salty bake club

The Recipe for Growth: Family Triggers & Self Liberation

• sara grace • Season 1 • Episode 2

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This one’s for the brave hearts and the boundary-builders. In this episode, I’m taking you on the hero’s journey (yes, the one after Joseph Campbell) — the path that starts in the cozy comfort of your cradle, leads through the sharp edges of family triggers, and pushes you toward becoming the human you always wanted to be. The space between cinnamon buns and self-liberation is messy, sweet, and sometimes seriously tricky. But I’m here for you — and I’ll share my own crumbs and lessons from walking this path. Let’s talk about the courage it takes to release old “truths,” handle disapproval, and grow into the human you were always meant to be.


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Speaker 1:

Welcome back to a new episode of salty big club. This is a post birthday episode. I'm also having my chicken here because I'm a chicken mom. This is Neoman. He's part of the club. My idea was to bake you some bread for this episode, but my starter said no, so I granted him a break. Instead, I'm munching on that cinnamon roll that my amazing friend got me yesterday.

Speaker 1:

So get yourself some coffee, sit down and dive deep with me, because today's topic is a major transformation that we all go through. Easter is coming up, and I know this is a time where a lot of us celebrate with family, and whether that is chosen family or family by blood, we all have connections to people that feel very close, and if I refer to family, that's what I mean, right? So I know that that is a time where a lot of people go home or get half family over at their house, and I can only speak for myself, but being with family is sensitive. So today we're gonna unravel the emotional patterns into transformation we all do or do not go through. When we leave the nest, we are going to look at family patterns, boundaries, masks, old habits through the lens of at the hero's journey. And if the hero's journey doesn't mean anything to you, it's a book by Joseph Campbell. It's a genius system. Now sit back and enjoy your cup of tea.

Speaker 1:

Let me open with a little story. Today, I had my entire family of like 10 or oh my god, no, we were 13 people over for brunch and we came together as a celebration of my birthday. It sparked a recognition within me, first of all, that I'm extremely lucky to have a family, to have people that I'm connected to, that I love from the bottom of my heart and who I feel very supported by. Now I know that not everybody's that lucky. Now, today for me was full of love. I was a bundle of gratitude the entire time. We had brunch. We laughed, we told our stories, we went for a walk in the sunshine. It was a beautiful day, oh my God. I could go on and on about how beautiful it was, but it wasn't always like that, and I noticed that I took such a big change within who I am in response to my family.

Speaker 1:

Now, what do I mean by that? The people you grew up with, which I will refer to as your family, whether by blood or not, the people you spend your first few years with. They shape you, they form you, they install their belief systems and their worldviews onto you without they form you. They install their belief systems and their worldviews onto you without you even knowing. So you come out with an emotional constitution, a set of habits, a belief system that is molded by your family. And there comes a point in life when you notice you're not the same person as your mother, your father, your siblings la, la, la, la la. You know what I mean. And at that point in your journey you begin to rebel, you begin to individualize, you begin to form the you who goes out there in the world and has her or his own belief systems. Although whenever you come back to your family and let's remember, right on Easter and all these celebrations we often do we are faced with those old versions of ourselves, because those people, they are the ultimate mirror and reminder for that, and that can bring up a lot of trouble. At least it did for me.

Speaker 1:

So chapter one on our journey here is the ordinary world, the world that we know, the belief systems that we inherited and the comfort of belonging. But with this comfort there also comes a silent contract and it says stay the same to stay loved, and this is something that is deeply ingrained in us as human beings. We are hardwired for connection, and these connections are the most grounded and deeply embedded in us. But then, as I said, there comes this point where you notice that there is something else, and that is chapter two, the call to adventure. Now, here you usually go through a life phase where you ask yourself questions like is there more, can I be more and can I change? But remember, we are so wired to this connection, to what we thought is the ultimate truth. And now, here in the second chapter, we're noticing that a lot of things that we perceived as ultimate truths aren't. They aren't fixed points, actually, they're interchangeable, and so are you. You're playing with the thought of leaving the nest, and for a lot of people, that's where the journey ends.

Speaker 1:

A lot of people hear the call for adventure, but they don't actually take the leap. And then resistance shows up, questions show up like if I abandon them, will they still love me? If I outgrow them, will I still belong to them? Will they still accept me as theirs? And here we are confronted with beliefs and expectations, because in a lot of families there's a tradition, there's a lineage. There's expectations of doing the same thing over and over again, whether that is a religion that your parents followed and you don't. Maybe it's a job, maybe it is political views. This third chapter is the first time where there might be some dispute in this perfectly whole world of yours.

Speaker 1:

The third chapter is the refusal of the call, and this is seen in all the stories that we grew up with, in all fairy tales, in all the movies out there. You always see that point and it's a pivotal point where the hero hears the call but at first is scared and refuses them, and that is totally normal. So if you are at that point, just know that there is adventure and mystery for you out there. But you gotta leap into the unknown and that is so, especially when you're loaded with feelings like guilt or shame or insecurity. You might be alone out there. You're not in the cradle of your comfortable home insecurity anymore.

Speaker 1:

And with that emotional weight of the struggle between loyalty and authenticity, we're evolving in that next chapter where a mentor appears right For so many of us. There's people outside of our family relations and we are gonna call them mentors, and these mentors show up to guide you. In the yogic tradition we would say a guru. A guru is somebody who guides you from not knowing to knowing, from the darkness into the light, and these mentors or gurus can be anything. It doesn't have to be a teacher specifically, but it's somebody who gives you support, who shows you a way, who guides you from that state of being where you don't know what's gonna happen yet to more awareness. And here's where you gotta learn to trust yourself. You gotta learn that there is more than the truths that you inherited from your lineage.

Speaker 1:

Such an important point for a lot of individuals is that they outgrow what they've known. Now, what we are talking about, this path that isn't finished yet, is stretching out over years. Right, I'm not saying this is a linear way of transforming. It is a lifelong journey and you might come into those phases again and again. So you're gonna meet and face your family in different stages of that transformation again and again. You're gonna be faced with very different responses.

Speaker 1:

Now, when I think back and I was in that phase I was finding mentors. I was out there in the world, I traveled, I found yoga. I suddenly grew into a lot of new beliefs and and let me tell you that was freaking hard when I came home and I felt so knowledgeable, I felt so experienced. I almost wanted to preach my new values onto my family, which were the quote-unquote old values that I knew. That was two worlds crashing onto each other. Imagine little Sarah's coming home she just lived in India and I just spent time with my gurus there and I'm coming home to my 60 something year old grandpa, who raised me strongly catholic, and I'm telling him about this whole yoga thing and how asana, the yogic body practice, is leading to transformation.

Speaker 1:

It would be amazing if that was perceived with open arms and curiosity, but very often it is not. Very often it's met with doubt, a lack of understanding and even fear, because when you bring new belief systems into this old world, you rattle and shake up that world. It's like an earthquake for those people who lived with that belief system for years. And it's such an important call to checking in with yourself that you do not lose yourself. You do not lose those new ways of thinking, but you're also not trying to glue your new beliefs onto your old world. Now. The tapestry of your family and their belief systems might look exactly like yours, or maybe it's completely different, but that doesn't mean that you don't belong to them anymore, and that was such a difficult state in my own journey. I'm really freaking sorry if there is a disturbing noise in the background. There's a huge fly in my living room and I have no idea how I got her out. I spent 10 minutes trying to guide her out but I failed. So let's live with her.

Speaker 1:

Now, in this fourth chapter of a journey that we just spoke about, we gotta find community outside our family. The next step of that path, I want to say it is a more grounded step choosing yourself. Now the fifth chapter here is crossing the threshold. There is no going back anymore. There comes a certain point on your journey where you have to choose yourself, where you have to cross that threshold and where you have to stand up for yourself and eventually even create boundaries with the people that you had so close. Now, for me, that showed up in a lot of ways when I did not allow certain people in my life to talk to me in a certain way, I did not allow certain behaviors anymore, and that was met with misunderstanding, because let's remember the people that you are confronting with your new boundaries, who have never seen you draw those boundaries. Of course, they will be surprised, because it's something completely new. Their compassion comes into play. Now your family's reaction might range from confusion to even rejection, and that is fair. Now, here you just got to ask yourself how deep are my roots in love for those people? Can I bear their misconception, their fear, their anger, their rejection? And how deep are my roots in those newish belief systems? How grounded am I on this path that I'm walking? And it's so important that this is not rebellion. It is self-respect that this is not rebellion. It is self-respect. You shape your world. You gotta draw boundaries. In fact, it's even an act of love, and I am so certain that I will do a whole episode on boundaries, because, man, that is a big topic. By the way, please write in if you have any suggestions, questions about what I'm talking about, or if you agree or disagree on anything I'm saying.

Speaker 1:

Now, in chapter six, a whole lot of tests show up, because that point on your journey is not an easy one, but it is so worth it. There's going to be allies, there's going to be enemies, there's going to be patterns that show up in a specific way. This is pretty much the middle of the tale and you can once again think of it as a journey, the hero's journey, which is reflected in pretty much every fairy tale that you know. Now here you will also realize a lot of emotional loops that you and your people go through. This ranges from anything like people pleasing that whenever you come home and you're faced with those old mirrors, you're trying to please those old mirrors. You're trying to be that good girl, that good boy, that person that they know to not rattle or shake up the ground anymore. But it's so relevant in this point of the journey to choose conscious response over unconscious ones. And here you gotta know your triggers. You gotta know what speeds up your heart rate. You gotta know which reactions or topics or memories that might come up will make you feel insecure in that new you that you are forming.

Speaker 1:

There's two things that I highly praise, and that is number one therapy. If you have the privilege to even entertain the thought of going to therapy because, yes, there are so many affordable options out there go find a therapist. It is life-changing. I'm feeling drawn to doing another entire episode just on therapy. Let me know if you would like that. The second tool is mindfulness practices. In my case it was yoga. It was getting into my body through asana, noticing and learning about the fluctuations of my own mind, which I will call meditation, and transferring those practices into the daily life and not keeping them restricted to the yoga mat.

Speaker 1:

And those are also crucial for chapter seven, which probably is the hardest part. It is facing the abyss, facing the fear of losing certain connections. And I'm not saying that if you go out there, follow the call of adventure, you will lose your family. That's not what I'm saying. But you will lose something. You can't create something new without losing something. That's the circle of life and we're so ignorant to that in the West. But death right, even if it's death to some personality traits or life chapters or the approval of your family, death is something crucial that we face over and over again in certain life phases in order to evolve, in order to grow, because you cannot grow without leaving anything behind. And here you just gotta sit with the discomfort of change, remembering that it's gonna be so worth it you, your dreams, your life, you're worth it. Those moments are the ones that taught me the most by far. When I think of the happy times that I had, they are really nourishing. But I learned the most and I grew the most from the struggles of life. So, yes, here you might lose some connections, you might lose some people even, but sometimes that is for the better, because you just shaped the landscape of your life how you want it to be.

Speaker 1:

You have to have firm boundaries for your own mental health, for the emotional health of, maybe, your own family, the family forward. We don't love hearing that, because it's hard. Everything that requires bravery is hard. That's how you know that you're doing it right. But putting boundaries into place and standing by them, living and practicing your values, is how you shape a life that you can be proud of. Otherwise, you will twist and duck for somebody else's comfort. So when you go home to your family and you notice yourself shrinking, you notice your shoulders carving, you're clenching your jaw, you're feeling your heartbeat rise a little bit, then simply lift up your chest, let your shoulders relax and stand firmly with a clear gaze on your values. Oh my god, I'm getting goosebumps. With a clear gaze on your values. Oh my God, I'm getting goosebumps.

Speaker 1:

And once you've said it with this discomfort, not only once, not only twice, I'm pretty sure that's gonna take quite a couple of loops, then you'll arrive in that chapter when the weather is turning, when the sunshine is coming back. We're gonna call this chapter eight the transformation becoming the authentic you. Here you can hold space for both love and the differences. You might still be on that journey of healing wounds and self validating old truths, but the loss, the death that we just spoke about, is somewhat integrated here. You know that you don't have to shrink to stay connected. You don't have to press yourself into the mold that somebody else would like to hold up right for you, but you can actually spread your wings and be whoever the fuck you want to be. And the last chapter is so rewarding. Now you can return home and bring who you are back into that old, comfortable scenario.

Speaker 1:

And you know what's the most epic thing Whatever family wounds you healed on that journey, you didn't just heal it for you. So many of those patterns that show up are generational. So when you do that and you go out and you sit with the discomfort and you struggle and you heal and you break and you shape yourself anew, you are breaking the cycle of generational patterns. And maybe this goes a little far for some of you, but I like to think of the lineage behind me, all the women and men who were before me, who could not just go out and live in Bali and do yoga and spend so much time with myself, because they just didn't have that privilege. I love to imagine them standing behind me and clapping and cheering on me. And I didn't heal myself. I healed all of them behind me and all of the ones that are coming in the future.

Speaker 1:

And growth is not something linear or anything that can be closed like the chapter of a book. It is coming and going in waves and it's gotta be seen more as a cycle or even spirals. And if you're thinking those spirals back and you've now untangled from those intergenerational fears and habits, then you also broke the cycle for the ones coming after you. You've loosened the attachment to those behaviors and you're not paying them forward anymore. So all that work that you're doing yes, you're going to profit from it, but you're doing it for the ones behind you and the ones coming after. So stay rooted in love while reaching for the sky. Stay rooted in what your ancestors gave you while at the same time breaking patterns, habits, belief systems and becoming the person that you were meant to be.

Speaker 1:

So, before you go home and have that Easter family dinner, sit down and reflect where on that journey are you, where in this wheel are you, and what's the next step? What do you bring to the table? Because, of course, we would all love to step ahead and be done with all that hard work already. But where you are right now, with all those struggles and the triggers that come up when your mom says this or that, that's exactly where you gotta be and I think that's all. I'm pretty sure I already crossed that time limit that I set myself, because I know that most people don't listen to podcasts over 20 minutes. But if you're still here watching me on YouTube or listening to this on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, thank you. Thanks for hanging out with me and Neoman, thanks for spending time together. I'm going to have a little bit more of my cookie, cinnamon roll, and I'm going to see you next week. I wish you a happy Easter. Thank you, I love you. This is good, oh, wow.