Healing Beyond Grief Part 2

We keep the conversation real about what happens when grief stays hidden and why “stay strong” can turn into a mask that delays healing. We talk through survivor’s guilt, rebuilding a new normal, and the mindset shifts that help us take back peace, purpose, and identity after loss. 

• grief as an emotional response to any loss 
• how unaddressed grief can show up as overspending, gambling, extreme workouts, risky behavior, or isolation 
• why society pressures us to stay strong and stop crying 
• what to say when you do not know what to say 
• healthy healing as a personal choice and a process that changes by season 
• releasing guilt by naming what is not yours to carry 
• rebuilding as creating a new life, not returning to the old one 
• taking back power through education, support, and better self-talk 
• grief beyond death, including retirement, caregiving, and identity loss 
• finding resources through support groups, doctors, and trusted people 

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Transcript

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From Pain To Purpose

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Some fires destroy you. Others rebuild you. From trauma to triumph, your pain can become your purpose. Let's become unstoppable.

SPEAKER_01 0:15

Okay, welcome back everybody to B3U, the big take back, what we are leaving behind this season. And here we are going to pick back up with Healing Beyond Grief, part two with Miss Lynn Lewis. I am your host, Dr. Brie Charles, joined by my amazing co-host, Miss Pat Smith. If you have joined us for part one, you know we had an honest, heartfelt, and powerful conversation about grief, loss, and the reality so many people face but often are struggling to talk about openly. So today we are going to continue that conversation with our special guest, certified grief coach Lynn Lewis. And in part one, we explore the many faces of grief and how loss impacts our lives and ways we sometimes don't always recognize. But here on B3U, we don't just stop at what happened. We believe, we truly and honestly believe in transformation. We believe in healing and we believe in taking back our lives. That's why today we're shifting from from we're shifting the conversation from understanding grief to learning how we heal through it. How do we move forward after loss? How do we rebuild our lives when it looks different from what we expected? How do we release guilt, that reclaim peace and rediscover purpose? Most importantly, how do we take back our power after so much pain and hurt? So whether you're grieving the loss of a loved one, a relationship, a dream, a season of life, or even a version of yourself, this conversation is for you. Lynn, welcome back to the big take back, healing beyond grief. I just want to thank you. Thank you for joining us.

SPEAKER_03 2:10

Thank you, Dr. Bree, for having me back. Good morning, Pat. Yeah, so it's good to be here.

SPEAKER_01 2:18

Yes. Okay, so in part one, we discuss what grief is and how it affects so many areas of our lives. Today I like to go a little bit deeper, Lynn, because so many people are carrying grief without even realizing how much uh it's impacting them.

When Grief Goes Unaddressed

SPEAKER_01 2:36

So let's pick up with and start with what happens when grief goes unaddressed.

SPEAKER_03 2:42

Okay, sure. So just in case somebody is catching this verse, uh this part and haven't um had opportunity to watch part one, we'll just briefly share that grief uh is the emotional um response or reaction that we have to a loss in a simple term. And then loss is anything that we no longer have access to, something or somebody that we love, that we cared for, that was important to us. So with that in mind, um when grief goes unaddressed, it can manifest those emotions can manifest in other ways. Um, for instance, um someone may resort to um becoming a shopaholic, spending money that um they don't have to spend in that area, the bill money, the mortgage money, um, gambling. It manifests through gambling. Um uh some people even go to extreme workouts, you know, just get in the gym and just go, go, go. Um illicit behaviors that they didn't have before a loss happened. And so that is that's dangerous. It's dangerous. Uh isolation is another one. And many times this happens because people do not want to talk about their loss, they do not want to admit that they are dealing with the grief, which are the emotions. And then so many times, unfortunately, people that they may confide in do not respond in a positive way or they respond in a judgmental way. So it's better to just act like for the person, it's better for them to act like I'm okay and they put their energy into other areas.

The Pressure To Stay Strong

SPEAKER_03 4:48

So that's why they feel so pressured to stay strong.

SPEAKER_01 4:52

Why do you think they feel so pressured to stay strong like that?

SPEAKER_03 4:57

Um, and by in my humble opinion, and from my experience, my personal experience is um society. Um and and I'll and I'll say with women, we have been, you know, we've got to stay strong. We gotta stay strong. And and maybe not just women, because men too, you know, we've grown men, you gotta stay strong, you gotta man up. But staying strong uh makes makes us feel like that's the right thing. I gotta stay strong for my children, my this, my that, my whomever, for myself. But um staying strong is not helpful all the time. I say let's look at resiliency or being resilient. How can we uh um learn to live with? How can we adapt to what has has happened, what has occurred. But I really think a society that says stay strong. Um, but when you when I look at strong, it to me I'm thinking, okay, I gotta stay strong to lift everybody else, to lift myself up. Um, and staying strong is not is not a um what's the word I'm looking for? You know, it's not necessarily uh like look at me, I'm strong. And especially if you are dying on the inside, especially if if your strength is just a facade. That's not a good thing. But society says, stay strong, no need to cry. And then they give us the platitude, stay in a better place, God knows best. Well, they were suffering, uh, you're better off without, you know, you can get another job, you can have another child. So, you know, that that's the unfortunate parts, in my opinion.

SPEAKER_01 6:55

And I I do see, um I do see that uh unfortunately with a lot of people. It's like they they a society does pressure, like, oh my gosh, she's still grieving, oh my gosh, she's still doing that, you still going through this. And it's like there's no time, there's no no time in healing. Um, I was just telling my sister, you know, she has she has moments where she flashes back and she just goes into a state like graduation time is the worst time for her. And it's like, you know, you take your time in your timing in his timing. You know, I just say God is in control, you know, and I think the worst thing that uh someone can say to someone who is who is grieving from the loss of a child is they're in a better place. I think that just sets them right off over the edge. So it's like it's hard to, you know, and then you know you love the person and you really feel the hurt for them. So you don't know what to say. So what I've learned, I don't say, I just try not, God is in control. I don't say anything more because I don't want to, you know, put them in a space where they, you know, have to act like they, you know, they're taking too long to heal or, you know, something that would just set them off even more. Sometimes the best thing I think, and I'm, you know, I just say, I love you. I that's it, because you don't know what to say. I know sometimes we wouldn't reach out to our sister. Some people wouldn't reach out to her, is because they didn't know what to say. So it's like, you know, it's like a you gotta find a balancement with somebody who grieves because then it's like, oh my gosh, what are they, what are they gonna be thinking? Are they gonna be thinking like, wow, nobody reached out to me? You know, I'm always thinking like, I don't want them to think that I don't care. I do care, I just don't know what to say. And then, you know, if you send scripture, you know, sometimes there's people, they're just an empty shell. And scripture, they they they can't find God in that moment. So what do you do? You know, so um my thing, my question to you is now we're gonna transfer into healing.

What Healthy Healing Looks Like

SPEAKER_01 9:19

What does a healthy, what does healthy healing look like? What does that actually look like to someone who's grieving?

SPEAKER_03 9:28

And and because, and as we all here know that um the process is different for everyone, uh, the process is different for each loss, can be different for for each loss, each type of loss. The so there are many elements that play into the healing process. But from my personal experience, from those that I have worked with and spoken to and know of, it's really gotta be a choice to say, okay. And even uh outside of death, like a health issue, you know, I okay, and a person, which means my thyroid gland was removed. So therefore, I have to take a pill every day for that because of that. Uh, but I made the choice, okay, I've got to do this. Now I could have fought that, but that was a loss. That was a loss of a part of me, and now I have to do something to kind of replace it. Um, so people uh have to find what works for them and be okay with um and be okay with I may I may have to switch, I call it the pivot, be okay with embracing the pivot because as time goes on, um it may differ. Uh in different seasons, it may be different. It it's different for everybody.

SPEAKER_01 11:30

Pat, is anybody is it my internet? No, I think it's the internet.

unknown 11:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 11:44

And it's almost like uh having a uh finding a doctor or a dentist, you know, they are all healers in their own way, but they're all not for you. So find the one that works for you, find what works for you, educate yourself. What is what do I want my healing to look like? What do I want to learn from this? What do I want to do with this? Um, so just some of my experiences.

SPEAKER_01 12:16

Okay.

Break And Community Support

SPEAKER_01 12:17

Okay, well, we're gonna go to a real quick commercial break and we're gonna come back with Miss Lynn Lewis right after this. Here at the House of Humanity, we serve those families in need. Donate or get involved today by visiting www.thehouse of humanity.org. So join us because here at the House of Humanity, we are truly making a way.

SPEAKER_02 12:40

Welcome back to B3U, everyone, with our nice go host, um Dr. Bree Charles, and our guest, Miss Lynn Lewis. So, Lynn, we talked about grief and what grief looks like and how to move past

Survivor’s Guilt And Self-Blame

SPEAKER_02 12:54

it. So, how do we move forward without um guilt when we're grieving and you feel guilty? Like if you're surviving, if you're a surviving member and somebody else passed. My son has gone through this. He uh his friend passed, and he's still dealing with it because you know they were in a situation and um actually he saw them get hit by a train, and he had stepped off the track and was trying to get them off, and they didn't get off in time.

SPEAKER_03 13:26

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 13:26

And so he's dealt with a lot of guilt for surviving. So, how does a person move past that?

SPEAKER_03 13:33

So, guilt says to us, and it's a good question, and one that I'm uh just it's a part of my um four-week intensive that I'm actually doing there, but but just for reference, guilt says to us, I did something wrong, or I should have done that's what guilt will do to us, you know. What did I do wrong? You know, um, and in your son's case, you know, did I not move quick enough? Did I not yell loud enough? What else could I have done? You know, that's what guilt will do to us, and so how do we move past that? Um is really coming to grips with that that I did what I could do, I did what I knew to do. Um, and while survivor, survivor's guilt is is rough because again, what did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? Um, but in order to move forward from that, one has to come to the realization that um I didn't do anything wrong, uh, and and have to look at responsibility. You know, what was my responsibility? What what am I trying to carry, or what am I carrying that's really it's not mine to carry? It's I I did what I could do, you know. So to be able to release that guilt and that feeling responsible. And it's not easy, you know, it's one of those things, it's easier said than done. It's not easy, it is a process, but and and it's a choice to say, okay, I I'm gonna do this, even if it's for in your case, his friend, I'm going to do this. I don't, I don't know, but I don't think he would be have wanting me to feel guilty about this. He knew I would not have, you know, done anything uh to make it worse for him or for them. And then regret is another part of that. That regret is um is thinking about I wish it had been a different way. I wish it had been a different way. And some people, especially with survivors' guilt, you know, I why couldn't it have been me? You know, um, but those are some of the things that plays into that guilt and figuring out how to move beyond that. Um I I deal with it even seven years later. Sometimes I deal with it, but I have to remind myself, you you it's not your fault. It's not your fault. Um, you did what you knew to do. So yeah, it again, it always to me for me goes back to choice, you know, whether I'm gonna sit here and replay these conversations, or am I going to look for a way that I can move? That I can move. So it comes back down to choices.

SPEAKER_02 16:47

Exactly. So after you know, the loss and the guilt and and and everything, and going through the different phases of grief, so to speak, um, how do you rebuild?

Rebuilding A Life That Changed

SPEAKER_02 16:57

What does what I know rebuilding will be different for everyone, but are there any steps that in general people should try to do or things that people do that will help them to completely release everything and then rebuild um themselves and their lives after their loss?

SPEAKER_03 17:19

I think the first thing is a good question, Pat. I think the first thing is to recognize that rebuilding does not mean you're going back to how it was before. Rebuilding is going to be different. You know, you're never going back to how it was. You know, a lot of times people will say, I just want to get back to how things were. I just want to feel how I felt before. You know, I think we talked about uh in part one, the the line in the sand, the before and the after. You know, rebuilding is is gonna look different. If you think about um uh let's say uh a building that caught fire, it didn't burn down completely, but it was damaged and then it's rebuilt. It's not gonna be the same building, it's gonna look different. So that's how our lives are. They're not gonna be the same. In your your son's case, his rebuilding is without his friend or without his friends. Um, and the second part is to remember that rebuilding does not mean that you forgot. Rebuilding does not mean you forgot what that old building looked like. Rebuilding does not mean that you don't care about and love the person um that has passed away, but rebuilding is kind of a fresh start or new start, and deciding what pieces of the old can I incorporate into the new?

SPEAKER_02 18:59

Right.

Taking Back Peace And Power

SPEAKER_02 19:00

So now the big part is it's the big takeback moment. How do we go in after releasing, letting it go, and we regain our peace and regain our life and our identity and our purpose that we have for our lives after we've reclaimed everything, we've released the guilt, and now we want to take back control of our lives.

SPEAKER_03 19:24

I go back to educating, educating yourself, um following just like in a uh a business, uh looking at the people that you see doing what you would like to do, not to duplicate yourself or clone yourself, but just to see, okay, that person had a similar situation. I'm gonna talk to them, I'm going to follow them to see, you know, listening to podcasts to see when people pouring out their hearts, uh, excuse me, uh, listening to uh, you know, if you're uh um a believer or a Christian or whatever your spiritual you know journey is, listening and looking to see how people doing this thing, but at the same time, don't compare, you know, you know, your take back is gonna look way different from somebody else's. And even if it's for um if it's for the same person, like if it's a parent, each sibling is gonna have a different outlook. Right. They're rebuilding, their take back is going to look different from each other's. And so I just still think educating, educating yourself, looking for ways to figure this thing out, remembering, remembering that um you know, because somebody passed away, because uh because that happened does not stop the love that you had for them. It that doesn't stop, it just in a sense takes on a different form. You know, you still love that person or care for that person, um, but it takes on a different form. So that didn't shut down. That didn't shut down. You still have them in your heart, in your mind. Um but choice, and I always go back to choice, it's gotta be your choice to say, you know what, I'm going to take back my life. I'm taking this back. The big, the big take back, right, Dr. Bree. I'm gonna take this back. Um, I know personally, for me, some some days, probably some weeks and maybe some months. I don't, I don't know, but um I would be in this rabbit hole. I would be in this on this replay, the loop. The loop, the loop, the guilt, dealing with the guilt and the regret and responsibility. And I would get to a point to say, you know what? I'm not doing this anymore. I'm tired of feeling this way. I can't undo what has happened. So what can I do? And so shift, making that shift, making that shift in perspective. And you all know just the slightest shift can make a huge difference. A huge difference. Yeah. So making that um making that shift, um, talking or thinking differently, you know, especially when guilt is is where guilt is concerned, you know, um talking, talking or thinking differently. I I I did what I could do. I did what I knew to do. Um, I couldn't do anything about what I didn't have, information that I didn't have. Um, so talking to yourself differently, about yourself differently, because that's another thing we talked, we mentioned earlier on about um about how we can um you know heal, the healing process. And sometimes we talk so bad about ourselves and to ourselves, and so making that shifting that perspective, talking and thinking differently. Um and then what is it that's within you? I call it, I say ignite that flame, that desire that's within you, that ooh, I'm tired of this, I'm gonna do something about it. Ignite that, but you know, just like when you ignite a fire, if you don't put anything on it, if you don't put some wood on it, or some trees gonna lost right, you too. So you gotta nurture it, you gotta nurture it. Yeah, you know, you you gotta nurture that thing, and then as you nurture it, is you know, allow it to grow, find, find the growth, and so many times, um in the midst of unfortunate things, unfortunate things that happen in our lives, whether it's a death or identity or emptiness, whatever it is that we've lost, um, let's see if we what can we grow, how can we grow from it? Because sometimes, sometimes, as hard as it feels and sounds, uh when something negative happens, if you shift, some powerful things can come out of it.

SPEAKER_02 24:52

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 24:52

I mean, just look at us. We've all experienced tremendous loss. Some death, some you know, retirements, loss of identity, you know, health issues. But we've we've we've made something out of it. And to God be the glory, we've made something out of it, even if it's just to touch the lives of one or a few people, and that will say, you know what, if they are doing that, I can do my little part. And so that's what I say, how you can take it back. Um, because we know that that people who are in pain, they're looking for painkillers, they're looking for something to soothe their pain, and we may be it. We may be that painkiller that soothes their pain. Uh, we may be if they feel like they are drowning, you know, we may be that that life vessel, that lifeboat. Get in, come on, get in. We're gonna do this together. Take it back, take it back, taking back your life.

SPEAKER_02 26:06

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 26:07

That's my take.

SPEAKER_02 26:09

Such a powerful conversation, and uh, I hate to have it to end. And Lynn, you have given us so many pointers on how to heal from our pain, how to take back our peace and our power and our purpose after pain and how to move past that pain and turn that pain to power and turn that pain to purpose and to move forward. So I'm gonna hand it back over to Dr. Breecha.

SPEAKER_01 26:33

Well, I don't want him to get it wrong now because I'm sure after this segment, I know that look, I'm gonna sign up for some of your uh your courses. I mean, it truly is has been a blessing just

Grief After Retirement And Caregiving

SPEAKER_01 26:45

tonight. I I want to learn more uh because I think it it your expertise goes with not just the loss, loss of a person, but loss of your identity, a job. Um I know that I grieved my military career. I grieved it. I didn't know who I was, what I was gonna do. I was lost and hurt behind it. I felt like my life was over.

SPEAKER_03 27:10

Um yeah, because when you when you think about it, whatever our career or our job, that's where we spend the bulk of our time. Yeah, you know, you you spend, you know, time, and so that becomes a huge part of who we are. And especially if you a person that doesn't have uh extracurricular activities, yeah. Um, yeah. So yeah, I some people that retired with me, I really one of my good friends, I was concerned about her because she was so depressed. Well, like three months after after the job was over, I'm like, really? You know, I it was hard for me to understand, but you know, now that I've grown and doing this grief work, yeah, she was grieving.

SPEAKER_01 27:59

And then not only that, people after long marriages, oh yeah, and it's like, well, I'm used to doing like, you know, I've been with my husband for 15 years, but you know, I'm like, what what what would happen, you know?

SPEAKER_03 28:14

Yeah, if you know what what do I do now? Caregiving is another huge one. Caregiving, caregivers who have done that for so long, and then if their person uh passed away or get healed, you know, physically healed like, well, what do I do now? Yeah, yeah, what do I do now?

SPEAKER_01 28:37

I think my you know, I I see that with my mother who cared for her partner uh while he was um transitioning, and afterwards it was just like, you know, I think she went through a uh grief phase to what do I do now? But uh Len for what does a person listening right now? I just want to leave this final message for our viewers.

Help For Silent Hurt

SPEAKER_01 28:59

What does the person listening right now need to hear if they are hurting silently?

SPEAKER_03 29:11

Good question. Um first, I I always want people to know that though it feels like you are by yourself, you're not. Um it's okay to feel the way you're feeling after a loss, um, but just know that keeping it to yourself is usually only going to prolong your healing process. Um find the people or the person that you can rely on, that you can be whoever you are that day, whether it's the tearful one, if the angry one, the guilty one, you know, try to find your your your tribe or your person. Um there are so many resources available now that you don't even have to physically talk to anyone to do your research. You know, go on to Facebook and plug in uh grief groups and just see what's there available. Um, mention to your doctor if you have a uh PCP, you know, ask for resources, reach out to me, reach out to Dr. Bree, reach out to Pat. We've all had experiences, but just to know that you don't have to do that alone, you do not have to do that alone, but also keep in mind that the persons that you thought would be there for you the most may not be because they don't know how to be.

How To Reach Lynn Lewis

SPEAKER_01 30:57

All right, all right, well, with that being said, at B3U, we believe, truly believe, that healing isn't about forgetting, it's about moving forward with a purpose, it's about taking back your peace, your identity, your joy, and your life. Because while grief may become a part of your story, it does not get to right the ending. Thank you all for joining us here at B3U, the big take back, what we are leaving behind. Thank you so much, Pat, for rolling with me in this show. Lynn, thank you so much for the knowledge that you have sent. And I do pray that uh people can um will listen to this interview and be healed and have some sort of guidance and direction from this. And how again can they reach out to you, Lynn, if they want to?

SPEAKER_03 31:50

Oh, yes, thank you. The best ways to reach out for to me, um Facebook and LinkedIn, you'll find under my name. I have a website, uh Destined to Thrive Griefcoaching uh dot com. Uh Instagram as Griefcoach Lynn, and I think that's it.

SPEAKER_01 32:11

Do you have any books?

SPEAKER_03 32:13

Oh, yes, I do have several books. I have um um a journal, which is I wrote for the survivors of suicide loss, and that's on Amazon, or you can contact me directly, and it's called My My Suicide Uh Grief Story uh journal and journey. And then I also am a co a co-author on several books um that you can reach through my website, or you can go to payhip.com slash destined to thrive. And I actually um would love to hear from you all. I do complimentary, I call them chats, but a complimentary calls to see how we can work together. I have a four-week intensive uh for persons, generally persons who are dealing with um guilt and um anger as a result of a suicide loss. So that's a four-week intensive. You can find uh get information about that if you or someone you know um is dealing with that. So thanks again, ladies, for having me.

SPEAKER_01 33:30

And thank you so much. Well, thank you, everyone, for joining us, and we will see you on the other side.

SPEAKER_00 33:36

Some fires destroy you, others rebuild you. From trauma to triumph, your pain can become your purpose. Let's become unstoppable.