. Really say, and how are you like

00:20:00

Caterina: really connect? Um, so these are simple ways you can do it. But as I say to couples, it's not going to happen unless you put in the effort. Um, you've got to make that time. And so lying in bed if you're exhausted, that's an easy connection.

Nina: Yeah. I love the idea of each night once the kids are in bed, spending 10 minutes just on the couch, without the TV, without the phones and just chatting, even just about the day. Um, and also I was going to say we had a holiday once where I declared it a TV free holiday. And so every night when the boys were in bed, we played a board game.

Caterina: Yes.

Nina: And that was really super fun. And uh, you know, it was great to have that time at the end of the day together instead of just automatically going to the tv. And I think that's something that is really beneficial. Just deciding even one night a week we're not gonna put the TV on tonight. We're gonna be together. And whatever that looks like, whether it's in bed staring at each other, doing a board game or just sitting next to each other chatting or, uh, folding the washing together, like, you know, doing something together and being able to have that time, I think sounds like it can make all the difference.

Caterina: Yeah. You can connect a lot in so many different ways that you may not be aware of. Even about cooking dinner, being in the kitchen together, him cutting some tomatoes or a lettuce or a cucumber humber.

Nina: Yeah.

Caterina: Can make all that difference. And regarding energy, where you said about energy, this is where it's so important to try and make some time for yourself. Because you reset, you rejuvenate, you re energise. Yeah. And that's what we're missing. We're running ourselves ragged because particularly for women, I'm going to say we get what we call a lot of mum guilt. Yeah, we do. We put unfortunately that self imposed pressure on ourself that we have to be there 24 7. And unfortunately in that we're draining our energy which is then absolutely flowing into every other area. We don't show up as the best version of ourself for our bubs. We don't show up as the best version for ourself, first and foremost. And we don't show up the best version of ourself for our partner. Yeah, we can rejuvenate. We've just got to make that time. It doesn't have to be long, I'm sure with you. Have you felt like if you've just got half an hour, whether it was to go for a walk, just a way while hubby's got the kids and you come back and you just go. I feel like I've had hours to myself.

Nina: Yeah. One thing that's changed for me, uh, over the last three years is that I have regular fitness classes.

Caterina: Yes.

Nina: So I'm booked in unpaid for three fitness classes a week and I go and I do it and I've even started to bring the kids now that they're a bit older and it's just great for them because they're outside riding the bike, playing on the playground because it's in a park. And so that's been really good for me and then to come home and my husband has done all the bits, uh, for that night, like he's cooked the dinner, got everything ready, so then I can just come home and just really be with the family and not have to. To do anything and just enjoy sitting at the table, having a meal together. And that's been great. And that's something that even as my boys get older and start to do after school activities, like you can't do activities on Tuesdays and Thursdays because that's my fitness class day. I'm not giving that up yet.

Caterina: Yes.

Nina: You know, and having that boundary to be able to look after myself in that way and vice versa. Uh, on the other days my husband goes running. So that's his time for him and that's kind of the balance. So we've got six days out of seven. One of us is off doing some kind of exercise. And that's really taken off as they've kind of gotten older and got into school. And it's a bit easier.

Caterina: Yeah.

Nina: But that really helps us. And our plan is eventually, as they get older, that on the seventh day we can actually go for a run together.

Caterina: Yeah.

Nina: We're still working towards that one slowly.

Caterina: I really like that you mentioned that. Because it's something that is so important. It's what I do with guiding my couples is about you making sure you set it across time. And I love what you said. Boundaries. You instil those boundaries. Whereas a lot of moms feel guilty about instilling those boundaries. Yeah. About nurturing self. And that's where can become unravelled. What you're doing is absolutely ideal. It's where you're still nurturing yourself. And as we know, fitness is great for the endorphins and it's just great overall well being. Right. And it doesn't have to be gym. It can be just a walk. Some people don't like gym, so it doesn't matter. But it's in some form of exercise. But also I love where you said it's outside. So you're out in nature at the same time. So you've got this double edge, beautiful nurturing moment. It's not just in a gym where.

Nina: Yeah.

Caterina: You know, loud and well done. And games. 9 is something also I encourage if you've got older kids.

Nina: Yeah.

Caterina: Set aside. A lot of my family is doing on a Friday. Right. Where they all do a games.

Nina: Yeah.

Caterina: So sitting at a table, if you've got a buddy, you're at that stage, then it's so important that at uh, nighttime

00:25:00

Caterina: for dinner that you sit at a table, sit across from each other. That's also a time there you can connect. That's a missed opportunity. Otherwise.

Nina: Yeah. Yeah. I love the rule. You know, certain households have rules, especially with my clients as well, where they dedicate time, where their phones are going to be away.

Caterina: Absolutely.

Nina: And normally it's at the dinner table in the morning before school, you know, that kind of thing. And having boundaries again around that for both you and hubby and then your kids as they get older. Well, I mean, if your kids have seen you never having your phone at the table, they won't even realise it's a thing.

Caterina: Right.

Nina: Uh, to have a phone at a table as they get older. So role modelling, that kind of behaviour and that conversation and communication, I think is so important as our kids grow up as well.

Caterina: Solidly. Yes.

Nina: Great. Well, is there anything else that you'd like to chat about, Katerina? Do you have anything coming up in your world that you'd like to share?

Caterina: I do. I'm, um, currently releasing a course. Uh, it's a three hour workshop, I should say. And it's going to be on showing parents how to navigate their relationship while being parents.

Nina: Yes.

Caterina: Or even pre parenting. So you can prepare yourself and you're already up above and know what you're in for, basically. But really have a navigate from the beginning because even when you're pregnant, as you well know, we can get exhausted and we can get moody and we can get all of those things.

Nina: Oh, yes.

Caterina: And so just knowing how to navigate even that as well is just going to be a game changer moving forward. Because I feel that's really, that's the missing link that I haven't found anywhere that anyone is discussing that.

Nina: So, yeah, I think that would be so valuable. I'll pop the links in the show notes for anybody that might be interested. So thank you for that. My final question for all podcast guests is if there's one small shift that can make a meaningful difference in how couples feel in their relationship during this season, what would you suggest for a big impact?

Caterina: There's so many. It boils down to really being mindful to still respect one another.

Nina: Yeah.

Caterina: And you might go, how does that work? It's those moments where we get frustrated with one another and we're not taking that time to respect and hear one another. So time is one of the biggest things, the meaningful differences you can make. But as we discussed earlier, it's about really self reflecting on what part each of you play and how is that playing out in your relationship now.

Nina: Yeah.

Caterina: And if you can do that, that's going to make a massive shift. In one quick word again, when was the last time you had a date?

Nina: Great.

Caterina: It's so important to stay connected. Mhm.

Nina: So important. I love that. Thank you.

Caterina: You're welcome.

Nina: I hope that anyone listening here is able to think about these questions and maybe have a look at some of those reflection questions that will come out of this episode and see what you can you do. What kind of date can you plan with your partner to make sure that you have a great time together and can open up that communication and that respect?

Caterina: So awesome.

Nina: Thank you for being here, Katarina. It's been so lovely to chat and lovely listener. I hope this conversation gave you a moment to pause and reflect on your own relationship and maybe even helped you feel a little less alone in this season. If something resonated, you might like to share this episode with your partner or a friend who's in a similar stage. It can be a really gentle way to open up these conversations together. If you'd like to connect more with Katarina and her work, you'll find the links in the show notes. Thank you so much for being here and I'll speak to you next time on your calm parenting path. Thank you.

Nina: Foreign. Thanks for Listening to youo Calm Parenting Path. I am so glad you're here and I hope this episode gave you something useful to take into your parenting journey. If you'd like to dive deeper, sign up to my mailing list@mindfulparentinglifestyle.com for more tips and insights. Um, or book a free chat out to learn how we can work together. And don't forget to hit, follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode. I look forward to speaking with you next time on your calm parenting path.

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