Your Calm Parenting Path

60. Susan Hughes Returns: Parenting an ADHD Child

• Nina Visic • Episode 60

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If you've ever wondered whether your child's behaviour is deliberate, this one's for you. ADHD parent coach Susan Hughes returns to explain the neuroscience behind ADHD behaviour, and why understanding it changes how you respond.

 You'll Learn

  •  Why ADHD behaviour isn't a choice, it's a 30% executive function gap
  •  A phrase to interrupt a reactive moment: "it's the ADHD"
  •  A simple four-task morning routine for ADHD brains
  •  Why shame is the most damaging response to ADHD behaviour
  •  How to co-regulate when parent and child are both dysregulated

 
Why This Episode Matters
If you're parenting a child with ADHD, you know the mornings that spiral and the moments you snap and regret. Susan offers something more useful than a quick fix: a way to understand what's happening in your child's brain, and yours, so you can respond instead of react.
 
Small Shift for Big Impact
Susan's small shift: when you feel frustration rising, pause and say to yourself, "it's the ADHD." Not "she's ignoring me" or "he's being difficult" - it's the ADHD. She calls it a circuit breaker, the moment naming it lets you stop reacting and think about what your child actually needs.
 
Take the Next Step
If this conversation stirred something up for you, you don't have to sit with it alone. Register for Susan's upcoming free webinar on July 29th, 2026. 

If you are listening after July 29th, join Susan's mailing list to find out when the next webinar will be running.

 
Links and Resources


Let's Connect
Want more support? Follow Nina on Instagram, or sign up for tips and updates at mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au.

Have a question or parenting challenge you'd like addressed on the podcast? Send a DM or an email.

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* Website: mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au
* Email: nina@mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au

About the Hosts
Nina Visic is a mindful parenting coach and mum, and the host of Your Calm Parenting Path. She helps overwhelmed parents move from reactive to calm, confident and connected with their kids, through one-on-one coaching, group programmes and this podcast.

Susan Hughes is an ADHD parent coach, educator and researcher based in Australia. She holds a Master of Education and is an ACC credentialed coach through the International Coaching Federation. Susan is the creator of the Confident ADHD Parent Formula, a coaching programme that helps parents understand the neuroscience behind their child's behaviour and build the connection that makes real change possible. Her own experience raising a son with ADHD, now 22 and thriving, shapes the practical, compassionate approach she brings to her work.

This transcript was created using Headliner. It has been copied and pasted but not proofread or edited, so it may contain errors or inaccuracies.

Nina: You're listening to Your Calm Parenting Path. I'm your host, Nina, a mindful parenting coach and mum, here to help you go from overwhelmed and reactive to calm, confident and connected with your kids. This show is for parents who want to raise their children with more patience, less stress and a whole lot more joy, because small shifts make a big impact and you can build the parenting life you've always wanted. If you want to see what I'm up to, follow me on Instagram indfulparentinglifestyle and don't forget to hit, follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let's get started.

Nina: Welcome back to your calm parenting path. Today, I am delighted to welcome back Susan Hughes to the podcast. Susan was, in fact, my first ever guest interview on your calm parenting path and I am so pleased to have her back for another great conversation. Susan is an ADHD parent, coach, educator and researcher based here in Australia. She holds a Master of Education and is an ACC credentialed coach through the International Coaching Federation. Through her work, she helps parents better understand the neuroscience behind their child's behaviour and build the connection that makes real change possible. Susan is also the creator of the Confident ADHD Parent Formula, a coaching programme that supports families navigating the complexity of adhd. Susan, welcome back to the podcast.

Susan: Thanks, Nina. I'm delighted to be back.

Nina: It's so exciting. Just in case anyone hasn't listened to your first episode, can you tell us a little bit about yourself, your background and the work you do in supporting ADHD families?

Susan: Sure. Well, my own journey, as for many of us, comes from my own parenting path. My son was diagnosed with adhd, um, around the end of year three and he'd already been diagnosed with dyslexia. So school was really hard for him. And I remember going into his year four teacher going, great, we have a diagnosis now. Everything's going to change. And I went into the teacher and I said, we have a diagnosis of ADHD and dyslexia. How are you going to support him? And I was all like, yay, this is great. And bless her for her honesty. She looked at me and she said, I don't know. And I walked out of that room very deflated, I bet. And that was the start of my journey. And I come across this again and again. As parents, we expect our educators to know how to support our children. But m. ADHD is so incredibly complex and so many nuances to it very rarely goes on its own. There can be lots of different comorbidities, like Things like diagnosis, like learning difficulties, anxiety, autism. There's so much that get diagnosed with it that even if you have one child with adhd, um, the other two or three in the class could present very differently. So when I walked out of that classroom, went, it's just the way my personality is. Right, well, I'm going to solve this myself. So I went back to university and did a Master's of education, which is very extreme. I do appreciate that. But I think I knew then that actually I want to make this better for other people. I already was a coach and I wanted to make it better for other people. And I'm so grateful for that opportunity because I have a really unique knowledge of adhd. And of course, I have my pet project and my son, who's now 22 and doing beautifully well, like, coping so well.

Nina: Amazing.

Susan: And I recognise it's because I knew what was happening. I was able to go, oh, uh, God damn it, he's so frustrating. But that's the adhd. What can I do to support him?

Nina: Yeah.

Susan: And that's what the difference is for parents. If you don't actually recognise your child is not choosing to be obnoxious and it's actually neurodivergent and it's their brain, it tends to, depending on your personality. But obviously we know ADHD is hugely irregitable.

Nina: Yeah.

Susan: So often you have undiagnosed ADHD in parents as well, and emotional dysregulation is very much a key factor of adhd. So you've got an emotionally dysregulated parent and emotionally dysregulated child and basically they just escalate each other and all goes to crap.

Nina: Yeah.

Susan: Very, very quickly.

Nina: Very quickly. Yes. I'm happy that you touched on that, Susan, because I know you talk a lot about the ADHD as a family system challenge rather than just focusing solely on the child. Are, uh, you able to speak more to that?

Susan: Sure. And Anina, honestly, I think my point of difference is that I absolutely focus on the parent. Like many families come to me going, so, when do you meet my child? I'm like, I don't. I'm working with you. You are going to learn the skills. Because honestly, up to the age of about, uh, 12 or 14, as a parent, you have massive influence on your child. And so unless you are actually too able to support that, uh, 24, 7 and understand what's going on. But the big part is, I don't just teach the parent how to teach your child emotion regulation. I really

00:05:00

Susan: focus on Emotion regulation for us as parents, because I had to learn it. I had to learn at a very old age when my son came along of uh, going oh my God, I have no emotion regulation skills. And because he was very reactive, he would spark me, I would get dysregulated and then the whole thing would go to really, really rip roaring fights very, very quickly. As a two year old, you know,

Nina: it's horrible and it's just a cycle, it just keeps going and going and then I imagine that builds onto the stress of what you've already had. So knowing that you have those arguments, correct, trying to overcome them, but then knowing when it happens again, you've got no tools to be able to manage it. Yeah, yeah. So what happens when the parent may also have ADHD or be struggling with chronic stress and overwhelm? How do we approach that, uh, in terms of helping the ADHD child and that whole family system?

Susan: And there's kind of a format to what I teach and I teach it very deliberately in this way because what I've discovered from my own experience and from the many families I've worked at this stage, when you really genuinely look at your child and go, I know why he's doing or she is doing that and I understand the ADHD impact. That's the first step. So the understanding that the child is actually acting as a result of their brain is the first thing. The second thing is I need a strategy for what will actually help because, okay, so they can't get dressed in the morning. What do I do? Now you actually need a uh, support strategy to be able to put in place. And there's some science behind that, which I teach. But there's also, as I mentioned, the emotion regulation part and then there's the environment. What can we do to actually change the environment? And the environment includes sleep, diet and just physicality around what's going on with the child to support them, to be able to meet the expectations, because that's what it's about. And as a parent, when you understand that your expectations are too high because of the child's development, because of, because they have delayed executive functioning as a result of ADHD, it's a 30% gap, it's a really big gap. So by the time you're in upper primary school, your 10 year old is actually only operating in maybe seven in terms of executive function now. Nothing to do with academic ability, nothing to do with maturity. I see it so many times, a really, really bright child who can uh, articulate beautifully what's going on, but yet they can't get dressed in the morning in time to get out the door. And as a parent, you're like, what is going on? It's so difficult.

Nina: Yeah.

Susan: And so there's kind of certain parts that I teach and what I see is the light bulb moments for parents. It's like, oh, my God, they're not doing it deliberately. Okay, what can I put in place to make this better?

Nina: Yeah. And I feel like that's such an important part of the puzzle, isn't it? To be able to approach your child with compassion instead of frustration in those moments.

Susan: Gotcha.

Nina: And I remember in our original chat, you talked about lowering the expectations and. And you said, um, to what end does making the bed in the morning accomplish anything? And that has stuck with me. To what end does making the bed make a difference? And it's lowering the expectations and being able to meet our child where they're at instead of where we think they should be.

Susan: Yeah.

Nina: And, uh, having that compassion and kindness towards their, um, ADHD brain. Yeah.

Susan: But I guess what's interesting about that is where does the expectation about making the bread come from? It probably comes from our background that you were taught that making a bed in the morning is actually going to determine whether you're a successful adult. I mean, come on, really? Yeah, yeah. You know, I know I was certainly taught that and I had to mindfully drop it. And going making the bed in the morning doesn't matter. I have two boys. One cares deeply about making each bed, the other doesn't give a damn. You know what? My husband doesn't make his bed either. He's, you know, functioning beautifully.

Nina: Don't expect them to do what we won't do. Yeah, I love that. I love that. So when we talk about this CO regulation, because I know part of what I teach and what we. But what we both share, I guess, is that it's not just the child learning how to regulate themselves, but how we approach challenging moments is so important. And approaching them with that, as I said before, kindness and caring, but also with that calm mindset. So in an ADHD household, where both parent and child may find this emotional regulation challenging, what does CO regulation look like?

Susan: And honestly, it's very much individual in terms of what works for the actual family. And in my experience, the first thing is for the parent to even recognise that they are being emotionally dysregulated, because often if they haven't had that learning or experience growing up, and particularly if they have that really fast, reactive personality where they, you know, they literally, they're gone before you even recognise it. That's kind of the first step. And that's just basic mindful parenting, which is a fundamental part of what I teach as well. But there's an extra nuance, um, when it comes to adhd. And the nuance is actually where you, you put your brain back in gear and you

00:10:00

Susan: go, it's the adhd. It's not the child choosing this behaviour, because only when you can put that slot in to actually pause yourself and go, it's the adhd, are you actually able to think, what is the next step? If you're reacting from emotions, it's like

Nina: a circuit breaker, isn't it?

Susan: Essentially, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's exactly right, yeah. And if you're reacting from emotion, it's often when we do damage, we say hurtful things. And one of the things that the research shows is most detrimental to a child with ADHD is shame.

Nina: Wow.

Susan: Uh, if you punish a child for not doing something because they have adhd, then you create shame. And shame damages self esteem and damaged self esteem creates very troubled children, very troubled teenagers, very troubled adults. It's a lifelong mental health issue. So that's why it's so incredibly important not to create shame. But we do it without meaning to because we're frustrated, because we can't get out the door in the morning and we're late for something ourselves. It's incredibly difficult. Which is why we go back to. You need to know the strategies that will actually genuinely help. You can't just keep sticking a band aid over it because it's not going to work.

Nina: Yeah. Do you have a strategy that you could suggest to listeners that might help in the mornings?

Susan: Yeah. Like the morning strategy is absolutely the most problematic, commonly in families. Like, it makes sense. Okay. So even if your child cares about being to school, being school, uh, particularly in primary school, so they might care about being in time. They're up at 7 o', clock, wandering around the house. Depending on what type of adhd, they're either wandering around aimlessly, playing with the dog, or they're jumping around the house bothering their sibling. Like, you get one or extreme, you know, you get the inattentive one and then you get the hyperactive one. And they're typically the two extremes and so they have no mindfulness on time. Time blindness is very much recognised as being a weakness with adhd. They don't notice time moving at the same time. So we have to scaffold time. But you also need to Scaffold and, uh, teach them what are the really important things that you need them to do.

Nina: Yep.

Susan: But it needs to be age appropriate. So typically what I do with parents is I get them to do a, uh, visual horizontal image. It's like four images. You're only allowed to pick four tasks. You're not allowed for any more than that on it. So what that does, as a parent, it makes you stop and think, okay, what actually do I really need them to do? So, for example, if you have a child who bounced out of bed at 6 o', clock, then you don't need get out of bed.

Nina: Yeah.

Susan: If you have a child who has long hair, then you need to have hair up as one of those things that needs to be done. In my case, I never had to put, put shoes on because recycled to school. And so it was a. They couldn't get on the bike unless they had their shoes. So I didn't need to have that actually marked as a particular task. It's kind of keep going back. What's next? What's next? What's next?

Nina: Yeah.

Susan: And when I meet parents, they go, oh, my gosh, that's endless. Yes, it is. But a lot of ADHD children need to be explicitly taught skills.

Nina: Yeah.

Susan: So I promise you, you will not be doing it by the time they get to high school. They understand the steps involved, but you do need to teach it explicitly when they're very young. And you also need to scaffold the whole element of time. But the other most important part is when you were a very young child, you actually don't understand the consequences about doing these sequence of events in time in order to get to a school in time. Even if you care about getting to school in time. So an instant reward is what works for the ADHD brain. You actually give them a reward. If they've achieved these four tasks by that certain time, you give them reward. Um, and people poo poo star charts. There's nothing wrong with star charts, provided you're using them correctly. A star chart on its own is no good. The star charts have to represent something that the child values.

Nina: Right.

Susan: So typically what I do is I suggest a pasta jar. They get five pieces of pasta. If they're ready on time, they can convert that pasta into something they value. So you do a menu for the child. It might be 5, 10, 15, 20 pieces of pasta.

Nina: Oh, my gosh.

Susan: And the child chooses how they want to trade them.

Nina: Oh, I love that.

Susan: And that works really well.

Nina: Yeah, yeah. And that saves you going out and buying stickers and having them all over your house too. So that's a win.

Susan: Win, absolutely. And, um, you know, if the system in the morning's not, if the rewards aren't working, it's because the value has worn off. So for some ADHD children, you may have to tweak that every month or so, but generally you get two to four weeks out of a menu. It's very much age dependent, very much individual. But the beauty of it is you can individualise. You've got three kids, three jars, three menus.

Nina: Yeah, I love that. Cool. All right, great, Susan, thank you. So what are some of the biggest mistakes that parents make when trying to improve routines and reduce conflict at home?

Susan: Punishment.

Nina: Punishment comes back to shame, doesn't it?

Susan: And it achieves absolutely nothing. But unfortunately, many of us were brought up with the belief that the only way you teach a child to do better is

00:15:00

Susan: you. And I think even teaching consequences. The problem by teaching consequences, it's actually very difficult to teach consequence if the brain doesn't have the executive function ability to, to actually relate the action to the consequence. So when you're forcing a consequence on a child as a result of something, particularly with something they couldn't do anyway as a result of the adhd, then all it does is create resentment. It's probably the second most common issue I find, with families. What do we do? We can't just let them off with this. You're right, you can't. You have to have a conversation afterwards and actually, um, figure out what went wrong. Could we put anything in place that would actually solve it? And I lean into Dr. Ross Green's the Explosive Child. I teach that very much a part of my programme. If you have a very reactive child, it is a brilliant resource, really. Really. I strongly suggest you start there.

Nina: Great. I will put the link to purchase that book in the show notes.

Susan: It's available on Audible as well because lots of people prefer to listen to something brilliant.

Nina: So kind of in line with that, how can parents move from constant reminders, nagging and frustration towards this more connection and cooperation with the child?

Susan: And again, Nina, I guess in my experience it's about going back to if you have that understanding about adhd, what actual element is that child struggling with now? What strategy can I put in place? And there are lots of evidence based strategies out there that, that I teach and that work. Um, you can Google them, you can, you know, at the end of the day, we have ChatGPT now, if you put in my child is struggling this what would be a stretch that might support them, but consistency as well. We need to follow through. And I know that can be incredibly challenging in our modern world. It can feel like, well, this is never going to get better. But the ADHD child does take longer than a neurotypical child to learn skills, but they do get there. So it's about understanding that it might be a slower process, but by being consistent and teaching the skill, they do actually get there. M and I have the absolute evidence of that in my own.

Nina: I don't doubt it. How can parents support their child's needs without becoming completely overwhelmed by the mental load themselves? Because it can feel like a lot. And I've talked in the past with Michelle Marks. I had an interview where she felt like, as a parent of neurodivergent children, she was carrying a lot of invisible weights and there was a lot of extra pressure on her. And I. I'm wondering if you have any tips towards that.

Susan: And, you know, it is incredibly challenging. I meet families every week who are really struggling with this and our system doesn't help. You know, our education system is not geared to support our children.

Nina: Yeah.

Susan: ADHD is really not very well understood still by our education system. There are individual teachers out there who've done fantastic work, but in the main they're not taught it as part of their training, so they're grappling as well. They don't have a toolbox of things to pull from that this will work or not. So advocation within the school partnership in primary school with teachers, incredibly important if you can at all, trying to solve problems together. But that invisible load is a real thing and the wait lists are still incredibly long and which is why I'm working so hard to try and get my parent, um, training out there.

Nina: Fantastic.

Susan: Because, honestly, if you even have a suspicion of adhd, having appropriate ADHD parent training can really support you. And there's so much you can do from a very young age without actually accessing a diagnosis or medication, whatever.

Nina: Yeah.

Susan: So, um, I do feel very strongly about that. I'm not the only one offering it there. There is resources out there.

Nina: So, on that note, can you tell us about the programme that you run, the Confident ADHD formula, and how you can support parents with this?

Susan: Sure. Yes, Obviously, it's my pet. It's my. You, uh, know, it's my pet project. Yeah, I've been running it now for four years. I switched to online, obviously, went during COVID And the whole aspect of it is, is that it's A combination of education and coaching. Now, again, with the way the world is changing, there's an element of, well, why would I need education? But there's still so much crap out there. There's so m. Much rubbish in terms of, you know, I. I read articles sometimes about ADHD and going, that's fundamentally wrong. Um, and you actually do need to know where the research has come from. M. So I like to think I've kind of curtailed it into eight modules. And the idea being that, you know, they've come from very eminent researchers.

Nina: Yeah.

Susan: You know, it's my passion. I've been able to take the time to work out who the good researchers are, and so I've condensed into that. But the real value I know is both the community and the live calls. So the support is over. Uh, two terms, a full semester. And the idea being is you get access to the modules which you can look at at your own pace. But there are two calls a month, one of them which is we look at a particular topic. And I teach that, and I pick the topics like morning time and rewards, emotional regulation, the ones that are the most important.

00:20:00

Susan: And then there's a group coaching call as well. And the group will be no more than 15 families, so they're kept small deliberately. And then I have a WhatsApp group to back up that community support.

Nina: Fantastic.

Susan: And what I witness again and again is the relief parents feel from meeting other parents who are on the same path. Because you can feel very isolated. You can feel, gosh, I am the only one that getting to school without killing my child. Yeah, I need a medal.

Nina: Yeah.

Susan: Everybody else is serenely going through the playground in the morning. You're going, I want to kill my child. Finally got him here.

Nina: Oh, my gosh.

Susan: Um, yeah, that was my experience anyway. And it's like, it's so good to meet other parents who are on the same pathway. It really is. And that's. That's the part I love, that community connection. And. And the other part is learning from each other. Parents learn from each other. So one parent will have tried one thing, or some other parent will be further ahead. And just being able to offer reassurance from real people, not just the coach in the corner.

Nina: Yeah.

Susan: That it does get better. It's kind of that I think that

Nina: community value can never be underestimated. I think it just makes such a difference in that feeling of not being isolated. And like you said, that other people are on the same path. Some people are ahead of you that you can kind of get inspiration from some people are behind you and you can inspire them as well.

Susan: Yeah.

Nina: I think that's a really great way to run the programme.

Susan: And I think for the people who are head, when they're talking to people who are behind you go, oh, my gosh. Yes, I have made progress.

Nina: Yeah, 100%.

Susan: Because we need that reminder sometimes.

Nina: Uh, yeah, exactly.

Susan: What I find in the. In the programme, Nina, is that, uh, some people don't access the education at all, but they turn up for every single call. So I know I'm doing something right when they turn up for every call.

Nina: Yeah. In the diary. So, Susan, if there was one small shift that could create a big impact for our, uh, ADHD families, what would you recommend?

Susan: Honestly, it is about stopping and going. It's the adhd.

Nina: Yeah.

Susan: She's not being deliberately obnoxious. She's not not listening to me. He's not ignoring me. He's not being a little turd because he won't pick his shoes up and put them away. It's the adhd.

Nina: Yeah.

Susan: And if you can't relate to that, then you need to come and do my programme and I'll teach you why it's the adhd.

Nina: Well, that was my next question. Where can people find you and learn more about your work and the Confident ADHD Parent formula?

Susan: Well, my next programme is starting next term and it will run obviously for the whole semester to 2026. So we'll put the link in the show notes. If you sign up for the waitlist, you will get all the information. And, um, I will be running a live webinar on 29 July, and so you can join that and get a feel for what I actually teach. So the idea of the webinar is to give you some more information on the programme M and basically, um, inspire you to recognise that actually having more knowledge as a parent really benefits the whole family unit.

Nina: Yeah. Oh, look, that's really great, Susan, and I really hope that some of the listeners, or all the listeners that can really resonate with what you've said today, um, go along to that webinar and sign up to the programme, because I know the work that you do is so beneficial and it just helps so many parents. As far as I know, my children aren't, um, neurodivergent and I struggle myself and I couldn't imagine those extra layers, those extra invisible weights, how that would feel as a parent. So having you in their corner, I think would be amazing.

Susan: So thanks, Nina.

Nina: Thank you. Thank you so much for being on the podcast today and sharing your wisdom with us.

Susan: Always lovely to meet you, Nina.

Nina: So I think one of the things I really appreciate about this conversation is the reminder that ADHD doesn't just affect one person in the family, it shapes the way the whole family system functions and understanding that can help us approach both ourselves and our children with a little more compassion and a little less judgement. So for anyone listening, I hope today's conversation has reassured you that you don't need to have everything figured out. Small changes can make a meaningful difference over time, and every step towards greater understanding and connection matters. As I've mentioned, if you'd like to learn more about Susan and her amazing work, you'll find all of her links in the show notes. Thanks for listening to your calm Parenting Path.

Nina: Thanks for Listening to Your Calm Parenting Path. I am so glad you're here and I hope this episode gave you some something useful to take into your parenting journey. If you'd like to dive deeper, sign up to my mailing list at mindfulparentinglifestyle.com for more tips and insights. Or book a free chat to learn how we can work together. And don't forget to hit, follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode. I look forward to speaking with you next time on your calm parenting path.

00:24:47